Distorted
by Sopphires
Summary: AU from 4x04. When an unexpected visitor arrives at Kurt's home in New York, he casts a shadow of doubt over the truth of Blaine's confession and sets into motion a spiral of events, whilst Blaine struggles to come to terms with what has happened and finds help presenting itself in an unlikely form as he learns that he is, truly, not alone. Rated T for language and themes.
1. Chapter 1

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_Just a quick note before my story; this spins off from the events of 4x04, taking into account the events of the other episodes, but also taking a different turn of events. The points of view will alternate between Kurt and Blaine per chapter. I don't know how often I'll be able to update - I have several other stories on the go - and, in all honesty, I'll update on how much interest I percieve that the story has. I do have lots of ideas floating around in my head; and I've completed two other chapters in this story already, but I have to prioritse my writing. _**

**_Either way, I hope you enjoy this!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a heaven of hell and a hell of __heaven" __– _Milton, _Paradise Lost_

* * *

Kurt swung his legs off the sofa with a sigh. Ever since Blaine he felt lethargic and lazy – like there was no point bothering to do anything now that Blaine was gone – and he only went to work because it took his mind from it on occasion. He pulled the door open and froze. There, hands in pockets, and looking overly casual, stood Wes.

"Wes," he said, not entirely sure what to think or say to him.

"Hey Kurt," he said, smiling. "Do you have a minute?" Kurt nodded, dumbly, because he still couldn't work out why Wes was here or even _how _he was there. "Great!" he said, clapping his hands together. "Can you let me in?" Kurt nodded again, stepping aside and let them in.

"Kurt, who is it?" asked Rachel, walking in with her hair damp from the shower. Kurt gestured, mutely, to the old Warbler standing in the entrance to their home. Rachel's face became one of suspicion. "What are you doing here?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. Wes held up his hands, a small smile playing on his face.

"Hold your fire, I was in the nice version of the Warblers, remember?" Kurt rolled his eyes and let Wes come in and drop down on one of the sofas.

"What do you want?" asked Rachel, glancing nervously at Kurt, clearly trying to assess how the reminder of Blaine was affecting him. In all honesty, Kurt was now filled with bitter-sweet nostalgia of all Blaine's dapper smiles, the kisses they'd stolen in corridors, of holding hands down hallways, but reminded, as well, of Blaine's flirtatious nature with all the Warblers that made him insanely jealous.

"I want to talk about Blaine," Kurt folded his arms immediately, feeling a defensive barrier drop down inside him because he wasn't interested in what Blaine was up to now that he'd decided to break Kurt's heart.

"What about him?" he asked, shortly. Wes sighed, looking troubled and running his hands down the fabric of his jeans.

"I know this is going to sound really awkward and stupid, and I apologise in advance, but…do you know who Blaine hooked up with?" Kurt stared at him in disbelief, silently enraged that Wes had the audacity to saunter into his apartment like they were friends and demand to know who the love of his life had hooked up with when Kurt was clearly distraught and did not want to talk about it.

"No, how do you know where I live?" Wes blinked, narrowing his eyes a little at the snappish tone of Kurt's voice, before shrugging.

"Blaine," he said, casually, and Kurt felt even more rage flare up inside of him. Wes looked at him knowingly. "I spoke to Blaine via Facebook and, because I was in the area, I offered to check up on you because, according to the Warblers, Blaine is doing shit." Kurt swallowed at that, not sure what to focus on; the fact that Blaine had sent someone to check up on him, the fact that he was back in with the Warblers or the fact that he was doing "_shit_". He decided the last one wasn't going to get him anywhere.

"But that was just a ruse to get him to give you my address?" Wes shrugged.

"Well, I figured you probably needed checking up on because if Blaine was doing crap than I couldn't quite imagine what you were like – though you're not tearing yourself to pieces via guilt like Blaine is." Kurt glared at him, telling him to move away from that subject of conversation as quickly as possible. "Look, did he mention anyone called Eli?" Kurt shook his head again.

"Why?" Wes shrugged, suddenly looking a little bit uncomfortable.

"Because it came up, very briefly, when Blaine was talking to the Warblers – he diverted the conversation so David and Sebastian couldn't get a full answer out of him, but if it _is_ that Eli then that could spell big trouble." Kurt frowned, angry that Blaine was talking to Sebastian, but concerned by the serious tone of Wes' voice and the troubled look on his face.

"What kind of trouble?" asked Rachel, taking a couple of steps forward with obvious concern in her voice; Blaine was a good friend of hers after all. Wes shifted in his seat, looking even more uncomfortable.

"I can't really tell you, but I _really _need to know because I'm concerned – not just for Blaine, but also someone else in the Warblers." And he certainly _looked_ concerned to Kurt, but Kurt wasn't sure what was going on, although worry for Blaine was building inside of him uncontrollably.

"Who in the Warblers?" asked Rachel with a frown. Wes shook his head firmly.

"Sorry, no can do, but let's just say this; I got _Sebastian_ ringing me in a panic, that's how loud these fucking alarm bells are." Kurt sat in stunned silence for a moment because the idea of _Sebastian panicking _over _anything_ was about as alien as E – _frickin'_ – T, and left him in an even more worried state over Blaine.

"What can we do?" asked Rachel, picking up on Kurt's silent state of fear for Blaine. Wes shrugged.

"In all honesty, I just need a pretence to go down there and bump into him. Then I can talk to him and work everything out; David and Sebastian have tried, but they've not got anywhere with him, and he's currently ignoring them because they pushed too hard." Kurt swallowed, looking at Rachel who pulled out a show smile.

"Well, there's the musical…We were thinking of going and see their performance of _Grease_. I'm sure you could come too." Wes nodded, smiling a little bit at that.

"That's great! I'll invite the Warblers too because we might need them." Kurt arched an eyebrow.

"And that won't make Blaine suspicious at all," and Wes shook his head.

"We can pass it off as David and Sebastian trying to apologise for asking too many questions and pushing him to talk to them when he didn't want to." Kurt bit on his lip, remembering the _last _time the Warblers had come and watched their musical before shrugging it off; as long as Sebastian didn't make a move on Blaine he supposed that it was alright.

"Okay," he agreed, and Wes' face split into a grin.

"That's great, Kurt, thanks. Don't worry about the tickets or anything – I'll sort out flights." He got to his feet. "Seeing as I'm going to have to tell Blaine _something_, what should I say?" Kurt shrugged, shaking his head and pursing his lips because, though he was worried and concerned for Blaine, he hadn't forgiven him either.

"Say that I'm holding up." Wes nodded, and then cast him a pitying look.

"I know this must have been hard for you; me coming here and asking all these questions, but, trust me, you are going to be _very happy_ if he didn't hook up with Eli." Wes shook his head. "I know it doesn't change anything right now, but it might later." Kurt frowned at him in annoyance and confusion.

"What does that even mean?" Wes shrugged.

"We'll see." He let out a long sigh and gave Kurt a smile. "Get some sleep, and message me on Facebook about the time of the musical." Kurt nodded, and Wes walked to the door, drawing it open. "I'll see you soon." He said with a final wave before leaving.

The moment he was gone, Kurt could feel something sink down inside of him. Wes' visit – so short and unexpected – had thrown up so many questions and feelings that Kurt wasn't sure he was ready to deal with yet. He didn't like the idea that Blaine was best buddies with the Warblers again – with _Sebastian_ – because he was afraid of losing him, but hadn't he already done that? Blaine had lost him the moment he'd gone to seek comfort in the form of sex with someone else, but Kurt couldn't let him go. It didn't change the fact that Kurt still loved him.

"Kurt," said Rachel, cautiously as he flopped down onto sofa and put a hand over his face. "Kurt, I'm…" Kurt shook his head.

"I still can't _bare_ to think about losing him, Rach, but he just-" he broke off, feeling overwhelmed by anger, sadness and loss. Rachel sat down next to him, putting a comforting arm around his shoulder.

"Maybe Wes is right, this could change things…"

"Does it _matter_ though? He'd still have rather been with someone else because he was _lonely_. It doesn't change the fact that I don't trust him."

"We don't know what it is yet," she reasoned. "Maybe it will make a difference and maybe it won't, but it also doesn't change the fact that you still love him and want to be with him." Kurt sighed, dropping his head backwards, letting his eyes flutter closed.

"I'm not looking forward to going back."

* * *

Kurt found the journey to Ohio with Wes near impossible. Wes was happily sitting next to him, tapping away on his laptop, but his _presence_ was enough to remind him of the Warblers, of _Blaine_; about the day they'd met and _Teenage Dream _which made him think of how they'd broken up, Sebastian and how Blaine had leapt in front of a slushee for him and their first time, and it was _unbearable_!

He knew that Rachel was having a similar experience – though probably more to do with _where_ they were going as opposed to Wes' position in the aisle seat next to Kurt – and Wes seemed to have picked up on the fact and kept shooting them apologetic looks, but that didn't change anything because he was still _there_. They barely attempted to make conversation because Kurt was tired, Rachel was tired and Wes had other things to do, like typing _ridiculously fast _on his laptop and making a _constant_, _annoying_, _noise_! – and his iPod headphones in.

* * *

McKinley looked the same as always, and Kurt officially felt sick because these were hallways where he and Blaine had walked hand in hand. There was the choir room where they'd sat side by side day in day out and sung all about their feelings for each other; where Kurt had told him that he had _nothing_ without Blaine when Blaine had accused him of cheating for _texting_. There was the gym where they'd danced at Prom. There was the corridor where Blaine had given him the promise ring. Miss Pillsbury's office where Blaine's fears had first come out, and they'd said how much the loved each other. The stage where they'd kissed after Kurt had said that he'd been proud to be Blaine's boyfriend…

"It's hard coming back, huh," said Wes, looking at both his and Rachel's struck faces. Kurt shot him a glare from marginally watery eyes. Wes shot him a smile and held up his hands. "Sorry, but you guys sure know how to make awkward silences." Before Kurt could snap back anything in retort there was a shout of "_Wes_!", and they spun around to see the Warblers – minus the ones that hadn't known him – charging at Wes.

Wes let out a delighted cry and embraced David, Nick and Jeff in one huge hug. Sebastian, trailed by the younger Warblers, came strolling towards them, and Sebastian shot Kurt and Rachel a nod that acknowledged their presence.

"Might want some make-up, Hummel," he said, casually. "you look a vampire – and not a hot one." Kurt glared at him as David kicked out at him. Sebastian scowled at him, but closed his mouth. Nick and Jeff rolled their eyes as Kurt obligingly hugged the other Warblers.

"Ignore Bastian, here, we've tried teaching him decorum, but…"

"We began to fear for our lives."

"You should _always_ fear for your lives; remember the comprehensive plan I showed you about how I was going to kill Jedward?" The two boys shuddered.

"Yeah, but Jedward aren't fucking each other," pointed out Trent and causing the majority of the Warblers to screw up their faces in disgust, most likely at the mental images that conjured up. Kurt found that his face fell, being instantly reminded of Blaine's cheating, and looked away.

"Are we going in or what?" demanded Sebastian, finally, glaring – for whatever reason –at Kurt.

"Course we are, let's go and wish Blaine and the others luck like _people_ do, lead the way!" Under Wes' enthusiastic gaze Kurt and Rachel took the lead of the group as they walked into McKinley. There were a lot of people hanging around, but they almost instantly walked into Mercedes. Kurt felt something inside him brighten, something lighting up inside at the sight of his friend, and he hugged her warmly as she laughed out loud at seeing them and hugged him back tightly.

"What the hell are you doing to yourself?" she demanded, examining his appearance after hugging Rachel. "You look even _more_ thin and pale, and what the _hell_ are they doing here?" Kurt rolled his eyes, ignoring the first question.

"They're here to the see the show."

"Ma'am," said Wes, bowing, and Kurt rolled his eyes, having forgotten that, under his proper exterior, Wes was just as big of a joker as the rest of the Warblers. Mercedes shot Kurt a look that asked what the hell was going on, but Kurt just shook his head.

"Fair maiden, lead us to the cast!" proclaimed David, and Kurt should have known that reuniting Wes and David wasn't a good idea. He groaned, sinking a head into his hand as Mercedes raised an eyebrow and waggled her head.

"Do I look like a fair maiden to you?" she demanded, gesturing to her face with one finger whilst her left hand planted itself firmly on her hip. "Does any part of this look light to you?"

"Fair doesn't have to mean light," pointed out Thad, whist the other Warblers just dissolved into laughter, and Sebastian crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "It can mean just or…well done or-"

"Oh, so now I look like a piece of meat." Thad's eyes went to the ceiling as he exhaled heavily and looked at Wes, who was bent double laughing, for some support by default. Kurt rolled his eyes too.

"I don't think that's what he meant," said Rachel, finally. "I think he meant well done as in done right." Everyone rolled their eyes at that.

"Well, _obviously_," said Sebastian, scathingly. "Now are we going to anywhere or do you have a TARDIS for a stage?" Kurt rolled his eyes in annoyance, wondering why he had agreed to this torture. Rachel shot them all a disapproving look whilst Mercedes beckoned for them to follow her.

"They're all backstage getting ready. It's gonna be pretty epic." Kurt let Mercedes talk as they walked through McKinley to the hall, the Warblers nattering between themselves behind them. Kurt tried to stop the nerves of an impending meeting with Blaine affect him too much, but he was already second-guessing the decision to come, even though Wes clearly thought it was important.

It was good walking backstage and seeing them all preparing; all the costumes and the props and his all his old friends – Santana glared at Sebastian with an intense ferocity to which he smirked at – but felt the awkwardness of just _being there_ and having the Warblers ratchet up several notches when Finn came over. Kurt saw the smile die on his face a little bit at the sight of the Warblers.

"Hey guys, it's great that you came," he said, looking at Kurt and not really Rachel, and then he glanced at the Warblers. "What are you doing here?"

"Observing chimps," dead-panned Sebastian to which several Warblers whacked him, and Wes sent him a glare.

"You have no sense of propriety," he said, shaking his head. "Where's Blaine?"

"Wes?" came Blaine's voice and he stepped out from behind a clothes rack. Kurt felt a lump form in his throat as Blaine's sad, tired, eyes locked onto him before flitting over to Wes, who was beaming at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you perform – and to know whether David and Sebastian have a habit of exaggerating…" Blaine shifted from foot to foot, glancing nervously between the Warblers and Kurt.

"Right…" he said, and Wes opened up his arms.

"If you don't hug me in precisely three seconds I'm going to go Chewbacca on you." The ghost of Blaine's happy smile appeared on his face as he stepped forward to embrace the ex-Dalton boy. Kurt watched as Blaine hung onto him quite tightly and looked away sadly because he wasn't ready to look at Blaine, especially not if he was content.

"It's good to see you again," said Blaine, and Kurt could see a small smile on his face from out of the corner of his eyes.

"You too. Hope you don't mind, but I heard these jackasses upset you so I told them to come as an apology." Blaine shot David and Sebastian a small smile.

"It's okay…" he said shrugging. "It's nice to see you all again." There was an awkward pause before Jeff and Nick decided to throw themselves onto Blaine. Blaine stumbled, but Wes steadied him. Blaine let out a small laugh. "Guys…that kind of hurts…" They let go of him, but were still grinning.

"We need to introduce you to the others!" A second later Blaine disappeared into the folds of the Warblers, and Kurt saw Wes, David and Sebastian exchange a pointed, weighted, look that turned into some form of non-verbal argument which Finn, Rachel, Kurt and, the only Warbler that wasn't talking to Blaine because he was staring at Wes, David and Sebastian with a suspicious frown, Thad watched with a great deal of perplexity.

There was an awkward silence as Sebastian shook his head very fast, and David shot a look back over his shoulder whilst Wes pinched his face up into an angry frown and put his hands on his hips. The other Warblers had turned back to the group and were watching them in amusement.

"How the _hell_ can you two communicate like that when you've never met before?" demanded Trent, looking between Sebastian and Wes in confusion.

"I met him in the summer," muttered Wes, still glaring at Sebastian who simply shrugged. "David thought it would be funny." David immediately cracked up over nothing.

"That _was brilliant_!" he said, doubling up and slumping over Sebastian as he laughed. Sebastian and Wes exchanged eye rolls as they sucked in huge breaths. Finn shifted from foot to foot as Kurt looked pointedly away from Blaine who was nestled back in the folds of the grinning Warblers.

"You guys should take your seats," said Finn, when no one else wanted to speak, and David just kept laughing. "I think we're nearly ready to start."

Kurt knew, the moment the musical started, that he'd made a mistake coming back. The school had moved on so effortlessly from their departure – the roles that Finn and Rachel would have filled done instead by Ryder and Marley – and it made him feel nothing short of crap. Life just filled in the blanks; where they needed to leads they had two leads, so how long would it take before life dropped another boyfriend before Blaine? Or Kurt? It was all so fluid, so transitional, that forever didn't exist in reality – in their hearts and minds they said that they were going to do something _forever_, but it didn't work out that way. What happened if another stray, lost and lonely gay boy wandered into Blaine's path who was good-looking, talented and could fulfil all that he wanted? It shouldn't worry him because Blaine had made his choice, but it filled him with fear that this could be _it_. There might not be any going back. Kurt-and-Blaine might have finally broken apart to become Kurt and Blaine; two separate individuals leading their individual lives in their individual worlds.

Watching Blaine arrive on stage as the Teen Angel was nothing short of torture because there he was; confident, handsome, charming with his silky smooth voice and total ease, still everything that Kurt had loved – _still loved_ – about him. Maybe he looked a little sadder than normal, but he was still the same. Cheating hadn't made him a different person, and that hurt _more_. Hurt more because it was the same Blaine that had held his hand and dragged him down a corridor at Dalton. Same Blaine that had stared at him throughout _Teenage_ _Dream_. Same Blaine that was there to assure him and offer him courage. Same Blaine that helped him at Dalton. Same Blaine that kissed him. Same Blaine that stepped up to dance with him in front of a crowd of homophobes. Same Blaine that said he loved Kurt. Same Blaine that had been his first. Same Blaine. Same Blaine. Same Blaine.

_His Blaine…_

Kurt looked at Rachel when the musical came to an end and saw that she had a faraway look in eyes, like she was lost in thoughts of them being able to go back to High School and do it all again. He'd take all the pain and the bullying and the hate for the singing and the dancing and the unity and the consistency. Long distance didn't work.

* * *

Kurt was walking through the corridors of McKinley with a heavy heart and tear-filled eyes because this was no longer his home; he didn't have a place here anymore, when he heard Blaine's raised voice shout;

"_Just leave me alone_!" darting to the end of the corridor and peering round cautiously, he spied Blaine storming down the hall with Wes, David and Sebastian in tow.

"Blaine, _stop_!" cried David, reaching forward to catch his elbow, but Blaine tore it away.

"_Leave me alone_!" he repeated. "I've told you _everything I can_! You _can't help me_ because _this is my fault_!" His tone of voice was cracked and heartbroken, and Kurt felt himself tear up just a little bit because he sounded so guilty and wrecked.

"It's not your fault," said Wes softly, taking a couple of steps towards Blaine. "We _can help_, I _promise_."

"_No you can't_!" choked out Blaine, and Kurt knew that he was seconds away from full on sobbing, and if Kurt could he would have run over and wrapped his arms around Blaine, but he couldn't. He just stood there, rooted to the spot, unable to turn away or move to help.

"We can," said Sebastian in a voice that was surprisingly gentle but at the same time icily firm. "We _know_ what happened, Blaine, we know _everything_. We've tried getting you to tell us, but I think your reaction has said it all." There was a pause in which he saw Wes and David glare at Sebastian who was staring at Blaine. Blaine shook his head, taking a step away from the three boys.

"You- you _can't_ know…" he whispered, and, for whatever reason, that made the three of them shared resigned, saddened looks.

"We do," said Wes, simply. "because you're not the only one." He heard the sound of Blaine's gulping and felt his brow furrow in utter confusion because he had no idea where that had come from, or what was going on anymore.

"I'm- I'm _what_?" cried Blaine in something that sounded like shocked dismay. There was a heavy pause.

"You're not the only one," repeated Wes. "He- it happened to someone else too…Only the three of us know about this, and we're sorry, Blaine, but we _can_ help you if you let us…We _know_ it's not easy, but we_ know _ all of what you're feeling because we've done this before. Let us help you, for all our sake's Blaine, _let us help_." There was a moment of silence in the hall before Blaine burst into noisy sobs, choking and almost _screaming_ out as he fell into Wes' arms.

"It's okay, Blaine," intoned David in a soft voice as he circled round behind him, rubbing his back soothingly. "It's alright now, you're going to be okay."

"I'm so sorry," sobbed out Blaine, and Sebastian patted the top of his head in an awkward manner.

"It's not your fault, Blaine, don't make me tattoo it into your brain…" Blaine let out a strangled laugh at that, and Wes and David threw Sebastian appreciative looks for forcing that out of him.

"Come on," said Wes, tucking Blaine under his arm. "Let's go." Blaine leant his head against Wes' shoulder as David and Sebastian flanked him.

"You- you have to promise that you won't tell anyone – especially not Kurt."

"We won't," they said as one, and Kurt spun away from the scene, clenching his jaw and feeling hate for Wes fill him up – why had he dragged them all the way just to promise not to tell him anything?


	2. Chapter 2

_**Dear readers,**_

_**Thank you to all of you that reviewed, favourited or are now following my story! I also have good news because the story is writing itself to the degree that I have found myself on chapter seven after only a couple of days writing! This means I should be able to update fairly regularly, with emphasis on the should!**_

_**Enjoy the chapter, and have a Merry Christmas,**_

_**Sopphires.**_

* * *

"_There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." _― Laurell K. Hamilton, _Mistral's Kiss_

* * *

Blaine guessed that he ought to be pretty used to feeling lonely; it was pretty much something that had stayed with him after he came out, but now he just felt worse. It was like someone had carved a hole in him, and he didn't have the energy within him to fill it. Not only did he feel lonely, but he also felt hollow – like he was inhabiting an empty shell of a person. He guessed that was preferable to feeling pain, or sickness, or loathing.

He raised his phone slowly to his eyes when he heard it chime, if only in the hope that it was a message from Kurt. He knew it had been a mistake to tell Kurt what he did because he felt even worse and more worthless, but he didn't deserve Kurt; not anymore. He blinked when he saw David's name flashing on the screen. He considered throwing it away, but then there was a knock on the door and he could hear David yelling.

Rolling his eyes and dragging himself off the bed, he padded down the stairs and opened the front door. He felt his face fall further when he saw that Sebastian was standing by his side. Thad, Nick, Jeff and Trent were also there, but he didn't bother to give any of them a greeting. David held up the pizza box, and Sebastian showed him the extra coffee cup in his hand. Rolling his eyes at their attempt at an intervention – why did they even care that he'd broken up and how did they know? – he let them in.

David made a beeline for the sofa and dropped himself down in the corner that reclined out. Sebastian sat down next to him, leaving Blaine to perch on the end as the others dropped onto the floor. Sebastian handed him the spare coffee cup, and he took it feeling the warmth burn his hands and remembered all the times that he'd accepted one from Kurt and how their friendship had started with a coffee cup being slid across a table. All gone. Because of Blaine.

"Eat," ordered David, uncompromisingly when he'd grabbed plates from the kitchen and dumped half the pizza slices in a pile onto the one he shoved into Blaine's hands. Blaine looked, tiredly, down at it and wondered what the hell was the point. Eating didn't make him feel better.

"_Blaine_…" threatened Sebastian and, rolling his eyes, he took a bite from the cheese and tomato pizza. Nick had crawled over to the DVD collection with Jeff and pulled out _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_, inserting it into the player and turning the TV on. The Warblers all ate their pizza and sipped on their coffee like they hadn't just turned up in Blaine's house or were there for any particular purpose, and the lack of pressure to talk helped Blaine to relax.

It wasn't his most enjoyable viewing of the first _Harry Potter_ film that he'd ever experienced, but it certainly gave him an ability to sink into the sofa and munch on his pizza. He didn't feel better – he was still hollow and empty – but he felt a little closer to other people, a little more normal. Sebastian, Trent, Nick and Jeff made little comments throughout the film, and Blaine couldn't quite manage a laugh, but his lips quirked slightly.

When the film was over, Blaine suddenly realised that some of the sickness he'd been feeling was because he'd been so hungry – though the rest of it was still there because he felt self-disgusted – and there was some false warmth inside of him because of the hot coffee instead of the coldness that was hatred. It didn't change anything. Nothing could change it, but he had been given a pleasant escape all the same.

"So Blaine," said David, turning around to look at him, and Blaine knew that the Spanish Inquisition had arrived. "what the hell happened?"

"How do you know anything happened?" he intoned in a monotone. David and Sebastian shared raised eyebrows before turning back to him with unimpressed looks whilst the boys on the floor all rolled their eyes

"Apart from the way you look and all the rest; the internet. Facebook has been ablaze with the story." Blaine looked over at Trent with empty eyes because he didn't know what he was talking about.

"Right…" he said, looking away from them.

"Blaine," said Jeff in a gentle, soft, voice. "We're not here to judge you or anything…We just want to make sure that you're okay…We want to try and give you a break from all the self-loathing that you're doing." Blaine gave him a small smile in the attempt to convince him that that was the case. Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him, disparagingly.

"Really, Blaine, you expect us to believe that you are in anyway "_okay_" or not hating yourself at this very moment with that pathetic attempt at something akin to a smile?" Blaine shook his head, averting his gaze from the snarky Warbler.

"Blaine, just tell us honestly, do you feel bad about it?" Blaine felt tears well in his eyes at the thought of what had happened and nodded furiously. "Then give yourself a break. You can't turn back time, so all you _can_ do is regret it with every breath that you breathe, _but_…that doesn't mean that you should tear yourself to pieces with grief and remorse." Blaine shook his head because he was an idiot, and nothing could ever make it right.

"Blaine," snapped Sebastian. "you have only two options; let yourself die over it all, or stick your chin in the air and refuse to be beaten." Blaine shook his head, bowing his chin and feeling some tears sliding down his face because they didn't – _couldn't_ – understand what had happened.

"Blaine…" he heard David get up and move over to him, pulling him into a tight hug and letting Blaine cry a little bit over it all because that he was able to do because he was pathetic and worthless. Nick and Jeff piled on too so that he was buried beneath bodies that burnt with warmth and love and kindness.

"Shh…" whispered Nick, rubbing his back as Sebastian patted his arm in an awkward manner that suggested he would rather be telling Blaine to get his shit together than comforting him.

The thought of doing that, pulling himself and holding it in and carrying on, struck some kind of chord within in him because he didn't _deserve_ any pity or sympathy after it all. He should do that and bare it all because he'd made the wrong decision, and he'd wrecked _everything_. It wouldn't change anything, but it was the right thing to do.

He pulled back, pushing David away and shaking the other too off. Whilst Nick and Jeff looked affronted by this, David cast him an understanding look that Blaine wanted to slap off his face because he had no idea how Blaine felt and he shouldn't pretend that he did. David seemed to catch the look on his face because he splayed his arms out, gave Sebastian a look that said he'd tried and stood up, moving away.

"Blaine, if you want to scream and shout I suggest you do," said Thad as he moved closer to the sofa. "Just let it all out…you might feel better." And Blaine wanted to – he _really did_ – but he couldn't. He wanted to trust all his old friends, but he couldn't talk to them. No one would understand.

"I can't…" he said, shaking his head. "I just- I just have to…I messed up…I shouldn't have poked Eli and I-" he saw them react out of the corner of his eye. It was blurry from tears, but he saw both Sebastian and David stiffen.

"_Eli_?" demanded Sebastian in an icy cold tone of voice, and Blaine shook his head because no one could know. No one must know.

"Eli _C_?" asked David, leaning forward with a frown on his face, and Blaine could feel panic welling up inside of him because he didn't want to talk about it, and he hadn't meant to say anything. Nick, Jeff and Trent were sharing confused looks whilst Thad had spun his head around to stare in the opposite direction.

"So, are you still Warbler Captain?" he asked, diverting the conversation in a manner that was in no way subtle, but he couldn't talk about it anymore. Sebastian gave him an intense glare before shaking his head.

"No, I resigned last year, _Hunter Clarington_ is."

"Honestly," said Nick, rolling his eyes. "All Dalton cares about is getting the effing trophy nowadays. I wish Wes was back."

"Come on…we all complained about Wes while we had him."

"Yeah, but I'd rather have a guy with a stick up ass than actual asshole like Sebastian and Hunter – even if he's won trophies." Blaine felt something drop down inside of him because – whilst he'd successfully moved the topic of conversation away from him – all he had served to do was remind himself of when he and Kurt had gotten together. He also felt a rush of scorn because what good was a trophy? A trophy meant nothing. It was just a cold reminder of something that used to be alive – like Blaine himself – and served as a means to reminisce of fond memories and elated emotions.

He saw that both David and Sebastian weren't keen on the topic of conversation moving on, but he let the Warblers bitch to him about Hunter, and he even managed a smile when Trent told him of the time that Nick and Jeff had locked Hunter's cat Mr Puss in a bin that smelt like fish when it had malted over their uniforms. Blaine that it was a bit of odd means of revenge, but he supposed that might be a way to torture a cat; put it somewhere that smells like fish without there actually being fish.

They talked for a long time until Blaine's mum arrived home, and all the Warblers – well, not Sebastian – decided that it was better to leave than risk Nick and Jeff running into Blaine's dad again. Blaine lied to his mum about having eaten lots with the Warblers because the Warblers had snacked on fruit and bread whilst they talked and managed to get out of dinner by claiming he had an extortionate amount of homework

When he got upstairs he found that David had sent him several texts asking him questions about what had happened which he simply deleted. He logged onto his computer and scrolled through photos that he'd downloaded onto it of him and Kurt, and cried himself to sleep at one in the morning where he was too tired to dream at all.

* * *

The next couple of days blurred together as everyone else got caught up in the excitement of _Grease_ whilst he realised that he could never play Danny after what had happened – he could not _pretend_ to be in love with someone whilst his heart was so torn and frayed – and ever persistent texts from Sebastian and David who seemed to have taken it upon themselves to find out what had happened.

He fobbed off Cooper with a story that he was fine because, apparently, he also followed Blaine's life through the Facebook of the New Directions. He told him all about not being able to play Danny in _Grease_ and, whilst Cooper tried to talk him into it, he eventually gave up and said that if that's what Blaine wanted than that was fine, though he wouldn't make it big if he wasn't prepared to put aside personal issues for the sake of acting, but he didn't understand so what did it matter?

He lost track of time, and he was rudely reminded that he couldn't live in his own little bubble of hatred and misery by the fact that David and Sebastian frequently decided to kidnap him and drive him to Dalton for another meet up with the Warblers. They always avoided Hunter and kept it just with the boys in their year and watched films, and Blaine had to admit he felt at his best when he was with them.

* * *

On one Saturday that didn't matter, he got a knock on the door and rolled off the bed and walked down to see David and Sebastian standing there. He let them in, but he knew what was coming because there were no drinks or food or any other Warblers. They were going to interrogate him about what had happened, but Blaine wasn't going to let them. Blaine wasn't telling them anything.

"Blaine," said David the moment he'd stepped into the house. "_please_ tell us what happened?" Blaine shook his head, looking at the wall, and Sebastian snapped his fingers in front of his eyes.

"Blaine, this has gone long enough! Snap out of it! You are not the only person in your situation!" Blaine shot him a glare because he didn't know what he was talking about. "Now, I _hate_ talking therapy and I think it's a ton of_ bullshit_, but, unfortunately, David's known you longer and he thinks this will help so _talk_!" Blaine glared right back at him, feeling anger bubbling up inside him because _why was Sebastian __**here**_?

"Just _leave_!" he spat. "You don't even _care_ about me! You don't _care_ about _anything_!" He could feel the tears spilling down his face because why did they have to ruin it? Blaine got a couple of hours solace when he was with the Warblers. He got a change to _forget_, and _why_ were they trying to take that away from him. "They _only time_ that I'm _vaguely happy_ is when I'm with the _Warblers_; _stop_ _ruining it_! I just want you to _leave it alone_!"

And with that he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take being broken. He couldn't take the pain. He couldn't take the guilt. He couldn't take the anger. He couldn't take the hatred. He couldn't take the self-loathing. He couldn't take the looks of understanding. And he couldn't _fucking _take their_ stupid pity_!

Turning on his heel, feeling ashamed and weak and broken and worthless and useless and _stupid_, he ran up the stairs to his room, slamming the door behind him like a child throwing a temper tantrum. He pushed a chair in front of the door, blocking it, and threw himself down onto the bed, sobbing. He heard their running feet, and they pounded on the door, yelling his name.

"Leave me alone," he begged, curling into a ball to make himself as small as possible because maybe, then, he could just disappear. He could stop existing. Stop _feeling_. "_Please_." There was a moment of silence before he heard David's voice, soft and low;

"Blaine, if we do you have to promise us something. You have to _swear_ on _Kurt's life_ that you will_ not_ try and kill yourself." Blaine felt his breath hitch as a heavy silence settled on them. How did they know he'd been thinking about it? When he'd felt at his lowest – most worthless, most useless, most pathetic. When he thought Kurt would never look at him again. When he hated himself so much he thought it would be better to be dead.

But then he thought of Kurt. He thought of how much Karofsky's suicide had affected him. How much he'd blamed himself. He knew – because of their break up and all the missed calls, just like with Karofsky – Kurt would blame himself. And Kurt didn't deserve anymore pain in his life. He was so young and he'd endured and suffered so much in his life. Kurt was strong, and it would be stupid and selfish of Blaine to land another hit against him – just like with what he'd done.

"I won't…" he croaked. "I couldn't do that to Kurt…He's been through too much…" There was a moment in which he got nothing but a disapproving silence before David whispered;

"Good."

"Eat," added Sebastian. "And sing." Blaine felt the smallest smile curve onto his lips. He did not reply though, and he heard them leave. Picking up his phone, he blocked both David and Sebastian's numbers because he did not want to risk talking to them again. He did not want this conversation again.

* * *

The next time he logged onto his computer and saw that he had a new message. Opening Facebook, he saw that Wes had contacted him. Looking at the message, he was surprised with what he saw;

_Hey Blaine,_

_Heard from the Warblers that you were in a bowl of shit; sucks 'cause as far as I'm concerned you're still the little guy that turned up at Dalton that looked like they'd just been hit by a car and smiled at me when I said that it was nice to meet them. Anyways, I wondered whether you wanted me to look in on Kurt to see how he's holding up 'cause I understand that you haven't had any contact._

_Best wishes and all my platonic love,_

_Wes._

Managing a small laugh, he typed out a positive response and gave him Kurt's address, feeling a tiny bit better because Wes was good at looking after people just like he'd looked out for Blaine when he'd first arrived at Dalton. It also helped him give him the focus to get through to the next day. He had to practise for the musical after all.

Again, the days just blurred together in a manner of ignoring Sebastian and David, and reciting Wes' message of; _he seems to be holding it together, but I reckon he could do with eating and sleeping more, though I reckon you could too_, inside his head. He got through practise and looks and occasional talks with Sam with the single minded determination to put on a good show regardless of his emotions.

* * *

On the opening night he got dressed and kept himself to himself, turning over the song lyrics in his head and keeping his mind away from the hollow feeling inside of him. He stood there, backstage, completely absorbed in his own world until he heard the sounds of Wes' voice.

"Wes?" he asked in disbelief, stepping into plain view, and feeling his heart stop and some inside of him flare in panic at the sight of Kurt. He looked away, hastily, into Wes' beaming face. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you perform – and to know whether David and Sebastian have a habit of exaggerating…" Blaine shifted from foot to foot, glancing nervously between the Warblers and Kurt because how would Kurt react to the news that he was in touch with Sebastian again?

"Right…" he said, nervous and feeling like he was seconds from having a panic attack, and Wes opened up his arms.

"If you don't hug me in precisely three seconds I'm going to go Chewbacca on you." Blaine felt a tiny smile appear on his face as stepped forward to hug his friend, who crushed him to him and Blaine could feel all the contented warmth, love and kindness from Wes, separated and held back by the barrier that was between them.

"It's good to see you again," he said as he found himself able to smile a little bit more because looking into Wes' eyes he simply saw an excitement to see him again in his eyes apart from anything else.

"You too. Hope you don't mind, but I heard these jackasses upset you so I told them to come as an apology." Blaine shot David and Sebastian a small smile, thankful that they apparently did not tell him everything.

"It's okay…" he said shrugging, hiding it all away as best he could. "It's nice to see you all again." There was an awkward pause before Jeff and Nick decided to throw themselves onto Blaine. Blaine stumbled, but Wes steadied him. Blaine let out what had to be his first laugh in a while at the way it felt like he'd gone in time to when he'd been at Dalton. "Guys…that kind of hurts…" They let go of him, but were still grinning.

"We need to introduce you to the others!" Blaine found himself pulled into the Warblers and introduced to those that he did not know. He could feel the familiar forgetfulness of being around the Warblers envelope him as he was introduced to the ones that they'd kept away when he'd visited.

When he looked around Sebastian, David and Wes were communicating silently, and Blaine had a very sick feeling that, maybe, they were discussing him between them. He saw that Finn, Rachel and Kurt were looking puzzled whilst Thad looked suspicious. Eventually, Trent broke the silence;

"How the _hell_ can you two communicate like that when you've never met before?" demanded Trent, looking between Sebastian and Wes in confusion, and Blaine also frowned in confusion.

"I met him in the summer," muttered Wes, still glaring at Sebastian who simply shrugged. "David thought it would be funny." David immediately cracked up over nothing.

"That _was brilliant_!" he said, doubling up and slumping over Sebastian as he laughed. Sebastian and Wes exchanged eye rolls as they sucked in huge breaths. Blaine stayed within the residual warmth of the Warblers and tried to pretend that he hadn't noticed that Kurt wasn't look at him.

"You guys should take your seats," said Finn, when no one else wanted to speak, and David just kept laughing. "I think we're nearly ready to start."

Blaine watched the show from the wings with a feeling of tiredness and heartbreak because all the pointlessness of life crashed down on him again. Nothing seemed to matter after he'd messed up and lost Kurt. He knew it was stupid for he'd made it through life without Kurt before, but that was before he'd experienced what it was like to wake up feeling whole and content. To constantly feel loved and safe and protected and _wanted_. To know how it felt for someone to walk into a room and have that make everything better. To look into someone's eyes and feel like you belonged.

_Beauty School Dropout_ was much harder than he thought because every time he looked at Kurt, Kurt looked away. Blaine's stupidity and selfishness had taken that all away from him. Kurt could not meet his eyes or even look at him. All Blaine wanted was Kurt to look at him and to see those things because he had a ridiculous notion that maybe it would make it all go away and he would be whole again – even though he'd broken it off because Kurt deserved someone better than him.

When he stumbled off stage, his head was spinning a little bit and he felt sick. He dashed off to the bathroom and retched up the acid from his empty stomach. Leaning against the wall of the bathroom stall he felt his head spin, and he remembered Sebastian's order…He hadn't really listened to him. Walking back out, he splashed cold water onto his face he waited in there for at least half an hour before risking coming back out. He hung around backstage until he heard the applause of the final performance. Leaning against the wall he wondered whether he should try and talk to Kurt or not…maybe he should be honest, but no… No he couldn't.

"Blaine," looking up he saw Wes, David and Sebastian standing before him. He instantly knew that Wes was not here to see him perform; this was another intervention. Well, Blaine was sick of them. He turned around.

"Leave me alone," he said, walking away from them. "I don't want to talk about it all. Please respect that." He continued to walk away from them until he felt Wes' hand descend onto his shoulder. He sighed, turning around.

"Blaine," said Wes in that kind voice that he could use. "look at me. Just answer yes or no; was it _Eli C_? Was he one of the people you met at those LGBT meetings I took you to in Westerville?" Blaine stared up at him, wanting to say no and deny it all because that's what he had to do to keep going. Slowly, he nodded, feeling his lower lip tremble so he bit down on it. "Blaine…" he said, softly. "Blaine, that's okay…just tell us what happened – tell me everything." Blaine shook his head.

"_Blaine_…" snapped Sebastian. "Talk to us." Blaine shook his head, shaking off Wes' hand.

"No," he began to walk away, feeling the tears almost fall down his face. "_Just leave me alone_!" he cried letting some of his anger bubble out of him as he stormed away.

"Blaine, _stop_!" cried David, reaching forward to catch his elbow, but Blaine tore it away.

"_Leave me alone_!" he repeated. "I've told you _everything I can_! You _can't help me_ because _this is my fault_!" Why couldn't they stay out of his boundaries? Why couldn't they just leave it be, and why did they seem to know?

"It's not your fault," said Wes softly, taking a couple of steps towards Blaine. "We _can help_, I _promise_."

"_No you can't_!" choked out Blaine because there was nothing they could do. The only thing that would change it was if they could stop it from happening, and they couldn't turn back time.

"We can," said Sebastian in a voice that was surprisingly gentle but at the same time icily firm. "We _know_ what happened, Blaine, we know _everything_. We've tried getting you to tell us, but I think your reaction has said it all." There was a pause in which he saw Wes and David glare at Sebastian who was staring at Blaine. Blaine shook his head, taking a step away from the three boys in disbelief because they weren't allowed to know.

"You- you _can't_ know…" he whispered, and they shared resigned, saddened looks that told Blaine that, somehow, they _did_.

"We do," said Wes, simply. "because you're not the only one." He gulped in horror because what was that meant to mean.

"I'm- I'm _what_?" he cried in shocked dismay because how was that possible? There was a heavy pause.

"You're not the only one," repeated Wes. "He- it happened to someone else too…Only the three of us know about this, and we're sorry, Blaine, but we _can_ help you if you let us…We _know_ it's not easy, but we_ know _ all of what you're feeling because we've done this before. Let us help you, for all our sake's Blaine, _let us help_." There was a moment of silence in the hall before Blaine burst into noisy sobs, choking and almost _screaming_ out as he fell into Wes' arms because he was relieved and a burden had just been taken from him, but at the same time he was horrified and there was a small part – even though it was hypocritical – that was angry.

"It's okay, Blaine," intoned David in a soft voice as he circled round behind him, rubbing his back soothingly. "It's alright now, you're going to be okay." And for the first time he felt like he could believe it.

"I'm so sorry," sobbed out Blaine because he felt so horrified and guilty about lying, and Sebastian patted the top of his head in an awkward manner.

"It's not your fault, Blaine, don't make me tattoo it into your brain…" Blaine let out a strangled laugh at that because he wanted to laugh because he was relieved.

"Come on," said Wes, tucking Blaine under his arm. "Let's go." Blaine leant his head against Wes' shoulder as David and Sebastian flanked him, feeling secure and warm and finally happy.

"You- you have to promise that you won't tell anyone – especially not Kurt." He couldn't _bare_ the idea of Kurt knowing – he _still_ couldn't – because maybe that was the best thing in the long run.

"We won't," they said as one, and Blaine felt a comforted smile appear on his face because he felt _hope_.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_Just a quick note to thank you for continued support of this story. I hope that you all had good Christmases, and that you have a very happy New Year._**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"__The best thing for being sad is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails...you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love...There is only one thing for it then — to learn...That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting."_ ― T.H. White, _The Once and Future King_

* * *

Kurt and Rachel split almost as soon as they'd reunited in the hallways of McKinley. Both of them were sad, heartbroken, and neither one wanted to talk about it at the moment, so they both agreed that they'd see their families, and then get on the next plane back to New York. Kurt knew that, when they got back to the safety of their apartment, they'd tell each other everything, but for now they had their own problems to deal with.

Kurt waited for Finn the car park who gave him a smile and asked him what he'd thought of the musical. Kurt didn't know how Finn could _stand_ being at McKinley day in day out, but he told him, honestly, that it was really good and that he'd done a good job of organising it. Finn had briefly tried to talk about Blaine, but Kurt shut down the conversation because not talking about Blaine meant that he didn't have to _think_ about Blaine which meant he didn't have to pay attention to his feelings, and so asked how hard it had been to cast someone as Sandy.

He listened to Finn talk about the rivalry between Marley and Kitty as well as Ryder and Jake – which sounded so much like Rachel/Quinn/Finn/Puck in Sophomore year, minus baby-gate, it was impossible to not feel a pang of sadness – in silence, occasionally nodding and making noises of assent. Kurt could tell that Finn was much happier back at McKinley, somewhere that had given him power and confidence, than he had been out of it – but only because he'd found what he'd wanted there; a purpose. Finn was _good_ at what he did there.

When they pulled up before their house – Kurt's old _home_ – Kurt felt a rush of something that was a mixture between nostalgia, relief and worry because what if this place wasn't home either? What if leaving had severed all his ties? His dad had _wanted_ him to go and chase his dreams, but Kurt didn't want to lose him too. Kurt couldn't lose his dad.

"Kurt," said Finn, touching his shoulder gently. "you gonna be alright?" Kurt shook his head slightly, trying to get rid of all his irrational panic, because his dad would always be there no matter _what_, and gave Finn a tight smile and a nod.

"Yeah…It's just- coming back's been different than I thought…" Finn gave him a sympathetic look, like he understood how Kurt felt, and maybe he did – maybe beneath all that new found confidence, Finn also felt misplaced, like McKinley had moved on and left them behind, like he _shouldn't_ really still be there.

"Come on, I know Burt'll be thrilled to see you, my mum too." Kurt nodded, taking a deep breath to instil some strength in him, shot Finn a grateful smile, before climbing out of the car. The front door opened before they got to it and Carole came dashing out, her face alight with happiness.

"_Kurt_!" she exclaimed, smiling so widely that Kurt had to smile too. "It's so good to see you again!" Kurt embraced Carole warmly as Finn, shooting him a pleased and knowing look, stepped into the house. It was a nice feeling to be so warmly welcomed back in a familiar manner when things had become so harsh, cold and different. "You have to tell me _all_ about your job," she said as they walked into the house, and Kurt nodded because he could do that, and smiled up at his dad.

"Kurt," he said, and Kurt knew that he was scrutinising his appearance.

"Dad," he said in greeting as he gave his dad a smile, and then a hug to try and assure him that he was some sort of "_okay_". His dad nodded at him, saying that they would talk about it at some point in time, and Kurt smiled back – glad that he would get a little bit of time when he didn't have to think about Blaine.

"Come on, Kurt," said Carole, hooking an arm through his. "you can give me a hand in the kitchen while you tell me all about your job…"

Kurt let himself be led into the kitchen of their house and fall into an easy conversation about working for , his life in New York and everything that had happened to him, and Rachel, since he'd left – excepting the break ups naturally.

Carole was interested in everything he had to say, smiling constantly and laughing in all the right moments, and Kurt felt the tension that was stored up inside of him begin to unfurl as he was finally able to relax. There was no expectation or pressure here. He didn't have to be anything more than who he was, nor did he have to talk about anything that he may want to avoid. He could feel like nothing had changed in life; like he wasn't displaced, lonely and missing Blaine with all his heart.

With the sound of Burt and Finn's conversation about sport, accompanied by the sounds of the TV, floating through the wall it just made everything steady and safe. It was like his home was enclosed inside a wonderful, little, bubble where the past and the future and everything else didn't matter. What mattered was that the people in there cared about each other; they were interested in each other's lives, they were there to offer support without question, and there was no atmosphere of judgement for mistakes, failures or choices.

Over their late meal they talked about the show, briefly, before Finn said that he was going to be taking over the New Directions whilst Will was gone. Both Burt and Carole were supportive, and Kurt thought that it would be good for Finn too, but he couldn't help but feel that that proved his theory about the universe; as Will went Finn came…How much longer? Maybe it was already happened. Maybe something was happening between Sebastian and Blaine – Blaine obviously trusted Sebastian more than Kurt right now.

Kurt pulled himself away from those thoughts as they moved onto safer topics than McKinley and New York to listen to his dad talk about his work and politics – Obama for president in their house, naturally – and soon they were all talking about the television debates, the polls and the news, like there really were four adults sitting around the table, and not two adults that worked all day, but always stayed up late because that was the only time they got to kick back, and two kids that had to be in bed by eleven or they'd be knackered and late for school the next day.

* * *

"Alright son," said Burt, sitting down next to Kurt on his bed, and Kurt yawned and nodded because it had been a long day.

"Yeah dad, I'm okay." Burt frowned at him, and Kurt wondered why he was playing the cat-and-mouse game, skirting the answers his dad pressed for when it was all so obvious, but didn't feel like he could stop.

"Kurt, come on, I thought were getting better at this sharing thing. We tell each other how we feel; just like two real men." Kurt gave his dad a tired smile, sighing slightly because that would be so few men's description of what "_real men_" did with their feelings.

"I don't know, dad, I'm just really tired." He watched as he dad gave him an assessing look.

"I was surprised you came down," he said, finally, and Kurt shrugged again before pausing. What harm would it do to tell his dad everything? He'd already heard the worst from Finn and the subsequent phone call he'd made to Kurt. It wouldn't hurt to tell him about Wes and his strange questions and what he'd seen at McKinley. He shook his head.

"It was really weird," he said, finally. "Wes turned up at our apartment, and-"

"Wes?" questioned Burt, his brow furrowing up into a frown, and Kurt rolled his eyes to ceiling because he'd forgotten that Blaine was the only Warbler his dad had actually met – well, he'd _seen_ Wes when he dropped Kurt off at Dalton, but he'd never _met_ him.

"He was at Dalton; he graduated the year before I did. Anyway, he turned up, he got my address from Blaine, and asked if I knew who Blaine had…hooked-up with." Burt's eyebrows sky-rocketed, clearly thinking the same things that Kurt had; just _who_ turned up at someone's apartment and asked them – not if they were okay – but if they knew who their ex had cheated on them with.

"Is this kid insane?" grated out his dad, and Kurt felt himself smile, and he shook his head.

"No, like I said it was very weird. He wanted to know if Blaine had mentioned anyone called Eli because if he had that was _really bad_ and, apparently, I'd be much happier if Blaine had slept with anyone other than Eli, but no," he said, pre-empting his dad's next question. "I have no idea who Eli is or if Blaine slept with him or why it would be so terrible. I just know was that it upset Wes, David and Sebastian, and they were worried about Blaine and this other Warbler…He said that he needed a pretext to go to McKinley so Rachel told him about the musical so we all agreed to go." Burt's brow was pulled down into a frown.

"You didn't get any answers off him though?" Kurt shook his head.

"_I_ didn't – Wes, David and Sebastian did." He sighed at his father's confused expression. "All the Warblers turned up to watch, and afterwards Wes, David and Sebastian must have cornered Blaine because I heard Blaine telling them to leave him alone and that it was all his fault, and they said that they could help him because they knew what was going on and that it had happened to someone else…and then Blaine had a break down, and they told him it _wasn't_ his fault, and he made them _promise_ not to tell me anything. I haven't heard a word from Wes since."

Kurt let out a frustrated sigh, still angry over the injustice of the whole situation because _he_ – more than anyone else – deserved to know, but no one was telling him a thing, and watched his dad think it over carefully. He knew that his dad was weighing it all up in his mind and seeing if he could pull anything out of it that Kurt might have missed in his overemotional state. Kurt appreciated him doing that because if there was something in there – _anything_ – that took away the pain of knowing that Blaine had cheated on him and could restore his faith in it, then Kurt might just sink down on his knees and pray to a God in relief.

"What did Blaine say to you, Kurt, when he told you?" Kurt sent his dad a glare for making him remember that moment in the park. His dad held up his hands. "There might be something that helps make this make sense." Kurt sighed, thinking back to what Blaine had said.

"He said that he was with someone. I asked if it was Sebastian, he said no, but he wouldn't say who it was. He said that it didn't mean anything, that it was just a hook-up. He said that he needed me, but I wasn't there. He said it was lonely and that he was _sorry_, and I told him- I asked him if he thought I hadn't been lonely, or if I hadn't been tempted, but I didn't _act on it_, dad, I didn't _act on it_ because _I_ _knew_ what that would mean. He said he was sorry again." He could feel the tears welling in his eyes, and he dabbed them on his sleeves as his dad put a hand on his shoulder. "Happy dad?" he asked, sharply. Burt frowned.

"Sounds pretty black and white to me, but…There has to be something about this Eli character." Kurt shook his head.

"I don't even think that I want to know, dad…I mean, does it make a difference, dad? He still went to this guy, whoever he is, because he was lonely instead of just _talking to me_. He's the one that told me, when he thought I was cheating on him by _texting_, that I should have just _talked_ to him and _told him_ that I was unhappy. He's an utter hypocrite, and I don't trust him anymore. Relationships are about _trust_, dad." He saw his dad nod in understanding.

"Look, son, I trust your judgement, but I don't think you should give up on you and Blaine. He was your best friend, too. I've seen how happy he makes you, don't give up on that." Kurt shot him a glare that lacked its normal ferocity because it was his dad and he was tired.

"He threw it away, dad, just threw it all away." Burt gave his son a smile and a one-armed hug.

"Hang in there, Kurt, you'll make it somehow." Kurt smiled up his dad as he got to his feet.

"Yeah…sleep well."

"You too, son." Kurt let out a long sigh as his dad closed the door and looked at his neatly made bed, feeling tired and empty.

* * *

The next day Kurt said his goodbyes to Burt, Carole and Finn, and left straight for New York with Rachel. Neither of them bothered to contact Wes, and they filled each other in on what had happened in after the show. Rachel was undoubtedly upset about what had happened between Cassandra and Brody, but she seemed to be focusing on the argument between Blaine, Wes, David and Sebastian, pointing out that – whatever Kurt's feelings for Blaine were – something in the whole situation didn't add up; the fact that they had _known_ what had happened, that they'd dealt with it _before_, and that it wasn't his fault.

Kurt didn't want to think about it, though, because he just wanted to get on with his life without Blaine. He wanted to get back to work, to thinking about fashion and what he was going to do about his singing, NYADA and Broadway. He wanted to focus on his _own_ life – or maybe he just wanted to stop thinking that his life was empty.

It was harder than he expected to fall back into a routine. He may not have had time to take Blaine's calls like he'd have wanted too, but he'd look forward to them. He felt something inside him light up when he saw Blaine's name on the screen, but he'd wanted to do his job well. He'd enjoyed his new life. That wasn't so wrong. Now he had nothing to look forward to. No Skype dates. Just work and Rachel and, whilst he loved Rachel and she was one of his closest friends, it was nothing special – just normal.

* * *

Still, the clocks kept on turning and Kurt kept on going. He found himself inhabiting some state where he was mainly content with everything that was going on. He found himself able to keep Blaine tucked away in his mind and focus on his own day to day problems of what to wear – he had to keep everything fresh and new after all – and keeping the fridge stocked with food as well as dealing with all Rachel's practise that she sometimes felt the need to do at the worst times.

Other times, he managed to be happy. There would be exciting days at work with new ranges coming out or he got chatting with some of the other people there and found himself laughing and giggling over nothing. Then he'd go home to Rachel and listen to her bitching about the other people NYADA – though she was always tactful to remember that she had _gotten in_ where Kurt hadn't – and they'd somehow end up singing and dancing along to whatever song was on the radio as they'd cranked it up as loud as they could.

However, for all the up days he had to endure the down ones. He had to endure waking up in bed and feeling the hole in his heart. He had to roll out of bed and make breakfast, and he'd hear a song that would remind him of Blaine, or the Glee club, and it just made him want to cry because he missed it all _so much_ even though they'd driven him _crazy_. He'd get dressed and remember Blaine's view on all his different outfits, and he'd go into work and remember reading Blaine's phone calls or texts. He'd make it back home, and Rachel would be a bubble about Brody and he would just turn in early, curl in a ball and feel like he was being torn apart.

He'd get angry with Blaine because of the damage he'd caused Kurt – he was so angry for being so selfish because Kurt had _missed him_, but did Blaine expect him to drop _everything_ just to speak to him? Kurt had a _job_ – a job he _loved_ – and he had to do it _well_. They weren't in High School anymore – well, Kurt wasn't – and that meant that things were _important_ now. Kurt _needed_ his job. He'd thought that Blaine would understand that. He'd also remembered the look on Blaine's face; how broken he had been, but _what right did he have to that_? He'd brought that on himself! How could they _possibly_ say that it _wasn't_ his fault! He'd get angry with Wes for making him go there and being put through all of it! He was angry at Sebastian for being gay and around Blaine! He was angry at David! He was angry at _all the Warblers for just __**existing**_!

He'd cry at that because he was so full of rage, and he just wanted to feel nothing anymore. He didn't want to be so full of hate at everyone. He just wanted to stop feeling angry, guilty or any other kind of emotion because _what was the point of feeling if all he could feel was __**terrible things**_?

The days when he didn't feel anything weren't much better though – even if he wanted it when he was angry – because it left him feeling like there was no point in doing anything at all. What did it matter if he got up in the morning? Did it _really matter_ how he looked? What was the point of looking good when no one appreciated – he got _compliments_, but it wasn't the same as when Blaine said something to him – it? What was the point of working? Coming home to curl up in his bed that could have fit two, but he'd only been able to share it with Blaine when they could not look at each other, to go through either of those two scenarios again.

* * *

Kurt got random updates on what was happening at McKinley from Finn, and he knew that Finn was doing it so that he didn't get any nasty surprises if he came back to Lima, but he didn't like it. He didn't like that, apparently, the Warblers kidnapped him almost every day after school, and Blaine didn't seem to mind.

He also wasn't pleased about the story to do with the Nationals trophy because he wanted them to be back at logger heads because _still_ – irrationally and _pointlessly_ because show choir and schools didn't even_ matter_, and Blaine had _broken his heart_ – he was worried about losing Blaine to them. He hated the fact that Wes was still there – well he'd left eventually – and was inspiring the Warblers to go back to being the boys that Blaine had known, getting _David_ and _Thad_ back on the council, and everything going _back to the way it was before he knew __**Kurt**_!

Also, the _worst_ thing was that Blaine had stopped trying to apologise to him through text and call. It was like he _believed_ the others when they said it was _not his fault_. Blaine wasn't even trying to _contact_ to him anymore. There was nothing, and that _hurt_. It hurt because it felt like Blaine didn't _care_ about it all anymore. And how was that in _anyway fair_ because Blaine had _hurt him_ and _betrayed him_ and he _didn't even care_ _anymore_ whilst Kurt was left stewing in a pit of worthless, hurtful, emotions?

Kurt wanted to be able to let go of all his feelings for Blaine, but how could he do that? How could he let go it all when he could not forgive him? Kurt wasn't even _sure_ if he _wanted_ to forgive Blaine because forgiving him meant having to move on with their separate lives and that meant he might have to hear about what happened. He didn't want to hear that it meant nothing. He didn't want to ever _think about it again_, but how could he open his heart and let Blaine back in after he'd violated his trust in such a manner.

Also, Thanksgiving was creeping up on him and the question arose; did he go home and face it all again, or did he stay in New York and celebrate without his family? He knew that Rachel was facing the same dilemma, and that Kurt's decision would heavily impact upon hers and vice versa. Could he face Finn with all his excitement and enthusiasm; him and Rachel had both had offers to go to Sectionals, but he doubted either could face it – even after Rachel's split with him – and pretend that he wasn't recovered?

* * *

He rubbed his forehead as he pondered over the whole thing over at his desk. He looked at the time and noticed that it was time to go home. He pulled out his headset and turned off his computer. Glancing over, he saw that Isabelle was also still sitting at her desk. He pulled a smile onto his face as he walked over to her to say his farewell for that night and say goodbye until the next day.

"Goodnight," he said, giving her a forced smile and wave. Isabelle smiled up at him, looking a little bit tired too.

"Night…" he made to walk away before she called back. "Need any leave around Thanksgiving?" Kurt turned around, walking back to her with a shrug.

"I don't know, I haven't made my plans yet." She gave him a sympathetic look – everyone knew about what had happened to him – and he smiled back politely because she was his boss.

"Can't face going back again?" he sighed, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes because he'd had an empty feeling last night where he'd lain awake for hours.

"Yeah…I'm not sure what to do. My step-brother offered me and Rachel to go back and watch Sectionals, but I don't think either of us want to do that. Still, it would be nice to see my dad again, but…" he shrugged. "I could potentially run into Blaine yet, and I'm not ready for that." She nodded.

"Can't forgive him? Have you accepted his apology?" Kurt shook his head.

"He's stopped texting me a while ago; since I went down last time when, apparently, it's not his fault that he cheated on me because _something _else happened." She frowned.

"What else happened?" Kurt shook his head, rolling his eyes because he _was not_ going to get into the whole mess that Wes had made. "Maybe the best thing to do would to go down and straighten things out; find out everything." Kurt shrugged, shaking his head.

"I don't know if I _want_ to know." Isabelle gave him a kind, understanding, smile.

"Maybe that's the problem; he doesn't want you to know or want to know what you think about it, and you don't want to know what happened for fear of making it all worse – you're never going to solve anything if you're not honest with each other about what happeend." Kurt paused in thought, understanding the truth and logic in her words. Even if it didn't solve things, it might help to dispel the questions and nagging doubts in his mind.

"Yeah…maybe you're right."

"Look, why don't you use my frequent flyer miles – you and your friend – and, even if things don't work out, you get to see your family, right?" Kurt smiled at his boss because how many bosses would offer their interns something like _that_?

"You would do that?" she nodded, shooting him a look that said "_of course_", and he smiled brightly, feeling happiness flare up inside of him. "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" He actually felt himself bounce up and down a little bit because the idea of resolution and _peace_ was such a wonderful thing. He just wanted it to be over. She smiled at him in return as he darted from the office in a flutter.

He had no idea what Rachel's reaction would be – if she didn't want to come back to Lima then she could always spend the time with _Brody_ – but he found that he couldn't really care because for one he's just thinking about himself. He's finally found a way to make himself feel better after so many days and nights of wallowing in unhappiness and being filled with emotions that he could not control.

The feeling of control over his life again – after the toing and froing from the various parties – gave him a sense of hope that Kurt had thought he'd never feel again. Maybe it was because Kurt finally had a feeling that _good things_ might happen. He may not have wanted to know about it all, but at least it gave him the opportunity to put Blaine away. To draw a line under it and move on.

So he made his way home with a spring his step for the first time and when he came through the door he saw Rachel do a double take at the almost smile on his face and the way he bounded across the room. She raised her eyebrows, looking highly disturbed.

"What's happened?" she questioned cautiously, clearly wanting to know what had put him in such a good mood, but definitely baffled at the same time. Kurt shrugged, shooting her smile.

"Nothing, but…I'm going home for Thanksgiving." Her eyebrows shot even further up her eyebrows.

"_That_ made you happy?" she demanded, and Kurt shrugged.

"It's not that so much…it's just…I got some really good advice of Isabelle; I'm going to get the truth out of Blaine. I can't put this behind me until I've cleared up all the confusion that Wes sprinkled over the situation. I don't trust him – I don't think that's going to change – but maybe I can get some peace of mind." Rachel smiled at him, looking a little bit nervous.

"I don't think that I'll be going back," she admitted. "Me and Finn agreed to keep things separate." Kurt nodded in understanding.

"I think- I might go to Sectionals and see them perform just because Finn's being telling me about how Mr Schue's going away to Washington to do work, so I thought I might as well say goodbye to him." Rachel frowned at him, looking a little bit nervous.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, the Warblers will be there." Kurt shook his head because that wasn't going to deter him. He wasn't going to let the Warblers muscle in and control his life like he'd let Wes convince him to going back to McKinley to see _Grease_.

"I'm not bothered by them…I'm not going to speak to them." Rachel nodded, and then gave him a tight hug.

"Well, let's prepare a meal to say good luck to that." Kurt smiled at her.

"Yes, I just need to call my dad and tell him."

* * *

Kurt took another deep breath as he sat down in his seat, waiting for Sectionals to kick off. He hadn't seen Blaine or any of the Warblers, but he had bumped into Mr Schue and they'd had a brief conversation before taking their seats.

The Warblers performance was better than anything Kurt had ever seen. _Whistle_ had been good – Kurt found the song quite annoying, but Nick had taken the lead well – whilst _Live While We're Young_ had been a show-stopping performance, annoyingly enough led by Sebastian. The Warblers had been full of life, leaping and dancing about with moves that would no doubt have sent Wes into a cardiac arrest, and Sebastian's smile had been enough to get smiles onto the faces of everyone around Kurt – oblivious to his true nature – and the crowd had responded enthusiastically. It was winner for sure.

_Gangnam Style_ had been just what they needed – Tina superb lead vocals with an absolutely flawless dance routine and the crowd going wild – until Marley had fainted on the stage. Kurt just knew, took one look at the scene and _knew_, that it was all over. The New Directions had crowded round her with concern, but it had been enough to kill the buzz and, sure enough, the Warblers won. Kurt hadn't really been banking on that – Blaine loved performing and winning Sectionals would have put him in a great mood – and he suddenly felt like it was all coming apart in front of him. One look backstage at Blaine talking to Sebastian, David and Thad was enough to convince him that his initial plan was going to be much harder than he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_Happy New Years Eve, and I wish you all the best in 2013! A quick thank you to the people that have read, alerted, favourited or reviewed this story - it all means a lot to me._**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine."_ ― Charlotte Brontë, _Jane Eyre_

* * *

Blaine had never been as uncomfortable in his life then when they were sitting in Wes' cheap motel room with an empty pizza box between them and an awkward silence hanging over them. After Blaine had come clean he had to admit that he felt a little bit better, but he hadn't _explained_. No one had made him talk, yet, but he trusted Wes and David to make it better because they'd helped him when he'd first come to Dalton, and they only that would happen was if he told them what had happened; he just _really_ didn't want to.

Sebastian cleared his throat, wiping his hands on a napkin and fixing a pointed look onto Wes. Blaine took a deep breath because he knew the conversation that he dreaded came next. The moment when they changed their mind about it being Blaine's fault, and the moment Blaine was saddled with even more of a burden to bare. Wes turned to him with a half-smile.

"I think that you know what I'm going to ask," he said, and Blaine nodded, looking down at his hands for a second before speaking.

"I was- I was just kind of lonely because Kurt was so busy with his life in New York and his work and everything that was going on, and I- I _needed_ him…not for anything in particular, I just needed him _there_. Needed to know that he still wanted to be with me, and that he still loved me. He'd have to cut short our phone conversations, and…I just missed having him around, and so…I- I just _poked_ Eli on Facebook. He's been my friend on it ever since you took me that walk-in meeting at the LGBT union in Westerville _ages_ ago, and I don't know…I remembered having some conversations with him, and we chat randomly on Facebook sometimes, and he asked me if I wanted to come over…"

"Why did you want to go over?" pressed Wes, a serious look on his face that told Blaine there would be no skirting around topics he'd rather avoid – no matter how hard it was for him, Wes wanted the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

"Because he called me sexy, and he _wanted _me to come over. He _wanted_ me…" Blaine trailed off, already feeling the guilt and shame because Blaine had just _wanted_ to be _wanted_. "And we talked, and he was really attentive, and he listened, and he _cared_…" Blaine could see all three of them stiffening from just under his eyelashes. "Then we started making out, and I…I was enjoying it until…" he broke off, looking around the room. "Until he wanted to go further, and I didn't and he- he- he wouldn't stop…" He squeezed his eyes shut completely as he began to cry at the memory.

The memory was emblazoned onto the back of his eyelids like a brand of shame; _his_ failure, _his_ mistake. It marked him out as someone that was dirty and unclean and _wrong_. He wanted so badly to forget about it, but it was there, haunting him along with Kurt's shattered expression because Blaine had done that. Blaine had done it all!

He heard Wes stand up and move to his side. He sat down next to Blaine on the bed, wrapped an arm around him and pulled him against his chest. Blaine found himself slowly lose his self-control as he sobbed some more into Wes' arms because he wanted to change it _so badly_, but he couldn't, and he couldn't make things right or different, and he _always_ screwed up, and now Kurt was hurting, and it was _all his fault_!

"Blaine, this isn't your fault," said Sebastian in a tone of voice that was very calm, very controlled, but very, very, steely. It didn't leave room for self-pity, or doubts, or anything else. It cut straight through like a knife, swiping the guilt to one side and the rest to the other. "You didn't want to have sex with him; that makes it rape."

"Yeah," agreed David. "you might have kissed him, but we all know that there is a _huge_ line between kissing and sex, and he crossed that not you. _He wouldn't stop_ – that's what _you_ said – it's not your fault. He _should have_ stopped."

Blaine stopped crying because he was angry at them for trying to make excuses, and he was angry at them for trying to take away his guilt because that just left him with all the pain that he'd caused, and that people were suffering, and it didn't change the fact that he was responsible for how Kurt was doing. It was still his fault. He'd gone looking for someone to comfort him, and he'd found that and backed out _because_ he only wanted that with Kurt. It was his fault because he was selfish and stupid and insecure because he couldn't handle his boyfriend not picking up his calls!

He tried to glare at David, but found that he couldn't because the African-American boy was smiling at him in a very calm way. He walked over to Blaine and yanked up both his sleeves to show his pale forearms. There was a moment in which the three of them shared pleased looks, and Blaine supposed that whoever this had happened to had taken to self-harming.

"Blaine, I know this is hard," said Wes, softly. "but you _have to_ believe that what happened isn't your fault. You wanted attention, Blaine, and we all do. You are _not_ a dream angel, Blaine, you are a _human_. You make mistakes and bad things happen to you. You've got depression, Blaine, because you're life has just gone _crap_, but it gets better, okay? I care _a lot_ about you, Blaine, and you are one of the most talented people I know, but you _have to_ believe me when I say that responsibility for what happened to you lies with Eli alone."

Blaine stared into Wes' serious eyes and tried to shake his head or deny what he'd just said, but found that he couldn't. Wes stared straight into him with a single minded belief – like's Sebastian's voice had been – that _told_ Blaine that he was right, and a rational part of Blaine's mind was _screaming_ that at him because, deep down, he _knew_ that was right because he'd been trying to deal with the fact that he had been _raped_ which _meant_ he _hadn't _wanted it.

"Why did you tell Kurt that you were with someone?" asked David when Blaine did not nod yes or no to Wes. Blaine looked down at his hands.

"Because I'm unworthy; I'm broken and it is –_ was_, I don't know – my fault. I did what was best…I didn't- I didn't lie to him…I just- I _couldn't_ tell him because…" he trailed off, looking around with them with wide eyes that were fearful. "I couldn't bare to hear him say that it was _my fault_ for going to him for comfort. For cheating on him by making out with him. That I got what I deserved… That he didn't want me anymore because of it."

There was a pause after he whispered one of his biggest fears to them. Wes squeezed Blaine's shoulder very tightly, trying to convey support and disagreement and love with one gesture. David pinched the bridge of his nose, looking at Blaine with sad eyes that told him he was wrong, and Sebastian… Sebastian shook his head, rolled his eyes to the ceiling and said;

"And _that_ is why I don't get emotionally attached to people." Then he focused his eyes onto Blaine. "On a more serious note, though, you're an idiot. Kurt cares way too much about you for him to turn you away because you were raped – nor does he seem to have the lack of tact to blame you for it. Kurt wanted to stay with you when you went half-blind, not that much of a difference – this time you're just emotionally crippled."

Blaine, David and Wes all stared at Sebastian in varying states of disbelief, amusement, shock and horror. Blaine wasn't sure whether he was meant to be offended, reassured, upset, pleased or amused with what Sebastian had just said, but he was sure as hell questioning the sanity of whichever person had thought it was a good idea to get Sebastian involved in this.

"You are _unbelievable_!" exclaimed David, eventually, shaking his head from side to side. "You're meant to be being _nice_!"

"I am being nice," pointed out Sebastian. "I just told him that Kurt would _definitely_ stay with him if he told." Wes and David rolled their eyes as one, and even Blaine had to partially mimic the action.

"You're so emotionally stunted it's unreal," said Wes, gaping at him. "How do you _endure_ this day in day out?" David shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know – must have the patience of a saint."

"You don't come close; Thad, Nick, Jeff and Trent all rank higher than you on the list of who would become a saint first – as far as I'm aware, Hunter is also above you, but I might have to call the Pope and check." Blaine let out an incredulous snort at that because this had been one of the _weirdest_ things he'd ever heard Sebastian say in such a casual manner; like he actually _would_ call the Pope and check. Wes burst out laughing, David joining in, and Sebastian rolled his eyes at Blaine's smile. "Oh, you so laugh at me when I'm being serious, do you? You all have such a terrible sense of humour!"

* * *

After that Blaine found that it actually did get a little bit better; the three would kidnap him every day after school, and they'd get coffee, or go watch a movie with the others, or listen to Wes' stories of college life, or they'd turn up at his house with pizza and homework that was due for the next day that they hadn't bothered to do earlier. Sometimes David and Sebastian would run songs by him, use his voice to try out harmonies and make up stupid dance routines – well, David would, Sebastian wouldn't let himself go _that_ far.

McKinley was still akin to unbearable because he was still plagued by memories of Kurt, and how much he'd messed up with him, but he made it through every single day which was the only thing that really mattered in the end. He still felt hollowed out and empty – he was missing Kurt, and he was missing love and security and self-belief – but there was a strengthening part of him that believed that, just _maybe_, it wasn't his fault.

That part was largely born from the fact that Sebastian called him at intermittent times of the day and forced him to say it down the phone. He'd say something about Blaine being stupid – _"Blaine, you'd be an idiot to blame yourself when you __**know**__ that it's not your fault"_ – and Blaine would argue back – _"I went looking for comfort"_ – and Sebastian would just talk over him – _"Comfort and sex aren't synonymous"_ – and, eventually, Blaine would cave – _"It wasn't my fault"_ – and Sebastian would be very smug and make him say it five times before hanging up.

Things with the Warblers and the New Directions were quite a lot smoother as well which helped to give Blaine a little bit of hope because he _still_ thought that life was kind of pointless, and he _still_ felt like he was drifting without a purpose, and he _still_ felt like he was just an empty shell, but it also showed him the capability that people had to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

This was all proved when Hunter stole their Nationals trophy, and the New Directions had only just discovered that it was gone when Wes, David, Sebastian, Thad, Nick, Jeff and Trent came marching into choir with the trophy aloft and handed it back to the startled Finn – he hadn't realised it was missing at this point – and they all apologised for everything that had happened last year.

They'd then informed them that David, Thad and Sebastian were going to lead a revolution of the Warblers, overthrow Hunter and reinstate the council – conveniently, or not if you're the following years, with them on it – and then win Sectionals, Regionals and Nationals before marching back out of the choir room with the majority of them singing _We Are the Champions_ at the tops of their voices.

That had been the undisputed highlight of Blaine's week – especially after their "_coup_", as apparently Hunter had named it, had been successful.

* * *

Then Wes had to ruin everything by turning up at his house, whilst his parents were in, and telling Blaine he thought it was time that he met Eli's other victim.

Blaine had been getting by because when he thought about Eli he just had to remember everything that Wes had said, and David, and Sebastian – he'd taken the habit of closing his eyes and reciting that it wasn't his fault when it did pop up – and he could cope with it, just about. He also had so many distractions because Finn considered the Warblers an even more serious threat than they were previously, and so was staging ridiculous amounts of rehearsal to try and increase their chances of winning.

Singing, whilst being completely and inextricably linked to Kurt, took his mind off things, and Finn attempting to a group of people a dance routine when he himself could not dance was funny sight to see so Blaine managed. He managed because he pushed it away – the thought that it had happened before – and tried to pretend that it didn't make him scared or worried or make him feel like a coward.

* * *

Blaine got out of his car and examined Dalton Academy. He had no idea why he was so scared. He could feel tight panic clogging his chest. He tried to rationalise it in his head; _I've been here before, I've been here __**after it**__ happened, this is the only place I feel good_, but he was completely unable to. He saw Wes walking towards him, waving, and he tried to give him a smile and wave, but he couldn't.

Wes embraced him tightly when he suddenly loomed up in front of him. Blaine hugged him back, feeling his heart thump – very fast because he was nervous too – and heard him sniffing. When Wes let go of him, Blaine felt something in him ache at the loss of reassurance. Wes immediately put an arm around to immediately reaffirm his faith that he was going to look after Blaine and fill the hollow within him.

They walked straight past the main building of Dalton to avoid any awkward encounters, which helped keep his mind fixed firmly on what had happened, and to not postpone it. Blaine knew that if he encountered anyone he vaguely knew he would automatically start a conversation so he didn't have to find out who he was and what he'd been through, and then Blaine would have to explain.

They walked into the boarding block, and he followed Wes up the stairs, knocking people off the list as they climbed to the second floor. He paused because the only two people he _knew_ that lived on the second floor and were in the same year as him were _David_ and _Thad_…well, and himself when he'd stayed there. He swallowed as he waited for Wes to walk to one of the doors that were opposite each other. He bit down on the inside of his lip, waiting.

"Blaine," he said, very seriously, turning around. "before we go in I need you to promise me that you won't get angry for them not reporting this and, maybe, preventing what happened to you from happening." Blaine nodded instantly because that feeling had passed because Blaine could never, _ever_, report it so he had no right to be angry, and it was too late anyway.

"I promise," he said, giving Wes a weak smile. Wes nodded, responding in a like manner, before turning back around.

He closed his eyes as Wes pushed open the door on the right hand side, and he looked in to see David, Thad and Sebastian sitting on the bed; Thad in the middle with David on his left and Sebastian very close to Thad on the right, and Blaine should have _known_ that it was Thad because Wes hadn't said that David and Sebastian were the only ones that knew, but they only ones that knew _about_ it.

Thad took in a shaky breath, expression falling into one of sad resignation because he'd have _guessed_ when Blaine first mentioned Eli but he could have _hoped_, and their eyes locked. Blaine felt something falling down his hollow insides – a sick feeling of relief because there _was_ someone that wasn't going to look at him was attempted understanding, but _real_ understanding.

Neither of them had anything to say as Blaine sat down in a chair because he did not know what to say. Thad was not someone that Blaine was particularly _close_ to; there was a time when Blaine had been sure that Thad had an epic-gay-crush on him until he'd found out that everyone at Dalton who was gay or some not-hetero-kind-of-sexual were out about it, and so chalked it up to hero-worship of his voice, but he still liked him because how could you not like someone that let you do whatever you wanted and thought you were the greatest gift to music since Freddie Mercury?

Sadly, though, it made _sense_ because there _had_ been a point in time when Thad had been much more like Nick and Jeff and a little bit more crazy and ready to let lose, but then his grades had slipped, and he'd become withdrawn, and everyone had assumed that he'd suffered that thing that happened to at least one person in a friendship group when they "_got serious_" because their work suffered from messing around. His confidence hadn't gotten better until he'd been voted onto Warbler council.

"I didn't know you were gay," he blurted out, eventually, because he just wanted to get this over and done with and keep the bad memories at bay. Thad shrugged and looked at Wes. Wes sighed and turned to Blaine.

"Thad had his big sexuality crisis not long after you settled in, and me and David were the ones that helped him out. I took him to the same meetings as you, but, unlike you, he made good friends – especially with Eli." Blaine shivered in advertently. "They hung out, and he really helped Thad, and Thad was looking to him for coming out advice because he wanted to reveal his epic-gay-crush to you," Blaine went a little pink at Wes' suggestive look. "and he didn't tell him it was _you_, and, well…" He trailed off glancing at Thad. Sebastian had shuffled a little bit closer to him.

"We didn't find out until we forced it out of him," said David, eventually. "We didn't really know what to do about it," Thad looked at his hands, fiddling with his fingers as tears filled his eyes. "We wanted him to, you know, but he couldn't and so we just helped him as much as we could."

Blaine swallowed, not sure what to say, because the tears were running down his face for no reason other than the fact that he was thinking of Eli and how Blaine had fought him and shoved and yelled, and now he could see Thad fighting him too – younger, more innocent – as he sat on the bed opposite Blaine with the tears streaming down his own face at the memories.

Blaine got to his feet, legs trembling and heart thumping so hard that it made him want to be sick, and hugged Thad, who reciprocated eagerly, because what else could either of them do but offer the other comfort? Blaine felt so fragile and delicate, but, as Thad clenched his hands into fists into Blaine's jumper and he held Thad closer to his chest by pressing his palms into Thad's back, he didn't feel like he was going to shatter into pieces anymore. He no longer felt like a Faberge Egg; decorated and beautiful and solid on the outside, but hollow and empty on the inside – breakable, like anything at any time, could crack him open a reveal the broken mess that he contained beneath it all.

"It gets better," whispered Thad, only loud of enough for Blaine – and maybe Sebastian because he was _right_ beside them – to hear. "I _promise_." Blaine felt more tears fall down his face as hope filled up the emptiness within him, some warmth erupting too like his hope was kindling to restart the fire of happiness and love within him.

"Okay…" he whispered in a cracked voice because he felt like all his faux strength had been broken down into pieces to leave way for something real. Thad was here, right before him, as living, breathing, proof that he could get through this and feel better again.

He let go and made his way, on shaky legs, back to his chair. He saw Sebastian, who had turned away from their crying, look back at Thad through narrowed eyes, David rub Thad's back and Wes pushed his chair over settle his arm around Blaine's shoulders.

"And Blaine…" said Thad in a whisper. "they're right…It's not your fault…even if you went there looking for emotional and physical comfort because Kurt was so far away, you didn't want s-sex so it's…_rape_." Blaine nodded because he'd been hearing that over and over again. "I blamed myself, and I cut myself and tried to _kill_ myself until Wes managed to force it into me that, because all I wanted to do was _talk_, it's not my fault." Blaine nodded, sniffing.

"It's- it's not my fault…Sebastian's had me reciting it over the phone to him." Thad snorted, looking down at his knotted hands.

"I know…he makes me say it every night before bed." Sebastian shrugged as Blaine's eyes swivelled to him.

"I don't want him doing anything stupid again." Blaine couldn't argue with that, and so he looked back at Thad who seemed to be steeling himself to say something. However, he did not make a move to speak, so Blaine turned back to Sebastian curiously.

"How do you know about this?" Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"I have the most effective gaydar that has ever, or will ever, exist. I could smell the gay in Thad a mile off, and he was checking me out – however subconsciously – so I flirted and shit, and then…" Sebastian trailed off, looking at Thad with a touch of hesitancy. Thad's mouth flickered, and Sebastian turned back to Blaine before continuing. "Then I got a bit frustrate and, to all intents and purposes, forced myself on him…The _worst_ mistake I've made – and that includes all the shit that happened with you and Karofsky – in my life. I got an emotional break down and a total confession. I had no idea what to do so I pretended it hadn't happened, and he moved out-" Blaine frowned and then realised they must be roommates. "-and we stopped talking because like _hell_ is that one giant elephant. Then, when I decided to be nice, I figured there wasn't a better way to do it than help him."

Blaine wasn't entirely sure why, but Sebastian's story made him smile. Thad had rolled his eyes several times throughout that story with a tiny smile on his face – like it amused and exasperated him a little bit – and also there was a strong undercurrent of fondness in Sebastian's voice. He could tell that Sebastian _really cared_ about what had happened to both of them, but hid it all beneath his snarky humour. However, they all knew it. Everyone in the room was in the know, and that meant no one had to talk about it.

Then Thad opened his mouth, his eyes locking with Blaine, and Blaine knew that whatever was on his mind was about to be voiced to him.

"Blaine, also, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, or to think that I'm belittling your experience, but…" he broke off, taking a deep breath. "You did it with Kurt, didn't you?" Blaine swallowed, frowning because he did not know where this was going, but nodded.

"Yeah…?" Thad took a deep breath, and Blaine watched Sebastian shuffled _even closer_ to Thad so that he was right in his personal space.

"When it happened to me I was only just about okay with being gay, I knew nothing about sex and I was with a _friend_…Now I can't think about anything like that without thinking of fear and horror and _pain_ and _suicide_. That's why I can't deal with anything like that, but…you've got good memories too…I don't really know whether that'll help, but it might." Blaine stopped and stared at him, thinking.

He could still remembered the roughness of Eli's lips, the forcefulness of his hands and the way he'd held him down when he'd changed his mind. The way he'd been left lying there at the end, feeling cold and shaken and broken. They way he'd run away with no idea what to do. The guilt.

But then he remembered the soft press of Kurt's lips against his, the tender caress of his fingers against his sink and the way they'd only had to look in each other's eyes to know that this was exactly what they wanted. The way he'd been curled into Kurt's embrace at the end, feeling with warm and loved and full. The way he'd never wanted to move. The happiness.

He smiled at his friend, tearfully, because Thad was right. It didn't really change anything that had happened, but at the same time it filled him up inside. For so long he'd been wrapped in everything that had happened; how it had been his fault and he'd become broken and how he wasn't good enough for Kurt, and he'd forgotten that Kurt was the only thing that could make him whole nowadays. They may be able to fill him up inside, but only Kurt could paper over all the cracks and make him forget that they were even there.

"Yeah…" he breathed, nodding a little bit. Wes glanced at Blaine, and Blaine gave him a genuine smile in return, silently thanking him for making him do this and for all his help and support. "You should really go back to college." Wes nodded, ruffling up his hair.

"True…Man, I've missed being at Dalton, though. However, I'm not sure I'm needed anymore. I reckon you boys can handle it from here…"

"The last time I checked we were all men in the room."

"You, Sebastian, cannot be a man until you learn a-"

"Sense of propriety, yes, yes, I heard you the first three billion times, don't make me come over and fix you." Wes arched an eyebrow, unimpressed by his threat.

"And how would you do that?" he said, folding his arms and leaning backwards, a cocky smirk that came from being the eldest firmly in place.

"The way you fix any electrical device; swearing at it, hitting it and turning it off and pulling out the plug. The first two things I'm quite capable of doing myself, and I think a gun would do the rest of the job quite well, don't you?" There was a moment in which Wes just acknowledged the threat with a thoughtful expression, nodding slowly, before they all burst out laughing.

Blaine knew that it wasn't funny – then again, when was Sebastian? – but it was good enough for them. It was good enough for two boys that were plagued at night by visions of a boy that had forced himself upon them, the one guy that they trusted to help them, the one boy that got stuck with it all because he made friends with him and the boy that had stumbled into it all by accident.

* * *

The run up to Sectionals was unforgiving as Finn had them working hard, and the other New Directions alumni turned up – minus Kurt and Rachel – which simply served as an aching reminder to all that he had lost. It was hard just looking at them all reunited and happy, but was almost impossible not to scream out that they were two people short. That _Kurt_ was missing and he was _gone_ and it was _Blaine's_ fault – though he would hide those thoughts from Thad and Sebastian because they'd both kill him.

He was quite surprised that David, Thad and Sebastian kept visiting him every day until the week of Sectionals because they had a lot of work to do with the Warblers, but Thad and David would just shrug and say that this was more important and Sebastian would glare at him for whatever reason was appropriate – Sebastian glared at Blaine a lot – and tell him to eat his food; Sebastian was a like very weird mother to Blaine and Thad, and it was somewhere between brain boggling, highly disturbing and hilarious.

Still, it meant that he actually felt quite healthy when Sectionals rolled around, and all the Warblers wished them luck before they went on – well, not Hunter, but he had a feeling that Hunter knew that he was the reason Wes had come down and ended his very short reign over the Warblers – and Blaine watched their performance from offstage with his a smile because they had so much life and energy and he could feel it filling him up and making him feel good again.

He knew they would be a tough act to beat, but they had _Gangnam Style_ up their sleeve, and Blaine had been one hundred per cent sure he was going to pull it off until he saw Kurt in the crowd. Kurt wasn't exactly looking at him, he was just looking at the New Directions in general, but Blaine felt something drop in him. Could he perform in front of Kurt _again_? Could he go through it all _again_, but he didn't have a choice because the music was starting, and he wasn't going to let them down – he just needed to find the Warblers afterwards and work out what the hell he was going to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_Another quick thank you for everyone that has reviewed, alterted, favourited or read this story. It is all very much appreciated._**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"__I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart."_ ― L. Frank Baum, _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_

* * *

"Kurt's here!" he heard Blaine exclaim, and he realised that, from where he was standing, none of them could actually see him.

"What? Hummel?" asked David in a serious voice that Blaine glared at.

"No, the _other_ Kurt we all know."

"Marsden's here?" asked Sebastian, eyebrow arching, and Kurt blinked in sync with Blaine, both of them taken aback by what Sebastian had said whilst David and Thad sniggered. However, where Kurt's brow sunk into a frown, Blaine rolled his eyes.

"How is it that you remember _Kurt Marsden_, but you don't know the names of all the Warblers?" Sebastian rolled his eyes to the ceiling in an exasperated manner.

"Why do you _think_?" he demanded, and Kurt had to roll his eyes as it took Blaine several seconds to work out that Sebastian had slept with him.

"Oh," said Blaine, looking away. "Right." Kurt couldn't help but think that Blaine looked a little bit _disappointed_ at that. He shook his head because if Blaine wanted to hook up with Sebastian than that was his problem. Sebastian rolled his eyes, and David said;

"Come on, let's just go and get that McDonalds we were talking about…we can't figure this out until we've stuffed several chicken wings down Sebastian's throat."

"I am _not_ putting that shit in my body!"

"I dare you,"

"No, I forfeit."

"Okay, you have to go and talk to _all_ the Freshmen and ask them how they're fitting in and listen to their problems."

"Oh for fuck's sake! I'll eat the friggin' chicken!" Kurt watched Blaine and Thad laugh at their conversation and knew that he should step in and say something; he should demand to talk to Blaine, he should call him out on leaving his teammate behind, he should do _something_, but he couldn't. He just let Blaine walk out the door with the Warblers.

Shaking his head he turned around, but found he didn't want to go to see the New Directions either. Why hadn't he stepped forward to talk to Blaine? What had been so wrong about that moment? Yes, some of the Warblers had been right there, but… Kurt could make them go away. He could have asked for a minute alone to talk to his ex-boyfriend, but he didn't… Why?

Was he simply too much of a coward to find out the truth? Was he afraid of what Blaine might say? But, what did he have to _fear_? He shouldn't have to be afraid to talk to Blaine. He was here to clear the air and cast aside all doubts. That wasn't going to happen if Kurt didn't talk to him. Honestly, what was wrong with him?

Glancing over his shoulder, he knew that it was too late to and talk to Blaine now – he was long gone with his Warbler friends – and he guessed he should just go home and fill them on in on what had happened. He could go see Blaine tomorrow, and he would do it. He would find out _everything_. He _had to_. Blaine…well, Blaine must know that Kurt would be coming to talk to him. The only thing that worried him was that Blaine would have had time to "_figure this out_" which seemed to translate, to Kurt's mind, to time to make up more lies.

Still, short of following them to whichever McDonalds they had gone to, there was nothing he could do. He had no desire to stalk Blaine around Lima or Westerville or wherever he was going, so he just had to wait until tomorrow. Maybe, by then, he would have worked out which questions to ask. There was the question; what's the real truth, but seeing as Blaine was hiding it in the first place then he wasn't likely to respond to that. Kurt didn't want to be subtle, though, he didn't want to delicately prod and poke until he hit the right button; he needed to find the blunt question that would result in a genuine answer.

He never thought it would get this complicated, he thought morosely as he turned on the car engine, because it had been simple. However much he was angry and hurt, he couldn't forget Blaine's scream when he believed everything that Wes had said to him in the hallway – when he realised that they understood whatever it was – or the fact that, putting it all aside, when Wes had first turned up he had been genuinely concerned. Christ, Sebastian had even put on a _gentle_ tone of voice for Blaine. _It_ – whatever _it_ was – _was_ there.

Kurt knew he wasn't going to get anywhere obsessing over the same details over and over again, but he couldn't help it. It was all niggling away in the corner of his mind; slowly driving him insane for sure. He just had to retain his focus on his goals, and he wasn't going to let the Dalton boys meddle or speak for Blaine or tell him anything. Blaine might have lost his trust, but there was no doubt that Blaine had slept with _someone_ – Wes had confirmed it when he'd say he'd be happy if Blaine had done it with someone other than Eli – which meant, to some degree, he _wanted_ to be honest with Kurt more than anything. That's what he had to play on.

Still, though, despite all his rational thoughts, the question danced around his mind of did it change anything? He guessed that, despite not being able to forgive and not trusting him, he _did_ what Blaine back. He supposed half of what he was afraid of was hearing something that would do _more_ damage. He was scared that something more would fall down between them; shatter what little was rest of their relationship, and they would not be able to turn back.

He turned his mind, for want of anything better to do, to what would happen to the Glee club now. They had not won competitions before, but this had taken them back to square _zero_ because they'd never lost _Sectionals_! They were _National champions_, but they'd lost at Sectionals – well, technically they were disqualified, but Kurt thought that was even _worse_. They should have _at least_ placed _second_ if their performance hadn't impressed the judges more than the Warblers' dynamic ones.

He could not imagine how demoralising it was for the Seniors – Artie and Tina in particular as they were part of the original five New Directions, and, he supposed, Brittany too – to go out of the competition in their last year. They would have all of had dreams of a second Nationals trophy, fighting to keep their crown, and, at the very least, having the fun of going to another city to compete and sing. Now what were they going to do?

He didn't envy Finn's position in the least, he thought wryly, because with Mr Schue going off than it was down to him to keep the morale up and stop the club from losing some of its top members; Tina, Artie, Brittany, Sam…_Blaine_, because there was nothing that they would gain from staying in the New Directions apart from the family that they had there. Except he had no idea how close they were to the newer members so maybe it wasn't enough to keep them there anymore. If it wasn't then Finn was in an utter mess.

* * *

"So, it's looking pretty bad then?" asked Burt, and Kurt nodded, eating some of the cold meat and nibbling at the reheated vegetables.

"I mean, Marley was fine, but they were disqualified." He shrugged, and Burt and Carole shared looks that he guessed were to do with Finn finally something that he was good at and made him happy only to have a spanner thrown in the works. "I don't think it will be the end of the club," he continued. "It'll be quite hard for the ones in Senior year, but the others still have other chances. They'll just lose confidence, but they've got a year to build that back up."

"I suppose," said Carole. "but still…It must be quite hard on Marley." Kurt shrugged, but then nodded.

"I would imagine, but I can't see anyone saying it was her fault to her face. The Warblers were_ very_ good so they might not have won anyway; it's never certain."

"Did you speak to Blaine?" asked Burt after they'd chewed on their food for a little bit. Kurt sighed, having known that it was coming, before he shook his head.

"No…"

"Why not?" interrogated Burt. Kurt pursed his lips, closed his eyes, before sighing.

"I saw him backstage, and he was with the Warblers; David, Sebastian and Thad… He knew I was there, and he was freaking about that – he didn't know I was _there_, but he'd seen me in the audience – but the others just made jokes about some other guy called Kurt Marsden that was at Dalton that Sebastian had slept with, and then David said that they should go to McDonalds, and they just walked off…" Burt looked at his son in a disapproving manner.

"Why didn't you step in and talk to him?" Kurt shrugged, shaking his head.

"I don't know. I _really_ have no idea, but it's okay. I'm going to go to and talk to him tomorrow. I'll go to his house and speak to him." Burt nodded, still giving him a look that said he should have talked to Blaine there, but Kurt didn;t need that because he'd worked that much out for himself thank you very much.

The door slammed before Burt could say anything more to Kurt though, which was a relief, and Finn slouched in. He looked at their sympathetic smiles and understanding looks and let out a long sigh, shoulders dropping even further. He rolled his eyes and dropped down into the chair and grabbed the food with a scowl. Kurt glanced over at Burt who widened his eyes and pursed his lips.

"How's Marley?" asked Carole. Finn shrugged and let out a heavy sigh.

"Fine, I think…She just needed some food. I wish we'd known that stupid rule about not going off stage." He ran a hand over his eyes. "I do _not_ want to think what Coach Sylvester is going to say to Figgins tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we're going to lose the choir room though…" He put his hands over his face. "I can't believe I screwed it up so quickly." Kurt shot him a disapproving look.

"You can't have been expecting her to _faint_, Finn. No one _expects_ anyone to faint in the middle of their performance – and congratulations for being a human being and not bothering to read the rule book." Finn shot him a half smile as he picked as his food.

"I just feel like I should have…I dunno…picked up on it or something…Like, I feel like I should have been able to know that she wasn't eating and stuff…" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Finn, you can't just _know_ those things about people; you have to know that they're not eating or hear that they think that they're fat or whatever…Unless they are _seriously_ underweight it isn't something that you're going to notice – not when you're trying to manage the _New Directions_." Finn snorted a little bit, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

"I suppose…God I really need to record everything you say and play it in my ear or something…Like, portable common sense or something." Kurt raised his eyebrow in disbelief whilst a smile spread across Carole's face as Burt's brow furrowed into a frown and he shook his head. Then the snort of laughter that had been contained behind his pursed lips broke free.

He burst out laughing, head tipping forward as felt a warmth spread through him, and he continued to chuckle at the idea of Finn playing recordings of Kurt when he felt he needed some common sense to help him out. Finn looked over at him and rolled his eyes, before, as their parents both laughed, accepting that what he'd said had been both ridiculous and hilarious, and beginning to laugh too.

* * *

Kurt looked at Blaine's house, letting out a deep, steadying, breath and flexing his hands on the steering wheel. Most of the blinds seemed to be drawn around the house, and Kurt supposed that his parents were probably away, and Blaine was most likely only getting up around now – at half eleven – after Finn had told him he hadn't come to school which was no doubt a result staying out late with the Warblers the previous night. Or at least that's what he had anticipated as it had been a convenient excuse to delay his arrival.

Rolling his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all, he got out of his car, slamming the door and locking it, and trudged up the familiar path to Blaine's front door. Kurt paused when he got there, considering simply using the spare key to let himself in, but then decided against that. It was okay when Blaine was expecting him and they were dating, but if he was turning up out of the blue then it was much more polite of him to announce himself to him. He knocked on the door, and he was forced to wait several minutes before it swung open to reveal a sight that made him sick to the stomach.

There, wearing nothing but a towel around their waist with their hair still damp from the shower and water still dripping down their chest, stood Sebastian Smythe. His mouth had been opened to say something, but he closed it on sight of Kurt – clearly they had been expecting something else. Kurt stared into Sebastian's calm green eyes, it seemed that his unexpected arrival did not shake him, and desperately fought the urge to be sick because this was _so not_ happening.

"Sebastian, _how_ _many times_ do I have to tell you? You _cannot_ answer the door when you're not…" Blaine trailed off at the sight of Kurt, his eyes bugging wide open and a panicked expression appearing on his face. Kurt took a deep breath, pushing down his jealousy because if Blaine wanted to mess around with Sebastian and get his heartbroken by a bastard that was _fine_, and arranged his face into a cool expression.

"I can come back later if you're…_busy_…?" Blaine blinked, glanced at Sebastian and rubbed his hand over his eyes in a tired manner.

"Um, no, that's ridiculous…come in." Sebastian stepped aside, but not before Kurt had seen a smirk appearing on his face that Kurt was _not_ going to slap because he was _not_ jealous because Blaine had broken his heart.

"I'll make coffee," he said, whirling around marching off towards the kitchen. Blaine scratched the back of his neck as Kurt noticed that he was still wearing his pyjamas, his curly hair was messier than normal, and he looked very tired.

"Sorry, I, um…I wasn't expecting to see you here…I mean, um, I knew you were around…I saw you at Sectionals, but, um-"

"_Blaine_!" came Sebastian's yell, cutting through his babbling, and Kurt felt a nasty expression attempt to twist its way onto his lips. "How many times do I have to tell _you_? Unless you want to be robbed, shut the fucking door!" Blaine went scarlet and immediately closed the door, glancing at Kurt nervously. Kurt – although his insides were a mess because were they fucking _dating_? – gave him a pleasant smile.

"Are we going into the front room?" he asked, and Blaine started before nodding again. Kurt followed him in, and then immediately wished he hadn't. The normally pristine sofa was a mess; cushions askew, pillows on the floor, a blanket sprawled over it with Sebastian's Dalton tie and blazer littering it and the floor. Kurt perched himself on the end, pursing his lips whilst Blaine nervously kicked one of the cushions into place and then sat down.

"So, um…" said Blaine, not quite meeting his eyes, and Kurt had never thought this would be so hard. "Why did you-" Sebastian walked in and delivered them coffee. Smirking at Kurt and winking at Blaine, he left the room with a definite swagger in his step. Blaine gave him a weak smile as he gulped his hastily for something to do before wincing at the scalding temperature. Kurt almost shot him a disapproving look, but stopped himself.

"I came here," he said because there was no point beating about the bush or prolonging his visit because Kurt wanted this over as soon as possible. "because I want the truth." Blaine's eyes got even wider at that, and he glanced around as the sound of Sebastian's feet went up the stairs, like he was wishing that he would stay here and give him some advice and support. Kurt would never admit how much that single action hurt him.

He saw just how far gone he and Blaine were in that second. Blaine no longer needed Kurt for _anything_. Where he might have needed friendship or companionship or just someone to sing with he had the Warblers. Where he needed someone to encourage him and support him and offer him in the right direction he – _somehow_ – had Sebastian. Where he needed someone to…fulfil his physical needs in a relationship he had Sebastian. Where he needed someone to _love_ him… Kurt wasn't sure, but he knew he had the Warblers to do the platonic side of that, and, maybe just _maybe_, he had Sebastian do that as well.

Blaine's relationship with Sebastian was clearly different to when he'd met him last year. Before he'd been completely dazzled by him, in awe and so obviously enjoying his flirting and attention, but he now looked to Sebastian on a deeper level. Before, everything with Sebastian had been completely _physical_ – Sebastian had never scratched the surface of that back then – but now Sebastian was there for Blaine, albeit in a different way to Kurt, on an emotional one too.

It was all gone.

Still, he was here for answers so that he could move on from Blaine, just like Blaine had so easily moved on from him.

"Um…" said Blaine, eventually filling the silence. "I don't- I don't know what you're talking about." After the horribly crushing revelation that Kurt had just experienced, he felt his resolve to be polite simply snap.

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, Blaine!" he exclaimed in annoyance because he was not in the mood for whatever plan that Blaine had made last night with the Warblers. Whatever game he was playing, Kurt was playing along. He wasn't going to fall into line and dance to Blaine's tune because _Kurt_ was the victim in all of this not Blaine.

"I-I- what is going on?" Blaine's eyes were impossibly wide, and Kurt felt like shaking him so that he would just _stop_.

"I _know_ that there's something going on, Blaine! I _know_ because Wes came to me and started asking questions about someone called _Eli_! I _know_ because I saw you after _Grease_, and I am _very_ interested as to why this is not your fault. Of course you're not the only person in this situation; _lots_ of people cheat on their boyfriends, but _what _is so different about _you_?" He knew that there were some tears in his eyes, but he tried to ignore it, blinking it away, and focused on the _petrified_ expression on Blaine's face.

"What- what did Wes tell you?" Kurt gave him a hard look at the tremble in his voice. Then took a calming breath, composed himself, before speaking;

"He told me that it was bad news, that it affected someone else in the Warblers, that it had _Sebastian_ panicking and that I would _"__very happy_" if you'd hooked up with someone else." He knew he sounded scathing, but he felt that he had the right, and he was also hoping that he might be able to startle the truth out of him.

Blaine took a shaky breath in, blinking, and Kurt could see, alarmingly enough, that there were tears building up rapidly in his eyes. He didn't know what was upsetting Blaine so much, but he could see that it was the same thing that had reduced him to a sobbing wreck after _Grease_. It was the thing that made Kurt worried because something that was so bad to tear down all Blaine's protective walls that he hid behind was _bad_.

"Blaine…" he said, voice softening on instinct because he _was_ in love with Blaine, and he _didn't_ want to see him upset or cry. He just didn't.

"Kurt, I told you," he said in a voice that faltered and waved, but held. "I was with someone. It was- it meant _nothing_, but I was with someone…Nothing else matters." Kurt let out an exasperated sigh because this could change things between them. Wes had given him the hope that it _could _change it.

"Blaine, I _know_ you're lying to me. _Why_ are you telling it was just a hook up? Why did you even _tell me that_ in the first place?" he demanded, latching onto the strange thing that it would have been so much better for Blaine to lie to Kurt. Blaine should have just lied to him to spare them both all this pain.

"Because you-" he broke off, looking away, shaking his head vigorously. "Because you- you…"

"_Blaine_," he pressed. "_tell me_."

"_Because I don't deserve you_!" he yelled, leaping from the sofa with the tears beginning to slip down his face, some form of anger – probably at himself – bursting from him. "I _don't deserve you_, Kurt, after what I did I will _never _deserve you." Kurt got to his feet, standing over Blaine and giving him a cold look.

"Don't you think that that's for _me_ to decide? And how can I do that when I haven't been told _everything_? Don't you want to _try_ and fix this? Don't you even _care_?" Blaine looked away, biting down on the inside of his lip as he cried, and Kurt felt _so frustrated_ because Blaine _didn't_ seem to care about trying to move on! "You don't, do you?" he said, stepping backwards in disgust, face turning into a sneer. "You don't care because you have the Warblers, and Sebastian, but what about _me_, Blaine? You hurt _me_ with what you did."

"I said I was sorry…" he croaked out, and Kurt gave a dismissive snort.

"That doesn't _change_ what you did, Blaine! That doesn't change _anything_! I came here to try and- and _change things_. Look me in the eye, Blaine, look me in the _eye_ and _tell me_ that you're happy with what happened. I _can't_ forgive you, Blaine, until you tell me what happened! I don't _want_ to not trust you or be unhappy, I want this to be different, so just _tell me_!" Blaine shook his head, moving a hand to wipe away his tears.

"I told you _everything you need to know_," he reiterated. Kurt shook his head, closing his eyes, and _unable_ to believe this. Blaine was not going to tell him. Blaine wasn't sorry. Blaine genuinely did not seem to care about how Kurt felt.

He felt several tears, unbidden and unwanted, spill over his lids because he had never, _ever_, felt that Blaine did not care about him. Blaine had cared about Kurt when he didn't even _know_ Kurt. He'd come to confront Kurt's _bully _with him. He'd stood up for him when no one else did. He'd cared for Kurt and seen Kurt's sadness when no one else had and no one else _cared_. He had _always_ cared for Kurt. Kurt could not describe the unbearable, ripping, feeling he was experiencing inside himself at the idea.

"You don't care about me…" he whispered in a voice of hoarse wonder. Blaine's stopped crying the second the words were out of his mouth. He stared at Kurt with wide, shocked, eyes. He shook his head, first slowly but then increasingly fast.

"No, no, I'm doing this _because_ I care." Kurt shot him an angry, disparaging, look that was filled with disbelief and scorn.

"No you're not," he said in a cold voice, even though he was still crying at what he had worked out. "You're doing this for yourself. I don't need _you_ to choose for me. I don't need you to make my decisions for me, and you know that. You just wanted out, didn't you? You couldn't stand not having a boyfriend around, could you?" Blaine was shaking his head so furiously, crying again, that it was becoming a blur, but Kurt was past paying attention to him. His mind was whirring away in an irrational manner, sending words through his mouth before he'd even considered what they'd meant.

"Kurt, I-"

"This is _all about you _being"_lonely_", _isn't it_? So you could be with Sebastian, and-"

"_What are you talking about_?"

"_Blaine_!" The door flew open, and Sebastian came dashing in, collar of his white shirt open and it hung lose over his grey school trousers. Both of them turned their tear-filled, angry, eyes to him only to freeze. Sebastian had a look that was one of pure shock and fear. His eyes were wide open and his face was pale.

"Bastian…?" questioned Blaine, wiping his eyes and stepping towards him. "What- what's happened?"

"It's Thad," said Sebastian, in a voice that clearly fought for control. Kurt looked between them, unable to gauge what was going on, as Blaine's face also transitioned into a scared, panicked, one.

"What- what's happened to him?"

"He told his parents _everything_!" yelled Sebastian, and Kurt was shocked to hear Sebastian's voice jump higher in panic and fear. Blaine blinked several times.

"Ev- what do you mean _everything_?"

"I mean, he _came out_ and then some!" Blaine took several steps closer to Sebastian, and Kurt's mind was spinning because since when was Thad gay?

"How did they take it?" asked Blaine in a hoarse voice.

"I don't know! He ran off, locked himself in his room and by the time David smashed the door down…" Sebastian swallowed, and Kurt felt his eyes flicker between the two boys as something seemed to crash down on Blaine. His legs went weak, and he snatched onto Sebastian's arm. "He's in hospital." Kurt felt his eyes go wide open in shock as he put two and two together – Thad had tried to commit _suicide_!

Kurt felt something horrible sink down inside of him as Blaine went into a panic. His hands flew around as some tears fell down his face. Sebastian seemed to get a hold of himself as Blaine twittered around in distressed way. His face stopped being scared and frightened, and a shutter seemed to snap down over his so that all that Kurt saw was a steely expression. Sebastian grabbed Blaine by his upper arm and shook him.

"You have five minutes to put some clothes on or I'm going without you." Blaine blinked and darted from the room. Sebastian turned his cold, indifferent, eyes on Kurt, but it didn't matter now because Kurt had seen Sebastian in a state of pure terror; his indifferent mask didn't work quite so well when Kurt had seen completely and utterly _scared_ for another person.

"I think you better head home, Hummel," he said. "And you might want to try and stop thinking about yourself all the time." Kurt wanted to hit him, but he couldn't because he wasn't about to sink to the level of physical violence, and Sebastian's friend had just attempted suicide and was in hospital and Sebastian was _very_ worried about him.

So, Kurt let it go. He let it go because he couldn't take anymore. He didn't want to stay another minute anyway. He walked out of the house with his shoulders slumped in a manner of defeat because he hadn't got the answers he'd wanted and all he'd done was break his heart his heart even further. Still, he got in the car in silence and watched as Sebastian and Blaine dashed out and drove off, and, when they were gone from view, he let himself break down into sobs at the pointlessness of it all.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_Nothing much to say but a continued thank you for your support of this story; it really is very much appreciated. Again, I've written quite far ahead so I should be updating soon. I hope you enjoy this chapter._**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"We accept the love we think we deserve." ― _Stephen Chbosky, _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_

* * *

He had to admit that, horribly enough, he found that he didn't really have him in it to be _too_ fussed over Marley fainted, or to hear that they'd been disqualified because show choir wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things because _Kurt_ was here. Kurt _here_! What was Kurt doing here? Was he here to see Blaine? Would he even _see_ Blaine?

"Hey Blaine!" he turned around and saw the Warblers, minus Hunter it seemed, standing there, David awkwardly holding the trophy. He gave them all a smile, though, and stepped forward to hug Nick, Jeff and Trent – congratulating Nick on his solo – before pulling Thad into a tight embrace, that David piled onto and, lastly, forcing a hug onto Sebastian who threw him off as soon as he could.

"How's your teammate?" asked David, a look of great concern appearing on his face. Blaine gave them a smile and a shrug.

"She just fainted…" he shot David, Sebastian and Thad a look that screamed "_I need to talk_!", and they nodded subtly.

"Nicholas!" cried David. "I entrust you to look after this trophy, if anything happens to it; I know where you live – the room above me – and I'll kill you...and probably frame Hunter for it all." Nick saluted as the rest laughed, and, after some pointed looks, the Warblers trotted off. Blaine took a deep breath, looking between the three of them and suddenly finding himself short of words.

"Blaine, come on!" said Sebastian, snapping his fingers. "Don't leave us all hanging in suspense! What's the big news? Employment? Cancer? Pregnancy?" Blaine stared at Sebastian for several long moments before they all burst out laughing. Sebastian flickered his eyes the ceiling in despair, but he did let a small, triumphant, smirk spread across his face at making Blaine laugh.

"_Pregnancy_!" snorted David, doubling up as Thad gave Sebastian a look that told him he was ridiculous whilst he laughed.

"On a more serious note," he said when he stopped laughing. "What _is_ wrong, Blaine?" Blaine took a deep breath before bursting out;

"Kurt's here!" Three pairs of eyes stared at him; two shocked and one – surprise, surprise, belonging to Sebastian – unimpressed.

"What? Hummel?" asked David in a serious voice tone of voice that caused Blaine to glare at him because which other Kurt could he _possibly_ be talking about?

"No, the _other_ Kurt we all know."

"Marsden's here?" asked Sebastian, eyebrow arching, and Blaine blinked at that, completely taken aback by the statement and surprised that Sebastian even _remembered_ Kurt Marsden whilst David and Thad sniggered. Then he rolled his eyes at him.

"How is it that you remember _Kurt Marsden_, but you don't know the names of all the Warblers?" Sebastian rolled his eyes to the ceiling in an exasperated manner that he seemed to have perfected.

"Why do you _think_?" he demanded, and Blaine stared, blankly, at him until it clicked that Sebastian must have _slept_ with him.

"Oh," said Blaine, looking away at the sudden memory of Eli. "Right." It was horrible to have it sprung on it like that, but he tried to remember what Thad about said about memories of Kurt and he felt a little better. Sebastian rolled his eyes, and David said;

"Come on, let's just go and get that McDonalds we were talking about…we can't figure this out until we've stuffed several chicken wings down Sebastian's throat." Sebastian turned a glare on David whilst Thad rolled his eyes and hid his laughter. Blaine felt himself relax.

"I am _not_ putting that shit in my body!"

"I dare you,"

"No, I forfeit."

"Okay, you have to go and talk to _all_ the Freshmen and ask them how they're fitting in and listen to their problems."

"Oh for fuck's sake! I'll eat the friggin' chicken!" Blaine dissolved into laughter along with Thad at their conversation because if he needed two people to entertain him then David and Sebastian bickering certainly did the trick. David slung an arm around his shoulder whilst Sebastian and Thad engaged in a little shoving war started by Thad.

They piled into Sebastian's car because Sebastian refused to be driven around by anyone that was not himself. Thad got in the front whilst David chased Blaine into the back seat. Blaine let the warmth that he always, _always_, got from them – these three more than anyone else in the Warblers – wash over him as Sebastian turned on the radio and cranked it up when he realised that it was playing _Live While We're Young_. Thad let out a small groan and turned it off. Sebastian shot him a glare.

"Don't you _dare_ touch my radio again!" he snapped whilst David leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, to watch the inevitable argument that would happen. Blaine had learnt quickly that – whilst Sebastian cared more about Thad then the rest of them – Sebastian gained a certain pleasure from pressing Thad's buttons and setting him off.

The radio went back on, and Thad crossed his arms and scowled. David laughed his head off, and Blaine took some deep breaths, feeling his hands wind themselves together in his lap, as he tried to keep the anxiety at bay. It was going round and round in his mind; was Kurt here for him? Should he have stayed? What did he want? What did _Blaine_ want? He ran a hand down his face.

"Blaine," said David, a hand going to his arm. Blaine jumped and looked at his friend. He gave him a forced smile as he noted that the radio had suddenly been switched off.

"David?" David rolled his eyes, Thad had twisted around in his seat and Sebastian was glaring at him via the rear-view mirror. Right, what was he thinking? He sighed and sunk against the back of the car seat. "I just wonder whether he's here to talk to me. I mean… he can't _know_ so what does he want." He missed the looks that David and Sebastian shared because he was looking at Thad's worried expression.

"Maybe- maybe he's here to forgive you." Blaine felt his eyes go wide because, _yes_, he wanted to be back with Kurt, but he stuck by resolution – Kurt deserved better.

"What do I do?" he asked in a hoarse voice that was filled with fear. Thad looked at the other occupants in the car, and there was a very awkward silence. "_What_?" he demanded, eyes darting between the three Dalton boys around him.

"Tell him," said Sebastian, eventually, rolling his eyes, and it took Blaine a second to realise that Sebastian was not ordering someone else in the car to tell _him_ something, but for Blaine to tell Kurt. Blaine shook his head vigorously.

"No, no, no, I _can't_! I can't take the risk! I can't have- it's not- I _can't_!" he looked around, his eyes filled with tears, and David rubbed his upper arm.

"Okay, look, Blaine; _we're_ not telling him anything, and we're not telling _you_ to tell him anything," Sebastian glared at them again. David rolled his eyes. "Alright, _Sebastian_ thinks you should tell him, but, seeing as Sebastian cannot comprehend emotions and human beings in general, we're not going to listen to him." Thad burst out laughing at that, eyeing Sebastian, whilst Sebastian rolled his eyes a little bit, and Blaine felt his lips turn upwards in a smile.

"The most important thing, though Blaine," said Thad in a very serious voice when he'd stopped laughing at Sebastian's expense. "is that you continue to not blame yourself." Blaine nodded, staring into his friend's eyes which were haunted – telling Blaine that Eli would stay with him forever – but also contained the care for Blaine that was enough to give him hope.

"Okay…" he muttered, glancing out of the window and feeling a little bit stupid in his performance clothes as Sebastian pulled into the drive through. They fell silent as Sebastian ordered for them, glaring at David when he put his own in, and they were all amused by how flustered the girl at the window got when the four boys, all neatly dressed and looking very charming, smiled at her as she handed them the food. David had kicked the back of Sebastian's chair before he could say anything that would reduce her to tears, and Sebastian, glaring at David again, drove off.

The radio was turned on once more, and David began to sing along very loudly which turned Sebastian's knuckles white on the wheel when Thad joined in. Blaine found himself laughing at Sebastian's obvious annoyance by their behaviour; David belting out the wrong lyrics marginally out of tune as he played air guitar, and Thad tried to sing over him as he banged his head along to the beat.

Sebastian had started muttering about setting Thad's things alight – Blaine had heard the unfortunate tale of their first meeting when Sebastian had almost set fire to all of Thad's possessions – to which David had roared with laughter as he'd come across the whole scene. The atmosphere in the car was so light despite everything that hung over them, and Blaine found himself laughing without really thinking about it all. Nothing mattered in those moments because it was just David roaring with laughter, Sebastian sending everyone death glares and Thad still singing like he wasn't being forced to remember all the things he'd buried since Freshman year.

Unfortunately for Blaine, the idea to plan what he was going to say to Kurt if he came to speak to him went out of the window when they got to his house. Blaine got dressed into his pyjamas, and when he came back down stairs the intro credits to _Star Wars I_ were already rolling so he flopped down as he was handed his unhealthy meal that, as Sebastian would say, would fatten him up until Sebastian found a pot large enough to cook him in, and let himself forget.

It was incredible, but everything vanished from his mind, and, even though Sebastian was there and making sarcastic comments at the film, he managed to feel like he'd been whisked back in time to his arrival at Dalton when he'd stayed up late at night with the other guys watching films because he'd been too afraid to go to sleep where he'd have to face his nightmares.

He was still running from things, but this time he was running from them _with_ people. None of his friends in his year had understood what he'd been through and only David knew that he'd been trying to put off sleep because of nightmares so it had been awkward and uncomfortable. However, here with his friends that had been through the situation before and were filled with confidence and hope – well, he wasn't sure about Sebastian being filled with _hope_, but he firmly believed that they would get better – and that made watching all the _Star Wars_ movies one of the most pleasant things he'd done in his life because there was no expectation, no pressure, no fear; simply comfort.

Their _Star Wars_ marathon took them into the early hours of the morning. Somewhere around the third film David had gone off to get a blanket that the four of them – Sebastian caved eventually after much pleading and blackmail – curled up under, and, whilst Sebastian decided that _A New Hope_ was boring and that it would be more fun to tickle Thad, they all managed to just about to stay on the sofa as they passed out against each other – the Dalton boys still dressed in their uniforms though they'd disposed of their blazers and ties a while back – after Blaine had managed to get the DVD out of the player and back in the pile.

* * *

Blaine blinked heavily as he slowly came drifting back into the living world. He had a very soft cushion beneath him, and he snuggled into the warmth, wishing he could fall back asleep. However, the pillow shifted and decided it wanted to poke at him. Blaine swiped at it in a tired fashion – why couldn't just let him sleep? – before freezing. He'd just been _poked_ by a _pillow_!

His eyes shot open as he sat upwards, sending the blanket over him tumbling into his lap, and blinked around the room with a similar expression to a mole poking it's head into the sunlight. Glancing around, he saw that he was still on the sofa in his front room and that his pillow was, in fact, David. David gave him a grin as he rubbed a hand over his face and pointed to the other side of Blaine. Blaine, blinking away the sleep in his eyes, looked round and saw a sight that made a smile spread across his face.

On the other side of the sofa were Thad and Sebastian. Sebastian was sprawled against the corner of the sofa, head hanging backwards into the air as his upper back was braced between the arm and the back cushion. His arms, however, were wrapped very tightly around Thad, who had his face pressed into Sebastian's shoulder and his legs and arms curled into his body and was lying flush against Sebastian's body.

He found himself fighting a laugh at the sight whilst David pulled out his phone and took a picture, an action that Blaine copied when he located his own mobile, and the noise seemed to wake Sebastian. A frown appeared on his face, and his face fell into one of complete shock – possibly with a mixture of horror – as he looked at Thad's position. He scowled at David and Blaine, clearly knowing what they'd done, and then poked Thad.

Blaine put his head in his hands as Thad began to stir because the best way for Thad to wake up was probably not tucked into his best friend's side. He saw an amused grin spread across David's face as he filmed the scene so that he would be able to tease them at a later date, and Thad frowned at his position and then recoiled, eyes going wide and face blushing scarlet until he collided with Blaine and knocked them both off the sofa. David began laughing very hard, and Sebastian's face looked amused as Thad ruffled up his hair and looked at his watch.

"It's _quarter to eleven_!" he exclaimed, suddenly, looking around in alarm. "_Shit_! I told my parents I'd be home! Shit! Shit! _Shit_!"

"Calm down!" grumbled Sebastian, sending him a glare that told him that it was too early in the morning for him to cause such a loud noise, and Blaine had to agree with him. Sebastian stretched as he climbed off the sofa whilst Thad glared at him. "You can simply call them, and then go with David in Blaine's car, right Blaine?" Blaine, blinking rapidly, nodded and smiled.

"Yeah…let's have breakfast…" Everyone snorted at Blaine's sudden desire to eat food after so long of starving himself, but Blaine felt surprisingly hungry for once – maybe it came from actually feeling emotionally content.

"Blaine, I don't mean to alarm you," said David as they trudged into the kitchen, and him and Thad began pulling out things to cook breakfast with. "but shouldn't you be at school?" Blaine yawned, widely, still not feeling very awake, but then shook his head.

"I feel ill…besides you're using my car." he muttered which wasn't technically true, but he certainly didn't think he'd manage a two hour drive in his state of tiredness. The Warblers gave him an appraising look before shrugging.

"Probably safest if you don't drive anywhere, _especially_ not with Sebastian," muttered Thad as he frowned at the egg carton as if he couldn't remember how to open it. Sebastian seemed to be the only person that's brain had clicked into gear at this time in the morning as he put some toast in the toaster – probably the only thing Sebastian was capable of making as he had someone at his house that cooked for him – and stared at David, demanding to know why he had not conjured up food.

David and Thad made a pretty decent fry up when they could agree on which pan to use, and Blaine found himself laughing as he fought to keep his eyes open as David tried to swallow a sausage whole, and Thad made a face with eggs for eyes, sausage mouth and nose and bacon hair. Sebastian had insisted that they were all trying to kill him by feeding him filth, but he ate it up just the same.

Blaine gave David a tired glare that threatened him to cause harm to his car. David just grinned, cheekily, back at him as the food seemed to have woken him up. Thad looked like he wanted to die in a hole, but he did give Sebastian a smile that told him it was okay to stay and to look after Blaine, for which Blaine was grateful until he realised that that meant he had to put up with all of Sebastian's comments about how he was an idiot. Luckily, though, those would be postponed until after Sebastian had his shower which left Blaine to clean up the kitchen.

He ignored the knock on the door because no one actually came to see him until he heard Sebastian's feet and almost dropped the plate because Sebastian was going to do the stupid, opening-the-door-when-he-was-half-naked thing that had scared the neighbour's eight year old when she'd come to sell her girl scout cookies, or something. He stuffed the plate into the dishwasher and called out, moving into the hallway;

"Sebastian, how _many times_ do I have to tell you? You _cannot_ answer the door when you're not…" he trailed off, eyes going wide at the sight of Kurt. Kurt was here? Oh God! He hadn't worked out what to say to him! Oh no! Oh no!

"I can come back later if you're…_busy_…?" Blaine blinked, feeling highly confused by the comment and looked at Sebastian as he rubbed his tired eyes.

"Um, no, that's ridiculous…" he said because there was no point Kurt taking a four hour round trip to see him. "Come in," he watched, feeling panicked, nervous and awkward as Sebastian stepped aside, and then announced he was going to make coffee, for which he was eternally grateful as he scratched the back of his neck and tried to find something to say.

"Sorry, I, um…I wasn't expecting to see you here…I mean, um, I knew you were around…I saw you at Sectionals, but, um-"

"_Blaine_!" Blaine almost breathed a sigh of relief at the shout that stopped him making a complete fool of himself. "How many times do I have to tell _you_? Unless you want to be robbed, shut the fucking door!" Blaine blushed scarlet, wondering what Kurt must think of him as he closed the door.

"Are we going into the front room?" he thought he detected a highly cold note to Kurt's voice, but just let it go as he nodded and walked into the messy room. Blaine kicked one of the sofa cushions back into place before sitting down, not looking at Kurt.

"So, um… Why did you-" he was grateful, again, for Sebastian's interruption as the coffee – though it burned his throat – gave him something to do that didn't involve talking to, or looking at, Kurt.

"I came here because I want the truth," said Kurt, and Blaine's heart was beating so wildly in panic that he felt sick. He glanced around for Sebastian, but could hear him going up the stairs – shit, he was on his own.

"Um…" said Blaine, eventually filling the silence. "I don't- I don't know what you're talking about." He didn't understand how Kurt could possibly _know_ that Blaine had not told him everything. Kurt's reaction in the park and when he'd come to the musical had told Blaine that he bought his story; what was going on?

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, Blaine!"

"I-I-" he faltered. "what is going on?" he got out eventually, eyes wide with panic and fear, and Kurt's face was unnaturally cold.

"I _know_ that there's something going on, Blaine! I _know_ because Wes came to me and started asking questions about someone called _Eli_! I _know_ because I saw you after _Grease_, and I am _very_ interested as to why this is not your fault. Of course you're not the only person in this situation; _lots_ of people cheat on their boyfriends, but _what _is so different about _you_?" Blaine officially couldn't breathe he was so scared. What had Wes _done_?

"What- what did Wes tell you?" he asked in a quavering voice because Wes had _promised_ _him_ that he wouldn't tell Kurt what had happened, he'd _promised him_.

"He told me that it was bad news, that it affected someone else in the Warblers, that it had _Sebastian_ panicking and that I would _very happy_ if you'd hooked up with someone else." Blaine felt the tears build up in his eyes because Kurt was _so close_ to finding out the truth. "Blaine…" he heard Kurt's voice soften, and that reminded him that he was not worthy of Kurt. He was sticking to his story. Kurt deserved better.

"Kurt, I told you," he said in a voice that faltered and waved, but held. "I was with someone. It was- it meant _nothing_, but I was with someone…Nothing else matters." He could not bare to look at Kurt as he sighed.

"Blaine, I _know_ you're lying to me. _Why_ are you telling it was just a hook up? Why did you even _tell me that_ in the first place?"

"Because you-" he broke off, looking away, shaking his head vigorously as he remembered the cold realisation after it had ended when he'd known Kurt was the only person he could love and how he was not in way good enough for him. "Because you- you…"

"_Blaine_," he pressed. "_tell me_."

"_Because I don't deserve you_!" he cried, leaping off the sofa as he started to cry because _why_ couldn't Kurt see that Blaine would never deserve him? "I _don't deserve you_, Kurt, after what I did I will _never _deserve you."

"Don't you think that that's for _me_ to decide? And how can I do that when I haven't been told _everything_? Don't you want to _try_ and fix this? Don't you even _care_?" Blaine looked away from Kurt, biting down on his lip because couldn't Kurt see he was doing this _because_ he cared? "You don't, do you? You don't care because you have the Warblers, and Sebastian, but what about _me_, Blaine? You hurt _me_ with what you did."

"I said I was sorry…" he croaked out because this hurt _so much _and because this was exactly what he was scared of, and Kurt gave a dismissive snort.

"That doesn't _change_ what you did, Blaine! That doesn't change _anything_! I came here to try and- and _change things_. Look me in the eye, Blaine, look me in the _eye_ and _tell me_ that you're happy with what happened. I _can't_ forgive you, Blaine, until you tell me what happened! I don't _want_ to not trust you or be unhappy, I want this to be different, so just _tell me_!" Blaine shook his head because he wasn't happy, but he _didn't deserve Kurt_.

"I told you _everything you need to know_," he reiterated in the vain attempt to get Kurt to understand that the fact that he'd been with Eli – even though it had been rape – was the only thing that mattered.

"You don't care about me…" he heard Kurt's whisper and felt stop in horror. He stared at Kurt with wide eyes because he loved Kurt _so much_. He shook his head slowly – _no_! – and then faster – _no! no! NO!_.

"No, no, I'm doing this _because_ I care." But Kurt didn't believe him, he could see it, and that was _killing_ Blaine.

"No you're not," he said in a cold voice. "You're doing this for yourself. I don't need _you_ to choose for me. I don't need you to make my decisions for me, and you know that. You just wanted out, didn't you? You couldn't stand not having a boyfriend around, could you?" Blaine shook his head as fast he could, tears streaming down his face – _it's not my fault. It's not my fault. I'm doing this for Kurt. It's not my fault._ – but he knew Kurt wasn't paying attention.

"Kurt, I-"

"This is _all about you _being"_lonely_", _isn't it_? So you could be with Sebastian, and-" Blaine felt his mind stop a little bit in shock at the mention of Sebastian before he remembered how to speak;

"_What are you talking about_?"

"_Blaine_!" The door flew open, and Sebastian – finally dressed – came sprinting in. Blaine turned angry eyes that were filled with tears onto him in sync with Kurt and froze. Sebastian looked _terrified_. His face was completely pale, and, though he looked shocked, his expression was mainly one of _fear_.

"Bastian…?" questioned Blaine, wiping his eyes and stepping towards him because he knew that there very few things – maybe only one thing – that could trigger such a reaction from Sebastian. "What- what's happened?"

"It's Thad," said Sebastian, in a voice that clearly fought for control. Blaine felt his panic and fear swirl up inside of him even though he should have seen it coming.

"What- what's happened to him?"

"He told his parents _everything_!" yelled Sebastian, and Blaine blinked several times, trying to understand what had just been said, but also in shock at the way Sebastian's voice at leapt up the octave at the end.

"Ev- what do you mean _everything_?" Because that _could not_ mean what he thought it meant.

"I mean, he _came out_ and then some!" Blaine took several steps closer to Sebastian in fear because – _oh my God_ – Thad had just told his parents that he was gay and that he'd been raped completely out of the blue.

"How did they take it?" asked Blaine in a hoarse voice.

"I don't know! He ran off, locked himself in his room and by the David smashed the door down…" Sebastian swallowed, and, as the horrifying truth of what Thad must have done crashed down on him, his legs went weak. He snatched onto Sebastian's arm. "He's in hospital."

Blaine began to cry, hands flapping around uncontrollably, because Thad had just tried to kill himself, and Blaine obviously had to go and help, but what was he meant to say? Oh good _grief_! What did he say to Thad? What did he say to Thad's _parents_? Did they _know_ about Blaine too? He felt completely unable to think logically in his state of distress until Sebastian grabbed onto his upper arm and shook him, grounding him.

"You have five minutes to put some clothes on or I'm going without you." Blaine blinked at him before he understood what that meant and darted from the room. He dashed up the stairs and crashed into his bedroom, wiping the tears from his face as he searched for the nearest clothes and threw them on hastily, not bothering with his hair, and just taking time to blow his nose and snatch his iPod because music _always_ helped before thundering back down the stairs.

Sebastian, whose face was now schooled into a steely mask, stood by the front door on with his blazer on and his car keys in his hand. Without saying a word, he wrenched open the front door and the two of them dashed to the car after Blaine had remembered to lock the house. He could see Kurt in his car and felt mildly relieved that he had an excuse to avoid talking to Kurt until he remembered what that excuse was, and then he felt sick to his stomach.

When they got to the hospital would Thad even still be _alive_?


	7. Chapter 7

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_Sadly enough today is the last day of my school holidays, which means, not only do I have to endure lessons and homework, that the amount of time that I get to spend writing will be severely cut back. That being said, I'm still quite far ahead with this story and so, with any luck, I should be able to keep updating relatively frequently. Thanks again, to all that have reviewed, alerted or favourited; it is appreciated and does provide extra motivation to write._**

**_Enjoy this next chapter!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."_ ― Mark Twain

* * *

It didn't take Kurt long to pull himself together because – _honestly_ – what was the point of crying? He had wasted quite enough tears over Blaine. He may not have found the truth, but he had gotten his answers after all. Blaine no longer cared about him, and he had moved onto Sebastian and had all his Warbler friends. No matter what Wes had said, and there was _something_ there, it didn't change things between them because Blaine did not _want_ it to. Maybe, in a strange way and most certainly in the long run, Blaine was right.

Kurt wanted to be with someone for the longer term, who could handle long distance as well as he had, and maybe Blaine wasn't that person. Kurt had thought they were soul mates, but he had just been a teenager back then, and the only thing that the teenage population was good at as a whole was getting their heart's broken. They were also very good at making stupid mistake and falling too hard and too fast and messing it all up – look at Finn and Rachel; they'd been _engaged_ at one point last year, and now they weren't even _talking_ to each other.

In many ways, Kurt felt much more like an adult as he pulled away from Blaine's house. He felt jaded and older and wiser and, whilst it hadn't been the nicest way to grow up, maybe that was a good thing. He had got what he'd wanted after all; he could move on now. He wasn't stupid enough to think that he was immediately going to stop hurting because of that – the notion that Blaine didn't care for him _at all_ still cut through him – but maybe he could get some semblance of peace.

Because his mind had nothing to think about but Blaine and that wasn't what he wanted, he turned his mind onto Thad. His heart went out to the Warbler because he'd obviously been so scared of his parents' reaction to him being gay that he would rather be dead then face it, but he was also confused as to the "_then some_" that Sebastian had mentioned. It had certainly highly disturbed both Blaine and Sebastian, but Kurt had no notion of what that could be.

Kurt had a similar relationship to Thad as he had to the other Warblers that were Blaine's friends that weren't Blaine himself or Wes because Wes seemed have the job of looking after all the boys but especially the Warblers and, well, he'd been completely in love with Blaine. That meant he didn't know very much about him, but he'd liked him well enough. He'd been the one that was a little tightly wound and exploded on random occasions about small things, but he'd had a good sense of humour like the others – although his blatant hero worship of Blaine had ticked Kurt off.

Still, it was horrible that he hadn't thought to call Blaine or Sebastian, or any of them, because Sebastian's reaction to the news had certainly been an eye opener about their relationship. Kurt highly doubted that there were many people that could produce such a reaction from Sebastian. He supposed that Blaine probably could given that they seemed to be dating – maybe David – but he didn't think that there would be anyone else.

He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for David, though, to be _in_ the house – to be _there_ – and to not have Thad come to him for help. He knew that David was straight, but he was pretty good listener, and Blaine had always told Kurt that David was renowned as the Warbler that kept other people's secrets and would be the one looking out for all of them when Wes went. He'd also _found_ him, by the sounds of it. That made Kurt shiver. He couldn't imagine doing that; that had to be horrifying.

As he drove down back to Lima, no doubt to have to fill everybody down there in on what had happened between him and Blaine, he considered that he should – just before he left – pay Thad a visit in hospital. No matter Kurt's current feelings towards the Warblers, and his general anger at Sebastian, Thad was in a terrible place and he could obviously use support the support from every person that was available – he couldn't imagine that Sebastian was a particularly good person in this situation and Blaine seemed to be panicking a little _too_ much.

* * *

Kurt walked into McKinley High School with no real purpose other than to see how Finn was doing after the whole fiasco of Sectionals. It didn't take long to find his step-brother as he was sitting in the courtyard with his head in his hands. Kurt dropped down in front of him, disapproving look in place, and Finn jolted.

"Oh, hey Kurt," he said, blinking surprise. "How did the talk with Blaine go?" Kurt shook his head.

"Badly, what about the glee club?" Finn let out a groan.

"We lost the choir room, and all the Seniors don't want to stick it out – I presume Blaine's going to be the same."

"I don't think that's what's on his mind right now," muttered Kurt under his breath, thinking of Sebastian and Thad.

"Huh?" said Finn, blinking at him in confusion. Kurt rolled his eyes before saying;

"When we were talking Sebastian burst in and said that Thad was in hospital…" Finn continued to stare at him. Kurt rolled his eyes again. "Apparently he told his parents he was gay, and something else but I don't know what, and then he locked himself in his room and- and tried to _kill_ himself." Finn's eyes went very wide.

"_Jesus_!" he exclaimed, sitting upright and running a hand over his face. "Is he okay?" Kurt shrugged, shaking his head.

"I don't know, they didn't know, but…" he looked around. "You should have _seen_ Sebastian's face when he found out, though, he looked _terrified_." Finn looked at the grey sky, pulling a despondent face.

"Guess he really turned over a new leaf then," he said, and Kurt nodded, thinking about the horrible fact that he and Blaine seemed to be dating.

"Yeah…"

"What did Blaine say?" pressed Finn, eventually. Kurt shrugged.

"I don't…I don't really know, he just… It was mainly me ranting at him. He said that he didn't deserve me, but he wouldn't tell me what was going on. He said I knew all I needed to know, and that he'd done it because he cared about me, but…" Kurt trailed off, the familiar burning of tears in his eyes over the thought that Blaine might not care about him. "Honestly, I don't think he cares about me anymore." Finn stared at him before shaking his head.

"Come on, Kurt, that can't be true." Kurt shrugged, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes.

"That's just what it looked like." He saw Finn's face sink into a frown and knew that he disagreed with him.

"But, Kurt, Blaine's _always_ cared for you. I mean, he's, like, _always_ had your back, right? I mean, even if – and that's got to be a huge _if_ – he doesn't, like, love you or whatever, he'd still care about you. I mean, he was, like, your best friend too." Kurt nodded.

"I know, I know, but…" he shook his head. "Either way, I'd say it's probably time I just moved on. I mean, I've got another NYADA audition to focus on." Finn frowned at him.

"You do?" Kurt nodded.

"Yeah, I've reapplied, and hopefully I'll get in this time." Finn nodded, scratching his head.

"Yeah, me too, I'm still trying to understand how you didn't get it the first time, but…" he shrugged. "I hope I haven't ruined the Glee club…I mean, without Glee club Rachel wouldn't even be _in_ NYADA right now." He shook his head. "Everyone should get that chance, right?" Kurt nodded and patted his arm.

"I'm sure you'll figure something out." Finn nodded.

"Yeah, when are you going back to New York?" Kurt let out a sigh.

"I think tomorrow evening…I want to, you know, see how Thad is because, we're not close friends, but… as far as I can work out, _Sebastian_ is one of his best friends so I think he could probably use a sympathetic, understanding, ear that isn't panicking like Blaine." Finn nodded once more.

"Yeah, we should, like, give him a card or something…I don't know, just as support." Kurt raised an eyebrow, silently wondering what you write in a card for a person you don't know about that kind of thing, and then decided that it was probably better if Finn didn't write the message in the card because he wasn't exactly the best person with words.

"Yeah…" he said, looking around the empty school yard and shivering in the cold air. Glancing back at Finn, he saw that his face had become drawn into one of deep thought. Kurt supposed that he had been drawn back onto the difficult problem that was the New Directions. He was tempted to get up and simply leave Finn to his thoughts, but at the same time he had no real desire to be alone.

"What are you singing for your audition?" asked Finn, unexpectedly, and Kurt jumped slightly before shrugging.

"I'm not sure…" Finn nodded, ruffling up his brown hair with his right hand and pulling a face. Kurt had no idea what he was thinking, but he could tell that it wasn't pleasing him. Kurt knew that he ought to have come up with a definitive song choice – it was so soon – but his mind had been so full of Blaine that he'd almost forgotten to send in his application in the first place.

"Wish we could just burst into song like we used to you, you know?" said Finn, softly. "Like it didn't matter," he let out a huff of air as a sigh. Kurt tilted his head to side.

"Why can't you? The glee club might be over, yeah, but that doesn't mean we lose our right to sing." He shrugged. "The choir room was just somewhere that was safe, it didn't make the music, Finn, that was _us."_ He leant towards Finn with a smile on his face. "That's the best thing about your voice, Finn; no matter where you are or who you're with or what you're doing, you can always use it to express how you feel. It's not something that anyone can take away from you – your voice is yours, Finn, _always_." Finn stared at him with wide eyes that were beginning to spark with hope, and Kurt sat back with a sigh, taking a deep breath as he opened his mouth to sing;

_The broken clock is a comfort_

_It helps me sleep tonight_

_Maybe it can stop tomorrow_

_From stealing all my time…_

He sang at Finn with the smallest of smiles on his face, leaning forward so that his forearms rested on the table, fingers interlocked, as he tried to tell Finn that this was only over if they wallowed for too long and allowed their time to slip away. Finn's mouth was open slightly in dawning comprehension of what Kurt was singing in a soft voice, gently applying balm over their wounds.

_I am damaged at best_

_Like you've already figured out_

He gave a shrug because he was damaged, he was broken, and he was sure that everyone knew that. Blaine certainly knew it, and he wouldn't take it back – for whatever reason, he thought it was better to break Kurt than stay with him.

_I'm falling apart_

_I'm barley breathing_

_With a broken heart_

_That's still beating_

Finn joined in with low voice quiet and hesitant, like he wasn't sure whether he was allowed to join in Kurt's song, but Kurt gave him a smile that told him to sing up and sing out, and Finn's mouth open wider in a smile that had been missing for rather a long time.

_In the pain_

_There is healing_

_In your name_

_I find meaning…_

They rose to their feet slowly, looking at each other, bonded by their heartbreak and their pain, because they'd lost things that were so precious to them, and they were looking around and trying to adjust their lives to work out how they were meant to go on without it. They were like recovering addicts – attempting to keep living in the same way without what had gotten them through each day, and only just realising that they had to take a turning and start off along a new road.

_I still see your reflection_

_Inside of my eyes_

_That are looking for purpose_

_They're still looking for life_

_I'm falling apart_

_I'm barely breathing_

_With a broken heart_

_That's still beating_

_In the pain_

_(In the pain)…_

The two of them looked around at the tentative echo and saw Marley, standing a couple of tables away with a nervous look in her eyes. Finn beckoned her over to their side with a wide grin that she reciprocated, and Kurt smiled because – _see_ – the Glee club wasn't about trophies; it was about _music_.

_So I'm holding on_

_(I'm still holding)…_

Ryder, Jake, Wade and Kitty were all making their way over to them now, and Kurt was sure that Finn's grin could not get any wider because, just like Kurt had thought, their song was drawing in them all back together, and, maybe, it would take a little bit more than a song to get the Seniors back, but Finn had building blocks, something to hold onto, and that's what mattered.

_I'm barely holding on to you_

_I'm hanging on another day_

_Just to see what you will throw my way_

_And I'm hanging on to the words you say_

_You said that I will be okay_

And Kurt, what did he gain from it? He looked around at the surprised faces of the New Directions that had never heard him sing, and realised that this song was showing him everything that he had without Blaine. He had his voice, he had Finn, he had the New Directions to some degree, and he had the ability to be _okay_. He had that _possibility_. It wasn't a reality yet, but it was his U-turn.

_Broken lights on the freeway_

_Left me here alone_

_I may have lost my way now_

_I haven't forgotten… my way home_

Finn looked down at him with a grin, and Kurt reached up to hug him as they sang the last three words that more than summed up everything that this song was showing them. They were lost, broken down, struggling, but they had other things to hold onto. There was more to Kurt's life than Blaine. Blaine may have been a huge part of it, but it wasn't just that – it never should be just that.

_I'm falling apart_

_I'm barely breathing_

_With a broken heart_

_That's still beating_

_In the pain_

_(In the pain)…_

The other members of the New Directions – Artie, Tina, Brittany, Sam and Joe – who Kurt had seen appear over Finn's shoulder when he hugged him, had come over to join in, and Finn looped his arms over Sam and Tina's shoulders with a delighted smile.

_I'm holding on_

_(I'm still holding)_

_I'm barely holding on to you_

They came to the end of the song with smiles on their faces. The New Directions burst into applause for their two alumni, and Kurt looked back up at Finn whose face was alight with happiness at the sight of them all regrouped – well, minus Blaine – and who was thanking Kurt profusely for what he'd done. Kurt shook his head, waving it away, because he'd needed that song just as much as Finn had.

"Where's Blaine?" asked Sam, looking around the courtyard for the dark haired boy. Kurt took a deep breath as frowns fell onto the others' faces in annoyance that he hadn't re-joined them.

"He's visiting someone in hospital," said Kurt, carefully choosing his words so that there would be no panic or mistake that Blaine was in hospital. Confused frowns appeared on most people's faces.

"Is it one of the Warblers?" asked Artie, looking around to double check that they weren't missing anybody else. Kurt nodded.

"Yeah, Thad…he, um, tried to kill himself." There was a shocked pause around the group as eyes went wide with horror.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Tina. "Is he going to be alright?" Kurt shrugged, shaking his head.

"They didn't know, I think it was _bad_ though…" he trailed off whilst all of them looked distinctly rattled by the news. Kurt couldn't blame them because just yesterday the Warblers had been one scarily in-sync group of boys that were leaping, dancing and singing all over the stage to take first place. Now, one of them was in hospital after an attempted suicide, it was probably a huge shock for their brains to swing from hating them to being concerned.

"That's terrible," said Artie, face pulled into a serious frown. "Do you know why?" Kurt let out a long sigh, glad that none of them were asking how he knew this.

"He came out to his parents, I think, and then he ran off, locked himself in his room, and…" Kurt trailed off, shrugging, but noticed that everyone else still looked confused – except for Wade. He sighed. "He was scared of what his parents might say; too scared to face them and hear what they might think…"

There was a moment of sad, shocked, silence in which, Kurt was sure, the ones that were here last year remembered Karofsky. He could see that they were wondering whether that was better or worse, and trying to guess what that fear must feel like. It was something that Kurt could barely grasp at – to be _that_ scared – so he could not imagine that they could begin to comprehend it. There were some shaken heads and deeper frowns as they all failed to feel that fear.

"That's just…" murmured Marley, looking incredibly sad. "That's just _awful_." Kurt nodded because that didn't quite sum up the things that life could inflict upon them for being openly gay.

"Should we sing to him?" asked Jake, like he wasn't a hundred per cent sure that was what the Glee club did, but felt like offering it anyway. Kurt paused for thought and then shrugged because he had no idea how Thad would react to that.

"I have no idea," he said simply. "I would imagine that he might want to just be with his friends and people who understand at a time like this. I'm going to see him tomorrow, though, and I can…I can certainly tell him that you're all here for him – even though he has never met any of you." Finn gave him a smile and a nod.

"That sounds like a good idea," Kurt gave the assembled group a smile, glad that he'd been able to do something to help the New Directions whilst also pondering his song choice for NYADA – would it be better to sing something like that that he felt deeply or do a show piece? He contrasted Rachel's solo at Nationals with his own performance of _Not the Boy Next Door_ in his mind and could only draw the conclusion maybe Carmen preferred ballads to show tunes, which didn't really make sense, and Kurt was _not_ singing a love song after everything because it would sound awful.

"I think I better head off," he said, giving them all a smile. "I hope you find somewhere to rehearse." The New Directions that didn't know him simply smiled and nodded, and, after he'd hugged Tina, Artie, Brittany, Sam and Finn, again, he walked of McKinley with his head held high.

* * *

"Finn said that the New Directions were practising late," said Carole, sitting down at the table and shooting both Kurt and Burt a smile. Kurt smiled broadly at that, glad that they'd found somewhere to practise, and happily dug into his meal.

"So, Kurt, how did it go?" and Kurt rolled his eyes because, of course, his dad was not going to beat around the bush with this.

"Terribly," he said without looking up from his plate. "I'm pretty sure that he's going out with Sebastian, and he doesn't care about me, and his friend tried to commit suicide – that sums everything up." He said, inserting his fork into his mouth and catching two sets of faces set into frowns.

"He doesn't care about you?" repeated Burt in a questioning voice whilst Carole's eyes had gone wide.

"His friend tried to commit suicide?" Kurt nodded, looking at her in favour of his dad because he did not want this conversation.

"Yes, Thad, he's a Warbler. Apparently, he came out and told his parent some things, and then locked himself in his room because he was too scared to face them, and when David had broken down the door…" he trailed off, feeling himslef sudder in horror at that and, also, starting to feel a little bit sick at the thought of bursting through the door to find one of his friends almost dead. He shivered. "Sebastian and Blaine went to the hospital to see him. I was thinking of dropping by tomorrow before I head back to New York just to see how he is."

There was an intense silence at the table. Burt looked at his plate with an angry frown, like it was personally responsible for all the woes that society inflicted upon those that were different, whilst Carole sniffed and shook her head, clearly unable to comprehend the idea that a child would be too scared to face their own parents. Kurt bit his own lip and was forcibly reminded of just how lucky that he was to be sitting there with a dad and step-mum, who were both accepting and loving and whole-heartedly supported everything that he did.

"What did you say about Blaine not caring about you?" demanded Burt, after the silence that they'd been using to absorb the news of the attempted suicide had gotten too long. Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Apparently, he's doing this because I don't deserve him, he's doing because he _cares_, but he well knows that I do not need _him_ to look after me, and he knows very well that I do _not_ appreciate that so it's a lie. I don't know why he's lying, he won't tell me what he's hiding, but that doesn't matter. I got what I wanted."

"You did?" said Burt in obvious confusion. "How the hell did you get what you wanted? He's with someone else." Kurt closed his eyes and let out a long sigh because his dad was making him feel quite angry for no real reason other than he _would not_ stop pursuing this.

"I can move on," he said, curtly. "I can put this all behind me now and get on with my life. I need to send in my NYADA application tape, and I haven't even chosen my song because I've been so focused on Blaine. I need to get my priorities straight; Blaine isn't my priority if he doesn't care about me." Burt still looked disbelieving, and Carole wore a very intense frown.

"I don't buy that," said Burt, brusquely. "That kid's cared about you from day one. Hell, you trusted him from the start."

"Because I was an idiot!" exclaimed Kurt, throwing his hands in the air because couldn't he see that that it had all just been an infatuation with a good looking singer who had a gaze and voice that could make anybody with any sense melt? "Why do you even _care_ so much, dad?" he said, rounding on him. "Why aren't you angry that he broke my heart?" Burt sighed, staring Kurt down passively.

"I am, Kurt, I'm furious, but I know you better than that. You weren't stupid; you two were in love, everyone could see that. You didn't let Sebastian take him away from you the first time round, what's different now?" Kurt closed his eyes, clenching his teeth and forcing all his anger down inside him. Carole watched the exchange with cautious eyes, not interfering but ready to spring into action if needed.

"Because _he doesn't want me_, dad! I shouldn't have to _wait around_ _anymore_! I _don't have to_ sit and _wait_ for him to work out what he wants! I _shouldn't have to be_ the one that _always _gets their _heart broken_! I'm _done_, dad! He's broken my heart before; when he couldn't see it, when he crushed on Jeremiah, when he made out with Rachel, when he flirted with Sebastian, when he got angry over Chandler! I'm _done_, dad, _I'm done_! I'm _done_ taking the hits! Maybe I thought we were forever and in love, but forever _doesn't exist_, dad! You _of all people_ should know that! Look at you and Carole; you should both be married to other people if forever existed! Blaine isn't _everything_!"

With a final exasperated noise, Kurt pushed himself out of his chair and stormed up the stairs to his room, flopping down on his bed. He could feel anger and hurt washing through him. He let out an angry scream because just when he thought he'd gotten a lid on over it all his dad had caused it to come bursting back out.

He was done with Lima, though. He was never coming back here because in Lima he would _always_ be a Loser. Not in New York, though. In New York he worked for . In New York no one batted an eyelid about him being gay, and there were no weird looks at his flamboyant outfits. He didn't belong here. He was never coming back. He was so done with this.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Dear Readers, _**

**_Thank you for all your continued support of my story by reviewing, alerting and favourting; especially the 100+ followers! I'm sure that you'll be glad to know that my writing progress hasn't been slowed too much, and so I should be updating relatively frequently. _**

**_Enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"Did you really want to die?" "No one commits suicide because they want to die." "Then why do they do it?" "Because they want to stop the pain."_ ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, _How to Kill a Rock Star_

* * *

"Bastian," said Blaine, hesitantly, glancing at the driver of the car. Sebastian's jaw tightened.

"My name is _Sebastian_!" he spat out, and Blaine looked away, hastily, glancing at the pavement that was passing away too quickly for them to be going at the speed limit. One look over his shoulder told him that Sebastian was biting down on the inside of his bottom lip, nostrils flaring – _shit_, he was holding back _tears_. Blaine reassessed Sebastian's posture and saw that his pale hands were trembling on the steering wheel whenever his grip slackened slightly.

"Bastian…" he said, seeing that Sebastian's eyes were glazed over, vacant, and _not fixed on the road_! "Bastian, pull over!"

"Don't call me _Bastian_!" he yelled, and Blaine looked ahead at the red light. The car was coming up very fast towards the one in front of them.

"_Bastian_!" he yelled, snatching the wheel and causing them to swerve towards the curb. Sebastian jolted and pulled the car to a stop as the car behind them blared their horn at them. Sebastian took his shaking his hands from the wheel and put them over his face as Blaine leant back in his seat, heart beating fast as adrenaline rushed through him.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" he asked in a voice that quavered and trembled. Blaine had to admit that Sebastian's reaction was scaring him almost as badly as what had happened to Thad, but at least this he fully understood; Sebastian wasn't good with feelings, and he was definitely only beginning to come to terms with how much he cared for other people.

"I thought you'd had your whole I-care-about-other-people epiphany?" he joked, eventually, because how else could he do this? Sebastian let out a long breath, rubbing his hands over his face.

"I _have_, but I've never been like _this_…I mean, what the _fuck_? I'm shaking – _fucking trembling_ – with fear!" Blaine reached over to rub his shoulder.

"Not to mention getting over protective of Thad's pet name for you," Sebastian shot him a glare that had some intensity in it which was better.

"Shut up!" Blaine smiled even wider at that; it was a dark day indeed when Blaine wanted Sebastian to be sarcastic and bitchy. Sebastian threw off his arm, and Blaine knew that he was going to be able to get them there without crashing.

"I'm a shoulder to cry on," he said with a smile.

"Piss off," muttered Sebastian, starting the car and pulling away with the curb with a glare.

"But you're driving the car! How would I get there?"

"Walk," grunted Sebastian, jaw tensing. They drove on in silence, Blaine deliberately keeping his mind blank. "Fuck it all!" exclaimed Sebastian as they were caught in another red light, smashing his hands into the steering wheel. "Why didn't he call?" Blaine shook his head until he stopped because he thought he knew why. It was one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to tell them – he didn't want to be saved.

"He didn't want to be saved," he muttered under his breath, speaking out his thoughts. Sebastian jolted at the sound of his voice and glared at Blaine.

"What?" he demanded, glancing the road as the horn in the car behind went off. Blaine removed his head from the window and ruffled his hair up and cast him a sideways look. "_What did you say_?" Blaine swallowed.

"He didn't want to be saved. He _one hundred per cent_ wanted to die." For whatever reason that struck a chord with Sebastian because his hands clenched on the wheel, and he pressed on the accelerator. "Sebastian…" he said in a warning tone of voice. "Getting arrested for speeding isn't going to help us getting to Thad any quicker." Sebastian let out a frustrated growl and went to smash his head into the steering wheel except the turning for the hospital came up before them. Sebastian swore continually under his breath as he looked for a parking space.

Blaine took a deep breath, pushing down the nausea and glancing at Sebastian who was taking steadying breaths. Blaine really wanted to say something to alleviate the tense atmosphere, but what could he say? Sebastian would take any assurance that things would be okay and throw it back in his face. Sebastian would not admit that he was overly worried about Thad. Sebastian would laugh the whole thing off, make a joke about owing it to Thad after what he'd done, but he would never admit to being too worried about Thad.

"Let's go!" exclaimed Blaine the moment the car was parked. He could see that Sebastian's whole body was visibly shaking. Blaine knew that Sebastian didn't want to go into the hospital and face it all – neither did Blaine – but he also didn't want to just sit here whilst his friend potentially _died_. Blaine had to be _there_. He had to be around him for support and help. Sebastian shook his head slightly, like he was trying to clear water from his ears, and then blinked.

"Alright," he said, climbing out of the car. Blaine undid his seatbelt and scrambled out of his seat, chasing Sebastian towards the hospital. Sebastian paused for a second, letting him catch up before marching off again. Blaine knew that there was no point trying to get Sebastian to talk to him so he followed him as his longer legs carried him away from Blaine again.

"Bastian, wait up!" Sebastian turned to him with a frown on his face.

"Why are you constantly calling me that?" he demanded. "You only ever call me that when you're sobbing over what happened to you!" Blaine shrugged.

"I'm just doing it because-" he faltered; why was he doing it? He shrugged. "I call you it when I'm scared," he admitted finally. "It makes me feel like you're not a million miles away on the other side of a glass barrier. You're closer to me…I call you it when I'm afraid you'll drift away…You're one of my only anchors." Blaine stood there in the parking lot, completely unsure he should have just said that. He'd just bared his heart to _Sebastian_ who, at the best of times was not someone who understood those kind of things, in this moment was so full of concern for Thad that Blaine's fear was about as distant as the next galaxy. Sebastian would either ignore it, make fun of him or tell him he was an idiot. Sebastian stared at him with critical eyes before grabbing Blaine's hand.

"Your faith in me is so flawed I don't even know where to begin," he muttered as he began to tow Blaine towards the hospital doors, and Blaine felt himself smiling at that. Sebastian drove him up the wall – well, all of them, actually – ninety per cent of the time, but he somehow knew what to say that would bring a smile, however frustrated, onto Blaine's face.

Sebastian burst through the doors like a whirlwind, causing them to swing back and almost hit Blaine in the face. Darting into the main reception the two of them looked around in a panic; not sure where Thad would be now. Sebastian's eyes flew to the signs hung from the ceiling, and Blaine dipped his forehead into a frown.

"Do we go to A&E?" he asked Sebastian, and Sebastian stared around him with a frown that hid the panic that he was feeling quite well – Blaine could sort of see this weird manic glint in his eye which was enough to make him uneasy.

"I'm not-" his words were cut off, though, by Nick running towards them and shouting;

"_Sebaasssssssstian_!" at the top of his voice. The general public looked around in shock as the dark haired boy came pelting at the stunned looking duo, drawing up a second before he crashed straight into Blaine. He heaved in a breath, pink cheeks contrasting with the rest of his pale face and wide eyes, and began to babble. "Sebastian! Ohmygod! It'sThadandhetriedtokillhimself ! Ohmygod! Blaineyoushouldbeinschool! Ohmygod! He'snotgood!" Sebastian snatched him by the shoulders and proceeded to shake him roughly.

"Snap out of it!" he hissed. "Where's Thad?" Nick pointed back towards the corridor he'd come bursting from, taking in a huge gulp of air.

"Shit, Sebastian, it's friggin' _bad_!" Blaine closed his eyes, feeling himself sway on the spot, and then huffed out a breath as Sebastian's footsteps began to stomp away.

"Blainey!" exclaimed Nick, grabbing onto his arm in a painfully tight manner. "It's okay, it's okay, all of us are going to be fine – just like old times, except we have nutty old Sebastian with us too…so not like old times because…" If Blaine hadn't been feeling so queasy he would have told Nick that he needed to shut up, but, as it was, Blaine felt like he was seconds away from throwing up the breakfast that Thad had made – oh God, Thad had made him _breakfast_; how was this _happening_?

"Nick…" he said in a weak voice, fisting his hand into the soft material of his t-shirt. "is he going to be okay?" Nick looked at him hesitantly, eyes wide, and Blaine could see it there – the answer he didn't want – and shook his head, furiously. "No, Nick, he _has to_ be okay." Nick looked at him with eyes that had suddenly become bloodshot and full of tears.

"I don't want him to go either, Blaine, but…he…" They were interrupted by Sebastian, who had come storming back again and looked about ready to tear down the hospital in anger.

"Take me to _Thad_!" spat Sebastian through gritted teeth, and Nick stared at him in shock. Blaine blinked at his reaction as he wiped away tears, but then realised that no one else had seen how close Sebastian and Thad were. Nick glanced at Blaine, seemingly asking whether this was the real Sebastian, and Blaine managed a small smile and a nod.

"Okay…" he said in a hoarse voice. "follow me." He was shooting Sebastian looks that asked him whether he was mentally stable, but began to lead them down the corridor that was too loud and too busy, and Blaine latched his hand onto Sebastian's wrist by instinct – his anchor – and Sebastian did something unusual; he slipped Blaine's hand into his and squeezed it. Blaine was shocked at first, stumbling over his own feet as Sebastian dragged him along in Nick's wake, but he soon understood.

Sebastian could not come to pieces – he'd come close in the car, but he'd held it in – because, out of the five of them, he was meant to be the unflappable one. He was the one that took all the punches and was meant to pull them through. He was meant to be able to weather any storm – Thad and Blaine both held that belief strongly – and right now he couldn't. Sebastian just _couldn't_ hold it together anymore after all that had happened. Sebastian had come too far from the boy that Blaine had met over a year ago to carry on like he didn't care about them; _Thad_ – he still didn't care about ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine-recurring per cent of the human race – but their expectations, their beliefs about him, weren't shifting. Sebastian had to hold it together otherwise he'd fail them all, and Blaine got the impression that failure wasn't something that Sebastian dealt with in an effective manner.

He wanted to say something, but he was too choked and too scared to mention any of it. Blaine had _no idea_ how aware Sebastian was of any of this anyway. Blaine didn't know if Sebastian himself still thought that he should be the same. In fact, he probably _did_ think that; he wouldn't make allowances for himself because he _cared_ about people when he saw caring as a disadvantage and a weakness.

It made Blaine's head hurt, but, as he followed Nick and Sebastian down corridors that all looked the same and to a group of beds masked by curtains where several other Dalton boys stood, he knew that he couldn't worry about that now. In front of people like Nick, Jeff and Trent, Sebastian would not break or falter for the sake of his _stupid_ pride.

David stood in the middle of the little huddle, looking stunned and nervous, and Blaine wanted to be sick when he saw that his white school shirt was stained red with blood. Sebastian let go of Blaine's hand abruptly, and Blaine was floating, drifting, and panic welled up inside of him like the water was rushing into his mouth, and he was suddenly drowning in fear and horror and failure and every other – _fucking_ – _thing_ that he felt.

Suddenly he couldn't hold it back anymore, and he retched. Dry-heaving and choking and coughing, he stumbled towards a wall, colliding painfully with it as the tears began to fall down his face again. He couldn't get a handle on his body – everything was shaking, and when he wanted to move his arm to find something to hold onto it only gave a feeble lurch – and he couldn't stop gagging, even though nothing was coming up. He slid down the wall into a crouched position and felt David's hands fall onto his back.

"Hey, hey, take it easy there, Blaine," Blaine gulped in a breath of air, fighting the urge to vomit and tried to find some form of purchase on his best friend. David wrapped his arms tightly around his shoulders, letting Blaine press his face into his shoulder and break down completely. His chest felt impossibly tight, and the fear was going to choke him. He didn't know what to do because – _of course_ – he was the one that understood what Thad was going through best, but the tables had just been turned on him; it was Thad had been giving the advice, supporting _Blaine_, not the other way round!

Blaine sniffed once the thought had crossed his mind and let go of David to wipe his eyes because that was nothing short of selfish and stupid. Thad had helped Blaine in a way that Blaine could not describe – his very _presence_ just reassured Blaine that he would not have to go through this alone – and the least Blaine could do was help him in return. He sniffed again, trying to get a hold of himself, and accepted David's hand that pulled him to his feet.

The six Warblers – well, five Warblers and Blaine – stood in silence for a moment until David turned to Sebastian, who was standing very stiffly like a soldier on parade, and reached into his pocket. He took several steps towards him and proffered him a white envelope with his name written on it.

"Here," he said, gesturing with it in front of Sebastian who was staring at it like it was a bomb and might explode in their faces any second.

"What is that?" he asked, voice constricted, and Blaine could see Jeff and Trent sharing shocked looks at how affected Sebastian was by the whole situation.

"You know what it is," said David, angrily waving it around in Sebastian's face. "Thad left it for _you_; take it."

"What does it say?" he asked, not making any move to take the envelope from David. David looked at him incredulously.

"Thad is one of my best friends, Sebastian, and he left this for _you_. He went to great lengths to try and-" he broke off, choking, before he composed himself again. "I would never read this because he wanted _you_ to." Sebastian took a deep breath, still eyeing the envelope with an air of suspicion, before taking it from him.

Blaine was unsurprised to see that Sebastian's hands were trembling violently as he took hold of the envelope, looking down at it as he took deep, calming, breaths. He stared at it for the longest time, gazing at his name which had been neatly inscribed on the front, and then shook his head, putting it in his pocket. Everyone stared at him with wide eyes and frowns.

"Sebastian, those were his last _words_," said Jeff in a voice of quiet anger. "and you're not going to _read_ it?" Sebastian looked at Jeff with cold eyes.

"I don't have to," he replied, shortly. "because he can tell me himself." David sighed, closing his eyes and looking around in anguish.

"I don't think he will," he said in a soft voice that was filled with tears, and Blaine felt some of his own spill over his lids at that because David was no pessimist so if genuinely believed Thad wouldn't come back…

"He'll live," said Sebastian, confidently, staring down at David with ice in eyes, daring him to disagree. David shook his head.

"Sebastian, you have _always_ been realistic – sometimes that drove me crazy, but now I think you _need_ it. I know that you care a lot about him, Sebastian, but…" he broke off, shrugging. "You have no idea of the lengths that he went to try and make sure that he _didn't_ come back."

"What is that meant to mean?" demanded Sebastian as Blaine lent his head against the wall, clenching his jaw as Trent put his head in his hands, and Jeff worked his arms around Nick's waist so that his boyfriend could rest his head on his shoulder.

"That he- he _cut his wrists_ and _overdosed_ and went to _hang himself_, and I was _right there_ the _whole time_!" Tears were pouring down his face. "I was on the _other side of the door_ whilst he _did that_, Bastian, you have _no idea_!" Sebastian grabbed David by the shoulders, face still composed but his eyes were wild as Blaine put his hands over his face as he cried.

He could not believe that Thad would do all those things. It made him want to be sick because Thad had tried to kill himself _three times over_! Not only did he not want to be saved, but Blaine found it really, _really_, hard to believe that that was a spur of the moment thing. Thad had at least been _prepared_ for it. Thad had made his contingency plans; he had devised it _all_. That just made it all so much worse for reasons that Blaine couldn't quite understand. He had had _no idea_ that Thad had been suffering because of all this for so long – he had seen that he was _hurt_, but he would never have guessed that it was _that bad_.

He felt stupid and selfish because he'd assured himself that Thad was okay because he had Sebastian looking after him, that he would never do anything stupid again, but Thad didn't have what Blaine had. Blaine had his love for Kurt and his desire to do right by Kurt anchoring him to this life – along with David, Sebastian, Thad and Wes – but Thad didn't have that. Blaine would have naturally assumed that Sebastian or David was grounding him here, but he obviously thought they could all go on without him. Blaine had never _asked_ because Thad was his beacon of hope, and if Thad wasn't okay than that it like Blaine could never be okay, and Blaine couldn't handle that.

Sebastian and David were still arguing back and forth, but Blaine wasn't listening to them. He could hear them yelling about something in the summer and what could have swung it from Thad wanting to live to making him want to die, but he found that he could not be bothered to listen to them. He made his way, with legs that were heavy, over to Jeff, Nick and Trent. Jeff took one look at him, sniffed, and opened up his arms to allow Blaine to huddle against his taller frame. Trent stepped in close, putting a hand on Blaine's shoulder and the other on Jeff's and the four of them stood there whilst David and Sebastian did what they did best.

"Stop it," said Jeff, suddenly, as Sebastian and David continued to pour all their frustrations, fear and failure into tearing each other apart. "Stop _fighting_, it isn't helping anyone." Sebastian glared at Jeff, clearly asking him why he thought he had the authority to butt in, but Jeff stared him down with heavy eyes. "We've known him far longer than you have, Sebastian, we're just as scared as you are, but stop fighting each other, alright?"

Blaine could see that Sebastian wanted to point out that they didn't know Thad half as well as Sebastian did, but he caught himself in time because spilling Thad's secret right now was not going to do any good. Jeff squeezed both him and Nick tightly, and he saw David stand down, exhaling heavily and looking around sadly.

"Why can't we see him?" Blaine asked, eventually, when the silence had hung over for them for a long time, and David and Sebastian made no move to start tearing into each other again. David sighed and scrubbed a hand over his eyes.

"His parents are with him right now…He's really pretty unstable because they didn't know that he'd overdosed on paracetamol until I came to the hospital – I saw the packet in the bin – and so they pumped his stomach late… I don't really know, but he lost a lot of blood, and I think they're worried he might fall into a coma."

Blaine clenched his jaw at the news, after letting out a long breath, because that did not do anything to make him feel better. He saw Sebastian raise a hand to his eyes and rub furiously at them whilst Jeff dropped his forehead against the top of Nick's head, trying to keep calm, and Trent squeezed Blaine's shoulder even tighter.

"Have his parents said anything?" asked Nick from where his face was pressed into Jeff's shoulder. David shook his head.

"No, I think they're in a state of shock, and I can't exactly blame them…I mean, yesterday he was winning Sectionals and hanging out with us and today he was…committing suicide…I don't think he being gay is at the top of their priorities list."

"So, they've not said anything?" clarified Jeff, looking up with a small flicker of hope in his eyes. David shrugged and then shook his head.

"No, but…they're sitting by his bedside, and his mum started crying hysterically after I got the door down and they saw… so I don't think that they're…you know…_angry_ at him being gay. They're more scared that he's somewhere between life and death…Frankly, I don't think that they care right now." Sebastian nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking around the hospital with narrowed eyes.

"Did you call Wes?" he asked, and David rolled his eyes.

"Yes, the moment I got here…He's booking himself onto the next flight down. He should arrive sometime this afternoon or maybe tomorrow morning." Blaine bit down on his bottom lip, fighting tears for no reason other than the fact that he was glad that Thad's parents were still there with him, and that it really seemed possible that his friend might slip away right in front of them.

* * *

"Boys," Thad's dad was walking towards them. The boys, who had been sitting in the emergency waiting room with only their iPods to break the silence, looked up at the man before them who wore a rumpled suit and whose hair had become a wild mess. "I think you better head back to Dalton." Blaine glanced at Sebastian who had pulled his sleeve up to see his watch and looked at the time, blinking in shock.

"It's five thirty," he muttered, and Blaine couldn't quite believe that they'd been in a waiting room for the entire day – except for when David had dragged them all down to get food from the cafeteria – and had not actually seen their friend. "Can we please see him?" asked Sebastian, breaking through Blaine's thoughts, in very polite tone of voice, perfect mask of concern on. Mr Harwood looked between the dishevelled boys before nodding.

"Alright, just because you sat here all day…" David, who still wore a shirt with blood on it, managed a small smile at the prospect of seeing him whilst Blaine got to his feet with a feeling of great trepidation. Jeff took Nick's hand, the two of them squeezing very tightly, and Trent let out a puff of air as Sebastian moved in an agitated fashion from foot to foot.

"Is he getting better?" he asked, briskly, and Mr Harwood shrugged.

"I have no idea," he said, leading them back towards the bed that they'd gathered outside originally. "The doctors say that if he pulls through the night then he should stand a get chance, but it sounds like a big if." He pulled the curtain aside and allowed the six boys to step in.

Blaine felt his breath catch in his throat as he stared down at Thad. He was lying in the bed, blankets pulled up to his midriff, hooked up to a myriad of machines. There was one that monitored his heart rate, another that seemed to be supplying him oxygen through a cannula in his nose, and two bags hung from an IV stand with wires that ran up his arm and into his arm. Both wrists were bandaged, and there were contusions from the rope on his neck. He looked tiny surrounded by all the medical equipment, and, without the beep of the heart monitor, Blaine may have assumed – from the paleness of his face and the stillness of his form – that he was _dead_.

He pressed a hand to his face as he processed the thought, sniffing deeply and trying to hold back tears. Nick had hidden his face in Jeff's shoulder, and Jeff had circled his arms around his shoulders and placed his face in his hair so that they did not have to look at their friend. Trent had a completely blank on his face, like he couldn't quite believe that it was Thad in the bed, whilst David was taking steadying breaths. Sebastian took a couple of deep breaths, stared at Thad with wide eyes, and then turned on his heel and walked out of the room, completely unable to face up to the reality of the situation.

Thad's right hand was being held between his mother's and, as Blaine watched Mr Harwood step forward to rest his hands on her shoulders, he knew that, when he woke up, they would whole-heartedly accept his sexuality because they couldn't bear to lose him. He sniffed, raising a hand to his nose as a couple of tears fell down his face. David reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing and reminding Blaine that he was there for him.

"We're staying overnight, and if…" Mr Harwood broke off, swallowing. "If anything were to happen I'll be in touch," he pulled out his son's phone and held it up with a small smile. "I'll call you, David." David gave him a weak smile.

"Thank you," he breathed and then looked at the others. "Let's go." Blaine nodded because he couldn't keep staring at Thad for much longer without breaking down into a complete mess, and he allowed David to lead him from the room.

Sebastian was leaning against the wall outside, the envelope in his hands. His breathing was shallow, and his face was incredibly pale. One look at the back of the envelope told Blaine that Sebastian had read it. They all stared at him as he tucked it away and hesitantly looked up at them with bloodshot eyes. Sebastian sniffed, looking away, but Blaine could tell that he'd been crying. Any curiosity over what Thad had left Sebastian died at that moment because he didn't want to know what could reduce Sebastian to tears; that was too frightening.

* * *

They arrived at Dalton and all piled into David's room. The whole school was moving around in a state of shock; silence where there was normally a deafening cacophony, and Blaine knew that none of them could comprehend what had happened. No one said anything to them – the Warblers came to join them for half an hour or so, even Hunter came to sit with them baring a look of saddened shock, but they remained in silence – and it was when Wes arrived that they decided that they couldn't quite face the night alone and silently agreed to pile all their blankets into David's room.

Blaine felt strangely nostalgic and scared as they sat there, watching _Peter Pan_, because this was his old room where he'd sat when he'd first come with Wes, David, Nick, Jeff and Thad, watching old Disney films and _Harry Potter_ and laughing. Now they were in silence and there was no Thad, but Trent and Sebastian instead. However, Sebastian had withdrawn himself to a corner of the room and sat there with the envelope in his hands, staring at the TV with glazed over eyes.

It scared Blaine because everything came and went, and if they did lose Thad then this was what they had to look forward to; a deadened silence and the feeling of being incomplete. It also made Blaine think about Dalton. It was still his sanctuary, and he still felt safe there. He wasn't sure that he could back to McKinley on Monday, after everything that happened, and carry on. He was unhappy there, really he had been since Kurt had left, but at Dalton – even if he wasn't happy – he felt something that was indescribable… He wasn't content, but he was alright. He felt could manage here, day in day out, but he couldn't do that at McKinley.

He looked around the room at Nick and Jeff who were lying side by side, whispering to each other and wrapped in their lover's embrace. Trent was sitting near them, both their pairs of feet in his lap as he stared at the screen with a little too much focus. Sebastian had fallen asleep against the wall, hands clamped around the note, and his breathing had even out – he finally looked at peace.

Blaine was sat between Wes and David, who had been talking over his head, and, as he felt his eyelids grow heavy with tiredness of two late nights and all his fears and worries, he felt like he could get through it all if he could just fall asleep in two warm arms that were there to look after him every night.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Dear readers,**_

_**Thank you all for your support and interest in this story; it's great to hear other people's views and thoughts, as well as knowing that there are people reading. I think, if I can, I might try and update each weekend, but that's subject to change... Either way, enjoy!**_

_**Sopphires. **_

* * *

"_I don't feel strong anymore I feel like falling to my knees. Things aren't the way they were before, They're not the way they're supposed to be."_ ― Atarah L. Poling, _Hidden Light_

* * *

The next morning, Kurt's plan of getting up late back-fired on him the moment he realised that it was a Saturday so everyone was still in the house anyway. He groaned loudly, guessing that everyone was probably waiting for him downstairs. Not looking forward to facing his dad, Kurt got out of bed and pulled his dressing gown on. Deciding that if he and his dad were going to have another row, he might as well get showered and be properly dressed, if only so that he could make derogatory comments about his dad's dress sense should the need arise.

A good half an hour later, at around quarter past eleven, Kurt made his way downstairs towards the kitchen. The sounds coming from the TV that Finn or his dad had it on a sports channel, and he mentally crossed his fingers that it was his dad, and that was enthralled by people running around and throwing themselves and balls at other people in an attempt to gain points – sport was incredibly pointless, Kurt would never understand it – as he stepped into the kitchen.

"Kurt," Kurt swore inside his head as his dad looked up from where he was making coffee and nodded at him as he stood in the doorway. With no other choice but to come in and get himself food, Kurt walked cautiously into the kitchen, reaching for a banana.

"Dad," he replied, noting there was enough coffee for him too and opening a cupboard to get out his mug.

"We need to talk, Kurt," he said, and Kurt closed his eyes, shaking his head because he _did not_ want to talk about anything right now.

"We don't actually," he said as poured the coffee into his cup and peeled the skin off the banana. Burt fixed a disapproving look upon him.

"Okay, we don't _need_ to talk, but I want to talk to you." Kurt let out a long sigh, understanding that his dad was not giving up on this easily.

"Alright, dad, what do you want to talk about?" Burt gave his son a look that said "you-know-_exactly_-what-I-want-to-talk-about", but Kurt didn't want to have this conversation so he wasn't about to make it easy for his dad.

"What you said last night, Kurt," he said, fixing a very intent stare onto Kurt. Kurt sighed, taking a sip of the hot liquid to have an excuse to look away.

"I'm sorry if I upset you about mum," he headed off, quickly, seeking an opportunity to cut the conversation short. Burt shook his head.

"No, it's not that, Kurt, it's just…I've never seen you give up on a fight like this. You don't give up on things that you really want, you know." Kurt sighed, putting down his mug and the banana and trying to think of the easiest way to explaining it to his dad.

"It's not that I _want_ to give up on Blaine, dad, it's just…It's the rational thing to do. I'm trying to be logical, dad, and…I can't juggle so many things. One of the pitfalls of our relationship was how busy I was, and even if I forgave him and he still wanted me, that wouldn't change. I've got work, I'm trying to get into NYADA. That's not going to change; Blaine will feel lonely again, and this whole thing will just repeat, dad." Burt gave his son a critical frown.

"If you're sure…?" he said, like he himself didn't like Kurt's reasoning but didn't want to say it. Kurt sighed, but nodded.

"I am, dad…maybe in a year if he comes up to NYADA things will be different. If we're both single and, whatever, maybe we can try again, but…" he trailed off, sighing. "That's a long time, dad, and I have to focus on now. My whole future is unfolding before my eyes; if I don't get into NYADA this time round I don't think that I'll be able to try again – I'm pretty sure that there's only so many times I can handle rejection from them without it affecting my performance – and I'm still working for ." His dad was continuing to frown at him, but Kurt, personally, thought that he'd made a very good argument for not getting back with Blaine and that it had been far more coherent than last night.

"I don't know, Kurt, feels like you're trying to grow up too fast." Kurt frowned back at his dad, shrugging slightly.

"Not really, dad, I'm living on my own in New York – well, with _Rachel_, but the point stands. I reckon I've got to be grown up." Burt cast him a long that made Kurt sure he was about to get some form of nostalgic talk about Kurt when he was younger, but his dad just shook his head.

"Well, if you say so, kid, but, just so you know, I don't think you should bother being rational about all this; heart isn't rational." Kurt shrugged.

"I'm just tired of it dad. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of not knowing…I just want it to be over, so I'm letting him go just like he's let go of me. In the end that's what he wants so he can't complain…I don't like it right now, but maybe he's right; I deserve – after everything that I went through in high school – someone who loves me as much as I love them." Burt shook his head, letting out a sigh and looking at the floor.

"You're not wrong there," he muttered, but Kurt could still tell that he was unsure about everything. However, he thought that he might have won him around. He sighed and picked up the banana, eating it whilst his dad seemed to work out what he wanted to say. "Look, Kurt, I don't think you should give up this easily, but, at the end of the day, you're my son, and I'll always support your decisions and the choices you make in your life. I'm always gonna be in your corner, Kurt." Kurt smiled at his dad, nodding.

"I know, dad, I know."

"Good," said Burt, swallowing slightly and glancing around. "You gonna visit that kid then?" he asked, moving the conversation onto a new topic, and Kurt swallowed and nodded.

"Yeah, I've got an evening flight back to New York so I'm going to go and see Thad now."

"Any idea how he is?" Kurt shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh and hoping that he didn't have to speak to Blaine or Sebastian when he was there – he wasn't sure that he would ever be able to forget Sebastian's reaction to the news.

"No, but…_bad_…" he let out a long sigh at the thought. He really had no idea how he was, but he also didn't think that he couldn't really handle the possibility that he might not have made it – what was the _point_ of hospitals or doctors if they didn't save people when they needed it? He smiled at his dad. "I'll just finish this and be off." He saw his dad nod, search for something to say and then clap him on the shoulder as he moved out of the room. Kurt sucked in a huge breath through his nose, glad that he had won that battle, and picked up his coffee before it went cold.

* * *

Kurt pulled up outside the hospital in Westerville – he presumed Thad was here – and let out a long sigh, turning off the engine. Despite the two hour drive, Kurt had not worked out what he wanted to say to the Warbler when he got there. It was different to Karofsky, who had been desperately trying to talk to him and had been cruelly outed, but he didn't doubt that Thad was still suffering as badly.

What did he say to him, though? Would there even be any need to visit when he'd undoubtedly be surrounded by Warblers who all knew him better? Or maybe he was just thinking that because he did not want to run into Blaine so soon after their fight. He had nothing left to say to Blaine after his tirade, and Blaine's point blank refusal to admit that there was more to the situation. He supposed he could tell Blaine that he was letting go; giving in and doing what Blaine wanted because he was tired, but he couldn't get the way Blaine had broken down out of his head.

He shook his head a little bit at that, seeing if he could dispel the memory, and was not surprised to see that it was stuck there. He strode through the doors and looked around with a frown on his face because hospitals were far from his list of favourite places to be, and he always anticipated for them to be quieter than they were. Before, he could ask anyone where Thad might be, or get lost, he heard his name being shouted through the crowd. Looking around, he was mildly displeased to see Wes walking towards him.

"Kurt," he said, when he was by his side. "what are you doing here?" Kurt gave him a cold glare, and then it occurred to him that Blaine might not have mentioned him being there when he got the news.

"I was there when Sebastian and Blaine found out; I came to see how he is." Wes nodded, apparently not noticing the frostiness of his tone.

"Oh, right…yeah, Blaine didn't mention, but he's really shaken up, and the odds weren't in our favour yesterday so that's not a surprise." Kurt stared at him with wide eyes, heart beating faster.

"…_the odds weren't in our favour yesterday…"…_

"He is still alive, right?" he asked in fear, and Wes swallowed and nodded hastily. Kurt puffed out his breath in relief, raising a hand to run through his hair because that had been a terrifying moment.

"Yes, sorry, he made it through the night which was the important thing, and he's getting stronger…Any luck he'll be waking up soon." Kurt nodded, wondering whether he ought to come back when Thad had woken up, but he didn't have that much time. "You want to see him, right?" asked Wes, for clarification, and Kurt nodded.

"Yes," Wes nodded, giving him a small smile and beckoning him towards the lift.

"Okay, they moved him out of critical care this morning into his own room on the general ward so…" Wes shrugged, but Kurt understood. Thad had pulled through, but he wasn't out of the woods yet. Wes pushed the button for the right floor, and they waited, in the large lift space that only had one other doctor and an old lady, for the lift to move.

"How did his parents take it?" he asked when they'd set off. Wes let out a long sigh, leaning against the wall.

"From what I can tell, pretty damn well considering," Kurt nodded, remembering the comfort that Karofsky had got from his dad being by his side, even if that meant throwing his mother out. "I mean, his mum is still in shock, but she's just really, _really_, scared that she's going to lose her only child." Kurt nodded, blinking away a couple of tears that had sprung up for no reason.

"And his dad?" Wes nodded, breaking out into a smile as they reached the right floor.

"He broke down into tears when we explained that Thad being too afraid of their reaction was one of the factors that caused it so we think it's pretty safe to say that he's okay with it. I honestly think that, if they had any doubts, nearly losing their son has caused them seriously prioritise and think about what matters." Kurt nodded in understanding as he walked along side Wes. "They're downstairs talking to Nick and Jeff about…_things_, and they're both exhausted – I don't think they slept at all last night." Kurt nodded some more.

"That must be a relief," he commented as they passed other rooms with their doors shut and curtains closed. Wes shot him a wry smile.

"You have no idea; I know Thad wouldn't have been able to handle it if they'd turned him down so I had my fingers crossed on the flight down…when I wasn't panicking about David, Sebastian and Blaine's reactions, that is." Kurt opened his mouth to ask about Sebastian's reaction when Wes came to an abrupt stop. He turned to Kurt with a very serious look on his face. "I have to warn you…it's not a pleasant sight." Kurt nodded, swallowing and remembering his dad when he'd lain prone in his hospital bed – he could handle this.

"I know…" he said, and Wes gave him a tight lipped smile before pushing open the door.

"Sorry guys, forgot the coffee, but I got another visitor instead." Kurt stepped into the room after Wes and felt his heart drop and stomach lurch as well as the beginnings of nausea at the sight before him.

Lying in the hospital bed, completely unconscious, was Thad. His face was unnaturally pale, and his brown hair was incredibly messy. There were some wires taped to his arms as well as a clip over his left index finger. His chest rose and fell very slightly, but Kurt could see that an oxygen mask hung nearby. He looked incredibly small and fragile swathed in the bed clothes and a loose hospital gown, and Kurt could see the bandages around wrists from where he must have slashed them open as well as the faintest of bruising around his neck; oh good grief.

David stood slumped against the wall off the room, looking completely exhausted and defeated. He had a hand over his face, though he had looked up at the sound of Wes, and was now staring at Kurt with tired eyes. Trent stood by the end of Thad's bed, arms folded, and biting down hard on the inside of his lip. He gave a small smile in acknowledgement before training his eyes back onto the boy in the bed.

The sight that added to Kurt's feeling of sickness, though, was that of Blaine and Sebastian. They sat side by side – Sebastian's chair directly beside Thad's bed whilst Blaine's was on a funny angle – but, whilst Sebastian had his forearm resting on the bed, almost brushing against Thad's, and he stared at Thad intently, Blaine's head lay on Sebastian's shoulder. It took Kurt half a second to realise that Blaine was fast asleep against the taller boy who shifted ever so slightly and blinked at Kurt and then looked back at Thad.

No one said anything as Wes closed the door and went to stand by David, putting an arm around his shoulder. Kurt peeled his eyes from Sebastian and Blaine, directing his gaze back onto Thad's very still form. Kurt could _see_ that he was breathing, but somehow he looked more like a corpse than anything else, and Kurt could feel the sting of tears at the bandages and bruises because he'd – oh _God_ – he'd not just tried once but _twice_.

He sniffed, heavily, and looked at the floor because there was nothing there that could offend him. There was a silence before footsteps approached Kurt, and a hand rested on his shoulder. Hesitantly raising his head, he saw that Trent had moved over to his side. He didn't make any attempt to speak, and for that Kurt was glad because words failed him in his sadness. He had never seen anything quite as pathetic looking as Thad. He'd known it had been bad when Sebastian had been panicking, but he could not imagine what David must have seen when he had found him; hanging from the ceiling with blood running down his hands.

He fought the urge to be sick at that image, blinking some more, and tried to find something that he could think about that wasn't vomit inducing or wildly inappropriate considering their circumstances. Kurt now wished he hadn't come, or that Thad had been awake because he doubted he could believe that Thad would be alright until he saw him open his eyes and smile.

"Sebastian," said Wes, eventually breaking the silence that was too suffocating and too much for any of them to bear. "what did Blaine's parents say?" Sebastian made to shrug, but then stopped himself, rolling his eyes at Blaine's head. Everyone waited in silence, Kurt interested in what Blaine was doing despite himself, as Sebastian rubbed a hand over his eyes and looked up at Wes, seemingly focusing in.

"I don't know. He said that they'd call him back then he slumped down and went to sleep," he shrugged, causing Blaine's head to loll slightly. They all stared at him as Blaine raised a hand feebly and muttered;

"Bastian…you're stupid…" and then continued to sleep peacefully. Kurt stared at Blaine with a mixture of amusement, jealousy, annoyance and disbelief. Sebastian rolled his eyes and rested his arm back onto the bed, shaking his head gently. Trent was smiling slightly as Wes let out a puff of laughter, and a faint grin cracked across David's face.

"Ah Blaine," muttered David, reaching forward to ruffle the sleeping boy's hair. "you do me proud." There was a slightly less tense silence as Trent yawned, and David rubbed his eyes, and Kurt guessed that they, too, had not sleep much last night.

"Are you guys up for it?" asked Wes, looking between Sebastian and David. "If Blaine does move back?" Kurt felt his posture stiffen; Blaine move _back_? To _Dalton_? He closed his eyes and let out a long breath; what did he expect? Blaine had transferred to McKinley for Kurt; why wouldn't he move back to Dalton for Sebastian? Also, Blaine was clearly very close to Thad, he might feel it was best for his friend. Sebastian shot Wes a mildly disparaging look whilst David nodded.

"Don't worry about it," said David, yawning again. "I think Blaine'll help Thad." Wes made a "_hmm_" noise that did not agree or disagree with the statement and said nothing more. Whilst Kurt was searching around for a good way to question what Blaine's motives were for moving back, Thad shifted slightly. Everyone's eyes snapped to him, zoning in, as he rolled his head towards Sebastian, who prodded Blaine. Blaine let out a mumble.

"Bastian…what…?" he rubbed a hand over his eyes, looking blearily around the room, squinted at Kurt as he continued to rub his eyes and then jumped. "_Kurt_!" he exclaimed, sitting bolt upright, eyes wide in shock. "When did you get here?" Kurt shrugged, trying to find a suitable tone of voice that he could talk to Blaine in.

"Not long ago, I just wanted to check up on how Thad was." Blaine nodded, looking around with a frown and then zeroing on Thad as he continued to shift around under the covers.

"I'll get his parents," said Trent, making for the door, but the others ignored him as he ran out. Kurt looked around and saw that the four of them looked somewhere between hesitant, overjoyed and nervous. Sebastian gently prodded Thad's arm, an action that, had the situation not been what it was, would have made Kurt rol his eyes.

"Thad," he said, cautiously. "Thad, can you hear me?" Thad's body shifted in response, and he rolled towards Sebastian's voice, eyelids flittering. Sebastian frowned down at him and then looked around at the others for support.

"Take his hand," suggested Wes. "Ask him to squeeze it if he can hear you." Sebastian stared at Wes for a second, arching his eyebrow before rolling his eyes and turning back to his friend. Very gingerly, Kurt noticed, and like he was made of glass, Sebastian took Thad's hand. Kurt watched in fascination as Sebastian, looking around again, said;

"Thad, if you can hear me…squeeze my hand…" like he was sure that Wes was an idiot for suggesting it. Kurt watched, holding his breath with the others and remembering all the fear and expectancy he'd felt when he'd done that with his dad, as there was a moment of nothing before Thad's fingers curled around Sebastian's. Sebastian seemed to squeeze back on some instinct as the rest of them breathed out in relief, Blaine putting his head in his hands whilst David slumped against Wes with a giddy grin on his face.

"Bastian…" groaned Thad, and Sebastian almost shot to his feet, but Blaine caught the back of his blazer – Kurt had suddenly realised that all the Dalton boys were _still_ in their uniforms – and made him sit down.

"Yeah?" said Sebastian, leaning over the bed, closer to Thad. Looking around, Kurt could see that Wes, David and Blaine were quite happy to sit back and let Sebastian handle Thad, which Kurt found a little bit odd because Sebastian was not exactly a sensitive person – then again, he seemed to handle Thad with an extreme amount of care, but that just might because he'd obviously broken like glass before them, and Sebastian was trying to pick up the pieces without getting cut or damaging Thad's chances of being put back together.

"Throat hurts…" he grumbled, and a genuine smile shot across Sebastian's face. For a split second, Kurt looked straight at a different person; his eyes had lit up with delighted amusement and his expression had been a hybrid of happiness, relief and laughter. Then the smile vanished, and Sebastian looked guarded.

"Yeah…I'm not surprised." Thad's eyes fluttered open, and he squinted, hand detaching itself from Sebastian's and catching onto his lapel.

"Bastian…" he slurred, a frown crossing his face. "Bastian…" he was taking deep breaths, and Kurt wondered whether that was an early onset sign of a panic attack, though Sebastian and the others did not react at all. "Did- did you read it?" Sebastian stared at Thad very carefully.

"Read what?" he asked, in a very even tone of voice.

"The _note_…" hissed Thad in a voice that was hoarse and blurred together with fatigue but that was still _very_ desperate. Kurt saw Sebastian's whole posture stiffen. His eyes went wide in alarm, but Thad, with his eyes not fully open, could not tell. Kurt looked at the others as they all went tense too; Blaine's face adopting a worried look whilst Wes and David shared heavy frowns. "_Bastian_…" Thad's voice rose a little bit in volume after the silence got too long.

"…No…" Thad's hand slacked and fell from its place on Sebastian's blazer. He closed his eyes. Sebastian breathed out, looking up at the ceiling. Blaine frowned, eyes darting from side to side in confusion. David opened his mouth whilst Wes' expression fell into one of intense thought.

"…good…" breathed Thad, a small smile on his face. "What did you do with it?"

"I threw it in the bin," and Kurt knew, from the confused and worried looks on everyone's faces, that Sebastian was lying about reading the note – he guessed that they were talking about Thad's suicide note – and what he'd done with it, but Kurt, along with the others, was at a loss as to why.

"Why?"

"'Cause you don't get to quit in middle of the game, Thad, you don't get that option; you want to tell me something then you tell me." There was a heavy silence after that as Thad continued to breathe deeply, and the other three furiously communicated between them, clearly wondering whether or not they should tell Thad that Sebastian lying, before the door opened, and Mr and Mrs Harwood came in, followed by Nick, Jeff and Trent; the former two breaking out into huge grins and the latter looking between Wes, David and Blaine in confusion.

"_Thad_!" his mother flew at him, lifting his weak body up into a tight embrace, and his father encapsulated them both, closing his eyes in relief. The sound of crying could be heard, and they all decided that it was time to leave the room. Kurt followed the Warblers, feeling a little bit better because Thad was clearly _okay_, if only in the sense that he was alive and looked after.

Wes slamming Sebastian into a wall was enough to make everyone break from their thoughts. A passing nurse, heading for Thad's room, looked at them in alarm but then decided that her patient was more important. David put out an arm to stop Nick, Jeff and Trent from intervening whilst Blaine, Kurt studied his facial expression carefully, just took a deep breath and looked apprehensive.

"Why did you lie to him?" demanded Wes. Sebastian threw Wes off and stared him down with a very steady gaze.

"Because he didn't want me to have read it," he said, simply. Wes opened his mouth, probably to point out that lying didn't exactly help the situation, but Sebastian got their first. "I'm not putting him in another situation that he can't face, Wes. He needs to _trust_ me."

"Right," said Wes, nodding. "and _lying_ straight to his face is going to help!" Kurt saw Nick, Jeff and Trent exchange confused looks, and David leant in to explain. Sebastian let out an exasperated sigh.

"Yes, actually, because the only way that we can make sure he stays safe is if he _knows_ that he can come to _any_ of us and be _honest_. He's not been honest to us, right now, and we _need_ that to keep him alive; so I _didn't read it_." Kurt had to admit that Sebastian made a good point; Thad didn't want Sebastian to have read it, and Sebastian didn't want Thad making any rash decisions to stop them from having a conversation he'd rather avoid. He could see that the others could understand where he was coming from. Wes stood down whilst Blaine shook his head as he closed his eyes. Nick, Jeff and Trent shared sideways looks and shrugs.

"But you _did_ read it!" spat out David, clearly not convinced. "It made you _cry_!" Kurt felt his eyebrow leap up in shock at that news, looking at Sebastian who was glaring back at David, but didn't deny it. Sebastian had _cried_. Kurt couldn't quite believe that. "This is a _big_ – _fucking_ – _deal_!" Sebastian closed his eyes, sighing, before glaring at David.

"If you want to crash Thad's train wreck of a life _again_, go ahead, but be warned; that's on _you_." He brandished his finger at David as he took a step away from the group. "Now, I'm going to do _everything I can_ to make sure that _that_-" he jabbed his finger towards Thad's hospital room, and they all knew what he meant. " -_never_ happens again; if you want to try and _kill_ him then be my guest, but don't for _one second_ think that I won't murder you."

He whirled around and stormed down the corridor. Kurt blinked at his figure in astounded shock. There was a very tense silence. Blaine looked around the group with tear-filled eyes, probably over the thought of Thad ending back up in that situation, but Kurt couldn't be sure, and made to follow Sebastian. His phone bursting into life stopped him in his tracks. He pulled it out, answering hastily.

"Dad?" he asked, and Kurt, along with the other boys, stiffened slightly. Blaine's spine straightened via habit, and he adopted a very blank face, nodding down the phone with lots of "_yes sir_"s and "_no sir_"s. Then a tiny smile broke out onto his face. "Thank you, dad, thank you." He hung up and turned to the others with a smile, purposefully not meeting Kurt's eyes. "I'm coming back to Dalton."

As the others crowded forward to hug and congratulate him, Kurt took a step backwards and swallowed. There it was; he'd lost Blaine. Blaine was moving on completely with his life; back to Dalton, being with Sebastian, and it was high time Kurt did the same. Naturally, if it was a reason and Kurt suspected that it was, he did not begrudge Thad in any of this because he was going through his own personal hell, but he did feel a pang of anger towards the rest – _especially_ Wes.

He looked at Blaine and only felt a slight lurch as he looked into his nervous, hazel, eyes. He searched for something to say, but he couldn't quite find anything that didn't come out as sounding bitter because he didn't want that at all.

"Look, Kurt," said Blaine, and Kurt internally rolled his eyes because if he'd learnt anything from this it was to take Blaine's explanations with a pinch of salt. "it's _Thad_, mainly, I just-" Kurt held up his hand because he wasn't really interested in Blaine's lies.

"It's okay," he said, pulling out a fake smile that he knew that Blaine knew was fake. "you don't have to explain your life to me." He clasped his hands before him and gave a little shrug. "What you do is your own choice," he made a casual movement with his head, trying to convey an air of detachment about the whole thing – like it didn't bother him at all.

"Kurt…" began Blaine in that tone of voice that said that he had seen straight through what Kurt was doing, and that he wanted Kurt to stop pretending. Well, Blaine had no right to get up on his high horse about anything like _that_ given all his lies.

"Blaine, _really_, it's fine." He took a step backwards, giving the Warblers another flash of that fake smile. "Tell Thad that I hope he feels better, and the New Directions said if you need anything they'll be there to help." They all nodded as one, their eyes all watching him carefully as he took another step backwards. "Good luck with Regionals and Nationals." He added before turning around, ignoring Blaine's last "_Kurt_" and walking away with a straight spine and his head held high because, even though he was desperately hoping for Blaine to come chasing after him and tell him _everything_, he knew that this was probably the moment he turned over a new leaf and moved on.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Dear readers,_**

**_I know I said just last chapter that I'd probably be updating each weekend, but I've been ill, and that left me lots of time to write in so I'm updating much quicker than I thought I would. A thanks, again, to all of you who are reading this - I do appreciate it - and, as always, feel free to leave your thoughts because I'm interested to know what you think._**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." _― Elbert Hubbard

* * *

Blaine woke up in David's arms, and with an aching in his head and heart. He could hear the sound of talking, but was more concerned with the feeling of sick crawling up his throat. David looked down at him and helped to get him into a sitting position. Looking around the room, Blaine could see that Sebastian had risen from his corner and was standing by Wes' shoulder as he talked to Nick, Jeff and Trent.

"Blaine," said Sebastian, noticing that he was awake out of the corner of his eye. "up for another trip to the hospital?" Blaine shuddered as he remembered Thad's figure in the hospital bed. He still felt exhausted, but nodded anyway. He had to see Thad.

"What- what's the time?" Then some of last night caught up with him. "_Is he still alive_?" he cried, leaping off the bed. His legs were weak beneath him, but Wes caught him in time.

"Take it easy, Blaine," he said, smiling gently. "Thad made it through the night, and they've moved him out of the acute ward." Blaine felt himself sag in relief, the desire to be sick still there, but this time because he was so relieved. He could not believe that Thad was alive. He'd made it; Blaine just wanted to burst into tears he was so happy.

"Are we going to the hospital now?" he demanded, still not standing of his own accord. They all gave him steady smiles, except Sebastian who looked very pale and resolute, and Blaine messed up his hair and took it as a yes.

"We are," said David, finally sliding off the bed and putting an arm around his shoulder. "as soon as we eat breakfast – that includes you, Sebastian, because it's the only good habit you have – and then we can go." Blaine could have sworn that Sebastian smiled a little bit at that, but he couldn't be sure. Sebastian nodded, though, and they made their way downstairs.

There was quiet in Dalton as they moved into the kitchen. People handed them cards to give Thad before they went back to their meals and homework, but apart from that everyone left them alone, giving them space to breathe. Blaine slumped down at the table and looked round, noting that nobody took any notice of his presence; like he belonged. Wes shoved some toast in front of his face whilst Trent put down some coffee. Nick and Jeff both ruffled up his hair. David was smiling a little bit, and Sebastian gave him a pointed glare.

Smiling to himself at the thought of _belonging_ – still belonging after what had happened to him – made him feel better inside, even if he was still scared for Thad. He let the tension release from his shoulder so that he could simply eat whilst Nick and Jeff kept kissing each other instead of eating, and Trent unearthed a load of white cat hair inside one of the cupboards. David grumbled about Hunter and Mr Puss being pests, and Wes laughed whilst Sebastian scowled at the mention of his name and went about munching at his breakfast – periodically stopping to glare at Blaine for whatever reason Sebastian deemed appropriate.

It was when Blaine got back in the front of Sebastian's car on the way to the hospital that his mind was made up. He was scared on the inside, and he wanted to cry when he thought of Thad, but he was also warm. He had been so carefully looked after and cared for last night, and he wanted that feeling to stay. When Thad came back to Dalton – Blaine could not think if – he would need all the help that he could get; a lot of that needed to come from Blaine. Blaine had to be there. He wanted to move back to Dalton.

"I want to go back," he said, looking around into the backseat that contained Wes and David. The two of them frowned.

"Go back where?" asked David, rubbing his hand over his eyes and yawning. The action made Blaine yawn and remember how tired he was, but he simply blinked and replied;

"Dalton, I want to transfer back to Dalton." There was a pause before Wes and David exchanged looks that said they had almost been expecting it, and Sebastian nodded.

"It would probably help Thad," he offered, and Blaine could have sworn that he saw David roll his eyes at that whilst Wes nodded, but he did have a serious frown on his face. Blaine stared at him, waiting for him to spill, but Wes kept his mouth shut.

"What is it, Wes?" he asked in a tired voice. Wes sighed.

"It's just- you want to apply for NYADA, right?" Blaine nodded, not sure how this was relevant. "Well, it's going to help _all_ your college applications if you're Senior Class President." Blaine stared at Wes, his face actually going slack from disbelief as David stared at him, and Sebastian arched an eyebrow and glared, because that _was not_ the most important thing at all.

"Wes!" he exclaimed, wanting to throw his arms in the air, but he felt too lethargic to do so, so he opted for some Sebastian style glaring. "Thad nearly _died_! I'm the _only one_ that knows how he feels! He's going to _need_ us! And I'm _scared_ that if I leave him- and David was there, and I just!" he ran out of words as the tears built up in his eyes. "I need Dalton too," he admitted tearfully. "I only feel good when I'm at Dalton…I _need_ to be there."

There was a heavy silence in the car as Blaine wiped the tears from his eyes. He felt tired and empty on the inside now because he'd admitted that. He felt a little weak for admitting that he desperately needed Dalton, but he just wanted to go back somewhere where he could feel good for extended periods of time. He had a feeling that his parents would go for it; they didn't really care as they spent so much time away and as long as he got good grades they didn't seem to mind footing the bill.

"Okay," said Wes, shooting him a smile. "I was just checking that you were really up for it. We wondered when this might happen." Blaine banged his head against the seat in relief, sending Wes a grateful smile. Wes reached forward and squeezed his shoulder.

"It'd be great to have you back at Dalton," said David, grinning. "We can be roommates again," Blaine managed a proper smile at that because the thought of rooming with David was such a great relief. David would be there if he woke up in a cold sweat, yelling. "And the Warblers would be delighted." He nodded, smiling at the thought of the Warblers; Nick, Jeff and Trent who were ready to help with the full knowledge that he didn't tell them everything.

The rest of the ride went by in moderate silence as David fell asleep against the window, and Blaine attempted to organise his argument for his father with a tired mind. He couldn't really make it coherent; "_I'm really unhappy, and Dalton makes me not so unhappy_" wasn't very good, but he couldn't get past that. Wes had briefly decided that he was going to interrogate Sebastian about his sexual health which turned into a very short rant from Sebastian about how he wasn't stupid and – _of course_ – he used protection and – _of course_ – he checked.

Had they been in any other situation, Blaine and David would probably have been hysterics about Sebastian's reaction to Wes going all "_big brother_" on him, and also Sebastian's reaction to Wes prying into his private life; not that Sebastian really had _much_ concept of a private life. However, they were going where they were going, and Blaine shouldn't be in the front seat because that was Thad's spot, and so it wasn't funny.

* * *

They walked with the other three Dalton boys into the hospital and followed the instructions that Mr Harwood had sent David up to the ward where Thad was now. His dad met them when they got there, and he had a very serious look on his face. Blaine reached out and caught Sebastian's wrist on instinct. The two of them were at the side of the group, and, after looking around, Sebastian hesitantly slipped his hand into Blaine's. Blaine didn't look at him, but he knew that Sebastian was afraid and looking for some comfort so he squeezed it tightly.

"He's alright. He's getting better; breathing for himself now." Blaine felt himself let out a huge breath at that, and the rest of the group deflated too. Mr Harwood gave them weak smiles. "Doctors say it's just a waiting game until he wakes up, but…" he exhaled heavily, tiredness showing up on his face. "I need to know…I need to _understand_ why." Nick, Jeff and Trent swivelled their heads towards Blaine, Sebastian, David and Wes. Sebastian let go of his hand, but Blaine was close enough to feel safe and supported. Wes sighed, glanced at Sebastian and David, before giving Blaine one look of assurance – there would be no mention of Eli – and turning back to Mr Harwood.

"He did it because…well, we're not one hundred per cent sure, but we're _basically_ sure if that makes sense," Mr Harwood nodded in a weary manner. "but we think he was too scared to face what you might say; he couldn't handle the thought of rejection, or you'd tell him that he was…_dirty_, _wrong_…_broken_…These are things that he's already struggling with, but he got _really scared_. He couldn't face you – he's been suffering for _years_ – and he didn't know what else to do."

There was a silence as they watched Mr Harwood pinch the bridge of his nose. Blaine looked at the floor when he realised that he was fighting against tears. He lost very quickly; tears running down his face as he quietly cried. Everyone looked away, awkwardly, but Blaine could feel a tearful smile work its way onto his face because Mr Harwood was going to be _there_ for Thad, and that would make all the difference in the world. Blaine still didn't know if he knew about what had happened to Blaine, but that didn't matter right now.

Wes stepped forward and put a strong hand on his shoulder. Wes' demeanour was such that Mr Harwood did not feel patronised by his comfort because all he could see was someone who cared about his son trying to help him because he could. Nick bit down on his lip and looked over at his boyfriend. Blaine noticed Jeff nod slightly as Mr Harwood stepped backwards, giving Wes a look of gratitude, and Nick stepped up.

"If you want, sir, you can talk to me and Jeff. We both know some of how your son is feeling, especially about coming out." Jeff nodded, earnestly as Mr Harwood eyed them in interest.

"Yeah, our parents are still arguing over which one of us made the other gay." One of his eyebrows arched in disbelief, but then he nodded, glancing at Blaine with a brief look that told him that he knew. He closed his eyes and shook his head briefly, _begging_ him not to do this now. Another look in his eyes said that he understood again.

"That would be good, boys. I'll get my wife; she needs a break and something to drink and eat. I don't need to ask for you to sit with him and get us if he wakes." They all gave him nods. He managed a small smile that Blaine, hiding his yawn, felt like he could return. "Come on, you guys." Wes patted both Nick and Jeff's upper arms whilst Sebastian gave them a stiff, yet appreciative, nod.

Blaine felt better when he looked at Thad this time round. He looked much the same, but the lack of machines keeping him alive made him able to breathe easier. He could see Sebastian's shoulders loosened slightly. Trent moved to stand by the edge of his bed. Mrs Harwood got to her feet as her husband whispered in her ear. She cast one look at her son, clearly not wanting to leave, which just filled Blaine with so much hope, before nodding.

They left the room, and Sebastian immediately dropped down into the chair next to Thad's bed, hand going down near Thad's, like he wanted to take his hand but couldn't. Blaine took the other seat as David and Wes leaned against the wall, David pulling out the cards and putting them on the window sill, both yawning. Trent stared down at Thad, like he could wake him with the power of his mind, and then managed a smile.

They sat or stood there for some time, staring at Thad's unconscious form. He looked so peaceful, but incredibly breakable. Blaine's tired mind turned over the idea of calling his dad. He suddenly felt antsy, though he was very tired, and decided that he might as well do it now. He got to his feet. He took a couple of deep breaths.

"I'm going to call my dad," he said, trying to keep his cool. "I need to move now; before Thad gets out." He got some nods at that and walked from the room. He made his way to the stairway, sweat beading across his forehead because he didn't think he could talk him into it, and he _had to_. Taking a deep breath, he flicked to his dad's number and pressed call.

"_Blaine?"_ came the short reply, and Blaine focused on his breathing. _"What do you want?"_

"I want to move back to Dalton," he blurted out before he could stop himself. He had meant to butter his dad up a little bit before spilling his big news, but he hadn't quite managed that. There was a long pause.

"_You want to move __**back**__ to Dalton?"_ was the question, mildly incredulous. Blaine sighed. _"Why?"_ He closed his eyes because this was it.

"I'm unhappy at McKinley; you were right it wasn't a good move for me, and- and my friend is a suicide risk, and he needs me." There was a long pause.

"_You want to move to Dalton because your friend needs you? Just like you moved to McKinley because your __**boyfriend**__ needed you."_ Blaine pursed his lips and turned to the wall and leant his head against it, pushing down his anger and all the many feelings that the assumption of Kurt being his boyfriend brought up.

"Yes, but I promise I won't ask to move. We can win Nationals which is good." There was another long silence between them again.

"_I'll call you back,"_ he said and then hung up. Blaine yawned widely, feeling even more tired after that. Blinking sleepily, he trotted back to Thad's room. He just wanted to fall asleep. They all looked up as he shuffled back in. He noticed that Wes was gone.

"Where's Wes?" he asked with a yawn as he sat next to Sebastian. There was a moment in which Sebastian stared at Thad, Trent blinked and David yawned.

"Coffee," grunted Trent, eventually, and Blaine dropped his head down onto Sebastian's shoulder, considering just closing his eyes for a moment until Wes came back with coffee. He didn't really care that it was Sebastian he was leaning on because, though he had a bony shoulder, he was kind of comfortable. Also, he noted sleepily as he yawned widely, he was a bit of a softie because he wasn't shrugging Blaine off. Must be becoming nice or something…Nice thought…

* * *

He could feel someone poking him, and he would let out a groan if all his efforts had not been going into prising his two very heavy eyelids apart. Vaguely remembering who he had been leaning on, he mumbled;

"Bastian…what…?" wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep, but unable to now that he was partially awake. He raised a hand to rub his eyes and blinked in an attempt to get the blurry room into focus. Looking round, he could see the outline of one more person than he thought was there. He squinted, trying to shake off the sleep as he rubbed his eyes, and then leapt bolt upright in shock. "_Kurt_!" he exclaimed, thoroughly stunned to see him standing there, his heart beating wildly. "When did you get here?" He watched as Kurt shrugged before replying;

"Not long ago, I just wanted to check up on how Thad was." Blaine nodded and looked around with a frown, still feeling tired and wondering why he'd been woken, until his caught sight of Thad moving slightly. He felt his breath hitch in his throat as he stared down at his friend, who was clearly beginning to wake, and felt hope bubbling up inside of him.

He vaguely registered Trent saying something about going to get Thad's parents, but Blaine was too full of nerves, relief and happiness to care that he was leaving the room. Thad was waking up; he was going to be okay, but what state would he be in? Would he still be cracked and broken? And what if he mentioned Eli whilst Kurt was still here? It was selfish for that to be his biggest fear, but Blaine couldn't help it. The whole situation was so tenuous, and Blaine was scared that it would all fall apart.

"Thad," he heard Sebastian whisper in such a gentle, cautious, tone of voice that Blaine could scarcely believe that it was Sebastian speaking. "Thad, can you hear me?" Blaine watched with baited breath as Thad rolled towards Sebastian's voice, eyelids flickering but gave no other sign that he had heard Sebastian. He didn't look at Sebastian as he glanced around for support, instead choosing to keep his gaze fixed on Thad and was only interested when he heard Wes say;

"Take his hand. Ask him to squeeze it if he can hear you." He looked at Sebastian, hiding his amusement at his disbelieving, incredulous, face, and was pleased to see him roll his eyes before turning back to Thad. Blaine watched the delicate way Sebastian took a hold of Thad's hand with the faintest of smiles because he was frightened that Sebastian might explode at Thad as a result of all his hurt feelings, but he was handling him with the care needed.

"Thad, if you can hear me…squeeze my hand…" Blaine sucked in a huge breath, holding it, as nothing happened for a moment. Then Thad's fingers curled around Sebastian's. He let out a great sigh of relief, clasping his hands over his face as he was temporarily overwhelmed by it all; he was _back_.

"Bastian…" he heard Thad groan and looked up just in time to catch Sebastian's blazer as he rocketed to his feet. He forced him to sit back down because Thad didn't really need Sebastian looming over him in an intimidating fashion when he woke up.

"Yeah?" said Sebastian, and Blaine felt some of the tension leave his body because, just maybe, Sebastian could do it. Maybe Sebastian _could_ rake aside all his many feelings; anger, confusion, frustration and hurt, for Thad's sake. If they were going to fix Thad they needed Sebastian, and they had him.

"Throat hurts…" Thad grumbled, and Blaine suppressed a small smile at that because Thad was _okay_.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised," came Sebastian's dry response, and Thad's eyes fluttered open. Blaine barely got a chance to smile at that before Thad had let go of Sebastian's hand and clutched onto his lapel.

"Bastian…Bastian…" Blaine did like the way his voice was slurred or that he was frowning or that he was breathing deeply, but he sat still because Thad was obviously struggling to say something important – to Sebastian. "Did- did you read it?" Blaine dropped his face into a frown as Sebastian asked;

"Read what?" in a very even tone of voice because what did he _think_ Thad was talking about?

"The _note_…" Thad hissed, and Blaine was alarmed to hear the note of desperation in his voice as Sebastian went stiff. Blaine felt himself do the same because he was still frightened about what the note said. "_Bastian_…"

"…No…" Blaine felt himself release the breath that he was holding as Thad let go of Sebastian, and Blaine frowned, looking from side to side in confusion because why was Sebastian lying? What had it said?

"…good… What did you do with it?"

"I threw it in the bin?" Blaine was frowning intensely at this point, unnerved by Thad's relief and Sebastian's lie because what had it said? What was _so bad_ that Sebastian would _cry_ and then pretend he'd never read it?

"Why?"

"'Cause you don't get to quit in middle of the game, Thad, you don't get that option; you want to tell me something then you tell me." Blaine could hear the hidden anger in his voice as he looked around to the others, trying to work out whether or not they should point out that Sebastian was lying, but, before they could reach a decision, the door opened, and the others came flooding in. He saw Nick and Jeff break out into grins whilst Trent picked up on the tense atmosphere.

"_Thad_!" Blaine managed a smile as his mother flew at him and scooped him up into his hug, his father following suit. One or more of them broke down into tears, not that Blaine could blame them, and they all left the room. Blaine tried to focus on the positives; Thad was _alive_, but found he could only think about Sebastian's lie.

Wes slammed Sebastian into a wall almost straight away. Blaine took a deep breath, watching a nurse pass them by and go into Thad's room, feeling apprehensive about Wes' reaction because Wes never got violent.

"Why did you lie to him?" demanded Wes. Sebastian threw Wes off and stared him down with a very steady gaze.

"Because he didn't want me to have read it," he said, simply. Wes opened his mouth, probably to point out that lying didn't exactly help the situation, but Sebastian got their first. "I'm not putting him in another situation that he can't face, Wes. He needs to _trust_ me."

"Right," said Wes, nodding. "and _lying_ straight to his face is going to help!" Blaine bit the inside of his lip, thinking he understood what he was saying as David explained the situation to the others.

"Yes, actually, because the only way that we can make sure he stays safe is if he _knows_ that he can come to _any_ of us and be _honest_. He's not been honest to us, right now, and we _need_ that to keep him alive; so I _didn't read it_." Blaine shook his head, closing his eyes, because it _made sense_, but he also got the niggling feeling that that kind of lie would backfire, horribly, on them.

"But you _did_ read it!" spat out David, unconvinced. "It made you _cry_!" Sebastian glared at David, but didn't bother to deny it. "This is a _big_ – _fucking_ – _deal_!" Sebastian closed his eyes, sighing, before glaring at David.

"If you want to crash Thad's train wreck of a life _again_, go ahead, but be warned; that's on _you_." He brandished his finger at David as he took a step away from the group. "Now, I'm going to do _everything I can_ to make sure that _that_-" he jabbed his finger towards Thad's hospital room, and they all knew what he meant. " -_never_ happens again; if you want to try and _kill_ him then be my guest, but don't for _one second_ think that I won't murder you." Blaine felt tears fill his eyes at the idea of Thad being returned to hospital as he glanced at the others and then realised that it fell to _him_ to follow Sebastian. His phone went off before he could.

"Dad?" he asked, feeling his spine straighten and his face go blank.

"_Me and your mother have talked it over, and we've come up with some conditions; one, you get nothing short of perfect grades. Two, you will not move again. Three, you will not miss lessons for anything. Four, you do not get into any kind of trouble. Five, you will compete on a sports team. Six, you may only do show-choir if you win. Seven, you cannot have another boyfriend. Eight, you will spend the holidays at home and any weekends that we say."_

He answered to the terms in a robotic fashion because he knew exactly what his dad wanted to hear, and Blaine would say almost _anything_ if it meant he got to come back. He found that he wasn't really that angry about the no more boyfriends rule because he did not think he would be up to going out with anyone else after what had happened with Eli and Kurt. However, the fact that his dad felt that he could control whether or not Blaine had a boyfriend – when he had never made any attempt to control Cooper's romantic life – stung him quite a lot.

"_Do you understand?"_

"Yes sir," he said, again, waiting for his dad to say that he could go back to Dalton and confirm it, and Blaine could hang up.

"_If you let me down, Blaine, I might be forced to take drastic action. Perhaps your __**first**__ high school would be able to sort you out,"_ Blaine felt his blood run cold at the threat, and he suppressed the urge to gulp. _"and I don't think you want to go there again, do you?"_

"No sir," he said, not letting his voice waver at all because he knew half, if not more, of that threat was a test of Blaine's strength and resolve. His dad was always doing that – testing Blaine's strength to withstand cruel comments, insults, abuse and other such things as if he could assess whether or not Blaine was still a man – and he knew the tricks.

"_Very well, you will be back at Dalton on Monday."_ Blaine felt a tiny smile, of victory and relief, spread across his face at that; he'd done it! He was going back. He suddenly felt like everything could be alright again.

"Thank you, dad," he said. "Thank you." He heard his father grunt out something in response, but he wasn't paying attention as he hung up and turned to the others, allowing the smile on his face to grow, but not looking at Kurt because he didn't know how Kurt would take this, and said; "I'm coming back to Dalton."

Their reactions of joy at his news was enough to make him really, _really_, believe that, with some time, him and Thad could really be okay again. He let them all hug him and knew that they had his back again, just like old times. He felt good about it; he'd been on this road before, for different reasons but he knew where it went, and from David's steady, strong, embrace he knew that nothing had really changed between any of them after what had happened; _yes_, Blaine was broken again, but that wasn't his fault, and they were there to fix and help him instead of looking down on him.

He looked up at Kurt, nervously, when the Warblers had stepped aside. He could tell that neither of them had anything to say. Technically, it didn't matter what Kurt thought – he was letting Kurt go, and Kurt had graduated so what school Blaine was at ought to be irrelevant to him – but at the same time it _really_ _did_.

"Look, Kurt," he said when he'd found his voice, trying to find the easiest way to explain this to him because he knew that Kurt doubted him now – that was _Blaine's_ fault – and he was, likely, not interested in anything that he had to say. "it's _Thad_, mainly, I just-" he broke off as Kurt held up his hands, his explanation about needing to be there for his friend dying on his lips.

"It's okay," he said, and Blaine felt something cut straight through him – for some reason – at the sight of his fake smile. "you don't have to explain your life to me." He watched as Kurt shrugged like he couldn't care less, but Blaine could _see_ that he did care. "What you do is your own choice," and he had to know that Blaine could see through his attempts to be casual.

"Kurt…" he began because he didn't want this. He wanted Kurt to let him go, but only, really, in a romantic sort of way. He'd been hoping that maybe they could rebuild a friendship, but Kurt didn't trust him _at all_. He was hiding behind a wall, and Kurt had _never_, _**ever**_, hid from Blaine – not even when they first met because it had been around Blaine that Kurt had felt _able_ to bring down his shields and be himself.

"Blaine, _really_, it's fine." Kurt took a step backwards, and Blaine could see the emotional distance between them rapidly spiralling out of control. "Tell Thad that I hope he feels better, and the New Directions said if you need anything they'll be there to help." Blaine managed a small nod as Kurt stepped back again. "Good luck with Regionals and Nationals." He turned around to walk away. Blaine stepped forward.

"_Kurt_…" he said in once last desperate attempt to salvage _something_ from between them because Blaine had wanted Kurt to let him go and move on and find someone worthy, but he had never thought that Kurt would cut _all_ their ties. That Kurt would feel unable to be honest around Blaine. That Kurt would hide away from him because Blaine could see, now, that his betrayal – in Kurt's eyes – had sliced far deeper through them than he had thought.

He looked around at the Warblers, noticing Sebastian approaching the group again with a frown, and let out a sigh of hopelessness. Wes and David both gave him looks that said the only way to salvage this was if Blaine chased after Kurt and told him _everything_, but the door to Thad's room had swung open, and his dad stepped out.

"David, Wes, Sebastian and Blaine, Thad needs to talk to you all." Blaine felt his heart rate pick up as he looked back down the corridor that Kurt had vanished along. He felt a sick feeling of nerves swoop through him. He had to help Thad, but if he let Kurt walk away without saying something more than he would lose him forever.

"Blaine?" Blaine had never thought he would have to choose. Looking around, he saw that Nick, Jeff and Trent were confused, Wes was supportive, David looked ambivalent and Sebastian's eyes were condemning. He would never forgive Blaine if he went after Kurt when Thad _needed_ him. But it was _Kurt_! Or Thad…

He closed his eyes, wondering when Sebastian had started to mean _so much_ to him. It wasn't a choice.


	11. Chapter 11

**_Dear Readers, _**

**_As always, I hope that you are enjoying the story so far, and I want to thank you for your support of my story. I hope you like this next chapter, and, with any luck, I should be updating about this time next week - I'm going to attempt to get into a habit and see how that goes. _**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"I let it go. It's like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home."_ ― Joanne Harris, _Five Quarters of the Orange_

* * *

Kurt made it all the way back to the car. Blaine hadn't followed him. No one had. Kurt had just been allowed to walk away, which, he thought, was a pretty definite signal that Blaine wanted Kurt out of his life. He blinked furiously as he unlocked the car door, silently making excuses for Blaine in his head; namely that his friend had just woken up after trying to kill himself, Blaine would want to be there. However, he could not find it in himself to _stop_ being angry at Blaine because how could he let Kurt just walk away like they had been _nothing_? They had been _best friends_, each other's _first everything_ and _soul mates_, and that meant _nothing_ to him? He could be rationalise it out, and argue with himself and other people over it, but the bottom line seemed to be that Blaine didn't care about him anymore.

That had to be what being stabbed felt like.

He slammed his car door shut and turned on the engine, silently questioning the melodramatic and pointless nature of their whole argument. If Blaine would simply be _honest_ with him then none of this would be happening, but – _no_ – Blaine had to keep his secret even when Kurt _knew_ about it, _and_ when he was offering him a chance to fix things. There was no logic to his decision. What Blaine was doing was only going to hurt them both, but he was also completely beyond reason. Kurt could see that Blaine had made up his mind, and – the Gap Attack would attest to this – Blaine did pretty stupid things once he'd made up his mind.

Driving away from the hospital, Kurt decided that this was _really_ going to be the last time that he came back to Lima; or at least for some time and when the purpose of his visit had nothing to do with his dad. He had nothing left back here apart from his dad, who _could_ come up to New York if he _really_ wanted to see Kurt. He was most certainly spending Christmas in New York because New York was his new home; he had _moved_ which meant that his home was no longer here, but in the city that he'd gone to in order to chase his dreams.

He was heading home from a town that had torn him to shreds more than once. Lima was like a barren desert; to find an oasis was pure luck but if you wandered from it was gone – impossible to find again as you became lost in the mirages of misinformation and half-truths. Blaine, and the New Directions he supposed, had been his oasis, but he'd left and now it was gone. There was no point looking round for it again; he ought to press on and find a new source of salvation.

This ordeal had been nothing more than tiring and an utter waste of time that could have been spent on preparing for his NYADA audition instead of having painful epiphanies thrust on him and being further isolated from his best friend and soul mate… He supposed he ought to stop thinking of Blaine as those things. That was the past; this was the present.

He fiddled with the radio to find something to distract him and, as bad luck would have it, found himself landing on a channel playing Katy Perry. It wasn't even _Teenage Dream_, but Kurt felt himself being overwhelmed by so many memories – Blaine's smile, the tears in his eyes, holding his hand, "_I'm so sorry_" – that he ineffectually hit the button to change station. When _Wide Awake_ finally stopped playing, he had tears in his eyes for no other reason than it was _Blaine_ and he was _gone_ and Kurt was totally so _not_ okay with that that he just wanted to turn the car around and tell Blaine that he'd do anything to get him back and that it almost didn't matter because Kurt's capacity to love Blaine far outweighed everything else.

But he didn't. He didn't because there was no _point_ in him doing that. Blaine was okay with letting Kurt go, possibly forever, or quite possibly _not_ if Blaine got into NYADA and Kurt did too. Still, their _relationship_ – the _entire thing_ – was over. It had imploded around Kurt and then just self-destructed even more. He had been misdirected and misinformed, and he was _so_ through with that. It would just take some time to get used to it all. A lot of time. Forever…

He closed his eyes and shook his head because thinking like that wasn't going to get him anywhere at all. He was well versed in the ephemeral nature of love and life, and all he could do was press on. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other over and over again. He suddenly felt really tired.

Just yesterday everything had been so much more concrete and optimistic. He'd seen the _possibility_ to turn around and move on, and suddenly that had all vanished. He had his resolution still nestled firmly inside of him, but he genuinely didn't feel like he _could_. It was like he was stuck where he was. Goddamn, this town, state, Kurt hated it so much; he would always love the New Directions, but they had all wanted to _leave_ Lima, Ohio. That had absolutely been the right thing to do.

* * *

"I have bad news for you," Kurt had snuck up on Finn, who was watching TV with a frown on his face, like he was focusing on something that wasn't the sitcom before him. Finn jolted and looked up at Kurt with a frown on his face. Kurt sat down next to him and turned off the TV.

"What…?" asked Finn, hesitantly, like he wasn't sure he could handle any more bad news after everything that had happened. Kurt sighed.

"Blaine's transferring to Dalton Academy." Finn stared at him blankly, like he was expecting Kurt to leap up and say "_surprise_!" before dropping his head against the back of the couch, emitting a very long groan. Kurt watched him with a mildly sympathetic look, knowing that it wouldn't help to point out that, because they'd lost Sectionals, they didn't technically _need_ Blaine's voice anymore.

"When?" he demanded, after he had run a hand down his face and looked at Kurt with a mildly crushed expression. Kurt shrugged.

"I don't know…Monday, I guess." Finn groaned all over again, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"Man, I know Blaine always hung out with those guys, and Sam said that he thought Blaine _might_ have been thinking about it, but I didn't believe him…" he trailed off, letting out a giant huff of a sigh. "I mean, it's obvious that he's not _happy_, but I never thought he'd _transfer_…Is he doing it because we lost?" Kurt shook his head, after considering it for a moment.

"No," he said, finally. "I think he's doing it because of the boys _in_ the Warblers, but not because he wants to compete with them…" He sighed, sinking into the sofa as his posture crumbled. "He said that he felt that he had to be there for Thad, but…I think he's probably doing it for Sebastian too…" Kurt shook his head, turning to look at Finn. "You should have seen them; Blaine was sleeping against his shoulder. I mean, if it was David or Wes I wouldn't think twice, but it's _Sebastian_…" he trailed off as Finn nodded because the fact that it was Sebastian explained everything; since when did Sebastian do anything like that?

"I guess…I mean, he transferred for _you_…" Kurt swallowed at that, looking away at the memory of warm happiness that had filled him up inside, the smile on Blaine's face, the joy and the feeling of being indescribably in love.

…_"I came here for me, because I can't __**stand**__ to be apart from the person I love."_…

He shook his head, trying to get rid of the sound of Blaine's voice that was echoing in the happier echelons of his mind where he'd stored all the many good memories that he had of Blaine. He had been studiously keeping his mind away from that area because it tended to leave him with a desire to cry over what he'd lost because he didn't have the chance to make any more of those.

"…so it's really not anything at all about the fact that we lost?" Kurt blinked and looked back at Finn. He turned his words over in his mind before shaking his head at Finn. He rolled his eyes; Finn shouldn't be worried about losing the rest of the New Directions – where would they go?

"No, it's _really_ not on his mind." Finn nodded, rubbing a hand over his face.

"How was his friend?" Kurt sighed, considering the question carefully. He had no idea whether or not Thad was okay because he could still see the fragile looking boy lying in his bed with the marks of his suicide on his body, but then he remembered the way his family had scooped him into their arms and embraced him. He pulled a taut smile onto his face.

"I don't think…" he said. "I don't think he's alright at the moment; he'd cut his wrists and tried to _hang_ himself, Finn. He looked like he was- he really looked _bad_, but…The Warblers are there for him, and his parents took it as well as anybody can take that kind of thing, but they're not rejecting him for being gay which is the important thing." Finn nodded in understanding and searched for something to say. "I said that you guys would be there for him, by the way." Finn nodded again.

"Okay, that's good…I mean, obviously everything else is crap, but, I mean, the rest is good, right?" Kurt rolled his eyes but nodded.

"Yes, I mean, he wasn't quite with it, but he's awake which I think is the only thing that really matters to any of them." He shook his head. "There was a very weird moment," he said. "when Sebastian lied about reading Thad's suicide note and, apparently, he- it made him _cry_." Finn stared at him in disbelief.

"Seriously?" Kurt nodded.

"Yeah, David said it, but Sebastian didn't argue about it so I took that to be a yes." Finn shook his head, clearly unable to believe that Sebastian had _cried_ – Kurt was still struggling to process it, and _he'd_ seen Sebastian's scared face…and him holding Thad's hand – and then ruffled up his hair.

"I take it that you're going back to New York today?" Kurt nodded, letting out a long sigh.

"Yes, I have to admit that I'm looking forward to it." The two of them sat side by side in silence for some time as Kurt allowed his mind to stray, unwantedly, onto Blaine once more. He thought of the Blaine that he'd seen in the hospital and knew he was remarkably – _painfully_ – similar to the Blaine that he had fallen in love with; he showed the same care and love for another person. The only difference was that that love wasn't directed onto Kurt anymore. Naturally, and again he could not begrudge him for this, it was far more focused onto Thad. He supposed – if he was being balanced and he thought about it rationally – that that was what Kurt would want from Blaine because who would not want a boyfriend who loved other people and tried their best to look after them?

All this time, though, Kurt had simply been blinded to all Blaine's short comings; his ability to become jealous easily whilst being the one that was more flirtatious. The fact that he gave in easily to temptation and was easily susceptible to feelings that were nothing more than a fleeting attraction, but that he allowed himself to think – _believe_ – that they were real. Blaine had his double standards and a tendency to overreact to small things that were inconsequential. Blaine also had a habit of not considering how Kurt would feel about a situation until _after_ it had happened; Rachel – when Blaine had _known_ how Kurt had felt about him – and the gay bar when he'd gotten drunk, and now, again, with this Eli.

Blaine regretted it, and he _was_ sorry, but that also _wasn't_ the point. The point was that he had gone looking for something; comfort, an attentive ear, love, and had likely not realised until after that he wanted Kurt. Kurt knew how that felt because it was why he had enjoyed the texts from Chandler, but at the same time Kurt had never looked for anything more than a _feeling_ from him. He had only cheated on him in an emotional manner that he hadn't even been doing consciously; it had just been Blaine ignoring him because he was worried about this entire thing happening in – except it was Blaine that had destroyed their relationship.

"How was the kid?" asked Burt, and both Kurt and Finn jumped, breaking from their own brooding silence, and turned around to see Burt walking in to take a seat. Kurt shrugged.

"He's alive," he said, bluntly. "but it sounded like it was a close call…He's woken up too…and his parents are behind him." Burt nodded, crossing his arms and giving Kurt a look that silently asked about Blaine. Kurt stared back at his dad, not wanting to get drawn back into the conversation that they'd had yesterday.

There was an awkward silence as Burt and Kurt stared at each other, neither one prepared to back down over the matter. Finn looked between them in an apprehensive manner, like he was expecting some sort of explosion or for it to descend into fisticuffs, but silence reigned instead, which was, naturally, entirely preferable.

"That's good about his parents and all," said Burt, caving at last, which made Kurt relieved because he just _didn't_ want to get into _another_ conversation about Blaine. "though it makes you wonder whether, had the circumstances been different, they might not have been so good with it." Kurt nodded.

"Wes reckoned that the situation made them prioritise, and they both cried over the whole not-wanting-to speak-to-them-so-choosing-suicide-instead thing…" he trailed off, shrugging. "I mean, it's terrible that it happened, but, in the end, it is the situation – don't think that there's any point speculating over what might have happened." Burt nodded, and Kurt could see that his dad was giving him an appraising look.

"Did you talk to Blaine?" Kurt rolled his eyes and then shrugged once more.

"Not really. He was asleep when I got there, and they only woke him up when Thad started waking. He's moving back to Dalton though…Said that he was doing it for Thad." He knew that, from his tone of voice, his dad could tell that Kurt doubted the honesty of what Blaine had said to him. One look in his eyes said that Kurt had the right to do that.

"What do you think?" Kurt sighed, shrugging for want of anything else to do and because it gave him the chance to delay speaking.

"I don't necessarily think that that's _not_ a reason…I just also think that it probably had a lot to do with Sebastian. He tried to explain but," Kurt shrugged once more. "at the end of the day it doesn't really matter; I'm not even in high school anymore so it doesn't matter where he goes to school. He can do what he wants with his life." He got disbelieving looks from both of the other men in the room. He rolled his eyes. "It's true. Besides, he tried to explain, but when I walked away he didn't follow – doesn't that say _everything_?"

There was a long silence. Finn looked away, clearly deciding that it was better to not get involved in the conversation, which, Kurt thought, was a smart decision because if someone said that he should have not walked away he would lose his temper. He heard his dad sigh, probably thinking that exact thing, and then get to his feet.

"You need a lift to the airport?" he asked, and Kurt supposed that that was certainly more convenient than taking a taxi. He nodded.

"Yeah, if you're not doing anything that would be useful." Burt gave him a look that questioned what he could be doing that meant he didn't have time to take his son to the airport.

"Of course, whenever you need to go give me a shout." Kurt examined his watch and, considering that he had to get through check-in and security, that he should probably leave now. He got to his feet and let out a long sigh. Finn pulled himself to his feet, and Kurt looked up at him.

"I hope everything works out for you," he said, and Finn nodded, ruffling up his hair so that it stuck up even more at wilder angles.

"Yeah, you too with NYADA." Kurt nodded and reached up to embrace his step-brother tightly. He stepped back after a little while, and Finn once more ruffled up his hair. Kurt cast him a disapproving look.

"Tame your hair, Finn," he commented. "It looks like an absolute mess." Finn grinned and then ruffled up his hair even more. Kurt frowned at him and pretended to wince and look away in pain. Finn laughed and patted his shoulder.

"I'll see you around; let me know how it all goes." Kurt nodded as he made his way to the door where his dad was standing having retrieved the car keys.

"Yep," he said, nodding as he reached the door and put on a small smile even though he had no intention coming back to Lima any time soon. He had a feeling that Finn knew it, going by the rather sad look in his eyes. He knew that Finn had wanted to leave Lima just as much as he did – he definitely felt like a failure because he'd had to come back and, somehow, managed to lead the glee club to their first _loss_ at Sectionals. Kurt wanted to say something about it all, but he had nothing to say. He couldn't say that it was all going to be okay because there was no way for them to get back in the competition.

"Ready?" Kurt nodded as his dad opened the door, and they made their way outside. Finn was standing on the door step, leaning against the door as he raised his hand in farewell. When he was at the car, he spun around, looking back at Finn.

"Whatever happens, don't let the New Directions end. I know that you guys are alright now, but if they get down don't let it end; it was the only good thing about high school." Finn nodded.

"I won't." Kurt nodded, giving him one more smile before opening his car door and sliding in. Shutting the door again, he gave Finn one more wave before his dad reversed out of the drive. He folded his hands into his lap, waiting for his dad to say something.

However, there was silence as they made their drive towards the airport. Kurt supposed that his dad didn't want to seem too disapproving about Kurt's choices even though he disagreed with what he was doing. Kurt could understand that because his dad wanted Kurt to be happy, and everyone had seen how happy Blaine had made Kurt. Still, he had the feeling that his dad would understand, eventually, that this was much better for Kurt because it gave him a chance to be happy with other people.

Kurt shifted in his seat and glanced at his dad, who was staring at the road and seemingly completely absorbed with his driving on a very quiet road. He got the impression that his dad was waiting for him to say something, but what more did Kurt have to say? He'd made his points last night and this morning. He _really_ didn't have anything to say. Not really to anyone – he was even thinking the same things about moving on and getting on with his life.

"Dad, you are okay with this, right?" he said, when he couldn't quite take the silence anymore. His dad looked at him and frowned.

"What do you mean?" Kurt sighed, shaking his head.

"Just- you don't seem to…" he trailed off, wondering he should really say what he was thinking. "you don't really seem to _support_ what I'm doing." Burt looked at him with a frown, looking shocked that Kurt would think that. Kurt winced at the hurt look on his face because he felt horrible saying that, especially after what his dad had said to him in the morning, but he somehow felt that his dad had simply said that because that was what Kurt had wanted to hear, not because that was what he actually felt.

"Kurt," he said, seriously. "it's not that, okay." He let out a deep breath, frowning and looking highly serious. "It's just- I really think that you should, you know, not give up. That's all. I thought- I thought that you got that." Kurt sighed, looking out of the window so he didn't have to look into his father's eyes.

"I know, but…I just- I just had this thought that you were saying it just for the sake of it. It's nothing I just-" he broke off, rubbing his hand over his forehead. He shook his head again, retraining his gaze onto the road that was passing by.

"_Kurt_," pressed his dad, and Kurt sighed, shaking his head once more.

"It's really nothing, dad, I just have…bouts of cynicism, I guess." He snorted to himself. "I think after Blaine it's just a little bit hard to take anyone too seriously. I mean," he turned around so that he was facing full on. "there's something about them telling you something like that…It's not pleasant, I wish he hadn't done, I lost my trust _before_ I knew he was lying, but… He knew what would happen, most likely, and he wanted to be honest with me. He didn't want to lie to me, or so I thought." He shrugged. "It just _changes_ things, you know?" Burt nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, that makes sense and all, but…" his dad trailed off. "Don't get too bogged down in it all," he advised, suddenly. "At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what he did or what he has or hasn't said; you love him – you know when you really love someone because you'll love 'em no matter what." There was a pause in the car in which Kurt sighed, not bothering to disagree with his dad because he was entitled to his opinion, and Kurt would be lying if he said that he didn't think that about them.

"I suppose…" he muttered, eventually, when it had become clear to him that his dad was only going to continue speaking after Kurt had said something back. His dad nodded in a satisfied manner.

"I think, if you want my opinion, Kurt, and I'm not sure that you do, that you really love that kid, and it _is_ love…It's not something stupid – you throwing out that crap about being a teenager and not knowing is just deflecting, Kurt, 'cause," his dad turned to give him an intent look as they stopped at a set of traffic lights. "you're a smart kid, Kurt, you always have been. People might think that just 'cause you love fashion, Broadway, and you're chasing your dreams that you're head's in the clouds, but it's not. If there's one thing that I'm proud of, Kurt, it's that you have the ability to make real decisions; you _chose_ to come out to me, you _chose_ to face McKinley, you _chose_ to be honest about who you were, Kurt, and you did that because you believed in it – because it _felt_ like the_ right_ thing to do – and _that's_ why what you had was never stupid, or throw away; it _felt right_. You can't argue with that, Kurt."

Kurt let out a long sigh, fixing his gaze onto the road, knowing that this conversation had the ability to just go round and round and round in circles. His dad didn't think that he should give up on Blaine, despite the fact that that's what they both wanted – or that's what _Blaine_ wanted; Kurt was half doing it out of spite because of Blaine and Sebastian, and half doing it because he was too tired to fight it anymore. Blaine was pushing him away; his every choice and action designed to push them further and further apart, and why should Kurt have struggle against the tide one more time? Why couldn't he – just this once – sit back, like everybody else did, and see where it took him?

"Dad," he said, once he'd torn his mind away from the image of aimlessly meandering through life simply because he'd been cheated on and lied to by his high school sweetheart. "I'm not going to fight you over this. You said you would always respect my decisions – this is it, I've made my decision; _respect it_." He knew that it was an underhanded way to win the argument because his dad couldn't _not_ say that he didn't want to support Kurt's choices because that was what was so special about their relationship; his dad had as much trust and belief in him as Kurt did in his dad. His dad almost saw him as an equal – undoubtedly there would always be the side of him that said that Burt had to protect him, and guide him, because he was his son, Kurt wasn't going to complain about that – and that meant that pressing it too much would look like he was trying to force Kurt into doing what Burt wanted as opposed to what Kurt, himself, wanted to do.

"Alright," grunted Burt, shooting Kurt a small smile that said he knew exactly what he'd done. "I can't fight you there." He chuckled to himself, and Kurt felt his lips turn upwards at the sound, liking the fact that there was something to laugh over. "You've been outsmarting me for years, but that was a smart move, Kurt; alright, I'll drop it." Kurt smirked to himself.

"Thanks dad," he said, looking over at him with a smile. Burt shrugged and shifted in his seat.

"So this NYADA audition of yours, you really got no idea what you're singing?" Kurt sat up a little in his seat, twisting his torso so that it angled towards his dad as he huffed out a sigh.

"No… Well, I have _ideas_, but nothing that stands out at me as a good idea. It's like every song that I've ever heard pops up in my head, and I vaguely entertain it until the next one barges it's way in…" he sighed. "She was impressed by performance, she said _Hugh Jackman_ would have been impressed…" he shook his head. "What more can she possibly want from me?" Burt shrugged and shook his head, muttering;

"No idea," but Kurt got the impression that he was silently attempting to visualise _Wolverine_ singing and dancing. He snorted to himself and then shook his head; _typical_. "What?" asked Burt, looking over at him with an expression that said he knew that Kurt was laughing at him. Kurt shook his head again.

"Nothing, just…I know that you're thinking about Wolverine and X-Men." Burt shrugged.

"What? You watch someone run around with metal claws being all aggressive it's a little hard to picture 'em singing and dancing." Kurt simply chuckled some more at his dad's indignant reply.

"Right, sure…" he said, rolling his eyes towards the car roof. His dad glanced over at him, partially amused, partially glad – no doubt because Kurt was smiling again. Kurt found that that made him smile some more.

* * *

"Alright?" asked Burt as he pulled the car to the stop outside the airport. Kurt felt a pang of nostalgia for the last time the two of them had been in this position when Kurt had been so full of excitement and hope. He took a deep breath. He had plenty of things to look forward; NYADA, , moving on and meeting new people, and he simply need to remember that. He exhaled heavily. He looked over at his dad with a smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He watched his dad cast a critical eye over him before nodding.

"Alright, Kurt, you take good care of yourself." Kurt nodded and reached forward to give his dad a hug. He was wrapped straight into his strong embrace. He held on tightly, trying that hold onto that feeling of being safe and loved.

"I will, dad, I promise." He opened the car door, and his dad put a hand on his shoulder, making him stop. He turned around, frowning at him. "What?" Burt seemed to swallow quiet heavily.

"Look, just…make yourself happy, alright? And call me when you get off the plane." Kurt rolled his eyes skyward but saw that his dad was completely serious about it.

"Alright, I'll call you when I get off the plane, and I've _already said_ that I'll look after myself – that does include making myself happy." Burt rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Okay then, give me a call if you need anything." Kurt smiled at his dad, rolling his eyes as his obvious, pointless, fretting over Kurt.

"I _will_," he said, sliding over the car and bending down so that he looked in. "as long as you look after your own health." Burt rolled his eyes and shook his head once more. Kurt glared him down. "I mean it, dad, all of my achievements mean nothing if you're not there to be proud of me and tell me I've done well." There was a silence between them, Kurt feeling a particular sting in his eyes as he looked at his dad. Seeing Thad in that hospital bed had reminded him so vividly of his dad in that hospital bed after his heart attack. It made his chest clench painfully, and he absolutely _could not_ go through that again.

"I'm trying, kid," he said, honestly. "I want to be there when you graduate, and when you go on stage for the first time." Kurt smiled at him, feeling a couple of tears well in his eyes. "But, Kurt," he said, voice becoming even more serious. "I know that what happened to your friend is…" he searched around for a word as Kurt nodded. "…causing old memories to resurface, but I'm not giving up – I have everything; _you_, to live for." Kurt felt his smile widen at those words.

"Yeah, okay…" he looked around. "I really better go." Burt nodded, reaching across to catch the car door before it slammed shut. He closed it gently, but rolled down the windows. "I love you, dad."

"You too, Kurt," he said, raising a hand to wave goodbye as Kurt moved over to the doors, stopping once more to give his father a final wave. Then he turned around and stared at the inside of the airport, smile spreading across his face as he stepped confidently into the building; he was going home.


	12. Chapter 12

**_Dear Readers, _**

**_Another big thank you, once more for all the support of this story. A special thanks to Chrisch for their incredibly long, very kind, review of the story; believe me when I say that I really appreciated everything you said, and some of it began to worm its way into my head and may turn out influencing the future plot line! Also, despite the completely depressing nature of what I'm writing about, I do have a strange amount of fun doing it, so I'm glad you're all enjoying it._**

**_Have fun reading!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."_ ― Bob Marley

* * *

Blaine felt sick to the bottom of his stomach as he stepped inside Thad's room again. His whole body felt like lead. Kurt was _gone_. Properly Blaine-would-likely-never-see-him-again-and-even-if-he-did-Kurt-would-never-look-at-him _gone_. Wes had dropped a hand onto his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, but he could not _begin_ to comprehend what Blaine was feeling. Blaine had wanted Kurt to let him go because Kurt deserved something better, but the prospect of his friendship had lingered on the fringes of his mind: a slow burning beacon of hope that Blaine would go to when he had the strength.

Looking at Thad didn't help him feel any better. He was sitting upright in his bed, but if Blaine had thought that waking up would make him look less sick than he was wrong. He was slumped against a pillow, shoulders hunched as curled in on himself, a dead expression on his face though his eyes were bloodshot from tears that had left silvery tracks down his pale face. His eyes grazed, without caring, over Sebastian, David, Wes and his dad, and landed on Blaine.

That was when Blaine knew that, however painful it was, he had made the right choice. His empty, hollow, eyes had sparked into life at the sight of Blaine. He suddenly looked scared as he stared right at Blaine, but there was also so much relief and hope in them that it made Blaine want to break down and cry because he was _so glad_ that Blaine was here for him, and he believed that _Blaine_ – even though Blaine was so broken himself – could fix him and make him better.

He sniffed, wiping a hand down his face as he began to cry because he had _nearly walked away_. He didn't quite want to think what would have gone through Thad's mind if, fucked up as his belief in Blaine was, Blaine had not come when he'd asked. Thad _needed_ him. Kurt didn't. Kurt had Rachel, Finn, his dad, Carole and all the old New Directions. Kurt had his job at and the potential to get into NYADA this time round. His life was almost complete. Thad's life _hung in the balance_.

Blaine found that he couldn't stop crying because he felt so ashamed and sick. He could not believe that he would be so utterly selfish as to _consider_ walking away from Thad as he lay in a _hospital bed_ to go after Kurt when _he'd_ made the choice to let Kurt go. Blaine was the only person that could _begin_ to understand what Thad was going through, and, yet, he would have turned his back on that for himself. He doubled over, pressing his hands to his face as Wes pulled him close because why was he always such a _terrible_, _selfish_, person?

"Blaine…" he could hear Thad's gentle whisper of concern, and he tried to pull himself together because Thad was _relying_ on him, and he was no use to him if he was broken into pieces and weak. He retracted himself from Wes' arms, trying to give them a sense that he was okay to talk to Thad about all of this. He looked straight into his worried brown eyes and almost retched; he had no idea how close Blaine had come to leaving him, and why the _fuck_ was he so concerned about Blaine when it was _Thad_ that was lying in the hospital bed?

"I'm fine," he said, dragging a hand down his face to wipe away the moisture of his tears. "I just-" he broke off and looked away in distress because _what_ did he say? How could he tell Thad that it got better when Thad was the one that had promised Blaine that? "I just-" He looked over at Wes as he faltered again. The older boy wrapped an arm around his shoulder, glanced at the resolute David and the tense Sebastian, and then looked at his hospitalised friend.

"Thad, you know how much we all care about you – just look at Sebastian; he was friggin' _holding your hand_ – and we're not…we're not _angry_ with you-" Sebastian, who had scowled at the mention of hand holding though it had meant Thad had smiled slightly, cleared his throat. Wes rolled his eyes. "Well, _Sebastian's_ pissed, but we're ignoring Bastian because he's an emotional _dunce_." Thad managed a little bit more a smile, and Blaine was sending every God/Goddess that may or may not have been, or be, up there a prayer of thanks for Wes.

"Wes, I'm not…" Thad's voice was cracked and hoarse, and his hands trembled slightly as he tried to keep his voice steady. Blaine felt tearful just looking at him because this was his _real_ friend; someone shattered, struggling, and so seemingly without hope or cause – Thad was like a crushed shell on the beach as the tide came in…He was so dangerously close to being washed away from them completely. _Gone forever_.

"Thad, just hear us out, alright?" Thad nodded, instantly, and they all managed a smile at him in a supportive manner, Sebastian's more like a grimace than anything else but it was the thought that counted.

"Okay…" Blaine noticed the way that Thad hesitantly looked at his parents, like he was scared that they would reject his friends in some way. His mother simply squeezed his hands tighter, clenching her other hand around a tissue, and his father came around the bed to stand by his left shoulder and put a hand on it.

"Thad, we're only honestly all – definitely including Sebastian in this – very worried about you. I mean," Wes stepped forward towards Thad's bed whilst David sidled over to comfort Blaine. "we all know that you've been struggling after you found out what happened to Blaine." He sighed, shaking his head, and Blaine looked at floor because this was hard. "I know that you've been carrying around a ridiculous amount of guilt, but… David and Sebastian both said that it was getting better. You were laughing, helping Blaine, singing, winning Sectionals…" he shook his head. "What happened? I know that you came out and told them everything, but _why_?"

Thad looked at the bed as Blaine chanced a look at his crumbled form. His shoulders were hunched as he let out a shaky breath, and his stomach deflated. He looked scarily _thin_, but Thad had always been a very healthy looking guy. He ate, though Sebastian might have something to do with that, and he did sport and looked…well…_solid_. He didn't look that anymore at all: suddenly all his limbs were spindly and twig like, and his body looked like it might collapse under their tiny, combined, weight.

"I don't know," he whispered, sadly. "I'm sorry, but I just don't know."

"Hey!" snapped Sebastian as other people opened their mouths to intervene. "You may have just done something totally _stupid_, but you don't apologise, Thad. You're the person that is owed a ton of apologises, not the other way round." There was a moment of silence before Thad gave him a tiny smile, and the rest of the people in the room all shot Sebastian grateful looks. Wes looked around, eyes grazing over everyone and giving Blaine a comforting smile before moving to sit on Thad's bed.

"Okay, Thad," said Wes, holding his other hand. "let's get one thing straight; you're not at fault, you're not weak, you're not the guilty party, you're not a burden, or any of those other crap things that you're telling yourself right now, but I'll tell you who you are…" he trailed off, looking around the room one more time as the three people holding onto him squeezed whichever body part they were holding. "You are the son of two accepting, loving, people. You are a student at Dalton Academy where you are a leader of the Warblers and a friend of everyone there. You are a talented singer, a diligent student and love to read and watch films. You have a slightly short fuse, but you make up for that by caring for your friends and cooking them food. You are the equivalent of my little brother. You are the close friend of David, Blaine, myself, Nick, Jeff and Trent. You are the best friend, and long suffering roommate, of Sebastian Smythe. You are the most important person in his world, and the person he cares about the most."

There was an awkward moment in which, for what Blaine was sure was the first time ever, Sebastian flushed a little bit. His cheeks went mildly pink whilst Thad examined the sheets in a rather intent manner. David burst out into uproarious laughter at the sight of Sebastian's gentle flush, bending double and clutching his stomach. Blaine felt himself smiling slightly too as Sebastian glared at the Dalton, or ex-Dalton, boys because some semblance of normality was returning to the world. Thad's mouth was even fighting to turn up into a properly wide smile. Thad's parents shared confused, yet impatient, looks at the laughter.

"I'm not done," said Wes, glaring at David in a mock fashion. "More importantly, though, you are loved by every single person in this room, and…where are those cards?" he asked, suddenly, turning around to frown at David. David blinked and then burst out into a grin. He held up a finger and then picked them up from the window sill with a grin. He handed them to Wes. Wes grinned at Thad. "...and by all these people." He dropped the numerous cards onto Thad's lap.

"There's even one from Hunter," added David with a wonky grin at Thad. Thad was taking deep breaths, clearly trying to hold back tears.

"It's okay to cry," said Blaine, finally finding the strength to speak, mainly from Wes' words because he knew that they were all true and they also all applied to Blaine – well, not the part about Sebastian, but the rest did. "It's always okay to cry." Wes let go of his hand so that Thad could clamp it over his eyes as he broke down into tears. David moved to replace his hand on Blaine's shoulder as Wes sat there with a satisfied smirk, and his mother cried a little bit more whilst squeezing his hand, and his dad gave him a series of strong pats on the shoulder. Sebastian was examining the ground with an intent frown – it appeared that, even though he had been reduced to tears himself, he had not quite gotten over his aversion to be people breaking down – like he was trying to solve the riddles of the universe by it.

It took Thad several minutes to get a hold of himself, for which Blaine did not begrudge him because that gave him time to try and get his head together for when he had to talk to Thad's _parents_ – fucking _parents_ – about Eli. What the hell did he _say_? He had no idea what they were expecting from him. Did they blame him because they thought he might have been blaming Thad, or because he had told Blaine's secret? He could only say that he didn't blame Thad for anything, and that he was behind him one hundred per cent because he was his _friend_.

"Thad," said his dad when Thad had roped in all his emotions. "son, you know that we love you completely, right?" Thad swallowed, not meeting either of his parent's eyes. "Thad, I know that it's not something that we talk about, but…I always thought that you knew." Thad shrugged his shoulders in a hesitant manner.

"Darling," said his mum in a voice that was desperate and scared, her hands moving up his arm and then to his face, turning it so that he faced her, and Blaine watched with a lump in his throat at the tenderness that she showed as she tried to find the proof that her son knew about her love for him. "I've always loved you." There were tears in her eyes and her voice. "You have to know that." Thad looked down, tears beginning to run down his face as his lower lip trembled violently. Blaine could barely breathe from terrified anticipation.

"I know…I didn't want you to say that you couldn't love me anymore because of it," he whispered in a thick voice. Thad's mother broke down into tears, her hands going over her face at the thought. Thad's father looked torn between comforting his broken son, or comforting his heartbroken wife. Wes put a hand on her shoulder whilst Blaine put his hands over his eyes at the overwhelming emotions that were being stirred up inside of him. He knew that feeling, with all its complexities and pitfalls, and it was his own biggest fear; that was what he feared from Kurt – he could not face it – so he understood.

"Thad, we love you, okay," said his dad, reaching forward to position Thad so he looked into his eyes. "I'm not going to pretend that I'm one hundred per cent comfortable with the idea of you being gay; it's not how I was brought up, it's not what I've been led to believe, but you're my _son_ – end of story. I'm telling you, now, that we might not have taken it well, but that's because it's not easy to hear that your son was raped _years_ _ago_, and the thought that you went through it all on your own though, Thad, that this _isn't _the first time that you tried to kill yourself; that makes me sick."

Thad heaved in a huge breath of air whilst Blaine rubbed his eyes because that was what Thad wanted, and _needed_, to hear. More overly, Thad's dad had been honest with his him; saying that maybe it wasn't everything that he wanted or expected, but that he loved Thad enough to discard that. That his biggest gripe with the situation was that Thad had not come to him all those years ago and told them what had happened. It was no doubt hard to wrap their heads around the fact that this was not their son's first suicide attempt.

"I wasn't- I wasn't alone," choked out Thad, in the end. "I had David and Wes." His dad shook his head.

"I know, but, _son_, you tried to _kill yourself_, and we weren't _informed_!" Blaine could hear the suppressed anger and frustration in his voice. Thad looked at the sheets in an ashamed manner.

"I begged them not to tell you," he whispered with tear-filled eyes. "I said I could never live if you knew…they were just trying to keep me safe…" There was a moment in which Thad broke down into some more tears, Sebastian decided that the answers to the universe were now on the wall and Blaine felt a feeling of sickness swoop up inside of him.

"It's true," said David, quietly. "We're not just saying that, either," he said, looking straight into Thad's father's eyes. "We were scared that if we told you he'd try to kill himself again…That's why I started trying to break down the door straight away – I thought he'd try…" Mr Harwood looked between David, Wes and Thad. Then he sighed.

"If it kept you alive this long…" he said in a reluctant manner like he wanted to argue, but couldn't because Thad was still here with him.

"I don't know why I told you," whispered Thad in cracked, hoarse, voice. "I just…I came home, and you told me how proud you were of me, and I…" he trailed off, shrugging, but Blaine thought he understood; Thad had seen all the misconceptions, felt the weight of it all and could not bear it any longer – he could not bear the thought that he might turn out less than what his parents thought of him and so went to lower the bar by coming clean, thus making them hate him and taking away that pressure. It made a twisted sort of sense, or at least to Blaine, except for the fact that he forgot to consider the possibility that his parents might accept him and that it didn't actually matter if he was going to kill himself – if you thought about it.

"Thad, I don't understand," said his dad, brusquely whilst his mother wiped her eyes again, trying to find some semblance of balance in her emotions. Blaine took a deep breath.

"He did it because he didn't feel your pride was well placed," every eye turned to him. Blaine let out a sigh, rubbing his forehead before glancing at Thad. Thad nodded, giving him a grateful smile so that he didn't have to talk about it. Blaine sighed again, nervously looking back into Mr Harwood's narrowed eyes. "He felt guilty because he felt like he couldn't live up to your expectations because he doesn't think that he's worth much. He's been carrying around a weight for so long, a huge secret that presses down on him constantly, and he saw a way to relieve himself of it and tear down all your expectations so that he doesn't have to deal with your pressure…"

He fell quiet at that when his throat became choked up because that was exactly how he felt about himself. He saw clearly Thad's worryingly low self-esteem, but he also saw Thad's dangerous capacity to be an incredibly good liar. One look at Sebastian's angry face told Blaine that Sebastian had been fooled into thinking that Thad was okay. He had managed to deceive them all – albeit partially due to Blaine being a greater focus of attention – because he had the ability to convince them that he was okay and believed in himself when he so obviously _did not_ that Blaine just wanted to tear his hair out in anger. They'd bought into it because they _wanted_ to.

"Fuck you, Thad," spat Sebastian into the silence, suddenly. His jaw was clenched, and his face twitched from suppressed rage. Turning on his heel, he marched out of the room, letting the door slam behind him. Thad flinched. There was an awkward silence in which Thad's father looked like he wanted to march out and _punch_ Sebastian, but couldn't bring himself leave his son, who was beginning to cry again.

"We should have seen that coming," muttered Wes as he reached for Thad's hand again, squeezing it tightly. Blaine swallowed, guessing that he needed to go after Sebastian to salvage his and Thad's relationship, but he wasn't sure whether he should leave Thad alone when he was the only one that got what was going through Thad's head in this tumultuous time. Then again, it wasn't like Wes or David were going to be able to convince Sebastian to come back because Sebastian was only going to be persuaded that Thad needed him if it came from Blaine _because_ he was the only one that understood what was going through his head.

"Go," hissed David, eyes narrowed as he stared intently at Blaine. "Get him back here _now_!" One look at Thad's crushed face told him that he needed to get Sebastian back _now_, and it wasn't like Thad could do anything stupid with four vigilant people in the room with him in a _hospital_!

With that comforting thought in mind, Blaine darted out of Thad's hospital room and spotted the receding head of Sebastian going off to god knows where. Letting out a frustrated sigh at Sebastian's prima donna nature, he chased after him because he got that Sebastian found this difficult and shit, but his hurt feelings and frustrations weren't as important as Thad's life, and Sebastian needed to get a grip, quickly, before he made the whole situation ten times worse.

"_Bastian_!" he called out in exasperation, once it became clear that Sebastian was just going to keep walking until he found the way out and then just _walk_...until he was gone too. He could see it all falling apart so he reached forward and snatched onto the material of Sebastian's blazer, pulling him to a stop. Sebastian wrenched himself from Blaine's grasp and turned on him with a furious expression blazing in his eyes that would be a whole lot more terrifying if Blaine didn't know that Sebastian was a sarcastic mess of guilt, anger, fear and failure.

"_How many times_ do I have to tell you that my name is **_Se_**_bastian_?" he demanded, and Blaine rolled his eyes because he'd thought that he'd managed to explain to Sebastian why he called him that. Then, as Sebastian just glared at him like he was trying to get Blaine to spontaneously combust, he threw up his hands in the air and let out a cry of frustration.

"_How could you _just_ walk out_?" he yelled because Sebastian was so god – _fucking_ – damn hypocritical. "You wouldn't let _me_ walk out, but when you found out that Thad was _lying to you_ – after _you_ lied to _him _about reading his _suicide note_ – you can just _storm out_?"

"Fuck you, Blaine," he said, coldly, pushing him away. Blaine felt an uncontrollable rage bubble up inside of him because why the _hell_ was he being so goddamn _selfish_ about this? Sebastian cared a great deal about Thad, but, more than that, he was smart enough to _know_ that Thad _needed him_! Sebastian _had to know_ that Thad was simply feeling _shit_ about all of this. That he would feel like a burden to Sebastian. That he would feel guilty about lying to him. That would just lead another _gigantic fucking downward spiral_ that _really would_ be _all Sebastian's fault_! Sebastian got that, but he was _ready to risk his best friend for his own stupid selfish reasons because he couldn't handle it all and he felt like a failure_!

Blaine didn't think about it. He threw a punch squarely into Sebastian's face, feeling his nose break under his fist and the blood begin to pour from both his nostrils. Blaine took a step backwards in surprised shock because he hadn't meant it to be so hard whilst Sebastian stumbled, hands flying to cover his nose, as his eyes widened in disbelief. Blaine swallowed, barely able to think or articulate because of his shock.

"Oh God, Bastian, I am _so sorry_!" Sebastian scowled at him as the blood continued to drip onto his white shirt from between his cupped hands. He hurried forward, slipping an arm over his shoulder on instinct whilst internally he was reeling because since _when_ did he punch people when they pissed him off? Then again it was _Sebastian_, who pretty much got a league all to himself as far as pissing Blaine off went – Blaine definitely preferred the nicer version of Sebastian he had come to know this year, but that didn't mean he'd lost the ability to drive him _crazy_.

"The _fuck_, Blaine?" he exclaimed as the two of them moved off in search of a bathroom. "When the hell was violence your cup of tea? You're a hobbit."

"Hobbits did plenty of fighting," pointed out Blaine in a relatively amiable voice considering he'd just decked Sebastian. "Fro-"

"Blaine, _do not_ start recounting the plot of _The Lord of the Rings_ to me; I _will_ punch you back." Blaine managed a laugh, looking at Sebastian's face which was still fixed into a scowl. He guessed that that wasn't meant to be funny. That made the situation, like, ten times more awkward than it already was.

"I'm really sorry," he repeated, weakly as they found the bathroom, and Sebastian stumbled into one of the stalls, getting several confused looks as he pulled out a load of tissues and pressed them to his nose. He put up his middle finger at Blaine, who felt a small smile tug at his lips. Eventually, Sebastian came to the sinks to wipe the blood from his face. He turned on the tap and attempted to wash some of the blood from his face. Blaine winced as Sebastian looked at his reflection.

"You're a lucky bastard, Anderson," he said in a threatening voice, and Blaine swallowed slightly because he got the distinct impression that Sebastian wanted to punish him for what he'd done, but didn't feel like he could. Blaine shook his head because that was all irrelevant.

"Why did you just walk out?" he hissed as Sebastian pressed a sopping tissue to his nose. Sebastian seemed to steel himself, eyes watching the last guy wipe his hands, shoot them one more suspicious look before walking out. "Bastian?" There was a moment of silence before Sebastian's whole posture crumbled.

"What the _hell_ is the point of me?" he mumbled, hanging his head over the sink, looking utterly defeated. "I mean, _shit_, Blaine, that's my _job_; I look after Thad!" Blaine put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently because he got that Sebastian felt shit about himself.

"Bastian, it's…this isn't your fault. I mean, if he can fool _you_ then…" Sebastian shook his head, turning to Blaine with wide eyes that were filled with pure terror whilst the anger smouldered and burned out.

"Blaine, you don't understand; when you first _mentioned_ Eli he came to _pieces_; like, scratching his wrists, hysterical, _pieces_, but when _you_ talked to him, what was his reaction?" Blaine stared at Sebastian, the wheels of his mind spinning faster and faster. Thad had been internalising all of his reactions _for Blaine_. Blaine had known that Thad was probably hiding _some_ of his feelings as a desire to be the strong one because that was what Blaine needed, but had had no idea it had been that bad, or that he'd never talked about it when Blaine wasn't around.

"Are you saying that…this _whole time_…he's just been hiding it all?" Sebastian nodded, fury twisting and distorting the grim expression on his face.

"But _I_ _thought about that_, Blaine! I _guessed_, and he _promised me_, Blaine, _he_ _promised me_ that he would talk to me about it if it got bad." Blaine heard Sebastian almost choke at the end of the sentence and felt something inside of him sink. He bowed his head, tears stinging his eyes, because how had this happened. "Fuck," continued Sebastian in his furious voice. "just _this summer_ he came _to my house_ when he thought that he was going to do something stupid! He _trusted me_, Blaine, now he doesn't; _what the fuck_?" Sebastian dropped his head into his hands in despair. Blaine was pretty sure that he was about to break down into sobs. "What am I meant to _do_?" he whispered, hand over his eyes as his shoulders shook slightly.

Blaine realised that – _holy fuck_ – Sebastian was _crying_, and he was so _freaking not_ okay, and he was looking to _Blaine_ for advice. How the hell did he give _Sebastian_ advice and/or comfort that he would not find patronising, condescending or immediately reject as stupid? What was he meant to do? What could he say to someone who was new to caring about people and had absolutely never experienced with the gut-wrenching horror of finding out that someone that you cared about – _loved_ – did not feel the same way; although it was more about a loss of trust than anything else…This must be how Kurt felt about him now.

"You have to be responsible," he whispered, leaning against the counter so that he was on a similar level to Sebastian. "You have to box it all away, but not to the extent that it tears you apart – you need a safe place to unload; I would suggest me, but I know you'd reject that on one of your weird morals about not burdening me anymore, so David or Wes." Sebastian groaned very loudly at that. Blaine rolled his eyes because at least he'd stopped crying because – _shit_ – that was terrifying. "They won't make fun of you – well, David might, but Wes wouldn't – because all those things that Wes said apply to you too."

"Blaine, if you think that I'm liked and loved by all of Dalton than your idiocy if off the charts." Blaine found himself, even though he was the butt of the joke, laughing at that because the long pause had worried him. The sarcasm, on the other hand, was always reassuring. He rolled his eyes.

"Alright, but the point still stands. Wes' interrogation of your sexual health is one of his weird ways of caring about you. We're all his little brothers, Bastian, and you've got dragged into the mess." Sebastian groaned some more at that, but Blaine knew that this was important; Sebastian needed to know that the others cared about him too, and that he wasn't just a means to help Thad – that might have been how his and David's friendship started, but it was different now – and that he was included in their circle of caring and love…though he might not want to phrase it like that because if there was an expression that would send Sebastian running for the hills that would most certainly be it.

"You're right," said Sebastian, straightening up and rubbing his hands over his face furiously. "I can't let this get the better of me. Fuck, _this_ is why I don't do fucking feelings! They're worthless!" Blaine glared at him because he had _completely_ missed the point.

"No, Bastian, that's not what I meant! You have to unload or you're going to explode like this again. You need to find a way to deal with your feelings without them affecting Thad. The thing is; Thad _needs_ you, Bastian! Wes was right! He's the most important person in your world, and you're sure as hell near the top of the list in his." That didn't seem to reassure Sebastian in the way it was meant to.

"He shouldn't do that. I'm not cut out for this, Blaine, he needs to put his faith in you and Wes and David."

"You can't _get out_, Sebastian, it doesn't work like that…Besides, it'll totally destroy him – you care too much about him for that." He waited for Sebastian to cave and agree with him. Sebastian ran a hand over his face, sniffing slightly to hold back any tears that may or may not be threatening to fall. Inspecting his nose, Blaine saw that it was starting to swell slightly.

"So, what?" he asked, wincing as he looked at Blaine. He did not know what Sebastian was thinking and feeling so he did not know whether or not Sebastian was on board or not with his talking-sharing plan. He got the impression that he wasn't. Still, he knew that they should focus on Thad, though. Sebastian's inability to cope with his emotions would have to wait for another day when there was less chance of suicide. Blaine sighed.

"I guess you just need to explain to Thad why you stormed out," Sebastian looked distinctly uneasy at that. Blaine sighed again. "Look, it's far more _my_ fault than yours. Thad felt the need to be strong for me and hid it all away so that's my fault." Sebastian glared at him fiercely.

"Don't make me punch you, Blaine. I refuse to let you end up in that hospital bed too." Blaine glared back at Sebastian in his most defiant manner.

"Why are you allowed to become full of all-consuming guilt and I'm not?" Sebastian wiped his face and sent Blaine a highly condescending look.

"Because I'm not an idiot," he said, shortly, walking to the exit, and Blaine knew that that roughly translated to; _I have not been raped and I'm not already blaming myself for a ton of more dangerous shit and have the potential to be suicide risk_, and was mildly surprised that Sebastian had managed to stop himself from saying all of that. He shook his head and followed Sebastian back out of the bathroom.

Sebastian walked quickly, and Blaine had to hurry to catch up with him. They walked side by side in silence, and Blaine wondered just how much of an impact the note that Sebastian "_hadn't_" read was having on the situation. Blaine didn't necessarily disagree with Sebastian about his reasons for lying, but it niggled away at the back of his mind that it had made him _cry_ – Sebastian just cried _twice_ in the space of _two days_, but _this_ Blaine had understood; feeling helpless and powerless – and he just couldn't think what Thad could have possibly said that would make Sebastian cry. What was _so bad_? Was that why Sebastian was completely unable to cope? Would it change things – Sebastian knowing whatever he knew – to an even more dangerous extent?

He stopped by Sebastian's side at the door to Thad's room, taking a deep breath along with him as Sebastian rubbed his hands together in nervous anticipation. Blaine gave him a supportive smile, and Sebastian closed his eyes before pushing the door open. Silence fell as he walked back in, and Blaine saw Wes and David share knowing looks at the state of his nose. Thad's eyes were predictably red, and he shrunk in on himself, clearly afraid of what Sebastian might say or do. Thad's mother held onto his hand tighter whilst his father straightened up, trying to make himself bigger and more intimidating, as Sebastian just _stood_ there looking pale.

Then he did something that Blaine would not have guessed. Sebastian stared right at Thad in a very intense manner before striding over to his bedside. There was perhaps half a second when nothing happened, and then Sebastian had pulled Thad into a very tight, rough, hug. Blaine felt his mouth spilt into a smile, holding back his laughter at the sight of Sebastian _voluntarily_ giving someone a hug as David groaned and pulled out ten bucks to give to Wes. Wes pocketed it, looking like the cat that had gotten the cream, and Blaine couldn't hold back as his laughter as the hug went on for an oddly long time until they all realised that Thad was crying, quite quietly, into Sebastian's chest. Sebastian's face was an over composed mask, giving nothing away, but he bent, low, whispering in Thad's ear so no one else could hear him and, eventually, he made Thad pull away, and they smiled at each other – Sebastian fondly, and Thad with watery eyes.

Blaine saw the vaguely amused light in Thad's eyes die as a heavy silence fell upon them. Mr Harwood gave Thad a looked that _begged_ for the truth of what had had happened. Thad shuddered, seemingly drawing closer to Sebastian on instinct. Sebastian clenched onto Thad tightly, face tense and resolute as his nostrils flared from suppressed emotions. Wes patted Thad's leg, and David put his hand on Blaine's shoulder. Blaine gulped in a huge breath. Eventually, though, Thad nodded, saying that he was finally ready to speak…


	13. Chapter 13

_**Dear Readers,**_

_**I'm updating earlier than I thought I would, but I've discovered that the only good thing about having migraines that leave you stuck in bed is that you have a lot of thinking time so I managed to get more written then I expected because I plan quite far ahead in my head, and this story is really turning into a huge coping technique... Anyway, I think that I should be able to post again on Sunday, and then I'm going to return to my once a week updating...probably. **_

_**To Chrisch: I'm sorry, but I really have to stick to the alternating chapters - please stop trying my self discipline! In answer to your question about Sebastian; yes, I do have a backstory in my head when I write him because I have a seperate chapter in the works that's from Sebastian's point of view, and I'll post that when the story is finished. Also, I know exactly what the note says, and you'll find some time later...much later, but don't forget about it, it is important! **_

_**Anyway, thanks for all the support, and enjoy the chapter!**_

_**Sopphires.**_

* * *

_"There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself." ― _Lemony Snicket,_ Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid_

* * *

He got back late that night, but was greeted with Rachel and Brody, curled up on the sofa together, not quite touching, and laughing over something that had happened at NYADA. He had said that he wanted to talk about it tomorrow, and preferably when Brody wasn't there because Kurt liked him and all, but he didn't want to talk about it all with him there, and had then gone to bed.

The next morning, Brody departed after taking a long shower and effectively draining the hot water and grumbling about the cricks in his neck after sleeping on the sofa, and Kurt launched into the messy business of telling Rachel everything that had happened back in Lima. Rachel had been a relatively good audience; gasping, launching into a long rant about Sebastian, fretting over Thad and getting angry at Blaine, but she, annoyingly enough, seemed to share the same view as his dad about not giving up on it. However, she didn't push it because she understood.

Then, Kurt threw himself into tiring, but thankfully highly distracting, task of perfecting his audition tape. He knew that he could simply constantly reapply, but the idea of doing that felt…_desperate_, he guessed, like he couldn't make anything out of himself without their help, which was a lie because, NYADA or not, Kurt was talented, and he was going to be big. He shoved everything that he thought might impress into the video, taking Rachel's advice as much as he thought was a good idea.

On Monday morning, after a total of two hours sleep, he went down with Rachel to hand it in before making his way, with eyes that could barely stay open, to work. He was forced to explain how everything had blown up in his face even more than possible to Isabelle, and, whilst she was sympathetic, she thought it was a good thing that he'd learnt what he had because it meant that he could move on more effectively now that he knew he'd done everything he could to smooth things over – he'd gained peace of mind if nothing else.

* * *

"Hey, Kurt," Kurt closed their door, dropping his back onto the floor, and saw Rachel standing in the kitchen area, examining one of the pans that she had on the stove. Kurt smiled as he stepped further into the room.

"Hello to you too," Rachel spun around with a grin that Kurt narrowed his eyes at. He walked towards her with a suspicious frown on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked, and Rachel grinned at him, clearly trying to keep the excitement that she was feeling bursting out of her.

"Well, you know the Winter Showcase at NYADA?" Kurt felt his eyes widen, heart beating faster than he thought it would over such a rhetorical question.

"You didn't?" he questioned, smile creeping to turn up the corner of his lips. She nodded, letting out a delighted squeal, and Kurt embraced her quickly, letting out an excited laugh as he hugged her tightly before allowing her to step back. "Let's see! Let's see! Let's see!" Rachel dashed from the room and returned a second later, coveted invitation clasped in her hands.

"Ta da!" she proclaimed, thrusting it towards him. Kurt took it from her hands and examined it, feeling a happy smile spread effortlessly across his face at the sight of her name on it. He handed it back to her.

"You only get one of those if you're going to be a star! What are you singing?" Rachel shrugged, looking a little nervous despite still being completely excited.

"I haven't made my final decision, yet, but I'm thinking Streisand's _Being Good Isn't Good Enough_." Kurt nodded because that sounded like a good idea. He was going to say so, but he noticed that she was looking around a little nervously, like she was expecting someone to just jump out at them. Kurt frowned at her reaction.

"What…?" he asked, slowly, drawing out the word for longer than was necessary, but it made Rachel snap out of her weird, hunched, position, and she stopped looking around the room suspiciously. She shook her head.

"Nothing, it's just…I choked my NYADA audition. What if I choke this too?" Kurt shook his head, shooting her a glare that told her to pull herself together.

"Rachel, did you choke _New York State of Mind_? Your first performance in front of your class after Madame Tibideaux made the person before you _cry_? Did you choke at _any_ competition with the New Directions?" He saw Rachel pause, a small smile creeping across her lips as she shook her head.

"No," then she hugged Kurt tightly again. Kurt was a little taken aback, not entirely sure why she was hugging him, but gave her a quick one back. "thank you, Kurt. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you hear to talk sense to me." Kurt laughed, remembering Finn's talk of portable common sense, but decided not to mention it to her – he didn't know what their relationship was like so best not to risk it.

"I'm sure that you'd have become an emotional wreck in your dorm room and would be thrown out…" he leaned against the counter, looking over at Rachel, hiding his smirk. Rachel snorted, rolling her eyes.

"I haven't missed your sarcasm," she commented. "When are you going to ask about your tape? Do you want to come in with me tomorrow?" Kurt paused for a second. He was dying to know whether or not he had gotten in and what she'd thought of it, but at the same time he was apprehensive. The not knowing wasn't even the worst part because there was no question that that was knowing. There was no question that knowledge had brought down on upon Kurt heartbreak and pain, but at the same time… He was a strong person, and part of strength meant taking the hits and dealing with it.

"No," he said, shaking his head with only a slight frown on his face. "but I'll drop in after work." Rachel smiled at him, and he could see the excitement building back up inside of her, and it made Kurt smile too because that could be him soon. He could be getting that coveted invitation and watching some of his dreams potentially coming to fruition. That made genuine excitement and nerves bubble up inside of him for the first _real_ time.

* * *

It was hard to keep his mind focused the next day because the fact that his acceptance into NYADA could be several _hours_ away. It was _impossible_ to _not_ feel nervous anticipation constantly because this was huge! He had nothing else to look forward to but this – and Christmas, but that seemed like quite a long way away, and it wouldn't be the same without Blaine, and he was _desperately_ trying to _not_ think about Blaine being missing from his life so he tried to keep his mind away from that because it was painful.

Eventually, he got shooed out early and was told to corner Madam Tibideaux and not come back because, whatever state he was in; happy or sad, it would be unproductive, and they didn't want to deal with it. He had that spring in his step that he'd had after Isabelle had told him to go down and see Blaine, again, in the first place – he was trying to not think about that either. There was to be no thinking about Blaine full stop…or that was the idea, it was far harder than he would have previously thought because his mind connected things to Blaine by instinct. He thought about what Blaine might think of what he was doing, or what Blaine, himself, was doing at this moment, or everything would simply remind him of Blaine because Blaine had liked _that_ song or Blaine had this about that or just because _everything was_ _Blaine_.

This was _so_ _hard_. It was good Kurt wasn't a quitter…or maybe he _was_ because he'd quite on the relationship to start with – he didn't know or particularly care either.

* * *

He felt full of nerves as he wandered into NYADA because this could, or ought to be, him. He should be discussing numbers, moaning the dance class and organising a night out at Callbacks with his other friends and peers. This was where he ought to be belong.

The doors were open to her office, and he could hear the sound of her talking to another student. He took a deep breath, pushing down the nerves and anxiety and expectancy, and knocked on the wood of her office as the student got to his feet to walk out.

"Madam Tibideaux, I hope it's alright that I'm dropping by your office." He wandered nervously in, because maybe he wasn't allowed to be here and the fact that she was focusing on her work was unnerving, and placed his hands before him, trying to project an air of politeness. "I'm not sure that you remember me-"

"What can I do for you, Mr Hummel?"

"Oh! I, err…" he stumbled nervously in surprise because she had to have seen hundreds of applicants, it couldn't be possible to remember them all, could it? "I-I applied for the second semester-"

"I received it. I reviewed it." Kurt tried not to be completely thrown by her apparent lack of interest for his presence in her office because what did he expect? Who was he to disturb her whilst she was working? Also, he was sure that it would quickly become infuriating to have a stream of wannabe performers traipsing into her office to pester her on her opinion of their dreams.

"And the accompanying video?"

"Of you doing the acoustic version of Wham!'s _Wake Me Up Before You Go Go_." Kurt wasn't entirely sure what she meant by that – she knew what he was here for after all – but pressed on regardless because at least she _had_ seen it.

"What did you think?"

"I thought exactly what I thought the first time you auditioned for me last spring," he felt a tiny smile creep onto the corners of his mouth as he prepared himself for the news, probably _good_,because she'd given him some very high praise, and she was actually looking at him which was a serious improvement. "Here's a very talented young man who knows how to sell a number," he felt the smile widen across his face because she thought that he was "_very talented_" and, whilst he knew that, that was a ringing endorsement of his talent. "but who is devoid of complexity and depth."

He felt something inside of him drop at the sound of that. He could hear the words resonating inside his head.

"…_devoid of complexity and depth."…_

When had he ever been anything less than complex and deep? Kurt knew that he was likely perceived by a lot of people as simply a cardboard cut-out stereo-type of a gay person, but Kurt had also been subjected to an incredible amount of teasing and taunts and humiliation and _pain_ and had been forced to learn that it was easier to hide behind something. He knew more about suffering, pain, fear, love, _hope_ than most people. He'd lost his mother. He'd realised that his differences would alienate him from most. He'd learnt the joy of having a father that would accept and love him no matter what. He'd found a sense of belonging in the New Directions so that it didn't _matter_ that he was alienated from other people. He'd felt love – marvellous, all-consuming and perfect – as well as pain – excruciating, heart-breaking and soul destroying – because of Blaine.

"What?" he managed to force out because he could not understand that. He would never have expected someone like Madam Tibideaux to say something like that to him because music, performing and song was his way of expressing all of the things that he kept inside of him.

"You gave me surface when I was looking for soul. We are training artists here, Mr Hummel; performers who are not afraid to show their vulnerabilities and, yes, even their heart." Kurt could feel it all crashing down on him, and that snide, unkind, part of him was screaming that this was all Blaine's fault and that Blaine had ruined if for him because he'd made him too afraid to open himself up…

"Madam Tibideaux I-I-I-I have all of things," because he did. He had it all stored inside of him, and he understood now because Rachel's performance at Nationals had had that. He understood what he had to do because, unbidden and unwanted, Blaine's second performance of _Teenage Dream_ had come to mind; where he'd bared his heart to everyone in that bar because he had been unafraid to cry.

"I rarely give anyone second chances, and when I do it is on _my_ terms." Kurt was genuinely struggling to keep it together because this was not happening. He understood from her tone of voice that this was _it_. "Now thank you for your continued interest in NYADA," he knew that his dismissal – his _final_ dismissal – was coming and that her interest was no longer on him as someone else walked in. "but as you can see I am preparing for the Winter Showcase. Goodbye, Mr Hummel."

Kurt talked around and walked away at that, trying to not feel like his world was falling apart all over again; he still had his job, he still had his family, he still had New York, but it was difficult to not think that. It was difficult to not feel that way.

* * *

"Kurt, I'm so sorry," said Rachel as she sat down beside him. Kurt did not move to acknowledge her, continuing to rest his head against the fist of his left hand whose elbow was balanced on the arm of the sofa. He felt tired and empty inside. It was preferable to his feeling of complete failure, but it was like he was being weighed down with stones. He couldn't do anything right. How could he have possibly have messed this up so much?

"It's nothing," he said after some time, not bothering to look over at her. "Shouldn't you be rehearsing for the Winter Showcase?" There was a pause.

"Well, yes, but I was thinking that maybe we could-" Kurt stood up abruptly because he did not need her pity. He did not need her to sit around and attempt to wallow in his sadness with him – even though he knew that she could empathise after she'd choked – when she ought to be practising her songs.

"I'm going to be in my room, you should practise." He spoke to her in a monotone, giving her a small glare that said not to follow him or do anything other than practise. He saw Rachel open her mouth, but he simply glared her down and walked away, hearing her sigh.

He closed himself into his room and looked around. He made his way to his bed and sat down onto it. He looked around again with tears in eyes because he had no idea what he was doing. He felt utterly miserable, the commiseration texts from his dad and the New Directions weren't helping, and there was nothing he could do about it. He could not make Carmen give him another audition. She wouldn't give him a second chance.

His phone chimed, and he picked it up in a tired fashion, uncaring as to who had sent him the text. Glancing down at it, he found that he did not even do a double take when he saw the fact that it was a message from Blaine that read;

_Kurt, I'm so sorry about NYADA. I would have thought that you were a cert. I hope that you work something out. You're amazing! PS. Thad says thank you for coming to see him in hospital.-Blaine_

Kurt stared at the message for a long time, unsure whether or not he was ought to respond. He had sent simple "_thank you for your thoughts/sympathy_" to his other friends, but that didn't seem quite right. Blaine's text was not conversational, thankfully, but he felt that he needed to say _something_ in response; at the very least he should respond to the part about Thad.

_Thank you,_ he typed out, slowly, _is Thad feeling better?-Kurt_

There was a pause as he cast down the phone, swallowing and staring ahead in a glazed over fashion, unsure how he felt about the communication between him and Blaine. He was meant to have cut if off completely. Maybe, he shouldn't have responded to the text after all.

The phone chimed again, vibrating on the covers, moving a little bit on the bed before he snatched it up, clicking on the message.

_Thad's better, yeah.-B_

Simply from that text message, Kurt knew that Blaine was also struggling to think of anything to say. He got the impression that they "_yeah_" had simply been added in an attempt to make it seem like a conversation, but really it just came across as him trying to use up more characters and make the message longer.

_That's good.-K_

He felt a strong desire to simply turn off the phone to stop their stilted conversation from happening. He knew that he had nothing left to say to Blaine, nor did he want to hear anything more from Blaine, once again, Warbler. Still, the contact seemed to warm him up a little bit, breaking through the mists of misery that were hanging over him.

He shook his head, trying to clear that thought from his mind because that was not what he wanted. He wanted to stop this, but his phone was vibrating again, telling him that Blaine wanted to get back in touch. He swallowed and looked down at the message.

_Yeah, it really is…Thank you for coming to see him, it really helped to know that you were there, even if he didn't talk to you because it showed that, you know, other people cared about him. I think it's helped give him some more courage.-B_

Kurt stared at the last word of the text, swallowing the lump down in his throat and wondering whether that was intentional. Suddenly, the tears were stinging in his eyes, and he furiously rubbed at them because he did not need Blaine to be his strength anymore. Kurt was his own source of strength and determination. Kurt knew that he could draw from his own experiences all the strength and courage that he would ever need. He didn't need to take anything from Blaine; he could be almost everything that he needed because he no longer needed to cling to the life buoy that was Blaine to stop him from drowning in the turbulent, tumultuous, sea that had been high school and bullying because he was in safe waters, swimming for himself.

_I'm sorry.-B_

Kurt looked down at Blaine's response and vaguely wondered which mistake he was apologising for; the cheating, the lying or the maybe-inadvertent-maybe-deliberate reminder of their relationship. He got the impression that Blaine was likely apologising for his wording, making Kurt think that it was likely something that had slipped out more than being his way to try and get Kurt to forgive him. That was what he hoped at least.

He turned off his phone, casting it aside, and thinking back to almost this time last year. It was nearly the same time that Blaine had made him that promise ring. He felt a sad, wistful, smile curve onto his lips because a year ago it had been conceivable that Blaine could possibly have been _proposing_ to him. He'd given him a _promise_ ring.

…"_What are you promising?"_

"_To always love you, to defend you – even if I know you're wrong – to surprise you, to always pick up your phone call no matter what I'm doing, to bake you cookies at least twice a year, and to kiss you wherever and whenever you want, but mostly just to make sure you remember how perfectly imperfect you are."…_

He blinked some more, remembering Blaine's words and the feelings that they'd conjured up inside; the warmth, the belief, the love, the happiness, the trust, the flattery, the hope and the feeling that if everything could just stay between them exactly the way that it was in that moment than Kurt would never ever be unhappy or unfulfilled or jealous or angry or frustrated or sad again in his life.

But that was last year. The first two Christmases from when he'd been in high school had been without Blaine. The third was with Blaine at Dalton as his unrequited love blossomed. The forth had been at McKinley with Blaine as _his_. Now he was out of high school. His first Christmas in New York was likely to be a lot more depressing than he had imagined.

He lay down on his bed, picking up the phone and examining his pale reflection in the lifeless screen. He looked _awful_. He looked tired and pale and ill and crushed. He was a mess, not just emotionally, and he needed to sort that out. To think that the scenario could have been so different if he'd just answered Blaine's phone calls properly at least once, or if he'd known, right from the start, just what NYADA were looking for in him. Right now, from where he was standing, it looked like two errors had judgement had managed to cost him almost everything that he'd ever wanted.

Rachel started singing in the other room, the backing track for her Streisand song turned up loudly, and Kurt dropped the phone back onto the bed, vaguely wondering what Blaine would make of their conversation and wondering whether or not he was still attempting to contact him. He found he couldn't bring himself to care too much about it, or anything; not Vogue, not Blaine, not the Showcase, _nothing_…

He was really very tired.

* * *

"Are you sure that you're alright?" asked Rachel. Kurt rolled his eyes to the ceiling because, _yes_, it hurt like hell, but he was not going to dissolve into some form emotional wreck at the sight of NYADA performance hall because he hadn't gotten in.

"_Yes_," he said, firmly. "I'll be _fine_, as long as you sing every note perfectly." Rachel smiled at him and gave him a smile that just about managed to hide all of her excited anticipation. Then she let out a squeal, and Kurt hugged her tightly. They broke apart, and Rachel smiled even wider.

"I will, you were right; I can do this." Kurt nodded and looked around.

"I'm going to get a front row seat." There was a pause before he looked around. "Where's Brody?" Rachel went vaguely pink at the look that he was giving her; demanding to know why he wasn't here to congratulate her.

"Around…" she said, nervous and apprehensively, as she shrugged.

"I'll save him the seat next to me," he promised, rolling his eyes because he knew that she was wondering whether he would turn up, but there was absolutely no _whether_ about it.

He took a seat in the audience and watched the first performance. It was amazing, there was no doubt about it, but Kurt could not find it holding his attention. He found his mind slipping away to the recesses that Blaine occupied. His immediate reaction to blame Blaine had been inaccurate, but, at the same time, not all together untrue. He had made a misjudgement about what NYADA were looking for in their candidates, but he would be a lot more partial to singing a ballad, or something of the sort, if he had not been a wreck after Blaine.

When it was Rachel's turn, he knew that she was pacing outside and probably talking to Brody so he slipped up to get her here on time. He watched them talk with a small smile because it was nice to see Rachel moving on and finding happiness – even if it meant that Finn was made unhappy because Rachel deserved someone like Brody. Watching them kiss wasn't even as painful as he thought because it was just normal for him; to be on one side of the glass and seeing people experience the things that he wanted without being able to do them himself.

"Hey, as sympathetic as I am for this particular act of RomCom, Rachel you're up!"

Rachel was simply stunning in her performance. Kurt had sat down with the nerves that came from having your best friend on stage about to make one the biggest performances of her life, but he forgot them the moment that he fell into her song. There was no possible way that he could begrudge Rachel for her place in NYADA because on stage she truly belonged. She was beautiful in so many ways that Kurt could not quite begin to explain. She got her well-deserved standing ovation, and then an encore that took Kurt off to better places without all of his failures hanging over him like a lead weight.

He was barely listening to Madam Tibideaux praise Rachel because even "_superb_" did not quite sum up what Rachel was like. However, the moment that she said;

"…if he thinks he's ready," he was listening in because that was a strange thing to say. "we'll have a performance from Mr Hummel." Kurt felt something fall down inside of him at those words. How could she ask him to sing _now_? Kurt had nothing prepared! He wasn't ready. He had nothing to perform.

However – even as he walked out of the hall in shock and panic because what the _hell_ was she _thinking_? – he knew what he had to do. He knew what Carmen was looking for. He had to tap into the unmined oil well of emotions inside of him that was Blaine. He had to show soul and depth and complexity, but how could he do that without any preparation time?

"Kurt?" Rachel had chased him out the hall, and he turned around, chest rising and falling in panic because even if he knew what kind of performance he was meant to give it didn't change the fact that he had nothing to sing.

"This is _insane_!" he exclaimed, finally. "I understand what she wants me to do, _yes_, but how can she expect me to go on with no time to prepare?"

"She's giving you a second chance to do your audition." If Kurt had been less in a state of panic he would have glared at her for stating the blindingly obvious, but he needed Rachel's advice. He had to sing something that showed deep emotions and a complexity. He needed to show them his soul; bare his heart out like it had been so many times these last months. "She wants to see how you respond to pressure, but there is no pressure; you have a whole repertoire!"

Kurt took a deep steadying breath and then shook his head. Kurt was going to go with his gut feeling on this. His gut was screaming that he needed to go out on a limb and take a risk. He needed to show the wreck that he had been made as a result of Blaine's betrayal and lies. He needed to show the way that, at the moment, his life seemed to be a constant run of failures. He needed to show that his dreams were dying and that, sometimes, he felt that he might never reach a happy ending…

"I think I know what I need to do," he said, looking into Rachel's eyes with resolution. "This might be even more insane than anything else, but…She said I lacked soul, depth and complexity…The only way I can get into NYADA is if I go out there and show her that I have all of those things in abundance." Rachel nodded, giving him a smile.

"Okay, then, what is it?" Kurt shook his head, taking in a deep breath.

"No, if I hear your opinion I'll immediately begin to doubt myself." Rachel frowned in a worried manner, but he gave her a semi-reassuring smile. He felt that if he didn't hear her say anything than he could convince himself that he was certain that he knew what he was doing when he knew that he had no idea what he was doing.

He simply tried to keep his breathing in control as he walked out to the sound of polite applause because if he messed this up, if he'd made the wrong choice, than he would have made a fool of himself in front of so many prestigious people; he would likely never recover.

He kept his mind focused solely on the song and walked over to tell them what he was performing. He knew that, if they were anything like the band in New Directions, they would immediately know it. If they were surprised by his song choice then they didn't show it, and he turned back to the audience.

"Hi, um…I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of…NYADA student," he mentally kicked himself for those words, but what else could he say? That this was his _third_ audition, or that he'd never fully sung this song through, or that he had no idea what he was doing. "Tonight I'm going to sing a song that I've never sung before," and then he mentally face-palmed because he hadn't meant to say that "but…" he took a deep breath, looking at Carmen, who was watching him with an inscrutable expression on her face. "I think it's the only song that I could sing tonight because…" he broke off, looking over at Rachel and Brody and then back at Carmen who was still looking at him with assessing eyes. "because it's what I feel in my heart."

He took a deep breath, pushing down all his feelings of nerves, mentally preparing himself to open up his old wounds, and looking over at the band to say that they ought to be ready to play. He looked back at the crowd, all of whom had sat up in their chairs at his words. He chanced a look at Rachel and Brody. Rachel gave him an encouraging smile that Brody copied. He glanced at Madam Tibideaux; she was simply waiting for the song and what it would show her.

He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to sing;


	14. Chapter 14

_**Dear Readers, **_

_**As promised, here is another chapter. I feel like I should warn you that I do describe Thad's attempted suicide in the beginning of this chapter - I don't think that it's too graphic, but if you don't like that sort of thing then you might want to skip out the third to eighth paragraphs; it's fairly obvious where it starts and ends. **_

_**To Chrisch - and anyone else who is interested in how long the story will go on for - the story should span the rest of Blaine's senior year, so for the rest of season 4 really. Also, I forgot to mention last chapter, but, in regards to Kurt, I will probably stray to and fro the actual canon of the show, depending on whether it fits and I like it.**_

_**Anyway, thanks to anyone who favourited, alerted, reviewed or read, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!**_

_**Sopphires.**_

* * *

"_But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself._" ― Albert Camus

* * *

Blaine had never been more exhausted in his life than on Tuesday morning. He stood, with eyes that would barely stay open, outside of Dalton Academy, waiting for Thad. Blaine was not sure how Thad had managed to convince his parents that the best thing for him was to return immediately to school and for him to board there like normal, or how he wasn't talking to a professional psychiatrist after they'd all screwed up so badly, but it meant that Thad was going to be their responsibility 24/7, and Blaine wasn't sure if they could do it, and the consequences of that were terrifying.

The worst part, though, was not the crushing feeling of panic or fear, but the fact that every time he _blinked_ he saw what he imagined had happened to Thad, like it had been emblazoned onto the backs of his eyelids as a brand of failure and shame…

He could almost visualise Thad; shaken, scared and afraid, stumbling into his bedroom, slamming the door shut and blocking it. Unable to cope with the intense, overwhelming, nature of everything that he was thinking and feeling – not to mention the sounds of David's yelling and pleading – he had cut into his wrists with nail scissors that he'd bought not long after Wes and David had decided they trusted him because he needed the option; attempting to make pain the sole focus of his attention, subjecting himself to suffering in an attempt to block out the sounds of his world crashing down around him.

But pain was not a bringer of relief, simply adding to his feelings of panic and hysteria, and he'd caved and cracked further; reaching for the painkillers that he'd hidden away in his room after he'd found out about Blaine – just in case. He'd swallowed one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen…

The packet was empty. Blood dribbled down his forearms, and he felt sick and dizzy – David still crashing into the door accompanied with frenzied shouts and screams – unable to fully stand or think properly.

Then, out of hazy confusions and the distant, yet deafening, noises, came a shining beacon of clarity. Like an angel descending from Heaven in a pool of perfect light, blasting through his clouded mind and giving him purpose, but releasing the slithering, snake, of evil that lurked in its locked cage, buried deep in the back of his mind. And once the ideas – _If I die I don't have to deal with this. I'm just a burden to everyone else anyway. I'm weak. I'm worthless. I'm stupid. I'm nothing. I'd rather be dead._ – had been released there was no escaping them. They became embedded into his mind, setting their one track tune blaring through his head.

It seemed like the right thing to do.

Fumbling for his pen, he'd scrawled out his message to Sebastian, tears dripping down his face, and put it neatly in an envelope. He walked with heavy limbs to the semi-open door of his wardrobe and took out a belt, unable to hear the bangs and crashes because it didn't matter anymore..._nothing_ mattered. He pulled out his desk chair. He stood up on it, pulling off the light shade, and tested its strength. It would hold. He tied the belt around with fingers that somehow did not falter or fumble, though he felt light headed and drained. He looked straight into the hangman's loop. He _could_ wait. The door shuddered. One of the boxes toppled over. It had to be now. He put his head into the loop. He tightened it. He stepped forward.

Blaine pulled himself away from his vivid imaginings, fighting the intense feeling of nausea that made him want to gag, and looked over at David, who was standing on his left. David had finally broken down as Thad retold what had happened, sobbing uncontrollably into Wes' arms because he'd been _right there_. If David had been in that room, he would have held Thad in his arms and let him cry and talk sense into him. He would have called Sebastian and Blaine over, and they could have dealt with it. But he hadn't been in the room. That failure was tearing him to pieces.

They had been a mess; Thad crying, his mum crying, his dad crying, David crying, Blaine crying. Only Sebastian and Wes had been able to keep themselves together, Sebastian moving over to hug Blaine in a very tight, reassuring and comforting manner that all stemmed from his crushingly tight grip on Blaine that stopped Blaine from feeling like it might all break apart, and Wes attempting to comfort David, as well as trying to get him to pull himself together in the nicest way possible, whilst Thad's mum attempted to strangle her son all over again as his dad slumped against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose and, no doubt, feeling completely shit.

After that talking about Eli had been comparatively _easy_ for Blaine because he felt completely drained and empty, and his mind had ground to such a severe halt that it could not work itself up into a panic over explaining his present circumstances because he was emotionally _exhausted_ after hearing what Thad had been through, knowing it could have been averted if someone else had taken Thad home, and he'd simply been through too much. Thad's parents had been sympathetic and hadn't pressed too much, and Sebastian managed to make Thad smile again, which made everybody else in the room smile just because.

They'd gone back to Dalton after Nick, Jeff and Trent had been allowed in to hug him and crack a couple of jokes. The three of them had gone up to Jeff and Trent's room whilst Blaine had borrowed some of David's clothes and hung out with him, Sebastian and Wes in David's room. They didn't do much, just watched more movies, but Wes took Sebastian outside for a "_long overdue talk_",and, going by the redness of Sebastian's eyes when he'd returned, he'd decided to follow Blaine's advice – if it had been about anything else he would have been insufferably smug, but he couldn't be.

They'd passed out at three am and been reawakened seconds later by David yelling and screaming. He'd run from his room and into Thad and Sebastian's and then broke down into hysterical sobs at the sight of Thad's empty bed. He'd been absolutely convinced that Thad had been successful with his suicide and seemed to think Sebastian was dead too, for whatever reason. It had taken them at least another hour to get him to calm down.

Then David had been too scared to go back to sleep so they'd made themselves some strong coffee and watched old episodes of _The Simpsons_, though none of it seemed quite as funny as Blaine had remembered. The only highlight had been the discovery that Sebastian could recite _every line_ of _every episode_, which had left them laughing for some time. It wasn't until Blaine had started to imagine what Thad would have said that the mood died. It was weird because Thad wasn't dead or anywhere _near_ dead anymore, but… After hearing his story, Blaine had suddenly had the realisation that everything that had happened to him had affected him on a much deeper level than it had to Blaine. Blaine couldn't put his finger on it, but it had.

Was it the fact that he and Eli had been very good friends and so it had been more of an abuse of trust? Was it that Thad had never even been _kissed_ before it had happened? Had it been that it had rocked the self-acceptance that he'd been building of himself because everything that Eli had said had suddenly become twisted and unbelievable? Or, it was strange thought, but was it the lack of self-loathing that had left Thad adrift? Blaine had been grounded by his feeling of deep self-loathing because hating himself was easier than dealing with pain, but, also, now that he thought about it, was it the fact that no one had ever _loved_ him in the way that Blaine had been loved by Kurt? Blaine knew that, no matter how much he had hurt Kurt, Kurt had only been as upset as he was about the whole thing because he loved Blaine so much. That had kept Blaine safe. Thad was loved by them, but it wasn't the same as the way Blaine had been loved by Kurt.

Blaine needed to find Thad a good, genuine, boyfriend who loved him and would never, _ever_, take advantage of him…He hoped that that was easier than it sounded.

* * *

Thad's parents made it explicit that they wanted to spend Sunday alone with Thad so Blaine finally picked up his car from Thad's house, and then picked up his stuff from his house, which was blissfully empty, and suggested his idea of getting Thad a boyfriend to David and Wes – Sebastian was taking some time out to get his head together, that surprisingly didn't include sex – and they both seemed to agree it was a good idea, though Wes had gotten strange look on his face for half a second. Then they delivered Wes to the airport, Sebastian had appeared looking far more put together, and Wes gave them a letter and DVD for Thad, both of which he knew were currently in David's pockets.

Looking at Sebastian, now, he saw that he had unwound a lot. He had his hands in his pockets, posture casual and a faint, expectant, smile on his face. However, it wasn't enough to make Blaine forget how he wasn't alright because on Monday – after another sleepless night thanks to David – he had kept a hand on Blaine's shoulder for every possible second, hovering over him like a hawk, and had stared at him with a frightening intensity as he'd been re-welcomed back into the Warblers, and they'd tried to think of a good song to sing to Thad.

Blaine yawned again and sincerely hoped that David would calm down when Thad turned back up. David looked ready to collapse as he stood, eyes fixed onto the driveway up to the school, waiting for the moment when Thad's dad's car came towards them. He heard Sebastian give out a mixture of a groan and yawn.

"He should be here by now," commented Sebastian in a grouchy voice as he looked at his watch. "Where is he?" There was a pause before David yawned and shrugged.

"His parents are probably worrying about him and molly-coddling him. He'll be-" David broke off as Thad's car came up the path. David broke into a grin, Sebastian let out a loud sigh and Blaine found himself standing up straight. The car came to a stop in the parking lot, and Sebastian dashed towards him. David and Blaine groaned in unison because that meant they had to use their legs, which were heavy, but moved over to them anyway.

When they got there, Thad's parents were looking at Sebastian and Thad's very long hug. Blaine waited for them to break apart, Thad managing to grin up at Sebastian, and then Blaine leapt onto his friend. He pulled his definitely-skinnier-than-Blaine-had-thought-he-was friend into a tight embrace. Thad clenched onto him tightly, and Blaine wanted him to never let go because as long as he was holding onto Thad he knew that he was going to be okay. He let go and stepped back as he heard David clear his throat, demanding to hug Thad too. Blaine rolled his eyes as he watched David give him a strong hug and then hand him the letter and DVD from Wes.

"Thad," said his father, putting a hand on his shoulder. "are you absolutely sure that you're ready for this?" Thad looked at his dad, from his place in-between Blaine and Sebastian, and gave him a weak smile and nod.

"Dad, I'm going to be okay, I _promise_. You should just go to your meeting with the Headmaster. I need to go to lessons." Blaine didn't know whether Thad was really okay, or whether he was just lying, but he knew that the best thing for Thad was going to be trying to move on from it – being constantly reminded of what had happened wasn't likely to make him feel better.

"Alright, kid," he said, hugging his son. Thad gave his dad another smile that looked only a little bit laboured.

"Call us if you need anything, sweetheart," said his mother, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. Thad managed an eye roll.

"I will. Now, go!" The two of them walked towards the school, and Thad turned back to his friends. Blaine swallowed, grinning at him because Thad was back and that made things feel quite a bit better. There was an awkward silence. Thad looked at the ground. "Um…does the whole school know?" he asked, softly, and they all looked at him in mild confusion, and Blaine could see the insult hanging from Sebastian's lips. "About me being gay, I mean."

"Yeah," said David, gently. "It's not something that's, you know, _new_ to them…and it stopped any awkward questions." Thad nodded, looking mildly discomforted.

"Okay, I just wanted to check." There was another awkward silence before Sebastian put his hand onto Thad's shoulder, giving him an intent look.

"Come on, let's just go to lessons, but I should warn you that Mr Hart and his "_psychic circle_" will _freak out_ at the sight of you." Thad frowned at his friend in mild apprehension, and Blaine felt a small smile curve onto his lips whilst David rolled his eyes.

"They kept trying to contact your soul to guide you home," said David, rolling his eyes once more and looping his arm over Thad's shoulders, beginning to guide him towards the school. "Even _after_ we'd told them that you were awake and _fine_." Blaine waited, holding back his laughter, for Thad's reaction. It took a couple of seconds, but Thad eventually began to chuckle, shaking his head in amusement.

"Of course," he commented, dryly. "a perfectly natural thing to do."

"Perfectly _Dalton_," corrected David with a grin, and Blaine found himself laughing over something that wasn't really funny, again, as Sebastian hovered by Thad's shoulder with a smirk on his face for starting the conversation in the first place.

* * *

"How were your lessons?" asked David, plonking himself down his seat in the centre of the Warbler council table and turning to Thad, who was standing before his own seat with a look of mild hesitation on his face. Blaine, who was sitting on the sofa watching Sebastian stare at Thad, rolled his eyes because David had been _in_ most of them – Thad had been a little quiet, but had laughed every time that Sebastian had tried to make him.

"Okay," said Thad, shrugging and continuing to look at his chair. Blaine frowned at Thad as the patter of feet on the steps told them that the Warblers were entering. There were a couple of delighted cries from boys that hadn't seen Thad yet that day, and Thad obligingly hugged them all before retreating back to the table, still not sitting down.

"Thad?" asked Sebastian, who had done _something_ – David and Blaine had only found them giggling (yes, Sebastian had been _giggling)_ in the gym after – that had made Thad smile intermittently throughout their afternoon lessons, from his perch on the other corner of the Warbler council table. There was a moment in which every Warbler stared at him, minus Hunter, before Thad smiled.

"I'm fine," he said, pulling out his chair and taking a seat. He then glared up at Sebastian. "Get off the table," he snapped. Sebastian rolled his eyes, smirking, but hopped off the table obligingly and took his seat. There was an awkward silence before David took up the gavel, a pleased smile on his face, and banged it.

"Alright," he said, lifting his arm into the air to stop Sebastian snatching the gavel from him. "we don't have much to focus on except a send-off for Mr Albernay." There some sad nods from the Warblers, and Blaine pulled a face because he liked the old music director. "After all that he's done for us I think that we should make a big deal of this – we're not just going to give him one song and then say goodbye. I think a medley would be a good- _What_, Hunter?" David broke off in exasperation, glaring at the other boy.

"Am I the only person in here who is wondering why Thad is still on council?" There was a moment of utter quiet at that. Blaine felt himself stiffen, glancing over at Thad whose eyes were wide open in fear. Flicking his eyes along the table, Blaine saw Sebastian straighten up, a cold look appearing on his face, and David clasped his hands together and rested his forearms on the table, staring at Hunter.

"What's that meant to mean?" demanded Jeff, frowning and breaking the intimidating silence that was being radiated from David and Sebastian in an attempt to get Hunter to _back off_.

"That," said Hunter, not looking over at Jeff as he kept his sight trained onto the still looking Thad. "given his mental instability, don't you think it would be better to take him off the council?" Blaine clenched his jaw, taking in a sharp breath of anger. David's hand had clamped around Thad's wrist to stop him from going anywhere. Sebastian got to his feet and moved over to stand by Thad, towering over him like an imposing guardian and glaring at Hunter with a frightening look of _fury_.

"Do you want to repeat that statement?" he asked, coldly, and Blaine let himself sink back into the sofa because the best way to deal with the situation was clearly allowing Sebastian to tear into Hunter. He saw Nick sit back into Jeff's arms with a smirk as Trent rolled his eyes to the ceiling and folded his hands behind his head, waiting for the fireworks to go off. Hunter got to his feet.

"I said that, given his mental instability, he should be removed from the council. I don't think that there's a single person in this room that's comfortable taking orders from crazy faggot." Blaine felt his blood run cold and a feeling of nausea climb up his throat as a heavy silence fell over the group. Every single eye was trained, in disbelief, onto Hunter. What on _earth_ had made him say _that_?

Sebastian lunged forward. In a single second, he had vaulted over the table, grabbed Hunter by the lapels of his blazer and thrown him, bodily, across the room. Even as Blaine's mouth fell open in shock, Hunter went skidding over a table, sending chess pieces flying, and slammed into the ground with a great _thud_.

There was complete silence in Warbler hall. No one breathed. Hunter didn't move.

"Holy shit," came a voice from the doorway, breaking the shocked spell that hung over them. "that was epic!" Blaine clicked his neck as he spun his head round to see Finn Hudson standing in the doorway, looking at the scene with his mouth hung open. Involuntarily, Blaine felt a smile turn up the corners of his mouth at his words – Finn had clearly heard what Hunter had said – and quite a few of the Warblers let out laughs of shock.

"_Epic_?" demanded Hunter, pulling himself to his feet, face twisted into one of fury. "You call that _epic_? What are you, a primitive _caveman_? Oh, look there's someone being hurt; what _fun_!" Blaine glared at him whilst Finn shrugged, stepping into the room.

"You called him a, well, you know…" he seemed to struggle to find a supplement for the word "_faggot_", and Blaine saw Sebastian roll his eyes.

"I think the word you're looking for is faggot," he commented, dryly, not looking at Finn but instead keeping a level glare trained onto Hunter. "and that was not someone being hurt; that was someone getting the just desserts for insulting my best friend. Now, here's what's going to happen; you are going to walk out of this hall, you will pack your things and take your sorry ass _out_ of Dalton Academy." Hunter snorted incredulously.

"You can't _expel_ me." Sebastian narrowed his eyes, glaring at Hunter with a look that made Blaine shudder.

"Watch me." Hunter smirked at him, shaking his head in amusement.

"No, you don't understand; you _can't_ expel me – after everything that you did the Headmaster _assured_ me that he would be just as lenient with me as he was with you." There was another deafening silence. Blaine felt himself swallowing in horror as he watched the news crash down onto Sebastian, battering him with his failure. Blaine knew that he had nothing to say. Hunter smirked at them all imperiously.

"That's bullshit," said Finn, like this wasn't the moment when Sebastian finally regretted all of his past actions and wished that he had been a good person from the start because it was coming back to haunt him. "Dalton's got a zero-tolerance bullying policy _in_ school, right? And, I mean it was still terrible, but it wasn't technically, you know, _bullying_."

Blaine gaped at Finn in shock, comprehension slowly dawning, because he was _right_. Sebastian hadn't technically been _bullying_ them. He had been an utter _arsehole_, and he _should_ have been punished, but, especially when you considered what Thad had just been through, what Hunter had just done was completely different.

"Trent," said David, steadily, not letting go of Thad but taking his gaze off Hunter. "get the Headmaster." Trent ran from the room whilst Hunter took a step backwards, swallowing and glaring at Finn because Finn being there changed everything; he was an outsider that was unaffected by the disagreement between the Warblers and Hunter, and his testimony would, no doubt, affect things.

"Thanks Finn," breathed out Blaine, looking up the temporary leader of the New Directions. Finn grinned down at him, shrugging.

"No problem," he said, shrugging. "He can't just call people that." Blaine nodded, vaguely with a smile on his face. Then he frowned at him, wondering why he was here.

"Finn, what are you-"

"I just came to see that you were alright," he said, looking down at Blaine, and Blaine felt flawed because he'd hurt Kurt terribly so _why_ was he so concerned about Blaine? "I still care about you, man," said Finn, reading the look on his face. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright back at Dalton." Blaine swallowed at his words and smiled.

"I'm fine, Finn, but…thanks," he finished, lamely, not sure what to say. Finn nodded, putting his hands in his pockets.

"That's cool. I just wanted to check, and…" Finn trailed off, shooting Blaine an apologetic look. "I heard from Kurt…" Blaine swallowed, looking at the floor. "He didn't get into NYADA." Blaine felt something plummet inside of him as his mouth dropped open in disbelief.

"He _didn't_ get in?" he echoed in shock. "I- _what_? _How_?" Finn shrugged, looking upset over the fact that Kurt hadn't achieved his dream and gotten into NYADA.

"I don't know…" he sighed and opened his mouth, but snapped it shut again as their Headmaster walked into the room. He looked around the room with a critical eye; noting Sebastian's aggressive stance, Hunter's wary one, Thad's white face and David's hand clutching onto Thad for dear life.

"What is going on?" he demanded, softly. Blaine took in a short, sharp, breath, wondering who would be the best person to speak. Sebastian opened his mouth, but then hesitated, thinking. "Thad, are you alright?" Thad swallowed and went to nod. Then his eyes met Blaine, asking for advice. Blaine's told him to tell the truth.

"Hunter called me a crazy faggot," he whispered. Blaine turned his eyes back to the Headmaster who stood, stiffly, in the middle of Warbler hall, eyeing Hunter intently. Hunter stared at him evenly.

"That's true," said Finn, when the silence was too heavy, and Blaine was scared about the reasons for his Headmaster's silence because the situation was so clear cut; why did he need time to think? "I came here to see if Blaine was alright after his transfer and everything, and I heard the whole thing." His Headmaster's brown eyes fixed onto Finn before nodding.

"Hunter, three months detention, and weekly meetings with Mr Hunslow for however long he thinks it's necessary. Speak to Ms Moran about your punishment." Blaine closed his eyes, sinking back into the sofa, thanking the God that he was undecided over whether was up there for him taking that seriously. He had been terrified that he might brush it aside like he'd done Sebastian's attacks, but this was different; Thad was emotionally unstable and a risk to himself – he could not take any chances.

"Sir," said Nick, when everyone had taken the news in; Sebastian had walked over to Thad, who had his eyes closed, head bowed, and was holding David's hands, and the rest had sighed in relief. "I'm not sure I feel comfortable living with a homophobe." There was a pause as the Headmaster looked between them.

"Fair enough, Nick, Hunter you'll room in the faculty building – the solitary room – until your detention is up." Hunter was subjected to a very intense look. "I have to say I'm disappointed. I considered you a better person than Sebastian, but I doubt even he would have attacked someone when they're in this condition – you should consider the severity of what you've just done, and be thankful that I didn't expel you. Your place on the Warblers," he looked around the room at the stone-faced, furious, boys. "is up to them."

There was a moment of silence before their Headmaster nodded at them all and left the room. Finn shifted from foot to foot, clearly not sure what to do. Hunter took a seat on the table that he'd been thrown over, glaring defiantly at the three Warblers sat at the table, Sebastian having retaken his seat but was staring at Thad. Blaine swallowed, looking over at Nick and Jeff whose faces were blank. Nick's mouth twitched to say they were okay.

"I'm going to go…" said Finn, slowly. "I hope you're okay, Thad," he added. The brown haired boy, who was still stark white from at the comment, nodded and managed a weak smile.

"Yes, thank you…" Finn gave him a nervous smile. Blaine reached forward to bump his fist, trying to make some form of normality appear in the world. Finn nodded at everyone else and walked out, no doubt unnerved by the still quiet in the room, which Blaine had to admit was now really freaky. David swallowed and stared straight at Hunter.

"If I had it my way I'd throw you straight out of this room myself, but the Warblers are about equality and acceptance, which includes forgiveness, so I'll put it down to a vote; all in favour of keeping Hunter in the Warblers?" A couple of hands went up from the Freshmen, who Hunter had made a deliberate effort to befriend. The rest stayed down. David banged his gavel. "Hunter, you're expelled from the Warblers." Hunter rolled his eyes and got to his feet. "If, after your detention has been served and Mr Hunslow thinks you've changed, we'd be happy for you to reapply."

There was a stony silence after that, Blaine silently thinking that he didn't want Hunter back in the room that was a place of acceptance and love and music, but had to admit that it was a sad thing. Hunter had come and sat with them in respectful silence when Thad was in hospital; what was so different now?

* * *

It was only later, when Blaine was sitting at his desk with his homework, that he let his mind turn back to Kurt and NYADA. He could not _believe_ that Kurt had been rejected again; Kurt was an _incredible_ singer! Glancing at his phone, he wondered whether he should text him; offer some kind of condolence, but what could he say? He picked up the phone subconsciously and stared at it. Tentatively typed out the message;

_Kurt, I'm so sorry about NYADA. I would have thought that you were a cert. I hope that you work something out. You're amazing!_, and then wondered whether it was too conversational. He bit down on his bottom lip and then added;_ PS. Thad says thank you for coming to see him in hospital.-Blaine_, and sent it because it seemed less personal that way.

He put his phone down, swallowing nervously and remembering how the only thing that Thad had really said after the Hunter debacle was that he really appreciated the support of the New Directions, and he was especially grateful for Kurt coming to see him in hospital, something he had already said to them but never mind.

_Thank you, is Thad feeling better?-Kurt_.

Blaine stared at Kurt's response for a moment, wondering what to say, but then decided that there was absolutely no point mentioning Hunter because it wasn't Kurt's problem to deal with. Thad was on the mend, it would take time for him to heal, and that ought to be their main focus.

_Thad's better, yeah.-B_

He deliberately made his message vague, as well as trying to lengthen it because it was so hard to see the stilted nature of their conversation, even if only through text message. They were uptight and polite, not talking about what had happened to Kurt but fixing on someone else because it was easier.

_That's good.-K_

_Yeah, it really is…_, he began, because he wanted to say something more. He wanted to say something meaningful that might be able to rekindle their friendship. _Thank you for coming to see him, it really helped to know that you were there, even if he didn't talk to you because it showed that, you know, other people cared about him. I think it's helped give him some more courage.-B_

The moment after he'd sent the text, he saw his mistake. He had turned off his brain for a second, allowing his fingers to simply type out what felt natural and right because this was _Kurt_, and he'd managed to put his foot back into the mess. Why had he mentioned courage? He had to admit that the support of Kurt's presence had strengthened something in him, knowing that there were people out there in the gay community that wouldn't take advantage of his desperate circumstances in the way that Eli had; it gave him hope and belief.

_I'm sorry-B_

He added, quickly, and knew that Kurt would not respond after he had reminded him of everything that they had had, and everything that Blaine had destroyed for them. He put his phone down, putting his head in his hands, and wondered just what the hell was he even _doing_?


	15. Chapter 15

**_Dear Readers, _**

**_Once more, I just want to thank you for the support of this story whether by reading, following, favouriting or reviewing, especially the 150+ followers. I'm on half term this week so I'll try and get quite a bit of writing done, but the most recent episode of the show has given me a lot of food for thought - I'm suddenly stumped as to what I want to happen at the wedding given I have several different ideas bouncing around in my head, so I may just end up staring at the computer screen whilst I think intensely and get side-tracked and distracted...oh well, the story is a long way from there so I should be able to continue updating every week._**

**_I hope you enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"A__ll art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up." _― James Baldwin

* * *

_This is the way you left me_

_I'm not pretending_

_No hope, no love, no glory_

_No happy ending_

Kurt looked nervously around the room with his eyes that were mildly timid because he could be making the single biggest mistake of his life in this moment. After all, who had a solo sprung on them in the middle of the NYADA Winter Showcase and then got up and sang _Mika_? However, he'd started now, and he couldn't back out; it was all or nothing.

_This is the way that we love_

_Like it's forever_

_Then live the rest of our life_

_But not together_

Still, if he focused very hard he could almost visualise Blaine at the back of the hall, staring at him with his wide hazel eyes that still looked remarkably innocent, but were also haunted, as he tried to comprehend, like Kurt, that they would never be together again because it was broken apart before them; it was forever, forever, I'll _never_ say goodbye, I'll _always_ love you, but now it was gone. No more forever for either of them.

_Wake up in the morning_

_Stumble on my life_

_Can't get no love_

_Without sacrifice_

He looked around at eyes that stared, judgingly, up at him as he sung about the fact that letting go of Blaine – someone he loved more than almost anyone else – was the only way that Blaine had seen of Kurt being happy again, and Kurt had to believe that otherwise everything that he was doing was pointless. He had to believe that letting go of Blaine would mean that he could regain the happiness that came with falling, deeply, in love.

_If anything should happen_

_I guess I wish you well_

_Ooh a little bit of heaven_

_Or a little bit of hell_

Part of that letting go meant that he had to become ambivalent to Blaine's life and choices, something he hadn't quite managed yet, but there really was nothing more or less he could do now because Blaine would not tell him anything more, and some part of him was glad because he didn't want any more pain or heartbreak, but it still cut through him; that deception and lack of trust.

_This is the hardest story_

_That I've ever told_

_No hope or love or glory_

_Happy endings gone forevermore_

Despite the fact that it would have been one of the last songs that he would have considered doing for his audition, he realised that it was quite a good song for showcasing the different aspects of his voice anyway. He chanced a look at Rachel, feeling vulnerable about baring himself open like this in front of so many people, but he saw her encouraging smile, and Brody's nod of approval, and knew he was doing this right.

_I feel as if I'm wasting_

_And I wasted every day…_

He graced his voice up to the high note and saw people sit up, looking impressed by his voice. He glanced over at Carmen. She was sitting back in her chair, looking ambivalent, but there was something about the way that she wasn't cutting him off – maybe she wouldn't be allowed to do this – and saying that he was simply selling himself to them when he wasn't; maybe she really understood that this was him sharing his heart with every other person in the room. Maybe she understood that he felt that he'd wasted so much time trying to understand Blaine when he didn't want to be understood. That he'd wasted time that could be used to move on and find happiness by trying to rekindle a candle that had been burnt to a stump.

_If I pretend that nothing_

_Ever went wrong_

_I can get to my sleep_

_I can think that we just carried on…_

Kurt couldn't pretend that his eyelids weren't mildly heavy, and that he wasn't exhausted to the bone with everything that had happened between them. He couldn't pretend that he didn't dream about Blaine dragging him down that hallway, singing _Teenage Dream_, kissing him, dancing with him, transferring, "_Sebastian doesn't mean __**anything**__ to me_", leaping in front of the slushee, winning Nationals, graduating, the look on his face in the park, the scream in the hallway, the way he looked for Sebastian for help and how he'd turned around and been allowed to walk away…

And it was ridiculously hard to deal with. It was impossible to forget Blaine. It was impossible to forget everything that had happened between them or pretend that they had never been so madly in love that they would have spent the rest of their lives together. If Blaine hadn't have decided that whatever had happened was better kept a secret than he was left with this; this was what Blaine had left him in return, and all Kurt could do was build something better out of it.

He glanced at Carmen and saw that she had relaxed into her seat and was watching him passively, not actively scrutinising each note that passed from his mouth, and that made him feel more confident. He looked at Rachel, who was sitting at the end of her seat, face alight with excitement. He could see Brody nodding, telling him to keep going; more, _more_, **_more_**, and that he was doing perfectly.

_Little bit of love, little bit of love_

His eyes locked onto Rachel's and felt a tiny smile curve across his face as the backing became slightly more upbeat because everything he had to look forward to was in this room, and he couldn't help but smile and move along as he looked around and saw all the faces that had been startled or incredulous or dismissive were now impressed, interested or pleased.

_Little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love…_

He grinned even more as Rachel got nervously to feet, clearly not sure whether she was allowed to do this, and sang the backing part, clapping along. People looked at her in shock, but as they looked at each other they were both thinking exactly the same thing; they didn't have to conform to all the rules that were set – they were here to make something of themselves, and they had to take risks and do new things to achieve that.

_Mmm, little bit of love_

_Little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love…_

Now Brody was also on his feet, singing and clapping along too, no doubt in an attempt to back Rachel and support her as she took the plunge, but Kurt knew that he was also doing it because they were friends. One glance at his both nervous and excited face confirmed that this had not happened before.

_Little bit of love_

_Little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love…_

Other students were getting to their feet, clearly taking pleasure at doing something new and the chance to be part of the performance at the Winter Showcase where they otherwise might have to simply sit and applaud others. He could see Carmen looking around the hall, noting who was on their feet, but she didn't look angry or upset. In fact, she looked _interested_ in what was happening. This was how things had happened in Ohio, and, as Kurt moved along to the song with a confident smile on his face because he had the support of the entire audience were all clapping, he felt proud that he'd managed to make that work in the big city. He'd taken one of the best parts of his high school career and managed to successfully transplant it into New York. Blaine hadn't worked, but this did; he could do this.

_Little bit of love, little bit of love, little bit of love, love_

_I feel as if I'm wasting_

_And I wasted every day_

And the high notes were nothing when he had a hall of talented sings backing him up. He pushed his arms out slightly, bent at the elbows with his fingers splayed and closed his eyes, allowing himself to _enjoy_ this because performing was a part of who he was, and he hadn't done something like this since that day that seemed so long ago in the courtyard of McKinley.

_Hey, hey, hey, hey_

_This is the way you left me_

_I'm not pretending_

_No hope, no love, no glory_

_No happy ending_

He had the sudden realisation that he should have simply listened to what he'd said to Finn on that day. _That_ performance, which had drawn back people that had lost their hope, was exactly what he should have put on that tape because he had been completely _right_;

_This is the way that we loved_

_Like it's forever_

_Then live the rest of our lives_

_But not together_

…"_Why can't you? The glee club might be over, yeah, but that doesn't mean we lose our right to sing…The choir room was just somewhere that was safe, it didn't make the music…that was __us…__That's the best thing about your voice…no matter where you are or who you're with or what you're doing, you can always use it to express how you feel. It's not something that anyone can take away from you – your voice is yours…__**always**__."…_

_This is the way you left me_

_I'm not pretending_

_No hope, no love, no glory_

_No happy ending_

At the end, despite the fact that all the backing had dropped back and it was the same piano accompaniment as the beginning, he didn't sound vulnerable. It was like in that song he'd managed to condense everything that he'd been through since Blaine had told him what had happened in the park. He'd managed to show everyone his journey through the heartbreak and the pain and the confusion to the tired, weary, state and finally to the place where he was now – moving on and looking forward.

As he took several bows, soaking up the applause with a smile because his standing ovation was just as loud as Rachel's, he knew that there was nothing more he could have done this time round. This time he had given everything. He felt one single tear slip, rather subtly, from his left eye, but he was mourning – he was mourning the loss of his old life, Blaine and all that they might have had, but this was his last homage to that life.

* * *

Kurt had never imagined that simply _waiting_ for something could be so painful. After he'd gotten down off the giddying high that had been his performance, and Rachel's winning of the Winter Showcase, he'd realised that he spent every day in a state of perpetual anxiety. Whilst he could think of no reason for Carmen to reject him from NYADA now, he couldn't escape the chest tightening worry that he felt every time he checked the mail and saw that there was no letter from them. He knew that they would write to him even if he was rejected so the absence of a letter ought not to worry him, but at the same time, given the fact that Carmen had told him face to face that she hadn't liked his tape, maybe she didn't think there was a need.

It was impossible to focus because he'd put himself on the line for that shot of redemption, but what if someone better had turned up on tape? What if there was someone who didn't _need_ to be redeemed? What if she gave the spot he'd undoubtedly bought himself at the Showcase to someone else? Nothing was certain, and Kurt knew that there were other people out there that were as talented as him.

Both Brody and Rachel had attempted to abate his fears, mainly by telling him that he was more the subject of conversation than Rachel – the winner – which _never_ happened. They'd told him that people were impressed by the risk that he'd taken and were even more surprised at the way he'd pulled it off; especially making everyone getting up and joining in to appear completely natural instead of the ground-breaking thing that it was, but even that couldn't stop the niggling doubts that had wormed their way into his mind.

The only good thing about the doubts was that they kept his mind firmly off Blaine because he was too stressed about NYADA and the will-I-won't-I scenarios he'd come up with in his head to worry or linger on what Blaine might be doing at Dalton, or worse, what he and _Sebastian_ were doing.

He did, however, spare a couple of thoughts a day on Thad and hoping that he was getting better. A skim over the Facebook of the Dalton boys told him that there had been a very serious "_incident_" with Hunter – Kurt wasn't sure what had happened because it never _said_; there was always either an ellipsis or asterisk which meant they didn't have to say anything more – that had resulted in him being thrown out of the Warblers, put in a solitary room in the faculty building, given three months of detention and counselling sessions, but he could also tell that Thad had gotten over it okay.

He was glad that, from what he could gleam whilst avoiding all mention of Blaine and Sebastian, Thad really did seem to be getting better. Most people commented that he smiled and laughed a lot, and that it was honestly hard to believe that it had happened because he was very similar. That, alone, made Kurt worry because he found it hard to believe that all of Thad's fear and anxieties had just appeared out of nowhere – he had to have had them before which meant if he was the same… Kurt wasn't sure, but it worried him slightly. However, he got the feeling that, between them, the Dalton boys would be smart enough to work that out; they knew him far better than Kurt ever had or would.

Rachel made sure that Kurt didn't starve himself to death via anxiety. He wasn't trying to do it, or was even consciously aware that he wasn't eating, but when he got nervous he couldn't handle simply sitting still. He needed to be on his feet and actively doing something because he found it was very easy for his mind to wonder. He lived off coffee, and he wondered whether there was a maximum limit to the amount of caffeine one was supposed to put into their bloodstream, but then discarded it because it was _coffee_.

Kurt was sure that, until the NYADA letter came and gave him a definite yes or no, he would slowly be driven insane with the uncertainty of his situation. He'd learnt that if there was thing that he absolutely could _not_ handle than it was ambivalence. Blaine's silence and refusal to tell him everything had done his head in more than his actual betrayal; he needed the situations to be clear cut otherwise he would slowly go mad due to the back and forth arguments in his brain, but, unfortunately, life had too many shades of grey… far more than fifty.

He shuddered at the thought of that piece of trash that was masquerading as literature and fixed his gaze back onto his computer screen. He had no idea what he was meant to be doing and rubbed his forehead, taking off his headset to give himself some time to get his mind back on the right track because he'd been doing such a good job of keeping his mind away from Blaine and what had happened. He could not believe that he'd let himself down now, but, then again, what did he expect? Blaine had a nasty habit of creeping up on him when he least expected it.

"Kurt," Kurt looked up at Isabelle, who had obviously walked past his desk and caught him staring blankly into space. "you should go home early, catch a break." Kurt sighed, eyeing the computer screen tiredly before shaking his head.

"No, I should stay and get-"

"Okay then, Kurt, _go_ home and catch a break." Kurt rolled his eyes as his boss gave him a serious look that told him that there was no way he would be allowed to stay and work when he was exhausted and unproductive. Smiling at the amazing nature of his job, something he'd still have even if he didn't get into NYADA, he nodded in agreement.

"Alright, only because it's an order," Isabelle rolled her eyes at him.

"I wouldn't dream of thinking anything else," she commented. Kurt snorted, smiling some more, and logged off his computer on auto-pilot as Isabelle moved off, getting caught up in another conversation with someone else. Kurt rubbed his eyes as he got to his feet, hooking his bag onto his shoulder and smiling politely at the other people there, who all wished him goodnight and said that they hoped that he heard from NYADA soon.

He got home a little later than normal, having walked slowly and meandered, in an attempt to delay the inevitable sinking his chest when he saw that the postman hadn't brought anything more than takeaway menus, bills or adverts. He hated the way he felt; sick, nervous, relieved and dismayed, because he had to carry that feeling around with him up until he collapsed into blissful sleep sometime in the middle of the night, after he'd lain awake turning over the "_what ifs_" in his mind.

The worst thing, though, was the way that it reminded him of his and Blaine's situation because he'd spent so many times lying awake trying to discern Blaine's motives and understand what had genuinely happened. He had been left with no feeling of accomplishment after it, either, because he couldn't fathom the deepest deaths of Blaine's mind and heart. He couldn't navigate his thoughts and understand him without having to think. A spanner had dropped into the works, and Kurt couldn't dislodge it, and he was meant to not be _trying_ to.

Frustrated at his lack of self-discipline for allowing Blaine thinking time, he snatched up the letters as he stomped over the kettle to make himself coffee. He dumped the letters down, stopping himself from frantically searching through it to see if the stamp from NYADA was there, and put the kettle onto boil before turning on the heating and finding himself a cosy fleece because the house was _freezing_ after being unoccupied for the entire day.

He exercised the self-discipline that he felt that he was lacking by waiting for his coffee to be at that perfect drinking temperature before turning towards the letters that were sitting, innocently, on the counter-top like they may not have the power to decide Kurt's future. He glared at the inanimate objects for a little moment, re-warming his hands around the mug before sliding the letters over to him.

He piled the adverts and takeaway menus into one pile, taking note of anything that may be relatively healthy and decent to eat but finding that there wasn't much on offer except burgers, pizzas and, no doubt, sub-standard curries. He put the ones that simply said "_homeowner_" into another pile because that was for both him and Rachel to pour over in a manner that would make them wish that they were still living in Ohio with their parents looking after them.

Then, lying passively at the bottom of the pile, Kurt saw a white envelope, his name visible through the clear plastic window of the envelope. He put down his coffee cup, gently, before picking up the letter with fingers that trembled slightly. He could see NYADA's logo in red ink stamped in the corner, next to the stamp. He swallowed, trying to push away the sickening feeling of nerves that was rising up inside him, attempting to constrict his chest. This was it.

Turning the envelope over, Kurt stared at the neatly printed return address on the back in case it was delivered to the wrong person. He opened the draw for cutlery and picked up a knife, slitting the letter open because his fingers were trembling so badly that he was afraid he might rip the letter into pieces and destroy any evidence that he may have gotten into NYADA, or maybe it would be better to tear it up so that he didn't have to see another rejection after he'd gotten the one last year…not to mention Carmen's ruthless opinion on some of his performances.

Taking a deep, steadying, breath, Kurt put the knife down and carefully pulled out the letter that was folded up neatly. He put the envelope down and walked around for a little bit, holding onto the letter as tightly as he could to stop his hands from trembling, and tried to find the courage to open the letter and read what was said inside. He came to a stop, suddenly, taking a deep breath, closing his eyes, and unfurled the letter.

His eyes scanned the text on the page as quickly as they possibly could, heart thudding harder than he thought was possible considering he was only reading a _letter_. He swallowed, tears pooling into his eyes as he gasped in air through his mouth, not entirely sure whether he could believe what had been said. He turned it over and double checked that it was his name on the letter;

_Kurt Hummel_

It was definitely meant for him. He blinked rapidly, mouth slightly open as he kept breathing as deeply and steadily as he could, something pounding in his head as he tried to comprehend it. He took another deep breath and looked up, with watery eyes, as he heard the door slide open.

Rachel walked in, and Kurt watched as her face fell at the sight of his watery eyes. She looked at the letter in his hands, and Kurt attempted to find some words to say to her. Suddenly, his mind had gone completely numb and blank. He could barely _think_.

"What does it say?" she asked in a hoarse whisper, all her feelings of uncertainty, nerves and excitement seeping through into her voice. Kurt swallowed, suddenly trying to remember how to speak because he couldn't get the words that were spinning around in his head out of his mouth. He watched as Rachel took a couple of steps towards him. He blinked, rapidly, before opening his mouth, sure that he could articulate this time.

"I got in," he said in a choked voice, shrugging. Her face transitioned into one of delighted happiness as the news sunk in. Then she let out a squeal and ran to hug him. He hugged her tightly as she crushed his ribs, the good news finally settling in; he was _in_. He was going to _NYADA_!

When he'd first seen the words on the page it had been like looking at it through a hazy mirror. It was all blurred and unreal because, despite all the things that he knew about his talent and what he'd done at the Showcase, he could not quite _believe_ it. He didn't know why, but it had been impossible to believe because Carmen didn't give second chances! He had not only gotten a second chance, but she'd written, diverting from the standard printing for applicants, that he was a brave, soulful, young man that knew how to communicate all the emotions that he had inside of him; sadness, loss, longing, happiness, hope, and to open himself up to people he didn't know in a completely honest manner and take a dramatic risk and pull it off. She said that she admired his nerves and was impressed by the way he'd managed to connect to all the people in the hall – including her. She said that his courage and talent were incomparable to most of the students in NYADA.

Reading those words had been like reading something that was written in a foreign language. He had not been able to imagine her saying those words to him; not able to see her mouth moving or hear her speaking, and that had made him unable to believe it. Part of his mind was touched and amazed whilst the more mistrusting, sceptical, part had been sure that it was a practical joke.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Rachel, stepping back and looking up at him in unrestrained happiness. "I _knew_ that you would get in!" Kurt nodded, wiping his eyes, and overwhelmed because he was so relieved and overjoyed and proud of himself for having the confidence to go through with what he had.

"Yeah…" he said, not sure what else he could say. "I just-" he put a hand to his forehead, shaking it and feeling like there was water inside of it. He felt slow and soggy.

"You should call your dad," said Rachel. "He'll be delighted!" Kurt nodded, fumbling for his phone. "I'll cook us a celebratory dinner!" Kurt nodded as he headed for his room. He closed the door, leaning against it. He took some deep, calming, breaths as he dialled his dad's number.

"_Kurt?"_ asked his dad. _"Everything alright?"_ Kurt rolled his eyes because why did his dad always assume that something was wrong when he called him? However, he was not going to get into that now. His dad's paranoia of him getting hurt would have to wait for a less joyous day.

"Yes, of course. I just- I just wanted to tell you that…_I- I got into NYADA_!" he said it very quickly, spitting out the news because he wanted to hear what his dad had to say. He wanted to hear that he was proud of him. He wanted to hear everything that he had to say that was good, and wonderful, about Kurt. He _needed_ to hear that.

"_Kurt, that's- that's…I'm so proud of you,"_ his dad managed to choke out, eventually. Kurt felt the smile spread across his face, not needing to think of anything else to say as his dad took in a deep breath. _"I knew that you'd get it…My son at NYADA – you did it."_ Kurt smiled, understanding what his dad was saying; after everything that had happened to him he had managed to achieve his dream. _"I can't tell you how proud I am."_

"I know," he said because he could hear it in his voice. "thanks for…_everything_…I wouldn't be here without you."

"_Neither would I, Kurt,"_ said his dad, honestly, and Kurt swallowed, allowing the smile to spread across his face. There was a silence between them. _"I guess, I'll let you get back to spreading the word to your friends."_ Kurt nodded.

"Okay, yeah,"

"_You're not coming back for Christmas, are you?"_ Kurt allowed a pause to hang over them before letting out a long sigh.

"No, dad, I'm going to spend my holiday in my new home." There was another pause.

"_I thought as much. Alright, Kurt, you take of yourself. I love you. Bye."_

"Both of them the same to you, bye." he replied, and he heard his dad hang up. He sighed, leaning his head back against the door as he breathed out. He was going to NYADA. He was going to _NYADA_.

It took him about ten minutes to alert the rest of the New Directions apart from Blaine of his success. There were lots of squeals from the girls, not Santana naturally, and a hearty rounds of congratulations from the guys. He was feeling elated, but he knew that he had to tell Blaine. After their conversation about him _not_ getting into NYADA, he knew that it would be at least _polite_ to tell him what had happened. He also didn't want Finn to feel obliged to tell Blaine himself like last time. Sighing, and mentally preparing himself for whatever Blaine may say, he dialled Blaine's number and pressed the phone to his ear.

"_Kurt,"_ came a cool voice after the phone had rung for some time. _"I don't think we've had the pleasure."_ Kurt frowned, not sure who he was talking to.

"Who is this?" he asked. There was a long pause in which the other person chuckled over the line.

"_It's Hunter…Blaine's run off with Sebastian somewhere,"_ Kurt felt his mood darken in a second. _"would you like me to pass on a message?"_ Kurt swallowed, feeling hatred and anger bubbling through him for no reason other than his good mood had been spoilt.

"Tell Blaine that I got into NYADA because he broke up with me…I guess you could say that I want to _thank_ him." He hung up before Hunter could reply; why had he said that? That wasn't moving on – that was _jealousy_.


	16. Chapter 16

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_I was meaning to update earlier because I was on holiday, but then I started doing my school work (because I'm organised like that), and I'm pretty sure that it killed off my ability to write anything that wasn't an essay; I only started writing again on Thursday, so that didn't happen! Anyway, I'm updating today instead, and there's something that I want to clear up._**

**_I'm almost certain that I've said this previously in an earlier author note, but vball3610 left a review asking about it so I'd thought I'd say it again; this story will run for the rest of Season 4 - for the rest of Blaine's Senior year - or however you want to think about. I have no idea how long that will actually be, but I do know - basically - where this is going. _**

**_To Chrisch; I would love to hear your thoughts and answer your questions, so you could leave them in a review, and I can answer them like this, or you could send me a PM - if you have an account - and I could answer like that. It's up to you, but I would be happy for you to do that; it's not a bother, believe me._**

**_Thanks again for all the suppot, and enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_ ― Lao Tzu

* * *

"_THAAAAD_!" Blaine jerked upright, eyes flying open, heart pounding, at the ear splitting cry. Looking wildly around the dark room, Blaine saw the outline of David's figure hurtling towards the door. Gasping for air, heart still hammering from fear, Blaine swung himself out of his bed and chased his roommate out of their room.

"_David_!" he cried as David struggled to open Thad and Sebastian's door, rattling the doorknob loudly as he failed to get in. "David, just-" David threw himself through the door, stumbling into the dark room, and Blaine, taking another deep breath, leapt after him, tripping over something that was lying on the floor and crashing to ground. He glared at the carpet, cursing David's name until he the sounds of David's sobs processed with his brain. He pushed himself up and froze at what he saw.

David was on his knees, face pressed into Thad's side as his shoulders shook as he cried from relief – no doubt only just remembering that Thad was out of hospital, and that he was _fine_. However, it wasn't that that surprised him, but where Thad was. Thad wasn't lying asleep in his own bed, but was, instead, curled up against Sebastian's side. His head was nestled on Sebastian's right shoulder, nose pressed into his neck. His right arm was across Sebastian's chest, hand right over his heart, and the left was bunched into the fabric of Sebastian's t-shirt. The most surprising thing, though, was that Sebastian was still awake. He was lying in his bed, headphone trailing from his left ear, and looking rather unfazed by David and Blaine's arrival.

"Bastian?" he asked as he got to his feet, plonking himself down at the end of Sebastian's bed and putting a hand on David's shoulder. Sebastian turned off his iPod, reaching over Thad's head to put it on his bedside table, and yawned.

"He got a bit upset," said Sebastian in a steady voice as David wiped his eyes, looking up. "He said he felt like he was going to drift away…" There was a rather choked quality to his voice, and Blaine got the impression that those words frightened him just as much as, if not more so, they did Blaine. Blaine took a deep breath because that was just- it was _frightening_ to hear that he wasn't all here, but, the more he thought about it, it seemed that Thad had a desire to live – or at least not lie to Sebastian – because he'd told him. "He said he was _scared_."

"That's good," admitted David as he rubbed a hand over his eyes, patting Sebastian's shoulder with the other because Sebastian sounded like he was about to burst into tears, probably because he had no idea what to do. Blaine nodded along with David's words because Thad was being _honest_ with them. Nothing else mattered because this meant they could keep him safe from himself. "Though I have to ask why your immediate reaction was to invite him into your bed."

There was a pause in which, to Blaine's surprise, Sebastian stared at him through the darkness. Blaine blinked, not sure what was going on, and then looked at David, who shrugged. Sebastian let out a huffy sound that told Blaine that he'd rolled his eyes.

"To be an anchor," he said in his why-are-you-_so_-dumb? voice that made Blaine roll his eyes even though he was glad to not have the near-crying-because-he-felt-useless-and-like-a-failure Sebastian anymore.

"I didn't know you'd listened to me," he admitted because Sebastian had been highly preoccupied by Thad's attempted suicide at the time. There was a very unnerving pause in which Sebastian projected a disdainful air onto Blaine for thinking that Sebastian _hadn't_ listened to what he'd said – sometimes Sebastian's change was so drastic that it was unbelievable.

"Well I did – it wasn't stupid." Blaine snorted along with David as he watched his roommate peel back the covers and give Sebastian a pointed look. Eventually, Sebastian rolled his eyes and moved over, gently bringing Thad with him. The sleeping boy stirred, gently, but settled right back against Sebastian when he stopped moving. David curled up against him, putting his head on his shoulder, and closed his eyes, exhaling slowly.

Blaine decided, in that moment, that he didn't really want to leave. He didn't want to walk out the room and be alone when he could be with his three friends, wrapped up in warmth and safety. He didn't want to leave on the one night Sebastian was opening up his bed – and _that_ sounded really odd and kind of wrong, but Blaine couldn't think of another way to put it – to them and finally seemed to _really_ understand that they needed each; _all_ of them. Sebastian wasn't exempt or the exception anymore because, though he was sarcastic and annoying and scathing, he cared about them and they cared about him just as much.

He pushed himself off the bed and snatched up Thad's pillow. He saw Sebastian watch him as he picked up the end of the covers and tucked himself underneath. He rested his head against the pillow, and a second later Sebastian's foot painfully collided with his shin. He growled.

"_Bastian_…" he said in a threatening tone of voice. "if you kick me again I'll- _OWW_!"

"_Bastian_?" Thad had awoken, elbowing David in the stomach and causing him to go tumbling off the bed, dragging the blanket with him.

"Go back to sleep," said Sebastian in a calm tone of voice, like this sort of thing happened every day, and, after some confused muttering to himself, Thad put his head back on Sebastian's shoulder. Blaine shivered slightly in the cold, but David was back on his feet and had flung the duvet over them all.

"Bastian, I'll kill you if you kick me again," threatened Blaine.

"He's not scared of you," commented David from where his head was lying next to Thad's.

"Night Bastian…" said Thad through his yawn, seemingly oblivious to what was going on.

"Night Thad." There was a moment of silence in which Blaine was sure that David was sniggering at Sebastian's automatic response, and the way his arms had wrapped around Thad protectively. There was a quiet whisper. Then Sebastian's foot collided with Blaine's shin again.

"_Bastian_!" he roared, glaring at the boy, who was sniggering, leaning his cheek against Thad's hair, who was giggling into Sebastian's chest. David was laughing, loudly. Blaine rolled his eyes and muttered "_traitors_" loud enough for the others to hear, but when he'd planted his face back into the pillow, he couldn't help but join in with his own chuckles.

* * *

"How are your shins?" asked Sebastian, blithely, gaze still focused on the front of the classroom. Blaine glared at him, silently cursing the fact that the empty seats were always next to Sebastian. Thad and David were hiding their laughter behind their copies of _Frankenstein_. Blaine glared over at them too.

"Bruised," he replied with a scowl. "You _so_ did not do that to Thad."

"Thad wasn't stupid enough to sleep by my feet, neither was David. I told you that you were stupid." Blaine stabbed his hand with the end of his biro. Sebastian hissed and reached for his compass. Thad's hand came out of nowhere and snatched it from the case before Sebastian could touch it.

"Play nicely," he said, turning the page and looking back at the book. David was pressing a hand over his mouth to stop himself from bursting out into hysterics, book shaking as he suppressed his laughter. Blaine rolled his eyes as he looked back at the text. A second later a pen stabbed into his hand.

"_Son-of-a-bitch_!" he hissed, glaring at the indentation that Sebastian's fountain pen had made in his skin. He glared at him, shoving the hand into his face. "That broke the _skin_!" he exclaimed. Sebastian brushed it away, rolling his eyes.

"I'm trying to concentrate."

"_Bastian_!"

"You shouldn't have done it first," Blaine growled under his breath, but was stopped from snapping back by David's laughter finally breaking free. He snorted at the two of them, bending double over the desk.

"_David_!"

"You guys aren't exactly being discreet you-"

"_BOYS_!" The four of them jumped, staring innocently at Mrs Henderson as she glared at them. She deflated the moment that she knew she had their attention, and her glare toned down into a look of disapproval. "As glad as I am to have you all in this class and to see you laughing and smiling, _please_ concentrate." There was an awkward pause in which Thad fiddled with his fingers in a nervous manner, David suppressed his laughter and Blaine and Sebastian just gave each other evils.

"Yes, Mrs Henderson," they chorused. Their teacher glared at all of them, daring them to cause any kind of disruption in the lesson again, before turning back to the class in general.

"Now, as I was saying, the different narrative perspectives in _Frankenstein_…"

* * *

Blaine could tell that all the Warblers were tenser than yesterday when he took his seat in the nearest chair to the council table. Nick came to sit next to him with Jeff, who put an arm around Nick's shoulder and pulled him close, and Trent perched on the arm of the sofa. Thad was once more staring at his seat like he didn't want to sit down, and, this time, Blaine knew that Sebastian and David were going to chase up on it.

"Thad," said Sebastian as all the Warblers sat in silence, staring worriedly at their council member. "is there something on your seat?" Thad looked over at him with a confused frown.

"What?" Sebastian rolled his eyes and looked at David. David sighed.

"Why aren't you sitting down?" he asked, gently. Blaine saw Thad look around the room with tear-filled eyes and sat up straighter in alarm. Thad shrugged, swallowing, as Nick shifted in a manner that suggested he wanted to get up and hug Thad, but didn't feel like he could.

"Maybe Hunter was right," he whispered. Every person in the room stiffened. Blaine suddenly forgot how to breathe. He was pretty sure that his heart had stopped beating. _No_.

"What did you say?" asked Sebastian in a cool voice, getting to his feet. Thad looked around the room again, swallowing.

"I can't make decisions," he whispered. "I can't- I just _can't_." He put his head in his hands, whole body trembling, and Blaine leapt to his feet as Sebastian and David slid themselves over the table to run to his side. The three of them stood around him, arms outstretched, but Blaine knew that they, like him, were at a loss for what to do because it wasn't _just_ Hunter. Thad hadn't wanted to sit down _before_ Hunter had said what he had; he was doubting himself, scared and not at all sure how to deal with everything that was crammed inside him.

"Sing," he whispered, suddenly, because that's what they'd told him to do when he had been trying to deal with it on his own. Thad had no words to try and explain what he felt, Blaine could see him struggling to try and find the words that could come _close_, but Blaine also knew that they didn't really exist. However, Blaine did know that if Thad thought hard enough, he could find the lyrics to express it all.

_When your tears are spent on your last pretence_

_And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defence_

He sang in a trembling, quavering, voice as he raised his head from his hands. Blaine swallowed, understanding those feelings so well; when he'd burst into tears in the hall when he'd realised that they could help and understand, when Kurt had torn into him in his home and when he'd been reduced to a sobbing wreck over had happened to Thad because he was not able to deal with any of it all…crying was the only way they had to release their emotions, but it tore away at your strength, and it left you so tired, but so unable to rest.

_When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles_

_And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while_

He looked over at Blaine at that, meeting his eyes, and Blaine understood some more. Thad was still achingly, crushingly, _tired_. Blaine knew that his limbs were lead weights, his eyes heavy lidded, and that he had no purpose or drive or fight left in him. He was so _tired_ of everything, and, _God_, if Blaine knew that feeling.

The Warblers burst into immediate harmony as Blaine swallowed, looking over at David and Sebastian. David had a hand resting on his head, eyes closed for whatever reason, and was breathing deeply. Sebastian was pale faced, taut mask in place, but the give away were his eyes; peeled wide open in alarm and terrified understanding that Thad was still too tired to feel like there was a _point_ to any of this...He just wanted to be still...at peace..._dead_...

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up_

_And I will hide you when it gets too much_

Tears had filled his eyes when he broke in because Blaine understood all of what Thad felt, but he still felt powerless to do anything to help. So he pulled him a bone-crushing hug, rubbing his hands up and down his back because it was still the same; they could be there for each other and share comfort, understanding and love.

_I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you_

And he wasn't letting go or turning away because, despite what the others might say, a lot of this was Blaine's fault. Thad had tried to be strong for him; had felt like he _had to_ be strong when he couldn't be, and that had helped destroy him. So Blaine had to do everything he could, offer everything he had, so that Thad knew that they were equals in this...that he wasn't _alone_...

_When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath_

_And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless_

Thad was looking at David, and Blaine took several steps back, proud of himself for thinking this up. He watched as David inhaled sharply; knowing that Thad was talking about why he'd done what he'd done, letting David in and explaining why he hadn't let him in the room – it was all too blurred together for him to ever pick it apart, but, at the same, it was the blurring of the lines that had tipped him over the edge in the first place.

_When you try to speak but you make no sound_

_And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud_

His hands were trembling furiously as he spoke straight to David, and Sebastian, and Blaine – all of them, whether they knew it or not – about how he felt. Blaine knew that Thad wanted to be saved, but he didn't. He was trapped somewhere, all on his own, and he was trying to reach out to them, but he couldn't ask for help.

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up…_

But, as Blaine watched David take over the melody line and pull Thad into a really, _really_, tight hug, he knew that Thad didn't need words anymore. They were here to help him even if they didn't know how; Blaine just knew that he was never going to take the risk of ever leaving Thad behind. None of them were. David had been in this mess from the start, and in all that time he had never given up on Thad, on Blaine too now. Blaine knew that David would pull them through whatever came their way because that was his _job_, or, at least, he percieved it that way. David wasn't giving up, and that was just what they needed; someone who could share their hope and belief with them. David would never leave them alone, never give up, never give in, never stop, never run. He'd be with them _for__ever_.

_Trust in me, trust in me, don't pull away_

_Just trust in me, trust me 'cause I'm just trying to keep it together_

_'Cause I could do worse and you could do better_

And Sebastian looked nothing short of _desperate_ as he sung, because Blaine knew that Sebastian was trying – he was really, _really_, trying – to hold everything together when he was scared, and frightened, and out of control. Blaine knew that Sebastian just wanted to get back to that time when Thad had trusted him, and everything had seemed to be working out alright. Blaine knew Sebastian wanted to give Thad something better, to make him okay, but Sebastian couldn't think how because, at the end of the day, Sebastian would never _understand_.

_When your tears are spent on your last pretence_

_And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defence_

Thad looked straight into his eyes, tears dripping over his eye lids at long, long, last because he was tired and weary, but he was still there. He was still with them, and, as he stared at Sebastian, Blaine knew that he _wanted_ to be. He was on the verge of giving up, and _exhausted_, but he wanted to _stay_. Suddenly, Thad had thrown his arms around Sebastian, who squeezed his eyes shut, holding him tightly, as he opened his mouth to sing;

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up…_

The rest of the Warblers, who had remained in their seats as they harmonised, got to their feet to form a protective circle, offering their own support, love and strength to him. Silently saying that if there was anything that they could do to help than they would, but Blaine knew that they couldn't provide any greater help than by making sure that Thad _knew_ that. Just by being there they were making sure that Thad knew and understood how much people cared about him and loved him – that was going to be what made the difference in the end.

_I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you…_

* * *

Blaine watched Hunter shovelling the snow from the footpaths of Dalton, white flakes sticking in his brown hair as he scowled. Blaine was standing in the sheltered doorway to the boarding house, and, for some reason that he couldn't quite explain, he felt like he needed to talk to Hunter.

Things at Dalton had settled down quite considerably after Thad's second day; David didn't have nightmares anymore, Thad was confident back in Warblers and life was just generally being okay, but none of them had ever really addressed the issue of what Hunter had said. Blaine knew that David wanted to prioritise, and Sebastian would simply scowl at the mention of Hunter because he thought it would ruin Thad's good mood, but it didn't stop Blaine from wondering just _why_ Hunter had said what he had.

Sighing, he examined the ex-Warbler once more. He had a very straight spine, no doubt his military upbringing forcing him to constantly stand on parade, but he didn't seem quite as confident or assured anymore. Blaine guessed that a situation had never self-destructed in his face the way his attack on Thad had. Hunter struck him as the person that, unlike Sebastian, was used to people looking up to him and respecting him. Sebastian either used people's naive, giddy, awe of him to blind them to his faults so they did what he said, or he bullied, coerced and tricked people into following him, but Hunter was likely used to, at least, being respected.

Huffing, Blaine decided that this time was as good as any other time, maybe even better given that there was a distinct lack of other people around, and made his way over to Hunter. He stopped in front of him, expecting Hunter to cease his work, but Hunter just continued to stab the shovel into the snow and then chuck it aside in an almost rhythmic way.

"Hunter," he said, clearing his throat. "I want to talk to you." Hunter threw some more snow onto the grass and then thrust the shovel down into the frozen ground.

"What?" he demanded, looking at him with narrowed eyes. Blaine sighed, watching his breath spiral in the air before him.

"Why did you do it?" he asked, softly, stuffing his hands into his pockets and staring at Hunter in an even manner. Hunter frowned, briefly, before picking up the shovel and returning to his work.

"Do what?" he asked, nonchalantly. Blaine huffed in annoyance and pulled the shovel from his grasp, holding it out of the way. Hunter glared at him, and Blaine stared him down, not at all intimidated by him.

"Call Thad what you did!" he exclaimed because what did Hunter _think_ that he was talking about? Hunter shrugged, rubbing his gloved hands together.

"Why?" Blaine closed his eyes, wondering why he was being such a piece of work, and let out a long sigh.

"Because you're not stupid," Hunter smirked a tiny bit, and Blaine gave him a frosty look. "and I know that you thought you'd get away with it, but why then? Why after you came and sat with us? Just _why_?" Hunter sighed, looking around the grounds once before standing up a little straighter, balancing his weight on his feet and folding his hands behind his back.

"Do you know what the best thing to do is when your enemy has a victory?" Blaine frowned and then shook his head. "You lie low. You let them think that you're finished, but you lie in wait and watch. You wait until they let their guard down, you find their weak stop, and when they're at their weakest _BAM_!" Blaine jumped a little at the sudden change in volume of his voice.

"That's _it_?" he demanded, when he'd processed what Hunter had said. "You did it because Sebastian and David ousted your from _Warbler council_!" Hunter gave him a steady look.

"I didn't start this war," he said, evenly. Blaine glared at him, taking a couple of deep breaths so that he wouldn't explode because he _could not believe_ that Hunter would take such a risk over something so _insignificant_.

"Do you have _any idea_ what kind of damage you could have done!" he yelled. "Thad had _just_ gotten out of hospital after trying to _commit suicide_! You would risk his _life_ for some stupid war game?" There was a silence in which Hunter stared at Blaine in a very blank manner.

"There was no risk; it wasn't true, nor does he give a damn about my opinion. I only did it to get a reaction out of Sebastian – it worked, I don't regret it." Blaine stared at him incredulously because he genuinely _did not_ understand the damage that he could have done. He pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

"Hunter," he said, looking back at him in a tired manner. "that doesn't matter; what _matters_ is that you fed the fires of Thad's self-doubt. You say something like that, and _he_ doesn't see you attacking Sebastian, he sees confirmation that he isn't good enough, or that no one likes him, or that he's wrong, or _broken_…worthless." He looked straight into Hunter's eyes and saw that, just like in Warbler hall, he was suddenly unbalanced.

"I see," he said, a frown falling onto his face. Blaine swallowed, not sure what else he had to say. He was furious, but he could also see that Hunter had genuinely not factored in the possibility that Thad would have taken him seriously – just another person that thought that Thad could handle more than he could.

"Would you take it back?" he asked, seriously. "Now that you know that, do you want to change what you said? Not because it didn't work, but do you regret it?" Hunter seemed to pause for thought. He shrugged.

"Casualties happen," Blaine swallowed, heavily, and repressed his anger, not sure what to say now. "Besides, I don't want to end up like Sebastian… all that calculating brilliance gone to waste." Before Blaine could say anything more, Sebastian's voice rent across the quiet grounds.

"_Blaine_!" Blaine spun around with a frown on his face to see Sebastian standing in the doorway that he had previously been occupying. "_Come inside_!" Blaine didn't know what he wanted, but there was a certain desperation to his voice that caused Blaine to spin back around and thrust the shovel, coldly, back at Hunter.

"You said you didn't want to end up like Sebastian," he said in an unkind tone of voice. "I'll give you some advice on that; don't take pot-shots at Thad – that's exactly how they became friends." He turned on his heel and stormed away, leaving Hunter standing there, clutching the shovel and staring at him. He was so fixed on stomping across the snow to Sebastian, he didn't notice his phone flying from his pocket and landing in the snow by Hunter's feet.

"You alright?" asked Sebastian the moment Blaine made it to his side, glancing back at Hunter, who had returned to his work. Blaine nodded, shaking the snow from his hair and pulling off his gloves. "What were you talking to him about?" Blaine shrugged.

"Why he called Thad what he did." Sebastian stared at him in an appraising manner.

"What did he say?" Blaine shrugged, kicking off his trainers.

"That he did it to take a shot at you." Sebastian's jaw clenched a little bit, but Blaine got the distinct impression that Sebastian had already known that. "What did you want?" Sebastian looked around before swallowing and sighing.

"It's Thad, he's gone really quiet, and I'm not sure what's wrong with him. David's out with his girlfriend." Blaine frowned, trying to think what could be bothering him before indicating that Sebastian should start leading the way to Thad. He followed Sebastian up the stairs and into his room, heart pounding with worry, and was underwhelmed, but also very relieved, to see that Thad was simply sitting, wrapped in a duvet, staring at a photo of his granddad – the one that was dead. Blaine gave Sebastian a look that said to stay back and moved to sit by Thad's side.

"Thad," he said, slowly, putting a hand on his knee. "what's wrong?" Thad wiped his watery eyes and put the photo down.

"I miss my granddad so much, but…I'm…I find myself weirdly glad that he's gone…" Blaine let out a long sigh, a couple of tears filling his eyes, and pulled him into a hug, ignoring Sebastian, who was making "_what the fuck?_" expressions at Blaine.

"It's alright," he said, softly, rubbing his back. "That's not a horrible thing to think – you just can't bear the idea of him rejecting you like you know he would…" because Blaine had heard all about Thad's granddad's homo and xenophobia when he'd died, and Thad had told Blaine that he'd hated his mum because her parents were Jewish immigrants from Europe. He'd also said that Blaine shouldn't be upset by the news that he'd passed away because he'd expressed his anti-gay views to Thad. Blaine supposed it was one of the reasons Thad had assumed his parents wouldn't accept him.

"Thad," said Sebastian, sitting down on the bed on Thad's other side. "for fear of making you more upset, I won't say that you're being stupid over this, but…you're- you give more than you can ever get." Thad sat back at that, staring at him with a frown.

"What?" Sebastian sighed, giving him a very intent frown, and Blaine tilted his head to the side, intrigued.

"I'm saying that you're always going to reap far less than you've sown; you love all these people, but, at the end of the day, they're not all going to love you back. Some people will take it for granted, some won't notice and some… some will pretend you don't because that's just easier." He shrugged. "You can't do anything about it, but you can move on. You have to step away from all of this," he said, plucking the photo from Thad's hands. "because it's _poison_. You have to put yourself first because of that; you do the work, cut yourself some slack."

Blaine watched as Thad bit down on the inside of his lip. Blaine wasn't entirely sure he understood what Sebastian had just said, but he reckoned it was somewhere along the lines of _stop hating yourself because you care about a lot of other people and that makes you a good person and, besides, not everyone can love you_. He had to admit that that was surprisingly deep coming from Sebastian.

The door flew open before anyone could say anything in response, and David came storming in, pulling off his hat and scowling. He wrenched his scarf from around his neck and dropped down onto Sebastian's bed with a frustrated scowl. They all frowned at him as he glared at them with a surprising amount of anger.

"David," said Blaine, gently. "what's wrong?" David took a deep breath, taking off his gloves and flinging them across the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sebastian raise an eyebrow and look at Thad, who shrugged and looked concerned.

"Evie broke up with me!" he exclaimed, furiously, and Blaine blinked in shock, eyebrows rising, because why would she do that? They'd been going out solidly for, like, _two years_. What the hell? There was a silence in which Blaine struggled to find anything to say because he was suddenly, vividly, painfully, reminded of Kurt.

"But that's not fair!" said Sebastian, suddenly, and all their heads whipped around to look at him in disbelief because had he _genuinely_ just said that? David blinked.

"_What_?" Sebastian scowled.

"Your girlfriend's name; it begins _and_ ends with e – I knew it was one or the other, but it can't be _both_!" There was an incredulous silence in which David's eyes, now wide with surprised confusion, slid back to Blaine and Thad, who both shrugged and hid their smiles. Then Thad let out a small snort. Blaine found himself unable to hold back his laughter. Sebastian rolled his eyes, smirking, and David eventually joined in, shaking his head.

"Blaine," said Hunter, barging into the room and making them all jump. "I have a message from Kurt." Blaine stared at him in disbelief. He had a message from _Kurt_. "He said that he got into NYADA because you broke up with him, and he wants to thank you for that. Here's your phone." He threw Blaine's phone onto his lap and left the room. Blaine swallowed, barely breathing, and stared down at his phone. It sounded like he'd got what he wanted... so why did he feel like bursting into tears? Why couldn't he breathe?

Why was the world ending?


	17. Chapter 17

**_Dear Readers, _**

**_First off, my usual round of thank you for all your support; it means a lot to me. Secondly, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this chapter because it just sort of appeared in my story-line out of nowhere, and even then the ending is completely different to what I was originally intending because that just happened when I was writing it...suffice to say I have no idea whether it works. _**

**_To Chrisch; firstly, wow, I think that was an understatement when you said it was long, but I was interested to read all of it - I really did, I just can't exactly remember everything you said, and I'm too lazy to go back and reread it (I'm sorry!), but I do remember your questions about Nick and Jeff and Thad. _**

**_In answer why did I choose to have Thad as the one that was raped, I think the main reason is that parts of plot just pop into my head and the fact that Thad was the other person (the original plot was slightly different) was just always there - I don't question the way my brain works so I just sort of went with it. _**

**_And why don't Nick and Jeff know? I guess, it's a similar sort of thing; I had that Wes, David and Sebastian knew as a sort of fixed thing in my mind (originally they went and comforted Blaine alone, but I changed that) and I guess that it's because when it happened Thad really came apart behind the scenes - he went to lessons and Warblers, and he was with drawn but not so much that people really picked up on it; it was Wes and David checking up on him that made them realise that there was something wrong and they forced him to tell them eventually. Also, Thad never exactly told his friends what happened; Wes and David kept on at him until he broke down, Sebastian found out by forcing himself onto Thad and causing him to have an emotional breakdown, and Blaine found out by Wes telling him that he was about to meet the other person and then Thad being in the room - the only time he actually told anyone it was his parents, and that didn't exactly end well so it's not really something he ever considered doing...Nick and Jeff don't mind that they don't know everything; they're worried, but they figure that if they need to know they'll be told. _**

**_Anyways, I hope you enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

"_Anything worth having is worth fighting for_." ― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, _Heaven, Texas_

* * *

Kurt looked at his phone for the umpteenth time that day. Blaine hadn't called him back after Kurt had given Hunter the spiteful message, and that made him distinctly nervous. He had no idea whether Hunter had passed on his message – he sincerely hoped he hadn't, but what reason did he have for not? – and that meant he couldn't call and apologise without telling Blaine what he'd said in the first place. Besides, did he even _need_ to apologise? What he'd said, whilst being completely spiteful, hadn't exactly been a lie. In fact, it was most definitely the truth.

Also, Blaine hadn't called _him_. What did that mean? Did that mean that he just _really_ didn't care about Kurt? He had everything he wanted with Sebastian so maybe he'd just ignored what Hunter had said. He knew it was horrible, but it angered him to think that Blaine hadn't even been in the least bit upset about what Kurt had said. Maybe Blaine had just cast it aside and gone back to whatever he and Sebastian had been doing. Except, Blaine had sent him a commiseration text…why not congratulate him? Unless Blaine hadn't wanted him to get in… Maybe, for whatever sick reason, Blaine was disappointed that Kurt hadn't failed.

Or, possibly, had Blaine not believed Hunter? He knew that Hunter didn't have a good relationship with, it seemed, the majority of the Dalton boys, so maybe when Hunter had said that to him Blaine had assumed he was lying. However, if that was the case, than why hadn't he rung Kurt to ask whether he'd gotten into NYADA, or to query it, or _something_?

Whatever Blaine's reaction, his silence didn't make sense – at least not to Kurt's mind.

Worse than all of that, though, was the fact that Kurt couldn't get Blaine out of his head. Despite all his resolutions and certainty that _this_ was the moment that he moved on, he absolutely could not stop thinking about Blaine. He was stuck in his brain once more, and that was officially the last time Kurt was ever going to try and contact Blaine if _this_ – a complete inability to get his mind to stop thinking about him – was the result. Honestly, the _price_ that Kurt had to pay for being nice was extortionate. Why wasn't _Blaine_ suffering?

He raked a hand through his hair and put his phone away because maybe if it was out of the sight the constant reminder of the latest development between him and Blaine would be gone and then, _hopefully_, his mind would be allowed to think about other things, _good_ things like _Christmas_ and NYADA and snow… Okay, that sounded a little bit desperate, but he liked snow.

However, it seemed that thinking about the fact that Christmas was near only served to remind him that something that he thought would be a new Christmas tradition; his duet with Blaine was not going to be happening. There would be no singing as the snow fell, no warm, crackling fire, no flirtatious smiles...nothing for either of them. Though he supposed that Blaine would find a duet partner in Sebastian just fine.

God, why was he torturing himself with this? It was over. Done. Ended. Finished. No more them. He should never have made that phone call. It seemed that communicating via mobiles was the Achilles heel of their relationship; him not answering them and then making them when he didn't have to. He really wished that there was an off button for his brain…ugh, what he wanted give to be some mindless, Neandethalic, slug with no care in the world or concern or the brain power to feel hurt. It was too bad suffering seemed to be inherent in his life; the storm clouds always rolled in.

"Hey, Kurt," he looked up and saw several people, including Chase who had called his name, gathered around a computer. "You're from Lima, right?" Kurt nodded.

"Yeah, I am, why?" Chase beckoned him over.

"You should see this video; it went _viral_ on Youtube in, like, a couple of hours or something. You are going to _love_ it." Kurt pushed himself up from his desk and wandered over to the computer, peering at the screen. He felt his heart stop when he saw the channel belonged to Dalton Academy; he was so _not_ going to love this…

"Um…" he said, trying to think of a reason for not watching the video, but Chase had already clicked play. The only thing that stopped him from backing away from the computer screen in that instant was the curiosity of seeing Finn standing on the courtyard steps in the snow, and the background track to _Do You Hear the People Sing?_. Kurt cautiously bent forward as Sebastian, Kurt resisted the urge to scrunch up his face and swear at him, came to the top of the steps, looking very sombre and serious.

_Do you hear the people sing?_

_Singing a song of angry men?_

_It is the music of a people_

_Who will not be slaves again!..._

Kurt frowned at the screen, not entirely sure he got what was going on. The crowded courtyard of McKinley had all stopped to stare at the tall, rather imposing, figure of the Warbler, who stood in the snow without any kind of protective layer, and _glared_ down at the people around him. Whoever was holding the camera, Kurt thought it might be Artie given that Tina was on his left, Sam on his right and it was clearly being held upwards at quite an angle, had zoomed in on his resolute face, whilst occasionally flickering around to show reaction shots of the crowd and Wade, who kept being focused on quite a bit.

It was weird, and Kurt hated himself for thinking it, but Sebastian definitely had the right _presence_ for the song. He looked like an angry rebel, standing on the top of the steps, and the tone of his voice, so steely and determined, was just right.

_Will you join in our crusade?_

_Who will be strong and stand with me?_

_Beyond the barricade_

_Is there a world you long to see?_

The song stopped being good the moment Blaine appeared by Sebastian's side and _put an arm around his waist_. Kurt clenched his jaw involuntarily, even as he began to understand that this probably had a lot to do with homophobia and gay rights, because he did _not_ need to see that, and he was _not_ worrying for Blaine's safety for doing that in front of such a crowd.

_Then join in the fight_

_That will give you the right to be free!_

The appearance of a nervous looking Thad by Sebastian's other shoulder was what clinched it in Kurt's mind. This was _definitely_ some form of gay pride statement. He had to admit that it was nice to see Thad looking healthy again as Sebastian looped an arm around his shoulder and tucked him into his side – he did look okay.

_Do you hear the people sing?_

_Singing a song of angry men?..._

Then something that Kurt hadn't quite been expecting happened; a whole host of Dalton boys – far more than just the Warblers – came marching down the steps. Some had banners that advocated LGBT community, but most where waving rainbow flags or ones with purple lambdas and other symbols. He let out an incredulous laugh at the continuous stream of Dalton boys that descended into the courtyard because it looked like the entirety of Dalton Academy had emptied itself into McKinley just to make a _point_. Sebastian, Blaine and Thad were still standing at the top of the stairs, together, and Kurt had to admit that, whilst he hated seeing Sebastian and Blaine with their arms around each other's waists, he did like, and admire, what they were doing, though he did wonder what on earth had caused them to make such a huge protest. Dalton were rather conservative, and they tended to keep themselves to themselves, and it didn't really seem like a _them_ thing to do. He sincerely hoped that Sebastian hadn't organised this because then he might just have to start _respecting_ him, and he wasn't sure he could do that.

_Will you give all you can give_

_So that our banner may advance?…_

Nick appeared, singing, with his own flag, Jeff's arms around him, and they were waving it together. Kurt had to roll his eyes, an amused smile upon his face, because only Nick and Jeff would decide that the best thing they could do was point out the words "_humane_" and "_human_" had a common derivative as well as pointing out that they were all "_homos_" because they were all _Homo sapiens_.

_The blood of the martyrs_

_Will water the meadows of France!_

Jeff took the last two lines as they came to a stop on the last step and, after Jeff had finished his very virtuosic last note, Nick grabbed by the face and kissed him. Had Kurt not been _very_ worried for their safety, he probably would have laughed at the sight.

_Do you hear the people sing?..._

But, to his relief, nothing happened to either of them, there weren't even any derogatory shouts, as the Dalton boys began to march around again in a gigantic wave, the New Directions joining in and some other random people too, getting caught up in the music and the energy like Kurt knew was so easy to happen. He wasn't too surprised to see that Thad, Sebastian and Blaine remained at the top of the stairs – he knew that Blaine wasn't stupid enough to bring Thad into that kind of environment so soon after everything that had happened – and they sang along with probably as much gusto as Kurt had ever seen Sebastian perform with. He even had a sort-of-genuine smile on his face, part pleased with himself and part smirking but also with this little bit of something else, and Kurt just sort of _knew_ that this had been his idea – Goddamn him for that.

The video came to an end as the majority of the courtyard was filled with cheers and whoops from the Dalton boys, and Chase and the others turned to him with grins. Kurt gave them a smile that was partially fake and partially genuine.

"That was your school, right?" Kurt nodded, taking a deep breath and trying very hard to forget the last time that he'd seen Blaine performing on those steps.

_I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit I'm just the same as I was. Now don't you understand? That I'm never changing who I am…_

"Yeah," he said, adding a little bit more fake-smile to make the smile stick on his face because it was unbelievably painful to think about how much of lie that had been, or, even worse, how maybe it wasn't lie...Blaine was the same person, but he was horribly different. "and, um, I went to Dalton at one point too, they're ones in blazers, when the bullying was at its worse." There were some understanding nods, sympathetic looks, and Kurt had a very strong urge to run away back to his desk and find something to do with himself that didn't involve thinking of Blaine.

"Oh, so you know all of them." Kurt gave a nod, trying to get rid of the grimace on his face.

"Most of them, yes. I wasn't actually there for very long."

"Say, do you know the hot guy? The one that started it." Kurt clenched his jaw, sick of the fact that Sebastian was apparently _better looking_ than him and that that was all anyone could focus on, and what had happened to Blaine to make him so shallow and only go out with someone for their looks? Except Sebastian wasn't that guy anymore… Now, he-

"Kurt?" he blinked, tearing himself away from his bitter thoughts and looking back at all of them, who were staring at him in a curious manner. Kurt swallowed.

"He's Sebastian. I think he's Senior, but you, err, might have some trouble getting with him; he's dating my ex." There was a shocked pause from the others, and Kurt felt savagely glad at the way their faces fell because he didn't feel good inside. He felt ridiculously stung because even _here_, in _his_ work place in New York, people were more interested in Sebastian than him.

"Your _ex_?" exclaimed Chase. Kurt nodded, tensely. Chase's eyes wandered back to the screen, and Kurt knew that he was putting it all together in his head. "So, he was the guy that sang second?" Kurt nodded once more.

"Yeah, that's Blaine…" There was a moment in which everyone frowned between him and the screen, clearly at a loss for what to say, something that Kurt was glad for because he didn't want to be the only person that felt like they were on thin ice. "What are the comments like?" he asked, suddenly, in an attempt to put an end to the awkward silence.

"Oh," most of them jolted, and Chase scrolled down on the web page.

"That same mix that you get on the internet; mindless thugs slagging them off, religious battles, people telling them they were so brave and those heart-breaking stories you get about people who've been bullied or whatever." Kurt nodded, noting that many comments had been disliked or flagged and that the like bar was predominantly green, though there was obviously a strong amount of opposition for what they'd done.

"What does the description say?" he asked, noting that there was a considerable amount of text in the box underneath the video. Chase obligingly clicked "_show more_", and Kurt bent forward to read;

_The revolutionaries of France were people that stood for equality – many of them were starving and struggling to get by, and they saw the injustice in a society that benefitted only the rich – and nothing has changed since then; we are still searching for equality and justice. We pride ourselves as living in a nation that is FREE and EQUAL, but there is no equality in people having their lives threatened for standing up and admitting and accepting that they're different. Just like in 'Les Miserables' where the students stood up for change, it's our responsibility as the next generation to push through new ideals. We're not advocating violence – God forbid anyone should feel the need to sacrifice themselves for justice – but this is OUR stand. We're lucky enough to go to school in an environment that has a zero-tolerance for discrimination, but many people aren't that fortunate. However, that doesn't make it hopeless, it just means YOU have to do something. YOU can enforce, in your own world, a rule of no intolerance. THAT will be how we make change; through our individual actions. And for everybody and anybody who is out there; don't give up and have courage because you are NOT alone and you are LOVED._

_Disclaimer: this song doesn't belong to us (thankfully, because we'd never be able to write anything that good and inspiring) but to Claude-Michel Schönberg (music) and Herbert Kretzmer (lyrics)._

_A big thank you to the New Directions, who are strong enough to stand up against the flow of popular opinion and whose idea this really was, and who are also the ones that will suffer any negative consequences. _

_Love from, _

_Blaine, Sebastian, Thad, Nick, Jeff, David, Trent and the boys and staff of Dalton Academy. _

Kurt found a smile twisting its way onto his lips at that. He sniffed, knowing that reminiscent, moved, tears were making their way into his eyes. He couldn't say quite what it was about the message that had touched him, but it was probably how genuine it was. He, strange as it was to think about, had missed that side to the Dalton boys. He had missed being able to think that Blaine was a good, brave, person that believed in change and stood up for equality. He'd missed being able to remember that Blaine had been one for acting now and making change happen, not content to sit back and take it all.

However, scanning over the text again, something suddenly struck him.

…"…_there is no equality in people having their lives threatened…"…_

He could feel his heart beating a little bit faster in fear as he re-read the words, one more time, just to make sure that he hadn't misinterpreted it. He highly doubted that that was a reference to what had happened to him and Karofsky, which suggested – unless they were simply using it as an example of the worst thing that couldn't happen, which didn't make sense because that wasn't the _worst_ thing that could happen – that this had been sparked because of a threat to someone's life. Someone who was at _McKinley_…

He swallowed, taking a couple of steps backwards and mumbling for them to excuse him. Even as they called his name in confusion, he dashed to his desk and pulled back out his phone. He hurried out of the office, heading straight for the lift and letting it carry him down to the ground floor. He came to a stop in a corner of the lobby, looking out onto the busy street, and rang Finn's number. It rang for quite some time, and Kurt was about to hang up and try someone else when Finn answered.

"_Kurt? Hey, what's up?"_ Kurt swallowed, not entirely sure how to phrase what was worrying him. _"Kurt? You still there, man?"_

"Yeah," he said, blinking and refocusing his gaze. "I just- I saw the video." There was a confused silence, and Kurt rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "The video of _Do You Hear the People Sing?_ – it's on Youtube."

"_Oh,"_ said Finn in understanding, but then didn't offer anything more. Kurt rolled his eyes and sighed because did he have to do _everything_? _"So, um, what did you think of it?"_ Kurt paused, not really sure that he had an answer to that question.

"It was good," he said, eventually. "It was…_courageous_, but…why?" There was a long silence, and Kurt got the distinct impression that Finn was mulling over what Kurt had just asked, trying to work out what to say.

"_It was Wade,"_ said Finn, slowly, and Kurt nodded, having already half guessed that. _"he was getting even more hate since we crashed out of Sectionals for being, you know, dressed like a girl…I didn't know what more I could do so I went to Blaine…"_ Kurt nodded, for some pursing his lips. _"I'm sorry,"_ offered Finn. _"I just- I didn't know who else to go to."_ Kurt nodded again, even though it was a completely pointless action.

"Did he have his life threatened?" There was another long silence. He sighed, mentally urging Finn to speak.

"_I don't- I don't really know…He just got cornered by some guys from the hockey and Football teams. I don't really know what went down, but it shook him up really badly, man…I took him to Dalton, and, after they talked to him, Blaine met up with Artie and Tina and Sam, and they brainstormed ways to make a point – as far as I know if anyone touches him then they have to deal with the wrath of all those guys…and they're kind of scary when they're pissed. I mean, Sebastian threw Hunter over a table when he called Thad a "__**faggot**__" so I-"_

"_What_?" exclaimed Kurt, eyebrows leaping up in shock at the news. There was a long pause in which Finn obviously seemed to struggle for words, and Kurt's mind seemed to have ground to a halt because that _did not_ make sense. Hunter had been right there in the video – holding a banner and protesting with the others – so how could he discriminate against one person and not another…though that did explain what the "_incident_" had been.

"_You didn't know that?"_ asked Finn, tentatively. Kurt shook his head even though the action was completely redundant.

"No, I didn't."

"_Sorry,"_ apologised Finn, sounding kind of sheepish. _"it just- it happened that day you got rejected so I kind of assumed that you'd have heard about it from Blaine…"_ Kurt swallowed, feeling angry at Blaine for lying to him once more about something. Why was it just his default action towards Kurt nowadays? Even over things that weren't to do with either of them, like Thad.

"No, he- he didn't mention it…He actually said that Thad was- was _better_." There was another long silence between the two of them in which Finn cleared his throat several times.

"_Ah, sorry, I just…Um…I have no idea what to say,"_ admitted Finn, eventually, and Kurt rolled his eyes.

"It doesn't matter, I suppose…just, Finn…"

"_Yeah?"_ Kurt took a deep breath, swallowing.

"Why didn't you contact me?" There was a long silence between them. He heard Finn sigh, heavily.

"_I just- I know that you want to put Lima and Blaine behind you…I figured that telling you __**that**__ wasn't exactly going to help with either of those things, given how you became friends and all."_ Kurt swallowed, sighing because he knew that Finn was trying to do the right thing, but…if Wade needed help than Kurt ought to be one of the people that gave it to him, having been there himself.

"I appreciate that, Finn," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I really do, but, if it's something like that, how I feel about the situation isn't really important."

"_Okay,"_ replied Finn, and Kurt could imagine that he was nodding in a very deliberate manner, carefully taking note of what Kurt had said so that he didn't forget in case he needed it. _"I just- also, Blaine's, you know, __**there**__… They can talk to each other face to face and whatever, that's better, right?"_ Kurt let out a sigh through his nose, having to agree that having someone there – a physical person that could hold your hand and provide comfort – was almost as useful as the advice that they might offer.

"Yeah, that's true…" he sighed, knowing that part of what stung him was the fact that Finn had gone to _Blaine_, who had betrayed Kurt and lied to him and hurt him _so badly_, over Kurt himself. "Just, if you need me, Finn, I am only a phone call away. I want to forget about Blaine, but I don't want other people to suffer. I'm here to help because," he shrugged. "what else can I do?"

"_Yeah, right…I'll bear that in mind…sorry,"_ Kurt sighed, shrugging because it didn't really matter; all that mattered was that Wade was safe and able to be whoever he wanted to be.

"It's alright, Finn, really. I just- it was just a bit of a shock. You do know it's gone, like, viral. I think your message really reached out and touched people."

"_Well, that's great!"_ exclaimed Finn. _"I mean, that was the point…I think,"_ Kurt snorted, slightly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah, I think it was…well, I should probably go…"

"_Alright, dude, see you whenever."_

"Bye," Kurt hung up, lowering the phone from his ear and exhaling. He slipped into his pocket and thought over the conversation that he'd just had, wondering whether anything had changed towards his feelings to Blaine. He supposed, on balance, he didn't find himself quite as angry as before… He supposed that it was hard to be angry with someone who was so obviously trying to do good, just not towards Kurt… He couldn't escape the fact that, take away what he'd done to Kurt, Blaine didn't exactly have many faults – his main fault being his complete and utter ineptitude in controlling his emotions.

His phone chimed, jerking him from his thoughts about Blaine, and alerted him that he'd just received a new text. He looked down at it and was surprised to see that it was from Karofsky and simply asked;

_Are you available to talk?-Dave_

Frowning in mild worry, he went to the contacts and flicked to Dave's number. He was mentally crossing his fingers that Dave was okay, but he wasn't particularly counting on it; he hadn't really been in touch with Dave since the beginning of the year, and Dave had promised he'd call Kurt if he needed something, and Kurt was sure that Paul would have called him if anything had happened, so he'd taken no news as good news...

"_Kurt!"_ came the sound of Dave's relieved voice. Kurt frowned.

"Are you alright, Dave?" There was a long pause that served only to heighten Kurt's worry for him, but he didn't say anything, knowing that it was best to just wait until he was ready to talk.

"_Um, did you see the video from your school?"_ Kurt frowned a little bit more, taken aback by the question.

"Yes, what about it?" He heard Karofsky take a deep breath.

"_You know that I'm repeating my Senior year at __**another**__ high school?"_ Kurt frowned some more, wondering why Dave was taking such a roundabout route to his question.

"Yeah…" Kurt could find himself getting more and more nervous; had something happened there too? Had he been outed again? Had that video managed to do more harm than good?

"_Well, I've been really enjoying myself. I've made loads of friends, and I'm on the Football team."_

"No more panic attacks?" he asked, hope in his voice because maybe this _wasn't_ a bad phone call; maybe he was calling to say that his school wasn't homophobic.

"_Nope…Those months out really did me some good…Anyway, my friends saw it, and they- they said it was a pretty brave thing to do…"_ Kurt frowned, not sure what Dave wanted from him; them saying it was a brave thing to do implied that they knew about the prevelance of homophobia and disagreed with it. He was glad, obviously, but he knew that Dave wasn't calling him to tell him that because then he wouldn't sound so nervous. He would be overjoyed, probably, not scared. _"Well- I…I thought…how do I come out?"_ Kurt froze, not sure what to say, but then found a smile spreading across his face because Dave had _finally_ found somewhere that he felt safe and able to be who he really was.

"Look," he said, sighing. "there's no easy way to do it, but…honestly, just say it." He knew that it sounded like poor advice because Dave could have thought of that on his own, but there wasn't any other way to do it.

"_Just say it?"_ he repeated, sounding hesitant and nervous, and Kurt knew that it was hard, but it really was the only way.

"Yeah…Say you have something really important to tell them, and then say it. It sounds like they're going to take it perfectly well, but if they don't it's there loss, and you call me straight away, or your dad, and you do _not_ do anything stupid." He swallowed, remembering Thad and the fear that had kicked in _after_ he'd come out. "Even if you're worried about what they might say…" He heard Karofsky swallow and take a couple of steadying breaths.

"_Will you stay on the line?"_ Kurt nodded.

"Of course…if you put it on speaker I can hear the whole thing…and yell at them if needs be." He heard Dave laugh and was glad that he was still able to offer Dave advice and support. "Good luck," he heard Dave mumble something in response and tried to breathe quietly as he heard Dave's footsteps tread across the floor boards, a door creak open and then confused, but pleased, greetings;

"_Hey man, you alright? You look abnormally pale for some guy that spends, like, all his time outside."_ He heard chuckles and the sound of bedsprings squeaking. There was a long silence and then more questions as to whether Dave was alright.

"_Guys there's something I need to tell you all."_ There was a silence before someone said;

"_No offence, dude, but that sounds rather ominous…You're in good health, right?"_

"_Yeah, it's- it's not that…I- I- I'm…I'm gay…"_ Kurt sucked in a breath, waiting for a response. There was some awkward shifting around. _"Guys?"_

"_Dave, we already know."_ Kurt found his eyebrows shooting up his forehead as Dave choked in shock.

"_You- you __**what**__?"_ There were some sighs.

"_We knew guys at Thurnston…We stopped talking to them after we found out what they did to you…That and you're kind of…You don't talk about girls, you're nervous in the locker rooms…We didn't say anything 'cause of what had happened…figured we should just let you come out." _Kurt let out a long laugh of relief at that, glad that they'd managed to understand that springing the fact that people at the school knew about his sexuality was not the right thing to do, and pleased that they'd had the strength to turn their backs on the arseholes from Thurnston for Dave.

"_What the-"_ came the exclamations from the other boys, and Kurt suddenly realised that they would have heard his laughter.

"_Oh, that's Kurt…he's my friend…He's gay, I called him for advice."_ Kurt pursed his lips, aware that this was weirdly awkward, and bizarre, situation to be in. He knew that the best thing to do was let them talk in private.

"Hi," he said and got some puzzled greetings in return. "um…I'm going to hang up now and let you guys do whatever it is that you do…See you, Dave."

"_Bye, Kurt, thanks for…**everything.**"_

"It's nothing," he said, firmly, and, when he had heard some more chuckles and laughing, he hung up, unable to stop smiling because good things did come to those who deserved it.


	18. Chapter 18

_**Dear Readers, **_

_**A special thank you to those of you that gave me positive feedback on the last chapter; I'm glad that you all liked it, and thanks to eveyone else too! To Chrisch; in answer your question about my other story, yes, that is who Blaine plays. I don't have anything else to say but enjoy this chapter!**_

_**Sopphires.**_

* * *

"_Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die_." ― Herbert Hoover

* * *

Blaine looked up from his homework at the knock on the door. David, who was definitely not over his girlfriend dumping him, let out a long growl and glared at Blaine like it was his fault that people wanted to speak to one of them. Rolling his eyes, because David wouldn't tell any of them why she'd dumped it so he was wallowing, Blaine got to his feet and moved through the junk that David had tossed onto the floor and opened the door.

He blinked at the sight that stood before him. Wade, wig on and wearing a dress and heels but looking rather worse for wear, stood outside his room with Finn hovering by his shoulder. He felt his face drop into a worried frown, and he stood to the side, breathing becoming shallower with nervous anticipation, and let them in.

"Are you alright?" he asked as David took in the scene and then slammed his books shut, shouted a mixed greeting and condolence and darted from the room. Blaine watched as Wade tucked some hair behind his ear and looked at Finn, who ruffled up his own in frustration. He sat down on his bed so they were face on.

"It's, um…" Finn looked around the room in a manner that suggested he was really awkward in this situation. Blaine didn't blame him; he had no idea what was going on, but the whole thing just felt tensely awkward. They hadn't talked since Finn had come to Dalton to check up on him and tell about Kurt and NYADA. Blaine had taken to blocking them from his mind because thinking of them meant thinking of Kurt and what he said…but just looking at Wade was a reminder of Kurt because Blaine _knew_ the look in his eyes; the poorly masked fear, the attempted cool façade, the desperation…

"What happened?" he asked, sitting forward on his bed and leaning closer to the two New Directions members, heart pounding from suppressed fear. Wade looked at Finn once more before swallowing. "Finn, can you give us a minute?" Finn looked even more apprehensive so Blaine sent him a long glare because this was easier to do one-to-one when both people understood. Finn nodded and got to his feet, leaving the room. Blaine looked back at Wade. "_What happened_?"

"It was some jocks," he said, pulling off his wig and throwing it aside. "It's been getting worse since we lost Sectionals, but they- they cornered me, and they shoved me into a locker…they were just taunting and teasing me…they wouldn't let me go, and they said…" Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip because he hated this; seeing his composure and confidence completely shattered, and he just wanted to break all their necks.

"What did they say?" he pressed, moving to sit by his side. Wade looked at his hands, and Blaine knew that this was going to be bad. He took a deep breath and steeled himself because he had to be the one that took it well.

"They said that I was completely wrong, and if I came in dressed like a girl again they'd teach me a lesson… that they'd make sure I never wore clothes like that again…" Blaine swallowed because that sounded like a, well…_death threat_. He put a hand tightly on his shoulder as he sniffed heavily.

"Wade, have you told your parents?" He shook his head, furiously.

"They'd probably take me out of McKinley, but…I like it there. I love the New Directions, and it's awesome that I get to be who I am." Blaine swallowed, trying to think responsibly.

"Wade, you have the right to be whoever you want, but, maybe, you shouldn't dress like that until we've figure something out." He frowned at him, and Blaine knew that he saw that as a betrayal.

"But- but-"

"Wade," he said, putting up a hand to stop him from speaking. "I can't make you do anything, but you need to be safe. I'm going to- I don't know what or how, but I'm going to find a way for you to express yourself. However, in the meantime…well, you can't express yourself if you're not alive." No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he was kicking his brain as hard as he possibly could because the words – the thought that it was a _real_ possibility – caused Wade to break. All of his strength went sliding out from underneath him as he put his head in his hands and sobbed. Blaine slipped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close, and let him cry.

* * *

"…so we've got to do _something_." Blaine stared around at Artie, Tina and Sam, who were all cradling warm cups of the Lima Bean's coffee in their hands and were all bearing worried looks of shock.

"Damn right!" agreed Artie, nodding his head emphatically.

"That's just _awful_," said Tina, shaking her head. Blaine sighed, raking a hand through his hair, but nodded all the same.

"Yeah, but _what_? All the guys the Dalton are prepared to do something, but we don't have any ideas." He watched Sam run a hand through his blonde hair, and Artie as he glanced between his two companions.

"I'm all for throwing your weight around, but that'll probably make them madder." Blaine nodded, pursing his lips before taking a long sip from his drink. He looked around, sighing because this was his and Kurt's haunt. How often had they met up here and laughed over their hot drinks? This was the place that Kurt had first told him that he liked him, and where Blaine had considered the idea of going out with Kurt for the first time. He and Kurt had exchanged their first "_I love yous_" here at that table just over there.

"…_Blaine_… _Blaine_!" Blaine blinked and jolted in his seat, turning back to his three friends with a sheepish smile. Sam titled his head to the side, examining him.

"Are you alright?" Blaine nodded, instantly, not bothering to tell them how he'd been having nightmares about the torments of his first high school and Eli since Wade had come to him because that wouldn't do any of them any good. He needed to focus on here and now.

"Yeah, bit tired…so much work to do, and we've been trying to prepare for our Christmas concert and something for our music teacher who's leaving." He shrugged at their mildly concerned faces. "It's nothing. We need to focus on Wade." He sighed. "He's keeping positive – he really brightened up when we hung out with the other guys – and he's not letting it get the better of him, but…" he shrugged once more. "We have to do _something_ to change the situation…" Blaine trailed off, letting them fall into a mulling silence once more.

"Is there a way that we could, I dunno, stage a protest or something?" Blaine looked over at Sam with a small frown on his face. Sam sighed and put down his cup. "Like, a way of threatening them without being physical… I don't know…something like a song." Blaine sat back in his chair, looking at the other two in interest.

"That is a good idea," said Artie. "we could make a stand; show them that they're not gonna change who we are or what we do." Blaine put a hand over his mouth, brain whirring because he reckoned he could get the Warblers on side…most of Dalton, actually…probably _all_ of it.

"I think," he said, slowly. "it'd be safer it we did it." There were frowns on all their faces. "Us at _Dalton_," he clarified. "because, well, they're not going to be threatened or intimidated by you…Heck, they might not even _listen_ to you. I could get all of Dalton out to support her, and we can put ourselves out there as a system of protection…I reckon, on mass, they might just think twice." There was a pause before the other three nodded.

"That sounds cool," affirmed Sam. "but what song?" Blaine ran a hand through his hair, thinking deeply.

* * *

"We're definitely ready?" asked Blaine. Sebastian sent him a level glare. Blaine swallowed, a small smile tweaking at his lips even as he shivered in the cold, winter, air. "Alright, I'll shut up." There were giggles and titters from the Warblers around them, and Blaine attempted to give them a fierce glare from watery eyes.

"Blaine," said Sebastian in a supercilious tone of voice. "I chose this song for a reason. One, the lyrics and the feel was perfect, and _two_, it was _easy_ to learn. Any of them – even the tone deaf – can belt it out." He waved his hand around in a careless gesture, and Blaine rolled his eyes with a grin. "Now, shut up; it's my moment."

Blaine rolled his eyes once more as whatever Finn had been saying came to an end – it had been lost on the wind and the general hum of the Dalton boys – and Sebastian moved away to the top of the steps as the backing track kicked in. Blaine took a deep breath, mentally crossing his fingers that there would be no violent disturbances or name calling because, whilst Sebastian could brush it off and so could Blaine, he knew that Thad wouldn't be able to deal with it very well…or at all. He felt bad for it being a main focus of, but Blaine wasn't stupid enough to think that Thad had just _stopped_ being suicidal, and keeping his friend alive just _had_ to be one of his main priorites, even if-

…_There is a life about to start_

_When tomorrow comes_

Blaine blinked once, suddenly realising that he had completely tuned out most of Sebastian's singing, and hastily stepped forward, trying to keep calm as he moved to his side and readied himself to sing;

_Will you join in our crusade?_

_Who will be strong and stand with me?_

He slipped his arm around Sebastian's waist as they'd planned because he was not leaving Nick and Jeff alone in making a defiant statement, and, alright, theirs was nothing in comparison to what they had planned, but it was a start – and just about all that they could manage because Blaine was _not_ kissing Sebastian; _yuck_.

_Beyond the barricade_

_Is there a world you long to see_

He looked around the courtyard and saw mostly gob-smacked faces staring back at him. He was unsurprised that the majority of McKinley, dimwitted as they were, were completely baffled by the sudden appearance of blazer clad boys in their school. They wouldn't understand until the chorus.

_Then join in the fight_

_That will give you the right to be free_

He smiled as Thad appeared by Sebastian's other side. He knew that Thad was scared and frightened about doing something like this, despite hiding it from the others and not saying anything, but, as he was tucked into Sebastian's side, Blaine knew that he knew he was safe from any harm.

_Do you hear the people sing?_

_Singing the song of angry men_

_It is the music of a people_

_Who will not be slaves again…_

He felt something inside of him swell at the sight of all the Dalton boys marching down, singing, with their gay pride flags and banners. He had been mildly surprised, but incredibly pleased, to find that it didn't take much convincing to get the traditional boys to do something that had absolutely never been done before _ever_ by the school, but he also knew that what Hunter, who surprisingly had seemingly turned up of his own accord, had said to Thad – and the fact that he wasn't expelled – had stung a lot of people because Dalton was meant to be _zero_-tolerance, and they didn't see that there was anything they could do without bullying Hunter themselves. They saw this as their chance to do something right and to make amends for wrongs that they had had no part in last year. Blaine loved them indescribably for that.

_Will you give all you can give_

_So that our banner may advance?…_

He looked at Nick and Jeff with a wonky smile on his face as they moved together down the steps, openly flaunting their relationship because they were proud of it, and they loved each other so much. Blaine didn't even blink at their banner, but he was surprised by the lack of reaction from the crowd. It was like they _understood_ what was going on, but they couldn't comprehend it.

_The blood of the martyrs_

_Will water the meadows of France!_

He held his breath in a nervous manner as Jeff, finishing his virtuosic note, kissed his boyfriend full on. There was nothing. Blaine couldn't understand. There was no jeering. There was just silence. Shock, he supposed.

_Do you hear the people sing?_

_Singing the song of angry men_

_It is the music of a people_

_Who will not be slaves again…_

This time he trained his eyes on Wade as he sung. Wade looked mildly overwhelmed, like he couldn't quite believe this was happening because of – _for_ – him, but he could also see something so hopeful and overjoyed in his eyes. This was the moment he saw that there wasn't just a little group of outcast misfits behind him, but there was a huge community of people that looked past appearance and were there for him whether he was a boy or a girl. It just didn't matter because they weren't going to take anymore. They were standing up and saying no, and if McKinley couldn't enforce a zero-tolerance policy then they were going to have to do it for them.

There was no pause after the song ended because the boys, and any that had joined in, burst into applause. It was a deafening sound – hundreds of boys hollering at the tops of their voices – and Blaine slipped out of Sebastian's grasp to clap his frozen fingers together. Thad was laughing as Sebastian gave him a tight hug. Then Sebastian looked back at the courtyard, signaling for quiet, which eventually came.

"Let this be a lesson for all of you. We haven't come in to beat you all up, though we certainly could if we wanted to, we've come here to make a point; that you _can't_ just push us around and get nothing back, and you _do not_ have the right to threaten other people because you don't like something about you. Do you really think that it is anyway _reasonable_ to threaten somebody's _life_ because they are wearing a _dress_? Think about this; to make a death threat is _illegal_. You've physically assaulted someone and threatened their life, how lenient do you think anyone is going to be?" There was a still silence. "Oh, and a heads up, my dad is state attorney."

Sebastian smirked in a cool manner down at the very silent student body of McKinley, who, without a doubt, fully believed that Sebastian would have them banged up in jail if they so much as made a sound, but also because they felt _threatened_. Sebastian wasn't exactly physically imposing – he was kind of tall and thin – but he had a confident presence and baring that made him look effortlessly intimidating…though, maybe it was just his ego that smothering the crowd, Blaine wouldn't know.

Either way, the students began to disperse, only just beginning to talk amongst themselves, and Blaine took the opportunity to dash down the steps to the New Directions. They had formed a crowd at the bottom of the steps, and he was immediately pulled into a giant group hug. He found himself laughing over nothing in particular as he gave Wade a particularly tight hug, looking around at everyone with a grin that was strangely wide – he couldn't explain it, but he was really happy in this moment.

"You guys were _amazing_!"

"Totally awesome!"

"Was that, like, the _whole school_ or something?"

"I cannot believe that I just witnessed that!"

Blaine laughed, nodding because he would not have betted that he'd ever do something like that, and felt relief well up inside of him because the New Directions were _okay_ with him. He could see that he wasn't just some tool to help Wade and to fight the battles they couldn't; he was their _friend_. The thought of that made him feel so much better. Most of the time, Blaine felt like he was picking up the different pieces of his life before Eli and attempting to slot it back together, and the New Directions were a giant shard that he hadn't thought would ever truly fit back in, but they did.

"Well," he said, swallowing. "I hope that helps, I really do." There were nods from the group, and Blaine looked straight at Wade. "Do you feel like coming in wearing a dress tomorrow?" There was a moment before a broad smile spread across Wade's face.

"Unique is coming back bitches!" he exclaimed, and Blaine laughed along with all the others in relief and delight because confidence was the hardest thing to retrieve after taking a hit like Wade had. Blaine could clearly see that Wade wasn't faking any of it; he was excited and expectant and relieved, but also filled with hope and confidence. Blaine and the others had given him all of that back, and Blaine couldn't really have asked for anything more. The three hours of detention they were all getting for bunking classes was a price that he would pay over and over again in return for that. He knew they all would.

"Everybody good?" asked David, appearing by Blaine's shoulder and making them all jump.

"Unique is returning to McKinley tomorrow," announced Blaine with a stupid grin on his face. David blinked once before a similar smile split across his face going from ear to ear. He reached forward and grabbed Wade into one of his strong hugs that was likely going to leave him gasping for air once it was over.

"That's just fantastic!" exclaimed David as Nick and Jeff, who had come bounding over and were now throwing themselves onto Wade because they were on a ridiculous high after performing and kissing in front of a whole crowd of people. Blaine didn't know why, but it made them feel good and empowered…or something.

"You go girl!" exclaimed Nick, bouncing up and down. Jeff's head tilted to the side in thought.

"Or do you prefer to be called guy when you look like a guy?" Blaine rolled his eyes to the heavens for no real reason other than it was Nick and Jeff, and they could put their feet in their mouths when they weren't thinking.

"I don't mind," he admitted. "Right now I'm Wade, but tomorrow I'll be Unique."

"Blaine," said Artie, holding out the video camera in his hands. "I've got the whole thing, including Sebastian's speech, so you can edit it or whatever you want." Blaine took it with a grateful smile .

"Thanks Artie, and all of you…" he looked around the grinning, pink cheeked, faces of the New Directions. Finn had joined the group, his hands falling onto Wade's shoulders. "…just…_thanks_; we couldn't have done it without you. You came up with the idea of doing this, and the idea of putting it on the web, so…_thanks_."

Blaine knew that he didn't have to thank the New Directions for what they had done – Wade was one of their own, and they were protective of their own – but he still felt like he should. The New Directions hadn't once mentioned him leaving in any manner that wasn't polite concern for how he was doing at Dalton, and no one had mentioned Kurt to him either. He knew that they hadn't forgotten, but he also knew that they still cared about him, and that he was still one of them. He liked the feeling that he still belonged with them, but he was also fully aware that he belonged more _because_ he had left; they felt guilty and like they should have done more to make him stay… He knew that nothing would have made difference.

Blaine wished that he could say something that told them how much he appreciated what they were doing – you only felt guilty if you cared – but he didn't have any words. He knew that nothing could ever really be the same because they, or at least most of them, knew that he was keeping a secret, and he'd screwed up really badly as far as Kurt was concerned, but Blaine knew that he would take it because the alternative was being sure that the New Directions hated him and that nobody cared about him and that they were really only friends with him because he had been Kurt's boyfriend and they'd _had_ to be nice to him, and he was a good singer.

Glancing around and taking in the mingling New Directions and Warblers, who were laughing and chatting in a casual manner, he felt an uncontrollable search of happiness rear up inside of him. Everything had come so far since he and Kurt had broken up. Back then, he was sure that his world was ending and that he would never be able to be happy again because he was such a screw up and he had wrecked Kurt's life and he was dirty, broken and wrong, and the only thing that was stopping him from tipping over the edge was the desire to not hurt Kurt anymore. Now, though, he could say that he was happy. He felt guilty, but he did not hate himself. He didn't hate himself because he _couldn't_ – Eli had violated him – but also he didn't want to hurt any other people. He didn't want to be the one that broke Thad again, or caused David and Sebastian's strength to crumble, or that made Wes feel like a failure, or that destroyed Kurt…

He felt a couple of tears sting his eyes. He wasn't alright, but he knew that he could be. The people were singing, things were changing, and Blaine was going with it wherever it went because that was where his friends were going – Blaine never wanted to be on his own ever again; it was dangerous and destructive.

* * *

"Wow," said David, scrolling through the comments. "it's funny how controversial singing a song can be." Blaine rolled his eyes, and Sebastian whacked him around the back of the head for being stupid. Thad snorted as Nick and Jeff collapsed onto him in laughter.

"I say that's a job well done," said Sebastian, standing up straight and throwing off David's hands that were attempting to maul him. "I guess not everyone at public school is stupid, though they do all smell." Blaine turned a glare onto Sebastian that, naturally, he ignored.

"I hate how you think that _that_ is being polite." Sebastian shrugged, pulling an unconcerned face as David went back to flagging the comments that were homophobic or in some way offensive. Sebastian winced and turned away from the computer screen.

"I think I need to leave before the bad grammar and spelling kills me. How do people with such little brains have the money for computers? Or-" Sebastian broke off, scowling at Thad, who was giving Sebastian a very fierce glare, and Blaine guessed that whatever was meant to follow that statement was very rude. Jeff and Nick began to snigger some more.

"Aww, Thaddy house trained you!" Blaine let out a loud snort as David pressed a hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking violently. Sebastian glared at Nick with an intensity that was clearly meant to set him alight.

"Don't call me Thaddy," said Thad, brushing off Jeff, who was leaving spit on his blazer from where his mouth had been pressed.

"But Johnny gets to call you that!" protested Nick, eyes going wide and bottom lip trembling. Thad rolled his eyes as Blaine leant against David, who had planted his face into the keyboard from laughter, and chuckled.

"Yes, but Johnny is three, and I know that you may behave like a three year old, but that doesn't mean you get to talk like one." There was a mildly surprised pause after in which Blaine shot Thad a knowing look, teasing him silently about picking up bad habits from Sebastian, and Sebastian projected a proud aura onto the room whilst Jeff and David laughed themselves stupid.

"_Thaddy_!" screamed Nick, bursting into fake sobs and throwing himself onto the Warbler councillor. Sebastian jumped forward to catch Thad in time, and the door flew open with a loud bang. Trent came running in.

"Hunter's leaving!" he exclaimed, face red, and everyone turned to stare at him with wide eyes, Blaine feeling his face go slack in surprise. _What_? Hunter was _leaving_? Why would he do that? He'd performed with them a-

"Why?" demanded Sebastian, calculating frown falling onto his face. Trent shrugged.

"I don't know, but he's dressed in military uniform and is packing his things into his Jeep as we speak." They all looked between each other with frowns, Blaine could see that Sebastian's mind was whirring at an alarming rate, and then they all made a unanimous decision to dash out of the house, across the frozen grounds and come skidding to a halt in the car park. Hunter looked up at them in surprise.

"Evening all," he said, casually. "if you're here to bid me a teary farewell then you can beat it." There was an incredulous silence, and Hunter rolled his eyes. "And I thought you were meant to have a sense of humour." He threw his last duffel bag into the boot and slammed it shut, turning to face them with a straight back.

"Why are you leaving?" asked Blaine, eventually, because this whole situation was just so weird. The moment that Hunter had probably turned it around with all the Dalton boys he decided to leave. Why would he do that? Hunter sighed, folding his hands behind his back and staring at them evenly.

"You taught me a valuable lesson here; we all have our wars to fight." Blaine frowned at him, mildly, as Sebastian let out a little breath and deflated slightly. "You've got yours, and it's an admirable cause, but it's not mine. To fight yours you need to _care_, and I don't. I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit whether you're treated like equals in society. You _should_, but it doesn't affect me." Blaine frowned some more because he really didn't understand the point that was being made to him, and neither did anyone else…oh, except Sebastian.

"I don't understand," said David, rubbing a hand over his forehead. "Are you saying that you don't give a shit about us, but you care about the people in whatever godforsaken country we've decided to siege or liberate or interfere with or…_whatever_?" Hunter sighed and shook his head.

"No…" he sighed once more. "Look, I came to Dalton to do a job, and I'm not needed to do that job so I might as well deploy myself somewhere useful, but, also, I need to fight the real wars _because _I don't care. None of you would last in combat, _real_ combat, and I can mourn, I can say that's a waste of life, but I can also _deal_ with it…none of you can. I can _accept_ death, and maybe that's not a good thing, but it makes me a damn good solider. I can take risks," he looked directly at Thad, who swallowed but nodded. "and I can make sacrifices. In the end, I'm needed just as much as all of you are for your little…" he made a strange gesture with his hands. "_perfect _world." Blaine nodded because now he got what he was saying. The others were also nodding.

"Alright…you go murder people for a living." Hunter gave David a patronising glare before shrugging.

"For the record, I don't like any of you; we're all arrogant sons-of-bitches, but you do have my respect." Blaine felt a faint smile curve his lips as Hunter made his way to his car door, preparing to get in and drive off.

"Oh, Hunter," said Nick, taking half a step forward. Hunter looked at him, raising an eyebrow, and Nick swallowed. "try not to get shot." Hunter raised his eyebrow further, a smirk appearing on his face.

"You haven't become emotionally attached to me, have you?" Nick glared at him.

"Don't kid yourself, Clarington, I just don't want to miss the moment you become a wreck from all the death you've experienced, and I get to laugh in your face about becoming emotionally attached and then destroyed." Hunter rolled his eyes, and Blaine laughed along with the others because they could all hear the fond teasing in his voice.

"Funnily enough, Nicholas, dying isn't on my to-do list."

"Alright then," said Nick, giving him a mock-salute with two fingers. The others copied the gesture. Hunter rolled his eyes, snapping his heels together and giving them a real one whilst shooting them a look that said; _and __**that**__ is how you salute_, and got into his car. There was a pause as they watched him drive off, Blaine smiling slight because he'd turned out alright.

"You know, I think Dalton should become a reform school for grade A bastards; I mean, we've converted Sebastian and Hunter…I'm sure we can change anyone." Sebastian reached over and tweaked Jeff's ear, making him yelp in pain.

"Hey, maybe it's Thad," said David, swinging an arm over Thad's shoulder. "have you noticed how all these people become nice after they do bad things to him? We could market him." Blaine burst out laughing, along with all the others, at the sight of Sebastian's scowl and how he'd peeled Thad away from David. Nick, Jeff and Trent immediately began teasing him as Thad went pink, and David was bent double, slumped against Blaine, almost making his legs buckle as they both laughed in a delirious manner.

Blaine was at the best school with the best friends _ever_.


	19. Chapter 19

**_Dear Readers, _**

**_Once more, I'm grateful for the support of my story however you do it. Unfortunately, though, school seems to be sapping my creative juices from me and so writing is slowing down quite considerably. Fingers crossed I'll still be able to update every week, but if I don't then blame exam questions and revision and the mind-numbing boredom of re-learning things. _**

**_To Chrisch; yes, I'm going to pretend that all of what happened was completely intentional and not randomly inputted into the story because of songs and my brain controlling my fingers and typing stuff without letting me know...I can certainly have a go at writing that POV of a McKinley student, but just to clarify; you meant a random person, right? Someone who wasn't in New Directions?_**

**_Hope you enjoy!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go."_ ― Steve Maraboli, _Life, the Truth, and Being Free_

* * *

Kurt knew that he really shouldn't be annoyed by the fact that the Warblers' video had been seen by millions of people around the world. After Dave's phone call, he knew that it was genuinely doing good and helping people that may feel isolated or on their own, but that didn't change the fact that whenever he thought about it he remembered Blaine's arm around Sebastian's waist and the smile on his face. He hated that image; the two of them united together, and he simply wanted to gouge his eyes out every time it was conjured up by his mind.

It had been hard to focus on his work because the office was buzzing with the news of what had happened. People were sharing the video with others; commenting on their talent, courage and good-looks, and Kurt was simply unable to get away from it. He half wanted to call Blaine and say…_something_, but he couldn't. He also desperately wanted to talk to Dave, make sure that everything was okay, but he couldn't do that either because he knew that Dave needed time with his friends to believe that they truly accepted him.

So, he stuck out the remaining time at work by staring at the computer screen and running the _Les Mis_ soundtrack in his head, purposefully missing out _Do You Hear the People Sing?_ because that would be counterproductive, until he could dash off home and wait for Rachel to arrive. He was fairly confident that she would have seen it because it was the kind of thing that would spread around NYADA like wildfire, and he didn't know why he wanted to know that, but it mattered to him – for whatever reason.

The moment that Rachel came back, Kurt knew that he was completely right. She bit on the inside of her lip, and Kurt watched her with a blank expression as she peeled off her outer layers and made her way, instinctively, towards the coffee.

"So…" she said, pouring herself a piping hot drink and putting her hands around the warm mug. "I take it you saw the video too?" Kurt swallowed before nodding, raising his own mug to take a sip and so delaying speaking.

"Yeah," he said, when he'd lowered it and swallowed. "other people found it, and they remembered that it was my old school – _schools_, technically, I suppose." Rachel nodded, pulling a smile onto her face that looked a little bit strained and tense.

"So, what did you think of it?" he let the question hover between them for a moment as he turned it over in his mind because he was still struggling to fully form a response to that question. He shrugged in an attempt to appear casual.

"It was good," he said, finally. "You can't fault anything that they did," he added at the mildly surprised look on her face. He sighed, noting the beginnings of disbelief in her expression. "Look, Dave called me." Her eyebrows leapt up her forehead.

"_Karofsky_? Is he alright?" Kurt nodded, holding up a hand to calm her down.

"Yes, he's fine. What he actually wanted was some help as to how to come out. His friends had seen the video and had a positive response to it, so he wanted to come out…" Kurt shrugged. "They already knew, apparently, but it was good for him to be able to come out and for them to accept it." Rachel broke out into a smile.

"That's great! His new school is different, then?" Kurt pulled a face, considering it because, whilst Dave's friends were obviously liberal, he had no idea what the school as a whole was like.

"I don't know about the school as a _whole_, but his friends were different to all the other jocks we've ever been unfortunate enough to encounter." Rachel gave him a look that said that all the guys in the New Directions had been on the Football team at some point or another – including Kurt himself, but that was a completely different matter – but Kurt felt his point was fully justifiable because they'd _grown_ to accept him and become less like jocks and more like actual _people_.

"Right…" said Rachel, clearly picking up on the awkward atmosphere between them after that statement. "well, do you know _why_ they did it? I mean, it was clear that it had something to do with Wade, but…" she shrugged. "I read the description, and it sounded…_bad_." Kurt let out a sigh, sinking back against the counter as he pulled a face.

"I called Finn," he said, a little cautiously except Rachel had kissed Brody so she was definitely okayish about everything that had happened, and she gave him the tiniest of nods. "and he said," voice more confident now that he was sure that Rachel wasn't about to break down or anything. "that Wade had been being bullied worse since they'd lost Sectionals for being Unique, and that he was cornered by some guys on the Hockey team so he took him to Dalton…to _Blaine_," he swallowed, painfully reminded of how much support Blaine had offered him when he had been on his own, completely adrift from everybody else and living in fear.

"Oh," said Rachel, quietly, in a manner that suggested she had already half-guessed that but hadn't wanted to say it because she did not want to bring up Blaine. Kurt wasn't about to come to pieces just because she mentioned his ex. He had to become resilient, immune, to Blaine. Blaine was nothing more than a dreadful virus; infecting him, wearing him out, fighting with him, and then passing off – _beaten_ – but ready to inflict their pain and damage onto someone else.

"Anyway, Finn said that Blaine went to talk to Artie, Tina and Sam, and that they wanted to make a point…" he trailed off, taking a deep breath and attempting to apply mental bleach to the image of Sebastian and Blaine with their arms around each other's waists, sliding together, lips millimetres apart, noses brushing, as they went to close the distance and-

"_Kurt_?" Rachel's sharp voice brought him crashing back from his horrible imaginings of Blaine and Sebastian locked in a lover's embrace, and he jolted, shaking his head slightly in an attempt to get the image to turn into an inconceivable blur. However, it stayed imprinted there in perfect, picture sharp, quality – who'd have thought. "Are you alright?" Kurt focused himself, once more, back on Rachel, whose face was a mixture of concern and mild alarm at his lack of attention.

"Right, sorry," he shook his head once more. "Apparently anyone harassing them has to face the wrath of the entire student body of Dalton." Rachel looked understandably underwhelmed by that statement because, with the exception of Sebastian, none of the boys there had ever shown the slightest inclination towards violence, or much strength – physical or moral. "I think it's mainly _Sebastian_," he added after a pause. "according to Finn, when Hunter called Thad a "_faggot_" Sebastian threw him over a table." Rachel's face became the dictionary definition of shock as her eyebrows leapt up, her mouth dropped open and her eyes widened.

"_Hunter_?" demanded Rachel, brow furrowing together as she attempted to place the name. Kurt let out a sigh.

"He's a Warbler; they don't get on." Rachel's continued frown told Kurt that she had could not understand why a Warbler would insult another in that manner, especially not when you considered what Thad had just been through. "I don't know anything more. I think Finn saw it, or something, when he went to Dalton, or something." Rachel nodded, but the frown was still on her face.

"Ah well," she said, eventually, heaving a sigh. "I suppose it's doing good, isn't it? That's all that matters. If it's doing things like what it did for Dave then…" she trailed off, glancing at Kurt, but Kurt understood where she was going with that statement. It didn't matter that Sebastian and Blaine were flaunting their relationship – alright, it could hardly be classified as _flaunting_ when you compared it to Nick and Jeff – all over the internet because it was helping people, and for that Kurt would have to grudgingly admire them.

* * *

"Rachel, are you positive this is the right street?" Kurt was striding down a street in some part of New York he was unfamiliar with in the dark, tired after a long day's work, and wondering why on earth he had agreed to getting Rachel some _thing_ that she desperately needed. Honestly, Kurt was far too lenient on Rachel. He should have told her to get off her arse and gone on her muscles that were aching after to dance practise to get it herself.

"_**Yes**__, you've asked me that three times already! Now, it's number 213."_ Kurt rolled his eyes and made his way further down the street, counting the numbers on the buildings with great care. _"Stop rolling your eyes,"_ said Rachel, and Kurt repeated the action and let out a huffy sigh to accompany it, just to press his point. He could hear Rachel chuckling over the line, which he didn't particularly like because there was nothing amusing about him wondering around like a helpless puppy with only Rachel for directions.

He came to a stop abruptly when he reached number 213 and glared at the front of the building, which was clearly a restaurant and not a shop to buy whatever it was that Rachel wished to acquire. He let out an angry huff of air, becoming painfully aware that the fingers that were holding his phone were turned pink and numb from being exposed to the cold for so long.

"_Rachel_," he grumbled in a highly irritated tone of voice. "this is _not_ the right place."

"_I'm sure it is,"_ she said, mildly, and Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose because he could not believe that he was standing outside in the freezing cold when he could be tucked up under a comforter at home with a mug of coffee and some warm cookies, watching something on the TV.

"It's an Italian _restaurant_!" he exclaimed, not bothering to attempt to mask his annoyance with the situation that he had found himself in. "How can it _possibly_ be the right place?" There was a pause between them.

"_Goodbye Kurt!"_ she exclaimed, chirpily, and then hung up. Kurt growled in frustration, taking the phone from his ear and glaring at the screen that told him that she had disconnected the call. When he got home he was going to redefine the meaning of hell. If she thought that Cassandra July was a demon than she had yet to experience the wrath of Kurt Hummel when he had been frozen and misdirected and-

"Hey Kurt!" Kurt leapt in shock, sliding slightly on the icy pavement, and a strong hand grabbed onto his upper arm to stop him from tumbling, in a highly undignified manner, to the ground. He blinked a couple of times and stared up at the bulky, well built, figure of Dave Karofsky that was standing before him.

"Dave?" he questioned in shocked wonder as the Footballer let go of his arm and gave him a sheepish smile. He blinked a couple of times, completely taken aback by Dave's appearance, but incredibly glad to see him after having very little communication with him after his phone call. He took a couple more seconds to collect his thoughts and get his brain back into gear before smiling widely at him. "It's so good to see you!" he exclaimed and pulled him into a hug that Karofsky returned strongly, using his muscles to crush Kurt's slender frame.

"It's great to see you again too…um, _surprise_!" said Dave, taking a couple of steps back and grinning in a nervous manner at Kurt. Kurt rolled his eyes, slowly putting together the fact that this had been a set up by Dave and Rachel to get him here without him having any idea of what was going on. "And Merry Christmas!" Kurt blinked several more times.

"_Merry Christmas_?" he questioned, a little bit confused because, whilst he was glad to see Dave, he wouldn't exactly call this a Christmas present, mainly because he was _freezing_. Dave rolled his eyes a little bit and gestured towards the restaurant.

"I didn't pick the spot because it was scenic!" Kurt huffed out some laughter, rolling his eyes. "Should we go in? I can explain when we're not losing feeling in our feet!" Kurt nodded in complete agreement because he was becoming uncertain that he would ever be able to move his toes again. He followed Karofsky into the well-lit building. Dave told the smartly dressed waiter his surname, and they were immediately led to a small, round, candle lit table in a corner.

Kurt took his seat a little bit nervously, not because he was at all uncomfortable in Dave's presence because he was a dear friend, but because the place looked undeniably _romantic_. There were several families scattered around the place, but it was predominantly occupied by _couples_, and no matter how close a friend Dave was Kurt could not forget the gifts, the "_secret_" admirer, the other restaurant and the "_I think I love you_"…

"Dave," he said, cautiously, as Dave opened his menu. "is- is this a _date_? Because, I know I'm single, but I'm not ready for another boyfriend." Dave jolted, setting down the menu and looking at Kurt with wide eyes.

"No! No, oh God, sorry, I haven't explained!" Kurt put his menu on the table, closing it, and clasped his hands before him, waiting for the explanation. Dave took a deep breath. "You know me and my dad came up here as part of my…"_time out_"…from school after all my panic attacks and stuff?" Kurt nodded, slowly and gently to let him know that he was fully engaged in listening to him. "Well, we stumbled across this restaurant and sort of fell in love with the food; we came here pretty much every day!" Kurt gave him a small smile. "Anyway, after we spoke on the phone I sort of…I wanted to say thank you, or something, and so I asked Rachel whether you were coming down for Christmas, and she said no. So we came up with this plan; this is me giving you a Christmas and thank you present." Kurt shook his head, smiling and rolling his eyes.

"You don't have to thank me for _anything_, Dave," he said, seriously, leaning forward across the table. "I did what _anyone_ would have done to help you." Dave rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"We both know that most people would have turned the other cheek or insulted me or-"

"_Some_ people," pressed Kurt because he was not letting Dave fall back into the mentality that no one in the world cared about him after everything that had happened; the video, coming out to his friends, and they were building blocks that Dave could use to keep moving forward with his life. Dave rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. Kurt, this _really_ matters to me, alright? I- you _really_ have to let me say thank you for everything that you've given to me. Not only did you forgive me after everything that I did to you – for _genuinely_ threatening your life when there was no…_army_ there to back you up – but you also took me coming onto you really well, and you went above and beyond what anyone had to do for me…You drove over to me in a second when I had my first _panic attack_ at the idea of going to _school_. You spent hours talking to my dad. You tried to get through to my mum, and you refused to give up on her. You gave me more than I could have ever asked for, or expected… and far more than I ever thought I would have needed."

Kurt stared at Dave, kind understanding and a small smile melting onto his face at his words. It was all completely unnecessary, but Kurt knew that it was something that Dave felt he had to do. Kurt had felt the need to thank Blaine endlessly for his help when he'd first provided it so, whilst it was completely unnecessary, he also completely understood why he had to do it.

"Alright," he said, taking a deep breath and composing his face. "how about this? You have the intention that this is a thank-you-Christmas dinner, and I accept the Christmas part of the dinner and keep the thank-you part in my memory so the next time you attempt to thank me for anything that you don't need to I can stop you." Dave's face split into an easy grin at Kurt's word as he rolled his eyes.

"Okay, deal," he extended his hand across the table, and they shook firmly, Kurt smiling at the slightly ridiculous nature of what they were doing.

"So," he said, opening the menu. "what do you recommend?"

After ten minutes or so of pouring over the menu and realising that their combined knowledge of Italian was incredibly poor, they had finally managed to order their pasta dishes and Dave had a beer and Kurt had some juice to sip on. Kurt was currently examining Dave's posture over the glass rim of his cup and saw that he was relaxed in a manner that Kurt had only really seen when he was around Kurt and his dad, and to some extent Blaine. He could tell that the months out of school, and Ohio, had done him a lot of good, not to mention his friends accepting his sexuality so readily and being understanding of what had happened to him.

"Is there any reason," he began, a little cautiously. "that you came up here on a Friday?" Dave let out a sigh, shifting in his seat and looking around the room.

"My dad wanted me to be out of the house this weekend. Originally, I was going to stay with Adam, but then me and Rachel came up with this plan. I guess, I should probably tell you at this point that she said it was okay for me to crash on your sofa, that is okay, right?" Kurt smiled, rolling his eyes.

"Of course that's fine! We can hang out on the weekend, but, I have to ask, why did your dad want you to leave the house this weekend?" Dave sighed one more time.

"My parents are finalising their divorce this weekend," he said in a quiet voice that was laden with sadness. Kurt felt his face fall because he could not quite imagine the pain of what Karofsky was experiencing. He knew the harrowing experience of losing a parent – a _mother_ – but he could not begin to conceive the feeling that was knowing that your mother thought you were diseased and wrong and wanted you solely for the purpose of finding a cure. He did not _want_ to imagine that.

"I'm sorry," he said because he had no other words to offer in comfort. Karofsky bit down on the inside of his lip and gave a shrug. Kurt knew that it hurt to simply think about what his mother had said and done.

"Yeah, but…I'd rather- I'd rather not talk about it…My dad said that if she keeps trying to "_force her opinion_" onto me then he's going to try and get a restraining order…He thinks that it's a danger to me." Kurt nodded, mind conjuring up memories of Thad and his all-consuming fear of his parents not accepting him – he had been unable to bear the possibility that his parents may say some of those things to him.

"It is," he muttered, quietly, and Karofsky's head canted to the side ever so slightly. Kurt sighed. "I don't know if you heard, but Thad Harwood – he's at Dalton, he sang the third solo in the video, after Sebastian and Blaine – he tried to kill himself…He came out to his parents, and he couldn't handle what his parents might say to him." Dave's face suddenly went blank, and Kurt knew that he was suppressing emotions and memories that had flared up at Kurt's reminder of what he'd done that had been as subtle and painful as ripping off a plaster.

"I suppose that makes sense," he said, slowly, once he'd exhaled. Kurt quirked his eyebrows in confusion, and Dave sighed. "I went to Dalton to thank them too… I saw Blaine, Sebastian, Trent, Thad, Nick, Jeff and…" he frowned for a second, the other name eluding him. "…and David, and Thad looked pretty uncomfortable, and Sebastian wouldn't let go of his shoulder the entire time; I guess I understand now."

There was a long, heavy, silence between them. Kurt knew that Dave was mulling over everything that he'd done, and the latest discovery of suffering, and Kurt allowed him his silence because he knew it was hard. Having all those feelings thrown up into your face after you'd pushed them down, left one completely out of control, and the most important thing was getting a handle on all of that before it got the better of you.

"Can we talk about something else?" asked Dave, abruptly, after they'd sat in silence as their meal was delivered to them. "I was attempting to give you a Christmas present – it was meant to be merry and cheerful." Kurt smiled at him, poking his fork into the creamy sauce that coated the penne.

"Of course…why don't you tell me about your friends – the ones you came out to?" Dave's face brightened considerably as he twirled the spaghetti around his fork.

"Well, I came out to four of them; Adam, Gary, Mitch and Jack, and they're like my best friends, or whatever. We're all on the Football team. Adam and Jack were both held back a year so they're the same age as me, which is good – you stop feeling like an idiot, though I get _much_ better grades than I did at McKinley; mostly As now – and Mitch was skipped a year ahead. Gary's the only one who's in the "_right_" year."

"How did you make friends with them?"

"Well, Adam was assigned to orientate me because we were both held back a year. We have identical timetables, and the same interests – he's QB – and we just sort of clicked. The other three were Adam's main friends, and everything just seemed to go right for once…"

* * *

On Saturday Kurt, Rachel and Dave did _nothing_. Dave and Kurt came back late and only got up at around midday. Somehow Rachel had not woken either of them up, and they scrounged a lunch of pasta, cold sausage and salad as they sat and laughed whilst inhaling coffee. Then they flopped down onto the sofa and began to catch up with each other's lives; Dave taking polite interest in NYADA and Vogue and telling them more stories of his new school.

It was enjoyable, and Kurt felt fully able to relax, sinking into the back of the sofa with his whole body loose and without tension for once. He could simply sit there in the warmth and not be constantly reminded of Blaine and Sebastian because, though his and Dave's relationship was similar in many ways to what Blaine and his had been like at the beginning, he was fully focused on somebody else. His own problems faded into the background as he listened, with pride and pleasure, to the life that Dave had built for himself, and he saw how so very far he'd come from when he'd been in that hospital bed when everything had seemed to be at its end.

The closest he'd come to thinking of Blaine had been when he'd thought of Thad – it was hard not to see the parallels between his and Dave's situation – and found that now, more than ever, he could completely stop worrying about him because he could be more than fine with all the support that he had.

They somehow wound up watching the crap that was on TV until midnight, making snide comments and jokes about whatever was occupying the screen. Kurt ended up dozing on Rachel's shoulder, eye lids attempting to close as the warmth from being squashed between Rachel and Dave made him even more drowsy. He felt so calm and peaceful as Rachel fumbled for the remote in order to turn the TV volume down, allowing Dave's heavy breathing to filter into the room instead. He turned to Rachel, identical smiles about how childlike the beefy Footballer could appear whilst asleep, and Kurt used his last strength to pull Rachel into a tight hug.

"Thank you," he said through his yawn. He would have let out some form of "squee" noise, but he was too tired to formulate such a high pitched sound. Rachel let go of him that excited, happy, smile of hers somehow punching through the tiredness that was clouding her face.

"It's was nothing-" she said, breaking off to yawn widely. "-you haven't really hung out and had a good time in ages, and it's nice to see him again," she shrugged. "There are so many mean people in the world, and the only way we're going to get past them is if we hold onto those that are nice…" Kurt yawned once more, not able to articulate any kind of response and simply dropped his head onto her shoulder, allowing his eyes to fall shut.

* * *

"So, what do you feel like doing today?" asked Kurt, stretching and touching his hair in a nervous manner because he wasn't sure that it had recovered from his night on the sofa. Dave stared at him with a smile.

"Your hair's fine, Kurt," he said, stretching and rolling his neck so that it clicked. Kurt sent him a withering look that said, given that Dave's hair was sticking up in an irregular manner, that he would completely disregard what had just been said to him. Dave rolled his eyes. "My flight leaves at around five, and I should probably be there a good hour before hand." Kurt glanced down at his phone and saw that it was quarter past one; they hadn't woken up until Rachel's phone went off, telling her that Brody wanted to meet up, and she'd dashed around in a panic to be ready in forty-five minutes.

"I suggest a bracing walk in the cold," he said, and Dave nodded and then glanced at his own phone that was lying by his hand in a nervous manner. Kurt sat forward in his chair, having spotted Dave doing that regularly ever since he'd put it there, and fixed him with an intent look. Dave caught it and deflated slightly, sighing.

"I'm waiting for my dad to say that it's over," he let out a long sigh. "I guess I'm hoping that a text will come through, and it'll say that my mum's changed her mind, that she accepts me and that everything's going to go back to normal…stupid, right?" Kurt rolled his eyes and sent him a glare that told him that the only thing that was stupid was the fact that he thought that wishing for that was stupid.

"It's not stupid," he corrected, firmly, and Dave looked at him with a rather torn expression on his face. Then his eyes misted up, and he leant forward to rest his forehead onto the clenched fist of his right hand, whose elbow was propped up on the table. Kurt leant forward too, letting out a great sigh. "Dave, you want your mum back, of course you do; she's your _mum_!" He let out a strangled, incredulous, noise, not able to fully communicate what he was thinking. He sighed once more. "I know how it feels to lose your parent, but I have the blessing that is the knowledge that she didn't leave me by choice, and that she would love me no matter what…you don't have that, and that I can't understand…can't _begin_ to understand how that must feel."

"It just still hurts," he whispered in a soft voice. "I just- I can't get a hold of it…I've had _months_ to get used to it, but I still can't…I just feel _so weak_." Kurt reached across, taking hold of his right wrist and pulling it down so that he could take his hand and squeeze it.

"Listen to me, Dave," he said, gently. "you're not weak. You may have had months to come to terms with your mother's views, but you were loved by her for _years_, and suddenly, through no fault of your own, you had that all snatched away from you. Anyone would struggle to come to terms with it, and all of this-" he reached forward and prodded at Dave's bicep. "-this physical strength, counts for nothing." Dave looked at him with a frown creasing his brow, and Kurt knew that he'd lost him with that statement.

"Huh?" asked Dave, looking marginally better now that he was confused and not sad/depressed, and Kurt rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.

"You're giving yourself a hard time because you're a _physically_ strong person; you see yourself, and other people see you, as _strong_, but this is a different type of strength altogether." Dave stared into his eyes like he held all the answers to every question, and Kurt held onto his hand a little bit tighter because he could do this, he understood, and he was here to help. Kurt knew that people saw him as weak for being slender in statue and delicate looking, but Kurt knew that he had an inner strength that had stopped him from ever truly breaking.

"How did you- how did you do it?" choked out Dave, and Kurt shrugged.

"I don't know…I did it because I set my sights on the future, I did it because I believed in myself, I did it because I _knew_ that I was right and that everyone else was wrong, and I did it…" he trailed off, mind floating back to Junior year and Blaine; his hand grabbed on the staircase, the way being dragged down a corridor was magical, his eyes and his voice, his back slamming into the fence, his smile, his _courage_… "I did it because I had _help_. I found someone that had the strength that I lacked, and I fed off it – they gave it to me and allowed me to be brave, and strong, and courageous…"

Their eyes met, and they could see in each other's eyes the memory of that day when Kurt had stood up to Karofsky and had finally set him on the path to self-acceptance by making a small part of himself admit that he was gay. They both knew that Kurt was reaffirming what he had already offered a long time ago, but Kurt also knew that he had to say it one last time. Just one more time to _make_ him believe it. To pull the knowledge back into the forefront of his mind from where it had been pushed by other things.

Karofsky's phone chimed all of sudden, before Kurt could say anything more, and Dave picked it up, taking in a huge breath through his nose, and answered it. Kurt let go of his hand, allowing them both to sit back so that Dave could have some breathing space whilst he spoke to his dad.

"Yes dad, I'm fine…thanks, no it's just me and Kurt…no, we haven't been up that long…Oh, yeah, right…I'm alright dad, just…please tell me…okay, okay…yesterday? I guessed, dad…I know…okay…yeah…I know…I- dad, I'll- I'll be alright…I'll see you this evening…yeah, I know…I- I love you, dad…bye." Kurt swallowed as Dave hung up, his jaw tensing as he looked at Kurt through eyes that were hiding behind a curtain of shimmering tears. Kurt took in a huge breath and got to his feet and moved over to his side.

"Your parents were divorced yesterday?" he asked for clarification. Dave nodded, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"Yeah…dad didn't want to ruin my weekend, but he didn't want mum to somehow get in touch with me first." He sighed, and Kurt put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it firmly to constantly remind him that Kurt was there to help him. Dave put his head in his hands, taking some deep breaths. Kurt knew that he was beginning to cry and so slipped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him close and mentally cancelling the walk because what they needed was some comfort and not their extremities freezing off.

"I'll be your strength," he promised, quietly because he wanted to gently remind him of that, not make him feel even weaker for needing Kurt to be strong for him. "You're not on your own," he bit down on the inside of his lip because he could not imagine how it must feel to not see your parent again because they were a _danger_ to you. "I'll promise you that I'll be strong when you can't…"


	20. Chapter 20

**_Dear readers, _**

**_Yes, I actually am updating today! I genuinely spent most of the week coming up with excuses for about why I wouldn't because I didn't think I'd get round to doing it - they mainly involved school work and other characters being pushy and deciding that they wanted me to write them, and this lot apparently napping in my mind because they've had it pretty good as far as writing time is concerned - but I did! In case you hadn't noticed, I feel very proud of myself for doing so! Although, I do regret using the proof-reading tool on the editing page because it seems to hate the passive voice (something I apparently use a lot without noticing) and it thinks that a load of what I've written is a complicated expression or redundant...I'm trying hard not to be insulted by a piece of computer software, but it's very hard! Also WHAT KIND OF SPELL-CHECKING THING DOES NOT APPRECIATE THAT "WEAK" IS A WORD?! Rant over. Anyway, thanks again to all of you for reading, favouriting, alerting and reviewing; I appreciate it!_**

**_On another note, as requested by Chrisch, I've started work on a one-shot perspective of a student at McKinley during the 'Do You Hear the People Sing?' scene. It's not finished yet, but it hopefully will be sometime this week. At the moment it's called "Clarity" so, if you're interested, keep an eye out because that should be appearing some time. _**

**_Enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter."_ ― Lewis Carroll, _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

"I can't believe you fell over!" exclaimed David as Blaine self-consciously touched the plaster on his forehead that he'd gotten from the school nurse. Sebastian, who was sitting in one of the armchairs that were scattered around Dalton's wide halls, smirked up at him, and Thad, who was leaning against said armchair, turned a page in his book and kept on reading in an oblivious manner.

"I was reading the music," he retorted as Sebastian got to his feet and grabbed onto Thad's elbow, dragging him to his side, and shot him a glare that either meant that he was an idiot for attempting to read and walk at the same time or that Sebastian was annoyed about Thad ignoring him, but Blaine wasn't sure which, and then sent Blaine a condescending look.

"_I_ was reading the music too," he pointed out. "In fact, if I recall the situation correctly, we were _all_ reading the music!" he gave Blaine another "you are stupid" glare, and Blaine made a vague swatting motion with his hand that silently implied that Blaine found Sebastian as annoying as a fly. David broke out into a grin and began to make buzzing noises. Blaine kicked out at him and almost lost his balance. Sebastian grabbed onto his shoulder and righted him, shooting him a look that said he should not attempt any kind of agile move again.

"Please don't do that in the performance," said David, seriously, after a couple of minutes, and Blaine rolled his eyes because he had never fallen over whilst performing, not even when he was really drunk.

"I have _never_ fallen over in a performance before," he said with some semblance of pride in his voice, which he immediately realised was a mistake from the incredulous looks that he got from David and Sebastian – Thad was still busy with his book – that said that was nothing to be proud of. He rolled his eyes. "_What_? I haven't!"

"Oh, Blainey," said David, slinging an arm around his shoulder and shaking his head whilst projecting a wise look onto him. "_never_ say something like that." Blaine rolled his eyes once more and chanced a look at Thad, who was managing to continue reading, completely trusting Sebastian to not let him walk into anything.

"What are you reading?" demanded Sebastian, taking the book from Thad's hands after they'd walked a little while in silence. Thad looked up with a fierce glare on his face as Sebastian examined the book. "_The Divine Comedy_," he read aloud, one eyebrow quirked, and Blaine and David shared eye rolls, both predicting a row between Sebastian and Thad; now that Sebastian was mildly convinced that Thad wasn't about to try and kill himself again, he seemed to think that the best way to help take his mind off it all was by pissing him off.

"Give that back!" snapped Thad. "I'm very behind on my reading! If I don't finish that soon then there's no way I'm going to read _The Count of Monte Cristo_ over Christmas and finish _Moby Dick_. Give it back!" Sebastian pulled a face that said he'd rather not, and Blaine sucked in a huge breath through his nose whilst David began to count how long it would take before one of them – _Thad_ – started pushing and/or shoving and swearing.

"You should take a break," said Sebastian in a surprisingly mild tone of voice as he held the book above his head and Thad leapt up to attempt to snatch it back. "You stay up until _midnight_ reading. I would know, we do share the same bed." Thad kicked out at Sebastian, going scarlet and looking around to make sure that no one other than Blaine and David had heard that. The corridor was mercifully empty because Blaine was pretty sure that if that secret got beyond Nick, Jeff and Trent than Thad would murder Sebastian – he was pretty touchy about the subject for a reason that Blaine couldn't quite discern other than the fact that he hated the implication that they were sleeping together…and Blaine couldn't blame him for that.

"_Bastian_!" he yelled, shoving him much harder than normal, and Blaine shared a worried look with David because he got the feeling that this was going to tip over the boundary line of play-fighting into the realms of a full on fight. Sebastian came to a stop, eyebrow raised as random tears began to fill Thad's eyes. Thad leapt up and snatched the book and whacked Sebastian with it as he began to cry at an alarmingly fast rate.

"Thad, calm down," said Sebastian, looking wholly freaked out by how quickly the situation had gotten out of control as he edged forward, and David, who was glaring at Sebastian, put a hand on Blaine's shoulder to stop him from intervening. Blaine took in a sharp breath because he got that it was probably best to let Thad get it out of his system, but Blaine hated, _hated_, _**hated**_ watching Thad cry.

"You're _so – fucking – selfish_!" yelled Thad, smashing the paper back into Sebastian's face once more, and stormed off. Sebastian turned to the other two with wide, shocked, eyes. Blaine heaved a sigh whilst David pulled out his phone and called Nick, telling him and Jeff to go after Thad and make sure that he was okay.

"Was that necessary?" he asked, and Sebastian sent him a glare that was ruined by the fact that he looked very brooding and serious. "Bastian, don't piss him off for fun. It's not helpful." Sebastian let out a short puff of air.

"I'm just trying to make things seem normal," he admitted, eventually, as David put his phone away, and he and Blaine shared tired looks of understanding. David ran a hand over his mouth before speaking, carefully;

"We get that, and we know why you're doing it, but...the fact is, Bas, that you and him sleeping in the same bed _isn't_ normal. Every time you say it, it reminds him that you're only nice to him because of what happened, and it makes him feel weak because he _needs_ it to sleep at night." David shrugged, and Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip as Sebastian pulled a face.

"I'm not pitying him," he said, picking up on the unspoken part of what David had said. "I'm doing it because I don't want him to _die_." Blaine felt himself shudder at the idea as Sebastian's whole face convulsed.

"We know," said David in a very calm voice. "I think _he_ knows, but he doesn't like thinking about that either. You can rile him up, that's fine, but don't mention the sleeping in your bed thing, it makes him feel like a baby." Blaine pulled a face as he looked at Sebastian, who rolled his eyes and then nodded.

"So…" he said as they began walking again. "where the hell did you get the impression that you could call me Bas?"

* * *

Blaine was close to clamping his hands over his ears as the three of them walked into the entrance of Dalton, having received a text from Trent saying that there was someone there who wanted to speak to them. David and Sebastian had spent at least half an hour arguing about whether or not David could call Sebastian "_Bas_". The only amusing thing was that David kept threatening to call Sebastian "_Sebby_" or "_Bassie_" if he didn't concede and let him have his own nickname. However, David's whining, and Sebastian in general, was more annoying than that.

Looking around, he felt his eyes widen and his eyebrows leap up at the sight of Dave Karofsky, talking perfectly amiably to Trent, standing in their entrance hall. Feeling a little bit of fear well up inside him, plus a substantial amount of foreboding because Blaine wasn't sure how much more depression that he could handle, he hurried across the hall as Nick, Jeff and Thad appeared. He saw Thad pale, and Sebastian darted over to his side, putting a hand on his shoulder that Thad did not reject as the others made their way over so they stood before Dave.

"Dave," he smiling in a manner that was somewhere between nervous and pleased because Karofsky _was_ a friend now. "it's good to see you. Um…are you alright?" he asked, hurriedly, and Dave nodded, breaking out into a smile that made most of the boys around him sag along with him in relief.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, holding up his hands to show that he was fine. "I actually wanted to thank all of you guys." Blaine blinked in surprise, not sure what that meant but feeling more and more relief flow through him because he was alright. Dave was alright.

"What for?" piped up Nick, curiously, as David patted his shoulder because Blaine was struggling really hard to get rid of that image of Thad in the hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, pale as death and just as still. He chanced a look at Thad and saw that he looked pale and was breathing shallowly, but he was alright…basically.

"For the video. I know you did it for somebody else and some other reason, but…my friends saw it, and they said you were really brave, and I called Kurt-" Blaine swallowed, but focused on Dave's voice because it was _OVER_. "-and he helped me come out…my friends accept me, and they actually already knew, but…" he shrugged, and they all nodded in understanding because coming out meant trusting and caring about other people and accepting and being sure about your sexuality.

"That's great!" said Blaine, breaking out into a real smile because after everything that Dave had been through he deserved to find friends accepted him in a school wherehe felt safe. Dave gave them all a nervous smile that turned into laughter that the others joined in with as Nick and Jeff began to sing an amended version of _Happy Birthday_ – changing the lyrics to "_Happy coming out to you_" – and began to skip around him in circles that betrayed how much they'd been freaking out internally. Blaine could see Thad blinking rapidly, giving Sebastian, who was squeezing his shoulder in a manner that had to be painful, a smile that said he was okay.

Blaine looked up at Dave, who was looking at him in a manner that said he knew that he and Kurt had broken up messily, and managed an even wider smile, the sounds of Nick and Jeff's singing fading a little bit. He reached forward and hugged the Footballer that stood before him, who seemed startled by the gesture but gave him a pat on the back, because he was everything that Blaine needed to see in that moment. He was proof that things got better; he was proof that people changed; he was proof that nothing was permanent; he was proof that there was forgiveness and redemption. As he let go and looked around at all the smiling faces and the laughter, the singing coming back in at full volume, Blaine decided that he never wanted to forget this moment because it was _hope_.

* * *

"See, I didn't fall over," said Blaine, smugly, as they filed off stage after entertaining Dalton, and embarrassing Mr Albernay, with their long medley of songs in which they'd chanced the lyrics so that they referred to him, as well as giving their traditional Christmas performances. He got a lot of slow, sarcastic, clapping that was being directed by Sebastian in response. He rolled his eyes as the others gave him condescending looks or failed to hide their smiles from him. He could see Sebastian's mind formulating his insult inside his head.

"Don't be mean," said Thad, giving Sebastian a pointed look that made the others laugh. "I'm going to go to my parents, and so are the other "_responsible_" people – don't you dare start a fight." Sebastian turned a glare onto Blaine that Blaine copied, grinning inside his head as the other Warblers filtered out to find their families, Sebastian patting Thad on the shoulder without looking at him.

"So Anderson," said Sebastian, when they were alone, and he sidled across to Blaine's side. "we're alone." His voice dropped to a tone that was clearly meant to be seductive, but Blaine was so _not_ attracted to Sebastian that it was just funny. He knew that a couple of people (Nick and Jeff, actually, because they were the only people that would start _that_ conversation) thought it was a bit weird given how he _had_ been, but Blaine chalked it up to the fact that Sebastian was definitely a better friend than anything else, and Blaine relied on Sebastian too much to ever consider messing things up between them, and Sebastian didn't want him in that way anymore either.

"Really?" he asked, shooting Sebastian's condescending look back at him. "I hadn't noticed."

"You think you're so clever, but in reality you're simply trying to drag me down so that you stop feeling so small." Blaine shoved him, playfully, in the chest and made him stumble back several paces.

"So does that mean _you_ tear other people down because you feel so dweadful about yourself?" Sebastian's eyebrow arched, clearly asking where the mock baby voice came from, and Blaine shrugged and pulled a face. Then they both began to laugh at that, and Blaine had no idea what they were doing – Blaine could quite easily go out and join David's family – but he could tell that neither of them wanted to do that; Blaine didn't really want to be reminded of the last time he'd spoken to his father, and Sebastian was probably avoiding Thad's parents because they didn't really like him and he didn't want to make that worse.

"Well that's creepy," said Sebastian, nonchalantly, and Blaine jumped, tearing himself away from thoughts about how Sebastian's maturity waxed and waned, and spun around to see _Burt Hummel_ standing behind him, looking at them with slightly narrowed eyes. Blaine could feel his heart pounding fast, and he wanted to be sick. Why was Mr Hummel here? Had something happened to Kurt? Oh God, he had to be alright. He just- he _had to_ be.

"Blaine," said Burt, eventually, when the silence had gone on for too long, and Blaine was still fighting the urge to gag. Sebastian had patted his shoulder in reassurance, but Blaine could all but _see_ the eye roll that he was suppressing. "it's good to see you again." Blaine nodded and attempted to untangle his tongue.

"Kurt!" he finally managed to get out. "Is he- is he-" he closed his eyes, took a deep breath in and out and then reopened his eyes. "Is he okay?" Burt gave him a long look before nodding.

"Yeah, he's- he's fine…overjoyed about NYADA, actually." Blaine let out a long sigh through his nose, disregarding the part about NYADA for the moment because he had been so scared that something had happened to Kurt. He put his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes furiously because he could not get rid of that feeling of fear and sickness. He felt Sebastian pat his back once more in reassurance.

"I'll let you two bond," he said, turning around and walking away, and Blaine wanted to call something out to make him stay – the last time Sebastian had left him alone to talk to a Hummel Blaine had felt like he was dying – but he knew that Sebastian wanted nothing to do with this conversation. That was probably a good thing.

"How's your friend?" asked Burt, stepping towards him, and Blaine took a couple of deep breaths, blinking because he was really scared about what Burt might say to him. Then he shook his head, focusing in.

"Um, Thad…Um, he's a lot better, actually…" he tried to think of something more to say, but he couldn't formulate any longer form of sentence, so he decided that it was best to just stop trying to talk. Burt nodded, coming to stand before him with his hands in his pockets. Blaine took a deep breath, waiting for him to shout at him, but Burt just stared at him sadly before shaking his head.

"What the hell happened, Blaine?" Blaine furrowed his brow in confusion, and Burt rolled his eyes. "I _know_ that there's something you're not telling, Kurt, and I think that there's a hell of a lot more to this situation than you've tried to make it seem." Blaine could feel his blood running cold. Burt couldn't know. How could _Burt_ know? What the _hell_ was going on? He took a deep breath and shook his head.

"No, sir, there isn't. I was- I was with someone," he swallowed, repressing any memory of Eli and surreptitiously looking around to make sure that Thad wasn't anywhere in the near vicinity. "and I told Kurt because he deserves someone better than me." He looked straight into Mr Hummel's eyes even as his own filled with tears. "We both know that Kurt deserves the best – that's not me, and I was a fool for ever thinking that I could be." Burt stared down at him, and Blaine was sure that he'd won – that Burt would leave – because Burt couldn't argue with that statement, the cold hard facts told him that Blaine was right. Burt shook his head.

"It's not about what my son _deserves_, Blaine, it's about what he _wants_…and he wants _you_." Blaine took a deep breath, trying to keep calm because this wasn't working, this wasn't working at all. Then he remembered Hunter's message. He let out a long sigh.

"No he doesn't." He saw Burt open his mouth to tell Blaine that he couldn't tell him what his son wanted because he knew best and cut him off. "Do you know he message he left me after he got into NYADA?" Burt looked mildly unbalanced and taken aback, and Blaine took that as a no. "He said _thank you_ because if I hadn't broken up with him then he'd never have sung the song and gotten in." He felt savagely pleased at the shock on Burt's face because _why was he here_? Why was he rocking the boat? What did he possibly hope to achieve? Why couldn't he just leave Blaine alone to attempt to get on with his life?

"Play the message," said Burt, suddenly, disbelieving look on his face. Blaine sighed, wondering why he thought Blaine was lying to him because he stood to gain nothing from that, and then shook his head.

"I can't. It wasn't a voice mail. I'd dropped my phone, and Hunter answered it – he was the one that told me." He watched Burt mull it over for a second and crossed his fingers that he would simply leave.

"How do you know that he's not lying?" Blaine felt his expression fall into one of shocked incredulity. What the hell was going on? Why was Burt trying so hard to get them back together? Blaine had hurt Kurt so terribly, Burt was meant to _hate_ him. Why wouldn't he _hate_ Blaine like Kurt did?

"Because," he began, when the silence had become too long once again. "Hunter stands to gain nothing from lying. He can be a bastard, but he has no reason to lie. Besides," he said, pressing his advantage. "Kurt sang _Happy Ending_. The freaking lyrics are; _This is the way you left me I'm not pretending No hope or love or glory No __**happy ending**_ _This is the way that we love Like its forever Then live the rest of our lives But __**not together**_!" He let out an incredulous sigh. "That couldn't have been about anything other than me and him!" There was a long silence in which Blaine wanted to feel victory, but all he felt instead was sadness, anger and uncertainty.

"Why are you trying to make him hate you?" asked Burt, eventually, shaking his head. "He's got this crazy idea that you don't care about him at all. Why the _hell_ would you want him to think that?" Blaine closed his eyes, feeling something inside him crumble because he didn't want to think about this. He put a hand over his face, tears stinging his eyes because he loved Kurt _so much _and all he'd done was make him hate him and doubt everything that had happened between them.

"It's for the best," he said, resolutely. "He's moving on and getting over it." Burt shook his head, and Blaine just wanted to squeeze his eyes shut and put his fingers in his ears to block it all out because he could not hear this. This was for the best. He had done the right thing. Kurt deserved better. Better than Blaine could ever be. He was not doing the wrong thing. He was doing the right thing…right?

"Let me bottom line this for you, Blaine," said Burt in a serious tone of voice that made Blaine's eyes jump back to lock with his, feeling scared. "you hurt my son, _badly_, that is not a safe thing to do, and you are _still_ hurting him because I know Kurt better than you. You may have fallen in love with him, but he is _my son_, and no one knows Kurt better than me." Blaine nodded along to what was being said, feeling genuinely terrified and like Burt might begin to tear him to pieces like he undoubtedly deserved. Burt took a deep breath, clearly calming himself down. "And _I know_ Kurt well enough to know that he is hurt so bad that he's putting up a front, trying to pretend that you two were less than you were, because how can he deal with what's happened? You won't tell him how to fix it, and I can understand that you think that you're doing the right thing, but you're _not_. I know Kurt well enough to know he'll take you, no matter what you've done, because he loves you – and love is unequivocal. What he can't handle is the thought that you don't trust him enough to tell him things...things that _matter_. He's afraid for you, Blaine." Blaine shook his head and took several steps back.

"Mr Hummel," he said, tears in his eyes and with a heavy sigh. "I need you to trust me in this…I know what I'm doing." The lie felt sour on his tongue, and the torn look on Burt's face made him want to bury himself in shame. He had no idea what he was doing, but he knew that Kurt deserved someone who was whole. He couldn't explain it, but Kurt was right; _Can't get no love Without sacrifice…A little bit of heaven And a little bit of Hell_. It would pay off for Kurt in the long run.

"Blaine," said Burt with a voice of forced calm. "did you do anything criminal? Did you hurt anybody?" Blaine blinked in shock, eyes going wide and mouth dropping open. Did they- did they think that? Oh god…Oh no…

"No," he said, shaking his head. "No, Mr Hummel, I _swear_ it's not that." Burt studied him, and Blaine prayed, genuinely _prayed_, that Burt would believe him. It meant so much to him because he'd hurt Kurt, but he wasn't- he didn't want Burt to think he was a criminal or anything… He could feel tears of panicked fear welling in his eyes, and he took some deep breaths to try and steady himself.

"Alright, kid," said Burt, taking a couple of steps forward and putting a strong hand on his shoulder. "Calm down, I believe you. Take some deep breaths." Blaine gladly put his head in his hands and tried to get his racing heart to slow down and for his mind to stop spinning.

"I'm sorry," he gasped out, and he wasn't sure what he was apologising for – losing control, letting him down, hurting Kurt or just _existing_ – but he felt like he ought to get down on bended knee and beg for Burt's forgiveness. In fact, he might end up doing that given that his knees genuinely felt weak and like they might give way and let him fall to the ground to join his reputation.

"It's alright. I just have three more questions." Blaine swallowed, looking up into Burt's understanding eyes that looked a little saddened. He nodded, instantly, though because he owed him the little honesty he could give. "In the hospital, why did you let him walk away?" Blaine took a deep breath and then sighed, letting his expression fall into one of hopelessness because he hadn't had a choice.

"I _wanted_ to go after him," he said, earnestly. "I _really did,_ but Thad's dad had come out of his room. He said that Thad _needed_ to talk to us – me, Bastian, David and Wes…" he trailed off, looking into his face in a defeated manner and saw that Burt understood. He didn't look pleased, but his expression said that he had already half guessed that, and there was nothing else Blaine could have – or _should_ have – done.

"I understand," he said, grimly, patting Blaine on the shoulder. "your friend was hurt…You couldn't have done anything else. I don't think Kurt would have wanted you to have gone after him if your friend _needed_ you when he was in that state." Blaine managed a small smile at that, but he found that he could barely speak.

"You have two more questions?" Burt nodded, straightening up and taking his hand off Blaine's shoulder. His expression was serious, but it had also softened considerably.

"Yeah…look, I know that you and Kurt have started a tradition of singing duets at Christmas," Blaine frowned, taken aback and apprehensive as to where this was going. "I know it may not be…_feasible_ for you two to get back together, but you could still be friends. I know that all Kurt really wants for Christmas – though he's no doubt fixed on moving on and hating you – is _you_." Blaine felt his heart sink because he thought he knew that where this was going, and he couldn't do it.

"Mr Hummel, I-" he began, regret in his voice.

"I haven't asked my question yet," he said, giving Blaine a stern look that made him close his mouth. There was a heavy pause before Blaine gave him a tense smile that Burt nodded to. "Would you come up to New York on Christmas Eve for Christmas day?" Blaine opened his mouth, heart heavy, but Burt continued. "Just sing with him and _talk_…maybe you can move part some of this." Blaine sighed.

"I can't," he said in defeat, shoulders slumping because the idea sounded so wonderful, even though he knew couldn't ruin Kurt's Christmas by telling him the truth. Burt frowned, and he sighed. "When my parents agreed to send me back to Dalton, they made me agree to certain things; one of them was that I had to spend the holidays with them…They'd never let me fly off on Christmas Eve and be gone on Christmas day…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I just _can't_. I'll be lucky to get one day out of the house where I'm not being dragged to the mall by Cooper because he's coming home for Christmas, and he hasn't bought anyone any presents." He rolled his eyes. Burt sighed.

"Are you sure?" Blaine nodded, and Blaine knew that Burt could see the sincerity in his eyes. Burt let out a long sigh, taking several steps backwards, and Blaine knew that he was making to leave. He found himself feel strangely disappointed by that, even though that made no real sense because all Burt had done was stirred things up and make Blaine wonder whether he was doing this because it was better for Kurt or because he was too scared of what Kurt might say to him as a result…

"I'm sorry," he offered again, and Burt shook his head in a manner that said he understood. "You have one more question," he prompted, and Burt nodded, taking in a huge breath, and Blaine braced himself for whatever might come. He told himself that he could handle it despite knowing that he could break so easily.

"If you could turn back time would you change whatever happened to you because you don't want things to turn out like this and because you love Kurt?" Blaine stared at him incredulously for a second. Did he even have to ask that? One look into his serious eyes said that he genuinely did. Blaine swallowed.

"_Yes_," he said, firmly, because he would take all the aching loneliness and the feeling that Kurt was too good for him and that he was simply a lead weight dragging him down and that, eventually, Kurt would cut him loose and let him go. Not only would it meant that he could still put that beautiful smile onto Kurt's face and feel certain of his love for him, but it would save Thad everything that he was suffering. One bad decision, and he'd managed to rain down suffering and desolation onto those around him who cared for him. He'd do anything to take it back, and his own desire to get rid of the horrifying memories that he lived with was relatively near the bottom of his list of reasons.

"Good," said Burt, swallowing and nodding, after his eyes had scanned his face intently, looking for any sign that Blaine could possibly be lying to him. He felt sick because he'd severed people's beliefs in him so completely. No one could trust him anymore – he wanted that back too. Burt cleared his throat. "Good," he repeated, and Blaine stared at him blankly. "because," said Burt, gruffly. "that means you're still the kid that could put a smile on my son's face that would carry him through every horrible day that he had to endure at McKinley. You're still the kid that went out to try to defend him, that stood by him and gave him confidence again. You gave me back my brave little boy because it was wearing him down, slowly but surely, it was getting to him, until he met you, and he found something else that was worth _fighting_ for."

Blaine felt the tears that had pricked and stung his eyes spill over. He swallowed and attempted to scrub them away, but he knew that Burt had seen them. He wasn't sure why he wanted to hide it from Burt, but he felt ashamed of his own tears. Burt gave him a kind smile and walked back over to his side to pat him heartily on the back. He looked like he was searching for something to say, but was naturally lost for words.

"You take care of yourself, kid," he said after Blaine had managed to stop crying. "I've seen enough to know that you still care about my son – that you still love him – and you ought to tell him before you lose the chance. Don't waste your time on other people," he was given a very pointed, knowing, look at that. Blaine blinked, trying to get his mind into the correct gear to understand what that meant. It didn't work. His brain was a complete wreck; it felt numb and sluggish, and he could barely comprehend that Burt hadn't torn him limb from limb let alone any subtleties. Burt gave him a final smile and nod before walking off. He came to a stop. "Have a Merry Christmas, Blaine." He was given a serious look, and Blaine nodded, struggling to find his voice so that he could say the same back. He took several deep breaths and shot him an attempted smile.

"You too…tell Kurt," he broke off, trying to think what to say. "tell Kurt that I wish him a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year." Burt nodded once to confirm that he would pass on his message. Then he left. Blaine sniffed and wiped his eyes. Why did it hurt more each time he let Kurt go?

* * *

"They're so frikkin' cute!" exclaimed Nick, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. Blaine rubbed his eyes, wondering why Nick had dragged them out of bed for this, and looked once more at Thad and Sebastian. The two of them were wrapped up in each other's arms as per usual; Thad's face was pressed into the crook of Sebastian's neck, his right hand tightly balled into a fist so that his knuckles rested directly over Sebastian's heart. Thad's other arm was trapped somewhere between his and Sebastian's bodies, and Sebastian held onto him tightly, one arm hooked around his waist and the other pressing against his shoulder blades so that he was squashed against the taller frame. Sebastian's face rested in the fluffy bird's nest that was Thad's hair. Their legs were tangled together, but it was clear that Thad was curled up into Sebastian's side and that he was being cradled like a small child, _protected_…actually, it was insanely cute.

"It's ridiculous how casual Sebastian is about this," said David through a yawn. "I mean, much longer and they'll be spooning and holding hands and-"

"-they'll be just like you and Evie," said Trent, resting his own head against the doorframe. Blaine blinked at the comparison, thoroughly disturbed by the image of Sebastian and Thad in a relationship. David snorted quite loudly, seemingly brushing off the reference to Evie, whilst both Nick and Jeff looked similarly freaked out by the idea of Sebastian and Thad's relationship being sexual as opposed to...well, Blaine had no idea what their relationship actually would be classified as because it didn't really _look_ like friendship, but it wasn't romantic either...it was just...it just should be _that_, whatever "_that_" was, opposed to anyting else.

"Okay…" said Jeff, slowly. "disturbing mental images aside; _WAKE UP IT'S THE LAST DAY OF TERM_!" There was a moment of silence in which Blaine put a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter as Sebastian jerked upright, eyes flying open and throwing Thad forward. Thad jolted, but the hand that had fisted into Sebastian's shirt stopped him from flopping face forward into the bed sheets.

"Morning all!" said David in a chipper voice as Thad rubbed his eyes and flushed slightly, and Sebastian glared at them, even though there was nothing remotely frightening about him given the way he was still holding Thad against him. Blaine snorted quite loudly, and the others broke down into chuckles and giggles too.

"I'm going to have to get a lock installed," said Sebastian, blithely, raking a hand through his hair, as Thad detached himself from Sebastian and flushed in the same embarrassed manner that he did every day.

"You can't," commented Trent, rolling his eyes. "it's against health and safety." Sebastian made a huffy noise and poked at Thad until he got out of bed. Blaine let out a soft sigh of mild longing, for some reason, as Sebastian muttered something into Thad's ear that caused him simultaneously jump and let out a small giggle. However, before he could discern why he did that and probably end up thinking about Kurt again, Blaine felt his eyebrow arch at the sound, and a happy smile finally spread across his face that stayed. The others all caught the expression on his face and began to laugh and cheer, and Sebastian began to proclaim that he was the most supreme being in the universe and that they should all bow down and worship him…Blaine got the distinct impression that he was only half-joking about that.

Thankfully, it was the last day of term so the fact that it took them well over an hour to get changed and eat breakfast didn't matter – they were waylaid by a pillow fight that was most certainly all Sebastian's fault, though Thad and Blaine may or may not have decided to simultaneously whack Sebastian around the face to get him to shut up – until Trent began to freak out about being late for the final assembly because he was Senior Class President and had a speech to deliver.

Blaine even found himself looking forward to the holidays as he sat between Thad and David in the auditorium and listened to Trent rant about how much of a pain in the ass Sebastian, Nick and Jeff were. He got the impression that Thad, who was being hugged by _everyone_, was going to be alright. Also he'd still have his friends – they were all a button click away, and he'd see them all at David's that weekend. It would be fine.


	21. Chapter 21

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Whether you're religious or not Happy Easter to everyone! Thanks once more for all the support and the positive feedback; it means a lot to me. Okay, just to give you all a heads up, but, because of my upcoming exams, I'm going to put the story on hiatus after chapter 26, which is a way off, because, if I update every weekend, that takes me up to the weekend before my GCSEs start (well, excepting my German oral exam, but I'm really trying not to think about how soon that is!), and, well, as I'm sure you all understand, I want my full focus to be on those. With any luck, I should be able to update again sometime mid-June when they're all over. _**

**_Also, due to some technical difficulties I've had, I haven't got round to finishing the one-shot, but it should be up sometime soon...hopefully. _**

**_To Chrisch; basically, GCSEs are the first set of public exams that you take and you do them at the end of year 11 (so when you're about 15-16), and, essentially, you take them in all your subjects; you basically have to take the core subjects (english, maths and science), but the rest are your choice to a certain degree. The number you take varies, so I do ten subjects and I'll come out with eleven grades (english counts for two), but most people in my school will have nine to ten GCSEs. _**

**_Anyway, long aside about exams over, enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."_ ― Oscar Wilde_, The Importance of Being Earnest_

* * *

Kurt looked up from the screen of his phone as Rachel bounced into the house, leaving a wet trail of snow and slush that Kurt would undoubtedly have to clean up, and let out an excited squeal. Kurt, setting down the phone and arching his eyebrows, silently demanded to know what had gotten her into such a good mood.

"It's the Christmas holidays!" she exclaimed, and Kurt rolled his eyes, realising that NYADA must have broken up for the holidays, and returned to his conversation with Finn about what to buy Carole. Kurt winced at the image of the item of clothing that Finn had picked out and sent him back the word "_no_" in block capitals, followed by several exclamation marks to press the point home.

"Yeah," he agreed, eventually, and smiled when he realised that several other members of the New Directions were texting him for gift help. Rachel flopped down by his side, frowning heavily at his lack of festive cheer, and peered over at the screen of his phone.

"Are you _really_ going to spend the run up to Christmas telling other people what to buy for others as gifts?" Kurt shrugged because he didn't really have anything better to do with his time. After all, he had been ultra-organised, as per usual, and done all of his shopping already.

"I don't see why not," he said, having a look at Mike's text and noting that he needed some cheap gifts for a couple of girl friends that were _just_ friends that were girls that he had made. He got the distinct impression that Rachel was shooting him a disapproving look, but ignored it because he had the feeling that Blaine was going to be dragged into this in a couple of seconds.

"Kurt, is this about Blaine?" Kurt rolled his eyes, noting that she was being far less subtle than normal, and put the phone down, turning to her with an over exaggerated sigh because he had had this conversation _way_ too many times for him to be interested in it.

"No, why would it be about Blaine?" he got a disbelieving look from Rachel, that silently demanded to know whether he thought that he could fool her. Well, he liked a challenge now and again.

"You've lost all your cheer since Karofsky came. I thought that it would make you happier, but now I'm thinking that maybe, because he reminds you so much of what you and Blaine had, it's upsetting you again." Kurt heaved a long sigh, looking away because he could not argue with her on that because it had most certainly been on his mind, but he also was not about to admit that because that meant he'd have to talk about Blaine and how he felt about the situation, and Kurt couldn't be bothered to do that.

"Maybe it has been on my mind, but it's nothing. I enjoyed seeing Dave, but I don't exactly have anything else to look forward to. I mean," he turned his gaze onto Rachel. "I'm going to be celebrating Christmas on my own. I'm not leaving New York, and nothing you can say will convince me to." Rachel let out a sigh of her own and studied his resolute face.

"Alright, I won't pick that fight again." Kurt nodded once to himself in victory, and then got to his feet. Rachel looked at him in surprise.

"Where are you going?" Kurt frowned to himself, not entirely sure what he was doing either, but he wanted to leave. He didn't want to stay in a room where Rachel was going to stare at him in a frankly creepy manner and silently say that he should go back to Lima and see his family. It made him feel claustrophobic and like he was being suffocated by the memory of Blaine and all the happiness that he had lost out and how much he hated – _loved_ – that stupid – _wonderful_ – son-of-a-bitch – _caring_ – hobbit – _munchkin _– that masqueraded as – _was_ – Blaine. He couldn't handle that. He needed to be outside among people that didn't stare and allow his thoughts to wonder off to the greener pastures of NYADA and _Vogue_ and his open future.

"Just for a walk," he said, eventually, as he made his way over to pick up his coat and scarf. Rachel opened her mouth to protest, but Kurt darted from the apartment before she could. He shrugged on the coat, doing it up, and wrapped his scarf around his neck as he stepped out into the cold.

He walked without purpose, feeling the bitterness of the wind and the cool trickle of drizzle running down the back of his neck. He pulled a face, wishing that he'd checked to see whether or not it was raining before he'd left, and turned up the lapels of his coat and inched the scarf up to cover his chin. He knew that he was shivering quite excessively and quickly realised that storming off – sort of – was not the wisest choice he'd made, and he'd made some really stupid decisions of late…_Blaine_, _Blaine_, _Blaine_…and he wrinkled his brow, pursing his lips, and scowled into the material of the scarf.

He vaguely wondered whether there was any point in fighting the fact that Blaine came and went in his thoughts of his own accord. Maybe if he got used to him floating around in his consciousness, than he might be better able to let go of him and move on and become indifferent to him. That sounded like a vaguely good plan, and Kurt would take it if thinking of Blaine wasn't accompanied by a stab of pain somewhere in the region of the heart and a flash of what he thought Blaine might be doing as his imagination went on a flight of fancy. Said flight of fancy tended to bring him back an image of Sebastian, which made him kick the pavement as he scowled even more because he wanted to forget about Sebastian even more than Blaine…God, why did he have to go after _Kurt's_ boyfriend? Why not anybody else?

He raked a hand through his damp hair and picked up the pace of his walking, looking for somewhere that he could stop in to warm himself up. He saw nowhere that particularly appealed to him and considered whether he ought to be less picky about where he stopped in at, but…_no_, someone in the world ought to have standards, and, _yes_, he was fully aware about how pretentious that thought sounded. Someone sue him for thinking that he had good choice and taste in things.

He raked a hand through his hair once more, pulling a face, because now he was _talking_ to himself. Was that talking to himself? He wasn't actually sure, but he was certainly analysing his thoughts on a level that was frankly strange and that he almost certainly wouldn't do if he wasn't desperately trying to keep his thoughts off so many other things. He wanted to block out Blaine, and Sebastian, and…actually, no, the list ended there, but Blaine had occupied such a large part of his mind previously that Kurt counted him as a numerous things depending on the context of what he was thinking about Blaine in.

"_Kurt_?" Kurt jumped slightly, glancing around as the sound of a familiar voice cut through his pedantic thoughts about traffic that he'd been entertaining himself with for the past half hour in which he'd been walking. He frowned around at the other pedestrians until he caught sight of Wes, who was walking out of the entrance to a bookshop, and clearly making his way over to Kurt, with a grin on his face that was completely misplaced given the fact that Kurt deeply resented the ex-Warbler for his arrival seemingly _ages_ ago at his home in New York and for bringing all of _this_; his uncertainties, imaginings and doubts, down upon him as a result. Though, naturally, Wes didn't know that, but Kurt knew that Wes was smart enough to know that Kurt was in no way happy about the part he'd played in the further destruction of his and Blaine's relationship.

"Wes, nice to see you," he said, pulling out a tight, fake smile that he allowed fall away the moment Wes grabbed him into a hug because it was going to take a lot of effort to maintain that grin.

"It's great to see you too, Kurt!" exclaimed Wes, and Kurt felt something strange twist inside of him because Wes genuinely sounded like he was pleased to see Kurt, which was a bit weird. Kurt shuffled his feet, looking at Wes and noting that he was smiling widely, and took a couple of steps back.

"So, um," he bit down on the inside of his lip, not sure what to say. "what are you doing?" Wes blinked and then jumped.

"Oh God, the books!" he exclaimed, eyes flying wide in realisation, and he grabbed onto Kurt's wrist and dragged him back into the bookshop. Kurt let out a mild sigh as he stepped into the warmth of the building, Wes letting go of him, and was allowed to inhale the strangely wonderful scent that was many books piled together onto shelves. He looked around, feeling that he couldn't begrudge Wes for taking him in here because it was so warm, and saw Wes picking up a stack of books that he'd dropped onto the floor.

"Christmas shopping?" he asked, walking over to Wes' side. Wes jolted, looking up with a strangely startled expression on his face given that _he'd_ dragged Kurt into the shop, and then gave him a self-deprecating smile.

"Sort of," he said, straightening up and frowning as he attempted to hold onto all the books at once. "some of these are for my studies, though." Kurt peered at the spines of the books and saw a couple of them were to do with biotechnology, genetics and drugs…he supposed that was pharmaceutical drugs. He frowned, trying to see if he could remember what Wes was studying.

"You're taking biological sciences, right?" he asked, looking up at Wes with eyes that were narrowed in thought. Wes gave him a smile and nodded. "At Columbia?"

"Indeed, would you mind holding these?" Kurt obligingly took hold of two hardback books: _Ulysses_ and _I, Claudius_. "They're for Thad," said Wes, catching sight of Kurt's frown. Kurt nodded at that because he knew Thad just well enough to know that he was more than happy to have his nose stuck in a book. "for Christmas."

"How is he?" asked Kurt, feeling himself relax despite being in Wes' presence because Wes could project such a casual, friendly aura onto people that it made it difficult to be uncomfortable or annoyed with him. Wes let out a long sigh, putting back a book with a frown on his face.

"Healing," he said, finally. "I speak to him most days, and he's coping really well, actually. He got upset over Hunter, but that's all been smoothed over, not that you would know-"

"I do know," said Kurt, cutting across Wes and making him start in surprise. "Finn was there, and he told me once when we were talking." Wes blinked and then nodded rapidly, like he had suddenly remembered that Finn had been there when Hunter had attacked Thad. "How did things get "_smoothed over_" between them?" Wes sighed, ruffling up his hair after shuffling books into the crook of his arm.

"Well, I think it was the incident with Wade…Unique. I think Hunter got a different perspective on the Warblers, and he sort of saw that he didn't really have a job at Dalton anymore. He saw that they didn't have to be at logger heads with each other, and he never meant to hurt Thad." Kurt frowned, confused by that because what other reason would he have for saying it? Wes sighed in an exasperated manner that Kurt was guessed was more directed at Hunter than him. "Hunter only did it to piss of Sebastian, and to some extent David, and he genuinely thought that Thad would see that and not make anything of it." Kurt rolled his eyes, shaking his head because he doubted that anyone would hear an insult like that and think it was not genuine, especially given what kind of mental state Thad was in. "We were lucky that Thad didn't take it badly."

"Yeah…" said Kurt, clenching his jaw because it angered him that Hunter would throw something so serious around like it was nothing just in an attempt to get to someone else. "so they're friends now?" Wes blinked and then burst out laughing, shaking his head.

"Oh no! God no! No, Hunter left Dalton and went back to his old school. They're on amicable terms, though, and I think they have a certain respect for each other. I think, though, the others will always be wary of him because he's completely fine with making sacrifices and taking risks…still, he's not a bad person." Wes made a vague motion with his head and shrugged. Kurt got the distinct impression that Wes either did not fully know or understand what the situation between the boys was, and Kurt couldn't say he was overly interested.

"Oh…I see…" Wes looked at him and rolled his eyes.

"You don't have to feign an interest, Kurt," said Wes in his kindly tone of voice. Kurt found himself smiling at that for no real reason. "So…what are your Christmas plans?" Kurt swallowed slightly, wondering why he kept thinking of Blaine whenever he thought of Christmas. He shook his head, taking a deep breath because how many Christmases had he had before Blaine?

"Nothing much…just staying home on my own…" he let out a small sigh and then shook his head because he was not pitying himself. "What about you?" Wes, who had been frowning at what Kurt had said, broke out into a smile.

"Oh, well, I'm going down to David's for the dinner…you know?" He asked it a little hesitantly, knowing that he was mentioning something that would remind Kurt of Blaine if he knew what Wes was talking about. Kurt rolled his eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, I know about David's Christmas dinners…Blaine goes to them every year, I _know_." Wes frowned at him for half a second before smiling again. Kurt knew that he was analysing his tone of voice, but Kurt couldn't help himself. He knew that Blaine loved the time he spent with David's family and his Dalton friends – Kurt had heard all about it twice – and he got the distinct impression that _Sebastian_ would be there, and given that he had heard all about how Nick and Jeff had cozied themselves under the mistletoe for most of the time, he was forced to imagine that Blaine and Sebastian would do that too. There was more painful stabbing, and he wanted to swear angrily at the preppy, smarmy, arrogant Warbler that had somehow managed get _Blaine_, who admittedly didn't have a very reliable taste in guys (Kurt was the only decent person he'd liked because, _Sebastian_, and Jeremiah's hair had been _atrocious_), to fall in love with him and make him give himself completely to him. Then again, Sebastian was nice now…though that thought did just make Kurt hate Sebastian even more.

"…and then I'm spending Christmas with David's family." Kurt tuned back in just in time to hear the rest of Wes' Christmas plans. He frowned at that because he knew that Wes was close to his family. Wes caught the look on his face and sighed. "We rowed," he explained, softly.

"What about?" he asked, and Wes let out another sigh, indicating that he wanted the two novels back from Kurt. Kurt handed them over with a kind smile.

"They didn't want me to go down to Westerville…I mean, they were okay with me just staying for the weekend, but when I said I'd be there for an indefinite period of time then they kind of flipped out about my education…" he sighed one more time. "Eventually, they told me to pick between what they wanted and what I wanted…I picked my friends," he shrugged in a fake casual way. "and we haven't been in touch since."

"Seriously?" demanded Kurt because he could not quite believe that Wes' parents would really stop talking to him over something like _that_. Wes nodded, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, and they're not rolling over and letting it go until I apologise and say that I was wrong, which I won't do because I wasn't wrong, so we're not really going to be resolving our differences anytime soon." He sighed and shook his head. "It seems to be an unfortunate theme developing for us." Kurt quirked his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side in a questioning manner. Wes rolled his eyes, smiling at him in a fond manner. "I'd forgotten that you loved to gossip," he said in a tone of voice that made it seem like a perfectly natural thing. "Well, Evie broke up with David because they'd barely spent any time together in…_ages_…" Kurt stared at him for a moment, wondering why he'd trailed off and looked around in a nervous manner before realising that he meant David and Evie had barely seen each other since Kurt and Blaine broke up.

"I see," he said, curtly, pursing his lips slightly. Wes let out a mild sigh, shooting him an apologetic look.

"Yes, well, she said that if he didn't start spending more time with her then they had to break up. She didn't get down on Thad, but it had been going on for a long time before that, and she was sick of it…" Wes shrugged, pulling a face. "Either way, David picked his friends, and I know he doesn't regret it." Kurt nodded.

"I take it Thad doesn't know about that…?" he asked, hesitantly, because that sounded like something that would inspire a lot of guilt in him, which would be dangerous and probably hamper his recovery. Wes shook his head.

"No, we've kept him and Blaine in the dark about both those things…" Kurt swallowed, a little annoyed that Blaine had been brought back up, but pushed it away because there was nothing he could do about it. Wes had at least tried to steer clear of any mentions of Blaine and his break up. Then, out of nowhere, something struck him. He couldn't quite believe that he hadn't seen it before, but it made a _hell_ of a lot of sense;

…"_I __**really **__need to know because I'm concerned – not just for Blaine, but also someone else in the Warblers…"_

"…_you're not the only one."_

"_He- it happened to someone else too…Only the three of us know about this…"_

"_It's Thad…He told his parents __**everything**__!" _

"_Ev- what do you mean __**everything**__?"_

"_I mean, he __**came out **__and then some!"…_

"Thad's the other one!" he exclaimed, staring at Wes with sharp eyes because that made so much sense. The reason Wes had been so worried the first time, why _Sebastian_ – of _all_ people – knew about it, what the "_then some_" that had scared Sebastian and Blaine so much had been, and, maybe, it went some way so to explaining why Blaine was so reluctant to tell him everything – it wasn't just his problem, it was Thad's too.

"Kurt," said Wes in a serious tone of voice, eyes that had flown wide with shock narrowing slightly as his face became grave. Kurt swallowed at the sudden change of demeanour because Wes was no longer friendly and approachable, but a steely, cold guardian. "I will answer that, but under one condition." Kurt took a deep breath, having a feeling that he knew what Wes was going to say despite already formulating his questions for Thad in his head. "That you _do not_ raise this with him." Kurt swallowed and pursed his lips.

"Alright," he said, and Wes glared at him even harder than that. Kurt felt his heart pounding even a little bit more at that because Wes was so – _goddamn_ – _terrifying_ when he wanted to be.

"I am _serious_," said Wes, daring him to go against him, and Kurt could see the danger that Wes was communicating to him silently; Thad was unstable and not over whatever had happened, Kurt questioning him could severely damage his mental state...could push him over the edge _again_. Kurt nodded, closing his eyes in resignation because he wanted answers, but he couldn't risk _that_. "Thank you," said Wes, breaking out into a smile that didn't quite touch his eyes. "and, _yes_, as you've already guessed, Thad was the other one…I really need to go."

Kurt watched Wes hurry over to the queue at the tills, but didn't pursue him. He could tell that he had put Wes on edge and rattled him, but, inside, Kurt reckoned that he was more shaken than him. Kurt had known that whatever it was had been bad – Blaine breaking down more than once over it had proven that – but it had been one of the factors that had pushed Thad over the edge and made him _kill_ himself…

Suddenly, panic was beginning to make his chest tight. He could barely breathe because what if Blaine was that badly affected? What if Blaine was teetering on the edge? What if Kurt's anger at him had made him feel in any way worse? What if Blaine had – god forbid – _tried_? But, no, someone would have told him…_right_?

"_Wes_!" he exclaimed, completely seized by panic. The stressed looking college student turned to him with a tense expression. "Wes!" he jogged over to his side as Wes put down his books on the counter. "Wes, Blaine is he- is- is he- was he-"

"He's _safe_," said Wes, kindly smile reappearing on his face and a fondness appearing in his eyes. "Sebastian and David made sure of that; he didn't self-harm, and he didn't consider committing suicide for one reason; _you_." Kurt blinked in shock, completely taken about by that. Wes sighed. "He knew that you would blame yourself and tear yourself to pieces over it; he could never do that to you…I know that it may not seem like it, but he is, _genuinely_, doing what he thinks is best."

Wes turned away after that, attention being called to the girl at the till, and Kurt knew that he would get no more out of Wes. Wes was a wonderfully loyal friend, who cared immensely about those he considered his responsibility, and he wouldn't betray them. He ran a hand through his head, taking several steps back, and tried to get himself to calm down because Blaine was _safe. _He left the shop, head spinning because what did that all mean?

* * *

By Christmas Eve, Kurt's head had slowly got a lot worse since meeting Wes. He wanted desperately to call Blaine and talk to him, but he knew heshouldn't so he hadn't. He'd come close to doing it today, but he was at David's today, and, more importantly, he also knew that Blaine would say nothing to him that he hadn't already said. He knew that he would only get another rejection and a "_I'm doing this for you_", but it was also so much harder to hate Blaine after Wes had said that Kurt had been the thing that had stopped him from tipping over the edge – it was clear that Wes wasn't playing with him because no one joked about that kind of thing, that was just sick, so Kurt just got a faceful of the painful truth that Blaine, on some level, _really cared_ about him. That didn't make him feel better, though, because Blaine could be with him, but he didn't want to be.

The worse thing about straying down that train of thought was undoubtedly the fact that it made him think of Sebastian. Sebastian who somehow knew _everything_ despite being an insensitive, self-absorbed prick that knew nothing of sympathy, caring or understanding – or hadn't at any rate. It also hurt to think about _how_ Sebastian had found out because, thinking about it, he had realised that it didn't make sense that he knew. Wes had most certainly been there when the event had happened to Thad, but Sebastian and Wes hadn't been at Dalton together, so how, and _why_, did he know? What on earth would make someone – it almost certainly had to be Thad – tell him whatever this secret was?

He viciously closed down his Facebook page as burning hot jealousy burst inside of him. He hated feeling jealous of sleazy Sebastian, but he definitely did. He opened up Youtube, trying to think of something that he could search for that would take his mind of Sebastian and Blaine and Thad…

Out of the corner of his eye, as he scrolled down the homepage that had suggested videos on it, he caught sight of a video from what had to be David's channel. It had been posted a couple of days ago, and, looking closely at the image, he clearly saw Blaine's smile as well as a background that was filled with people. He guessed that this was from David's dinner and looked at the part of the title that he could see; _The Twelve Days of Christmas_, and then it was cut off. He let out a long sigh, not even attempting to fight the fact that his curiosity had been piqued, and clicked on it.

The moment he got the page of the actual video he knew that this was a very bad idea. He knew that he really, before the video had loaded enough for it to start playing, ought to click back…but he couldn't. He couldn't because he was furiously intrigued by the title; _The Twelve Days of Christmas…Blaine and Sebastian Style!_, and he desperately wanted to know what it was. He wanted to look at that video and see them flirt and be allowed to get back into his old mind set of hating Blaine.

Watching it did exactly what he wanted – he got his ability to scowl at the thought of Blaine – but he also wanted brain bleach even more. Blaine and Sebastian had dueted for _over_ _four minutes_, but it was in a highly bizarre, but _definitely flirty_, manner. They just _didn't stop_..._looking_ at each other, and the actions they did for each lyric had gotten progressively weirder throughout the song.

They started with a partridge in a pear tree; that was David's littlest sister, who Sebastian had picked up with a grin, and that had been vaguely normal. The two turtle doves had been Nick and Jeff, and Kurt could see where they were coming from. The three French hens were David's three other younger siblings, and the four calling birds were David, Wes, Thad and Trent…All of which had been kind of understandable, and it had even been normal, if you cut out the part where Sebastian and Blaine smirked at each other across the room.

At five gold rings, though, things had gotten strange when Sebastian pulled five dollar coins out of thin air, one each from behind the ear of the Thompson children. Kurt had barely had time to comprehend that Sebastian could do magic tricks when Blaine was strutting around room imitating a chicken – or a goose, he supposed. Then Sebastian had mimed swimming, Blaine had pretended to milk using the pigtails of David's younger sister – not the one that was a baby, but the other one…Kurt couldn't remember any of their names – but then, after they'd gone all the way down to one, Sebastian did some weird dancing that caused him to choke in an attempt to stop his laughter. In the end, it died in a natural manner because Blaine had shot him a very fondly-exasperated look that made him want to be sick. Again, Kurt had wanted to burst out laughing at Blaine's leaping, but Sebastian had sent Blaine the same look back so he couldn't. Sebastian had attempted to whistle and sing at the same time, which caused Kurt to stare at him in a disdainful manner, and then Blaine had drummed onto everyone's head. Then Kurt had only had to see them run through all the other verses once more before he could close it down.

"Kurt," said Rachel in a curious voice, before he could brood over it too much. "what was that? That sounded like Blaine and-"

"It was," he said, spinning around to look at her. Rachel studied his facial expression carefully, and Kurt held his breath, hoping that she would not enquire into why he had done it because Kurt would genuinely lose his cool if he had to explain himself because he had no reasons. He had been stupid, and now he was angry with Blaine and Sebastian for making that _stupid _video, David's mum for filming it, David for being their friend, and he hated every person in that video because that meant that he didn't have to think about how it had all been _his _fault. He didn't want that conversation.

"Come on," said Rachel, reaching forward to pull Kurt from his chair. "even if you don't seem to want enjoy Christmas _I'm_ not going to have my Christmas ruined by wondering whether you've stopped moping around. So, even if you want to make yourself miserable, we're going to decorate this place before I leave." Kurt sighed in relief at her tactful decision to not question him and obligingly got out of his chair because if decorating the apartment meant not talking about the video then he was more than happy to do that.

Kurt managed to find himself mildly distracted as they decorated their pitifully small tree. Rachel had stopped hovering over his shoulder to make sure that he was doing it after a little while and resumed her packing, wittering excitedly about the cruise that she was going on with her dads. Kurt liked it because the low level background noise stopped _The Twelve Days of Christmas…Blaine and Sebastian Style!_ from going round and round his head in a thoroughly irritating manner.

Still, he couldn't help but think about the happy smile that had been plastered on Blaine's face throughout the entire time. He couldn't help but think about _Baby It's Cold Outside_ because Blaine had looked remarkably similar; that same mix of boyish innocence, effortless grace and ease, and flirting. He hated it, even though that had been exactly what he had been looking for, because he had half wanted to see that Blaine was still incomplete without him. Wes' words had given him the hope that Blaine still cared about him, but seeing him like that just destroyed all that hope. Looking at the video had shown him a little family; Blaine just needed the other Dalton boys to be happy and whole…Kurt didn't come into that equation.

He hated the bitterness that was welling up inside him, but how was he meant to stop it? How could he stop feeling so consumed with anger and hate when it all stemmed from the fact that he _loved_ Blaine and couldn't stop? And how was he meant to balance all of that against the fact that something truly _terrible_ had happened to the person that he loved, but that same person did not want to tell him or let him help in anyway because they thought that was what was best – not for them – but him?

What on _earth_ was anyone meant to do in his situation?

The knock at the door was a welcome distraction, and he wondered who it could be visiting them on Christmas Eve. He half wished that it would be Blaine, somehow transported from Lima to New York in such a short space of time and ready to tell him everything so that they could make up. He knew that it couldn't be, but he desperately wished that it was... Why was he trying to convince everyone that he was over Blaine? It was so obvious that he wasn't.

He slid open the door, quashing any expectations that were building up inside him because it was probably just going to be some crappy carollers that were here to give him pointless renditions of carols that were hailing the birth of some guy that hadn't done anything and had most certainly _not_ been the son of God. That thought made him feel a little bit better because he could probably vent quite a lot of his frustrations and pent up anger at them for being annoying and idiots and bad singers and disturbing the peace of his house even though he desperately needed it to be disturbed.

What was actually at the door took him completely by surprise. It wasn't carollers. It wasn't Blaine. It wasn't people asking him to give to charity without singing. It wasn't random people that decided to wish other random people good will in the spirit of Christmas. No, it was a _Christmas tree_. There was an actual, honest-to-the-God-that-didn't-exist _Christmas tree_ standing in front of him Before he could comprehend it, though, it had moved to the side. He got one second to comprehend the next sight before he felt happiness balloon up inside him, and he exclaimed, for the first time feeling joyous about the season;

"_Dad_!"


	22. Chapter 22

_**Dear readers,**_

_**Nothing much to say to you other than a thanks for all your support of this story, and that, as requested by Chrisch, I'm going to be posting a little one-shot of someone from McKinley's perspective on the 'Do You Hear the People Sing?' later this evening so, if you're interested, please do go check it out. It'll be called 'Clarity' and, as previously said, it should be up some time a little bit later on today.**_

_**To Chrisch; sorry that I confused. Basically, after I post chapter 26, I won't be posting again till sometime mid-June, and thanks for the idea for the one-shot because, once I got going, it became really interesting, and I seriously enjoyed writing it, and I hope you like it too!**_

_**Enjoy the chapter! **_

_**Sopphires.**_

* * *

_"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?"_ ― Bob Hope

* * *

Everything was not turning out fine. Blaine had been out of school for two days, and he was already wishing that he could be back at Dalton. For one, his mum was stuck out in Shanghai doing whatever it was she did as a banker, which meant that there was no one there that Blaine could really talk to, or mediate the inevitable fights that would erupt between him, his dad and Cooper.

And _that_ led straight on to the next problem; his dad and Cooper. His dad was being his usual snide self, making comments about how Blaine was never going to surmount to as much as Cooper had because he was gay and how he had no real strength and how Blaine ought to go back to the days when he was obsessed with sport, and Cooper was…well, Cooper was just being plain _weird_.

He and Blaine had gone out shopping for the family gifts as per usual, and Cooper had agreed with each of Blaine's present choices without even questioning them. There was no bragging about how much money he had made or what auditions he had got or _anything_. He was next to silent, moodily picking at his food like he was a sullen teenager once more, and neither Blaine nor his dad had any idea how to deal with it. Blaine had tried just _asking_ him what was bothering him – citing their new found relationship – but Cooper had just ignored him.

* * *

"Hey Blaine!" Blaine looked up at his elder brother from where he was carefully putting each of his friends' Christmas presents in the boot of his car, wholeheartedly looking forward to going to David's because there would be no tension, no sniping or anything of the sort. Instead there would be laughter and games and singing…he would have fun.

"What do you want, Cooper?" he asked, putting in the last one and slamming the boot shut. Cooper sauntered over to the side of his car, resting against the bonnet and giving Blaine a very even look.

"You said that you wanted to know what happened." Blaine nodded immediately, and Cooper let out a long sigh, white breath swirling in the air before him before he gestured to the car in a vague manner. "Give me a lift to the mall, and I'll tell you everything." Blaine swallowed, closing his eyes because he was going to be _late_, but then nodded because he had no other choice. He _had to_ know what the matter was with Cooper.

"Alright," Cooper beamed at him, and they got in the car. Blaine started the car in silence, knowing that Cooper would talk to him when he was ready and that pushing him would do nothing to help Blaine's cause. So he turned on the radio, and the two of them hummed along to the Christmas songs that came out of the radio. It was mildly relaxing, and Blaine could stop wondering about what could have made his brother so silent because he wasn't being silent at the moment.

"So…" said Cooper, after they'd driven most of the way to the mall, and Blaine had been tempted to talk to him a couple of times, but had exercised all his self-restraint and _hadn't_. "um, I don't really know how to say this, but you're the only person that knows, and if you tell anyone I _will_ kill you," Blaine shot him a mildly alarmed look, heart rate picking up because _what_ was going on? Cooper sighed. "It's- I really don't know how to say this, but…I knocked up Stephanie."

Blaine slammed on the brakes. They jolted to a stop, thankfully on a road that was completely quiet, and Blaine blinked, in a laboured fashion, because _what the hell_? Cooper had- he'd "_knocked up_" Stephanie! But that- that implied that it had been an accident…Oh god, Blaine didn't like where this was going one bit.

"Coop, did you- are you- what's…" he trailed off, not sure what to say to his brother. Cooper sighed.

"It was an accident, a stupid mistake, but…She won't get rid of it, and it's- it's going to start showing some time soon, and then _both_ of our careers are _ruined_!" Blaine blinked some more, trying to get his brain into gear because Cooper wasn't freaking out over the fact that he was going to be a father so much as he was freaking out over his career being over because he would be a dad because she hadn't gotten rid of it.

"You want her to _abort_!" he exclaimed, eyes flying wide because that was Cooper's _baby_! Cooper didn't want it? Why wouldn't he want? Blaine got that some people weren't ready, and he wasn't against abortion, but Cooper was an _adult_, and he had money and a place of his own, and two parents that would support him because they wanted grandkids…Cooper would rather a baby died than his career – which wasn't much – be ruined!

"Well, what else do you expect me do to?" yelled Cooper, eyes flashing with anger. "My _career_ is on the line! And don't tell me that family is worth because it's _not_! Look at _our_ family! Look at _me_ and _you_! I brought you down your _whole life_ because you were _better_ than me! And all dad does is pick on _you_ and use _me_ as a tool to do that! All any of us do is _fight_! Our parents would have been better off without us! All kids are is leeches! They just drain the money and life of everyone, and when they're done they move off!" Cooper got out of the car, slammed the door and began to walk away before Blaine could fully understand what had just happened.

Blinking several times until his eyes had gone back to their normal size, and slowly lowering his eyebrows, Blaine decided that it was probably a good idea to _not_ go after his brother. He didn't think that he had ever seen Cooper that angry before, like _ever_. That had been completely unexpected, and kind of scary too, but mostly unexpected and shocking. Blaine slammed his forehead into the steering wheel, closing his eyes and wondering how that had got out of hand so quickly. He could feel tears stinging his eyes because Cooper was right in so much of what he'd said, but Blaine didn't want to believe that. Blaine wanted to believe that family was worth _everything_.

* * *

Blaine pulled his car to a stop several doors down from David's house and smiled at the sight of Thad and Sebastian, who had just got out of Sebastian's car, walking along the pavement and bickering. He got out of his car and waved at the two of them as Thad made to whack Sebastian around the back of the head. Blaine found himself chuckling under his breath as he went to open the boot and take out the presents because it looked like Thad was holding up okay.

"We were meant to bring presents?" demanded Sebastian, peering over Blaine's shoulder, and Blaine swatted him away, smirking to himself because he could not _wait_ for Richie, Katy and Johnny to find out that someone hadn't brought them presents. He could hear Thad tutting in an exasperated manner and got the impression that Thad had told him to bring gifts, but had been ignored.

"_Yes_," said Thad in a huffy tone of voice as Blaine attempted to hold onto the three giant bags and slam the boot down at once. "I told you that!"

"Did you?" said Sebastian in surprise, reaching over to close the boot for Blaine whilst still looking at Thad with one eyebrow raised in scepticism.

"_Yes_," he repeated before stepping forward to relieve Blaine of one of the bags. Blaine rolled his eyes and pulled Thad into a tight hug, noting that he had put everything into a large shoulder bag. "How are you?" asked Thad, stepping backwards. Blaine shrugged because he couldn't really tell them about Cooper.

"Can't complain," he said. "What about you?" Thad gave him a small smile from the corner of his mouth.

"Okay…I've had him-" he jerked his thumb at Sebastian. "-bugging me every day so it's not that different to Dalton really." Blaine laughed and put down his bags to hug Sebastian. He felt Sebastian squirm slightly, probably because he had been hoping he could avoid it, but he eventually gave in and patted his back. He pulled back, and Sebastian, in a strangely gentlemanly gesture, picked up two of Blaine's bags. Blaine smirked and looked at Thad, demanding to know how he had tamed him. Thad blushed.

"Alright, I'm getting frozen to death out here, let's go inside." Blaine suppressed his laughter, meeting Thad's eyes. Thad rolled them in a nervous manner that told Blaine he had not informed Sebastian that David's younger siblings were very, _very_, hug happy…which probably came from having David and Wes as their elder siblings.

The three of them walked the final few paces to David's house, Sebastian and Thad resuming their previous argument, which turned out to be about whether or not Sebastian ought to stop speeding just because his dad was state attorney and so could tear up any speeding tickets. Blaine rolled his eyes at least three times during in a minute, and the only thing that interested him was the fact that Sebastian had never actually be caught speeding, which Blaine thought was impossible since he only _didn't_ speed when other people were in the car.

"_Thad_! _Blaine_!" Blaine watched Sebastian jerk in surprise at the shout as the front door flew open. Blaine sat down the one bag, Thad copying the gesture, and broke out into a smile as three small children came flying out. He could hear Sebastian snorting aloud as Thad readily accepted the hugs from David's siblings.

"You guys are late. We were beginning to think you weren't coming," commented David from the doorway, and Blaine wanted to scowl at him, but he couldn't because everyone there – David, Wes, Nick, Jeff, Trent, David's dad holding Cassie and David's mum with a camera – was smiling at him. He huffed and folded his arms, but had to stop doing that too when Katy tugged on his sleeve with a hand that had turned bright pink from the cold.

"Why are you late?" she asked, brown eyes wide in hurt at the thought that, Blaine realised very quickly, he might be late coming to see them because he didn't want to see them. Blaine suppressed a mental groan – how could anyone say no to the puppy dogs eyes of an adorable six year old? – and lifted her off the ground.

"I'm late because _my_ brother decided that I had to drive him to the mall." Katy crossed her arms as Richie attempted to comb his floppy brown hair out of his eyes, and Johnny attached himself to Blaine's leg.

"So you're not trying to avoid us? David said that you were antisocial." Blaine glared over at his friend, who was chuckling, and then shook his head.

"_No_," he said, emphatically, setting Katy down and then prising Johnny off his leg before crouching down so that he was sort of eye level with all the children. "I want to see _all_ of you – your brother is winding you up." There was a pause before they all broke out into grins and hugged him. He almost toppled over because he was pretty sure that they'd all grown and knew that Sebastian was laughing at him.

"Everyone," said Thad, once Blaine had lifted Johnny up so that he balancing on his knee. "this is Sebastian; he _loves_ hugs." There was a moment in which Sebastian's face froze in its amused expression as the words processed with his brain. The three children's face lit up, and they made to run towards him as Sebastian yelped;

"_What_?!" very loudly, dropping Blaine's bags into the snow. The three children attached themselves to him, and Sebastian's eyes bugged wide open in shock, and he looked somewhere between horrified and alarmed. Blaine doubled up in laughter, hand wrapping across his chest as he laughed because that expression was _priceless_. The boys in the doorway were in hysterics, Cassie mimicking them whilst David's mum held the camera proudly, having clearly captured it.

"You're _evil_!" howled David, slumping down onto the doorstep as he cried from laughter. Sebastian still had three children attached to him; Johnny clutching onto his leg because he loved hugging people and Richie and Katy understanding that they were winding Sebastian up so not letting go. "Truly _evil_!" Trent was collapsed between Nick and Jeff, head dropped forward as they all shook from laughter. Wes had a hand over his face, shaking his head in amusement. Looking up, Blaine could see that Thad was blushing heavily as Sebastian glared at him, but Blaine could also see that Sebastian got the joke.

"I've trained you well," said Sebastian peeling the two older children from him. Richie and Katy shared grins and bounded towards the house as they were getting cold. Sebastian looked down with mild disgust at Johnny, who was wiping his snotty nose on Sebastian's trousers and grinning up at him. "But can you please get this limpet off my leg." Thad rolled his eyes as Blaine got back to his feet.

"Johnny is not a "_limpet_", Bastian, he's a _person_ – and he _likes_ you." Sebastian looked back down at Johnny with a mixture of horror, disdain and disgust riddling his features. He made to shake his leg, but Thad grabbed onto his arm and shook his head emphatically. "Don't you _dare_ kick him!" Sebastian huffed and folded his arms, glaring down at the three year old, who was wholly unaffected by the situation.

"Fine," he said, rolling his eyes and walking with surprising ease towards the house considering that he had a small child clinging onto his leg. Blaine pressed his lips together very hard to stop himself from bursting out into hysterical laughter, picking up his bags and moving with Thad, who was smirking triumphantly, to the doorway. Their friends descended on them immediately, Wes nearly knocking them off their feet he was so happy to see them, and they were ushered inside, accompanied by the sound of chatter and laughter.

* * *

"_Blaine_…" Blaine looked up from the book that David's parents had given him and tried to suppress his smile at the sight of Sebastian, begrudgingly wearing a Santa hat, Christmas sweater and reindeer socks, standing before him, pouting. "I'm being followed!" Blaine blinked and then heard a small giggle, telling him that Johnny was hiding behind the sofa. He set down the book, rolling his eyes, and heaved a huge sigh.

"He wants to be your _friend_," he said, very slowly, as if he was speaking to a two year old. Sebastian glared at him for the tone of voice, but, given his outfit, it was impossible for him to look threatening. There was an outburst of snorts from some of the other Dalton boys, and Blaine bit his upper lip hard, trying – and failing, spectacularly – to keep a straight face.

"But I don't want to be his friend!" Blaine sighed again, glaring at the back of Thad's head because he didn't want to deal with this whiny Sebastian, but, given that Thad was playing with Cassie, who Sebastian had refused to hold or go near, he was the most obvious candidate for Sebastian to moan to…_great_.

"You're not five!" he exclaimed, rolling his eyes. "You're _eighteen_, act mature!" Sebastian glowered at him some more, and Blaine got to his feet and picked up Johnny, who was giggling in an evil manner that Blaine would have thought that Sebastian would appreciate. "Can't you just corrupt him?" he asked in a despairing manner, and then kicked himself a second later as Sebastian's eyes lit up.

"What's corrupt?" asked Johnny, innocently. Sebastian smirked and indicated that Blaine should put Johnny on the floor. Blaine rolled his eyes, but placed him down nonetheless because Sebastian might stop whining now, or constantly staring at Thad in a manner that was somewhere between disdainful, bemused and fond.

"Come innocent child," said Sebastian, beckoning Johnny over to him. "I shall teach you the ways of the dark arts." Blaine dropped down onto the sofa, picking up a cushion and putting it over his mouth to himself from bursting out into hysterics. David looked up in alarm, and then shrugged along with the others as Johnny said;

"Like Snape!" in an enthusiastic manner, and Sebastian had let out a very long groan. Taking the cushion away from his face, Blaine reassessed the scene before him; Nick and Jeff were making out in a corner and everyone was ignoring them, Trent was helping Richie build a Lego set, Thad was playing with Cassie and David's mum whilst David, Wes and Katy were seeing how much wrapping paper they could put on David's dad's face before he woke up. Blaine snorted, shaking his head as Sebastian eyed Johnny like he might be diseased.

Why couldn't _his_ family be like this?…minus the two people making out in the corner.

"_Dad_!" said David, shaking his father, who had continued to sleep through being wrapped up in old wrapping paper. Out of the corner of his eye, Blaine saw Sebastian's head snap up from where he was attempting to teach a three year old sarcasm. David's dad jolted, blinked in alarm at the paper on him, and then shook his head.

"What?" David smirked and looked at Wes, who rolled his eyes and muffled a snort. Everyone stared at them, not entirely sure what was going on, until David's mum shook her head.

"You're going to burn lunch if you're not careful!" Harry Thompson leapt to his feet, stumbling on the ribbons and paper, and dashed into the kitchen, cursing underneath his breath. The others broke down into laughter, Blaine smiling in amusement as Sebastian blinked, frowned and looked between David and the kitchen.

"I'm confused," he said, after a little while. "how can he possibly be your father? There is a very obvious discrepancy in your racial ethnicities." There was an awkward pause after that in which David glared at Sebastian, Thad rolled his eyes and sent him a disapproving look and the rest of David's family froze.

"I explained this to you!" exclaimed Thad, eventually. "Didn't you listen to _anything_ I said?" Sebastian shrugged in a careless manner, looking at David, who was very tense all of a sudden. Wes put a hand on his shoulder and shot Sebastian a look that demanded to know how he could be so stupid.

"Ah," said Sebastian, closing his mouth and shooting David and his mum a mildly apologetic look. David's mum shifted slightly, running a hand over Cassie's head. Thad lifted her from her arms so that she could go over to David's side and fix a maternal look upon Sebastian that clearly unnerved him.

"My dad is in the kitchen," said David, before his mum could speak, in a forcibly calm tone of voice. "My"_real_" – as you might say – father never stuck around. I don't have a _clue_ who he is, and I don't _want_ to know. I was _four_ years old when my mum married, and my dad adopted me…I love him; end of story." There was an awkward pause after that. Sebastian looked between David, his mum, his younger siblings and then the kitchen door. Then he shrugged his shoulders, stretching and reclining back so that he was propped up on his elbows.

"Just asking a question," he said casually, and Blaine rolled his eyes, shaking his head with an amused smile on his face at Sebastian's ability to grin as he killed a relaxed, joyful, atmosphere.

* * *

"Mrs Thompson," Blaine stepped nervously up to David's mother as she stacked the dishes into the dishwasher.

"You can call me Emilia, you know," she said, and Blaine rolled his eyes, smiling despite himself because this was why he was going to her; she was kind, understanding and friendly, and she'd keep his – or Cooper's, he supposed – secret. Besides, she understood…that was the main reason for going to her.

"Right," he said, biting his lip because he had no idea how to phrase this. How did he ask this? It was so weird…so _personal_. She closed the dishwasher and looked at him with a concerned frown.

"Are you alright, darling?" she asked, putting a hand on his arm to rub it in a reassuring manner arm. He nodded, biting his tone and fighting the urge to burst into tears because _what was he doing_?

"Yeah…I just- I need to ask you something…something _really important_." There was a silence in which her expression and demeanour said that he should just tell her. He took a deep breath. "Um, this is weird, but… Why did you decide to keep David?" She froze, her whole expression tensed, and he swallowed.

"Is this about David? Is this the reason he broke up with Evie?" she demanded, looking worried, and Blaine blinked, taken by surprise by her questions. Then he shook his head, forcing a smile. She deflated.

"No, it's- it's my brother…um, he knocked up his…_girlfriend_, and he, um, he wants her to get rid of it because he thinks it's going to ruin his career. I mean, I know it's their choice, but she wants to keep it, and he doesn't, and I just wondered what made _you_ keep David when you had nothing that my brother has…" David's mother sighed, running a hand through her hair and looking around in a thoughtful manner.

"Well, you're right, Blaine, it's his choice, and I personally think that it's not the worst thing in the world if he walks out because she might find someone better to be a father, like I did, but I see where you're coming from…" she broke off, sighing once more, and Blaine waited, patiently. "Well, I guess it was the ultrasound. I thought that David was going to ruin my life, but then I actually saw him…" she shrugged. "He was just a little thing that was _depending_ on me…and he had no one, but me…just like me. I just _knew_ that I couldn't get rid of me; I think I loved him instantly, from that second, and I think I've loved him _more_ everyday since then." Blaine sniffed, wiping his eyes and giving her a weak smile. Her eyes were watery too, but she smiled strongly at Blaine. "Answer your question?" Blaine nodded, taking a huge breath and blinking a couple of times.

"Yeah…thank you," she shrugged, giving him a smile that said she'd do it any time.

"I don't regret it for a second, Blaine," she said, giving him a wider smile. "and it was hard…being a parent is _hard_, but it's worth it, really. I've watched David grow up into a _wonderful_ young man who loves his friends and family, and I don't know how it happened, but it did…" she shrugged, not ashamed by the tears that sparkled in her eyes. "And you should know that I'm here for all of you…God knows, I know that you and Thad are having a hard time of things." Blaine sniffed and nodded, looking at the ground, and he was pulled into a tight hug. He held onto David's mum, taking deep breaths, and stepped back when he was sure that he wouldn't burst into tears. She smiled down at him. "Now, go off and play with the others in the snow." Blaine smiled and spun around, running off towards the garden and not caring in the slightest that he was being treated like a child.

The snowball fight was grossly unfair. David, Wes, Richie and Katy teamed up together as did Nick, Jeff and Trent and Sebastian, Thad and Johnny, which left Blaine on his own, for whatever reason that it was that meant no one wanted to side with him. He was pretty much deluged in snow, soaked through to the skin, and absolutely _freezing_, but he had to admit that it was probably worth it to see the moment when Sebastian lifted Johnny up onto his shoulders and led a charge against David that resulted in his team lying face down in the snow. Or when Trent got sick of Nick and Jeff kissing and poured snow down their backs, which led to him being chased around and around the bird bath as they pelted him with snow balls. Or when David, Wes, Richie and Katy managed to knock Thad off his feet under the force of all their snowballs, and Sebastian had come in to save him and slipped and face planted into the snow. Blaine had had one victorious moment and that was when he had managed to hit David squarely in the face as he danced around and proclaimed himself king of snowball fights. The best part, though, was that David's parents had captured all of it with their cameras.

* * *

"Bastian, she's not going to bite, just hold her." Blaine wandered back into the living room, towelling his hair dry, and was amused to see that Thad was trying to convince Sebastian, who was wearing some of David's clothes because he hadn't followed Thad's advice to bring a spare set, to hold Cassie.

"She has teeth!" exclaimed Sebastian, trying to back away. "Babies bite things!" Thad rolled his eyes and plonked Cassie into Sebastian's gesticulating arms. He made a vague scrabbling motion in an attempt not to drop her, but Thad was on hand to expertly adjust Sebastian's arms so that he was supporting her properly. Sebastian stared between Cassie and Thad with wide eyes whilst everyone else laughed or "_awwed_" at the sight. Cassie's hand grabbed onto the collar of Sebastian's shirt, and she began to babble in baby speak. Sebastian turned to Thad with even wider eyes, looking utterly horrified.

"Just pretend that you understand," said Thad, calmly, and Blaine sat down on the sofa, thoroughly amused by Thad's attempts to teach Sebastian how to interact with small children. Sebastian stared at him blankly. Thad rolled his eyes. "Honestly!" he exclaimed. "Watch; this is Sebastian," he said in that voice that people adopted when they talked to babies and bending closer to Cassie. "He's our friend, but he's not very good with children. He thinks you're going to bite, but you're not 'cause you're a good girl, aren't you?" Blaine pressed a hand over his mouth so that he didn't burst out into raucous laughter at the look on Sebastian's face, who had clearly been unaware that Thad had a natural affinity with young children. He looked somewhere between alarmed, confused, surprised, impressed and that same stupid fond look that he reserved for Thad.

"Thad, you don't happen to have any illegitimate children you didn't tell me about, do you?" he demanded, and Blaine, along with everyone else, lost their ability to restrain their laughter at his question. Thad looked at him with a mild frown before shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"_No_, idiot," he proclaimed in a voice that was obviously fond that Blaine didn't know why he'd bothered to make it try and sound like an insult. "I am the oldest, by two years, of _nineteen_ cousins, Bastian, I think I know how to deal with children." Sebastian spluttered at that, and Blaine sank back onto the sofa, smile on his face and thought that someone really ought to consider making a TV show staring Sebastian…it would be a _brilliant_ sitcom.

"You have _eighteen_ _cousins_!" he yelped, and Emilia hastily relieved Sebastian of Cassie before he forgot that he was holding her and attempted to gesticulate. Thad looked at him once and then nodded, taking a seat on the sofa. Sebastian remained standing, staring down at him in shock. "_Eighteen_! You have _eighteen_-"

"Yes," said Thad, rolling his eyes. "and soon I'll have nineteen. My dad's the middle child of _seven_, it's not that surprising that there are a lot of us." Sebastian just stared at him, opening his his mouth to repeat the word "_eighteen_" again. Thad rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. "It's not really that earth-shattering." Sebastian, however, didn't seem to hear at all as he continued to gape at Thad.

"_Eighteen_?" he repeated, loudly, and everybody simply rolled their eyes at Sebastian's antics.

"Now, I think it's Johnny's turn to pick the duet pair," said Harry, looking at Sebastian with a mildly disturbed look, like he wasn't sure what to make of his son's new friend that had been confused when they'd him a gift and hid behind Thad when Richie, Katy and Johnny had tried to attack him for not giving him presents and had generally just been _really weird_ all day. "and Katy gets to choose the song." Thad reached forward and grabbed Sebastian so that he wasn't standing in the middle of the room, and they continued with their traditions like Sebastian wasn't mouthing the word "_eighteen_" with a look of abject shocked horror on his face.

"I want Sebastian and Blaine!" cried Johnny, immediately, and Blaine saw Sebastian jolt, clearly just registering what had been said, and then a smirk spread onto his face, taking away all his perplexities at the extent of Thad's family, whilst Blaine hopped to his feet, glad that he got to sing with Sebastian, who wouldn't make him do anything _too_ embarrassing.

"You chose well," said Sebastian, but Blaine knew that he may not be saying that after Katy picked his song because he couldn't quite picture Sebastian doing a rendition of _Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer_.

"I want them to sing _The Twelve Days of Christmas_," Blaine blinked in surprise at that. "but they have to do funny actions like we did at school." He looked at Sebastian, whose pleased expression had frozen on his face.

"Why do I get the impression that we don't get any thinking time?" he asked, dryly, and Blaine snorted, shaking his head and shooting him a disparaging look. Sebastian heaved a sigh and eyed Blaine. "There is no question that I am the man," he said, and Blaine rolled his eyes because – _honestly_ – there was no point arguing with him.

The intro music, once it had been found by David, began to filter through the front room, and Blaine turned, in interest, to Sebastian, who was frowning in thought, but gave Blaine a smile – one of his showy, flirty, ones, though his eyes did sparkle – when they made eye contact.

_On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me; a partridge in a pear tree_

Sebastian, with a face that broke out into a grin, reached forward and lifted up Cassie, carefully holding her in the manner that Thad had showed him before dumping her back into her dad's arms when the lyrics ended.

_On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me; two turtle doves…_

Blaine, hiding his smile at what Sebastian had done, danced over to Nick and Jeff and tapped them on the head.

_On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me; three French hens…_

Sebastian, staring at Blaine with eyes that were definitely flirty, copied his action, but on the heads of David's other siblings.

_On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me; four calling birds…_

It was strangely easy to fall into the song, he thought, as he danced over to tap Wes, David, Thad and Trent on the head, because he all he had to do was stare into Sebastian's eyes whilst repeating his actions.

_On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me; five gold rings_

Blaine blinked rapidly as Sebastian leant forward and somehow managed to pull one dollar coin out of behind of each of the Thompson children's ears – Sebastian knew _magic tricks_?! What the _hell_? He was so shocked that he almost missed his lyrics and had run over to Wes so that he could do his actions.

After that the entire thing went a little bit nutty because the lyrics got increasingly…_abstract_?…and they were really thinking on their feet. Blaine strutted around in an attempt to impersonate a goose – he reckoned that if he looked like a chicken it would be fine – and then Sebastian mimed swimming in a far more restrained manner than Blaine's goose impression. He caught onto Katy's pigtails, using them to pretend to milk with and grinning at the Warblers on the sofa opposite. He wasn't quite sure how – he thought it was combined affect Thad and Johnny's puppy dog eyes because they were _evil_ – but Sebastian ended up doing some sort of weird dance that Blaine had to admit was sort of hilarious and sort of adorable, and he gave him a look that said that, which Sebastian threw straight back at him – because Sebastian had the power to make _that_ sarcastic – when Blaine leapt around the room. Then Sebastian attempted to whistle and sing, causing Blaine to choke on his laughter, and he felt that he made up a good last move by drumming them all on the head.

The thing was, though, despite the fact they were making fools of themselves, it was still a good duet. Sebastian looked smug and flirty, and it was so easy to forget that he could be cruel and horrible because he was so sweet at the same time. Blaine thought that he might be crazy for thinking it, but Sebastian could be really quite adorable when he wanted to be. It made singing the duet easy because he _liked_ this Sebastian; he was a _great_ friend. It was easy to flirt in a playful manner, innocently, because it was nothing more than that. It was fun.

* * *

Blaine didn't really want to leave the Thompson home when the time came to say goodbye and goodnight – Sebastian dashing from the house before he could be hugged by too many people with his presents in his arms and forgetting that reindeer ears had been forced onto his head – because he didn't want to leave this house; filled with laughter, acceptance and love, and go back to his house; filled with arguments, disapproval and anger. The only problem was that he _had_ to. He _had to _go home otherwise his dad would take him out of Dalton.

So, instead of being forced from the property kicking and screaming, he hugged everyone goodbye whilst juggling the books, clothes and sheet music that he'd been given before heading down the front path with a false spring in his step. One look back down the street after he'd carefully put his presents in the boot showed him that Sebastian and Thad, who weirdly enough hadn't given each other presents, were bickering as per usual, Nick and Jeff were kissing against Nick's car, Trent was rolling his eyes and shaking his head as he got into his car and David's family, plus Wes, were still standing – well, Cassie was being held by Johnny – on the doorstep and waving them goodbye. He got into his car sadly, head hanging as he slammed his door shut, because _that_ was Christmas. It had already been and gone.


	23. Chapter 23

**_Dear readers, _**

**_Once more, thanks for all the support of this story, and do really love hearing your thoughts on the chapters...and I feel like that doesn't quite make sense, but I think my brain's in shut down in preperatio for school again on Tuesday, so I can't be bothered to work out why. Good thing I edited this earlier!_**

**_To Chrisch; I'm really glad that you liked the story; it was hard for me to get into Charlie's head and voice at first - I don't think I've ever really written from that kind of POV before - so I'm glad that I managed to pull it off! Oh, and "I take my hat off to you", or whatever you wrote that was like that, is definitely a phrase._**

**_Enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time."_ ― Laura Ingalls Wilder

* * *

Kurt wasn't entirely sure that he could quite get his head around his dad appearing in the doorway holding a Christmas tree. Kurt was overjoyed to see him, but he was completely shocked all the same. He had been planning to spend Christmas day in utter misery, watching TV and eating in an unhealthy manner so that when New Year rolled around he could instantly feel refreshed and good with the promise of NYADA. Now, Kurt wasn't complaining about those plans being cancelled because – you know – they sucked, but he wasn't sure he could handle being merry right now either.

He loved that his dad was _here_, making the effort to come out when Kurt didn't want to go back simply to reaffirm the fact that their family – just Burt and Kurt – came first beyond anything else, but Kurt wasn't sure that he could keep up the pretence that he was alright around his dad for however long he was here. His dad knew him better than anyone; their relationship was _special_, and Kurt knew that he couldn't get his dad to believe that he was okay with Blaine when everything had been dredged back up by his conversation with Wes and that goddamn video that he'd been stupid enough to watch

Still, despite feeling worry over how to make sure that his dad didn't get back onto his I-want-you-to-fix-things-with-Blaine wagon, he loved the way that his dad fitted straight into the life here. How easy he was with Rachel; telling her about his mum in a way that made Kurt feel like he could smile at the memory of that first Christmas without her instead of tearing up in the way that Rachel did and giving her a Christmas present – that little Apple decoration – that meant that there was something special of his and Rachel's first Christmas together hanging on that tree; another good memory to join all the rest.

He could remember all the Christmases that he'd spent just with his dad in a shower of delight because his dad had spoilt him rotten as a child, giving him almost anything that he asked for, and he felt like he was torn somewhere between incredibly nostalgic for all those Christmases past and overjoyed that he got to do all his traditions with his dad for one more year. He remembered that feeling in the hall of NYADA; the way that he'd seen how to transplant a good part of Ohio into New York, and realised that this was the same – this was something, so private and personal, that would work instantly.

This would work because this was what a Hummel family Christmas was about. It wasn't about some guy's birthday – who probably hadn't been born on that day or even existed – or angels or anything stupid like that. No, Christmas was about _their_ family. It was about how, no matter how different they may be, they loved each other more than anybody. Kurt remembered why he'd smiled for the first time after his mum had died when his dad had gotten the tree; it had meant that the world kept on turning. The tree meant that the world hadn't ended after his mum had gone. More than that, the tree meant that he was _allowed_ to be happy – it meant that his dad wanted him to celebrate and hang his mother's perfume bottle and remember…It meant that it was okay to do all that because his dad knew his mum better than anyone so if he said it was okay then it meant she – his _mum_ – was okay with it, and wanted that, too. How could that thought not have put a smile on his face?

All of those thoughts, and the feelings conjured up by the memories that they were linked to, was enough to put a smile on his face. It was more than enough, actually, to make him feel like it was a merry Christmas. It was enough to make him excitedly wrap up warm as his dad told him that he had a treat form him that would require them facing the cold outside. It was enough to make him feel really warm on the inside as he walked down the streets by his dad's side. It was enough to make him feel _whole_ – really, properly, _whole_ – once again.

It helped that his dad was smiling constantly; laughter sparkling in his eyes as he watched Kurt's reaction – squealing and leaping to hug his dad – when they came to a stop outside a theatre and his dad pulled out two tickets, and a constant smile on his face as he watched the show. Every time that Kurt looked at him, his dad was facing the stage, eyes trained on the performers, and smiling no matter what they doing or singing. He was smiling, not because of where they were or what they were doing, but because he was doing it beside _Kurt_. Kurt hadn't thought about it for some time given that he and his dad, whilst undoubtedly parting ways as staunch friends, were at odds over his choices – his _choice_ to do with _Blaine_ – but he seemed to provide as much comfort for his dad as his dad did for him.

Kurt got something out of seeing his dad by his side because there were times that Kurt couldn't believe that he was there. There were times when Kurt had been scared that he _couldn't_ be there. Naturally, of course, there had been times when Kurt had not wanted his father there because, well, he had been a teenager, but those moments had been fleeting and heat of the moment things when he was so sure that his dad could never understand who he was and how he felt and that, maybe, deep down, his dad would rather Kurt was someone else. And in all of that, Kurt had never considered the idea that his dad might be unable to believe, too, that Kurt was by his side.

He guessed – he sort of _knew_ – that he'd never thought of it because Kurt hadn't seen himself as changing in order to meet be with his dad because his dad had told him so many times that it was a parent's job to love their child no matter what, but, at the same time, his dad had been right by what he'd said on that stage just before he'd given that ridiculous performance of _Single Ladies_; they'd started walking towards each other. It had been just as much, Kurt learning to understand his dad as his dad learning to understand him, and maybe, as fleeting as those times had been when Kurt had thought that his dad wanted him to be different, he'd thought that Kurt wouldn't bother.

He blinked, focusing back onto the stage properly, amazed by his mind's ability to go off on complete tangents despite the fact that he was watching a _Broadway musical…_ He supposed it was just the fact that his dad was smiling at the stage – that really just boggled his brain a little because he had half been expecting his dad to fall asleep in boredom instead staring at it in an enraptured fashion…okay, it was quite "_enraptured_", but it was weird. He just couldn't believe that he was watching a Broadway musical with his _dad_, and he also couldn't believe that his dad had planned all this as a surprise for him…Kurt got the niggling feeling that his dad might know that he wasn't okay and had been planning to wallow, which wasn't good because that meant there would be a conversation about Blaine at some point…just what he wanted…

* * *

"I never thought I'd see this day," he said, finally voicing his thoughts as they crossed the street, wide smile on his face that perfectly matched the one on his dad's face. "us walking down the streets of New York," he looked at his dad, still feeling that rush that he felt from his dad being in New York, even though he looked like an idiot wearing a baseball cap in _Winter_ – who did that? "back from seeing a live Broadway musical." He couldn't get the ridiculously large smile off his face because he _still_ – even though the musical had finished – couldn't believe that he'd sat through it with his dad.

"Well, the Rockets might have better legs than me, but they can't touch my _Single Ladies_ performance." Kurt laughed a little bit because he got the feeling that that joke – performance, whatever – was never going to get old.

"That was _the best_ musical I have ever seen!" he exclaimed, truthfully, because it had been; the singers, the songs, the performance, his _dad_ – the best musical experience that he would ever have; _ever_.

"Ah, it's freezing! I say it's time we check off another Hummel family tradition; hot chocolate!" He certainly couldn't argue with that because it was _freezing_, despite the comforting warmth that he got from the weight of his dad's arm around his shoulder, and wondered just how much time his dad had spent planning this as he marched confidently off in the direction of some place that would sell hot chocolate.

The place wasn't a long walk away, and it was warm; heat hitting Kurt and enveloping him in a lovely embrace the moment he stepped inside, and his dad didn't take an arm from his shoulder as they sat down at the counter, placing their order for hot chocolate and falling into a relaxed silence as they waited, not that long, for the mugs of hot liquid with a layer of froth on top to be delivered in front of them, a plate of snacks between them.

"Kurt," said his dad as Kurt dipped his finger into the froth, preparing to scoop some off onto his finger so that he could taste it. "I have something to tell you," and Kurt felt his heart start beating a little faster, even as he casually raised the froth coated finger to his mouth, because he hated it when people started sentences like that; it never preluded anything good. "and I came here because it's the kind of thing that I wanted to tell you face to face." Kurt felt the bottom drop of stomach a little bit because his dad hadn't come here to give him a wonderful Christmas, he'd come here to tell him something awful.

"Don't like the sound of that," he commented in a rather blasé fashion that hid from his dad, perfectly, the worry and panic that was building up uncontrollably inside of him; the trains of thought in his head running round in a very frenzied mess, emitting clouds of steam that was beginning to obscure the rational part of his mind.

"Look, I'm just going to come out and say it because there's no…good way to say it," and if Kurt had ever wanted to slap his hands over his father's mouth to stop him from speaking this was the moment. He didn't want his dad to finish that sentence. He didn't want everything to be ruined. He didn't want whatever crushing ball of truth that his dad had hanging over them to come crashing down on him. "…um, I have prostate cancer."

Kurt felt his heart stop beating. An incredible feeling of nausea, fuelled by fear and panic and horror, was forming at the base of his throat, making him want to gag and vomit up all of insides.

_No_.

Oh God; _no_. This- this was why his dad was here, wasn't it? It- it was _bad_. He was- he was going to lose his dad, and that was why his dad was here because he wanted to salvage, to scavenge, some new happiness before the darkness fell onto them both and took _everything_ – everything that they'd worked so hard to build between them – away.

He could feel tears pooling instantly into his eyes because he was going to lose his dad. He was going to lose the one constant, the one steady, thing in his life. He was going to lose the only fixed mark that he had. That one thing that he was tethered to without having tied the knot – the one place he could always run to; _home_ – was going to be cut away from him – _gone_.

"I feel like I'm going to be sick," he admitted, because that was the only thing he could say. The rest of the thoughts in his head were a jumbled mess, each image of destruction fighting its way forward to flaunt itself in his mind's eye, but the sickness – the overbearing nausea – was still there; a terrifying prelude to the constant that he was going to be left with when his dad was cruelly snatched, like so many other things, from him.

"No, no, hey, hey, look at me. Do I look like a guy who's dying?" But Kurt couldn't look his dad in the eye because he didn't want to see – to imagine – what his dad could be like because Kurt had _seen_ that; he'd already had to face what his dad looked like when he was near death; still, lifeless, relatively pale…empty. He didn't want to look at the person in the chair next to him, who had smiled so much, and see that. "We caught it early, you know?" He chanced a look at his dad, taking all the courage that he had left and facing it. "Local stage, no spreading, cure rate's nearly a hundred per cent."

"For healthy people, dad," he said, pulling the snack bowl away from his dad and still overflowing with worry because his dad shouldn't be so casual about this – he had _cancer_; cancer _killed_ – and he wasn't a healthy person. He'd had a heart attack; that had to make things worse. "you've already had a heart attack."

"The heart attack is what, you know, made me get check-ups twice a year," Kurt stared at him incredulously because that did _not_ make the fact that he'd had a heart attack okay. He took a deep breath in, closing his eyes, and knew that his dad was positive about this. Kurt didn't want to take away his drive or belief that he would get better, but…It may be because Kurt wasn't in a good place at the moment, or because he was sceptical about hospitals and what they said, but he could still imagine his dad _dying_ over living, and the idea terrified him. He couldn't lose his dad. He could hear the conversation that they'd had just before he left Lima for the last time ringing around and around and around in his head because _this_ had been what he'd been dreading then…

…"…_you look after your own health…I mean it, dad, all of my achievements mean nothing if you're not there to be proud of me and tell me I've done well_."

"_I'm trying, kid,…I want to be there when you graduate, and when you go on stage for the first time…But, Kurt, I know that what happened to your friend is…causing old memories to resurface, but I'm not giving up – I have everything; __**you**__, to live for_."…

"It's just really scary to think that when I…finally reach my…_destiny_…that you won't be around to see it," he admitted, looking at his dad and knowing that he was remembering the conversation that they'd had to because it had been the same; it all meant nothing to Kurt if his dad wasn't there.

"Hey," said his dad, putting one of those strong hands that had looked after Kurt so well onto his back. "it's just like I said in the car park, nothing's changed," Kurt wanted to argue that things _had_ changed – his dad had _cancer_ now – but his dad's steady gaze silenced him before he could speak. "I _will_ be there, I promise." Kurt swallowed slightly, tears in his eyes because he could never argue with that; his dad _would_ be there.

His dad removed his hand from Kurt's back, and Kurt tried to calm down. He believed his dad's promise – how could he not? – but there was a part of him; that cynically rational part, that was saying that, in the end, his dad's promise meant nothing if the cancer spread or progressed to the next stage. No promise could save his life if that happened; in the end his dad's life would be in the hands of doctors and fate.

"Look," said his dad, cutting through his depressing thoughts. "can I just give you one piece of advice while we're still talking father to son." Kurt looked at his dad, half nervous about what more he had to say, but reassured all the same by the smile on his face. "This is three times that I've had to stare at death in the eye…and you know the one thing I took away from all that?" Kurt couldn't feel his heart beating at all over the nerves in his system, and he would be _really_ worried by that if he wasn't tense and waiting for what his dad was going to say after that ominous prelude. "You've got to hold the people you love close to you no matter what."

And _there_ it was. There, masked as a general piece of advice from his father after he'd just told him about his cancer, was his you-should-get-back-together-with-Blaine push. Kurt wanted to say something about that, but he couldn't argue with his dad on it. He knew that that was what death – the _threat_ of death – did; it pulled the people that cared closer together. So, because it was his dad and he had cancer and it was _Christmas_, he simply gave him a smile and reached over to take his dad's hand because even if he couldn't hold Blaine close; he could keep his dad by his side even if they disagreed over fundamental things. He was _his_ dad, and Kurt loved him.

* * *

Kurt hated the feeling of worry. They'd made it back, in relative silence because Kurt was still absorbing the shock of what his dad had told him, and his "_advice_, to his apartment, and now Kurt could hardly look at his dad without feeling panic clog up his chest, butterflies erupt in his stomach and some nausea colour things because it was _nausea_. He didn't know what to do. It wasn't like the heart attack when he could fuss about his health and exercise; what could he do to help his dad, who was sitting so casually in a chair with his feet up that it made Kurt somewhere between relieved, frustrated and even _more_ worried?

"Dad," he said, finally unable to keep his worries locked inside him because he would _explode_. "you okay? Do you need a pillow or tea…water?" He desperately wanted his dad to tell him what he could do help him even just a little bit.

"No, Kurt, stop, come on, let's focus on happy thoughts; like our Christmas traditions." He smiled down at his warm cup of tea, making his way over to his dad because he wanted to focus on those things _badly_, but it was his dad and _cancer_…How could he possibly not focus on it? "I am looking forward to watching basketball on Christmas day whilst you pretend to watch with me."

"You mean while I secretly read _Vogue_," he said, sitting down with an effortless smile because he did like that moment; when they sat side by side in comfortable silence like so many other pairs of father and sons.

"Oh," scoffed his dad. "that was never a secret!" he looked at his dad, almost missing his words, because he did look _okay_. He didn't look how he had been when he was…in hospital, but…what if this was their last Christmas together? He couldn't get it out of his head because, take out the cancer revelation, and it had been _perfect_. His dad wanted it to be perfect, and he couldn't help but remember Blaine singing _their_ song just before it all fell apart; trying to make everything perfect before it ended. "No, like our other Christmas traditions, like on Christmas eve where we each exchange one gift."

"My favourite part," he said, softly, because he loved the special, secretive, feeling that he got when they did that. He remembered when he was little, _very_ little, feeling that he was special because Santa had given him a present one day early, and when he'd gotten older it hadn't lost its magic because it had felt like they were doing something naughty – a wonderful crime that would never fail to put a smile on his face. "Alright, you first," he said, grabbing the bag that had been placed by the edge of the sofa for his moment as his dad sat forward in excitement. He watched as his dad delved into the bag with something akin to childlike pleasure and pulled out the NYADA hat, emitting a delighted laugh.

"Nice!" he exclaimed as he pulled of the old hat to swap it for the NYADA one, Kurt watching on with a smile.

"I know it's cheesy, but I thought you'd like it," Kurt had no idea why he was justifying his reasons for buying his dad a hat because his dad loved baseball caps.

"Screw cheesy! I love it!" said Burt, pulling it onto his head, and Kurt knew that his dad felt nothing but pride for Kurt as he wore that hat because that had been precisely why Kurt bought it; to give him a way to show it off to everyone. "And this," continued his dad, picking up the shirt. "I love it man! You're going to _kick ass_ at that school." Kurt pursed his lips together in a smile because somehow thinking of NYADA was painful because he'd only gotten in at the expense of Blaine and for some reason that hurt because he didn't even know if Blaine knew that he had gotten in!

"That's the plan," he said, knowing that his voice lacked enthusiasm, but he couldn't help it. "Alright, my turn," he said, sitting up in excitement and wondering what his dad had given him. His dad sat forward in his seat.

"Now, my present for you is really big, and it wouldn't fit under the tree…and I don't know if it's arrived," Kurt arched an eyebrow in mild confusion and disbelief, highly curious. "So, I think we better go and pick it up. We need to wrap up warm and head back out." Kurt stared at his dad, intensely curious, and saw that he wasn't joking. He slowly got his feet and his dad mirrored the action.

"Alright then, where are we off to?"

* * *

Kurt had to admit that he had _no_ idea what his dad had planned for him when they apparently arrived at the place that his present ought to be. He had tried wheedling it out of his dad, but he wouldn't budge, simply repeating that it was a surprise and he didn't want Kurt to get his hopes up if it didn't come. The fact that it may or may not be there just intensified his feelings of confusion and curiosity because everything about this evening had been so carefully planned that it didn't make sense that he didn't know whether his present was here.

He took in the ice rink and all the stalls around them that were decorated with fairy lights. There were random people around; skating, shopping, talking, but there was nothing here that looked like a present, or anyone that he knew. He looked up at his dad, noticing that he was scanning the area with a very intent look on his face. Kurt waited patiently as his dad checked his watch, pulling a face, and then shook his head, glancing down at Kurt with an apologetic expression that made something inside of him lurch.

"Come on, let's get some coffee," Kurt blinked, entirely nonplussed by the situation, and trailed his dad to a stall selling coffee. A couple of minutes and an exchange of cash for coffee later both he and his dad were cradling cups of coffee in their hands.

"Dad, what's going on?" he asked, looking up at his dad with an arched eyebrow. "What was meant to be here?" his dad sighed and beckoned Kurt over to a bench. Kurt sat down opposite his dad, looking around once more and half expecting people to jump out at him and yell surprise or something of the sort.

"Blaine," said his dad, simply, and Kurt felt something inside of him lurch at the sound of his name. "Blaine was meant to be here." Kurt looked around, feeling apprehensive and nervy as he double checked to make sure that Blaine wasn't anywhere in the vicinity; he was nowhere to be seen. Kurt turned back to his dad.

"Blaine?" he questioned, trying to keep his feelings of annoyance beneath his cool exterior because he was quite pissed off that his dad was meddling in this once he'd _promised_ to stand by his decision. "_Blaine_ was meant to be here, why?" Burt sighed and took a sip from the coffee, clearly putting off answering Kurt's question. Kurt pursed his lips and gave his dad as much as a glare as he could. "_Dad_!"

"Look," said his dad in a placating tone of voice that just made Kurt feel even more angry because he knew that he wasn't going to like where this was going. "I went to see Blaine," Kurt felt his whole body stiffen at that. His dad had gone to visit Blaine? He felt quite violated by that. "_because_," continued Burt, like he knew that Kurt was seething and holding back his fury. "I wanted to find out if what you said about him not caring about you was true because if it was I would happily have ripped him limb from limb for hurting you." Kurt stared at his dad, not impressed by his threat of violence and not liking the "_if_" in that sentence because he got the impression that there was a "_but_" coming soon. "_but_," said his dad, firmly, and Kurt rolled his eyes. "I don't think that that's true…First thing he did was panic over whether something had happened to you; kid could barely _speak_ he was freaking out too much." Kurt sighed in a hopeless manner.

"_Dad_," he said, tiredly. "I- I appreciate that you're trying to…_salvage_ something from me and Blaine because…I loved him, and we need to hold the people we love close, but…" he shrugged. "I gave him more than one opportunity to come clean with me. He knows that I want to know, and he knows that I…that I would try and work this out with him, but he doesn't want that…You haven't seen him and Sebastian."

"Yeah, I have," countered Burt, who had been watching Kurt so closely when he'd been talking that Kurt had felt like he was being examined under a microscope. "and they don't look like anything more than friends…I saw them backstage, _alone_, and all they were doing was laughing. They were just laughing over something…I don't know what, but Sebastian spotted me, and he was sarky, but he left us – me and Blaine – pretty quick. I didn't see them kiss or hold hands or _anything_…All Sebastian did was pat his back." Kurt sighed, giving his dad an exasperated look that told him to_ please_ stop filling Kurt's mind with confusion and doubts.

"Dad, he probably did that because he saw you…I saw them at Blaine's house, at the hospital, okay? I know that when I called Blaine he was too busy with Sebastian to answer his phone."

"And you trust that Hunter kid?" countered Burt, and Kurt let out a short sigh, annoyed by his dad's stubbornness. However, he couldn't answer automatically and say yes because Wes had told him that Hunter had only really changed his mind after _Do You Hear the People Sing?_, which had been _after_ Kurt's phone call.

"No, not really," he said, honestly. "but I can't see why he'd lie; he has _no reason_ to not tell Blaine what I said or to lie to me – I don't even _know_ him." Burt was watching him with a frown that was really intense. "Dad?"

"Did you really say that thing about only getting into NYADA because you and Blaine broke up?" he demanded, and Kurt blinked, guessing that Blaine must have told him, and then nodded. He saw his dad project a look onto him that silently questioned everything that he had said about being over Blaine and moving on. Kurt pursed his lips because he'd lost his head for one second, alright, it was not a big deal...or so he'd like to believe.

"Is there anything else you want to tell me about Blaine?" he asked, eventually, because he didn't like the critical look that he was getting and he wanted to know how that had led Burt to thinking that Blaine might be here. Burt sighed, sipping some more of his coffee, and Kurt did the same because it was getting cold between his fingers, and he needed something to do that would vaguely occupy his mind.

"Of course," said Burt. "he got pretty upset when I questioned what he was doing; asked me to trust him, and when I asked whether what he'd done was criminal-" Kurt spluttered on his coffee because that thought had never occurred to him, and he was surprised that his dad had thought of that. "What?" said Burt in a defensive manner as Kurt gave him an incredulous look because Blaine was no criminal. "He wouldn't tell you, it was a legitimate thought."

"Right…" said Kurt, no convincement in his voice whatsoever because he just _knew_ that Blaine would never do that. Blaine might have broken his heart and lied to him, but he was still good person...and Kurt was fully aware that that thought didn't really make sense, but he was going to ignore that.

"Anyway," said Burt. "I asked why he didn't go after you in the hospital." Kurt looked up in interest at that, meeting his dad's eyes and for the first time wanting to know about Blaine. Burt gave him a slightly knowing look at that, but moved to carry on talking so as not to leave Kurt hanging. "He said that he _wanted_ to, but Thad's dad came out of the room; said that he said that Thad _needed_ him." Kurt took a deep breath, drinking down some coffee as he tried to calm his thoughts. He didn't think for one second that Blaine would lie about something like that, which implied, did it not, that Blaine had _wanted_ to tell him.

"What else?" he demanded, looking at his dad with wide eyes because things were changing. He could feel his heart pounding because why hadn't Blaine come after him? Except he couldn't have, and it was probably something – _definitely_ given that it had factored into Thad's suicide – that needed to be done face to face.

"He said," said Burt, sighing. "that he couldn't come out when I asked him the first time. He said that it was one of the conditions of going back to Dalton. He said that he'd be lucky to get out of the house for one day without his brother, or something, and that his parents would never let him." Kurt swallowed, trying not to feel bitter because Blaine had fought for one day out to sing duets with Sebastian so why couldn't he come here?

Wait. Kurt wanted Blaine to have come?… Yes, oh God; _yes_, he did.

"So why were you thinking that he would be here?" he asked, pushing down any feeling of jealousy. His dad sighed and tapped his fingers against the table top.

"I sent him the ticket, and I didn't hear back from him…I thought that might mean he was here." Kurt nodded in understanding, feeling annoyed that his dad had sent Blaine a ticket – spent money on it – and Blaine had just ignored it. Sometimes, he felt like Blaine had been a complete fraud with his polite manners and honesty. "But I probably shouldn't have expected him to…and I asked him if he would change it if he could…" Kurt nervously met his dad's eyes, feeling that same feeling of apprehension inside of him; desperate to know the truth, but terrified of what that truth may bring. "…he said yes, and he wasn't lying to me, Kurt, I know it."

Kurt swallowed, looking down at the almost empty cup between his gloved hands. He didn't know how to feel. That- that implied that Blaine didn't like the situation that he was in; them broken up, being with Sebastian, back at Dalton, but that didn't make sense. If Blaine wished that he could change it why didn't he just _tell_ Kurt what was going on? If he wanted to change things, and Kurt believed his dad and trusted his judgement, then why didn't he just simply break it off with Sebastian, transfer back to McKinley and contact Kurt so they could work their way through this _together_? What the _hell_ was Blaine playing at?

Kurt raked a hand through his hair, frown on his face as he sunk his chin down onto the eblow that was resting on the table. No matter how hard he tried, Kurt could not discern what Blaine's motive was, or what had happened to him – and Thad. He didn't understand the situation at all – things were getting messier not clearer – and he just wished that it would vanish away from him. He wished that it would leave him alone; wished that it would all be over.

"Come on," said Burt, getting to his feet. "I paid for two people on this rink so we might as well get out there." Kurt spluttered, looking up at his dad with an incredulous expression. His dad couldn't skate.

"Dad," he said, trying to sound calm and controlled. "you can't skate." Burt grinned down at him.

"I know, but you can; you can hold my hand whilst I grip to the edge and guide me round so I don't fall." Kurt stared up at his dad in disbelief before letting out a laugh and getting to his feet. It was insane, and he was worried about his dad's health, but…_why not_? He needed something to take his mind of things.

"Alright," he said, shaking his head. "let's go." The two of them moved off to get skates, and a couple of minutes later his dad was taking tentative steps onto the ice. It was hilarious, and Kurt kept a tight grip on his dad's hands whilst he skated around with complete and utter ease. Somehow, between Kurt and the side, they managed to stay on their feet, and they could barely breathe they were laughing so hard because it was so insane what they were doing, but it was also incredibly fun. When midnight chimed the two of them were still on the ice, holding hands as they faced each other. Kurt looked straight at his dad and didn't have to say anything to say Merry Christmas. His dad pulled him into a tight hug, and they said, silently, through that simple embrace, that they loved each other unequivocally.


	24. Chapter 24

**_Dear readers, _**

**_Thanks once more for all your support of this story, I really appreciate it! Excitingly enough, I turn sixteen in a couple of days, but I'm finding that that event is mainly being overshadowed by GCSE's (goddamn school!) because my exams, like, properly started last week because, although I don't have any others until the beginning of May, I took my German speaking and had the complete freakout moment when you go "if I screw this up then I'm going to fail this subject!" and thought I was going to throw up in, and before, the exam...luckily, though, I didn't, and I don't think I messed up the exam either (fingers crossed!). Either way, I'm glad that I already had this chapter written otherwise I have no idea when I would have written it!_**

**_To Chrisch; no, Wes didn't tell Blaine about the conversation he had with Kurt. He saw that Blaine was really happy and in such a good mood, and he couldn't bring himself to ruin it over nothing much because, from Blaine's perspective, nothing new came up in the conversation - Kurt learnt something really important, but it's not so important that Blaine knew what happened...and, as I've only just realised now, there is no way that Wes was going to mention that Kurt knew the other person was Thad because Blaine would probably end up telling Thad that, and then Thad would freak out completely...In short, he decided not to ruin their early Christmas festivites. _**

**_Enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"Always winter but never Christmas."_ ― C.S. Lewis, _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe_

* * *

Blaine was walking down the hallway of their weirdly quiet house on Christmas Eve mid-morning, when the post came through the door. He turned to it, spotting a large brown envelope at the bottom of the pile, and darted over to it with a grin. The moment he got back from David's, Blaine had contacted Stephanie and had managed to organise her sending down some photos. He and Cooper didn't talk to each other, avoiding the other's eyes, and their mum was forced to talk nineteen to the dozen to their dad to stop the house from being a powder-keg of silent tension. Either way, Blaine had been waiting in anticipation for the letter because that meant he could fix things with Cooper and hopefully show him that a child wasn't as bad as he was making out.

He picked up all the letters, noting that there were some more Christmas cards from random family members and friends, and his attention was captured by the presence of another envelope addressed to him. He recognised the handwriting vaguely, but couldn't place it or say why he knew it, and hurried through to the kitchen, shouting a vague greeting at his mother, dumped most of the letters and darted to his room with the two for him. Chucking aside the one from Stephanie, Blaine opened the smaller envelope with a frown. Pulling out the contents, he felt his heart stop when he saw a plane ticket.

The ticket was for an aisle seat on a flight to New York that left in the early evening. There was a note in the envelope that told Blaine to go to a certain address in New York. Burt hoped to see him that night.

Blaine put the envelope down with trembling hands and tried to think carefully. He desperately wanted to go and see Kurt, to get down on bended knee and beg for forgiveness, but was he prepared to tell Kurt everything? When he had been in the hospital, he had been teetering on the edge of telling him, but looking back Blaine wasn't sure if he could go through with it. He was still too scared.

Biting down on his bottom lip and fighting the feeling that he was an utter coward, he got to his feet because if he asked his mum if he could go and she said no, which she would, then it wasn't _his_ fault that he hadn't come. If he took out the potential for him to go at all then he didn't have to make the decision about whether or not he wanted to tell Kurt what had happened… Blaine was a _terrible_ coward.

He hurried from his room, bounding down the stairs and generating far more noise than he ought to, and dashed into the kitchen, skidding to a halt as his mum turned to him with disapproving eyes from where she was carefully preparing their pre-Christmas dinner. He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to untie his tongue.

"Blaine," said his mum in a falsely calm voice. "do you need something because if you don't would you _please_ leave the kitchen and stop thumping around…I'm trying to prepare dinner and to make sure this place doesn't turn into a crime scene on Christmas day." Blaine managed a tiny smile at that and took a deep breath.

"Mum, can I go to New York this evening?" he asked in a tentative voice. His mother gave him one look, eyebrows arching before shaking her head and turning back to the pots on that were on the stove.

"Please don't joke around, Blaine, your father is very close to losing his temper completely; pulling our legs isn't going to help the situation." Blaine stared at his mum, completely understanding why she thought he was joking, but, at the same time, did she really think he would given that Blaine bore the brunt of his dad's anger?

"I'm not joking, mum," he said, calmly. "Mr Hummel sent me the ticket, and he wants me to fly out for Kurt." His mum stared him over once, face softening as she looked around to check that his father wasn't in earshot.

"Look, Blaine," she said in a hushed voice. "I understand that you love Kurt, and you want to make him happy, but you can't do this…If you do then at the very _least_ your dad will pull you out of Dalton and send you god knows where!" she stared at him intensely. "You have to choose what you want because if you go to New York tonight than I can't guarantee that you'll have a roof over your head when you come back..." Blaine swallowed, looking down at his feet; he certainly couldn't risk getting thrown out; he couldn't leave Dalton; he couldn't even tell Kurt the truth…so why did he want to go so badly? "Blaine, reimburse Mr Hummel for the ticket, apologise and don't mention it to your father." Blaine nodded, dully, at his mother, not meeting her eyes.

As he turned around, he realised that he knew exactly why he wanted to see Kurt; he wanted to see him smile again.

Blaine called Burt precisely once in the evening. He had put if off the whole day by re-watching the videos that David's family had posted on his Youtube page and keeping his mind as far away from the envelope and Kurt as possible. Eventually, once he noticed that the plane had left, he knew that he had to call Burt and tell him that he wasn't coming. He called Kurt's home number and listened to it ring until it went through to voice mail. He'd left a message and then hung up, feeling guilty and nervous. He felt like he should try harder to get in touch with Burt, but he couldn't bring himself to.

He went to bed with the photos in an envelope on his bedside table, having come to the conclusion that he'd give it to him on Christmas day, and the ticket in the bin by his door. He could barely sleep his mind was so occupied with Kurt and what he was doing and how must feel and what Burt would tell him or if Burt would simply not tell Kurt that Blaine was meant to go…or even if Kurt would care at all.

* * *

"Blaine, if you don't get your arse out of bed in this exact second, you are totally never going to graduate." Blaine peeled his eyes open, swatting at the figure above him and grumbling under his breath. He could hear laughter and sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes and blinking furiously so that the world before him came into proper focus. "Nice of you to join us," Blaine scowled at the sight of Cooper sitting at the end of his bed, fully dressed.

"What time is it?" he asked, poorly stifling a yawn. Cooper checked his watch with a deliberate smirk on his face. He took a long time about it, bringing the face closer to his eyes and then further away. Blaine rolled his eyes and made to reach for his phone.

"It's _ten thirty_!" exclaimed Cooper, seconds before Blaine's hands could close around the mobile, and Blaine let out a groan and flopped down onto his pillows – his dad was totally going to kill him for breaking the ten o'clock rule. It wasn't even like Blaine had an excuse because if Blaine had told him that he'd stayed awake considering ways to run away to New York without being caught he'd probably throw Blaine out onto the curb.

"Fuck," he grumbled, and Cooper laughed at him. Blaine scowled, throwing his hands over his face so that he didn't have to look at his brother's smirking face, and the way that he was taking pleasure in the fact that their dad was going to be tearing into Blaine on Christmas.

"You better get the hell out of bed," said Cooper, pulling the blankets off Blaine. Blaine groaned loudly. "I'm serious, Blaine, mum's been up _twice_, and dad's going to come up soon. Believe me when I say that he's pissed because, not only are you breaking his precious ten o'clock rule, but mum let slip about New York."

"Shit!" Blaine shot upright, eyes flying wide open and staring at Cooper in panic. "You serious?" Cooper's smirk fell from his face as he gave a sincere nod.

"Yeah, she was talking to me about it, and dad walked in…The _hell_ were you thinking, Blaine? How dumb are you? Did you think you had _any_ chance of going?" Blaine kicked his feet free from the blankets and swung himself out of bed. He ran a hand through his curls and stared down at his brother.

"I didn't think I could go, I just- I had to- I had to _try_," he stared at his brother, hoping that he would understand, but he saw, instantly, that he didn't. His brother was staring at him with a rather supercilious expression on his face that said that Blaine was an idiot, and Blaine totally got that enough already from Sebastian. "Alright, get the hell out of my room. I'll be down as soon as I can." Cooper gave Blaine one last look that said he was an idiot before getting off the bed, stretching and yawning in a rather pointed fashion.

"Make that ten minutes…_max_." Blaine sent his brother a disparaging look, saying that there was no way that he would be downstairs in ten minutes to which Cooper simply frowned and sauntered from the room. Blaine grumbled under his breath and picked up his phone, sending quick responses to all the "_Merry Christmas_" texts that he'd gotten before heading towards the shower.

Blaine showered for as long as he possibly could until the banging on his bathroom door, and his brother's yelling, told him that he would be murdered if he wasn't downstairs soon. He heaved a sigh as he turned off the water, and then hollered to his brother that he would be coming down to join them soon before stepping out of the shower and beginning to towel himself dry,

The whole time his mind kept trying to wander onto the topic of Kurt as he dried and got dressed, and it was a constant battle to stop himself from imagining what Kurt's reaction to his appearance would have been. However, no matter how hard he tried, he kept questioning whether Kurt would have been relieved, happy or angry. Would he have leapt straight back into his interrogation, or would there have been a cool rebuttal of his well wishes? Would they have pretended to make up for his dad's sake, or would they have found a way to make their friend ship work? And, most importantly and debatably of all, would Blaine have told him the truth?

Blaine couldn't decide whether he would have poured his heart out to Kurt because it hurt too much to see the mask that hid all his feelings; anger, betrayal, mistrust, or would he have been too afraid and hid himself behind the defence that it was Christmas and Kurt deserved to be happy?

The honest answer was that Blaine didn't know. He just _didn't_ know. He knew that now, in the relative safety of his home, he couldn't it, but Kurt was…_Kurt_, and Blaine didn't know the limit to what he would do to make Kurt happy. Blaine knew that Burt had shaken his resolve, and it held when he was alone, but with Kurt… Blaine couldn't work out whether it would hold firm or crumble away…

He let out a sigh, ruffling up his curls, and knew he couldn't delay going down to join his family – his _father_ – any longer. He looked at his phone and immediately felt better. He smiled at the pictures that David had sent him of him and his family. He laughed at Sebastian's grumbling about being awoken before midday by Thad, who, in turn, was very confused by his parents because they'd woken him up really early. He wondered in amusement how Nick and Jeff had managed to sneak out and meet up _already_. And he completely agreed with Trent that all their texting was going to land them in _serious_ trouble with their families.

Putting his phone on silent and tucking it into his pocket, Blaine left his room as Cooper came crashing up the stairs towards him. He looked very put out, and Blaine couldn't exactly blame him because it was quarter past eleven so Cooper must have already had to deal with their dad for over an hour on his own. Cooper glared at him, not bothering to wish him a Merry Christmas, and Blaine followed him back down the stairs and into the sitting room. The tree had been tastefully – _coldly_ – been decorated by his mum, and it had a sparse amount of presents under it; most of their relatives sent money or gift cards, and it wasn't like their parents to lavish either of them with gifts given that they were both "_disappointments_", and Cooper and Blaine only gave each other and their parents one present each…It was a pretty sorry sight.

"Nice of you to join us, Blaine, I was beginning to think I was going to need to fill out more application forms for you." Blaine pursed his lips and pulled his mouth into a tight, polite smile as he took a seat on the sofa, trying to ignore the fact that his dad and brother's greetings had begun in exactly the same way because he didn't want to think for one second that Coop was like his dad, or else he'd have to back out of his plans.

"I'm sorry that I might have inconvenienced you," he shot back, shortly. He heard his mum let out a small groan and reach for the already open bottle of wine that was sitting by the harth. He saw that his dad and brother had half full glasses, but his mum's had clearly already been drained at least once. He let out a sigh, feeling bad for pushing his mum back towards the bottle, and pulled out an apologetic expression. "I wasn't seriously thinking about it; I just didn't get much sleep last night. I'm sorry that I broke the ten o'clock rule."

There was a moment in which Blaine was sure that his dad did a double take at Blaine's U-turn, Cooper let out a cough that sounded a lot like "_spineless_" and his mum set back down the bottle, shooting him a grateful smile. Blaine gave her a taut one in return because he'd brought this on them for being an idiot and asking his mum and putting her in the position that he had. He knew that she hated keeping things from his father for fear of his reaction to that. His dad could be pretty terrifying when he was _very_ angry.

"You owe me more than that," replied his father, sharply. "but I suppose that it's the first step towards you showing me some respect again." Blaine clenched his jaw to stop himself from spitting out something about how his father's intolerance and narrow-mindedness would never earn him any respect from Blaine.

"Presents!" exclaimed his mum, brightly, after there was a very long, awkward pause. Blaine took in a deep breath and looked at Cooper. Cooper looked like he was brooding, and Blaine could get it; their house was a powder-keg. This wasn't the kind of environment that Blaine would ever want to bring a child up in, and it was pretty much the only environment that Cooper had ever experienced with their parents. Blaine hadn't had the same amount of disapproval and pressure shovelled onto his shoulders as Cooper had simply because Blaine had shown an interest in sport. He got that Cooper didn't wish this on anyone, but…it didn't have to be this way.

"Yeah!" he enthused, weakly. There was another silence before Blaine realised that if this day was going to go anywhere than _he_ had to be the one to make a move. He let a large sigh, telling everyone that this displeased him because he drew the line at pretending that he wanted to be there, and slid off the sofa. He pulled out the measly stack of presents and handed them to the different members of his family.

"Merry Christmas!" said his mum in an overenthusiastic voice. Blaine cringed slightly at it, and he saw Cooper arch an eyebrow. His dad simply pursed his lips and tilted his head to the side in a silent gesture of thanks. Blaine gave him the smallest of nods as he sank back onto the sofa, thinking it was better than nothing.

They unwrapped their presents in a very tense silence. Blaine received some shirts and socks along with a fountain pen set (because having an over expensive pen meant he'd become straight and serious) and several books – he had a feeling that they would either slander homosexuality in some way, or would promote traditional masculine values – from his parents. Cooper had given him a large sheet music compendium, which was the only thing that put a smile on his face and was grateful for. However, Cooper wasn't looking at him properly so he didn't feel like he could reach over and hug his big brother.

The entire day was utterly unbearable. He was forced to make polite conversation with the rest of his family constantly because he was barely allowed out of their presence. Immediately after presents was worse than the afternoon because his mum kept wandering in and out of the living room to check on the food which meant that Blaine had to force conversation with his dad and brother again. Cooper had decided to dive into one of the boring biographies that they would normally chuck into the corner of their room and never look at again. Their dad looked rather taken aback by his decision to do that, and so he and Blaine had a very stilted conversation about the game that would be on TV and tried to not make eye contact throughout that entire period.

Just before lunch, they were dragged to Church and forced to sit in the pews in complete stillness and silence whilst the pastor read them all Luke for the umpteenth time, and most of the Churchgoers occupied themselves with looking over at Blaine and Cooper and whispering about them behind their hands in a manner that made his dad stiffen in anger and his mum sink into the pew with a defeated expression on her face. Thankfully, though, they left before the pastor, who had tried to talk Blaine into being straight both because his dad ordered him and because he thought Blaine was a sinful child, could come over and talk to them, for which Blaine was very glad because it meant that he didn't have to relieve the painful experience of punching his hand into the wall so that he didn't hit a clergyman.

When they'd hurried back for lunch, they talked about the food that they were eating and how good their mum was at cooking, and Cooper seemed to remember how to function as a normal human being as he began to inhale the food through his mouth at an alarming rate. He didn't speak, though, which was really annoying because Blaine was genuinely _trying_ to stop making things so tense and awkward, but Cooper was simply snubbing his attempts to engage him in the conversation so Blaine decided that he might as well blank him back. He got the impression that their parents were severely disturbed by the apparent character switch between Blaine and Cooper because normally Blaine ate in sullen silence whilst Cooper talked nineteen to the dozen about crap that didn't matter, and he couldn't say that he blamed them one bit for that.

That afternoon, they watched the TV. Blaine's dad decided that he was going to grumble at _everything_ that was on that wasn't sport or the news, and Cooper had decided that the most effective way to block that out was to play _Call Me Maybe_ at top volume on his iPod so that they could all hear it. Blaine didn't really have anything against the song given that he'd performed it, but there was a limit to the amount of times that he could hear it played in a row, and Cooper had probably gone past that in half an hour. Their mother had taken to sipping compulsively at her wine glass, and it made Blaine pretty anxious to see. He didn't say anything, though, because he was more focused on how he was going to give Cooper the photos and what he was going to say…

* * *

"Coop," Blaine knocked on his brother's door, brown envelope clutched in his other hand, peering into the still cluttered room that had been like a holy shrine to him when he was little, along with his dad's study; both places that it was amazing to be let into and nothing was to be touched and everything had to be respected.

"What?" demanded Cooper, pulling a headphone from his ear and looking remarkably like a moody teenager for an adult; he was leant up against his headboard, laptop on lap, music blasting out of the speakers in a manner that _had_ to be damaging his ears and scowl firmly in place. Blaine stepped into the room.

"I have one more present for you," he said, nervously. Cooper's face brightened at that – God, his older brother was such a big kid – and he stopped his music and took the laptop from his lap, crawling down to the end of his bed. Blaine dropped down by his side and extended the envelope to his brother, careful to do it upside down so that he couldn't see the handwriting. Cooper frowned at him, smile dimming in confusion.

"Okay…" he said, looking perplexed as to why Blaine would put his gift in a large brown envelope, and peeled it open. Blaine held his breath as a Cooper reached inside, frown in place, and pulled out the contents. He saw his brother's face freeze as the pictures spilled into his lap and he understood what they were. "_Blaine_…" he said in a tone of voice that was somewhere between a hoarse whisper and a hiss. Blaine exhaled, biting his upper lip, and watched his brother stare down at the photographs. "What. The. _Fuck_?" Blaine winced at Cooper's overly controlled tone of voice and dug around in his mind for his pre-prepared speech.

"It's your kid," he said, unnecessarily, and he knew that if Cooper was in any other mind-set then the one he was in now he would have pointed that out. "I just- what you said to me, Coop, it…it doesn't have to be that way." Cooper's hands clenched into fists. His knuckles went white. Blaine knew that he was seriously pissed. "When I went to David's I saw…there _are_ happy families out there, Coop, and if you're not there then that kid is going to grow up _hating_ you." He stared at the back of his brother's head with a pleading expression.

"So what?" snapped Cooper, breathing heavily and in a forced manner. "It's better than realising the guy you idolised is a dick." Blaine blinked once, accepting that Cooper had a point, but more ready to fight him now.

"Coop, that's _dad_, you're…_you_. I know that I was pissed off with you for being an arsehole when we were younger, but you regret that…You don't have to be a bastard." It sounded stupid coming from his mouth, but why couldn't Cooper see that just because dad had revealed his true colours when they got older it didn't mean the same would happen with Cooper? Cooper had _admitted_ that he was wrong. Cooper _knew_ that he wasn't perfect. That made him so much better than their dad.

"All children end up hating their parents, Blaine, and do you really think that mum and dad are happy about the fact that we hate them and they hate us?" He rounded on Blaine with angry eyes, sending the pictures flying across the floor as Blaine's mind ground to a halt because he hadn't been expecting that. "We know how it feels to look at someone and only see their imperfections and the fact that they don't love you when they should! I have already have that shit to deal with! I don't want that _twice_, Blaine! I don't want to have that relationship with my dad, and my mum, _and_ my kid!" Blaine blinked once and sighed exasperatedly.

"Who says you have to?" he demanded. "Who says that your relationship with your kid has to crash and burn?"

"Because _I don't want them_!" roared Cooper, leaping from the bed. Blaine retracted from him, eyes flying wide open in terrified shock because he had never seen Cooper explode like that at him. "And one day they'll find out, and they won't give a _shit_ that I stuck around for them. Children are goddamn – _fucking_ – idiots, and they'll just focus on how everything sucks for them and the whole world hates them, and I know that for a _fact_, Blaine, because _I_ am that kid!" Blaine swallowed, feeling tearful because this was going so wrong, and he hated the way that his brother's warped perspective on family made so much sense given the context of their childhoods.

"Cooper," he said, getting to his feet and looking at his older brother with stern eyes. "you told me in the car that children are leeches, that they take what they want and then leave, but that's not what they want, alright?" Cooper frowned at him, taken aback. "_I_ am that kid, Coop. _I'm_ the one that's making mum and dad pay for private school, and _I'm_ the one that's never coming back, but I don't want that. I _want_ to come back every holiday. I _want_ to want to be here, but I can't, Coop. I can't because dad doesn't accept me, and mum's too scared to do it openly, and I _know_ that there are people out there that _can_ accept me so why should I stay somewhere that I'm miserable and unloved?" he shrugged, tears in his eyes, and bent down to pick up one of the pictures of the small baby. "Cooper, the world is designed to screw you over, and you only ever get one shot at things…you just don't know until it's too late, and once you start down a path you're too frightened to turn back and admit you should have gone left not right…Don't make a decision that you'll regret. Don't be the father that they pretend doesn't exist. And _don't_ not do things because you're afraid of being hurt because you're just going to hurt yourself anyway, and it's better to do it over something worthwhile like _that_-" he brandished the picture in his face. "-than because you're a coward." Cooper bristled at the words, and Blaine stared at his older brother through the mist that was the tears in his eyes.

"Blaine," said Cooper, softly, after a long pause had hung between them. "are you _projecting_ on me?" Blaine stared at his brother for a second before scowling and pulling a face because Cooper was _not_ turning this into a conversation about him.

"Maybe," he snapped, blinking away the tears. "but Cooper listen; does that look like a leech to you? Honestly? You can have a say whether he grows up into a leech or a…" Blaine screwed up his face, trying to think of a good analogy. "Fuck…" he muttered when he realised that his mind had met a dead end. Cooper snorted, sniffing slightly, and Blaine smiled because he'd gotten through to him.

"Blaine, I don't- I just- what if- this is going to fuck with our careers! I might not get another chance." Blaine stared at his older brother with condemning eyes.

"Coop, you might not get another shot at _that_ either. Are you seriously telling me that you care more about your career than a _person_?" Cooper sighed through his nose and took the picture from Blaine, pulling a face as he stared down at it. Then he shook his head, raking a hand through his hair, and looked around the room.

"I- Blaine, we both know that I'm not cut out for this. I mean, I treated you like shit when you were little!" Blaine rolled his eyes because now his brother was just making pathetic excuses.

"Coop, I _adored_ you when I was little, and as long as you don't constantly bring them down then so will they! You were the _epitome_ of _cool_ for me! You were everything that I have ever wanted to be." Cooper huffed and flopped down onto the bed, but Blaine was glad because the silence meant that he had gotten through to him and had given him some serious food for thought. Blaine sat down next to him. "I know that this has to be your choice, Coop, and I want you to know that if you say no now then I'll never mention this again, but…you have the chance to make all the shit that dad put on us mean something." Cooper's head rotated to him, looking up at him curiously. Blaine sighed. "You know exactly what it means to be a shit father, and brother, and so you can avoid that…Turn it all around, and you could be the best dad in the entire world." Cooper sighed and put a hand over his eyes.

"Blaine, are you sure that you're okay?" he asked, eventually, and Blaine swallowed. He guessed that he had probably said too much about how he felt to do with Kurt and Eli in his impassioned speech.

"Yeah," he said, giving his brother a fake smile that he was glad that he couldn't see because Cooper would see through it in a second. "I'm fine." There was a pause before Cooper removed his hand and stared up at Blaine.

"Blaine," he said in a steady voice. "I know that we're not close, but I am your older brother; I'm here to help you and protect you and love you, and let's face it, I've got a lot to make up for." Blaine felt tears well in his eyes, and he hastily covered his own eyes. "You can tell me anything," whispered Cooper, knowing that there was no need to raise his voice to get Blaine to hear him. Blaine swallowed, wiping away the tears and sniffing, and looked down at Cooper. A pair of honest eyes stared back, and in that second Blaine wanted to break down and pour his heart and soul into his big brother and trust him to catch him as he fell.

But he didn't. One day, maybe, when Cooper had so much less on his mind, Blaine would tell him, but not today. Cooper had enough on his mind without Blaine's problems, and there was nothing that Cooper could offer him that Blaine didn't already have in the form of the Dalton boys.

"I know," he whispered thickly, feeling something twist inside of him at yet another lie. He knew that one day it would all catch up with him; all the lies that he'd told and the truths that he had hidden from so many of the people that he cared about, but not today. Today wasn't about it him, it was about his big brother and their family, not the mess Blaine had made. Cooper gave him the smallest smile and ran a hand over his face.

"Good," he muttered, blinking heavily. "I guess…I'm going to go to bed…I get the feeling that I need a nice long sleep." Blaine gave his brother a small smile because he had to agree that their conversation had been emotionally draining. He nodded and got to his feet, walking over to the door.

"Night Cooper," he said as he rested his hand against the door, looking over at his tall brother sprawled on the bed. Cooper gave him a weak smile, raising a hand to wave at him half-heartedly.

"Night little bro," came the quiet reply, and Blaine slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him. He walked silently into his room, shutting his door fully, and flopped face down onto his bed. He felt really tired after that conversation, and he had no idea how it had really gone. He pulled out his phone, peeling his face from the covers, and looked at all the messages that he'd got. He grinned at most of the ones from his friends, flicking through them, but stopped when he saw that there was one from Finn. He opened it tentatively.

_Hey Blaine, just want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I got the message for Burt and passed it on. He and Kurt wish you Merry Christmas. I know you're stuck with your family until term starts and you don't get on. Figured I'd tell you again that I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. See you whenever mate.-Finn_

Blaine swallowed, rereading the part about Kurt over and over again with a thumping heart because that couldn't be true? Or was it? No, Kurt hated him. He was glad that they'd broken up because it had gotten him into NYADA. He guessed that Burt had probably just said that for both of them – Kurt would never have meant it – in an attempt to get Blaine to talk to Kurt. Or, even more likely, just to be polite. People were always like that. Blaine did it himself all the time.

He sent back quick replies to his friends with lots of smiley faces that he didn't feel at all, but he wasn't about to ruin all their days after they'd had such good ones – well, Sebastian didn't seem to have had that good a day, but Blaine knew that Sebastian didn't get on with his parents, or something – because he could talk to them about it when they were back at Dalton if he wanted to (which he didn't, but that wasn't the point).

He rubbed a hand over his eyes and flipped over onto his back, allowing his eyelids to flicker shut because he was so tired. Christmas day had been as taxing as he'd thought, but he was glad that he had convinced his parents that he was completely fine. He had been worried that his cracks would show even more prominently at home and, whilst they had become more defined in his heated conversation with Cooper, his parents had remained blissfully ignorant. He didn't really want to think of what his dad would say to him if he found out. He'd probably tell Blaine that he got what he deserved for being gay. It made him sick to think about it.

He shook his head, violently, because his dad would be wrong to say that, and if he ever did, by some horrible twist of fate, find out then Blaine knew exactly what he needed to do. He would run away from his dad, and he would go somewhere safe, and he would call his friends – Wes, or David, or Thad, or Sebastian – and he would talk to them until he wasn't alone where he could finally break down and know he was safe. Or he could call Kurt and beg him to save him, but…no, he couldn't inflict that on Kurt. Kurt wouldn't know what to do or say, and it wouldn't be fair just to fling all that onto Kurt because he needed help; that would be even more selfish than all of the many other selfish things that Blaine had already done.

He groaned exaggeratedly and crawled up his bed, peeling back the covers and slipping under them, not caring that he was still fully dressed because he just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. He snuggled down against his pillow, imagining the steady breathing of David like he'd done every night since Cooper had told him what was wrong because it helped him calm down and trick his tired mind into believing that he was safe at Dalton, and exhaled heavily.

He didn't know what the consequences of his conversation with Cooper would be, but he was glad that he'd had it. He hoped that, whatever his brother did, that baby had the best life an Anderson could have.


	25. Chapter 25

**_Dear reader, _**

**_Ha ha! I updated today! I really need to make myself writing deadlines more often because then I actually write stuff even when I'm putting it off! Thanks for all of you that are continuing to support my story, and thanks for those of you who wished me a happy birthday; it's nice to know people read my author notes after all and that I'm not simply waffling to empty cyberspace (which I probably would do regardless of whether people were paying attention because I feel like it)! So this is the penultimate chapter before I go off on my exam break (yay!), and it's a pretty good place to leave Kurt until sometime in the middle of June because it's sort of the end before he goes to NYADA, which will start some form of new arc that I haven't yet thought of but will do at some point, but that's kind of jumping the gun...a lot._**

**_To Chrisch; glad that you understand Blaine, and randomly something that I think I've been meaning to mention - generally, when you use the question mark in brackets: (?), after a word you tend to use it correctly...just felt like putting that out there. And don't worry, writing is a welcome distraction from work...I think it's impossible for it to stress me out: it's literally my coping mechanism for life!_**

**_Enjoy the chapter!_**

**_Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Hope Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'..." _― Alfred Tennyson

* * *

Kurt's phone vibrated sometime in the mid-afternoon of Christmas day. After their late night out at the skate rink, he and his dad had gotten up late, exchanged their presents and gone about their traditions as normal, studiously ignoring the topic of Blaine. Now the game was on, and his dad was absorbed by the action whilst Kurt was more taken by the latest edition of _Vogue_ in his lap.

Looking at the screen of his phone, it told him that Finn was calling. He broke out into a small smile at that and answered, raising the mobile to his ear just in time to have his ear drums assaulted by Finn's overenthusiastic Christmas greetings.

"_Hey Kurt! Merry Christmas! Thanks for your gifts, man! They were totally what I, like, wanted!"_ Kurt winced, closing his eyes and not opening them until Finn had stopped babbling loudly and largely incoherently.

"Hey Finn, Merry Christmas to you too. Thanks for your present, though I have to ask: why do I get the feeling you _didn't_ pick that yourself?" Burt, who had turned to look at Kurt slightly when he'd heard it was Finn, turned back to the TV screen with a grin on his face. Finn laughed loudly.

"_Yeah, um, about that…I kind of got mum to do it 'cause, you know, it's kind of- it's your first Christmas out of Lima in __**New York**__…kind of wanted to get something that was…__**right**__, you know?"_ Kurt let out a small chuckle of his own, easy smile staying on his face.

"Yes, I do. I suppose that now that I know you put a lot of thought, and _common sense_, into it it's like I've got an extra present." Burt snorted loudly at that, raising a hand to cover his mouth as he laughed, and Kurt rolled his eyes at his dad and turned his attention to Finn's self-deprecating chuckles.

"_Right…thanks, Kurt, I think…Was that your dad?"_

"Yep," he said and put the phone on speaker before Finn could even ask. He held out the phone in the direction of dad. "but don't you dare start a conversation about sport; I _will_ hang up." He watched his dad roll his eyes and turn down the sound on the TV as he turned to the phone.

"Hey Finn, Merry Christmas, kid."

"_Merry Christmas, Burt,"_ said Finn, cheerfully. _"um, there was a message for Blaine on the answer phone for you."_ Kurt felt himself stiffen, hands clenching themselves into fists involuntarily, and he didn't blame Finn one bit for his hesitant tone of voice. Kurt felt his dad cast him a critical look once before redirecting his gaze back onto the phone and talking to Finn;

"Yeah, there was? What did he say?"

"_Um, he said that he was really sorry, but that it was still impossible for him to come to New York. He said he was sorry that you wasted money on the ticket and that he would pay you back, or something like that. He also wished you merry Christmas…__**both**__ of you."_

There was an awkward pause after Finn stopped talking in which Kurt felt his face twist slightly. He didn't know why, but he felt like that meant something big, but he couldn't say what. He couldn't focus on the fact that he wanted Blaine to have come. He couldn't think about the way that Finn's words made it sound like Blaine wanted to come too. He didn't want to acknowledge Blaine's good manners and politeness. He wasn't going anywhere _near_ the tidal greetings. That didn't really leave him much to focus on except…it hadn't been impossible to go to David's. It hadn't been impossible to meet up with Sebastian. Oh, good, he still had the safety of hating Blaine, and the option of being viciously vindictive towards him and Sebastian inside his mind.

"Right," said Burt, after staring at Kurt and then realising that Kurt had no words at the moment. "well, um, you know, wish him Merry Christmas from us, I suppose." Kurt watched his dad's eyes flicker back to him to check his reaction to those words, but Kurt was indifferent. They hadn't come from his mouth, and they didn't pretend to be anything they weren't. They were simple seasonal greetings that Kurt would give to anyone at this time of year, even Sebastian. Besides, he got the feeling that Blaine, when Finn inevitably passed on the message, would know that those words had passed out of Burt's mouth not his. Blaine was no idiot, and Kurt half hated him for that.

"_Um, well, I'll do that…err, have a good rest of day. Oh, mum says Merry Christmas, and she'll probably call you later, Burt."_

"Okay," said Burt, nodding at the phone. "you have a- oh, did you see that!" Burt's gaze was diverted onto the TV screen as something happened in the game that he caught out of the corner of his eye, and the silent crowds roared in delight.

"_No!"_ yelped Finn, and Kurt could hear him scrambling around and searching for the remote that would let the TV scream at him. _"What happened?"_ Kurt rolled his eyes as Burt reached for their TV remote.

"I'm not sure, but I think they just scored an amazing goal! I just saw it out of the corner of my eye! Wait a second!" Kurt rolled his eyes and hung up on Finn, picking up his copy of _Vogue_ and flipping back to his previous page. Burt blinked at him, shocked as to why his and Finn's fan-girling over the way someone had gained points had been cut off. Kurt rolled his eyes once more.

"If you want to get excited over sport you can do it whilst racking up your own phone bill!" Kurt glanced up from the glossy pages of his magazine to see his dad roll his eyes and mutter something about "_smart-arsed kids_" before pulling out his own phone and cranking up the volume, just to press home the point that he was technically in charge. Kurt sent his eyes towards the ceiling because it was _his_ home, but didn't argue as he turned back to the world of fashion.

His mind didn't stay fixed on the clothes for long though because, not only were Burt and Finn very vocal about sport, he had Blaine to think about. Well, he always had Blaine to think about, but he had more to think about than normal in regards to Blaine and that was really saying something. He was most fixated with the- the _impersonal_ nature of Blaine's message. Once they'd gotten past the whole you're-dating-my-son-I'll-kill-you-if-you-hurt-him -therefore-you're-petrified-of-me thing, Blaine had always gotten along really well with his dad, and Kurt would have expected him to say something _more_.

Then again, he couldn't quite imagine what it must be like for the father of the boy you broke up with to come and demand the truth from you and test your honesty. Those levels of awkwardness had to go off the scale, and _then_ for said father to send you a plane ticket and expect you to fly somewhere when you couldn't – or maybe didn't want to – and then not answer the phone when you tried to explain…That had to be a strange message to leave.

He hated how Blaine's actions made no sense at all with the person that Kurt thought he was whilst fitting that person perfectly at the same time. He couldn't be both, but he was. Kurt _really_ hated that.

The TV going silent made him look back up. He glanced over at his dad and saw that he was looking at him through narrowed eyes. He blinked, arching an eyebrow in confusion, not sure why his dad was staring at him in that intense manner. Then he kicked himself because it was obvious why his dad was staring at him, there could only be one reason for the stares: Blaine. He sighed and looked at his hands before giving his dad a small smile.

"A couple of days before Christmas, I walked into Wes," he said, not really sure why he was telling his dad this, but he reckoned that he'd feel better if he got it off his chest. "and we were talking, and, basically, I found out that the other person involved was Thad and given that it was one of the things that factored into his suicide, I got worried for Blaine's safety, and I…" he trailed off, glancing over at his dad. His dad's face was tight and tense, and Kurt knew that the same concern for Blaine that had engulfed him was beginning to eat away at his dad too. "I asked Wes, or at least I _tried_ to; I could barely _speak_, and Wes said that- that David and _Sebastian _had made sure he was safe, and that he hadn't self-harmed or considered committing suicide because…" he choked up, struggling to speak. "Dad, _I_ was the reason he didn't. He said that Blaine knew I'd blame myself for it – and I know I would too – and he didn't want to hurt me like that…"

He felt himself tear up at that because the thoughts that he hadn't quite allowed himself to think last time were overwhelming him now. The sudden realisation of just how _serious_ this was; how much it had damaged both people that it had happened to; how it likely _wasn't_ Blaine's fault, was threatening to drag him down into the depths of despair over this situation. It was terrible and awful and _toxic_, but Blaine didn't want Kurt's help. He could understand, sort of, why Blaine would have gone back to the Warblers – to Dalton – after discovering it was Thad because they understood, but why wouldn't he let Kurt in? It was _that_ pain; how deliberate all of what Blaine was doing was, that made him want to break down and cry because, whilst whatever had happened had inflicted itself onto Blaine, Blaine had still chosen to throw Kurt out of his life and keep him away.

"Kurt," said his dad, moving along the sofa so that he could wrap an arm around his shoulders and squeeze him tightly to let him know that he was safe. "listen to me; I might think that you should talk to Blaine again, but that doesn't mean this is your fault. Something happened to those kids, but that wasn't your fault, and if Blaine choses to shut you out, then that's not your fault either. I may think you should keep persevering, and sure as hell am I not convinced that he's dating Sebastian, but you have done _everything_ anybody could ask of you. You went looking for answers, Kurt, answers that he didn't give you for numerous reasons, and that might not seem like it's enough, but, in the end of the day, you _tried_. You could have just thrown that kid out of your apartment when he turned up and started poking around in this mess, but you didn't. You went through the wringer – heck, you're still in – because you _care_; you _still_ care, and no one can ever bring you down for that. You are the best of the best, Kurt, because you _care_."

Kurt sucked in a deep breath through his nose, feeling the tears prick and sting in his eyes but, gratifyingly, not fall, and leant closer to his dad. His dad's words, like so often, had left him feeling heartened and stronger. His dad was right, and Kurt might feel guilty about snubbing Blaine now that he knew what Blaine had been through was enough to push someone over the edge – he reckoned that information had taken a while to really, fully sink in – but Blaine had snubbed Kurt in return. Fate may have intervened at the hospital in the form of Thad's suicide – in hindsight, Kurt now knew that staying would have been a better option because he might have found something more out – but Kurt had given Blaine plenty of other opportunities to tell him the truth, and Blaine hadn't taken any of them. Kurt just hated the fact that Blaine would live in order to stop Kurt suffering, but then wouldn't relieve Kurt of the suffering he was causing through the way he was living.

"Dad," he said, drawing back slightly and narrowing his eyes at his father. Burt's head cocked slightly, clearly understanding that there was about to be a subject change. "does Finn know about the cancer?" There was a slight pause after that, and Kurt waited with a mild frown because he got the impression that Finn didn't because of his cheerful tone of voice, and Kurt was a little confused as to why Burt wouldn't have told him because Carole would undoubtedly know and Finn _lived_ with them.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "Carole and you are the only ones that know, well aside from the doctors." Kurt frowned some more, silently asking why, and Burt heaved a sigh. "Well, first off, I wanted to tell you straight away, but it didn't seem right to do it on the phone so I told Carole – you gotta tell someone right after you get the news 'cause otherwise you feel you're gonna burst – but then…" he trailed off, staring right at Kurt, and Kurt understood.

His dad had wanted _him_ to be the first person that knew about it because Kurt was his son, and the Hummel-Hudsons might be a family, but, again, Kurt came first so Burt had postponed telling Finn until he had come out to New York and told Kurt himself. Kurt felt pointlessly glad at that because the news was terrible, but Kurt was still pleased that his dad wanted to go to him first over other people.

"That, and, well, it's Christmas. I didn't want to ruin _your_ Christmas, but I had to tell you, and you'd murder me if you found out later, but…It wasn't strictly necessary to ruin Finn's, and he's been moping around since Sectionals, and Blaine, and everything…Seemed to finally have some cheer, didn't want to take that away." Burt shrugged, and Kurt nodded, leaning back into the sofa and letting his eyes flicker shut a little bit. He hated thinking about his dad and everything that he could lose, but hearing him talk like that – to have him still being so _him_ – gave Kurt the comfort of knowing that every day up until his dad was inevitably snatched from him, he would still have _his_ dad.

* * *

Kurt and his dad's few days together in New York fell into an easy sort of routine after Christmas day. They would get up some time mid-afternoon, more often than not dragging blankets along with them to shield themselves from the cold as they searched for coffee. They'd eat a scavenged brunch from the assorted food that Kurt and Rachel had in their cupboards, and then take a shower for as long as they could with the water still being warm before dressing in as many layers as possible and dropping back down onto the sofas to wait for whichever was dragging behind.

Then they would brace the icy cold outside and the snow and bitter wind in order to see the sights of New York. At first, Kurt had been rather against his dad going out into the cold, especially as he refused to swap his baseball caps for a woolly hat which would leave his head exposed, because that couldn't be good for his health – it weakened the immune system or whatever – but his dad had refused to be mollycoddled by Kurt, and, after they'd actually gone out and about, Kurt had to secretly admit that it was probably worth it. Naturally, he couldn't tell his dad that because that would mean admitting that he was wrong to worry about his dad's health as much as he did, but he did let his dad know that he enjoyed their afternoon walks around in the city in which Kurt acted as his dad's tour guide around the bustling, iconic city.

When they made it back to the apartment, noses numb and bright pink, Kurt would make hot chocolate and fuss over his dad, making sure that he was warm and dry and whatever else he could find to check about his dad, and his dad would point out, every other minute, that _he_ was the parent, not Kurt. They'd be somewhere between bickering and laughing, and his dad would make some comment about how much he was like his mum that would fill Kurt with pleasure and make him smile, even though they were busy watching crap on TV. They'd stay up watching whatever Christmas specials, reruns and films they could agree on until his dad would complain about being too old to stay up late, and Kurt would snort and tease him before they said their goodnights and crashed into bed, eager for the next day.

* * *

"So, New Year's eve," commented his dad. Kurt arched an eyebrow, looking at his dad with a mildly condescending expression that asked him whether he thought that that was news to Kurt. His dad rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "God, a guy can't make conversation this days, can he? It's all got to mean something!" Kurt simply arched his eyebrow further at that.

"Dad, I could be mistaken, but I think it's _me_ that's slightly more adept with small talk than you…unless it's sports because then you can blabber on for hours."

"Hey!" exclaimed Burt, pointing a finger at Kurt that proclaimed him a hypocrite. "I could say the same to you about fashion and music and TV shows and gossip and celebrities!" Kurt rolled his eyes and walked over with the two mugs of coffee in his hands, handing one to his dad before he sat down by his side on the sofa.

"So, was that conversation actually meant to be going somewhere, or was it a simple observation?" His dad shook his head, probably thinking something about "_the youth of today_", and then looked back at Kurt.

"Well, I was thinking; this is your first Christmas in New York, and I don't know I might not be up here for Christmas with you next year 'cause, well, you won't want your dad rattling around whilst you're trying to party with your college friends." Kurt shot him a condescending look that asked him whether he really thought that that would be the case; his dad ought to know that their relationship was far superior to any kind of friendship. His dad rolled his eyes. "Whatever, the point is, I figured we should do something special, something we'll both remember, so…Times Square?" Kurt felt something inside of him perk up at that, eyes widening in excitement.

"Yes!" he exclaimed, leaping off the sofa in a manner that was far livelier than on previous occasions. His dad grinned at him and moved over to the door as he picked up his jacket and slipped it on. Kurt took that as his cue to dash around and collect his own jacket, scarf and gloves. He gave his dad a look that told him he needed to wrap up warm too. His dad rolled his eyes and pulled on his cap and a pair of gloves.

The two of them set off immediately, walking out into the dark, bustling and bitterly cold streets. Still it was definitely worth it to experience the buzz of New York City all a-glow on New Year's Eve, only a few hours before resolutions would be made, leaves turned over and an open new year was laid before them, fresh to be written on with all the exciting memories and moments that were teetering on the verge of happening. Kurt, because – of course – he _was_ a romantic, felt almost felt like it was possible for everything turn around on this magical night. Like dreams and wishes would actually come true on the stroke of midnight instead of being undone.

The journey melted away as he stayed absorbed in his thoughts and his dad let him remain there until they reached the packed Times Square where everyone was craning their necks to look up at the giant sparkling crystal atop the towering skyscraper. His dad put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer so that they didn't get separated by the crowds as they made their way through the tiny pockets of space between padded shoulders and pointed elbows.

"So," said his dad when they were firmly settled somewhere in the middle of the masses of people. "got any New Year's resolutions?" Kurt shrugged, unwilling to reveal what had initially popped into his mind.

"Maybe, what about you?" his dad narrowed his eyes slightly, telling him that he knew full well there was something Kurt was hiding from him and that it would be followed up on the moment he'd spoken.

"Um, only one really," he said, looking down at Kurt. "to continue to be the absolute best I can for you and that we _will_ be having this conversation next year, no matter what." His dad stared at him seriously, and Kurt bit down all of the cynicism inside of him that said that his dad had no control over ninety per cent of what life threw at them and smiled back at him instead.

"Yeah…well…" he sighed, looking around the crowds with a tight-lipped smile on his face. "I've got one, but I don't think you're going to like it." His dad cocked his head, eyebrows quirking, clearly intrigued.

"Oh?" he questioned. "What is it? You're not resolving to return to Lima and not fulfil any of your potential and happiness because of a couple of insignificant experiences?" Kurt snorted, shaking his head as he looked up at his dad in bemused confusion. His dad shrugged. "What? That would be a terrible resolution, and I would definitely not like it if that was the case." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"_No_," he said, shaking his head in a withering manner. "unsurprisingly that is _not_ my New Year's resolution…" There was an expectant pause in which his dad stared at him, waiting for the real one. He sighed, heavily. "_Fine_, my New Year's resolution is to get over Blaine and the situation once for all and put it behind me forever, happy?" There was a moment of silence in which his dad stared at him, eyes boring intensely into his.

"Well, you have a point, I think I disagree with the fundamentals, but…" he shrugged. "said it once and I'll say it again; if that's your final decision, and if it's really what you think will make you happy, then fine. It's all fine." Kurt smiled up at him, body relaxing. "I just have one question." Kurt rolled his eyes, but didn't tense back up. "What are the chances that Blaine auditions for NYADA?" Kurt felt his face fall, having not thought of that before. He shrugged and rolled his eyes.

"High, I guess…we talked about it, _a lot_, before…you know, when we were back in high school, and _together_, we talked about what we'd do there, but…" he shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't exactly had a good opportunity to question him on the life choices that he hasn't made yet, the ones he's making now are quiet enough trouble on their own."

"So, say he comes, and he wants to be your friend, he hangs out with Rachel…what do you do? I mean, what you even want him there?" Kurt shrugged because this was not something that he'd previously thought about.

"I don't know," he said, honestly, tucking his hands into his pockets as he shrugged. "I- I can't stop him applying for NYADA, or coming, or being friends with Rachel…I guess…I mean, it'll have been a while since all of this, and maybe…maybe things'll be different, I don't know. It's this kind of thing that I'm trying to put behind me, dad. It's this kind of speculation – where will we be in a year's time? Will he have told me the truth? Will he still be with Sebastian? Will he even be _recognisable_? – that I'm trying to put behind me." He shrugged once more. "I guess, if that future comes – and it _is_ an if, what with his dad interfering and all, and just _everything_ – than I'll just have to cross that bridge when it appears in front of me…Right now, though, I've got some bigger obstacles in my way." His dad nodded, looking away. Kurt narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"Nothing," said his dad, holding up his hands. "Nothing…that's just a really sensible approach. That's all." Kurt arched his eyebrow at his dad, telling him that was a rubbish response, but his dad simply smiled and pulled out a camera. "Now, I know that new-fangled phone of yours does everything, but what say we make some pictures for posterity the old fashioned, Hummel way?" Kurt laughed, smiling up at his dad.

"I think I'd like that, dad. I'd like that a lot."

They spent much of the rest of their time taking pictures of in the busy, glittering square, and occasionally acting as photographers for numerous other celebrants in the square that had decided that a father and son combination were less likely to be thieves. Kurt had to admit that it amused him the way people eagerly proffer their expensive smartphone or their huge digital SLR with a lens that was excessively long for taking holiday snaps, and vaguely wondered whether it was the stylish outfit, or something else, that made him look completely unthreatening.

During the rendition of _Imagine_, which reminded him fondly of those days in the New Directions before he'd met Blaine and the bullying had descended into something truly terrifying when they'd been hopelessly naïve, hopelessly in love, hopelessly useless at life and just hopelessly _hopeful_, and he linked arms with his dad and sang, suppressing his laughter as his dad, tunelessly, joined in. It was terrible singing, but the world couldn't be filled with amazingly talented singers otherwise Kurt wouldn't really be anything special at all. Also he _imagined_ every good day, every bad day, every day of joy, every day of heartache, every day of laughter, every day of annoyance, every day of giddiness, every day of jealousy and perfection and fear and relief and hate and _love_ fade from its vivid freshness into weathered discolouration. It was still there – he couldn't deny it had all happened – but maybe if he looked at it like that; imagined it all as a canvas of his life that he'd already painted, then maybe he could start again on something new. He could imagine the New Year as pure, white, empty blankness waiting for him to fill it with his life, without the distinct colour that was Blaine Anderson.

"Alright?" he blinked up at his dad, becoming aware that his eyes were misty. He sniffed and nodded, shooting his dad a reassuring smile as the ball began to drop.

_Ten. _

A whole new world, he promised himself under the diamond sky that was soon to explode into bright colour.

_Nine. _

He would stumble, fall and probably fail, but he had to try just one more time to let himself let go.

_Eight. _

Still, next year he began NYADA, and, seeing as Vogue had swept him away from Blaine with its work, it'd probably have that same effect.

_Seven._

He could feel the optimism that was being generated around him by an event that really ought not to be something special; it came every 365 days after all.

_Six. _

But it had that affect whether or not his mind said that this was kind of a waste of time because tomorrow was just another day.

_Five. _

Except he could feel that anticipation building up inside of him uncontrollably and completely unstoppably.

_Four. _

He believed, however stupidly, that if the clock just struck midnight everything would change because it was a new year, and that meant… _newness_.

_Three. _

He knew he'd almost certainly be disappointed by what next year had to offer, but he doubted it could be worse than the last couple of months.

_Two. _

Well, unless anything happened to the people that he loved…his _dad_, but…

_One._

The sky exploded into a shimmering mesh of stars before he could finish his depressing train of thought.

"Happy New Year, kiddo," said his dad, kissing him on the top of the head in a manner that he hadn't done since Kurt was a little kid. He smiled at that. Not so much newness after all.

* * *

Kurt looked at his dad, drinking in the sight of him as they stood in the lobby of the airport, about to say their goodbyes once more. Kurt assessed his dad again, that familiar worry and fear beginning to gnaw at him once more because now his dad would be out of his constant supervision, and frequent phone calls, he knew, would not be enough quench his insatiable concern for his father and desire to make him better in some way.

"You will call me," he said, finally breaking the silence. "After doctor's appointments, or whatever. You can't keep me in the dark, even if you think it's for my own good." He glared at his dad after that, silently communicating his hate of that tactic, and his dad snorted slightly, shaking his head and rolling his eyes in a manner that told Kurt he was a fool for needing to voice any of those things.

"Look, Kurt, we've been over this and over this. I _will_ tell you if something happens, you know that, but you should also know that I am not leaving you. I'm not done being your father yet; we've only just got started." Kurt clenched his jaw, trying to stop his fear from escaping as anger because he hated the almost naïve way that his dad talked about this – like _he_ had any control over it – when he ought to know better than anybody that he didn't.

"And mum was done being my mother, was she?" he snapped out instead, sending his dad and icy glare that told him there was no point making promises that could only be shattered even if the sentiment was well-meaning. His dad stiffened, and a tense silence hung over them in which Kurt acknowledged he had probably crossed a line with what he'd said. "I'm sorry," he muttered, looking away in shame.

"No," said Burt, reaching forward to clap a strong hand onto his shoulders. "it's okay. I get it; you don't think that I'm scared?" Kurt looked at his dad, silently telling him that he still clung to the childish belief that his dad was invincible and free of such things as fear. "I am because I know when that- that when _that_ comes for you, you can't fight it forever. It will take you, but not now, okay? This is _curable_. I know that you don't, you know, believe in a lot of things, and you have good reasons for that, but you have to trust me and my decisions. The doctors can fix this. They can't fix everything, we learnt that the hard way you and me, but they can fix this." Kurt nodded, biting down on the inside of his lip in preparation to speak, but his dad wasn't done. "And I get your fear, alright? I _do._ You know, after me, Blaine was probably the most reliable, closest person to you in your life, and he hit something bad and ran away, but I will _never_ – do you understand me? – _ever_ leave you by choice." Kurt stared into his dad's eyes, pretty much unable to speak such was the overwhelmingly comforting aura he was emitting as he spoke and there was no way to disagree with those words, nor any grounds that he wanted to disagree on. "Like I said, you and me have only just got started, and there so many things that I want to see and do with you because, selfish as it is, I want to be the only dad you ever have." Kurt smiled widely at that.

"That's not selfish dad, it's natural. Besides, you're the only dad I'll ever want." His dad gave him a broader smile and pulled him into his crushing his embrace. Kurt closed his eyes for a second, squeezing his dad tightly and holding for as long and hard as he could before his dad stepped back.

"Okay, well I better head off, and I'll call when I get back, and I wanna hear all about NYADA and all the brilliant…_things_ that you're doing there when it comes round." Kurt nodded, taking a step away from his dad, the smile fading a little at the necessary distance between them.

"Yeah, of course, and don't think that I won't be onto Carole about your diet and exercise. Just because I'm not there in person doesn't mean that I can't nag you." Burt snorted at the severe look on his face. Kurt notched up the glare, and his dad held up his hands.

"Don't worry, I am fully aware of that." Kurt was given a fond smile. "You really are so much like your mother." Kurt beamed wider at that. His dad looked around and checked the time. "Well, I better go…um, don't wanna miss that flight." Kurt nodded, standing back and biting his lip for no real reason.

"Yeah," he raised his hand in a final farewell, which was an action his dad automatically copied. There was a mildly awkward pause, both of them wanting to say something more but not knowing what. Eventually, his dad turned around and walked away, but Kurt knew that whatever had not been said between them was of no importance – it wasn't like the things left unsaid between him and Blaine; it was just the things that couldn't be articulated by anyone.

He watched with a smile as his father walked away from him, eventually vanishing from view in the hustle and bustle of the airport. He was left with a strong feeling of comfort, though. His dad may have brought terrible news during his visit, but he had more importantly brought reassurance, support and hope. He felt so much better about NYADA, and he couldn't wait to make new friends and leap onto the stepping stones that would lead him to his dreams. He would finally be able to move on from everything that had gone wrong. Maybe this time his plans of better things would work out for once as well. Now that would be a good day indeed.


	26. Chapter 26

_**Dear readers, **_

_**So, because it's kind of late and brain is very tired, I'm going to keep this short: thanks to everyone whose read, reviewed...actually, you know how that part goes; it's just a huge thank you. My exams start next week so I'm going to be on a writing hiatus until they're over, which just makes the prospect of exams seem even worse because I'm pretty sure that I can't survive without writing for so long! Ah well, it'll be an interesting, scientific experiment. **_

_**To anyone else taking public examinations or whatever, I wish you the very best of luck in that, and I hope you all achieve what you're aiming for! Enjoy the chapter!**_

_**Sopphires.**_

* * *

_"Being his real brother I could feel I live in his shadows, but I never have and I do not now. I live in his glow."_ ― Michael Morpurgo, _Private Peaceful_

* * *

Blaine's phone, radio and alarm clock went off simultaneously at nine o'clock. He groaned and rolled over in his bed, pressing his face into his soft pillow and wondering whether it would be at all possible to fall asleep again and not be murdered by all the members of his family. He decided it probably wasn't worth getting killed over and so reached over and turned off his phone and clock. That just left the radio playing Wham! at medium volume; that job required him to get out of bed. He waited for a couple of minutes until the song had transitioned into pointless chatter, and until no one had burst in to yell at him, and then dragged himself from his warm mound of blankets and stumbled over to the radio and turned it off. He let out an exaggerated groan and slumped against his desk, glad that he had awoken early enough to not be murdered but wishing that he had several hours more to lounge in bed.

For want of anything better to do, he picked up his mobile and saw that David had sent him _even more_ pictures of his family (plus Wes) on Christmas day. It put a smile on his face to see Cassie delightfully tearing up paper with her podgy fists, far more entertained with that then her presents, and Johnny with his arms locked around his dad's neck, and Katy grinning as she proudly displayed all her new toys in their boxes, and Richie wearing a t-shirt with arrows pointing to Wes and David that came from a sign saying "_world's best older brothers_" and absolutely unconcerned by the fact that his older brothers looked nothing like him.

He felt another painful yearning inside of him at that, desperately wishing that he had had that kind of relationship with his older brother, and wondered what Cooper thought about that conversation last night. He wondered whether he would ever get pictures from his _real_ – biological – brother of a happy family Christmas with smiling children. Maybe he would even be there in person to enjoy that. Maybe he would be there with his _own_ children and a-

He cut his train of thought of, throwing the phone onto the bed and kicking at his desk chair. He threw his hands up to his face, pressing the heel of his palms over his eyes and digging his nails into the front of his scalp. He could not allow his mind to wonder in that direction because he knew exactly what lay there; an image of Kurt as his perfect, beautiful husband.

He groaned, running a hand through his messy, curly hair and flopping face down onto the bed, narrowly avoiding smashing his phone screen and causing himself to be murdered for a completely new reason. Why could he not get over Kurt? Kurt _hated_ him because Blaine had severely hurt him (partially on purpose) and that was how their story ended. This was _The End_. _The End_ had already happened! Why was he so stupid? Why was he a completely stupid, brain-dead, headless chicken of a-

"_Blaine_!" he was broken away from his increasingly bizarre insults as he banged his head into the mattress. He could hear something – _someone_, more likely – tapping against his door. Blaine pushed himself up, eyes narrowing because he had been a little bit preoccupied trying to bash his brains in to notice who it was at his door. No one made a move to come in, though, so he rolled his eyes, guessing that it was his mother because she was the only one likely not to barge into his room when he didn't response, and listened to someone creep down the stairs in a manner that suggested his dad was taken with the morning news.

Blaine heaved a huge sigh, trying to keep his mind away from the topic that was attempting to push its way to the forefront, and wondered over to his door. No matter how hard he tried, though, the fact that Kurt was still his ideal everything was something that would not go away. No matter how much effort he put into reminding himself that Kurt was so much better off without him and how he was no longer dragging Kurt down to the depths of his own murky despair, he could not get away from the fact that he was still completely in love with him. _Still_, after everything.

He tread down the stairs, making sure that his footsteps were light, and was mildly glad that he'd decided to crash out fully dressed because that took away the possibility for his dad to yell at him for wandering the house in his pyjamas; another stupid rule initiated by his dad in an attempt to curb his brother's teenage rebellion and then squash Blaine into the constricted mould that was apparently a heterosexual man.

However, that thought flew from his mind when he made it down into the hallway and saw that his brother was setting down his second case in the hall. Blaine frowned at the sight, heart thumping at the prospect of his older brother leaving because he was being no help at all at the moment, but he was still a valuable ally in the war that was silently raging in their household.

Cooper turned around with a grin on his face that was quite different from his normal show grin. Blaine stared at him blankly, not sure what was so great about Cooper standing in the hallway with his two large suitcases and shoulder bag sitting on the floor by his feet, clearly about to depart from the Anderson household and leave him alone to deal with his father's insults and his mother's compulsive need to do something whilst that happened and so sipped on wine.

"What's going on?" he demanded, dropping down off the final step so that his socked feet landed against the entrance and the cold of the tiles penetrated the cotton layer so that he shivered. Cooper ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, beckoning Blaine closer to him. Blaine moved silently down the hallway, half-listening to the sound of the weather man telling them that it was going to – shockingly – remain cold.

"I'm making a spur of the moment decision," said Cooper, and Blaine looked around his brother's luggage and then up at his brother's face, noting the more pronounced paleness and the bags beneath his eyes.

"Not that spur of the moment," he commented, under his breath, and Cooper rolled his eyes, seemingly effortlessly shrugging off Blaine's comment. Blaine bit down onto his bottom lip, turning his attention from the nerves that he was feeling, and tried to understand what that meant. His brother was leaving and presumably returning to LA far earlier than planned after a sleepless night, which implied – did it not? – that he was leaving because of said sleepless night which could have only been caused by their conversation ergo he was returning to go back because _he'd changed his mind_…right?

"Yeah," muttered Cooper, smirking as he tracked Blaine's realisation across his face. Blaine bit down on his bottom lip to repress his squeal, grin spreading over his face as he leapt forward to hug his older brother. Cooper stumbled slightly but patted his back in a reassuring manner.

Blaine could feel his insides reeling, the grin taking over his face now that he was sure he wasn't about to exclaim in delight, and his mind had ground to a halt. He could not believe that his brother had changed his mind. He had not expected what he'd said to have _this_ big of an impact on his brother that quickly. He was excited over that because his mind was whirring into the future like it had only a couple of minutes again and picturing a little boy and/or girl with dark, curly hair and a wide grin that could sing and dance and was beautiful and kind and had _everything_ on an emotional level that he and Cooper had been deprived of. However, he was also curious…_very_ curious.

"Why?" he asked, letting go of his brother and looking up at him in a questioning manner. Cooper shrugged, slotting his hands into his jeans pockets.

"I don't know, Blaine," he said in a rather flat tone of voice. "I guess something that you really said finally got through to me." Cooper looked down at him, pursing his lips. "I suppose, I just understood that you really knew what you were talking about. I- I felt pretty bad for you when you were talking, you know? Figured you were talking from in there-" he reached forward to prod Blaine right where his heart was. Blaine rocked backward onto the heels of his feet as he gave him a small smile. "-and I reckoned that if there was ever time to take your advice now was probably it. After all, got to make all this shit count for something, right? I'm sick and tired of dealing with dad's narrow-minded shit, and the way he's always on his high – fucking – horse because _he's_ a parent and so he knows _so much more_ than us."

Blaine stared up at his older brother, face assuming a neutral expression as he sorted through all of the information that Cooper had thrown at him during that speech. He was feeling pretty proud of himself for finally getting through to Cooper, but he was also put a little bit on edge by how much he had given away to his older brother during their intense heart-to-heart yesterday. He wondered how much of what had happened to him Cooper could infer from their conversation…well, obviously not enough for him to guess what had happened, but Blaine reckoned he should keep his mouth firmly shut about him and Kurt for as long as possible, which probably wouldn't be hard. Also, was it just him or did it sound like Cooper was going back to spite his dad and shove something in his face?

"Okay…" he said, slowly, still gathering his thoughts and trying to work out what he should say that was slightly more profound than that. "but, Coop, what you said about dad and him knowing more than us. I agree with you, I really do, but I- don't do something just because of dad…I mean- don't- don't do this to _spite_ him, okay? That's not a good reason." Cooper shuffled his feet a little bit at that, biting down on the inside of his cheek in thought.

"I don't- I'm not- I don't think that's it, Blaine. I mean; yeah, I want to shove it in his face that I could be a better dad even though, apparently, I've been a shit son, but also…" he sighed, shoulders sagging as he pulled a face. "Do you remember when dad gave you _The Speech_ about, you know…" Blaine screwed up his face at the reminder of a particularly painful memory. "Right, well, this is actually something dad would do; _staying_. You know, dad's a complete douche, but even he'd never do what I was prepared to do, you know? All his stuff about duty and everything suddenly sounded a lot less hypocritical when you put it in my context." Blaine looked down at his socked feet, wiggling his toes absentmindedly as he nodded. "And, well, I thought _staying_ would make me worse than dad, but…he'd _stay_, for better or for worse, because that's his responsibility. I just- I just don't want to _ever_ be a worse person than him, Blaine. I don't think I could bare that." Blaine sniffed heavily, eyes stinging painfully, and looked up at his abnormally serious looking big brother.

"I know," he whispered, giving him a small smile from the corners of his mouth because that overwhelming fear of turning into the man in their front room was something that both of them experienced on a daily basis. It was worse for himself, Blaine reckoned, because there had been a time – so many, many years ago – when his dad had been a real dad to him; he'd taken Blaine to park and come to his sports days, and it was painful to think about how that man had turned into his worst enemy with one confession…well, not his worst enemy anymore, he supposed that Eli had to take that spot now.

"Boys, you do know that it is customary to-" their dad's angry rant was cut short as he stormed out into the hall, glare firmly in place. The annoyed look on his face turned into one of complete and utter fury as he took in the luggage in the hallway. Blaine gulped slightly, painfully aware of how watery his eyes were, and shuffled a little bit closer to Cooper for some form of protection. "_What_ is this?" demanded his dad, voice dropping in volume as the anger inside of him flared. Their mother came padding out into the hallway, eyes wide and fearful, and stopped dead when she saw the fact that one of her son's was clearly intent on leaving the house.

"Shit," muttered Cooper under his breath, and Blaine suddenly understood that Cooper had planned to take the cowardly way out and sneak off without telling their parents after his conversation with Blaine was over…well, Blaine had already used up his miracle working skills on his brother with the baby; cowardice in the face of their father was something Blaine could deal with at a later date.

"So, I _do_ have to start making phone calls after all." Blaine blinked at his dad for a moment, brow furrowing, before he realised that his dad thought that _Blaine_ was leaving as opposed to Cooper.

"No," snapped Cooper, kicking one of his suitcases out of the way so that he could square up to their parents by Blaine's side. "_I'm_ leaving." There was a mildly shocked pause in which Blaine saw his mum's face slacken in shock whilst his dad looked mildly taken aback for a second or two before resuming a slightly less-aggressive-more-disapproving expression. Blaine supposed that Cooper's strange behaviour this entire holiday didn't make this overly surprising.

"And why is that?" Cooper shrugged, trying to pull off a nonchalant air that wasn't being bought by anybody in the hallway. "Tell me what makes you think that you can just come and go as you please in my house."

"Err, the fact that I'm an adult," said Cooper, shrugging and pulling a face, and Blaine knew that Cooper was simply aggravating their dad with his "_you're so stupid_" tone of voice. "and that I paid for the plane tickets last night – from my own money, before you get onto your spiel about your money and whatever – and I didn't do that for fun." There was a stony silence in which Blaine watched as his dad glared at his brother whilst his brother smirked at his dad and his mum stood there biting onto her bottom lip and not daring to speak.

"Is there a particular _reason_ for your departure after you informed us that you would be remaining until New Year, or are you still an immature teenager?" Cooper rolled his eyes, and Blaine looked up at his brother, wondering why he was stalling the delivery of news that would really please their parents. Cooper sighed when their gazes met and then shrugged.

"_Fine_. I got my girlfriend pregnant, and so I came home to spend Christmas here to clear my head, and now I'm going back again." Their mother gasped, eyes widening and face lighting up in delight, whilst their father narrowed his eyes, head jutting backwards and clearly properly taken aback this time.

"Cooper that's _wonderful_!" exclaimed his mum, when their dad remained in silence, and she rushed forward to hug him. Cooper pulled a face – Blaine would hazard a guess that he'd mentally misjudged their reactions in his head – and then embraced the smaller woman. "Why didn't you say something earlier?" she demanded, drawing back from him but withdrawing from her shell properly. "Why didn't you invite her here?"

"Because he ran away," said their father in a tone of voice that was surprisingly neutral coming from him. Blaine looked over at him and saw that his eyes were un-narrowing as their mother stood to the side, holding onto Cooper's lower arm. "but now you're going back." Cooper nodded, and their father nodded once before striding forward, forcing Blaine to step aside as he shook Cooper's hand. "I have to admit that I'm proud of you for that." Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip, stepping backwards and away from the closed family unit that didn't include him, feeling both incredibly sad and mutedly happy for Cooper. "For once, you've managed to turn back onto the road after taking a wrong turning. I hope you have plans on marrying her. You have a duty to this child to give it a proper family and home, and, of course, me and your mother will be there to help you, but I think it's best to start with your child's mother."

"Yeah, no thanks," said Cooper, snorting, pulling his hand from his dad's and stepping back, shaking his head with an incredulous expression on his face. "I appreciate this…_fucking weird_ gesture, but no. There is _no way_ I am taking parenting advice from you, and _no way_ am I letting you near my kid." Blaine's face dropped into a frown, eyes going wide as he tried to beam to Cooper, as they made eye contact, that he should not be throwing away their dad's apparent friendship. Cooper simply smirked, and Blaine watched his dad's eyes dart to Blaine in a calculating manner. "What about _your_ duty to _Blaine_?" demanded Cooper, eyebrow arching. "Huh? You just told me that I have a duty to _my_ child, what about your duty to _your_ child?"

Blaine felt his entire body tense as three pairs of eyes stared at him whilst an oppressive silence reigned. His mum looked skittish by the immediate change of atmosphere. His dad had a very dark look in his eyes, silently blaming him for Cooper's words, which wouldn't really be an unfair thing to do. Cooper just looked resolute, and Blaine tried to tell him that he wasn't worth it – that there was no point trying – but he knew that Cooper wasn't listening to him. Cooper was a stubborn idiot most of the time.

"How many times are we going to go through this?" replied his dad, coldly, once more. "_Blaine_ is not my son. He stopped being my son a very long time ago." Blaine had heard the words so many times; _too_ many times, but even now it still hurt. He felt them punching him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him and sending his mind reeling. His eyes were stinging even more painfully than before. He clenched his jaw and tried – _really tried_ – to keep his composure.

"Yeah, and _that's_ what makes you such an imbecile. You're so narrow-minded that you can't see that Blaine is the _best_ person in this house, no offence mum." Blaine stared at his brother, feeling his eyes widen immeasurably, shocked by where this was all coming from. "You said you knew that I'd changed my mind, well you wanna know who made me change it? _Blaine_. He was the one that forced it into my head that family can actually mean something because Blaine and me – _we're_ a family…and you too, mum, most of the time. I would be _proud_ – so _fucking __**proud**_ – if my kid grew up to be _half_ the person Blaine is because even when we're all jackasses to him, he loves us. You are so goddamn lucky to have that because I don't love you dad, but _he_ does. It's too late for me, I'm not changing my mind, but it's not too late with Blaine because Blaine will wait _forever_ for you to say that you love him too. So just _say it_. Get it out of your head that being gay changed Blaine it all, open your fucking eyes and eat your words."

"Don't think you can tell me what to do, Cooper," said their father, stepping back with an icy tone to his voice that was much more normal. "you may be an adult, and soon to be a father, but you have a lot to learn. Blaine made his choice, and he has to pay the price for that."

"No, _you_ made _your_ choice, and don't tell me you that you gave him chances to prove you wrong because all you did there was push and prod to see if you could find the person that you _wanted_ him to be. You were trying to _make_ him into someone because you lost control of me, and then you lost control of your other son too. This was never about rebellion with either of us, you prat, and even if it was it would have been _your_ fault. When was the last time that you told him you loved him?" There was a very long silence. Blaine, whose mouth had been hanging open like his mum's, closed his mouth and tried to think to the answer to that. It was clear his dad didn't know either. When _had_ it been? He couldn't- nothing came to his mind. His dad had told him he was _proud_ of him, but never that he actually _loved_ him. He didn't think he could _remember_ that. "Point proven," snapped Cooper. Cooper shot Blaine one last smile, squeezed his mum's hand before snatching up his bags and storming from the house.

"_Cooper_!" cried their mother and dashed after him. There was a second of silence as his dad's gaze swung to him, and then Blaine bolted from the hall and up to his bedroom, the sight of his dad's furious eyes burned into the insides of his eyelids and feeling very deeply afraid; his brother might have tried to do good, but Blaine had the terrifyingly sickening feeling that he had just made things a lot worse.

* * *

Blaine stayed walled his room for as much as he physically could for the rest of his time at home. Luckily, his dad's idea of punishment for whatever had happened with Cooper seemed to be being banished to his bedroom so his plan worked out pretty well. His dad also spent a large deal of his time shut away in his study whilst his mum worked on her blackberry like the world of banking would collapse if she turned it off or set it down.

He also stayed relatively out of touch with his friends because he didn't want to wreck their holidays; Wes and David's was going swimmingly, Nick and Jeff seemed to have hashed out a ceasefire for the rest of their time at home, Thad was pretty happy and readjusted at home, Trent was enjoying some time with his older brothers and Sebastian's parents had gone to France, which left Sebastian in a frighteningly good mood. The New Directions, too, were having good Christmases and New Years', and he couldn't bring himself to darken that at all with his family problems, especially when his dad hadn't actually said anything to him since the fight he'd had in the hallway with Cooper.

Cooper contacted him daily, and most of the time, Blaine was given blow-by-blow accounts of how he and Stephanie were fighting, and how she was pissed (for understandable reasons) and Cooper was pissed at her for being pissed, and her parents didn't like him one bit (also understandably) and how that all sucked. Occasionally, Cooper would remember to ask how he was and such, and Blaine would give him as short as reply as possible that was meant to deter him, but obviously didn't. They would then descend into a sort of argument about being honest and such, which would then lead to the thing about Blaine and Kurt and the things that Blaine wasn't telling him. Blaine had had to restrain himself from shouting on several occasions because Cooper just _couldn't_ take a hint, and he _would_ be flattered and heartened by his brother's attempts to be a good big brother, but it just left him irritated. Almost every time, Blaine just ended up snapping down the phone – at some point or another – that if Cooper had been nicer to him than Blaine might be slightly more partial to talking to him, which led to a very long, awkward silence before Blaine caved and apologised. Then they'd change track onto stuff like Warblers and music and TV programmes which were a hell of a lot less likely to send them into serious rows that would leave them both in deep emotional pain – well, Blaine at any rate, he couldn't speak for the in-rehab Cooper.

Conversations with Cooper tended to leave him drained so he'd lie in bed, laptop on legs, headphones plugged into ears, and watching whatever he deemed most distracting that evening. Some of the time, he watched videos from David's, but there were days when they simply left him more depressed because things with Cooper had gotten better only for stuff with his dad to nosedive into the depths of crap from when he'd first come out. Things hadn't been that bad in a very long time, and that was kind of saying something because it had not been good when he'd broken the news about Kurt and had been going to McKinley. Other times, he just watched music videos, and when he was feeling particularly sad and nostalgic, he'd flick through the photos on his computer, both of him and Kurt and the old ones he'd scanned in from when he was little with his dad; him and his dad at a Football game, baseball game, army of toys – cars, little green men, Lego – and school awards.

It was a seriously depressing past time for him to take up, and every time he looked at the photos, he wracked his brain to try and see if he could remember that last time when his dad had told him he loved him. Nothing came to him, though. Not a single stilled memory that he had could jog his own, and it left him questioning whether his dad had _ever_ said it to him at all. That thought tended to end with him hunched over, face pressed into his knees and almost in tears. He'd fist his hand into his loose curls – he was too tired to bother gelling it – and fighting to stop himself from breaking down completely because he didn't understand why his dad wouldn't have loved him when he was little. He had been a good kid, hadn't he? He hadn't talked back that much…well, not when Cooper hadn't egged him on to do it, and then Cooper had always taken the rap because his parents had seen straight through Cooper's faux-innocent façade.

It was painful to think about that – to wonder whether there was something fundamentally wrong with him that meant there was a good reason for his dad not loving him – and he longed every single day for New Year to come so that he would only have a couple more days to struggle through until he needed to be back at Dalton where he would be buried in school work, Warblers and friends and not have to think about his dad. Blaine had struck a bargain with his dad, and he knew that he probably deserved it for demanding his parents to pay for private school when he could survive in public ones.

So when the new year did come, Blaine managed to welcome it in with a small smile on his face as he watched fireworks light the sky from his position sat on his desk, leaning against the window so that his cheek almost pressed against the freezing glass. It made him feel kind of like a child again when he closed his eyes and wished on all the fake stars that were shooting through the sky – one's made by the potentially warm hearts of man – that this year would be kinder to them: he wished for his dad to open his eyes a little, he wished for his mum to not be scared, he wished for a beautiful baby for Cooper, he wished for David's family to stay perfect, he wished for Trent to keep steering them straight at Dalton, he wished for Nick and Jeff to never, _ever_ break up, he wished for Sebastian to never change, he wished for Wes and David to never stop being his brilliant big brothers, he wished for Thad to finally find some peace and love, he wished that Kurt would find everlasting happiness and love…oh, and he wished that he, himself, could keep finding those little reasons to smile every single day.

* * *

Blaine zipped up his final suitcase and straightened his tie as he glanced into the mirror, noting that it had previously been at a strange angle. He had somehow managed to weasel himself into going back a day earlier, but he reckoned that that was because his dad had also decided he was going back to work a day earlier, which meant his mum could too so it worked out well for all of them. He picked the suitcase up from the bed and checked his texts. Sebastian was already back at Dalton and complaining that all the other people that were there were annoying imbeciles; Blaine didn't know whether to be exasperated or flattered at that.

Either way, Blaine was glad to be returning, even if it meant dealing with Sebastian's whining, and so he heaved his suitcase down the stairs with an unusual spring in his step. He could hear his dad marching around upstairs, gathering together all his various documents, and his mum was in the kitchen, blackberry in one hand and- and a _wine glass_ in the other. Blaine set down his case and bit down on the inside of his lip. He'd refrained from interfering with his mum for the entire holiday, but that was getting _way_ out of hand. It had only been like that in the run up to his first transfer to Dalton.

"Mum," he said, moving down the hallway and into the kitchen. His mum jolted just a little bit before setting down the wine glass and checking the time.

"Is this about anything in particular, Blaine?" she asked, looking down the hall to check that his dad wasn't coming down the stairs. "Your father said that he would run me into work, and I don't think he means that in quite the same way as he used to. I'd rather not start a fight." Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip and looked down.

"No, I just-" his eyes fell onto the wine glass. "just…_why_?" His mother followed his gaze before closing his eyes and letting out a long sigh.

"Blaine," she said, softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "you have so much to deal with right now, so _please_ let me shelter you for once." Blaine frowned up at her in confusion, trying to understand what that meant.

"Mum, does dad- does he…has he _hurt_ you?" he asked, hesitantly, filled with fear and dread. His mother's eyes darkened, and she shook her head furiously.

"Blaine, your father is a severely faulted man, but he's not a bad one. I have problems with him, with Cooper, with you, with my own parents, with my siblings, at work…you know how that feels. It just blunts some of those edges…Let me keep some of that from you. Let me be your mother, for once, and let me shelter you." She reached forward and before Blaine knew it his mum had kissed his forehead and walked past him. Blaine continued to frown into their kitchen, confused and touched, and his dad came down the stairs.

"Blaine, your bedroom window is open; _close it_." Blaine, who had been about to touch his forehead, frowned even more, spinning around and retracting his head on his neck, thoroughly confused because his bedroom window was definitely _not_ open. Why would he open the window? It was frickin' _January_.

Still, he knew better than to argue with his dad and so darted past his parents, who were preparing themselves for the freezing cold outside, and up the stairs. He crashed into his bedroom, somehow getting his feet in a muddle, and was hit with a blast of cold air. He gasped, drawing in his shoulders and shivering, and hurried over to slam it shut, wondering why his dad had opened it. His answer lay on the desk: a little model car sitting on top of a photograph. Frowning even more; this morning was turning out to be seriously weird, he picked them both up and raised them to eye level.

The car was a little red model Chevrolet '59; longer than most of his other toy cars with its ridiculous flat, wing-like tailfins, low headlights and cat-eye tail lights. He felt a tiny smile curve onto his lips at the sight of it, hit with a powerful nostalgia of running up and down the halls in his socked feet, slipping and sliding, and making overenthusiastic fake car noises. He remembered it being one of his favourite toy cars, though he couldn't quite remember…

He glanced at the picture for explanation and saw something that he had previously forgotten, that had been buried away for some many years: there was a mini version of himself with a mess of curls planted atop of his head as he stood, proudly in front of said red Chevy in some car museum, and crouched by his side, hands on shoulders and smiling face just next to his, was his dad.

…"_When I grow up I want to drive that car!"…_

_…"__No, __**you**__ made __**your**__ choice, and don't tell me you that you gave him chances to prove you wrong because all you did there was push and prod to see if you could find the person that you __**wanted**__ him to be…When was the last time that you told him you loved him?"…_

…"_Here you go, kiddo; one model until you're old enough to drive."_

"_Thank you, daddy, I love you!"..._

Heart thumping loudly and painfully, he ran from the room as he heard the front door open, people shuffle out and then close. His feet slammed into the stairs as he ran down, crashing between the wall and the bannister in his haste. He skipped the last three steps so that he could land against the hall, ankles jarring, and he ran to the front door, throwing it open and not caring about the freezing cold hitting him. He saw his dad's car pull out of the drive, and he slumped against the doorframe in defeat, staring out into the snow covered drive and the car that was speeding away from him.

"_I love you too, Blaine."…_


	27. Chapter 27

_**Dear readers, **_

_**I'm back! Hello, again to you all! As you can see, I survived my exams - I finished last Wednesday - and I don't have anymore school until September! Yay! As you can tell, I am in a very good mood because of that. Also, I thought it would take me ages to finish this chapter, but it only took two days (well, three, if you count the day in between when I didn't write anything) and I've written chapters 28 and 30 because I wrote them simultaneously, and a good chunk of chapter 29 because I was thinking up a backstory for Adam, and I got really into it, and then I was like; 'you know what would be a good idea? Writing this down before I forget' so I did. Anyway, what this means is that after I post this I'm going to post chapter 28 too, so double update! I'm going to try and get back into my habit of updating once a week, and if it starts writing itself again then maybe I'll update more frequently. Also, I basically decided that for Kurt's storyline I'm going to weave the canon into my story so that's why this one is basically what happens to Kurt in 'Sadie Hawkin' but I promise it'll get more interesting after that. **_

_**A massive thank you to everyone that wished me good luck for my exams, and I hope anybody else taking them has been okay, and also a big thank you to anyone that has reviewed, favourited, followed (there are now 200+ of you so that's awesome!) or read this. I appreciate it. **_

_**Enjoy!  
Sopphires.**_

* * *

_"All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else."_ ― Mae West, _Wit & Wisdom of Mae West_

* * *

Kurt was not going to lie: college was not as good as he was expecting it to be. He supposed that after his performance at the Winter Showcase, and because it was _NYADA_; a school of performing arts where they all shared some form of common interest, he had expected to naturally slot in somewhere with some group of people and make friends easily. He was not expecting it to be so much like high school with defined cliques and a tight pecking order. Then again, that might just have been naivety talking because NYADA was different to other colleges – students weren't just there to _learn_ in the same way as people studying, say, history or something were. They weren't there to accumulate knowledge for the sake of it and see where the wind blew them. No, they were there because they wanted to be a star; they all had the same drive and focus and desires, and in the end, they could be friends, but they were also in direct competition with each other.

He also supposed that vanity and his own appreciation of his talents had also made him assume that he would be somewhere near the top of the pecking order, given his phenomenal performance at the Winter Showcase, but in reality he was just another new kid; another person in the crowd of wanna-be stars. He liked to tell himself that, perhaps, jealousy kept others at bay because he was an exceptional singer, but after almost a week of trudging around the school on his own, and making awkward conversations with people he never wanted to see again, he was forced to admit that people seemed to have just forgotten about the Showcase already, even though only the very best actually got to perform there.

It was frustrating for him to have come so very far; to have striven through all of what he had, to seemingly fall straight back into the one place he had been most grateful to escape from. It was like high school all over again, except there too many gay people at NYADA to make homophobia a problem, and somehow he had found himself once more at the bottom of the social order. He could understand why at McKinley what with all the dim-witted jocks and bitchy cheerleaders, but NYADA was harder for him to wrap his head around. Other than the fact that he was new, he couldn't see a reason why he would be on the bottom rung of the social ladder; he was well dressed, a counter-tenor, confident but polite (most of the time), a good dancer, fearless, punctual and intelligent. What more did they want from him? Still, it seemed to be a recurring theme in his life that he never got what he gave.

However, he also knew that sitting around, internally monologuing his problems until the sound of his own voice trapped inside his head made him want to sick, wasn't going to help him make any friends whatsoever. Seeing as Rachel was too busy with Brody, who had a seemingly compulsive need to be shirtless so that Rachel could see his said shirtlessness at least once a day, and therefore she was not able to help him befriend any of the people that she had made friends with, or just be that best friend to him as he had grown so accustomed to, he knew that he had to go out, put himself on the line once more and find a new way to make friends. That conclusion had one major advantage to all his others: he knew the way to make amazing friends – join an extracurricular club.

That was basically how he had ended up standing before the different posters that advertised all the numerous different clubs that went on at NYADA. There were so many to choose from, and Kurt honestly just found himself standing there, vetoing most of them inside of his head without a second thought, and wishing that he was back at his desk in the Vogue offices because there he was surrounded by like-minded yet uniquely different people that he was _friends_ with. These were people that he could easily share a laugh with in the lift, or with whom he could gossip whilst fetching himself a coffee, or rely on to hold down his position if he was running ten minutes late that morning because _someone_ had hogged the shower for forty-five minutes! He didn't have anybody like that at NYADA, except Rachel, but she was busy fulfilling her aforementioned duty of seeing Brody shirtless.

A poster that caught his attention more than the others, partially because he didn't know what it was for except that it had something to do with singing, plus some guy named Adam, because of the little clip-art man with the microphone, was the one for "_Adam's Apples_". Apart from that, though, he had no clue what kind of club it was. He hadn't realised that he'd voiced his curiosity out loud until he heard a British voice saying in response;

"NYADA show choir. You should join; it's super fun!" He blinked once, taken aback by the fact that someone had actually heard what he'd said and decided to reply, but by the time he'd glanced around the board in the direction the voice had travelled, the owner of English voice had disappeared into the crowds of other students. Kurt let out a soft sigh, eyeing the poster once more, and felt all the warm memories of the New Directions come flooding back. He remembered, vividly, that first real sense of _belonging_ that he had felt amongst their ranks; being one of them whilst still being himself – individual and unique. He would, undoubtedly, like to find that again, and the NYADA glee club was a logical place to start looking, but his mind was already, unhelpfully, bringing up Blaine. It would probably be fair to say that without show choir he never would have met Blaine because he never would have heard of Dalton, or been encouraged to spy on them and stumbled across Blaine and had that first meeting in the way they did, though he might have gone looking for another place eventually. The point was that show choir and Blaine were inextricably linked and joining show choir seemed to be like opening himself up for a second barrage of wounds, regardless of his resolution to put this behind him.

Kurt sighed once more, closing his eyes briefly and pinching the bridge of his nose. At the end of the day, show choir had been the thing that had carried him through high school to NYADA, and it had given him an incredible family, but wasn't everything meant to be better now that he was here in New York? Wasn't it almost failing to need the same thing to carry him through college as well?

For the rest of the day, he seesawed between thinking that it was a great idea to remaining unsure and indecisive because he loved glee club; he really did, and performing with them had given him the chance to make friends with completely different people that he would never have otherwise socialised with. Not to mention the fact that it gave diverse and interesting performances that encouraged going out of one's comfort zone and trying new things. On the other hand, he wasn't sure both about whether the connotations of being a loser still applied to glee club in NYADA, and whether it was worth the risk because he knew, even though he hated it and would vehemently deny it, that he was a little scared of opening himself up to a completely new group of people and trusting that they would be good friends. He hated Blaine so much for doing this to him internally; for making him second guess his choices and his judgement; for making him _afraid_, but it didn't change the fact that his mind questioned who could he trust if he couldn't trust Blaine?

Still, he was a Freshman in college in _New York_ – he had so many incredible opportunities potentially open for him, and he couldn't bare the idea of not going for any of them because he was scared because someone; some insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-but-pa infully-important-to-Kurt person, had hurt him. He'd regret it for the rest of his life, he knew, if he stayed inside of a shell for fear what might happen if he came out. He was brilliant, and he was confident, and even though everything with Blaine had rocked him to the core, he had press on otherwise it would never get better. He was sticking to that New Year's resolution, and he was going to be awesome.

* * *

"Would you like some tea?" he sang at Rachel as she appeared, furiously tying her hair back as quickly as she could. Kurt was in a rather good mood – probably because he had slept exceptionally well last night – and so was a little taken aback by how harassed Rachel looked, and the fact that she replied to him in a whisper;

"Yes, I would, but shh…" Kurt was a little affronted by her telling him to be quiet because she could be exceptionally noisy in the morning until he clocked exactly what was going on, and then he was simply completely shocked.

"Brody did he spend the night?" he demanded, unable to believe that he had slept through Rachel and Brody arriving back together – they weren't the quietest of people, especially not when they were together – but going by Rachel's whispered "_yes_" they had somehow managed to creep in without waking him! He didn't know whether he should more shocked by that, or the fact that Rachel had been incredibly up front about everything and just invited him to stay over. Still, the decision had obviously been a good one seeing as Rachel seemed utterly happy and giddy to the extent that he was beginning to find her grin just a little bit manic and slightly disturbing, and what she said about second guessing decisions struck a chord with Kurt because all he was doing at the moment was second guessing everything. Perhaps he really should go for the Adam's Apples after all. He should do what he wanted without too many doubts.

"How are you? How was your first week?" Kurt quickly flipped his mind back through the week that had just happened, which had felt far longer than one week, and decided that it could have been a lot worse. After all, he could have gotten completely lost in the school and missed a load of his lessons, which was something he had been very paranoid of and sure was going to happen, but he didn't, and the classes themselves weren't too challenging either. It was just the lack of friends that was a problem.

"It was good," he went for eventually, which he decided was mostly true. "you know, a little lonely," and he did his absolute best not to give Rachel a pointed stare at that, trying not to highlight that the distinct lack of her at NYADA had left him rather adrift both because that would be a little pathetic and because she, as he'd just seen, had been with Brody and was exceptionally happy as a result of that. "but I was thinking to meet people I would join the show choir called the Adam's-"

"Oh no no no!" said Rachel, sitting up and looking a lot more serious, and Kurt broke off, mildly alarmed by her strong objection to his perfectly logical idea. After all, they were only sitting in this room having this discussion because of show choir. "Listen to me, there is a _very rigid_ performing arts hierarchy at NYADA, and show choir is the _lowest_ of the low. It's beneath stage managers and carpenters." Kurt stared at her in shock at that because how could a club – a _singing_ club – be below _carpenters_? It was glee club! He was willing to bet that over half the people that applied for NYADA through song auditions had been _in_ their high school glee club because it was a perfect way to gain experience, not to mention being relatively informal and fun and _diverse_. "That is social and career _suicide_."

"But at McKinley-" he began, ready to point out that, yes, show choir had been highly unpopular, but it had also been the thing that had provided both him and Rachel with _friends_, and it was the reason that Rachel had gotten into NYADA. Besides, yes, to everyone else they had been losers, but all of the best singers at McKinley had been in their glee club.

"We're not at McKinley anymore, and we're done being underdogs. If you want to join a club just do anything _but_ the Adam's Apples." Kurt let out a frustrated sigh, annoyed at the stigma attached to glee club and the way Rachel seemed to have turned around and stabbed the three years in which they'd slogged away and given _everything they had_ to show choir in the back because it wasn't what the top dogs did. "It's what all future chorus kids do. If you do show choir in college, you might as well be doomed to the life of playing a dancing teapot at Disney land." Kurt let out another sigh, upset and annoyed by her words, and then got up.

"I'm going for a walk," he announced, shooting her a tight lipped smile. Rachel shot him a look that said he should listen to her advice otherwise he'd regret it, but didn't stop him from grabbing his coat and scarf and walking out into the chilly January air.

He had to admit that what Rachel had said really pissed him off because Rachel clearly thought she was on top of the social hierarchy – probably as a result of winning the Winter Showcase – and it annoyed him how readily she was prepared to throw off the thing that had supported her and got her through high school into NYADA; had made them _friends_, and denounce it as something that losers did. They'd always been underdogs together; two kids from Lima in New York and chasing their dreams together against the tide of reality, but now Rachel thought that she'd risen above that – above _Kurt_.

He let out an annoyed huff, crossing the street, and knew, at the same time, that everything Rachel had said she'd said because she as trying to look out for Kurt. She was doing what she thought was best for him, but that didn't mean that he had to like it or accept it because, as Blaine had proven time and time again this year, doing what you thought was best for someone tended to be the exact opposite of what they needed. She was advising against joining show choir, yes, but she had also said that she was tired of denying something that felt right, and being in show choir felt right to Kurt. So what was more important? Doing something that he loved and enjoyed, or preventing himself from once more being associated with the losers?

* * *

"You're thinking about signing up, aren't you?" Kurt really jumped at the sound of that English voice, heart hammering and internal dilemma about which club to join and whether or not he should hold his loyalty to club that had looked after him cut short, and looked over at the blonde boy in a blue beanie hat that had appeared from around the side of the board and was wearing a heart-stopping, charming smile.

"Oh I- _maybe_! I-I-" he found himself stuttering and stammering, not quite over the fact that an incredibly attractive guy had just appeared out of nowhere and started a conversation with him. "You are?" he asked, hoping that he wasn't blushing and very glad that he had found his voice again.

"Adam; a Senior; founder, and fearless leader, of the Adam's Apples – the group that you are very seriously considering joining." Kurt looked at him, crossing his arms, and unable to stop the smile from appearing on his face because his _accent_ and his grin were…_highly_ _distracting_, and he couldn't quite work out why he was talking to Kurt because older, good looking guys didn't just stop and talk to Kurt.

"I'm Kurt-" he said, proffering his hand, and was interrupted from introducing himself by Adam finishing the sentence before he could and taking him completely by surprise because this guy knew who he was? What was going on? He thought everyone had forgotten about the Winter Showcase.

"Your Winter Showcase performance was…" he seemed to consider what to say next for a moment, and Kurt waited for whatever kind of judgement that might come. "…_breath-taking_," he decided on, eventually, and Kurt felt a flattered smile break out onto his face. "and, of course, completely unheard of. All of us Apples were on our feet after your friends got up – so brave, so moving and _so_ much fun!" Kurt let out a mildly embarrassed laugh, going to thank him, but Adam kept on talking; "but now you're here, and you're wondering where you fit in, and how can college be so much like high school, and you want to join my group, but you're worried it's a step backwards, and, no, I'm not a mind reader, I'm just astute like you." The cheerful grin fell from his face to be replaced with a business like expression, and Kurt was amazed that he still had breath to speak with. "We need you. We want _you_." And then that cheerful grin was back, and all Kurt could really think was;

'_He wants __**me**__? What does __**that**__ mean?' _

'_It means he wants you in the show choir, you idiot, because you're a counter tenor, he doesn't actually __**want**__ you. He's a __**Senior**__, and he's probably got a boyfriend, and he might not even be gay!' _

'_You know, we __**really**__ need to say something!'_

"Well, I'm impressed you said all that in one breath," he said, blushing a little and taking a step backwards because this was guy was messing with his brain and making him feel nervous and stupid, and he needed a moment to breathe. "but I don't think I'll be joining." And he walked off, definitely blushing in a manner that made him uncomfortable.

"Man, a hard sell, I respect that!" And – _oh God!_ – Adam was _following_ him! "But I'm not willing to go down without a fight!" And he had to stop thinking that it felt really nice to be the one that was being chased instead of doing the chasing because this was about _show choir_ and not _feelings_. "Come hear us sing; no strings attached-" he shouldn't have said _that_ because Kurt's mind just went embarrassing places. "-no secret, time-share condo bond scheme-" and _why_ had he thought that it was a good idea to go down the stairs because now he was looking up into Adam's eyes, and he was smiling and still talking about voices and ears, and Kurt wasn't _really_ listening, because he was too busy staring up at him and his accent was hypnotic and he couldn't say no now.

So instead of thinking up a ridiculous excuse to not go with Adam to see his club perform like he'd been considering doing when Adam had been following him, he ended up walking with the Brit down the corridors and listening him talk about how the Apples didn't perform in competitions, but that they were a place for having fun and connecting with people through song, bringing together different people and creating an environment that wasn't wrought with secret battles to be the top dog like in just about all the other clubs. Adam was always smiling too, and he said insanely long sentences in one breath that just made Kurt laugh and marvel at the way he didn't have speak quicker and never seemed to run out of air.

When they finally came to the hall that the Adam's Apples rehearsed in, Adam had shot him his _really_ happy grin that said he was excited and pushed open the door, holding it open and allowing Kurt to walk in first like a true gentleman, and Kurt was given his first glimpse of the Adam's Apples. Kurt's immediate thought was that they were the same mismatched, ragtag bunch of students that the New Directions had been, and that thought put a slight smile on his face as Adam walked in front of him, and the group of students, that had been talking amongst themselves, seemed to turn their attention to them a little.

"I present to you the Adam's Apples!" he said, and they immediately burst into instant, harmonic song, and Kurt found his mouth drop open in amusement at their song, standing there in the middle of the aisle and staring at them in disbelief. They were absolutely ridiculous, he decided, as he made his way to a seat and sat down, but he didn't want to stop watching at the same time – and not just because of Adam's voice as he sang solo, or his dancing – because it was hilarious, and it was _good_! It was the same insane kind of thing that the New Directions might have done, and he was overcome with shocked humour and sweet nostalgia as he watched them. He felt a strange desire to get up and join in except he was too amused to do so, and he didn't really want to take his eyes of Adam (and that desire was not at all the same one as when he'd met Blaine, and the Warblers, and there were no parallels between the two meetings, and any feelings, _at all_). No, all that he'd done was find an endearingly ridiculous show choir, and their charming, handsome leader – that was it, it wasn't going to occupy his thoughts one bit after he walked out of the hall.

* * *

"Okay, Brody said he's going to meet me at the library to go downtown. Do you want to come?" Kurt jerked himself from his thoughts, which had most certainly not been about Adam and Blaine and a comparison of their dapper smiles, and immediately declined Rachel's invitation because the idea of third-wheeling it with her and Brody was just awkward. Besides, he needed to work out what he was doing about the Adam's Apples; he still hadn't given Adam a yes or no, not that Adam was pressing him for answer at all because he was confident that Kurt would join, but Kurt had joined several other clubs, and he felt bad for not giving Adam an answer. "I can't wait for you to find the new man of your dreams then me, you, him and Brody can all go on double dates together." Kurt gave himself a mental slap for zoning out on Rachel once more and focusing on Adam, but he couldn't help. He liked Adam _way_ too much, especially after Blaine, and he was both worried and excited about that, and- wait, Rachel was still talking; "I really feel like that's going to happen soon. "

"Actually," began Kurt, all of sudden, because the idea of talking to Rachel about Adam had actually never occurred to him. He supposed that he'd just been too caught up inside of his own mind comparing Adam with Blaine and debating whether or not it was worth taking the risk and why his mind always wandered to Adam and how he talked so much without breathing and how did he such a perfect grin, _and_ he was doing it again. He might as well just admit it; he liked him. "there is someone that I've had my eye on."

"Oh my god! Who is it?" and Kurt let out a tiny sigh of relief because for a moment, a really horrible moment, he'd thought she might bring up Blaine and demand to know if he was really over him, and that would lead to the kind of conversation that he was doing his absolute best to avoid both inside of his head and with other people too.

"He goes to school with us," he said, feeling a little better admitting it out loud because internally debating whether or not he liked Adam and how much and all had been beginning to drive him _insane_. It was good to lay it all out like this because he could always use an external point of view on the matter. "and lately things have been happening, and I'm just trying to figure out if he likes me?" Rachel's eyebrows arched.

"Like?" she demanded, and Kurt sighed, noting the excited, manic glint in her eye that told him she was seconds away from exploding in squeals, which would be bad for his ears and probably his dignity too.

"I don't know," he said, shrugging and suddenly wondering whether it was all just him being stupid and Adam just being a genuinely nice, charming. "he- he keeps turning up everywhere, and he _always_ compliments me! I mean, I was sitting in a corridor reading _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_, you know for the Tennessee Williams play reading club, and he told me that I'd make a fantastic brick and that I look like a young Paul Newman. Then I was in one of the dance studios, and he appears in the doorway and says hey and tells me I've got a nice plié. Then I told him that Blaine was more of the dancer, and he walks towards me and says '_let's try that again. Hey Kurt, nice plié_' and so this time I turned around and said thank you, he said you're welcome. _Every_ encounter is like that!"

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Rachel again. "He is totally crushing on you!" Kurt almost let out a sigh of relief at her words, glad that he didn't appear to be making it up in his head. "What is his name?"

"I don't want to jinx it," he said, slightly unsure whether he wanted to tell Rachel that he was crushing on the "_founder, and fearless leader, of the Adam's Apples_" in case she scorned it or him. "He's twenty two, sophisticated, handsome…there's no way he'd want to be with me," _because if __**Blaine**__, who was __**like**__ me, didn't want me then there's no way that someone like him – someone "__**better**__" – is going to want me_.

"Kurt, you are a catch," she said, firmly, and Kurt sighed because he didn't feel like that at all. He didn't feel at all like he was something that anybody would want. "and now that you're absolutely certain that you want to move on from Blaine-" Kurt thought it was pretty impressive that he didn't have a single outward reaction to her mentioning Blaine, and that she had the tact not to mention any lingering feelings. "-I think it's really time for you to put yourself out there, you know. If this guy doesn't want to ask you out, then you ask him out!" Kurt looked at Rachel with wide eyes, horrified at that idea because, no, Kurt was absolutely _not_ ready to take that kind of hit. "I promise you it's worth the risk." Kurt pulled a face, not entirely sure he could agree with that after the beating his self-esteem had taken over Blaine. "There's nothing like being in love in New York!" she exclaimed, kissing him on the cheek before Kurt could fully comprehend what she'd said.

"_Love_?" he demanded because he was absolutely _not_ in love with Adam. He liked him, a little…a lot, but it was not love. Kurt was not in love with him. "Already?"

"What can I say? Things move fast here; it's not like high school." Kurt arched his eyebrows at her as she went to walk across the road, snorting slightly in disbelief because she had been fully prepared to let things move _very_ fast in high school.

"Says the girl who almost got married before graduation!" he shouted, and Rachel, in the middle of the road, turned around and called back;

"Seize the moment! Do it! It'll be worth it!" before crossing the street and hugging Brody, who was standing on the other side. Kurt watched her for a moment before beginning to walk back down the street, sighing.

He knew what Rachel meant, and he knew that she was probably right about putting himself out there and taking the risk, but at the same time, he couldn't say that he knew he was ready for another relationship. Also, Adam was one of the few proper friends that he had at NYADA, and he was funny and cheerful and always sought Kurt out, and if he didn't want to go out with Kurt then Kurt risked losing one of his closest friends, and he couldn't really afford to do that at the moment because he didn't have that many people in New York.

That, and he couldn't deny that was really scared of getting hurt again. He'd put himself on the line numerous times this year, and he hadn't gotten anything from it. He didn't want to feel vulnerable, and he cursed Blaine once more for having this effect on him, and he _knew_ that he couldn't let it hold him back, but there was a difference between making friends with people and then getting a boyfriend. He'd fallen way too hard and fast in the past, and he'd always gotten hurt as a result of it. He didn't want that to happen again. Still, it couldn't hurt to simply ask him out for coffee, could it? It surely would be best to get to know him out of NYADA first, and then the way forward would be clearer. Yes, he'd ask him out for coffee tomorrow; not a date, explicitly, it could be two friends hanging out, but at the same time, it could be something a little more romantic – it was up to them; up to Kurt, and that made him feel better.

* * *

Kurt spent the next morning walking around NYADA in a state of complete and utter tense worry. He bumped into a lot of people in the corridors because he was too busy keeping an eye out for Adam to notice them, and he was inattentive in lessons to the point where his teachers simply gave up trying to get him in engaged and let him stew in his thoughts because falling behind the rest of the class and not learning something that they had was a greater, more effective punishment than shouting.

The longer he went around in that state, though, the more worried he became because he would have expected Adam to appear at some point behind him, shooting him a compliment and perfect grin, and he could do it then, but he didn't. Adam didn't seem to be in the same hallways as Kurt or going in the same direction, and Kurt tried very hard not to panic and remember that he could very well have the morning off and without lessons, or he could just be in another part of the building, or anything, and that it was absolutely not a bad omen saying that Kurt shouldn't ask him out for coffee because that would be ridiculous.

Still, it didn't stop himself almost sagging with relief as he walked through door B and towards the stairs and spotted Adam. The next moment, though, the worry was back because he was casually chatting to someone else, attentive smile in place and book in hand. He looked like the very epitome of ease, and Kurt knew that he couldn't simply walk up to him and ask him for coffee whilst he talked to someone else because he couldn't interrupt their conversation – that would be rude – and if he was rejected the humiliation would be unbearable.

His pace slowed as he reached the top of the stairs, indecision clouding his mind because what if he didn't walk into Adam again that day? He could do it tomorrow, but if he put it off for one day there was nothing to stop him putting it off till the day after that and then the next day and the next day and the next day until someone else with more guts than Kurt asked him out instead, and Kurt was left on his own feeling stupid once more. He couldn't handle that, but he couldn't do it now. So what did he do?

He went to walk down the stairs, but then stopped. He couldn't walk away from his best chance of getting over Blaine and being properly happy, and he couldn't give up the great feeling that got from being around Adam. So, instead, he decided to stall by crouching down and pretending to do up his shoelaces, hoping that the conversation that Adam was engaged in would come to an end, and that Adam would then spot him and come over. For several agonising seconds, Kurt remained crouched down, fingers holding onto the his laces and waiting for the voice that he was becoming less and less sure would come, and, as he bowed his head in defeat, he heard it;

"Oh, hey, Kurt, I was just thinking about you!" he fought the urge to smile as he turned round to look at Adam as he jogged over, storing the latter part of what he'd said away in his mind for him to dissect and swoon over at a later date. He got to his feet and looked at Adam as he came to a stop. "Thoughts on a Sondheim super mash-up, like, epic to the power of epic, we'll all probably die will we're singing it; you in?" Kurt kept a grin plastered onto his face as he nodded.

"I'm in," glad that Adam wanted to include him in what he was doing and that he had an excuse to hang around with him some more, but bitterly disappointed that, once more, it had been about show choir. He smiled at him, jogging past and down the stairs, and that part of him that had broken a little when he'd realised Adam was talking about singing went;

'S_crew it!_' and he called out;

"Hey Adam," bringing the beanie-wearing boy to a stop and causing him to turn around and look up at him. "I was wondering would ever want to get a drink or- or a coffee with me?" He took a deep breath, looking nervously down at Adam whilst his heart raced. Then Adam's face split into that familiar grin.

"Yeah, that'd be great!"

"Great!" he echoed, mind spinning because Adam had yes! Oh god, he'd said _yes_!

"Here let me give you my number," he said, stepping up towards him, and it was all Kurt could do to stop himself from grinning like a maniac as he handed his phone to Adam and waited as he put in his number. Then Adam handed the phone back to him, giving him one last smile before turning around and walking away. Kurt felt his mouth hang open slightly as he watched the other boy walk, smiling widely, because he could not believe that he had just asked someone out and they'd said _yes_. An older, talented, handsome, sophisticated guy who was from another country – _England_! – had just agreed to go out (for coffee, or something) with him.

Kurt pressed his hands together in front of his face unable to stop himself from grinning and then remembered that he actually had to be somewhere. He leapt down the steps, smiling at anybody that he made eye contact with, because maybe keeping that New Year's resolution wasn't going to be quite as hard as he thought – not now that he'd found someone to keep it with.


	28. Chapter 28

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Here it is, as promised, chapter 28, and the first of two dealing with Blaine's father because the way I think I'm going to be structuring Blaine's side of the story, up until Valentine's day, is by having small story arcs spread across approximately two chapters._**

**_Enjoy!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom."_ ― Umberto Eco, _Foucault's Pendulum_

* * *

Blaine ran the little car along his desk with the palm of his hand, staring at the picture that he'd propped up against his desk lamp. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't understand what his dad had meant by leaving the car and photo on his desk. He understood that his dad had left the photo and the car there to remind him of the time when his dad had said he loved him, probably the last time which was a depressing thought because he had to be around seven in the picture.

He remembered the situation too, now: Cooper blowing up at their parents because he wanted to be an actor, but they didn't think it was a good idea, and Cooper shouting about oppressive they were, and Blaine crying in his room because it was too loud and Cooper was being a big meanie and he was really scared because he'd heard things shatter, and his dad coming upstairs whilst his mum tried appealing to Cooper, and Blaine wanting to get out of the house, and his dad picking him up and carrying him down the stairs and putting him in the front seat of the car, which Blaine had _loved_, and driving them around until they came across the car museum, and Blaine running from exhibit to exhibit, his dad chasing him, and his dad lifting him up so that he could see properly, and being absolutely captivated by the Chevy and wanting to be able to drive it so badly, and his dad buying him the toy car, and Blaine falling asleep on the way back home with the car clutched in his chubby fist. He remembered it all, and he thought he knew how he'd lost it, too, because when his father had rejected him, Blaine had stormed up to his bedroom, crying and fuming, and piled whatever he could grab that reminded him of his dad into a box and had thrown it into the hallway before blocking himself in his room. The next day, the box had been in the bin in front of the house, and Blaine had had no doubts that his dad had put it there – he must have taken the car out and kept it. And that led him to thing he _didn't_ understand.

He didn't understand _why_. He could understand why his dad had kept it, a little, because obviously it was connected to the love – or the lack of it – between them, but why had he kept it after _he_ had told _Blaine_ that he wasn't his son anymore? Blaine didn't understand why his dad would remind him of that. What did his dad gain from that? It didn't seem to be a victory for his dad, or at least not one that Blaine could see, so what was the point? What did it mean? Was Blaine meant to go and approach him? Was this saying that there was still something left, or was it telling him that his dad could only love him when he was an innocent child?

Blaine groaned and slammed his head into his forehead, feeling his eyes sting and his eyelids droop. He had barely slept when he got back to Dalton, choosing instead to drive the car around on his bedcovers, and he didn't understand how Thad could put up with Sebastian on his own because he was _so annoying_! Blaine got that he was restless and bored out of his mind – and missing Thad, no doubt, because their levels of co-dependency were insanely high, though Blaine wasn't stupid enough to say that to his face – but did he have to constantly switch between trying to wind Blaine up and complaining about _every other human being __**on the entire **__**planet**_?!

"Blainey!" Blaine looked up, groaning once more, and found a small smile breaking out onto his face at the sight of David. He pushed himself to his feet and stumbled over to his roommate, who was dropping his bags, and threw his arms around him. David hugged him back tightly, and it felt good to be held by someone who simply loved him. David patted him on the back, clearly sensing that he was upset, and Blaine clung on as tightly as he could before he decided it was only decent to let go. He stood back, sheepish smile on his face.

"Hey David," he greeted, stepping backwards. David narrowed his eyes, frowning, and Blaine shot him a fake smile, looking over his shoulder and spotting Thad hugging Sebastian. David followed his gaze and snorted.

"I think Sebastian's going to break Thad's ribs if he's not careful," he commented, and Blaine snorted, louder than David had, and this drew the attention of the hugging boys, who broke contact; Sebastian scowling and Thad mildly pink in the face but bounding over to embrace Blaine. Blaine let out a small as Thad hugged him enthusiastically, glad that he was seemingly really happy and excited about the new term.

"Hey Blaine!" he exclaimed, stepping back with a huge grin on his face that made Blaine laugh a little bit.

"Hi, you seem a lot better." Thad nodded, sticking his hands into his pockets and looking around. Blaine shuffled back into his room, dropping down into his chair. Thad and Sebastian sat down on his bed, and David, closing the door, took a seat on his own. Thad looked around at David and Blaine, grinning in a slightly nervous manner, as Sebastian patted his shoulder.

"Yeah, well, um, I think my parents not hating Sebastian now has a lot to do with that." Blaine felt his eyebrows leap up his forehead, face slackening with shock. David let out a choked laugh of disbelief, and Sebastian gave them both a condescending look that challenged their belief that he couldn't be charming.

"How the hell did that happen?" asked David. Thad let out a small laugh, going a little pinker and rolling his eyes.

"Well, my parents kind of invited him over for New Year because we'd been texting so much and everything, and they kind of get now that Sebastian is, um, well, he's…" Thad trailed off, trying to think of a polite way to phrase exactly what Sebastian was, which he was probably only trying to find because Sebastian was glowering at him.

"An acquired taste?" suggested David, and Blaine laughed, noting the rather self-satisfied look that had appeared on Sebastian's face.

"Yes," said Thad, nodding. "an acquired taste – that's a good one. So I think my mum's just sort of learnt to accept his sarcastic sense of humour and everything, and, God forbid, I think my dad actually _likes_ him!" Blaine spluttered in amusement at that, struggling to imagine Thad's parents actually _liking_ Sebastian. David roared with laughter, slumping back onto his covers whilst Sebastian rolled his eyes condescendingly and Thad pursed his lips and tried very hard to fight the laughter.

"So, what about you and your parents?" asked David, once he'd sat up and gained composure. "How are things between you?" Thad shifted around on the bed a little, looking marginally uncomfortable before shrugging.

"Good, I think…I mean, stuff with my mum was a little weird, but she's-" he bit down on the inside of his lip, pulling a face. "-she keeps blaming herself, and it's _really not_ her fault, and I don't know how I can convince her of that…" he looked rather downhearted, and Sebastian put an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer and squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. Blaine cast his gaze back at the contents of his desk for a moment, thinking about his own mum and wondering whether she carried around the crushing burden of guilt too. "But things with my dad are great," continued Thad with a smile. "I actually don't think we've ever been this close before." Blaine felt his entire face fall, even though he was really happy for Thad, and looked back at the picture, feeling himself ache with misery over what was happening between himself and his dad.

"Alright," said Sebastian in his sharp voice, cutting through Blaine's dismal thoughts and making him look up at their concerned and confused faces. "out with it." Blaine frowned at him, and Sebastian rolled his eyes. "You've been moping around ever since you got back, and I know things at your place are pretty crap, but there's something wrong, and I've let it slide until David and Thad came back, but they're here now so just tell us what's wrong already, and why the _hell_ you keep carrying that little model of a god awful Chevy around?" Blaine snorted, gently, at Sebastian's description of the car and picked it up.

"It's kind of complicated, but my brother told me – just before yours, David, it's why we were late – that he knocked up his girlfriend." He glanced at his friends and saw that, except for Sebastian who had arched an eyebrow, they didn't look particularly shocked, and he was glad that they didn't say anything. "He walked out on them," he muttered, voice dropping in volume and avoiding David's eyes. "and he thought it was going to ruin his career, and he actually wanted her to _abort_, and he went off on this whole spiel about how kids were just leeches." He closed his eyes, sighing, and shook his head slightly. "Then he stormed off, and I talked to your mum, David-" he looked over at his friend and saw that his expression was rather pinched and over composed but was still shot a small smile. "-and she told me about the ultrasound, and how she wanted to keep you when she saw you." It was weird and scary saying those words because it suddenly struck Blaine how close David had come to not _existing_, and how easy it was to alter _everything_ with one decision.

"Yeah," murmured David, and Blaine could see a couple of tears were shining in his eyes. Thad got up and walked across the room, sitting down by David's side and putting an arm around his shoulders. Sebastian sat forward, intent expression on his face. Blaine sighed, biting his upper lip and deciding he might as well continue.

"Well, that gave me the idea to show Cooper pictures of the baby, and so I contacted Stephanie, and she sent me them, and I gave them to Cooper on Christmas, and we had a big argument-" Blaine decided to gloss over that before he accidentally spilt what he really felt about Kurt. "-where he said the kid would hate him because he didn't want him, and he didn't want to be hated like he hates dad because that'd hurt, and I pointed life is just designed to hurt you, and he could make it all count; all the crap with dad and the bringing-me-down, and then I left." He sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Then the next morning I came downstairs, and he was getting ready to go. He-" Blaine broke off, shrugging but smiling a little. "-he just decided that, you know, he should make the crap we went through count, and he didn't want be like dad, or as bad as him, but dad would stay 'cause of duty and whatever…" Blaine shrugged. "Then my parents found us, and when Coop told them they were really happy, and dad basically extended the olive branch and everything, and Coop- Coop just-" he sighed, shaking his head. "Coop just burnt it; he questioned dad's duty to me, and then he said that he'd be proud if his kid grew up to be me, and then he asked dad when was the last time he loved me…That's where this comes in-" he jabbed his finger at the car and picked up the picture. "-we didn't know, and on the day I came back, dad left this on my desk…this is the last time he told me he loved me."

There was a moment of silence before Sebastian got up and walked over. Plucking the picture from Blaine's fingers, he looked at it with a frown. Then he handed the picture to Thad so that he and David could look at it. Blaine sat in his chair in silence, tears pricking his eyes and hoping that they could come up with a solution.

"Oh poor, Blainey," said David, hopping to his feet and embracing him warmly. Blaine clung onto him, and he felt someone else press their face into his shoulder, and he guessed that that was Thad. "I'm sorry, Blaine, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you." Blaine screwed his eyes shut and inhaled sharply.

"Blaine," said Sebastian in a surprisingly soft voice, and Blaine turned to look at him, seeing that he had crouched down so that he was on better eye level with him. "I know exactly what you're looking for from us, but we can't give it to you – you're going to have to go looking for answers in people that might actually vaguely _understand_ your dad's viewpoint: parents." Blaine shook his head, furiously, because he couldn't talk to his dad about this. He just couldn't. "If you can't talk to your dad than you need to talk to someone else…" and Blaine knew exactly what Sebastian was implying as his eyes bored into his. He felt his stomach lurch, feelings of nerves clogging his chest and sick crawling up his throat. The worst part was probably the fact that it made perfect sense.

* * *

Blaine scuffed his shoes against the front step, examining the shine of his polished school shoes. He felt nervous and stupid standing there, but he knew that Sebastian was completely right, and when he'd had time to think it over he knew that there was no one else he would ever feel comfortable talking about this with. However, after several more days of distraction and turning the matter over in his mind and coming to the conclusion that he just _could not_ riddle this out, he knew he had no other choice and so had come.

Chewing nervously on his bottom lip, he looked at the front door and pushed the doorbell. He felt nervous and rather ill standing on the doorstep, like he was overstepping every boundary and being presumptuous and selfish, but he did also have other, genuine reasons. He had to face this, it wasn't that bad, but he was still really scared. A feeling that only intensified as a figure appeared in the frosted glass, and the door swung inwards.

"Blaine, good to see you!" Blaine looked up at Burt, smiling a little bit up at him even though he felt sick and nervous. He raised a hand in greeting.

"Hey, um, I have something for you." He dug into his pocket and pulled out the envelope, extending it to him with a thin-lipped grin. "It's the money for the ticket," he explained. "I'm sorry it took so long."

"No," said Burt, shaking his head and sticking his hands into his pockets with a stern look in his eyes. "I can't take your money, kid." Blaine huffed, gesticulating it in the air in front of him.

"You're not _taking _it – I'm paying you back; I _owe_ you it." He could feel frustration building up inside of him rapidly, all of his pent up emotions that he'd kept locked down inside of him throughout school and Warblers suddenly bursting up inside of him. "You can give it to charity, for all I care, just _take it_!" he spat, throwing it onto the front step, pressing his hands over his eyes.

"Alright, kid, come in," said Burt, putting a hand on his back and guiding him into the house. Blaine could genuinely feel himself shaking after his outburst. He had no idea why had yelled at Burt, and he didn't feel any better for it, but he did feel really guilty about doing it because he shouldn't take his anger out on Mr Hummel.

"I'm sorry," he apologised, looking up as Burt ushered him into a chair. Burt sat down opposite, fixing him a look with quirked eyebrows that questioned what was going on and Blaine knew that Kurt had inherited. Burt put the envelope on the table, giving him a direct look. Blaine sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry," he said, again. "I just- I'm not having a great time, and...I'm just really tired – kind of running on a short fuse."

"Yeah, I can see that," said Burt, eyeing him intently. "but why did you come? I mean, I think you'd know I'd reject this so, why not send it in the post?" Blaine sighed, looking down at his hands for a moment before deciding that he might as well get this over and done with.

"I need some advice," he admitted, looking hesitantly up at Burt and wondering whether he was overstepping in asking him for help. Burt sat back in his seat, and Blaine could tell that he was analysing him carefully. "to do with my dad..." Burt's expression became one of immediate concern. "I'm fine," he added, hastily. "It's just-" he sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out the little car and picture. He watched as Burt frowned, lifting up the picture and examining it and then inspecting the car. Then he shot Blaine a frown. Blaine sighed, running a hand over his eyes. "It's kind of long story, but basically..."

Then Blaine launched, once more, into the long task of explaining everything that had happened in his house over Christmas, except, naturally, for the parts when the story strayed towards Kurt because that would lead to a conversation that he did not want to have, and then also giving him, in as much detail as he could remember, the story behind the picture, and how he believed his father had obtained the car. Burt listened intently, a frown fixed upon his face the entire time, but Blaine took heart from the way he simply listened – not interrupting or pressing Blaine when he became a little overemotional.

"So that's why I came," he said, letting out a huge sigh as he reached the end of his tale. "because Sebastian was right; we're not parents so we haven't got a clue what would make him do this, but you're a dad, obviously, and you're a really great one, and there's no one else that I really feel comfortable talking with, so I was just wondering if you'd be able to help at all..." he trailed off as Burt nodded, picking up the little car with a frown.

"Blaine," he said, after he'd spun the car round in his hand a couple of times. "didn't you once tell me that your dad had made you build an old Chevy with him one summer, or something?" Blaine stared at him with wide eyes, whole face going slack with shock, because – _stupid!_ – how could he have forgotten that? He slapped a hand into his forehead, slumping against the kitchen table because an explanation had been staring him in the face the entire time, and he had overlooked it in his panicked, confused state.

"Yes," he said, looking up and giving Burt a weak smile. "I did...I completely forgot. I mean, it was black the one we were rebuilding, but I remember dad saying we were going to spray paint it red...I can't believe I forgot!" Burt let out a small chuckle, putting the car back on the table and shooting him a sympathetic smile.

"Yeah, well, I think your mind's a little clouded with all your worries and everything." Blaine laughed a little bit, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes again.

"But why is he doing this?" he asked. Burt sighed, putting the car down on the table.

"I'm not sure I can really give you the answer you need, Blaine, but I think I can say this – your dad clearly holds this memory in high esteem. Blaine, this is something that matters to him greatly, but he's also harking back to a time before you were gay to him both with this and the car. I mean, he's holding onto _one_ memory, and he's been holding onto it for a long time because you seem to have given him the little car, but he had the picture, and he kept it." Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip, frowning.

"So...?" Burt shook his head, frowning and pushing the picture and car back to Blaine.

"You need to talk to your dad about this, Blaine, you really do because from what I can see your dad has made an image of who you should be in his mind. He's looking at this picture, and he sees the son he wants, and you're not that kid, Blaine, because you're grown up and been through a lot, but, of course, he also fails to see that you _are_ that kid. He can't reconcile the two different things in his head so he chooses to believe the easiest one for him to understand and accept; that you're _not_ his son. I think you have to be careful, Blaine, because if this is him trying to reach out and you reject him then he could put this on you even more – blame you completely – and then he won't bend again. However, I also think you need to be honest with him about...whatever because you might not get another chance." Blaine put his hands over his eyes, exhaling heavily, because he couldn't avoid a confrontation with his dad no matter how much he wanted to.

* * *

_Hey Blaine, want to meet up? It would need to be at McKinley, though-Finn_

Blaine blinked, staring at the text message with bleary eyes, and tried to remember whether or not he had Warblers after school. His mind was really tired after how many days of school he'd had where he had been unable to concentrate and had barely had any sleep because he was too busy thinking about his dad and what he ought to do because he was really afraid of talking to his dad, being honest with him and hearing his dad say that he could never love him or be his son, and that it was just _him_, and that he deserved it.

"Say yes," said David, peering over his shoulder and looking at the text. Blaine would scowl at him, but he was too tired to and now he knew that they probably _didn't_ have Warblers. "you need a break."

"Okay," muttered Blaine, giving David a weak smile, and tapped out a short, affirmative response to Finn. He hoped that spending a little bit of time with the New Directions at McKinley would help him take his mind off his dad and the memories that it conjured up and the fact that he had no idea what he ought to say and do.

* * *

"Blaine! God you look like crap!" Blaine snorted a little as he slammed his car door shut and walked over to him to be slapped heartily on the back. "Are you, like, sleeping at all?" Blaine shook his head, rubbing his eyes.

"Not really. What are you doing here so late?" he asked as they entered the school. Finn sighed a little.

"Well, it was kind of hard to keep the New Directions together after, you know, losing Sectionals, and so Coach Beiste suggested we have a Sadie Hawkins dance, which is happening tonight, and I am technically organising it."

"Oh," said Blaine, being painfully reminded of the one at his old school for a moment before shaking it off. "do you want me to perform or something?" Finn frowned, clearly taken aback, and then shook his head.

"No, but I heard that you were going through a tough time with your dad so..." he dragged Blaine into the auditorium and gestured to the microphone that stood in the middle of the stage. "I thought you could just sing it out." Blaine arched an eyebrow at him in confusion. Finn sighed. "Trust me, this works. Just imagine that your dad is standing at the back, and you can sing whatever you want to him." He patted Blaine on the back and then immediately walked away. Blaine stared after him, throwing his hands up in the air in silent confusion even though he desperately wanted to release all of his mixed up feelings. At the same time, that idea made him feel sick because the moment he let it out he couldn't take it back, but his feet were already taking him over to the microphone whilst his brain searched for an appropriate song – he couldn't fight the call of music.

_Hey dad look at me_

_Think back and talk to me_

_Did I grow up according to plan?_

He sang tentatively into the microphone, trembling hands curling around it even though he was the only person in the auditorium, and he had no reason to be scared except the answer to that question would probably leave him feeling horribly sick and like an utter failure because he knew the answer, really: no, he hadn't grown up the way his dad had wanted him to – and he was really sorry for that.

_And do you think I'm wasting my time_

_Doing things I wanna do?_

_But it hurts when you disapprove all along_

He hated the way that his dad had never really had anything against his singing when he was a child – not really – because it was just another talent, but the moment he came out it was a horrible sin, and what did that mean? Did it mean that all the way through Blaine's childhood his dad had been lying through his teeth when he congratulated Blaine on his singing?

_And now I try hard to make it_

_I just wanna make you proud_

_I'm never going to be good enough for you_

He could feel the tears burning his eyes as he sung the bridge because he really did want to continue making his dad proud, and he thought maybe he could if he won trophies – big, _important_ trophies – with his singing, but it wasn't enough...nothing was enough.

_Can't pretend that I'm alright_

_And you can't change me_

Well, that wasn't true because there was one thing that would be enough; denouncing his homosexuality, but he wasn't prepared to do that – he shouldn't have to – and he couldn't keep up the charade he had pulled at Christmas that said he was somehow okay with that.

_'Cause we lost it all_

_And nothing lasts forever_

_I'm sorry I can't be perfect_

He felt the first tears slide down out the corners of his eyes as he fought for control because he'd _had_ a dad, and it was all gone because of Blaine even though Blaine tried _really hard_; harder than Cooper ever had, but his dad wouldn't ever extend the olive branch in the same way because Blaine couldn't be what he wanted.

_Now it's just too late_

_And we can't go back_

_I'm sorry I can't be perfect_

The problem was that Burt was probably right: if Blaine didn't do something right now, his dad would probably slam shut the barricades once more, and Blaine wasn't going to get a second chance, but shouldn't it already be too late? His dad had been homophobic, and Blaine had insulted him in return – they couldn't change that.

_I try not to think_

_About the pain I feel inside_

_Did you know you used to be my hero?_

His whole body sagged in defeat as he acknowledged how much it pained him one of the people he had aspired to be like most when he was little was one of the people that had caused some of the most pain he'd ever experienced in his entire life.

_All the days you spend with me_

_Now seem so far away_

_And it feels like you don't care anymore..._

And how was he meant to have connected the Chevy his dad and he had tried to fix with the little toy he'd adored as a child when he'd shoved all the memories of those days as far away into the recesses of his mind because it had hurt too much to acknowledge the loss of his father's love?

_Can't stand another fight_

_And nothing's alright..._

He clamped both hands around the microphone, closing his eyes and bowing his head, and held on tightly to try and stop any of that insatiable anger from boiling up inside of him because he couldn't manage another fight because Blaine _always_ came off worse in them; he always got kicked to the ground and then kicked when he was down for extra measure, and after Eli and Kurt and just _everything_, he couldn't handle any more of that right now. He'd been through too much to be able to cope with anything more.

_Nothing's gonna change things that you said_

Still, the anger burst out from inside of him anyway as he tore the microphone from its stand and yelled into it, releasing of his pent up hurt over what his father had said to him and all the anger that he was expected to change and shift for his dad when it was his dad that had said homophobic and cruel things.

_And nothing's gonna make this right again_

He was crying as he stormed around the stage, smashing his feet into like a precocious two year old having a temper-tantrum, and let all of his fury come tearing out of him because his dad had made the bed, but it was _Blaine_ that had to lie in it, and it _wasn't fair_!

_Please don't turn your back_

_I can't believe it's all just a talk to you_

_But you don't understand_

He fell still quickly, though, and simply stared out at the rows upon rows of empty seats, vaguely remembering a time when his dad would fill one in order to watch him, and was filled with hopelessness because even if talking to him was the right thing to do there was no guarantee that his father would even _listen_ to him because he had long ago proven that he didn't really care what Blaine had to say and that he completely failed at understanding how important and complicated the situation was; Blaine couldn't just snap his fingers and make himself not gay, nor did he want to. His dad just told him off and then walked away so why would he listen now?

_'Cause we lost it all..._

Regardless, he ploughed his way through the chorus once more, apologising for failing his dad even though his dad was the one that rejected him and was too narrow-minded to see that Blaine being gay was perfectly normal and that he hadn't changed as completely as if he had been replaced with an _alien_! He was really sorry that he couldn't be perfect even though _no one_ was perfect, no matter how much they were idolised or raised up above the rest; not even Kurt, because they were all _human_, and all humans did was screw up and hurt each other whether through words, weaponry or will.

_I'm sorry I can't be perfect_

Blaine sang the last sentence at a whisper, even though it was amplified throughout the entire hall. Then he sighed and placed the microphone back on its stand, wiping the tears from his eyes and not sure that he felt better. However, before he could take time to figure that out properly, the sound of applause cut through the auditorium, and a figure stepped out of the shadows at the side of the room and into the pool of light cast onto the floor by the spotlights on the stage. Blaine's mouth fell open in shock.

"_Dad_?!"


	29. Chapter 29

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Another update! I've basically just been writing (and watching films) for the past couple of days so I have another chapter finished for you, and I can promise you the next chapter; the conversation between Blaine and his dad, on the weekend! This chapter contains my back-story for Adam, which is very detailed because my brain doesn't do things in halves, and a cameo appearance from another character that I have been waiting to write since, like, chapter 15! I think that's one of the reasons writing this part of the story is happening so quickly because some of these scenes I have had in my head for months and months, and I finally get to write them! Oh, and thank you for your continued support, and to those who've reviewed, favourited, alerted etc. _**

**_Enjoy!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Duty is what one expects from others."_ ― Oscar Wilde

* * *

Kurt checked the time on his phone, looking around nervously and biting on the inside of his lip. He had said that he'd meet Adam for coffee at 4:30, and it was now 4:35, and Kurt was standing outside Starbucks all alone. Kurt kept reminding himself that it was only _five minutes_ past the decided time so Adam was probably just running late after a lesson, or involved in one of his conversations that always took twice as long as he intended them to, but he couldn't escape the overwhelming fear that maybe Adam had stood him up. Obviously, there was no logical reason for Adam doing that because, well, he'd told Kurt on numerous occasions throughout that day that he was looking forward to coffee so unless, in reality, he was heartless, sick bastard that got kicks out of tearing down the self-esteem of younger students, which Kurt firmly believed he _wasn't_, then why was he late? Urgh! Why wasn't the entire world as punctual as Kurt?

"Did I mention you looked rather dashing today?" Kurt genuinely jumped, heart hammering, at the sound of Adam's voice coming from behind him. He spun around, light flush tingeing his cheeks, mouth open in shocked indignation even though he was also smiling.

"Stop doing that!" he exclaimed as Adam grinned at him, looking both highly amused and perfectly innocent.

"Only when you start taking my compliments," replied Adam in a firm voice. "Now, did I mention that you look rather dashing today?" Kurt rolled his eyes, heaving a huge sigh as if the business of Adam's flattery was incredibly tiresome to him, and then looked Adam right in the eye.

"Yes, you did, twice now, but thank you for mentioning it. I like your hat – it's a very nice shade of blue."

"Why thank you, Kurt," said Adam, beaming at him and then gesturing to the door. Kurt walked in first, trying to calm all the nerves inside of him because was this a date, or were they just having coffee, and on that note, _why_ had Kurt suggested they got a coffee when a huge part of his relationship with _Blaine_ had centred around a _coffee shop_? "I apologise for making you wait," he added once they'd stepped inside and noticed that it was exceptionally busy. "I was talking to some Apples and lost track of time." Kurt snorted a little bit, breaking out into a little bit of laughter, and Adam frowned at him. Kurt shook his head.

"Sorry, it's just when you say '_I was talking to some Apples_' it really does sound like you need to be sectioned, or something." Adam rolled his eyes, snorting to himself.

"Yes, well, that's a risk I'm prepared to take in life. Now, why don't you find us a table, and I'll get the coffees because this place is packed like sardines." Kurt arched his eyebrow slightly at the simile but nodded in agreement. After telling Adam his coffee order and watching him walk to the queue, Kurt turned around and began to wend his way towards the back of the coffee shop, spotting a table that was covered in rubbish but was mercifully unoccupied. Wrinkling his nose in disgust and draping his coat over the back of one of the chairs in the hope that someone wouldn't try and take the table, he picked up all the rubbish and made his way to the bin. He'd dumped it in and was about to proceed back to his table when a familiar voice called;

"_Kurt Hummel_?" and Kurt blinked and spun around, mouth dropping open in shock as he laid eyes upon none other than _Chandler Kiehl_, who had got up from his table and was making his way over to him. Kurt laughed a little in surprise.

"Chandler!" he exclaimed. "What a surprise!"

"Isn't it just!" cried the other boy, pressing his hands together and beaming in a manner that Kurt had once found endearing but was now frankly alarming. "I can't _believe_ this! What are the odds?" Kurt nodded, fighting against the memory of Blaine in Miss Pilsbury's office and everything that had been said. "Now, I heard from a little birdie that _somebody_ got into NYADA at the Winter Showcase by singing Mika. I am _dying_ to know if the rumours are true."

"Yes," said Kurt, rolling his eyes and smiling faintly. "I did – I sang _Happy Ending_." Chandler stared at him for a moment, and Kurt knew that he was going through his mental filing cabinet of songs and reminding himself which one that was. Then his face fell slightly and his eyes widened.

"What happened between you and Blaine?" he demanded. "I _so_ got the impression that you guys were like true-love-it's-meant-to-be!" Kurt felt his face fall and did his utmost best not to shoot Chandler a fierce, deadly glare.

"It didn't work out; he cheated on me, we broke up." Chandler gasped, and then his eyes lit back.

"So are you here with anyone?" he questioned, and Kurt couldn't work out whether it was meant to be suggestive or not because he just looked hyperactive, but then nodded.

"Yes, um, Adam," he pointed to him in the queue, and Chandler let out a mini squeal that caused several other patrons to look at them in disturbed alarm.

"Oh, he's a definite catch!" exclaimed Chandler, looking back at him with that same, huge grin. Kurt nodded in agreement, although he was now slightly distracted by the sight of Adam striking up conversation with the guy in front of him in the queue that kept making the unknown guy (whose nose was too big, whose hair was greasy, and whose face was spotty and covered in a sheen of sweat – or so Kurt suspected) laugh.

"I take it you got into NYU, then?" he asked, quickly and efficiently diverting the conversation from his entangled love life. Chandler's eyes lit up some more at the prospect of talking about himself.

"Yes! Oh, wasn't that wait just _awful_! I swear, I nearly had a heart attack when the letter came! My entire fate enclosed in a little white envelope, and my mum made me wait until my family was all there! _Three hours_ of sitting there knowing that the answer to _everything_ is just a couple of feet away and yet not knowing what it is – actually thought I might die! But, obviously, I didn't, and now I'm here in the city of _dreams_! Oh! I thought I might die!" Kurt nodded along, getting a little bit annoyed by the way he kept saying he'd nearly died; he supposed the news of his dad's cancer was still near the forefront of his mind and was making him a little sensitive to that, even though he _knew_ – _really knew_ – that his dad was going to be okay. "...and the lessons are fantastic! Oh, and my dance instructor! Hot!" he almost _sang_ in a high pitched tone of voice, fanning himself, and Kurt, having just tuned back in, nodded rather blankly. "Seriously, a _killer_ physique and _definitely_ swinging our way, but far too many morals to ever start something! Still, a guy can dream, can't he?" Kurt nodded once more, beginning to feel glad that he hadn't contacted Chandler again – he was _really_ annoying.

"Hem hem," he looked away at the sound of someone clearly their throat and made eye contact with Adam, who was standing behind Chandler, which made the other boy to jump, and surveying the scene with a mildly confused frown.

"Adam!" exclaimed Kurt in relief. "Hi!" Adam raised his eyebrows, looking at Chandler with a rather alarmed expression on his face that said he'd probably heard him speak.

"Hi, am I interrupting anything?" Kurt shook his head, wanting to glare but more relieved by Adam's presence, and Chandler let out a small giggle, shooting Kurt a wink.

"I'll just be going! Bye Kurt! Bye Adam!" With that the hyperactive, motor-mouth practically _skipped_ away. Adam shot Kurt a disturbed look as they moved back to the table that was still, remarkably unoccupied except for Kurt's jacket.

"Should I be worried?" he asked as they sat down, Adam handing him the warm cup of coffee, and Kurt shook his head, feeling a little bit flustered.

"No! That's- that's just...it's just Chandler." Adam's eyebrows remained quirked in a curious manner.

"Dare I ask how you know him?" Kurt sighed, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of the coffee.

"I met him in a sheet music shop, and he just started talking to me..."

"And I'm guessing he didn't stop," commented Adam, glancing over in the direction that Chandler had gone and still looking rather disturbed by the whole encounter. Kurt snorted, shaking his head.

"No..." he sighed, taking another sip of coffee and then deciding that he might as well tell Adam the whole truth. "it's a little complicated, but basically, me and Blaine – my ex – weren't going through a great phase; he was acting really distant and everything, and Chandler just- he just paid me _a lot_ of attention and complimented me and made me feel really good about myself through our texts. Then _Blaine_ found them, and he got rather hypocritically annoyed with me and accused me of _cheating_ on him, and then he eventually admitted that he was just upset because I was going to go to New York and NYADA, and he was going to still be in Lima, and he just wanted to get used to life without me..." he trailed off, feeling wistful and angry at Blaine for reacting like that and then cheating on him. "Anyway, I severed contact with him because I thought he wasn't worth losing Blaine over..." he sighed, looking at the table.

"Kurt," began Adam, and Kurt looked up to meet his gaze, noticing the way that his head was tilted to the side and he was staring at him in a calculating manner. "would I be right in guessing this break-up was pretty recent?" Kurt sighed.

"Actually, it happened around the end of October so it's not that recent – it's just things were complicated and drawn out, and they're still "_unresolved_" but I don't really care about that anymore, or at least I'm trying to not care." Adam nodded in an understanding manner, and something about his silence spurred Kurt into talking; "The short of the long is that he cheated on me with some guy, and he came up to New York, and he told me this after he serenaded me with this rendition of the song he sang the first time we met, and he said he was sorry, and that it didn't mean anything, and he did it because he was lonely, and I wasn't there, and I didn't answer my phone all the time because I was working at _Vogue. com_! And he couldn't handle that so he went and slept with some other guy."

"Seriously?" demanded Adam, eyebrows arching. "But he was your _boyfriend_, surely he had to know that you getting a job at _Vogue_ is like a demi-god being allowed to live on Mount Olympus full time!" Kurt arched his eyebrow, trying to keep his mouth straight and the fact that he was so glad for Adam's presence in that second a secret by projecting an incredulous, _where-the-hell-did-that-come-from?-I'm-now-worried -for-your-sanity_ look onto him. Adam held up a hand, shaking his head. "Don't ask. What I mean, is that he was your boyfriend, and so it was his job to love you and to support you and your decisions. He failed in that, not you. This is on him." Kurt took a deep breath, heartened by Adam's words and knew he felt better for hearing them.

"I take that's you being astute," he joked, lips curling up at the sides in a knowing smile. Adam gave him a very serious nod, and they both shared the comfort of the private joke before Kurt decided that he was ready to continue. "and then his friend turned up at my apartment, and he started asking about this guy called Eli and whether Blaine had mentioned him and that Blaine was in trouble and that it involved someone else in the Warblers, and I was worried..." he shook his head. "That was a bad move on my part. We went down to see their performance of _Grease_, and I discovered he was all pally with the Warblers again even though they'd ditched him last year, and I overheard him telling them – Wes; the guy that turned up at my apartment, David and Sebastian – that it was his fault, and they kept insisting that it wasn't, and then they said it wasn't, and that they could help, and they knew, and he had some form of emotional breakdown, and he made them promise not to tell me, and they said they wouldn't."

"That's- that's a really jerk-ish move." Kurt snorted again, nodding in agreement to Adam's comment.

"Yep, anyway, I went back to New York, but this stuff was just on my mind, and I needed answers, you know? I _needed_ to know so my boss actually let me use her frequent flyer miles, and I came down for Thanksgiving. I went to Sectionals and watched the Warblers win, and Blaine walked off with them – Sebastian, David and Thad. I went the next day to visit him; to get answers, and Sebastian opened the door, only decent because of a towel." Adam choked on some coffee causing him to cough as he set his cup down.

"Did he know you were there?" he asked, and Kurt nodded, watching as Adam's expression soured and then became rather cold. "No offence or anything, but he sounds like a jerk." Kurt shrugged.

"Yeah, well, we had this argument about what had happened, and he _refused_ to tell me and said he was doing it for my good, and I remember just being so angry, mainly because of Sebastian, so I was yelling, and I think we were both crying. Then Sebastian came crashing in and said that Thad had tried to commit suicide, but he's okay now," he added hastily as Adam's eyes widened in alarm. "He came out to his parents and told them about this _thing_ – whatever it was – and-"

"Oh so he was the other boy they were worried about!" Kurt shot him annoyed glare for interrupting, even though it was proof that Adam was actually paying attention to him. Adam held up his hands. "Sorry." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, he was the other guy they were worrying about. So basically, that's about it, really; I just know that it was really bad what happened, and that, apparently, the reason Blaine didn't try to kill himself like Thad did was because...was because of me..." There was a heavy pause between them until Adam reached over and placed a hand on his forearm. Kurt hesitantly dragged his gaze from the pattern of flecked spots on the table, raking it over Adam's pale hand and the slight amount of foam that was hanging over the edge of his coffee cup, and finally up into Adam's eyes.

He was met with what he needed exactly: Adam's eyes were steadily fixed onto him; his expression was even if slightly concerned and his entire body was open and accepting. He somehow managed to exude an air of...Kurt couldn't think of he right word...there was just no _judgement_ in Adam at all. He didn't place blame on Kurt, or on anybody really. He was simply a silent presence that soothed Kurt's nerves that had been electrified by residual worry and care.

"You know, I'm thinking we should divert the conversation somewhere a little less sensitive, and a bit more happy." His cheerful grin lit up his face instantly at that as he removed his hand from Kurt's arm, and Kurt wondered how on earth he managed to turn that on and off like a light switch.

"It's fine; the story's basically finished. He moved back to Dalton after what happened to Thad, but I'm pretty sure that _Sebastian_ being there had a lot do with it. He seems happy as well..."

"Which you can't deal with because how can he be happy when something terrible as happened to him and he broke up with because it was best for you, and if you're not happy with the result than how can he possibly be?" Kurt snorted, rolling his eyes slightly and nodding.

"Yes, thank you, Mr Astute." Adam tipped his head in a gentlemanly gesture.

"You're very welcome Mr Hummel." They both shared a laugh at that, taking long gulps of their coffee, and then Adam's face fell into a frown. "Dalton...why do I know that name?" Kurt set down his coffee cup, frowning briefly before the answer hit him, and then he rolled his eyes because it was _obvious_.

"You saw the gay-pride protest with _Do You Hear the People Sing?_, didn't you?" Adam nodded, shooting him a look that said "_of course_", and Kurt arched his eyebrow back at him, telling him that he ought to be able to figure it out from there. Adam frowned for a moment before it hit him.

"Ohh! They were the school in the uniform – the ones protesting." Kurt nodded.

"Yeah, and the school they were at was McKinley – that was my old school – and they mentioned the New Directions in the description; that was my old glee club." Adam nodded. "And actually, you know there were three singers at the beginning-" Adam nodded once more. "-well the one that started it; that's Sebastian, the second soloist was Blaine, and the third one was Thad; the one who tried to kill himself. Oh, and the other two at the end were Nick and Jeff – they're all Warblers...that's their show choir." Adam nodded some more.

"So wait, your rivals are actually your friends?" he asked in a slightly bemused tone of voice. "When I set up the Adam's Apples I was told that show choir was highly competitive." Kurt heaved a huge sigh, shrugging.

"It's a bit complicated," he explained. "Basically, they were our friends for a year, and then they weren't, and now they're all friends again, I think. What happened was that in my Junior year, the Warblers were our competition at Sectionals, and I was being bullied _really badly_ by this one person, but it's fine, it's a long story, but he's okay now, actually. Anyway, I went and spied on the Warblers, and then I met Blaine, and he was really lovely to me, and I basically just fell for him in that instant, and he explained that Dalton had a zero-tolerance for harassment policy, which made it seem like heaven. Anyway, I eventually transferred there, and it was okay; a little bit restrictive, but I was safe and happy, and I got together with Blaine too, but I transferred back to McKinley before the end of the year. Then the next year, Blaine transferred to McKinley too, and then Sebastian came to Dalton. He was a _complete_ arsehole. He really just wanted to get Blaine into bed. He was so smarmy, and he has a stupid meerkat face, and-" Adam let out a spluttering laugh at Kurt's description, breaking out into hysterics. Kurt watched, eyebrow arched because Adam had never met Sebastian and so had no idea how much of an accurate description that was.

"Sorry!" said Adam, holding up a hand. "That's a brilliant insult! I need to remember that in case I ever encounter someone that resembles a meerkat, or is Russian and has a red/maroon dressing gown." Kurt arched an eyebrow, looking at him in a confused manner. Adam shook his head. "Sorry, right, yeah...That's a joke that you won't understand because we're in the wrong country... You were saying?"

"Well," said Kurt, still mildly perturbed by what Adam had just said. "a very long story short. We were having a competition between ourselves to see who got to perform Michael Jackson at Regionals, and he threw a slushee at me, but Blaine leapt in the way, and he needed surgery, and Sebastian could have blinded him, and then just before Regionals, he tried to blackmail us into not performing by photoshopping these pictures of my step-brother that have scarred me for the rest of my life, but he eventually back out when...You remember I said that the guy who bullied me really badly is fine now? Well, he wasn't so fine last year, and he was outed, and he tried to commit suicide, but he was okay, but that caused Sebastian to apologise and apparently change his ways." Kurt stopped talking, swallowing and breathing as steadily as he could because he had rushed through that without stopping for air. He took another long drink from his coffee and watched the long on Adam's face transition from one of attentive listening through to confusion before settling upon bafflement.

"So," he began slowly with a frown. "you're telling me that your ex-boyfriend is going out with the guy that almost blinded him?" Kurt nodded once, marginally pleased with the fact that talking about this was getting a little less painful each time he did it, although there was still a definite twinge inside of him that made him want to move the conversation on because he could handle discussing it, but lingering on the topic was another matter.

"Yep," he said, nodding again. Adam blinked a couple of times.

"That's insane," he commented, finally. "No, really, that's insane – your ex is insane. I mean, who in their right mind does that?" Kurt shrugged, deciding not to point out that, after whatever terrible thing had happened to him, Blaine probably _wasn't_ in his right mind all of the time. "Insane," muttered Adam again, shaking his head from side to side until the happy smile popped back onto his face. Kurt rolled his eyes at the expression, guessing that Adam was trying to alleviate any tension, and felt the urge to change track growing because he didn't really want to get into this anymore. He'd been incredibly honest with Adam, and he was really glad of that because now everything was out in the open because now Adam knew exactly what kind of baggage he was carrying around. In fact, that gave Kurt the right to ask;

"So what about you? Have you had a boyfriend recently?" Adam sighed, and Kurt could see the happy smile fall from his face. He felt bad immediately for prying even though he was entitled, technically, to the truth. "I'm sorry," he said, hastily, pulling out an understanding expression. Adam's smile jumped back onto his face, and he waved it away, taking a sip of coffee.

"It's fine, Kurt, fine!" he assured him in that lovely English accent. "Like you I've only actually ever had one boyfriend – we broke up just before I came to NYADA, and I haven't had a proper one since; only a couple of flings and one-night stands that didn't mean anything." He sighed again, that same downcast look falling onto his face. "I guess I understand how you feel because we had a really bad break up...There was a huge betrayal of trust..." Kurt tilted his head to the side, not saying anything so that Adam knew he was listening.

"It's kind of complicated," he admitted eventually. "but, essentially, I have a dual citizenship, right? I was technically born in the US, but then my parents moved back to the UK: my dad is English too, and he's a cellist, but my mum is from the US, and she's a singer – nothing major, she's mainly in choruses and back-up singers. They met here when they were working on Broadway, but anyway, they moved to the UK when I was one, and we stayed in London until I was six whilst they were working in the West End – that's the longest I've ever stayed put in one place, which is sad – but then they got divorced. Well, I say got divorced, that and the custody battle actually took about three years in total, and I was bounced around to different relatives between here and England whilst they went off and worked different jobs and danced around their various issues and crap. When I was nine, I came back to the US, and I stayed here with my mum – we didn't stay in one place, though because she was on tours a lot of the time, and she always took me with her – until I was twelve, and then my dad demanded me back. I was in England up until I was eighteen, but we started off in Manchester, and then when I was fourteen my dad wanted me to do my GCSEs and A Levels, which were a total waste of time, so he decided that we should stay put in London."

"GCS- what?" asked Kurt, eyebrow arching. Adam rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair and stretching.

"Yeah, General Certificate of Standard...Secondary..." he trailed off, frowning, as Kurt snorted in amusement. "Something Education. Okay, I don't actually know what the "_S_" stands for in that. Either way, they're these pointless qualifications that I have as well as AS and A levels...I think A levels are Advanced levels, but god only knows what the "_AS_" stands for." Kurt chuckled, smiling at him, as Adam shook his head, disparaging expression on his face.

"Why were they pointless?" he asked, eventually, guessing that the story of his boyfriend would be told out of this and that the tale he was telling now was relevant back-story. Besides, he could see Adam's familiar enthusiasm and confidence coming through and so this was obviously giving him the strength to get through the bad part. Adam rolled his eyes.

"I only applied for conservatoires, and they're really not that bothered about your grades. I mean, I know someone who got into the Central School of Speech and Drama, and the required grades were something like three Cs at A level, and they got one C, one D and a U, and they still got a place, and I know of someone else that got into the Royal Academy of Music and didn't have any grades because they just spent _all_ their time at home practising." Kurt arched his eyebrows, thinking that that sounded incredibly dull, and a tiny bit sad, because it was nice to have a passion and something you very talented at that, but it sounded lonely and depressing to _just_ be focused on one thing.

"What did you get in your exams?" he asked, intrigued by the older boy before him whose smile was dazzling and his gaze and voice combined rather hypnotic.

"Err..." he said, chuckling in a self-deprecating manner. "well, I did pretty well in my GCSEs – got two A*s in Music and Drama, naturally, and then As in both Englishs as well as French, Bs in Maths and History and two Cs in science, which I absolutely worked really hard to get and didn't spend the time I should have been revising for those learning lines for the various plays I was planning to audition for in the summer..." Kurt laughed, rolling in his eyes and smiling indulgently at him. "As for my A levels...well, when I decided I was going to be auditioning for drama schools the priorities sort of switched around from school work first, drama second to drama first, school work second. I got Bs in my ASs in Music and Theatre Studies, though, and a D in English lit...and an U in English language, but I didn't pay attention in those lessons or revise and turned up in the exam and got _very_ confused with the paper – I had no idea what was going on..." Kurt laughed some more, tipping his head back as he did so, vaguely wondering if he was making a fool of himself with all his giggling, but Adam was grinning and laughing too – Kurt wasn't thinking _at all_ about how _really_ loved the sound of that – and so he reckoned that made it okay. "It actually worked out pretty well for me in the end, though, because I managed an A in Theatre Studies, a B in Music, which was only because I did well in my performances and got a good AS mark, and a C in English, which was only because I revised the plays – we did Shakespeare, and I _loved_ it. I mean, I didn't study any of the poetry or the prose, but I did the plays well!"

"I believe you!" said Kurt in a tone of voice that might have come out as slightly patronising, but Adam just laughed at that so Kurt presumed it couldn't have been too bad.

"Well, anyway, sorry, I told you the story the long way round. The point is that jumping around all over the place left me, you know, kind of lonely, and pretty insecure, too. I learnt how to be the wonderfully charming man that sits before you today because it's the easiest way to make friends when you're new in school, and I got really into drama and music because it kept reality at bay. Even so, though, the friends I made I didn't keep, and I never really felt like I _belonged_ anywhere, and then I went to my last high school...It was actually a really great place; filled to the brim with Westminster and St Pauls rejects, but still a nice place. I got a boyfriend in year eleven – about the equivalent of Sophomore year, or 10th grade, whatever you want to call it – and he was just..." Adam trailed off, eyes glazing over, and Kurt knew that he was being zoomed back through the years to all the rose-tinted good days that he'd experienced. Kurt knew how easy it was to be sucked into the vortex of everything that they'd lost so he cleared his throat loudly.

"He was just what?" he asked, arching his eyes, as Adam jolted and fought for his cheery grin as he slipped over the emotions of everything that had happened to him.

"For about two years, he was just _perfect_: he gave me the courage to come out properly because he'd asked me out, he stayed up late rehearsing with me even though he had loads of work to do and hated musicals and wasn't a big reader, he came to every opening night of _every_ performance, and if my dad couldn't make it for whatever reason, he'd always be there in his seat so that I was never disappointed, he was there to comfort me if I got rejected and celebrate when I got a part however small..." he grinned, tightly, telling Kurt that he was still pained and haunted by whatever happened between them. "In return, I did whatever I could for him: I'd be by his side whenever he needed support against parent's homophobia, I practically learnt A level Biology and Chemistry – another reason why I failed English – even though I didn't understand it so that I could test him, I went to all his concerts and accompanied him on the piano when he solos on his oboe...We had our whole futures planned out before us: he'd do medicine at Cambridge whilst I studied at RADA, and even though we were in different cities we'd stay together, and we'd see each other every weekend, and it'd all still be perfect." He snorted bitterly, and Kurt nodded in agreement, eyes falling to the table surface at the painful reminder of his and Blaine's relationship.

"Plans that say everything is going to "_stay perfect_" are always terrible ones, aren't they?" he said, attempting a rather blithe tone of voice and missing completely, but it didn't matter because Adam's eyes were sparkling with laughter as his lips curved upwards, even though the rest of his face was still rather grave.

"Yes, exactly! Too bad that's a lesson you only get if you learn it through experience." Kurt nodded, rolling his eyes and tutting at the way the universe worked. Adam laughed, shaking his head and picking up a napkin. Kurt watched as he rolled up and began to twist it between his fingers seemingly without noticing. "So as you've _astutely_ pointed out, the plan was doomed from the offset, but we didn't notice things were going wrong until he got rejected from Cambridge. I say rejected, he got pooled first, but another College didn't pick him up. I mean, this isn't that surprising because it's _medicine_ at _Cambridge_, but he was still really upset about it. This was in January, but he did get an offer from Imperial College in London so things started to look up again, at least from my point of view because I was still going through the RADA – Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, did I say that earlier? I don't remember...never mind. – audition process. I didn't get rejected until May, but I got into NYADA, which my mum told me to apply for, in early June. I was really upset that we were going to have to be so far apart so I didn't tell him until after we'd finished our exams in late June. To say that he was upset about the situation like I was would be incorrect, he was more _furious_. He basically beat the crap out of me-" Kurt gasped, hand flying up to cover his mouth, eyes also bugging open, in horrified shock. Adam nodded, lips pressed together in a firm, uncompromising line. "-and told me that, apparently, it was my fault that he didn't get into Cambridge because I'd made him do all those rehearsals, and so I owed it to him, and so I had to turn down NYADA." Kurt let out a shaky breath, feeling slightly sick.

"How badly were you hurt?" Adam shrugged, shaking his head and looking over Kurt's shoulder for a moment before meeting his eyes.

"Pretty badly...I stumbled out of my house, and he was chasing me, and I remember wanting to get to the theatre that my dad was working at, even though I'm pretty sure he wasn't there at the time, and I don't remember what happened next because I blacked out at some point. I woke up in hospital three hours later with my boyfriend by my side. I was so scared when I saw him, and he told me that I had been hit by a speeding car, and that I didn't remember anything, and anything I thought I remembered was due to brain damage. He also said that because he'd "_saved my life_" that I owed him even more, and so I had to stay by his side...He also said my dad would never forgive me, or speak to me again, if I went to New York because I'd be siding with my mum...I have never been that frightened in my life, and I think I was tempted to go through with it, but then my dad wanted to speak to me alone, and he said that he'd found out from mum that I'd gotten into NYADA. He said he was really proud of me, which was surprising, and so I told him the truth. I had an emotional breakdown halfway through, and I think I went into shock when I reached the end because I blacked out again..."

"I'm so sorry," whispered Kurt, staring at him with wide, horrified eyes and taking his silence and distorted expression as an invitation to speak. Adam shrugged, casual expression appearing on his face once more as he dropped the napkin back onto the table.

"It's fine, but I learnt an important lesson, Kurt; we have a duty towards our boyfriends because that's how this thing works, but they also have an equal duty towards us, and sometimes, stuff just _isn't_ our fault – sometimes it really can be all on them. Michael conveniently managed to overlook the fact that I spent many sleepless nights, as I've previously said, helping him prepare for his interview and learning all that science crap. I did as much for him as he did for me." Adam shook his head. "My dad, and my mum too, they drilled it into my head after that incident that it wasn't my fault: there is pretty much nothing on earth I could have done that would mean I deserved getting hit 'cause you know what? As his long term boyfriend, actually just as a person, he has a duty to me and that does not in any way involve him harming me. It's the same with you, Kurt; your boyfriend had a duty to you to take care of you and not hurt you – he failed in that most fundamental duty, and it is really on him."

Kurt swallowed, incredibly moved by Adam's story, and utterly appalled at what he had suffered. Yes, Blaine's betrayal was a weeping wound; slowly healing but still oozing with pain, but it was nothing when compared to the treatment that Adam had endured at the hands of somebody that supposedly loved him. He could understand better, now, Adam's cheerful disposition; he kept himself on good terms with everyone whilst also keeping them at arm's length to prevent himself from harm. Kurt knew how that felt; to need people close but not too close, and he also felt a little bit of hopeful pride swell up inside of him because Adam was allowing him in very willingly. He understood what Rachel had said better now as well – things moved quicker in New York, and Kurt could already feel himself slipping and sliding down into the depths of romantic emotions that he would rather avoid, especially as Blaine was still in the mix somewhere down there.

"I'm really, really sorry," he said, finding himself unable to say anything more because saying that he understood would be wrong because he didn't understand what Adam had been through on any level. Adam reached forward, placing his fingertips against Kurt's. Kurt felt the tell-tale shivers run up his arm, similar to what he'd felt when he'd met Blaine but nowhere near as intense (he was ignoring his desire to analyse that), and he sucked in a nervous breath. Adam shot him a little smile.

"It takes a lot of time, Kurt, but I think you have a firm grasp on the fact that this is not your fault, and you're confident, and you're self-assured. I'm not going to lie; when I came here my self-esteem was at rock bottom, it was one of the reasons I founded the Adam's Apples, actually, because it was a way for me to interact with people in a manner that was open and honest whilst not being quite so..._real_ because it's not face to face talking – it's the conversation of the soul, instead. You, on the other hand, know that you are awesome. I get the feeling that you're going to be fine." Kurt smiled at him, knowing that Adam was being both honest and...not _true_, but Adam _understood_: he wasn't about to ply him with false platitudes because that never did anything.

"Thank you," he commented, tipping his head in gratitude. Adam beamed at him, that familiar, heart-stopping smile on his face.

"I'm glad that you've learnt how to take a compliment." Kurt arched one eyebrow at him and frowned with the other one, looking rather disapproving.

"I have never needed to _learn_ how to take a compliment because my naturally awe-inspiring grace and beauty, not to mention sublime taste in fashion, has meant that compliments are constantly showered upon me." Adam rolled his eyes, laughing and shaking his head.

"Sure, Kurt, of course," he replied, scathingly.

"Hey!" exclaimed Kurt in indignation, and they both kept up the pretence of hurt for a moment before breaking striaght back down into laughter.

It took until Adam went up to get more coffees for Kurt to fully comprehend what it had meant to have Adam's fingertips touching his as he could still feel the faint after touch of their presence like the last beam of the sun casting a deep purple line across the sky until the great orb sank to give some other part of the world its much needed light. He understood, then, when Adam had seated himself opposite him again after handing him the coffee, and their hands had resumed their previous position of being tip to tip that he had found the thing that he had been searching for; the act of their scant contact was the physical manifestation of the start of something new.


	30. Chapter 30

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Here it is; the long overdue conversation between Blaine and his dad. I hope there are no mistakes; I have literally read and re-read this chapter over and over because I feel like it has to be absolutely perfect (I'm not allowing for human error for some reason) to the point where my brain has slightly given in and I thought I'd written the phrase 'even though you shoot her all the time' - that was a worrying moment for me, until I realised I was misreading a u as an o. A huge thank you to everyone that has reviewed, alterted, favourite and read this story; your support is very much appreciated. I very much hope this chapter is a worthy successor of the cliff-hanger, and if you have any questions then don't hesitate to ask because I can waffle on about all my characters for ages!_**

**_As always, I hope you enjoy!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"That was when the world wasn't so big and I could see everywhere. It was when my father was a hero and not a human."_ ― Markus Zusak, _I am the Messenger_

* * *

"_Dad_?!" gasped Blaine, taking several steps away from the microphone, colour swooping up his cheeks, as his father clambered onto the stage, face a perfectly unreadable mask. His dad's clapping, which Blaine hoped was sincere as opposed to sarcastic though he couldn't be sure, came to an end as he stopped before Blaine, looking down on him with a remarkably even look.

"Blaine, it's been a long time since I heard you sing properly." Blaine nodded, mind whirring backwards through the years and all of the many times his dad had likely heard him singing along to the radio or in the shower until he remembered the last school play in Middle School in which he'd got the lead, and his dad had actually _come_. "You're better than I remember; better than Cooper." Blaine felt himself flush slightly as his compliment, mentally freaking out because he had not been expecting that and ducking his head.

"Yeah, um...thanks" he muttered, trying to sound casual even though his whole body was on edge because he was really scared and nervous. "um, what are you doing here?" His dad rolled his eyes, hands slipping into the pockets of his suit trousers.

"Your ex's father was very insistent on the matter. He came around, yelling about cars and love, and the only way to get him to leave so that I could get to my meeting on time was if I came here at this time – it seemed like a small price to pay." Blaine swallowed slightly, glancing around a little and wondering if Finn _and_ Burt were lurking somewhere in the shadows or off stage. "Though I have to admit, Blaine, I'm very disappointed that you couldn't piece this together on your own. You know, I thought you were meant to be the smarter one, but even Cooper got this." Blaine clenched his jaw, hands balling into fists on instinct, and squared his shoulders.

"I'm sorry," he muttered in a derogatory manner. His father's eyes narrowed into a glare that Blaine faced off to the best of his ability with an even stare.

"Don't take that tone with me, young man," his father snapped, and Blaine could feel his fingernails digging into his palms as he tried his very best to stand his ground. They were locked in a staring match for several seconds, neither prepared to give in, but then Blaine folded; his shoulders sagged, he deflated as he let out a huge breath to dispel the tension and his head bowed in submission. He couldn't handle all of the anger right now – he was too tired.

"Dad," he said in a resigned voice, looking up at his father with a weary expression on his face. "I don't get it. I mean, I get that you're pointing out the last time you ever said that you loved me, and I get that the car we rebuilt was the same one, but I don't get _why_." His father arched an eyebrow at him imperiously.

"You really have no idea why we rebuilt the same model of car? Christ! Cooper all but _told_ you when he had his self-righteous rant in the hallway." Blaine frowned, casting his mind back to that argument. It took a couple of seconds, but the sentence that had rung in his mind the first time he'd seen the car came back to him–

_…"No, _**_you_**_ made _**_your_**_ choice, and don't tell me you that you gave him chances to prove you wrong because all you did there was push and prod to see if you could find the person that you _**_wanted_**_ him to be…When was the last time that you told him you loved him?"…_

–and for the first time, he appreciated the connection that his subconscious had made far earlier; his dad had rebuilt the car with him because Blaine had _wanted_ that car. He'd done it because the boy he saw as his son had been utterly obsessed with it, and if he wanted to maintain the belief that Blaine had changed completely then the easiest way to do it and confront him with that was to give him the thing that his son had truly _wanted_ and watch as he rejected him and blew him off, and so he got concrete proof that Blaine was no longer his son. God, he was such an idiot! Why hadn't he seen that earlier? Sometimes, he _really_ hated his mind!

"Dad," he said, softly. "I didn't reject the car because I wasn't your son – I did it because I didn't remember this. It was a long time ago, and I was really upset at the time, and anyway," he said, shaking his head. "I don't understand why you gave it back to me. I mean, good for you, you found the proof that you'd been looking for that I wasn't your son, so why did you give it back to me?" His father's passive expression fell into one of momentary confusion before resuming its blank appearance. Then he shook his head.

"I didn't go looking for proof you _weren't_ my son; I went looking for proof that you _were."_ Blaine felt the wind be knocked out of him by the two phrases. He stumbled backwards slightly, mouth hanging open and mind reeling, because _what the hell was that meant to mean_? His dad had _wanted_ him to be his son? Wait! What did that mean? His dad- _what_?

"You were looking for _what?"_ he demanded, running a hand over his face and staring up at his dad with an utterly confused expression because what did that mean? His father gave him a cold look.

"You see this is my precisely reason for disliking you and your brother; you both insist that the world is personally out to get you, and that you are the victim in absolutely every situation. There is no possible way that I could have been attempting to reach out to you using what I knew of you from your childhood. No, instead, I had to be vindictively and wilfully trying to expel you from our family and turning you straight."

"Well what the hell was I _meant_ to think?" he spat back, voice rising in pitch and volume in frustration because his dad had told him on _numerous occasions_ that Blaine was not his son so how could he possibly _not_ have construed from that that he didn't want Blaine in his family? "You _keep telling me_ that I'm _not_ your son! You've made numerous jabs at my homosexuality and tried to push me towards heterosexual behaviour! _How else_ could I have _possibly_ taken your actions?" His dad's eyes narrowed, and Blaine knew that he was growing increasingly angry, but Blaine didn't really care because he was seriously pissed off too, and he kind of wanted to have a shouting match with his dad now.

"_You_ threw me out first, Blaine," he responded in a silently furious tone of voice. Blaine let out an incredulous snort, throwing his arms up in the air in disbelief.

_How_?" he demanded, scathingly.

"You threw out everything that you could possibly get your hands on that reminded you of me. You piled it all into a box and threw it out into the corridor. I was raised in a household, Blaine, far less liberal than my own. I had never _met_ an openly homosexual person before you came out. " Blaine choked slightly at his dad's words because, yes, Blaine had thrown the stuff out but that was _after_ his dad had told him that it was completely wrong to be homosexual and that it was a phase, and Blaine would grow out of into and become a real man.

"I threw that out because you rejected me," he said, firmly. "_You_ rejected _me_." His dad took a step towards him, the height difference making the move all the more menacing as he towered over him some more.

"How did you expect me to take your coming out, Blaine? Did you expect me to just accept you even though everything I have been told in my life goes against that?" Blaine swallowed, looking at the ground and for a moment feeling like that was too much to ask. But then he remembered Burt, and how readily he'd accepted Kurt even though that wasn't what he either wanted or had been brought thinking was right.

"Yes," he replied, firmly, looking up at his dad with a steely expression on his face that said he would not budge.

"Why?" demanded his dad in a dangerously soft tone of voice, but the genuine nature of that question caused all of Blaine's self-contained anger to burst back out of him again.

"_Because I'm __**your **__**son**_!"he screamed, smashing his hands into his chest, feeling the tears building up inside of his eyes once more and beginning to spill over his lids again. "_I'm your son_!" His dad shook his head, taking several steps backwards with a very fixed expression on his face.

"No, you _were_ my son. You're like him; you still want to please everyone even though you really ought to know that you know that you can't; you're still convinced that you are at the centre, in some way, of absolutely everything, but you're not my son. Do you want to know how I know that completely definitively? Why I'm sure – if you take the Chevy out of the picture – that you're not him?" Blaine nodded in trepidation. "Because _my_ son would remember the last time that I'd told him that I loved him because _my son _cherished my love for him instead of taking it for granted. And he _never_ would have thrown my love away like you did." Blaine swallowed, sniffing and wiping his eyes, and tried not to feel an overbearing sense of guilt.

"I didn't throw your love away," he began, slowly. "you took it away when I came-"

"That's not what I meant," interrupted his dad, shaking his head. "You threw the car away, Blaine. You threw it away like it meant absolutely nothing, and you threw it away in an attempt to throw off the apparent oppression of heterosexuality. You saw everything as being out to get you. My son never saw a line between anything; he saw the world as wide open and that he could do anything. You saw the car as representing masculinity and threw it away in an attempt to defy that." Blaine swallowed, completely unable to disagree with his dad on that matter because he _had_ thrown the car away both because it reminded him of his dad and because it symbolised stereotypical male past times. He'd never thought for a second that his father might see the car as a symbol of love and have an emotional reaction to Blaine's act of throwing it away, nor that his dad would hold so tightly onto the memory. "You're not my son."

"Dad," he began, tipping his head back and putting his hands over his eyes, exhaling heavily and attempting to remain in control of himself even though his limbs felt weak and feeble and were almost certainly trembling uncontrollably. "I had no idea that-" he broke off, knowing that that wasn't the right way to go about the conversation. He sighed, and then moved onto the next question that he had. "If you say that you know definitively that I'm not your son because I don't remember the last time you told me that you loved me, doesn't that mean that you've only known that I'm _really_ not your son since Boxing Day this year?" his dad sent him a glare.

"Of course not! I've known since you got angry at me when we were building the car and said that you hated it." Blaine frowned at him, and his father rolled his eyes in annoyance. "You forgetting about the memory as a whole was proof of that." Blaine frowned at him for a moment before shaking his head vehemently.

"Dad, I was _seven_! The car was just a car that I loved because it looked _cool_ and because you bought it for me when it wasn't a special occasion! It didn't _symbolise anything_! No seven year old looks at an object – let alone a _toy car_ – and sees its _metaphorical resonance_!" He ran his hands down his face in exasperation, and when he looked back at his dad he saw something shocking: his dad had frozen; his expression was caught in one rebuttal; his arms were stuck in the middle of gesticulating; his eyes were weirdly wide. Blaine tilted his head to the side. "Dad?" he questioned, nervously, and his dad jerked, breaking out of his stupor.

"That's not the point," he said in a clipped tone of voice. "You threw it out, you rejected me on numerous occasions." Blaine frowned at him, noting the slight change in his demeanour, almost as if he was sinking back to a baseless, fundamental defence. Blaine furrowed his brow even further, trying to piece what was going on together, and then, suddenly (and unexpectedly, if he was being honest) he got what the hell was going on: his dad was _hurt_! Blaine had _really hurt _his dad when he'd thrown the car out because Burt was right; his dad had held onto the picture, and he clearly held onto the memory too much, and Blaine forgetting about it and casting it aside had _hurt_ him.

"Dad..." he breathed, not at all sure what to say because he had never exactly considered his father's _feelings_ to be honest because he tended to think that his father couldn't possibly have them as a result of being such a bastard.

"What?" snapped his dad, and Blaine shrugged because he still hadn't thought of anything that he could say.

"Dad, did you really do all this in retaliation for me throwing away the toy car?" His father gave him a condescending look that challenged his sanity for asking that.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," and his quick defence only served as more proof for Blaine. "And even if I did, I still gave you a chance, Blaine, a chance that you rejected." Blaine swallowed, trying to stop anymore guilt from being shoved onto his shoulders because he hadn't understood that it was a chance, and why couldn't his dad accept that? His one offer of reconciliation had been warped and only made sense to _him_. He knew that there was going to be no shifting his dad from his point of view on that. He had to try another route.

"Why did you give the car and the picture to me? What did that achieve?" His father stared at him for a long moment, and Blaine felt his entire body tense as he waited for whatever answer his father decided he was going to deliver, knowing that there was a very real possibility that he would intensely dislike whatever may pass from his dad's mouth.

"This." Blaine blinked, staring at his dad blankly for the couple of seconds it took for his brain to process what his mind had said to him. Then he was stunned once more. His dad had wanted _this_. His dad had wanted them to be discussing this in a way that they never had before.

"Why?" His dad stared at him passively, blinking and giving nothing away. Blaine felt anticipation mixed with frustration well up inside him because they were _so close _to something _huge_, but his dad wasn't helping! "Dad, _why_?"

"Figure it out yourself, Blaine, for once, it's not hard."

_..."...You have a duty to this child to give it a proper family and home..."..._

_..."...What about __**your**__ duty to __**Blaine**__?...Huh? You just told me that I have a duty to __**my**__ child, what about your duty to __**your**__ child?"..._

_..."...He was the one that forced it into my head that family can actually mean something...I would be __**proud**__ – so __**fucking **_**_proud_**_ – if my kid grew up to be __**half**__ the person Blaine is because even when we're all jackasses to him, he loves us. You are so goddamn lucky to have that because I don't love you dad, but __**he**__ does. It's too late for me, I'm not changing my mind, but it's not too late with Blaine because Blaine will wait __**forever**__ for you to say that you love him too. So just __**say it**__. Get it out of your head that being gay changed Blaine it all, open your fucking eyes and eat your words."..._

"You're listening to _Cooper_?" he demanded, eventually, eyebrows arching in disbelief because since when did his dad listen to anything that Cooper had to say? His dad rolled his eyes disparagingly.

"I'm not listening to Cooper, I'm just acknowledging that the situation is one that I dislike as a result of Cooper's rant." Blaine arched his eyebrows some more, silently demanding whether that justification actually made him feel better about what his dad was doing. His dad shot him glare in response that told him to shut up. Then they both froze in surprise, eyes widening and questioning what the hell was happening if they were communicating silently like that.

"Okay," said Blaine, swallowing and trying to fully wrap his head around this mind-boggling situation. "so you don't like this situation, I don't like this situation, what can we do about it?" His dad shot him an appraising look that could have been filled with exasperation, but Blaine wasn't sure.

"You're still not my son," he said, and Blaine had to admit that it was beginning to worry him both how many times his dad had said that to him and the fact that he seemed to have no reaction to it anymore – he didn't want to be accustomed to that on any level. Then he straightened his spine, swallowing, and looked his dad right in the eye.

"How could I prove to you that I am your son? _Without_," he added, hastily. "renouncing my homosexuality because I can't do that, dad. I am who I am, and being gay hasn't made me a different person, or cutting back on the singing because, as proved by Cooper, singing doesn't make you gay because they're both the only things that I've been able to hold onto and not lose whilst everything around me changed." He shook his head. "I can't give that up, dad, and I _won't_." There was a long silence before his dad shook his head.

"I don't think I have any answers, Blaine, particularly because I don't know what I'm looking for." Blaine stared at him in utter confusion for a moment, completely unable to believe that his dad didn't know what he wanted, but then he thought he understood: his dad wasn't sure whether he wanted proof that Blaine being gay hadn't changed him, or if he wanted to know whether the seven year old was still inside him – or so he thought, he wasn't sure if they were the same thing or not.

"Okay," he murmured, examining the floor in thought, biting on the inside of his cheek. "but there is something you need to do," he said, eyes sweeping up so that he held his father's gaze once more. "You need to talk to mum." His father frowned at him, and Blaine knew that he was overstepping the boundaries of whatever the hell kind of new relationship had just appeared between the two of them. "She's drinking too much, and I'm worried about her." His dad's expression was darkening by the second, daring him to continue telling him how to look after his wife, but Blaine had started and he wasn't about to stop. "She said that she had problems with everyone – me, you, Coop, her siblings and parents – and at work. She's trying to blunt the edges, but this could get really out of hand, and you _have to_ do something." His dad took several swift steps forward so that Blaine's nose all but touched his chest.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me how to look after my wife," and Blaine knew that he was being reckless and wrecking everything that they had just worked through to reach wherever they'd just got to, but he had to do it.

"She's my mum too," he snapped back, backing away. "and she's trying _so hard_ to keep us together, and nobody thanks her, and she's _scared_ of you even though she's always in your corner and still believes that you're a _decent_ person!" His father's hand flew out, and Blaine didn't know what he'd been planning to do with it, but he never got the chance as Blaine, reacting on the instincts that fight club had honed into him, caught the fist with the palm of his hand. His dad looked stunned as Blaine clenched his hand around it, screwing up his face as he held on with all his might to stop his dad from touching him. "You know," he hissed through gritted teeth. "when I asked her if you'd hurt her the first thing she did was jump to your defence even though you _shout_ at her _all the time_!"

"This is not your concern, Blaine, and let go of my hand." Blaine glared at his dad, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm not letting go of your hand because otherwise you're going to cross a line, and do you want to know something interesting about Dalton?" His father glowered at him. "A state attorney's son is in my year, and we're _very_ close." His dad's glare intensified, but Blaine let go of his hand, backing up and holding his hands up in surrender, not letting any of his fear permeate his mask. "And it's my concern because _she's my __**mum**_, and _I **love** her_, and because- because-" Blaine's mind was going blank as he stared at his father's unchanging facial expression. "because..."

_..."How could I prove that I am your son?..."..._

_..."I don't think I have any answers, Blaine, particularly because I don't know what I'm looking for."..._

_..."Daddy!" wailed Blaine as he ran into his dad's office, tears brimming in his eyes and clutching a self-made card. Marcus Anderson, putting down his pen, looked over at his son and then ran a hand over his eyes, sighing heavily._

"_What is it, Blaine?" Blaine sniffed, heavily, bravely trying to hold back the tears that desperately wanted to fall._

"_Cooper's being mean, daddy! He's being mean to me!" The five year old stamped his foot, pouting, and began to cry properly and noisily. Marcus heaved a huge sigh and beckoned for his son to come over. When he was within reach, Marcus lifted him up and sat him on his knee, and promptly had his leg showered in glitter._

"_**Blaine**__, __**careful**__, I'm dressed for a **very** important dinner!" groused the lawyer, looking at his sparkling suit trousers. "What have I told you about dumping all the glitter on cards?" Blaine's bottom lip quivered, looking rather bashful through his tears. Marcus sighed, heavily. "Which room is covered in glitter this time?" he demanded in a weary voice._

_"No room!" exclaimed Blaine, instantly, the tears seemingly stopping. His father glared at him._

_"__**Blaine**__," he said in a warning voice. "which room did you spill glitter in? Don't lie to me, it's naughty!"_

"_**No room**__!" denied Blaine, loudly, beginning to cry again because he wasn't being believed and gesticulating with the card so more glitter rained down upon the father and son, as well as falling onto the papers on the desk. Marcus pinched the bridge of his nose as he took a falsely calm breath._

"_Don't shout at me, Blaine, and stop waving that – the documents are crucial, and this is my only tux!" Blaine looked at him with wide, watery eyes, sniffing reproachfully at his father's strict voice. "Where is the rest of the glitter, then?"_

"_In the sink!" he replied, brightly, and Marcus closed his eyes for a moment before looking back at his son._

"_Okay, I think I can live with that. Now why was Cooper being mean?" Blaine's bottom lip trembled. "No tears."_

"_He said mummy would hate my card!" he moaned. "He said she said...no, he said she can't read it... Now it's ruined!" _

"_Ignore your brother," replied Marcus, firmly. "He's just doing it to get a reaction from you. Ignore him. Now give me the card." Blaine handed the card over, and Marcus opened it to look at the illegible message. "Okay, we can fix this," he said, confidently. "Get me a piece of plain paper from the printer." Blaine hopped off his lap and ran over to the printer, pulling out a piece of paper, and then ran back over to him, climbing onto his dad's lap as his dad placed some scissors on his desk. Then Blaine watched with wide eyes as his dad trimmed the piece of paper to size and stuck it down with sellotape over the old message. "See," said his dad. "simple. Now write 'to mum' on the top." He handed Blaine a biro, and Blaine messily scrawled 'TO MUMMY' onto it. "And what do you want to say?" Blaine shrugged._

"_Cooper said my previous message was rubbish," he mumbled, and Marcus sighed heavily._

"_Don't mutter, and don't listen to your brother either. Why don't we start with 'happy mother's day'? I'll write, you think." Blaine nodded, and Marcus quickly wrote the familiar message onto the card._

"_Say she's the bestest mummy in the entire world, and I only have one mummy, but even if I didn't she'd be my only mummy 'cause she's the best, and that I love her much, much, much-" he began to count the number of 'muchs' on his fingers. "-much, much, much, much more than anyone."_

"_Okay," replied his dad, copying down what Blaine had said word for word and then pointed at the bottom of the card with the tip of his pen. "sign there." Blaine quickly wrote 'LOVE BLAINE' and then beamed at his dad._

"_Thank you, daddy!" he exclaimed, beaming at his father widely and hugging him round the neck before picking up the card, which had left a rectangle of glitter on the papers, and leaping from his father's lap, running from the room..._

"because," said Blaine, looking up at his dad with a renewed strength, a tiny smile curving across his lips. "she's the bestest mum in the entire world, and I only have one mum, but even if I didn't she'd be my only mum 'cause she's the best, and that I love her much, much, much, much, much, much, much more than anyone!" he exhaled, feeling triumphant, and his dad stared at him, eyes slightly wide. "I write that in every mother's day card and tag, every year without fail." He bit down on the inside of his bottom lip, wondering if that was proof enough for his dad.

"Please tell me you stopped writing '_mummy_'?" demanded his dad, arching an eyebrow, and Blaine found himself able to roll his eyes in reply. His dad nodded. "I think," he said, slowly. "that I need to have a conversation with your mother." Then he turned on his heel and walked straight out of the auditorium. Blaine blinked once, slowly, taken aback by his sudden exit. Then his knees went from under him. He slammed down onto the ground, palms flat against the stage and arms bracing him. He heaved a huge sigh, mind spinning, and he didn't look up at the sound of running feet.

"Blaine, you alright?" Blaine swallowed, knowing exactly which two people were crouched down by his side, and tried to get a grip on his racing heart and work out exactly how much had changed in that one conversation. He felt a hand grasp his shoulder tightly in support, and he took a deep breath before rocking back onto his heels and looking at Finn and Burt with a small smile, tears of gratitude shining in his eyes.

"What did you say?" he demanded, looking at Burt with an incredulous smile on his face. Finn patted his shoulder, obviously glad that he was able to talk. Burt shrugged, standing upright. Finn helped pull him to his feet, and after a couple of seconds, Blaine was convinced that his trembling legs would hold and shot Finn a look that said he could let go of his shoulder.

"I think I just gave him the shove he needed to start walking in the right direction. I pointed out that you were a great kid now, and so if you were great kid back then not a lot could have changed. I think the perfectly worded promise to not leave the situation alone was more than enough incentive to get him to come, but I also knew he needed to listen. I got the impression your dad had shut his ears, and that he wasn't listening to anybody because he'd made his decision, and he was going to stick to that decision at all costs, but, if he got the chance to just hear you out, he might find that there was plenty worth changing his mind over." Blaine ran his hands down his face, trying to ignore the immediate parallels that his mind had flagged up between his dad and himself, and then looked at Finn.

"And you thought of the singing?" he asked and was surprised to see Finn shake his head and nod back over at Burt. Blaine turned to him with a surprised expression before something that Kurt had told him came back. "Oh..._Rose's Turn_," he said, rolling his eyes. Burt nodded.

"You needed to be honest, Blaine, just like Kurt was then – all of his hurt and anger vented and laid bare in a way that a parent just can't ignore. You know, your dad could very easily have walked out of the hall at any moment, but he stayed, and I don't think that had anything to do with me, Blaine, that was you because your dad's your dad, and you were crying out for him and apologising for things that weren't your fault, and he couldn't ignore that." Blaine sighed, rubbing his face with his hands once more, still astounded and stunned by the situation that had been engineered.

"Burt just roped me in to help," piped up Finn. "He reckoned there was a better chance of you coming and venting properly if I suggested it, _and_ you really did need to vent. I mean, you look awful, and it's clearly tearing up so, you know, even if your conversation with your dad hadn't been as successful, it was still a good thing to do." Blaine nodded in agreement, raking a hand through his hair and exhaling gently.

"Yeah...I- how can I ever thank you?" he said, looking between them both because they had just forced open the back door to his dad's heart and enabled him to stick his foot in it, giving him a chance to reconcile with the man that he had believed was long gone. There had been so many revelations; too many for his brain to handle right now, to be honest, and that had all been because of them – but mainly Burt.

"You don't have to thank us!" exclaimed Finn, grinning at him. "We're friends!" and with that statement, Blaine couldn't work out whether he meant Blaine and Finn were friends, or Blaine was friends with _Burt_, which really wasn't how he would describe his relationship with his ex-boyfriend's dad. Burt snorted slightly, obviously picking up on Blaine's perturbed confusion, and no doubt amused by Finn's phrasing.

"You deserve this, Blaine," said Burt, firmly. "and you're going to say that you don't because of what you did to Kurt, and, yeah, you hurt him badly, but, you know what? You got hurt too, and besides, he's your dad, and you don't deserve to be put through hell by the man that's meant to love you unconditionally, so if I – _we_ – can help, than I will. Also," said Burt, shaking his head, face darkening slightly. "you don't have forever 'cause all sorts of crap happens; you've got to live in the moment, and if there's an opportunity to change the situation _now_, then don't waste it and say you'll do it tomorrow – just do it." Blaine frowned, glancing at Finn and noticing the way the taller boy had stiffened at Burt's words.

"You know, I should probably go to the gym and keep an eye on the dance. Bye Blaine!" Blaine had barely got a chance to raise a hand in farewell before Finn had darted from the auditorium. Blaine turned back to Burt with a concerned expression on his face. Burt sighed and shrugged.

"Might as well tell you this now, kid, 'cause you'll find out sooner or later...I have prostate cancer." Blaine genuinely felt the world around him spin. For a bizarre second, he thought he might actually faint. The words were ringing in his ears, but, _no_, it couldn't be true. Burt couldn't have _cancer_. He couldn't _die_. He was Kurt's awesome dad who was just _the best_ adult Blaine had ever met, and –_ God no_! – Kurt couldn't lose his dad! Kurt relied so much on him, and he loved him even more, and it would devastate him, and this was absolutely- "_Blaine_!" snapped Burt, pulling Blaine out of his tailspin of horrific thoughts. Blaine shook his head, attempting to dispel the panic, and sniffed, hoping that tears weren't pooling into his eyes like he strongly suspected they were.

"I'm so sorry!" he exclaimed, and Burt, honest-to-God, _rolled his eyes_. Blaine stared at him in shock.

"For crying out loud!" said Burt, shaking his head. "Why do all you kids just assume the worst? I say "_cancer_" and you all think _death_ – not everybody that has cancer dies, Blaine, and certainly not me. It was caught really early, local stage, and I'm going to be fine, and _no_, I am not just saying that. The cure rate is really high for this. You can Google it if you don't believe me." Blaine exhaled, shaking his head.

"No, I believe you. I just-" he faltered, not sure he could quite say to the man before him exactly how much he meant to Blaine. Blaine was far closer to him than he could ever have possibly predicated, and Burt was way nicer to him than his original death threats had suggested he could be. "I just- you know, Kurt..." he said, eventually, feeling embarrassed and not at all keen of voicing his real feelings to him. It felt stupid to be so reliant on the father of the boy whose heart he broke. Burt frowned a little bit before nodding.

"Yeah, well, Kurt knows, and he's freaked out about it, but he's accepted it, and he's fine." Blaine nodded, swallowing. He suddenly felt incredibly awkward and was terrified that if he stayed another second he may say something far too honest that he would regret for the rest of his life. He knew he really needed to run right now.

"Oh, okay...that's- that's really good...um, you know, I need to get back to Dalton...curfew and Warblers and – _crap!_ – my English essay!" he slammed his hand against his face, having genuinely forgotten about that essay until he was desperately scrabbling for an excuse to leave. "Oh Mrs Henderson's going to kill me!" Burt chuckled at him.

"Okay, kid, you better run along." Blaine shot him a grateful smile and pelted from the auditorium, dodging through the crowds of students and ignoring someone – he reckoned it was Sam – shouting his name because he couldn't talk right now, and didn't stop running until he got to his car. He didn't exactly know what he was trying to run away from, but he certainly wasn't trying to get back to do his English homework. No, he just knew that he had to get out of McKinley, and away from all those _fucking people_ that were being _so fucking nice_ to him even though he had totally screwed up! And why were they being like that, and why couldn't he focus on the fact that he and his dad had just crossed a huge bridge and maybe things were going to be okay with his mum too?!

Except he knew why. He knew exactly what was plaguing him as he pulled away from McKinley and high tailed back towards Dalton. He knew what was racing around and around and around his mind and making him feel like shit: in all those scenarios, on all counts, he felt like a fraud. He was lying to everyone. _Everyone_: Kurt, the New Directions, Finn, Burt, Cooper, his parents, Nick, Jeff, Trent, the Warblers and all of Dalton and – _god fucking damnit_ – he was trying to lie to Wes, David, Thad and Sebastian, and most importantly _himself_. He had no perceivable control over the situation so all he could do was lie...

* * *

Blaine's phone chimed as he got to Dalton. He quickly parked the car in his regular spot and hopped out, withdrawing his mobile from his pocket as he headed towards the boarding building and bed. The two hour car journey had soothed his mind and enabled him to regain some form of calm and self-control. The last thing he wanted, after all, was to explode at one of his friends and say far more than he was willing to share.

Rubbing his tired eyes with his free hand, he vaguely acknowledged that he had received a text from his dad, which he took as a huge sign that things were changing because his dad _never_ texted, or even contacted, him normally. Opening it eagerly, he scanned the insanely formal, grammatically correct and perfectly punctuated message he'd been sent;

_I've spoken with your mum, and I've found that you were right on both counts – your mum is in desperate need of assistance that I am more than capable of providing. Do not interfere further, though your concern is appreciated. Given the seriousness of this, I'm imposing a moratorium on the matter until the holidays to prevent a negative impact on your work. On the second count, perhaps my son is salvageable at a lesser cost than we have predicted-Dad_

Blaine, rolling his eyes and laughing at the way his dad texted, and just sort of _knowing_ that the incredibly formal tone was being used to prevent any kind of emotion being transferred and thus spoke more about his emotional turmoil than any informality, broke into a run. He dashed, grinning like a madman, into their common room, flying past all the other boys and went charging towards his bedroom, feet pounding up the stairs. When he reached the second floor, he began to yell David's name at the top of his lungs and went charging into their room at full speed.

He immediately ground to a halt at what he saw, the smile dying from his face as instantly as candle being snuffed out. David sat on his bed, elbows propped on knees and bent forward with an over-composed expression on his face. Nick and Jeff sat in the desk chairs with wide, tearful eyes and Trent stood by the door with his arms folded, mouth set in a grim line. Thad lay face down on Blaine's bed. Sebastian was conspicuously absent.

"What's going on?" he asked, voice dropping to that of a whisper. "Where's Sebastian?" There was a moment of complete silence before David shifted, sitting upright and fixing an incredibly serious look upon Blaine.

"Thad and Sebastian had an argument," he stated, and Blaine, heart pounding wildly and _knowing_ something terrible had happened, turned back to look at Thad in terrified trepidation.

Thad raised his head from where it had been buried in Blaine's pillow. Very slowly, he rotated his head towards Blaine. The sight that met him made his racing heart stop.

The area above and around Thad's left eye in a large, sweeping circle was a brilliant, dark crimson except for directly beneath the eye which was a deep shade of purple. Thad blinked once and winced in pain, covering his black eye with his trembling right hand, but the image of the bruise was all too clearly emblazoned in Blaine's mind.


	31. Chapter 31

**_Dear readers, _**

**_Hello again! I bring you now my version of 'Naked', and this is sort of the other way that I'm going to do Kurt's story when it's canon, I think; writing sort of "missing" scenes that fit relatively speaking into the plot of the episode. I also promise you another update on Saturday where you will find out, sort of, what happened to leave Thad bruised, and hopefully I should update relatively quickly after because I went a little overboard on the writing because that chapter flowed into the next of Blaine's chapters which overflowed into the next so I'm really far ahead in Blaine's storyline, but that leaves me, like, three chapters behind in Kurt's although I'm hoping that I can write those quickly! _**

**_Anyway, an especially big thank you to everyone whose reviewed, favourited, alterted and read because, basically, it's complicated and long, but when I was talking to my therapist (side note: almost out of therapy; yay!) we realised my self esteem has gone up, and I would say that you're a big reason for that happening because this is the story I update the most frequently, and I think is most popular, and having people read your story, and enjoy it, and like it, and everything, makes you feel great! So thank you for that! I very much appreciate your inadvertent actions!_**

**_Oh, and to Chrisch; you asked if Blaine thinking about his lying means he's close to telling someone or if it shows he feels helpless, and I'm afraid it's really the latter. The problem with lying, especially like Blaine has done, once you start it's very hard to stop because you keep lying, and everything snowballs, and you accumulate a sense of fear, and it feels much harder to stop because you know they're going to be angry that you repeatedly lied to them, and you don't want to face that so you keep lying, and so, yes, he feels helpless and trapped by his lies, and the easiest, and best, way out that he sees is really for him to just keep lying. Sorry! It's lovely to hear from you, as always, though!_**

**_Okay, the long author note is now over! Enjoy!  
Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"I wondered how many people there were in the world who suffered, and continued to suffer, because they could not break out from their own web of shyness and reserve, and in their blindness and folly built up a great distorted wall in front of them that hid the truth."_ ― Daphne du Maurier, _Rebecca_

* * *

"You know, it's really _not_ that I have anything against Brody living with us; he's a perfectly nice guy, and he makes Rachel incredibly happy, which she deserves to be, especially after the mess that her and Finn went through and all that '_giving her freedom_' crap, but the fact of the matter is we're _sharing_ the apartment. That means it's _ours_, not just hers. She should at the very least have _consulted_ me on the matter. She should have _called_ me when she made the decision, but, _no_, I just go home and get announced to that we have a new roommate!"

"Terrible manners," agreed Adam, nodding as they made their way along the corridor together. "Absolutely terrible of her, not that you would have said no, right?" he asked, quirking his eyebrows at Kurt. "'Cause, you know, she could have been worried of you saying no. That is, like, _the_ main reason for delaying telling people anything." Kurt rolled his eyes at Adam, shooting him a disparaging look.

"Of course I would have said yes! And I'm very sure that she would know that I would say yes because I'd already told her that if she was happy, I was happy. It's the _principle_ of the situation that upsets me! I should have been consulted on the matter, or at least informed in advance!"

"Naturally," agreed Adam again, and Kurt smiled, keeping the wideness of his grin on the inside, and then shot his companion a wry look.

"You know, just because we're friends, doesn't mean you have to agree with _everything_ I say...although I don't really have anything against it – its a nice ego trip, not that I really need it, of course." Adam snorted, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"I'd never dream of insinuating _that_, and I like to think that there is more to us then _friends_. I mean, I'm relatively insulted by the label. Can't we at least be _good_ friends?" Kurt, who had blushed quite a bit at the former part of Adam's speech and at the insinuation buried there, rolled his eyes at the latter half and let out a faux-exasperated sigh.

"_Fine_, you know, just because we're _good_ friends, doesn't mean you have to agree with everything I say...although I don't really have anything against it – it's a nice ego trip, not that I really need it, of course." Adam laughed, nodding with a satisfied expression on his face.

"That's much better, thank you." Kurt nodded, and the two of them shared a laugh as they continued to walk around in a manner that Kurt knew was becoming increasingly aimless. "So, are you going to do anything about it?" Kurt arched an eyebrow, questioningly at him. Adam shrugged. "I don't know, are you above petty revenge?" Kurt shot him a venomous look that hid his amusement at the situation and then let it transition into one of lofty disdain. "I wouldn't know," continued Adam. "I have only known you for so long." Kurt found himself smirking as he turned to look at Adam.

"Maybe I should just keep you guessing," he said, smirk growing wider as he pushed open the door and sidled through with his familiar grace, leaving Adam on the other side. He continued walking down the corridor, waiting for Adam to come chasing after him at some point.

"Wait Kurt!" he smiled widely as he heard the sound of Adam running to catch up with him. He didn't slow down, leaving the English boy to overtake him, coming to a stop before Kurt and forcing him to cease walking. Kurt looked at him with an arched eyebrow. Adam chuckled. "So, are you above petty revenge?" he questioned. Kurt rolled his eyes, wondering why they were doing this. He couldn't explain why, but he was enjoying himself in this conversation, it felt a little bit – _a lot_ – like he was flirting with Adam, and he liked that feeling a lot.

"Why are you so interested?" he asked, arching an eyebrow. Adam shrugged, pulling out an innocent expression.

"Just curious to know a little bit more about Kurt Hummel, and if I remember rightly, a certain Kurt Hummel also has a lesson to go to in about – ooh – five minutes." Kurt frowned, having lost track of the time whilst wandering the corridors with Adam, and then pulled out his phone and saw that Adam was right. "And this same Kurt Hummel also has a hatred for unpunctuality." Kurt rolled his eyes, understanding now that Adam had plans to block his path until he had his answer. Kurt sighed heavily, giving out the air of defeat and someone that had been greatly put upon.

"Okay," he said, sighing once more. "there was no petty revenge." Adam's expression fell.

"Shame," he commented, stepping to the side to let Kurt pass.

"For Rachel and Brody," he finished, sending Adam as wink as he sauntered past, not bothering to hide his gigantic smile. He could hear Adam chuckling where he'd left him. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face as he walked to his lesson, or in fact throughout that entire class because the conversation with Adam had left him feeling all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

* * *

"_Kurt_!" Kurt whirled around, having come to an abrupt halt, and fixed an angry glare onto whomever had decided it was a good idea to yell at him – Adam. The blonde, who had been jogging towards him, came to a stop, head retracting on his neck and tilting to the side in confusion. "Whoa...you have an awesome bitch-glare, did anyone ever tell you that?" Kurt felt his glare almost dissolve into a flattered smile at Adam's words, but he somehow managed to keep together an angry exterior. Adam held up his hands. "O-kay...let's walk and talk," he said, casting an arm around Kurt's shoulder and beginning to drag him away. "what's up?" Kurt rolled his eyes, letting out a huge huff of a sigh, trying to pretend that he didn't like the feel of Adam's arm around his shoulders.

"It's Rachel," he explained, letting out an exasperated sigh that sounded more like a hiss as the air passed through his clenched teeth. "well, it's not just- no, it is Rachel. Firstly, her boyfriend has no sense of decency. I mean, he is always walking around practically _naked_ – would it _kill_ him to put a shirt on? Is he allergic to _every kind of fabric_ that is used to make t-shirts?" Adam snorted, and Kurt rolled his eyes slightly, wondering why he always found Kurt's insults amusing. Either way, his lack of talking meant that Kurt was free to continue ranting. "You'd think for an actor he'd be _adaptable_ and _versatile_, but, no, he's just got one mode: '_look at me I'm a human sized Ken doll! I'm plastic come to life! And all I can do is show off my figure because I am nothing else!_'"he let out an annoyed puff of breath as Adam began to laugh in a manner that was a little bit confusing to Kurt seeing as he _was_ in the middle of a ruthless, verbal demolition of someone that was technically his friend.

"Sorry," said Adam. "I know, um, you're angry, but, you know, I like you when you're angry – it's hilarious." Kurt arched an eyebrow at him in scathing disbelief.

"That is not what people normally say to me when I'm angry." Adam shrugged.

"What do people normally say?" Kurt paused for a moment, having not been expecting to have that shot back at him as a question.

"Piss off, or you're wrong, or something not to do with my levels of hilarity." Adam shrugged once more, pulling a casual expression that said he did not care what other people normally did around Kurt when he was angry.

"Well, not everybody else finds you attractive when you're angry." Kurt almost choked on his breath at Adam's words and gave a small cough, covering his mouth with his hand and hoping that Adam hadn't seen the corners of his mouth tweaking up into a smile, or noticed that he was flushing. "Now come on, your first rant started with '_firstly_' so what else about your roommate/best friend/mortal-enemy-at-the-moment is pissing you off?" Kurt, shaking away his flattered embarrassment and questions of just what he was doing with Adam, rolled his eyes.

"Rachel's landed the lead part in some student film, right? And that's fine; that's great, you know, it's another good opportunity for her, but she's _agreed_ to do a _topless_ scene! A _topless_ scene! On what level does she think that's a good idea? I mean, she's sacrificing her _dignity_, her _decency_ and a perfectly good reputation for what? What does she gain? And, more importantly, what happened to the Rachel Berry that I knew in high school that would, on no level, be okay with doing this? What happened to that? I cannot even begin to voice my moral indignation about the situation! I can't believe that she's going this far to get a little bit of fame!"

"What are you going to do about it?" asked Adam, and Kurt blinked at him in shock, having not really thought that there was anything he could do about it because Rachel was stubborn as hell and had _Brody_ supporting her and had shut her ears and had also stopped listening to what Kurt had to say. "Seriously, if you think this is really bad for her and could damage her future or whatever, then you have to do something. I mean, is she or is she not your best friend?" Kurt nodded, listening. "Then you have to do something."

"Yes, but she's not listening to me! She thinks that she knows everything! Besides, _Brody's_ on her side, and he's got more '_experience_' in the matter! What can I do?"

"Make her listen!" exclaimed Adam, shooting him a grin. "You know, stage an intervention or something! Just do it better than my dad," he commented. Kurt shot him an intrigued frown, and Adam rolled his eyes. "When I was first at my last school I didn't realise that it wasn't such a bad place, and I'd actually enjoyed Manchester so I was pissed off. I mean, I was still charming to the other boys, but I never did work or anything, and all the teachers hated me. Anyway, my dad's idea of an intervention is all of the other members in his orchestra holding their instruments – or sticks/mallets if they played percussion, and I don't remember what the pianist was holding, but anyway – standing in the sitting room and shouting intervention when you turn on the light. That was all it was. They shouted one word at me and then left, my dad included." Kurt laughed as Adam rolled his eyes. "Shittiest intervention _ever_." Kurt continued to chuckle in amusement.

"Okay, I'll bare that in mind," he said, nodding sagely. Adam snorted a little bit, shaking his head.

"I hope you do. Now, unfortunately, I have a lesson to go to. I'll see you at the Apples later." Kurt nodded, waving at him before watching the older boy recede in size along the corridor. Then he turned his mind to the problem of who to get for the intervention. It would obviously have to be someone from the New Directions that had graduated and Rachel might actually take their advice. He mulled it over for a second before he felt a light bulb appear above his head: _Quinn_ and _Santana_! Rachel might actually _listen_ to Quinn's advice, and well, Santana was Santana; a force to be reckoned with on all accounts. If they were both on board then the plan actually had a chance of working.

Kurt grinned to himself as he pulled out his phone, making a mental note to buy Adam coffee every day for the rest of the _year_ if it worked out for the best. He scrolled down to Quinn's name and clicked on it, raising the phone to his ear whilst he listened to it ring. He waited for a while until he heard her pick up.

"Hey Quinn, it's Kurt!" he heard the sound of her sighing and knew that she was rolling her eyes.

"_I have caller id, Kurt."_ Kurt rolled his own eyes in response.

"Right, of course you do. Look, I'm just going to cut to the chase – I need your help to do with one Rachel Berry."

"_Is she okay?"_ demanded Quinn, instantly. _"She's not decided to get married again, has she? Oh god, tell me she's not pregnant!"_ Kurt snorted, amused by what Quinn assumed was wrong when Kurt called her about Rachel.

"No, she's not getting married again."

"_Good, 'cause I heard Brody had moved in with you, and because it's Rachel you never know what's she's going to decide to do next!" _Kurt snorted once more, nodding in agreement.

"True, and speaking about not knowing what she might do next, I kind of need help to do with her next plan. She's in a student film, and she's agreed to do a _topless_ scene! I need you to talk her out of this!" There was a long pause, and Kurt frowned, hoping that she wasn't about to tell him that she wasn't going to help.

"_We are talking about the same Rachel Berry, right?"_

"Short, big nose, loud, obnoxious and bossy but undeniably talented when it comes to singing?"

"_Okay, it's the same Rachel Berry, but are you serious?"_

"Deadly," replied Kurt. "She's not listening to me, and for some reason, probably because of his own casual nudity, Brody is all for it, so I was thinking an intervention starring you and Santana. Are you in?"

"_Absolutely. Rachel can be beyond annoying, and she's even more stubborn, but some of us have to try and stop her from making mistakes. Besides, only an idiot would incur the wrath of Santana so as long as she's on board then I doubt it can go wrong." _

"Excellent," said Kurt. "alright. I'll call Santana and text you with the details."

"_Okay – just make sure she doesn't film that scene before we get there."_

"Will do," he said. "See you later!"

"_Bye Kurt!"_ Kurt hung up on her and scrolled a little bit further own his contacts list to Santana's number and quickly called her. The phone began to ring, and Kurt waited impatiently, tapping his foot against the floor until she picked up.

"_To what do I owe the pleasure, Hummel?"_ Kurt rolled his eyes, smirking a little at the sound of her voice.

"Hello Satan," he replied. "I need your help with Rachel. I need you to talk her out of doing something _very_ stupid..."

* * *

"Did you call Quinn and Santana here to do some form of '_intervention_'?!" Kurt closed the door to their apartment and was faced with a rather furious looking Rachel Berry; hands on hips, eyebrows arched threateningly and mouth pressed into a firm line. Kurt casually shredded his outermost layer.

"Yeah," he admitted, stepping further into the room. "I asked for their help to stop you from making a big mistake." Rachel's glower deepened and intensified.

"I don't _need_ your help, _Kurt_!" she snapped, eyes glinting, and Kurt sucked in a huge breath, telling himself to be patient, and exhaled slowly before staring at her evenly.

"Look, Rachel, I don't want you to do something that you're going to regret later, and seeing as you haven't listened to me at all then I thought maybe it was time to bring in the cavalry." Rachel let out an angry huff.

"I know _exactly_ what I'm doing, Kurt! Don't think was an easy decision! It wasn't! I was torn about it, but I've decided that if I'm going to go anywhere I have to be prepared to put myself on the line; to take risks, and just because I'm more flexible and versatile as performer then you doesn't mean you should drag me down about it! I get it, Kurt, you're new, and it's not easy to see me getting all these roles-" Kurt snorted, derisively, amazed by her cheek. "-but we're _friends_, Kurt, and that's why I thought you might be supportive not meddlesome and interfering!" Kurt shook his head, clearly understanding that her ego was going to make this conversation problematic.

"Look, Rachel, I don't _care_ what you've told yourself to justify this, but you're right we're friends, and as your _friend_ it's my duty to try and look after you! It's okay when _you're_ telling _me_ not to do something because '_career suicide_', but when _I'm_ telling _you_ suddenly I'm being '_meddlesome'_, aren't I?" Kurt shook his head, sending her an ice cold look as she stared at him in silence, clearly having never even _considered_ that there were parallels between the two situations, and then moved swiftly past in her into his own room, slamming the door shut like a child throwing a temper-tantrum, not at all pleased at the way her words had set off a thousand different thoughts whirring in his mind.

* * *

Kurt sat down on the edge of the stage, allowing his legs to swing before him, and bit down on the inside of his lip. He had no idea what was wrong with him, but he couldn't escape the feeling that perhaps he had made a wrong decision somewhere in his bid to do the right thing for Rachel even though he was absolutely right about the fact that a serious actress, especially one that wanted to be on Broadway, did not need to strip to get herself roles and parts. The only thing that she would gain through doing this role would be the beginner skills of a porn start, which might possibly come in useful if her proper career imploded around her. However, the Rachel he knew would fight back against the fall and claw her way back into recognition and not just seize any opportunity thrust at her and happily settle for exposing herself indecently to the rest of the world.

"Kurt?" Kurt looked up from where his gaze had been mostly focused on his laces and saw Adam coming through the door. As always, the lead Apple was early for their rehearsal, and he bounced down the aisle, walking around Kurt so that he could drop down on his left side and look at him with a questioning expression. "So what's bothering you now?"

"What are you? My counsellor?" he demanded, and Adam laughed, shrugging.

"I can be whatever you need me to be...unless it's got fur 'cause I'm allergic to that, or a spider – god I hate spiders." Kurt let out a small chuckle at that, ducking his head as he grinned and took in the sound of Adam's laughter.

"Funnily enough, I don't think I'll be needing you as any other creature but a human. I mean, for one, you probably wouldn't be able to understand what I was saying." Adam nodded sagely and then bumped his shoulder into Kurt's, shooting him a grin and inviting Kurt to talk. Kurt exhaled a little bit and put his hands on his thighs. "I can't escape this feeling that I have that maybe I've not done the right thing." Adam frowned, and Kurt sighed. "I mean, I don't think it's a good idea to go topless in a student film – or in any film, really – but, I mean, Rachel is taking risks, and I can't help but worry that maybe my..._conservatism_ towards things like that could potentially hold me back. I mean, Rachel is prepared to do _whatever_ _it takes_, and I'm not. I'm not prepared to sacrifice my morals, and if I'm not prepared to do that then maybe- maybe I don't want it enough, but I _have to_ because this is my _dream_, and if I don't want _this_ with every fibre of my being then I might as well just quit because the people that are going to succeed are the ones that want it _totally_." He shrugged, sighing and shaking his head. "And, also, my baseline defence of my view is that this is not the Rachel Berry I knew in high school – she's changed _a lot_ – but maybe that's not a bad thing. I mean, she's wholly accepted this idea that things move quicker here, and she seems prepared to let herself be taken whichever way this New York current fancies taking her instead of trying to control the tide like she normally would, and like _I_ want to. I thought that was a bad thing, but maybe it's not. Maybe I'm just holding onto what I know too hard because I'm scared, and if I'm scared that means I have doubts, and if I have doubts – doubts about changing, about whether this right, what to do – then maybe I don't want this enough, and as previously said, I _have to_ want this enough..."

Kurt sighed, bowing his head and taking in a huge breath of air and exhaling almost immediately, glad that he had got all of that off his chest, but also worried about what Adam might say. Adam had left no doubt in Kurt's mind that he was on _his_ side, but he knew that Adam also wasn't afraid to speak his mind, and if Kurt was wrong or stupid or anything then he knew that Adam would likely point it out and leave Kurt feeling even worse about the situation.

"Kurt," said Adam, reassuringly, placing a hand onto his shoulder. "you need to relax." Kurt looked over at him, trepidation gone, and arched an eyebrow in confusion. Adam rolled his eyes and shot him his easy smile. I mean it, you really need to take a chill-pill, or something." Kurt arched his eyebrow further, and Adam rolled his eyes again. "Okay, fine, don't do that; the point is that you being _here_ shows that you are prepared to take risks. I mean, if Carmen Tibideaux announced that I was going to be performing a solo at the Winter Showcase out of the blue, I would have freaked out and performed the flashiest number that I could think of. You, on the other hand, kept your head and went for a _pop song_ that contained emotions as deep as the ocean...crap, simile, I know, but I'm improvising here!" Kurt snorted, laughing. "I mean, think about it, Kurt, you filled that song with depression and defeat and sadness and longing, and _then_ you juxtaposed it with hope and life and fight and belief, and it was literally _the_ most incredible performance because all those different emotions connected with every single person in the hall because we've all felt at least _one_ of them because we're humans, and we have a _huge_ capacity for emotion. I mean, we feel so many conflicting things all the time. I remember, when I heard it I was so painfully reminded of Michael at the beginning; _This is the way you've left me/I'm not pretending/No hope, no love, no glory/No happy ending_, because that was _me_ in that hospital room when he was there, and I thought I'd be trapped with him _forever_, and then; _Little bit of love_, was my dad saying he was _proud_ of me for getting into here, and I had hope just like that, and I felt _all_ of that when you were singing. You took an incredible risk out there, but it paid off because it was _you_, and that leads to my next point, but I really need to breathe so just give me a second!"

Adam heaved in a huge breath, closing his eyes slightly, before he exhaled, shoulders sagging a little bit, as Kurt peered at him with wide, curious eyes, amusement sparkling in them a little as the corners of his mouth turned up at the way his speech had ended. He felt stronger, though, for having the things that he already knew inside of his head presented to him by someone who _felt_ it – really _believed_ in Kurt – and he was suddenly struck by how much he had missed having someone like that that wasn't his dad; another person that was by his side that really _got_ him and totally believed in him, and he was alarmed by how quickly his mind was descending towards emotions and Blaine, and he _really_ hoped that Adam was going to start talking again some time soon.

"Okay," said Adam, turning back to him with a grin. "I'm ready. My next point, you are _you_, Kurt. You're a success all on your own, and you are your own person. There's no point changing because you think that's what is needed. If you do that then you risk losing your individuality; your spark, and becoming some purpose built acting-bot – like a gay, slimmer, all round more attractive Ken doll that's just there as a bit of eye candy." Kurt simultaneously snorted and shuddered at Adam's words, something he had previously been unaware was possible, and shot his friend-that-commented-too-much-about-how-he-was-at tractive-to-be-just-a-friend-but-wasn't-really-any thing-more a wry grin.

"Okay, you have me convinced on that." Adam nodded.

"Good, and lastly, well...Kurt, there's nothing wrong about being conservative and not wanting to sacrifice your morals. As previously stated, you are your own person, and you shouldn't ever have to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Yes, maybe sacrificing your morals might make you a star a little bit faster, but you're probably end up being a salacious one, and once you've earned a bad reputation you're stuck with. That's the problem with reputations; it takes years to build a good one, but it can be gone in a second. However, it can only take a couple of seconds to attain a bad one, but it'll haunt you for the rest of your life." Kurt stared at Adam, clinging onto every word like it was all he had, and found himself pulling it together just at the sight of his steady smile. "And, Kurt, you're the only person that can, and should, decide what you want from life, but having doubts doesn't mean you don't want this. I mean, Kurt, you've had several _weeks_ to settle into NYADA; Rachel's had several _months_ – you're still finding your feet so of course you're going to have doubts. _I_ have doubts, still, and I think that's a good thing because it means I want this, but I want it _right_. I don't just want fame and experience and will take it any which way it comes to me; no, I want some specific – something _good_...If anything, actually, I think that means you want it _more_ because when that it comes along, you're going to go for it with everything you have and woe-betide anyone that stands in your way because you're _Kurt_ _Hummel_, and you've got a bitch-glare that will send half the others running off in tears, and a brilliant, sharp tongue that will drive off half of those left and a voice that will put you well above those remaining because you're _awesome_!"

Kurt stared at Adam, struggling to find something to say because there was so much firm belief in his voice that Kurt was completely unable to contradict him, and more than that, he had soothed Kurt's fears with several speeches that he'd somehow made up on the spot. Kurt felt insanely better for hearing him say those things because he had shown Kurt another way to look at everything; Kurt was right to hold onto who he was because who he was was undoubtedly one of the best things about him, and he also felt better for having done what he did, as well as being absolutely sure that he was on the right path...maybe he should have just used Adam in his intervention. Although, maybe Adam's speech only worked so well on Kurt because Kurt experienced a giddying, insane rush of emotions when he heard Adam talk to him with such sincerity and certainty.

"How do you do that?" he asked, eventually, when he couldn't think of anything else to say to him. Adam shot him a frown to which Kurt rolled his eyes. "The talking without breathing thing." Adam shrugged.

"I don't know. I mean, obviously, I'm a singer so I've got good control of my breathing, and a pretty decent lung capacity, and I guess playing the saxophone helps with that too." Kurt arched an eyebrow.

"You play saxophone?" Adam nodded.

"Yeah, I play piano, cello and saxophone." Kurt's eyebrow arched even more in mild awe, having been unaware that Adam could play _three_ instruments. Adam shrugged slightly. "I've been playing piano and cello since I was, like, five. You know, I told you my dad plays cello so he made me learn, which was actually a really bad idea because I hated it at first because he made me play, but now I really like, and I regret not playing it more when I was younger. I'm still good, but I'm not as good as I am at piano, and that's sort of how I learnt saxophone because when my mum was on tour or something, I met this saxophonist in one of the bands; he was _amazingly_ talented, and I idolised him so much because he was just _so cool_, and he taught me to play jazz piano, and I _loved_ it, and I really mean _loved_. I got really into jazz, and he taught me to play saxophone after some begging and a lot practise." Adam shrugged, casually, once more like it wasn't a big deal whilst Kurt stared at him because he was an amazing actor, dancer and singer, very eloquent and sophisticated _and_ played _three_ _instruments_ so what was he doing with _Kurt_?!

"That's..." began Kurt, faltering as he mentally began to acknowledge that his insecurities were really the problem in the matter because, beyond his feelings towards nudity, and of uncertainty, he was still scared. Blaine had shaken up everything inside of him, and he was left questioning whether Adam had any ulterior motives instead of revelling in the happiness that ought to come with someone like him wanting to be with Kurt, as well as hampering his own sense of self-esteem and worth because he could no longer fully believe that he could make it out there.

"Come on," said Adam, getting to his feet and extending a hand out for Kurt to take. Kurt, frowning and looking him at him a little warily, accepted Adam's hand. Adam pulled him across the stage towards the piano. Kurt began to smile as Adam dropped his hand and walked around, lifting the lid and bending down to play a couple of experimental chords. Then he looked up at Kurt with a grin. Kurt, leaning against the body of the piano, reciprocated the gesture with a soft smile of his own. Adam began to play a familiar intro, looking up at Kurt with an arched eyebrow, questioning him.

"It's Nina Simone's version of Billy Taylor's _I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to be Free_," he said, rolling his eyes, because that was obvious.

"Very good," said Adam, lifting a hand to snap his finger at Kurt, pointing at him with his index finger, and Kurt, rolling his eyes once more, began to click along in time. Adam grinned, and Kurt vaguely wondered why he wasn't sitting down. Adam did a little drum roll on the top of the piano, and Kurt opened his mouth to sing;

_I wish I knew how_

_It would feel to be free_

_I wish I could break_

_All the chains holding me_

He began softly, gently, hoping that he could do the wonderfully inspiring song justice, and allowed himself to sink down into all of his fears and worries and immersed himself in the complete and utter desire that he had to be completely free of all of them after they had multiplied and sunk their teeth into him, clinging on, after the disaster with Blaine. He desperately wished he could break down some walls inside of him and be a free spirit once more.

_I wish I could say_

_All the things that I should to say_

_Say 'em loud say 'em clear_

_For the whole round world to hear_

He looked into Adam's eyes, which were fixed on him in a rather intense manner that surprised Kurt because he would have thought that he'd need to look down at the keys but the accompaniment seemed to be an extension of his natural co-ordination and so he he didn't need to control it, and Kurt smiled at him slightly. Adam returned it with a gentler one of his own.

_I wish I could share_

_All the love that's in my heart_

_Remove all the bars_

_That keep us apart_

Kurt leant further towards Adam, bending his upper body over the body of the piano and his arms, which rested their with his hands clasped and fingers interlocked, and threw caution to the wind as he communicated to the other boy through his singing that he wished the barricades he'd fortified after Blaine weren't there so that he could fall spectacularly in love with him, but he couldn't, but that was absolutely fine because Adam understood – Adam had his own defences up too.

_I wish you could know_

_What it means to be me_

_Then you'd see and agree_

_That every man should be free_

And Kurt felt incredibly sad standing there in the hall with all of his barriers up and on high alert; still scared and afraid, and still ever so cautious of the world, because all it kept doing was inflicting more and more pain and suffering upon him, but what could he do but keep on going through it all? So he kept on living with the burden of it all still on his shoulders.

_I wish I could give_

_All I'm longin' to give_

_I wish I could live_

_Like I'm longin' to live_

Kurt began to move along to the music now, feeling himself loosening up in the way that Adam had obviously planned, shoulders moving back and forth in time to the beat that they kept inside of their heads; the two of them joined in an inexplicable way by the pulse of the music; completely in sync with each other on another level to normality because of the rhythm of the music.

_I wish I could do_

_All the things that I can do_

_Though I'm way overdue_

_I'd be starting anew._

Kurt also began to wiggle his head from side to side on his neck, motions fluid and free and not at all conservative in another way to everything. He grinned at Adam, whose piano skills he really did have to admire, and opened himself up to the joy of the music in a way that he hadn't really done in a long time, feeling the meaningful lyrics leaving him with a little part of the weight inside of him, lightening the load.

_I wish I could be_

_Like a bird in the sky_

_How sweet it would be_

_If I found out I could fly_

He raised his voice, which had been increasing in both volume and joy throughout the song, to its loudest ululation, moving away from the piano and skipping towards Adam, arms moving up and down as he clicked his fingers each time the wrist reached the crest of the wave, feeling so incredibly free in the exact manner that Adam had no doubt planned because he was not too uptight or highly strung.

_I'd soar to the sun_

_And look down at the sea_

_Then I'd sing 'cause I know..._

And he felt the hope well up inside of him as reached the ending, imagining a day that he could look back on everything from a perspective up above; no longer weighed down by everything, but transcending it all in a manner that he couldn't at the moment, but no matter because he had Adam and his piano skills and compliments and insanely long sentences to help him along the way.

The moment the song ended, applause began to sound through the auditorium, and Kurt actually jumped, looking away from Adam's laughing eyes and smiling face, and up at the seats and saw that the rest of the Adam's Apples had appeared during his song completely without him noticing. They were all on their feet, every single diverse one of them, and were clapping him. Kurt took a small bow, laughing, as Adam came to stand by his side and patted his shoulder. Kurt smiled at him, silently communicating his gratefulness and thanks.

"Guys, that's the second awesome performance you've heard from Kurt, and I think it's safe to say that we are looking at a future lead of the Adam's Apples." There was more applause at that, some whooping too, and Kurt beamed at Adam, thanking him even more for what he was doing for Kurt. Adam wrapped his arm around his shoulder, grinning.

* * *

"Kurt," Kurt turned around, stacking the last plate into the dishwasher and then closing it, and shot Rachel a rather lukewarm smile, unsure as to what their friendship was like after she'd blown up at him for staging the intervention. She'd changed her mind, thanks to Quinn and Santana who had been entertaining guests at dinner and had also tactfully avoided the subject of Blaine although that had meant being interrogated on Adam instead, so he guessed she couldn't be too annoyed with him. In fact, if she was anything short of grateful then Kurt reckoned he was entitled to slap her.

"Hey, would you like some tea? I'm thinking of putting the kettle on?" he questioned, instead. Rachel shook her head.

"No, I think I might just turn in early. I just wanted to thank you for calling them in after all." Kurt grinned at her, glad that she had come to thank him. She walked over to him, and Kurt embraced her warmly, squeezing her tightly.

"I'm glad you saw sense." Rachel stepped backwards, shrugging and shooting him a grateful, wide grin.

"I'm glad that I've got you to talk it into me." Kurt smirked at her, winking a little bit.

"I promise not to stop any time soon."


	32. Chapter 32

**_Dear readers,_**

**_As promised here is another chapter, and some answers to the cliff-hanger from Blaine's last chapter, but not all because where would be the fun in that? I'm not sure exactly when I'll be able to update again, but it should be some time midweek, I think, and the latest will be next weekend. Thank you, once more, to all of you that have read, reviewed, favourited or alerted this story: your support is very much appreciated! _**

**_As always, I hope you enjoy the chapter!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Peace begins with a smile." _― Mother Teresa

* * *

Blaine reckoned that it was a good indicator that a situation was messed up when the person that came off worst in a fist fight, _and_ didn't start it, was the one that was getting the most hate and blame for the situation. Sebastian had a broken nose, which had needed to be set by the nurse, two black eyes as a result of that, the skin of his cheek cut, which had also needed to be seen to by the nurse and had required stitches, and his cheek had swelled as well because of the bruising where the skin hadn't broken but Thad's fist had still punched into it. However, even though he looked _dreadful_, Sebastian was getting the cold-shoulder from most of the boys coupled with frosty glares. It seemed that, no matter how much good he'd done this year for Thad, he couldn't get rid of his bad reputation.

There was only one reason that Blaine could think of that would mean Sebastian deserved all of the hostility that he was getting, and that was if he had started the fight – the verbal fight, that is. Now _that_ Blaine wouldn't put past him because he was always starting rows between him and Thad. Then again, it was definitely Thad that was responsible for the escalation into physical fighting because he was the one that lost his temper. Sebastian really didn't deserve having everyone glaring at him.

Blaine turned to David once he'd acknowledged that thought, and the fact that Sebastian did not care what the majority of Dalton thought of him. He saw David roll his eyes and heard him let out a huge sigh. Blaine pulled an apologetic expression and watched as David set down his fork and fixed a tired stare onto him.

"Do you want me to go through it one more time?" he asked, and Blaine nodded, giving him a sheepish grin, but maybe if he heard it one more time then he might be able to riddle it out. David rolled his eyes. "Me, Nick, Jeff and Trent were in our room. We weren't really doing anything, but then we heard yelling. We were going to leave it; you know how they are, but then we heard a cry of pain. So, naturally, we run across, and we open the door, and we see Thad throwing a punch squarely against Sebastian's nose. It breaks, but his cheek's already bleeding, and he lets out a rather undignified yelp of pain, and then punched Thad. He must have hit him right in the eye very hard because Thad spun a full 180 degrees and then fell flat on his face. I picked up Thad, who was trembling like you wouldn't believe, and he could barely support himself on his legs. It took me and Jeff to get him across to our room, and he just flopped down on the bed and went quiet. We – myself, Nick and Jeff – tried to talk to him, but we got nothing. Trent took Sebastian to the nurse. He refused to say anything as well so Trent came back. We were all sitting around waiting for Thad to talk when you came back." Blaine sighed, shaking his head because that hadn't helped at all.

"Could you not make out anything that they were saying?" David rolled his eyes again.

"_No_!" he exclaimed, whacking Blaine's shoulder in an irritated manner. Blaine sighed, shaking his head because if they didn't know what they'd argued about then how was he going to fix the situation? Thad hadn't spoken or smiled since the fight. In fact Thad hadn't left Blaine's _bed_. Blaine was currently bunking with Sebastian, which he already hated after _one night_ because all Sebastian did was sit up in bed and read from this little, black notebook with his headphones plugged in and the _light on_! How was Blaine meant to sleep when _the_ _light was on_?

"Well then what are we going to do?" he demanded, arching his eyebrows at David. David heaved a huge sigh, glaring at him for being unhelpful and only pointing out things that David already knew. Blaine could see Nick, Jeff and Trent awkwardly attempting to make casual conversation with Sebastian out of the corner of his eye and felt a little bad for them.

"I don't know," said David, shaking his head and then hanging it, looking down at his half eaten lunch. "I mean, they won't tell us what happened so how can we fix it? I mean, it's as if they _don't want_ us to!" Blaine nodded in mild agreement. He had a feeling that Sebastian was waiting for Thad to sort himself out, and that Thad was doing his favourite trick of internalising everything and trying to keep all his feelings to himself. Blaine watched as David ran a hand over his face and knew that David was really struggling to cope with the situation. After all, David's natural instinct would be to murder Sebastian, but given that Thad had punched him first it didn't exactly seem like a good idea.

"So what are we going to do now?" he asked, biting down on the inside of his lip and glancing over at Sebastian again, who was doing a very good job of pretending that the world around him didn't exist. David shrugged, looking up at the clock, and Blaine followed his gaze, seeing that lunch was nearly over and afternoon lessons about to begin.

"I guess..." said David, sighing heavily. The bell rang, and Blaine rolled his eyes as he threw his cutlery down onto his plate and picked up his tray in sync with David. They walked over to the place where the dirty dishes were stacked in silence, and Blaine supposed that David was still trying to think what to say. "we just have to warble on, Blaine," he said, slapping him on the back in a hearty, reassuring manner. "warble on."

Blaine really hated David's plan of warbling on. It was all well and good in practise; to just wait for the two of them to jump together like opposing poles of two bar magnets, but Blaine found it hard to accept that things were going to work out fine when they got back from lessons to find that Thad was still lying, face down, on Blaine's bed and didn't appear to have moved _all day_! Blaine was finding Thad's state of apathy genuinely very disturbing, which certainly hadn't been helped by David patting his shoulders and telling him that this was what Thad had been a bit like just after Blaine had mentioned Eli for the first time. It scared Blaine, in all honesty, because he knew that he could handle Thad if he was crying, screaming, shouting, throwing more punches or even trying to cut his wrists or end it all because then Blaine could hold him tight and tell him that everything was going to be okay because he loved him and all the other Warblers did and so did his parents so they'd _make_ everything better for him. However, Blaine didn't know what to say someone that had seemingly been deprived of their very _being_; that had shut down so completely and utterly that they couldn't do _anything_ but what their body did naturally and without thought or compulsion.

"Thad, it's Blaine…" he muttered, bending down by his friend and gently putting a hand on his shoulder. Thad shifted a little bit in response to his voice, and Blaine took heart from that, sitting back on his heels and shooting David a small smile. David shrugged, pulling a face that said '_this is fine too_'. Blaine turned back to Thad, squeezing his shoulder a little harder. "I know that you're really upset and everything, but we're really worried about you, buddy. I mean, you haven't eaten anything all day." There was a moment of silence before;

"Not hungry," was grunted out, almost muffled into silence by the pillow that his face was firmly planted into. Blaine grinned a little at his success in getting Thad to talk to him, not caring that it was really bad news, and could basically feel his mind whirring into action because the first step was getting Thad up and about.

"Thad, we said you were sick today, but if you don't get up soon then the school's going to call your _parents_. I mean, when we told Mr Armstrong this morning that you were ill, he practically had a _panic attack_...everyone here is really worried about you, and they will jump to the phone and tell your parents..." Blaine felt a bit bad about doing this; about basically blackmailing Thad into getting up and about, but he knew that they had to do whatever they could to help the poor Warbler at the moment and keeping him alive was their top priority – they couldn't let him _starve_ himself to death.

"Blaine..." whispered Thad, rolling over so that half of his face – the right side – was visible to him. The blackened eye was hidden in the pillow. Blaine shot him a huge grin. "_please_ don't let them call my parents." He begged, and Blaine softened his gaze, rubbing Thad's upper arm and silently wondering how David was remaining so quiet and still in this situation.

"I can't, not forever. Thad, you have to get up and about otherwise they're going to hear about this..." _and murder Sebastian_, he said inside his head because he knew that wouldn't help. He rubbed his upper arm again. "I'm really sorry, Thad, but you need to get up and about. As long as you go to the lessons and eat a little and do your homework and so on, then your parents never need to know about this." He could see tears welling in Thad's eyes, and he felt really bad for him. He could tell that Thad was breaking down on the inside because Blaine knew he was blaming himself for what had happened and was mentally beating himself up for '_ending_' his friendship with Sebastian.

"I feel really sick," admitted Thad in a whisper, swallowing. Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip, waiting for Thad to say more. "I don't know what I was thinking!" Blaine rubbed his arm again, shooting him a comforting smile.

"We all do stupid things," he said. "How about David gets you some toast, and we watch a film?" Thad swallowed, and Blaine waited patiently for his answer. He knew that this wasn't about to make him feel better, but it was a start.

"Yeah...okay..." muttered Thad, nodding slightly. Blaine grinned at him as David got to his feet. He paused briefly by Blaine's bed to ruffle up Thad's hair before he walked out of the room. Blaine patted Thad's arm again.

"What film do you want to watch?" he asked, feeling almost as if he was talking to a scared child, curled up in their den and too scared of what might happen, and too afraid of any ensuing pain, to come back out. Thad shrugged a little.

"I don't know," he whispered, and Blaine got the impression that he was trying to think of a film that didn't remind him painfully of Sebastian and whatever had happened between them. Blaine completely understood that so he simply waited in silence. "Can we watch _Sleeping Beauty_?" he asked, eventually, looking up at him with very wide, watery eyes. Blaine nodded instantly, shooting him a wide smile that said everything would be alright, somehow.

They watched _Sleeping Beauty_ in near silence. David had returned with toast, and Thad had sat up, scooting back so that his back was resting against the wall and his knees were bent before him so that he could try and hide his injury behind them. Blaine sent David off to acquire the DVD, and he returned with Nick and Jeff in tow, leaving no doubt in anyone's mind that Trent was babysitting Sebastian...poor guy. Thad ate the toast without complaint, but it was hard to focus on the beautiful love story on the screen when one of their best friends sat there with a bruised eye and a battered heart at the hands of another of their closest friends.

* * *

A small chuckle caused Blaine's head to jerk upright. He was sitting in Sebastian's customary seat in History, flanked by the two boys with slowly fading injuries, and for the first time feeling able to focus properly on his work because, after several sleepless nights due to Sebastian's need to sit up all night and read from that little notebook until he passed out in the early morning, Thad had made the rather staggering decision to move back in with Sebastian, and so Blaine got to go back to his old room and actually _sleep _at night. David had said that Thad wasn't sleeping well at night either so he'd almost certainly gone back to his own room in the hope that Sebastian's presence would enable him to gain some much needed rest. However, they still weren't talking.

That was why the sound of a laugh coming from his left caused his entire body to tense in disbelieving shock because, as a result of not being friends with Sebastian anymore, Thad hadn't so much as cracked a _smile_ (that they'd seen, but Blaine doubted that he was smiling on his own) since the fight, not even when Nick and Jeff were goofing around and managed to get themselves covered in mud and marshmallows – he had no intention whatsoever of finding out how that strange event had occurred. So the fact that he was laughing in the middle of their very dull History lesson was something so incredible and unexpected that he knew his mouth was hanging open in shock, rather like David's, though Sebastian didn't seem to have noticed.

"Thad?" demanded David, looking torn somewhere between confused, shocked and hopeful. He stared at Thad, intensely whilst he frowned, but Blaine could see that Thad wasn't paying attention to him, choosing to focus on what was on his desk instead. Blaine peered over his shoulder and saw that there was a little slip of paper that had been written on in black, ballpoint pen in printed, small but capital letters that were all of identical size:

DID YOU KNOW THE SUREST PROOF OF EVOLUTION IS IN THIS ROOM: MR FREDERICKS. HAVE YOU SEEN THE AMOUNT OF HAIR ON THAT MAN? NOT TO MENTION HIS PRIMAL INSTINCT TO MAKE UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES IN THE FACE OF NEW TECHNOLOGY...THAT OR THE HAIR IS AN INDICATOR THAT WE HAVE A WEREWOLF CONTROLLED NOT BY THE MOON BUT THE LEVELS OF STUPIDITY IN THE ROOM.

Blaine snorted a little at what had been written on the paper, understanding now why Thad had had a laugh forced out of him because the observations were completely true. Blaine looked back at their History teacher, eyes seemingly drawn to the excessive hair that grew from his fingers and the indistinct mumbling that he emitted whilst also remembering his second History lesson at Dalton where Fredericks had grabbed the laptop and thrown it at the floor. Blaine had been both alarmed and terrified, but David had put an arm around his shoulders and told him everything was okay and that that happened all the time. After that, it was just a normal occurrence in his lessons.

On instinct, recognising the sort-of-insult as something that Sebastian was say, he looked at the boy working on his other side. Sebastian was still writing down the notes that were being scrawled onto the board. He seemed to have tuned out the rest of the world, and Blaine peeked at his handwriting – it was all loopy and scrawly and slanting. Also, Blaine had never seen him write in anything other than fountain pen, and he severely doubted that he even _owned_ a biro. Besides, notes weren't his style; that was the sort of thing that he would say out loud. Still, if Sebastian hadn't sent Thad that note then who had?

During the rest of that day, Thad collected two more notes from the same person that contained two more witticisms that caused Thad to snort with laughter and then grin faintly. It definitely put him in a better mood than Blaine had seen him in since the punch up, but Blaine couldn't work out how they had appeared seemingly out of nowhere in the middle of lessons. They seemed to just appear on his desk partway through a lesson. Blaine and David, and probably Nick, Jeff, Trent and anybody else that David could rope in, watched with shrewd eyes to see who threw or dropped them before Thad, but no one did. Still, it made Thad smile for just a little bit, and things might actually be looking like they were going to turn out okay if Sebastian hadn't been doing his utmost best to pretend that the world around him didn't exist. Blaine had tried talking to him a couple of times in lessons, but Sebastian completely ignored him; ignored _everyone_, so Blaine just gave up because no one could talk Sebastian into doing something he didn't want to – except maybe Thad.

* * *

"It's weird," commented Nick, out of the blue, dropping down by David's side in the common room, quickly followed by Jeff and Trent. Thad had gone to his book club thingy, and Blaine guessed Sebastian was out playing lacrosse, and so they were all temporarily free from babysitting. Blaine frowned a little whilst David became alert looking.

"You noticed it too, huh?" he commented, sitting upright and stretching slightly. Blaine tilted his head to the side, confused as to what they were talking about because _everything_ was weird about this situation.

"Yeah," said Nick, nodding with a serious frown on his face. "how come none of the teachers have asked about what happened to Sebastian and Thad's faces? I mean, given that it's _Thad_, you'd think they'd be all over it." Blaine frowned mildly at that, having previously not noticed that, which was certainly very weird so why was David rolling his eyes?

"That's not weird," cut in Trent. "that was me." Blaine felt his eyebrows jump up his forehead whilst Nick and Jeff looked at him with wide, confused eyes and David ran a hand over his head in exasperation.

"Really?" asked Nick, and Trent rolled his eyes.

"_Yes_," he said forcefully, rolling his eyes again. "When Sebastian got beaten up I knew there would be questions, and obviously when Thad came back to lessons I knew that there would be some freak out over '_domestic abuse_' or something-" Blaine's eyebrows arched even more, a little weirded out by that statement. "-so I went and told them that Sebastian and Thad had a punch-up." There was a moment of silence in which everyone, but David, simply stared at him, wondering how on earth that had helped. Trent rolled his eyes once. "I _said_ that it was a stress-relieving thing; some stress relief that went wrong because Sebastian's a cocky bastard and told Thad to punch him in the face and didn't expect it to be quite so hard so he punched him straight back because, you know, it's Sebastian and he _is_ stupid." There was a moment of silence in which everyone, still not David, arched their eyebrows.

"And they actually bought that?" demanded Jeff in a disbelieving tone of voice. Trent shrugged.

"Yeah, basically," he shrugged once more, and Blaine blinked, a little taken aback, but still glad that people weren't going to go poking their noses into the mess that had developed between the two best friends.

"Okay..." commented Nick, drawing out the word and looking slightly bemused. "David, what were you thinking was weird?" David sat up again, looking attentive once more, and Blaine turned to him, listening in.

"You know last year," he began, looking towards Nick, Jeff and Trent. "when Thad and Sebastian would get into those rows?" The three boys nodded, and Blaine sat forward a little, having heard about the rows too. "And you know what they were like; Sebastian would drive Thad round the bend and Thad would lose his temper and he'd fly out of control." There were some more nods, and David sighed, heavily. "Thad never punched him, not once. He smashed his hand into inanimate objects on numerous occasions, but he never _once_ lay a finger on him...now he's punched him twice in one fight, and Sebastian would _never_ hit him back, but he did, and more than that, Sebastian is bigger and stronger than Thad, remember what he did to Hunter. There's no way that Thad could land two consecutive hits on Sebastian; one, yes, that's surprise and shock, but two...no, Sebastian could have stopped him...so why didn't he?" Blaine frowned, David's words sinking in, and was amazed by how many things in the situation didn't add up that he'd missed.

"So..." said Blaine, feeling his brow furrow together into an impressive frown that no doubt matched those worn by the other three boys that were all staring at David. "are you saying that Sebastian _let_ Thad him? Why would he do that? He'd know that Thad would feel terrible about it after."

"Not to mention the fact that Sebastian punched back a second later," cut in Jeff, incredibly grave expression on his face. "I mean, who lets someone punch them and then punches them straight in the face in retaliation?"

"_Exactly_!" exclaimed David, throwing his arms into the air in obvious frustration. "This doesn't make sense!"

"Look," said Trent, holding out a hand to stop anyone else from talking. "I don't think that there's any point in wading into the complicated psychology of Thad and Sebastian's relationship – let's all face it; we don't really get what's going on between them, really – so we should just focus on a plan of action."

"Spoken like a true leader," commented Nick whilst Jeff slapped him on the shoulder. Blaine sighed because he wanted to pull the situation apart until he understood what was going on, and he knew that was what David wanted do too, but he also knew that Trent was right. At the moment, they had nothing to go on so all they could do was sustain the two boys.

"Okay," said David, grudgingly, whole body deflating in defeat and sinking back in the sofa. Blaine felt bad for the lead member of the Warbler council because he couldn't do anything to help the situation because he had no idea what was going on. "I guess...warble on and all." Blaine smiled at him, and David sat up straighter. "I guess we just need to get them all to take it easy." And at that, the five boys broke down into laughter, all comforted by the familiar phrase and shuddering at the thought of David turning into a second Wes. Through their laughter, Blaine vaguely heard his phone chime, the vibration against his leg bringing most of his attention to it, and he pulled it out and read:

_Blaine, could you do me a favour?-Finn_

Blaine blinked in mild surprise and alarm, quickly tapping out his response as the others began to pester him:

_Yes, of course! What can I do for you?-Blaine_

_Um, well, it's not just you – it's the Warblers too. I need a huge favour from all of you.-F_

_Just ask me what it is,_ responded Blaine, rolling his eyes, because Blaine _really_ owed Finn for his help with his dad and everything, _I owe you, and you're my friend.-B_

_You don't owe me anything! Anyway, I'm out of ideas for the glee club. I was hoping the Warblers could help by doing a class or something, or giving us a performance platform or just ANYTHING! I really need help!-F_

"David," said Blaine, looking up at his friend with a mild frown on his face. David, who had been watching him closely, blinked once in a manner that said he was listening. "the New Directions – well, Finn, but never mind – were wondering if they could..." Blaine broke off, not sure he could put into words what the New Directions needed given that Finn didn't even know. Therefore, he handed his phone, wordlessly, over to David and let him read the texts for himself. There was a brief beat of silence before David handed the phone back to him with a small smile.

"Sure, of course, we need something to focus on too, I think, and this might prove useful." Blaine grinned at him.

_It's all fine! We'd love to perform with you! It'll help us too!-B_

_Awesome! Thanks so much!-F_

_Don't mention it!-B_

* * *

"We're doing _what_?" demanded Sebastian, eyebrows arched and angry expression on his face as he glared at David. The New Directions, who all looked a little out of place and on edge in Warbler hall, all looked towards Blaine. Blaine gave them a reassuring smile that said it was fine, winking at Finn.

"We're lending them a hand!" snapped David. Thad rubbed a hand over his eyes, yawning, and slumped over the table, looking distinctly dishevelled and unbothered by the argument.

"You know, I thought we had a council for a reason." David shot Sebastian a venomous glare, pity for him clearly dying as the bruises faded into a yellow-green and his nose looked relatively normal, though Blaine thought that the combined efforts of him and Thad might have made it permanently slightly crooked.

"You get to make decisions when you stop pretending that the world doesn't exist! This is the first conversation I've had with you in _over a week_, and that is _not_ okay!" Blaine ran a hand over his face, feeling even worse for David because the hurt over the situation was clearly infused into his voice, and saw that Finn was communicating, silently, with him as to what was going on because Blaine had there'd been '_a row_', but he hadn't given details. Blaine told him not to intervene. Sebastian seemed temporarily speechless so David ploughed on. "Now, Finn, did you have any ideas what you wanted to do?" Finn, jolting slightly and clearly taken aback by the conversation shifting to him, shook his head as he ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up rather messily.

"Not really," he said, slowly. "I just want to give these guys a performance to work towards. You know, drive and focus, and you guys are, like, super slick, and it would just be a good learning experience, but if you have any suggestions that would be great 'cause I don't really know _what_…" There was a pause in which Sebastian glowered at the room, emanating disdain, and everyone else mulled it over.

"How about," said Thad, suddenly, causing every head to spin towards him whilst mouths hung open because Thad had been getting a little more normal over the past week and a bit – still not talking to Sebastian or smiling and/or laughing unless one of those notes, of which he received at least two a day, had appeared before him – but he hadn't contributed anything to class or Warblers at all. "you do a benefit concert. Raise money for your school, or a music charity, or something. We could host it here because you'd definitely get a better turnout at our school, and we can do joint numbers and stuff…I don't know about when." There was a beat of silence as all heads swivelled back to the New Directions, who had nodded along to Thad's words and were now looking between themselves. Blaine was glad to see, though, that there was a little bit more excitement in their eyes than there had previously been.

"Well, Mr Schue's coming back in February – we could do it then," suggested Artie, looking around at the other singers with a mildly tentative note of in his voice, like he didn't know how authority in this situation worked.

"That's a great idea!" exclaimed Blaine, locking his gaze with Finn's and catching his eyes light up in delight. "It could be like a coming home/wedding present!"

"Yeah!" enthused Finn, nodding eagerly. "That sounds like a great idea!" There was a moment of silence in which everyone just nodded in agreement, except Sebastian who was still sulking, before David clapped his hands, getting to his feet in a business-like manner that said he was in control of the situation.

"Okay, that sounds great. I suggest that we start working out what kind of voices we have; how we can work together; what kind of numbers you want to do, in a moment, but _first_," he said, emphatically, spinning around so that he was staring at the two other members of the Warbler council. "we are going to sort this mess out." There was a moment of incredulous silence. "I'm serious," continued David. "look, I don't know what went down between the two of you, though I know it has to have been bad because you two could have come to blows a _long_ time ago but you didn't, but I do know this has gone on long enough. _You_-" snapped David, pointing at Sebastian, and Blaine was somewhere between amazed and amused at the way no one dared to interrupt David when he was in this kind of manner. "-have done nothing but sulk and pout and refuse to talk to _anyone_ as well as the whole not-sleeping-at-night-because-you're-reading-from- a-black-notebook-with-the-light-on-" it was strange, but at those words, Thad jerked upright, eyes going slightly wider. David caught the motion out of the corner of his eye and pressed on. "-so _you're_ not okay, and _you_, Thad-" said David, turning on Thad with a glare. "-have functioned on minimum capacity, and the worst part is that you were _so freakin' happy_ after Christmas and New Year and everything, and now the only times I've seen you've smile is when you've got those _freakin'_ notes, and that is-" again, it was very strange, but at those words, Sebastian smirked. It was a tiny flicker, and it died very quickly, but Blaine reckoned everyone but David had seen it.

"Ohh…of course!" David's rant broke off as Thad slapped his forehead. David looked rather affronted by that, but Thad was looking over at Sebastian – actually _looking_ at _Sebastian_ – with a tiny smile. Sebastian smirked.

_You're better than the best_

_I'm lucky just to linger in your light_

_Cooler than the flip side_

_Of my pillow, that's right_

Thad was still looking at Sebastian, small smile on his face, when he began to sing, completely unexpectedly. However, that didn't stop the other Warblers – excluding David, who was frozen in shock – chiming in by the second line, and Blaine, probably because he just sort of _knew_ that this was going to fix their friendship because that was how this kind of thing worked, questioned Thad's sanity for telling Sebastian he was '_better than the best_'.

_Completely unaware_

Thad slowly got to his feet, looking rather shy all of a sudden with his gentle, mildly bashful smile, and rested the tips of his fingers on the table, never breaking eye contact with Sebastian.

_Nothing can compare to where_

_You send me, lets me know that it's okay_

_Yeah, it's okay_

Blaine could tell, as Thad continued to sing, that he was a little embarrassed, probably at the way the New Directions were gawking at him, just because of the way he smiled – sort of nervous – and the way he hunched his shoulders a little bit, instinctively making himself smaller, and Sebastian just continued to smirk in self-satisfaction.

_And the moments where my good times start to fade_

_You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed_

_Sing like bird, dizzy in my head_

_Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night_

Thad leant forward onto his arms, palms pressing into the table, so that his upper body was hung over the table, and he tilted his head to the right so that his face pointed towards Sebastian. He was swaying along to the Warbler's beat, and Blaine could see him beginning to edge out of his shell as he and Sebastian shared their private smiles that told everyone that there was an in-joke going on that they didn't get.

_You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe_

_Shine like gold, buzz like a bee_

Thad slowly made his way around the table, making it a little harder for Blaine to get a good view of what was going on, but if he leant back into the sofa he could look at Thad as he went to stand opposite Sebastian, looking down at the smirking boy with a rather knowing smile.

_Just the thought of you can drive me wild_

He did a little spin, for the first time really making his song a performance instead of just talking through someone else's song, and Blaine let out a snort, ceasing his harmony briefly, at the way David's eyes bugged wider at that.

_Oh, you make me smile_

Thad came to a stop, facing Sebastian once more with a proper, huge smile on his face that said everything was going to be just fine, and Blaine could see that Sebastian was restraining the urge to beam in an undignified manner back at him.

_Even when you're gone,_

_Somehow you come along just like_

_A flower pokin' through the sidewalk crack_

Thad reached into the inside pocket of his blazer and began to pull out all of the little notes that he had received – all of the things that had made him smile – and lay them out on the table, and Blaine's mind was whirring because Sebastian _had_ written those notes, but…_why_? What the _hell_ was going on? This fight didn't make any sense!

_And just like that_

_You steal away the rain, and just like that…_

Thad laid down the last one, and Sebastian's smirk grew even wider whilst they shared one of their mutually understanding smiles, and Thad tapped the notes with his fingers, and Blaine totally _got_ what he was saying; Sebastian had taken away the '_rain_' during their arguments with his comments, but it still didn't really make sense to him, and he really understood why Nick, Jeff and Trent were sharing amused and exasperated looks, and David appeared to be torn somewhere between fury and confusion because they'd had a huge row that had involved _physical violence_, and all it actually took to fix it was Thad realising that Sebastian was writing him the notes? That didn't seem right at all.

_You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe_

Thad leant forward over the table again, hands planted firmly either side of the notes, eyebrow arching slightly as Sebastian's smirk grew, if that was possible, and seemed to become a little more devilish.

_Shine like gold, buzz like a bee_

_Just the thought of you can drive me wild_

Thad leant further over the table, legs going back so that he balancing on the tips of his toes and his body sloped, evenly and gently, up from his feet. This meant that his face was level with Sebastian's, and actually at a very close proximity to his, not that that mattered, of course, to either boys because they did sleep in the same bed and all.

_Oh, you make me smile_

And Thad, with a final wide grin, popped his feet back under him and grabbed Sebastian by the wrists, pulling him to his feet and slipping his hands down so that they held onto Sebastian's, forcing him to come out.

_Don't know how I lived without you_

_'Cause every time that I get around you_

Sebastian took over the vocal line, breaking the contact between them, and walked forward confidently, forcing Thad to back up so that the two of them stood in the middle of the room in the gap between the two sofas, giving Blaine an excellent of view of their facial expressions, and Sebastian's soft, honest smile and Thad's grin.

_I see the best of me inside your eyes_

And he reached forward with his right hand, gently thumbing the slightly bruised skin by the side of Thad's left eye that was crinkled up as he smiled, and he made the action look so _natural_ even though it was frickin' _Sebastian_ and so such a tender action was really friggin' _weird_.

_You make me smile_

_You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe_

_Shine like gold, buzz like a bee_

The harmony dropped down in volume, becoming nothing but a whisper, and Blaine was glad to see that the New Directions had joined in, and he shot Sam and Finn a small grin before focusing back in on Thad, who had his hands clasped behind his back and was staring up into Sebastian's eyes as he swayed slightly on the spot and smiled, and Sebastian looked down at him with a face that had gone surprisingly neutral.

_Just the thought of you can drive me wild_

And for an insane moment, as their faces seemed to gravitate towards each other's, Blaine thought they were going to kiss, and his brain short-circuited in absurd shock, but, naturally, in that beat of silence at the end of the line, Sebastian reached down and Thad reached up, and they met in the middle in a tight hug.

_You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed_

_Sing like bird, dizzy in my head_

They didn't stay together long because Sebastian spun Thad back out as they both sang the chorus together, and Thad's eyes were alive with laughter, and Sebastian's whole body was free of tension, and they both looked a little ridiculous as they began to dance in the middle of the hall.

_Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night_

And Blaine didn't really think that he'd ever seen Thad quite so carefree as Sebastian spun him around and around under his arm, and then pulled him in hand on his waist, Thad's head and right leg kicking out as he laughed.

_You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe_

And they _were_ dancing together like fools, side to side with Thad's left hand on Sebastian's shoulder and Sebastian's right on his waist, and it felt _so good_ to be able to sing and laugh at the same time and not worry about either boy, and whatever was going to happen next.

_Shine like gold, buzz like a bee_

_Just the thought of you can drive me wild_

Blaine shrugged, grin on his face and snorting with laughter, as he made eye contact with David, who was standing completely still by the Warbler council table and watching the dancing, singing and smiling Thad and Sebastian, the laughing, harmonising, dancing-in-their-seats Warblers and the grinning nervously, dancing-on-the-spot-where-they-stood New Directions, with a wide eyed look that said he thought the entire world had gone mad, and it probably had.

_Oh, you make me smile_

_(Oh, you make me smile)…_

The two of them came to an almost stop, simply revolving on the spot as the harmony once more dropped away into near nothing, and Sebastian singing the back-up part like an echo back at Thad, and Blaine had to admit that he was slightly amazed that Sebastian could dance so freely and openly with Thad like he was; this was not the kind of persona that he was really _comfortable_ with exhibiting to people outside their tight circle of friends because he liked his other scathing, rather untouchable persona, but he seemed willing to let that slide – for Thad, of course.

_Oh, you make me smile_

Thad shot Sebastian a final smile as he sang the last line on his own, looking up at the taller boy, and the two of them remained frozen for a moment, grinning at each in a manner that would probably make so much more sense if they knew what the hell was going on but could also be accepted as that of two best friends making up after a fight between them had gotten completely out of hand. Then they embraced once more, Thad burying his face in Sebastian's shoulder, and Sebastian clutching him tightly, and everyone – bar David – burst into whistles and cheers, the Warblers all getting to their feet and sharing grins, glad the worst was behind them because they were friends again…and Thad was smiling.


	33. Chapter 33

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Once more I am updating! This part of the story is being written incredibly fast for me mainly because I keep expecting to hit a roadblock, but I haven't really so I promise you actual answers to what on earth happened between Thad and Sebastian this weekend. Right now, though, I welcome you to 'Diva' part I of II and a half, really, because it, like the my 'Smile' arc, has spilled over into a third chapter. I want to say now that if there are any delays in updating, which I really hope there won't be, then it's probably because at this point I'm pacing Kurt's storyline around Blaine's so I'm writing Blaine's first because I have all of that planned out in my head whereas Kurt's is more a work-in-progress, and obviously, I have to keep updating Kurt then Blaine then Kurt and so on, so I hope that's not a problem but it may well turn out to be! _**

**_Anyway, a big thank you for all your continued support of the story, and enjoy the chapter!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Being snappy is a symptom of an argument we forgot to have some way back."_ ― Alain de Botton

* * *

Kurt loved Rachel, he really did. She was like a relatively irritating, little – in both senses of the word – sister to him, but it was getting increasingly hard to see her in that light nowadays because almost _everything_ that she did annoyed him.

For one, her gratitude for him stopping her from making an enormous mistake had lasted the best part of a week. Then she was back on her high horse acting like the whole event had never happened. Kurt acknowledged that it was the sort of thing that one wanted to put behind them, but her attitude then had really just brought further into the focus the numerous ways that Rachel had changed for the utmost _worst_. Putting aside all the things at home that she did such as running out all the hot water, letting her hair extensions clog the sink and screeching away at the top of her voice in a manner that made it seem like she was the only person in the _neighbourhood_, Kurt was becoming increasingly frustrated by her treatment towards _him_ at NYADA.

Kurt could just about handle it when Rachel dashed off to see Brody or cut short conversations because he'd just gone the other way down the corridor and she'd just remembered something very important that she needed to say to him that couldn't wait until they got home because Kurt _understood_ that: Rachel was crazy about him, and he made her happy, not to mention that Kurt had a tendency to trail off in the middle of a sentence if Adam passed them and shot him a wink. So, anyway, that he could sort of deal with. What he absolutely could _not_ handle was the way she brushed him off for other people – shallow, sycophantic people that simply fanned the flames of her ever growing ego. She would dismiss him with the flick of her hand and a toss of her hair, and then she would swan off towards her adoring fans that would begin conversations with her that were so mundane that Kurt felt like he had been transplanted into some weird form of McKinley where everyone was just as dim but wholly orientated towards dramatic arts.

On the whole, the problem was undoubtedly her ego, and the root of that problem came from winning the NYADA Winter Showcase. As her best friend, Kurt was overjoyed that she had won such a prestigious event as a Freshman – _of course_ he was – but at the same time, he hated the behaviour that had been spawned as a result. In Free Sing, she was only person that ever got to sing. Kurt had been absolutely _dying_ to get up there and share some numbers with the rest of the class, especially given that the only other platform that he had for performing songs was the Adam's Apples and they tended harmonise to the radio and do random covers of songs so his solo performance needed attending to, but he had not gotten a single second in the spotlight because that place was firmly Rachel's, and _nobody_ seemed to want to challenge her for that. Kurt could understand that too because she had managed to construct herself a fearsome reputation, but Kurt knew that if someone didn't challenge her soon then her ego could grow to an unparalleled size and likely suffocate him in his sleep.

Kurt knew that he had to take action against Rachel. He was her best friend after all, and he _had_ promised not to stop talking sense into her any time soon, and she really did need someone there to talk sense into her now. After all, putting all that aside, her treatment of Kurt himself needed some serious altering because she seemed to think that he was some form of minion that had no life outside of helping her because it was perfectly okay for her to screeching away at ungodly hours in the morning, or cackling loudly as she came back to the apartment late with her boyfriend, but when her phone was buzzing away and making a sound that grated Kurt's very sore nerves, she was '_saving her voice_', and she couldn't even _tell him_ that. No, that had to be written down because _four words_ were far too much for her! He wasn't there to wait on her and foot! She could bloody well answer her own phone, or make her own coffee and tea, but _no_ that job could be relegated for Kurt because, after all, _she'd_ won the NYADA Showcase, and she was going to swan off to those _Funny Girl_ auditions with her sycophantic idiots trailing along behind her, but if she didn't get the part it would be _Kurt_ that had to offer her sympathy and stay up late with her whilst she ran down their entire supply of tissues and toilet paper, and it would have to be _him_ that gave her reassurances and couldn't be honest and point out that the casting directors had probably taken one look at her and seen her obnoxious, self-centred, primadonna attitude and decided that having someone like _her_ in their musical would _not be worth the trouble_!

More than that though, he had to deal with it because it affected him the most. Kurt's current solution to the problem was trying to avoid her and forget about it, but that was becoming more and more cumbersome by the day not to mention more ineffective. In fact, that only worked properly when he was able to hang out with Adam, but the Apples didn't rehearse every day, and Adam had two part time jobs, _and_ he _was_ a Senior so he ran in different circles to Kurt a lot of the time, and though he was more than willing to include him, Kurt could tell that some of the others didn't want him there, and it was just _awkward_. Also, he _lived_ with Rachel. He shared his space with her and would be for the foreseeable future, and that meant he had to do something permanent about the situation.

Besides, he _missed_ the old Rachel…_a lot_. Kurt was angry with her, but he had learnt very well that anger was really just hurt transformed into something that was easier to deal with. He badly missed the squealing, excitable Rachel from when they'd first moved to New York; from Senior year especially. He missed the Rachel that was a _good_ best friend with whom he could see shows, gossip and giggle with. He missed the Rachel that _openly cared_ about him; that did things to make him happy, and that he trusted to look after him when he wasn't doing so well. It was horrible admitting it to himself, but some of the time, he really doubted that the Rachel Berry that he lived with right now actually cared about him, and that if he walked out of the flat tomorrow then her biggest gripe with the situation would be that there was no one there to answer her phone and note down messages from people that she would rather not talk to, or make her tea in the mornings.

He hated feeling that so much. Not just because it was a terrible feeling to have in general, but also because he couldn't help but notice that people in his life at the moment seemed to stop caring about him and were pulling away, and he felt lonely and lost like the boy in Middle School that counted up when they were playing tag and turned around to see that they'd all gone and started another game without him. Sometimes, he really felt like no one in the world except his dad cared about him.

So, naturally, Kurt did what he did best – well, _one_ of the things that he had did best because he was highly adept at numerous things – and he redirected all of that hurt, confusion, loneliness and pain into snarky, bitchy sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness, knowing full well that an event would come along that would be the metaphorical straw that broke the metaphorical camel's back, and he would explode and let out all of his pent up emotions. He also knew that that event would come sometime soon. The timer was ticking. The bomb was going to explode. The fallout was incalculable at the current moment.

* * *

Kurt walked out of his bedroom, eyes not fully open and wondering how on earth Rachel had gotten into NYADA when her singing high sounded like a kitten being tortured, and body very tense, fully aware that timer was ticking closer and closer to zero, and how could she sound surprised at the fact that he was awake when he'd jerked bolt upright in bed and wondered who was being _killed_?! And now she wanted him to make her _tea_!

"_Sure_!" he snapped, suddenly, slamming the teapot down and spinning around, all of his anger bursting out from inside of him, surprisingly enough most pissed off about the '_you know it's really good for __**my**__ throat_' like Rachel was the only singer in the house, and the only one training to be a star: well he was a talented performer too, and he had just as much right as her to shine! "I'll just run down to the store and get you some!"

"I'll take that as a no," she said, and – _God!_ – did Kurt just want to slap her in that moment as she stood with her hands on her hips, staring at him in a patronising, disapproving manner that said _his_ attitude was _completely_ wrong. "An incredibly rude no that deserves an explanation," and Kurt suppressed the urge to scoff, and laugh condescendingly, at her because of her complete and utter inability to see how much of demanding, self-centred _bitch_ she was being right now. Kurt had had it. Enough was enough.

"Okay, Rachel, truth time," he said, pulling together all of his anger, frustration, indignation and exasperation and facing his supposed best friend with the full knowledge that he had suffered _enough_. He was tired of people knocking him down and treating him like second best, and especially after meeting Adam, he had actually felt like his life was getting better and his luck was changing, and _Rachel_ was ruining that, and he didn't deserve that. "you have been a _nightmare_ ever since the Winter Showcase!" Which wasn't fully, technically true because she had actually been quite nice with Dave and Blaine and everything, but he could forget that very easily when Rachel opened her mouth and began her rebuttal;

"I knew it!" she exclaimed smugly. "It was only a matter of time before you became jealous of all of my success," and Kurt wanted to scoff and slap her simultaneously because she was so egotistical that she thought that she was epitome of everything good when, actually, Kurt would far rather be himself with his '_lesser_' achievements then be as big-headed as her with her victory at the Winter Showcase. "And just when we were getting inseparable!" Oh, okay, there were _two_ straws that broke the camel's back because this was _not_ on him after _she_ had ditched _him_ for all of her '_friends_' at NYADA that would not give a _shit_ about her if she hadn't have won the Winter Showcase because they were just pathetic _suck-ups_!

"We became close because _you_ became tolerable," he shot back because that was entirely true. Kurt was a diva – they both were – but he had _never_ been insufferable as Rachel had been in Lima with all of her jumped ideas about her talent and self-worth. "But now you've got that weird, _naked_ boyfriend," and okay, he hadn't been intending to get that grievance dealt with now, but he might as well do it all at once. "and that weird _legion of sycophants_! Now, now you're like an _annoying_, _self_-_righteous_ _Lima!Rachel_ on _steroids_!" He exhaled sharply, not bothering to hold anything back because what was the point of holding anything back? It wasn't like Rachel even _cared_ about him or what he thought. No, that Rachel was _gone_.

"You know, let _me_ give you a little bit of truth, Kurt," and even the way she _argued_ was aggravating him because he wanted her to scream at him, and for them to have some sort bitch-fight, but instead she was just being patronising like she knew so much more than Kurt when it was _Kurt_ that had been far more exposed to the ways of the world then her. "The only reason that Carmen Tibbideaux even let you _sing_ at the Winter Showcase was because she knew that you and I were friends!" Kurt snorted in disbelief because was complete and utter crap, and _why_ would _Carmen Tibbideaux care_ about who Rachel was friends with?

"You might have _won_ the Winter Showcase," he shot back. "but _my_ performance was the one everyone was talking about because _I_._ Blew_._ You_._ Away_." He stressed the ending of his rant very hard, just to press the point home and shove it into her blocked ears. "And I could do it again," he said, cockily, seeing her on the back foot. "Midnight Madness; you and me; head to head," and he wasn't sure where that had come from except that the idea of knocking Rachel down in a vocal fight had been sitting in the back of his mind for a while now, and after Adam had mentioned it when Kurt had been ranting about Rachel to him, the idea had lingered somewhere in the recesses of his mind, waiting to strike like an aftershock after the initial earthquake.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, babe," she said, and, oh, there was her arrogance and confidence, but Kurt was confident that it was all a front, and two could play at that game – Kurt had all his masks perfected.

"Oh, why not?" he asked, challenging her and pushing her further towards saying yes.

"Because I already beat you once," she said, and Kurt rolled his eyes because the Winter Showcase didn't count because he hadn't been eligible for the competition. "diva off, Sophomore year," and Kurt smirked because he could pull the rug right out from under her feet. "remember?"

"Only because I threw it," he said, watching in satisfaction as her confident expression slid off her face to be replaced by confusion. "that high F in _Defying Gravity_: I can hit that baby in my sleep. I missed the note on purpose." And it felt really good to watch Rachel slip and slide down through snowballing bad emotions – fear, worry, confusion, loss – because it made a nice change from that being him.

"Okay why would do that?" she demanded, clearly trying to hold onto her over-confident exterior even though she was panicking because, well, there went her self-belief.

"Because I didn't want to win," he said, shrugging casually like it was nothing. "I wanted to save my dad the embarrassment of having a son sing a song written for a woman." Rachel stared at him in wide eyed horror.

"I don't believe you, take that back." Kurt stared at her, face telling her that that was a ridiculous thing to say.

"I can't: it's truth time," he replied, glad that he was dominating in this situation.

"That was my first big win!" and Kurt pulled an expression that said he really didn't care because she'd treated him like crap and been intolerable, and she was receiving her just desserts, and that if she couldn't handle the truth than she shouldn't have brought it up. "That was the foundation that I built all of my confidence on for the past _two years_!" he could see that tears were shining in her eyes, and the part of him that allowed him to genuinely believe that he was a better person than Rachel felt bad for that, but in all honesty, most of Kurt didn't care about that. He was tired of being treated like second best by the people that he thought had cared about him the most, and he was tired of people forcing him to doubt his own worth as a person, and he was _tired_ of waiting in the wings and taking the hits! He was done being people's lackey and punch bag! He was just as talented as Rachel, and after everything that he'd been through, he deserved to come out on top. Rachel hadn't suffered _anything_, and the way she was reacting over this situation was confirmation for him that she needed to be taken down a peg or two and introduced to reality.

"Oh…Consider it cracked," he said in triumph. "Get ready for diva off part two, and this time, I'm not throwing _anything_." He took pleasure in the wrought expression on Rachel's face that said she was adrift in a sea of self-doubt. "Enjoy your tea," he said as he walked past her, head held high and confident smirk on his face. He had this in the bag.

* * *

"You challenged your _best friend_ to a _Midnight Madness_? Your _best friend_ and a _Midnight Madness_? Why would you- your _best friend_ and _roommate_...and _Midnight Madness_!" Kurt, who had been pacing the stage in the Apples' auditorium, came to an abrupt halt and glared, intensely, at Adam.

"If you say the words '_best friend_' or '_Midnight Madness_' again, I will slap you." The Brit's eyes went slightly wide as he stared at Kurt, and Kurt smirked slightly at Adam's obvious, probably partially fake, fear.

"Okay," he said in a meek tone of voice. "but _seriously_. Why would you do that? You only challenge your _worst enemy_ to a-" he broke off before he said the phrase '_Midnight Madness_' again and searched around for an alternative. "-a diva off of these proportions. You invite the bitch in the class that thinks she's a star when she's not; that never lets anyone else speak; that's arrogant and self-centred and doesn't listen to anyone else; that hogs Free Sing; that you want to slap _every time_ she opens her mouth, and I'm describing Rachel perfectly, aren't I?" Kurt, who had been trying to stop the corners of his mouth from tweaking upwards in a smile, nodded with a serious expression on his face. Adam cast his eyes around the room. "Why is it that everyone from Ohio that I've either met or heard about is _insane_?" he demanded, eventually, and Kurt snorted.

"Because the only way to define the New Directions in one word is to use the word '_insane_'," he said, smirking. Adam laughed, shaking his head in amusement.

"I'll take your word for it," he commented, raking a hand through his blonde hair and making it stand on end slightly. "but are you sure about this? Forget everything you think know about diva offs: Midnight Madness is a vocal battle to the death – it's not worth opening your mouth to sing again if you don't win. This destroys self-confidence and ruins friendships, are you absolutely sure you want to go through with this?"

"_Yes_," said Kurt without a second thought. Adam's eyebrows arched, and Kurt sighed, throwing his arms up into the air in exasperation. "look, even if I _wanted_ to back out, I can't! You said it's not worth opening my mouth if I lose, but it'd be even _worse_ if I challenged Rachel to it and then backed out, right?" Adam sighed, conceding the point with a nod. "Besides, I don't _want_ to back out. I _cannot tolerate_ her big-headedness, her ego and self-centredness anymore. I _need_ to do this because Rachel can be stubborn and difficult and a complete _bitch_, but she is also my best friend, and if tearing her down makes her a better person than I _have to_ do it." He shook his head. "And I need to do this for _me_. I need to beat her." He sighed. "I _have to do this_." Adam bit down on his bottom lip but then nodded.

"Okay," he said, getting to his feet and walking away from the piano where he had been sat and over to Kurt. "as long as you're sure." Kurt nodded once more, and Adam smiled at him. "Okay, well, I will be right beside you throughout all of this," he promised, and Kurt smiled at him, a little embarrassed. "I mean it," said Adam. "in that room, I will be sitting next to you until you perform and then after you perform, and unless you flop, which you won't, I will be on your side." Kurt nodded, sending him a grateful smile.

"Thanks," he said, wringing his hands a little, betraying how nervous he was, and sighing. "I-" he broke off, shaking his head because the question he had been about to ask was stupid. Adam frowned at him, tilting his head to the side and staring at Kurt intensely.

"What?" he asked. "Come on, you can ask me." Kurt shook his head.

"No, I was going to ask you for advice, but you're _way_ too nice to have been involved in a Midnight Madness." Adam snorted.

"You flatter me, Kurt Hummel," Kurt arched an eyebrow, silently contradicting him. Adam rolled his eyes. "Okay, you're right: I have never challenged anyone; no one has ever challenged me, _but_ I have been at them. In fact, I've even hosted one so I can walk you through it because we literally have a script for it." Kurt smiled at him, sighing in relief. "We'll go into a large, empty classroom. We'll set up quickly, the band will already be tuned, and then whoever is in charge will run through the rules: one song at a time; two singers per song; if you go flat you lose; the playing space has been split into two – one side per competitor. After the song they'll give the audience the signal, and they stand with whoever they think won; majority rules; the groups' decision is final; no appeal; no mercy, and only silent applause, and then the tag line: this is not a performance…" Adam paused for dramatic effect. "this is a blood sport. Got that?" Kurt took a deep breath, running through everything Adam had just said in his head and then nodded.

"Yeah, okay, I got it." Adam smiled him.

"Then they'll call out the first pair, and that's probably going to be you and Rachel because there's been no news of any other challenges so far, but there _will_ be, believe me." Kurt nodded, not at all pleased with the prospect of going first. "Now because _you_ challenged Rachel, you have to start the song." Kurt swallowed, again not liking the idea of being the first singer. "The song is picked then, and you can decline if you don't know it, but you might want to avoid that because it looks bad...it is meant to be off performance alone, but, you know," he shrugged. "that sort of thing sways the mind." Kurt nodded, reckoning that he would probably be okay with that because he kept himself up-to-date on music as best he could and was always trying to broaden his knowledge on the topic he loved so much. "I wouldn't worry about that too much, though, because the songs they pick from _tend_ – though, not always – to be from musicals." Kurt sighed in relief.

"Good," he muttered, and Adam nodded and then paused, shrugging slightly.

"Well, Rachel's also got a very good knowledge of musicals, right?" Kurt rolled his eyes slightly but nodded, a little annoyed at Adam for puncturing some of his confidence. Adam pulled an apologetic face. "Sorry, had to put that out there. Now, the thing you need to be aware of is that once you stand next to spotlight, the band is going to start playing straight away – they don't wait for you because we're under time pressure: you have to be ready to perform like _that_," he said, snapping his fingers. Kurt nodded in understanding. "You need to pitch the first note in your head the moment you hear the song title, okay?" Kurt nodded once more. "The hardest part is going to be getting the first note spot on. After that you'll be completely fine, but if it's the first note of the entire night then it's not going to be hard for you to hit it slightly under or slightly over." Kurt nodded again, mentally composing himself for that because he had a very good sense of pitch so he could do that, he was sure of it. "And if you have to adjust then adjust." Kurt arched an eyebrow, silently demanding to know why Adam might think he wouldn't correct himself if he was out of tune. Adam shrugged. "I saw someone do that: they hit the note, but it was under, and they didn't want to bring attention to the fact that they'd slightly miss-pitched so they held this long, flat note. It shows musicality and sensibility if you adjust."

"Okay," said Kurt, swallowing and running a hand through his hair. "okay, I can do all that." Adam beamed at him.

"Of course you can," he said, rolling his eyes. "you're Kurt Hummel, you can do anything." Kurt laughed a little, face splitting into a grin, feeling something warm rush up inside of him, making his confidence swell and grow until he felt his not-yet-won victory with every part of his body.

* * *

"Are you ready?" Kurt jumped slightly as Adam sneaked up behind him. It was nearly midnight, but Kurt felt wide awake, and so he span around and glared at the handsome Senior with full force. "Okay…" said Adam, holding up his hands and grinning. "I'll take that as a yes. How are you feeling?" Kurt shrugged.

"Okay," he said, eventually, because even though people had been telling him that there was no way he could beat the winner of the Winter Showcase, he still felt pretty confident about the whole thing because Rachel had not been that confident at all. "I think I'm okay. Any final pieces of advice?" he asked, looking around and seeing Rachel surrounded by her posse and deep in conversation – well, she was talking very fast, and they were listening raptly, so it might not really count as a _conversation_ because that word implied input from both parties.

"Be a good sport," said Adam, drawing Kurt's attention back to him, and he arched his eyebrow at the older boy. Adam shrugged. "It can't hurt, and it's probably stuff you'll do anyway: pay attention to her when she's singing, be respectful and be gracious and dignified regardless of the outcome." Kurt nodded, rolling his eyes a little because that was simply polite manners, and then felt himself tense as Brody came striding along, clipboard in hand and opened the doors to the classroom.

"Is he allowed to be hosting it?" he demanded in a hiss as they walked into the room, Adam guiding Kurt to the floor right at the front on one side of the white line. "He _is_ her boyfriend!" Adam glanced at Brody for a second before shaking his head and thus confusing Kurt because did that mean Brody was wrong or Kurt.

"Actually, it's better for you that he's in charge," he muttered as the chairs were set up and Rachel sank into one on the other side, opposite to them. Kurt arched an eyebrow, demanding to know how _that_ worked. "The host can't vote," explained Adam in a whisper, leaning in so Kurt could hear him. "so that's one less vote for her." Kurt nodded in understanding, feeling a little better about that, and then focused in on Brody.

It turned out that Adam been joking and/or lying when he said that the host had a script as Brody rattled off the rules in exactly the same way that Adam had delivered them, meaning that Kurt was able to focus on taking deep breaths and composing himself, attempting to shove the Rachel that had been his friend from his mind and simply focus on the one that he had been dealing with and had forced the situation to this point so that he could be completely and utterly ruthless. However, he couldn't get too worked up about that Rachel because he needed to keep his head cool and mind clear.

He smiled a little when he and Rachel were called up as Adam patted him on the back, muttering that he would be awesome under his breath, because that gesture seemed so much more real and meaningful than the showy high-fives that Rachel had got from the two minions that sat before her chair, and he had to stop the smile from growing when Brody announced they were singing _Bring Him Home_ because he _knew_ that song _very_ well – they both did, actually, but Kurt probably better – and Kurt could ace it and win. However, he tried to keep his mind away from that and focused instead on what Adam had told him to: the starting note.

The band started playing, and Kurt exhaled gently as the spotlight illuminated him, listening carefully to the notes of the band and triple checking the note that he was holding inside of his head, swallowing to get rid of the dryness that had appeared in his throat because of nerves and anxiety, and readied himself for the start of the song;

_God on high_

_Hear my prayer_

The moment he sank into that first high note, he stopped worrying about the performance because once he'd hit that spot on he didn't have to worry about the others because they fell naturally from his mouth after that. He felt himself relax and was glad of that because if he was too tense than he might strain his voice, overreach or, worse, fall off a note, but if he was calm he could move through the song as if it was still water.

_In my need_

_You have always been there…_

And something that he had not previously considered came into his mind: what did he _feel_? Before now he'd seen this as a challenge based purely on his technical ability to sing, but this wasn't just a song: it was a _prayer_; a _plea_; it was one man standing in the midst of death and _begging_ for that sentient being that had allowed so much evil into the world to have _mercy_, just once, and _save_ someone. It was reaching out in loneliness, and he looked at Rachel because she was a lot of things, and one of those was someone that he reached out to when he was all alone…though not anymore.

And he knew how she'd sound singing this: she'd belt it out in her strong voice, hitting every note spot on, and she would sound _stronger_ than Kurt. His voice was lighter, and did that sound, maybe to some, like frailty? Except the song was about that because when you were strong you didn't plead or beg. No this was – tears were filling his eyes, he knew, at the memory but he had to remember it – the moment beside his dad's bed; standing all alone with the one person he had faith in lying prone and unconscious before him, and wanting just one thing: for something, anything, anyone, to–

_Bring him home…_

–and Rachel could _feel_ this song, and she could have tears in her eyes because of what it was about, but she couldn't _know_ this song in the way that Kurt did because Kurt's life had led him to the deep despairs of desperation that she couldn't know, and frankly, ones he hoped she _never_ got to know.

_If God had granted me a son…_

Kurt found himself thinking of his mum; thinking about how different – how much _easier_ – everything would have been if he had had her by his side throughout all the many ups and downs; thinking about the infinite possibilities that were spawned by that: each decision forking and growing and taking away the pain that he felt in the moment of being all alone.

_How soon they fly_

_On and on_

_And I am old_

_And will be gone…_

The entire situation was being made worse by the weight of his dad's cancer, and how heavily it still played on his mind; about how his rationality told him that he had to give in and accept that everyone lived and a part of living was dying, and how he would have to let go of his dad, and that his dad would be taken away from him even if Kurt couldn't bear to think about the world in which his dad was not a part of it.

_You can give…_

So how could anyone believe in an all-loving being that _constantly_ took loved ones away on a whim and left their relatives behind in pain, and only replaced that life with a different one that would be taken away eventually...how could anyone believe in that?

_Let him live…_

Too many people in the world died, and in the last three years, Kurt had known _three people_ that had been pulled back from the brink of death, but that was all good fortune, and there wasn't a lot of that in the world, so how long before the winning streak inevitably ended?

_Let me die…_

And he was sure that the next time it happened, the life would slip away, and even though his dad insisted that his cancer was curable, Kurt still wished that his dad did not have to go through something like this again. Though he knew his dad would feel no better for it, why couldn't this inflict itself on Kurt instead?

_Bring him home…_

It was miracle that Kurt wasn't full on crying as he held his last note, letting it die away into nothing, because all he was feeling was an aching sadness that spoke of his fear, his loneliness and the pain wrought from his love for his dad.


	34. Chapter 34

**_Dear readers,_**

**_I am updating again! Basically, I was intending to do this tomorrow, but I was just really excited about this chapter because I finally get to share with you things that have been stuffed up in my head since I wrote about Thad's attempted suicide! Seriously, the idea that this storyline revolves around is something that started in chapter 12, and I've just been waiting to bring this out of Thad and Sebastian's storyline that happens inside my head and in random things that I've written and into the main one! Also, the scene at the end was something that I mentally cut from chapter 14 and instead alluded to it in one clause, so now, 20 chapters later, I finally get to write it and share it with you! I'm probably overexcited, sorry! Hopefully, I'll update again sometime mid-week, and thanks for all your continued support - I'm so glad that those of you I heard from liked 'Bring Him Home' because I just listened to the song over and over and wrote what immediately connected to me, so I'm glad it worked!_**

**_I really hope you enjoy this chapter, and I've used too many exclamations in this author note for my liking, but oh well!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."_ ― Mother Teresa

* * *

The two boys broke apart; Sebastian as composed as ever, Thad blushing scarlet, and Blaine laughed a little at them, clapping over his head, as Nick and Jeff let out wolf-whistles and whoops along with several other boys. Blaine looked over at the New Directions and saw most of them sharing quizzical frowns and rather impressed expressions, probably at the way the Warblers could almost instantly break into a cappella harmony, if they knew the song well enough, so it was lucky they all seemed to be well up on Uncle Kracker.

"Okay," said Sebastian, patting Thad's shoulder and exchanging a final grin with his friend before turning to David, who was still frozen in his position with wide eyes. "we should-"

"_Okay_?!" exclaimed David in a surprisingly squeaky voice that made everyone else either snort or break out into a fit of giggles, seemingly breaking from his stupor at Sebastian's casual words. "_**Okay**_?!" he repeated, this time in a roar, clearly allowing his anger to come to the front. "_O_- _You_- _O_- _I_-" David began to splutter in furious indignation, gesticulating wildly. Blaine put a hand over his mouth, hiding his smile and fighting the urge to break down into giggles again. David pinched the bridge of his nose. "You two have a row that escalates into a _physical fight_, and you don't so much as _look_ at each other or _tell us _what you fought about, and then, _suddenly_, after _one song_ because one of you is reading a _notebook all night_ and is writing the other _secret_, _hilarious notes_, _everything_ is **_okay_**?!" Thad and Sebastian exchanged a look before nodding.

"Yeah, basically," said Sebastian, coolly whilst Thad mussed up his already tousled hair and looked marginally awkward. "that's a pretty neat summation of the situation." David threw his hands up into the air, letting out a frustrated groan before running his hands down his face in clear exasperation.

"Yeah, but _why_ did you fight? Why did _punch_ each other? Why the notebook? Why the notes? And _why the __**hell**_ did you start singing _Uncle_ – _**freakin'**_ – _Kracker_ out of the blue!" There was a moment of silence in which Thad and Sebastian made eye contact once more, and Thad shifted uncomfortably, smiling slightly as he looked away.

"Promises," muttered Thad, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room and blushing. "and I _promise_ to tell you _later_, but I believe we have _another_ promise to fulfil to the New Directions." There was a moment of silence before David silently backed down, nodding, and Finn stepped forward, clearly sensing that the field was now open for players outside the close inner circle of both Blaine's friends, and the Warblers in general.

"Right, yeah, so what should we start off with?"

* * *

"Blaine," said Finn as they all spilt out of Warbler hall after a long rehearsal that had seen, thankfully, the Warblers and New Directions work together really well. Blaine had had fun trying out harmonies and dance moves to random songs whilst trying to work out how the concert they were going to put on was actually going to function. There had been lots of laughter and camaraderie, and Blaine was overjoyed by that. "thanks for doing this, man." Blaine shrugged, giving all the New Directions, who were standing around, a huge grin.

"It's nothing," he assured. "_seriously_. You guys are my friends, and everything, and well," he shrugged slightly. "I haven't really seen you guys properly since I moved so it's great to see you all and sing and perform together again!" There were some nods, and Blaine stuck his hands into his trouser pockets and cast a glance around to see his friends conglomerating off to the side.

"You know, you should really come back to Lima more often," said Tina, giving him a disapproving look.

"Yeah," agreed Sam. "the last time you didn't even stop and say hello." Blaine exhaled, looking mildly bashful as he averted his gaze down to his shoes and the floor.

"I'm sorry about that," he replied, pulling a face that said he sort of regretted it. "It's just- I'd just had this conversation with my dad, and I just needed some time on my own…" he looked at them apologetically, and he saw that there was more forgiveness on the faces of the newer members and Finn whilst Sam, Tina and Artie didn't look at all pleased with him. "and I'm sorry I don't visit more. It's just…" he shrugged. "It's a long drive back, and I have a lot of homework, and Warblers and stuff…" he trailed off, glancing around and noticing that his friends were staring at him, clearly waiting for him to arrive.

"You should come back with us now," suggested Finn. "we can all go out for coffee, or something." Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip, really wanting to go, but he knew that he had to hear what had happened from the two friends. He winced, looking up at his friends apologetically again.

"I'm sorry, I can't really do it today. I really need to hear what's happened." All the New Directions looked over his head at his close, Warblers friends, and Blaine bit down on his bottom lip and hoped that they would understand. He saw several roll their eyes, and Sam, Artie and Tina shared irritated looks. Brittany looked confused. Finn nodded, trying to pull out a casual expression.

"Yeah, of course! You have to- I mean, it was a bad fight, and everything, and he's…you know…yeah, we get it." Blaine smiled up at them, glad that they got how important this all was to him, especially that Blaine really had to be there for Thad and everything, and he quickly hugged them all in goodbye, getting a confused mutter from Brittany about dolphins and sharks that he decided it was probably best to ignore, and then stepped back, beginning to half run backwards.

"I'll see you guys soon!" he called out, waving several times before turning around so that he was facing the people he was running towards. Sebastian rolled his eyes, clearly telling him that it was about time. Thad gave him a nervous grin, scratching the back of his neck as all their attention focused on the two friends. "Okay, I'm here. Do we get answers now?" he asked, arching his eyebrows at them. Sebastian rolled his eyes once more, nodding with a rather tired expression on his face that said he had better things to do with his time.

"_Fine_, I take it you want a blow-by-blow account of everything that happened in excruciating detail?" There was a pause before the five friends not involved in the row exchanged looks that said that was precisely what they wanted and then nodded in sync. Sebastian let out a huffy sigh, rolling his eyes, and Thad shifted a little.

"Um well, we were just talking," he began in a decidedly nervous tone of voice. "um, and then we-" he broke off again, flushing, and Sebastian rolled his eyes in an exasperated manner and took over;

"Basically, we were talking about ducks – it's a long story, not relevant to this – and then Thad noticed that some of my stuff was still on/under his bed." Blaine looked over at David, who was frowning intently, and then at the others, who merely looked curious and confused. "And because he's _Thad_ this pissed him off a lot," Blaine rolled his eyes slightly, getting the feeling that this was going to be one of their stupid rows that had somehow escalated into something very serious. "especially because I'd promised him I'd move it, and then I pointed out that _he_ didn't keep his promises-" Blaine smacked his hand into his forehead, closing his eyes in weary exasperation because, _of course_, Sebastian had done the stupid thing and brought up Thad's suicide. "-and then he got even more angry and said that was irrelevant. So I called him a hypocrite and pointed out that promises are just words, and they don't really mean anything, and then he punched me in the face...twice, and then I punched him once in return, and that's about it."

There was an incredulous pause after Sebastian's story finished. Thad went even redder, ducking his head and staring at his shoes, seemingly understanding how stupid their fight had been, and Blaine sank his head into his hands, shaking it from side to side and wondering just how the two of them hadn't come to blows before if Sebastian brought up Thad's attempted suicide when they were having a petty argument. Looking up, Blaine saw that David was glaring at both of them, Nick and Jeff were staring at them with wide, baffled eyes and Trent was pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head, rolling his eyes.

"No," spat David. "that is not _it_! Why the hell did that push you over the edge and make you punch him, Thad? You _never_ punched him before, and he has pissed you off _a lot_. In fact, I recall you going considerable lengths to _avoid_ hitting him." Thad sighed, shuffling his feet, and nodded.

"Because," he said, sighing and looking up, meeting David's eyes with his own, tired ones. "he's never _hurt_ me before. All the other times when we argued, he just pissed me off, and he's only ever hurt me one other time, but then I was too upset and scared and afraid to punch him, but this time...I was more hurt than angry..." Blaine bit down on the inside of his lip, frowning but thinking that he got what Thad was saying: all the other times, Thad had just been mad at him, but he'd never felt the need to lash out and inflict what Sebastian had done back at him; Sebastian had never really, properly, emotionally _hurt_ Thad on a very deep level before...they should probably be grateful for that. David nodded a little, but he was still frowning. Thad sighed once more. "It hurt me so much because Sebastian made me a promise, and he basically said that it was worthless..."

"What did he promise?" asked Nick, curiously, staring between the two boys with eyes alight with interest. Thad broke out into a tiny smile, and Blaine was pretty sure that Sebastian was blushing faintly.

"I promised him..." began Sebastian in an even voice as he looked over their heads. "Remember when I came back into his hospital room after I stormed out; when I voluntarily hugged him, I whispered something to him?" Blaine cast his mind all the way back to that painful day and focused in on the moment when Sebastian had pulled Thad into that hug; Thad had cried and Sebastian had held him, and then, yes, Sebastian had muttered something in his ear that had made them both smile. They all nodded. Sebastian sighed and composed himself before he spoke again; "I promised him that I'd make him smile every day."

There was another pause in which Blaine blinked and stared at Sebastian, trying to work out whether he was telling the truth because that was really _not_ a Sebastian promise, but one look at Thad, whose face was so red that it rivalled a ripe tomato, said that it was true. Blaine rubbed a hand across his forehead, getting the impression that his brain was crashing because of the weirdness of the situation.

"Well," said Jeff, eventually. "I suppose that explains the song...and the notes...sort of..." Blaine snorted, finding himself able to smile properly because that was a ridiculously sweet thing for Sebastian to have done.

"Wait," said Trent, frowning and looking over at David, who was frozen and clearly in deep thought. "if he made that promise, then why did it take you ages to figure out that he was sending you the notes? I mean, isn't it obvious that the person who promised to make you smile is the person sending you notes that make you smile?"

"No," said Thad, shaking his head. "the reason I punched him was because I thought that the promise was meaningless, which really hurt me, so it didn't seem logical that he would try and uphold the promise that was worthless...I honestly thought it was Nick and Jeff." There was a pause in which Nick and Jeff both blinked and then looked at each other in surprise. "I didn't say because I didn't want it to stop."

"But what about the days before the notes started?" asked Trent. "Haven't you broken the promise? Doesn't make it pointless now?" Sebastian shook his head as Thad's face fell.

"No," said Sebastian firmly. "I drew the smiley faces." Thad blinked and looked at him with wide eyes.

"_You_ drew the smiley faces on _all_ my shirt labels and in _all_ my textbooks." There was a moment of confused silence in which Blaine, Nick, Jeff and David traded baffled looks and Trent's eyes lit up in understanding.

"So _that's_ what you were doing in the wardrobe!" exclaimed Trent, and Blaine stared at him with a mildly disturbed expression on his face whilst Sebastian rolled his eyes.

_"Yes_! I wasn't actually reorganising everything!" Blaine felt his eyebrows arch in confusion and looked over at Nick, Jeff and David, the former two looked equally lost and the latter was staring hard at Sebastian.

"Right..." said Blaine. "No, sorry, what's going on?" Thad sighed and reached into his school bag and pulled out his French textbook. He handed it to Blaine who, very confused, opened it and looked at the inside cover, which had a very large smiley face drawn on it that was sticking its tongue out and winking. Blaine looked over at his other friends, that had peered over his shoulder, and they shared disturbed looks again. "Okay..." he said, handing the book back to Thad. "so you drew that in all of his textbooks...?"

"And on all my shirt labels," said Thad, rolling his eyes and tucking the textbook back into his bag, as Sebastian shrugged and looked self-satisfied. Blaine laughed a little, shaking his head and accepting the fact that their friendship was just really weird, and insanely cute given that it involved Sebastian. "I smiled when I got changed into my shirt, and when I checked that I had all my textbooks in the morning...I, again, thought was Nick and Jeff." The couple looked each other once more and then beamed back at Thad, clearly flattered by Thad assuming they would do such strange things.

"Wait a minute," said Jeff, after Thad had smiled half nervously, half apologetically at him and Jeff. "how did you get the notes in his books and draw the smiley faces?" Sebastian rolled his eyes, telling them all that they were stupid.

"I did the smiley faces on the first night, after Blaine had fallen asleep. I knew it would take a couple of days for him to use all his textbooks, and then when he moved back in, I wrote the notes and slipped them into random pages. I knew that, eventually, in the lessons as he flicked through the book, they'd fall out onto his desk." Blaine stared at Sebastian with slightly raised eyebrows, marvelling at the amount of _thought_ and planning that Sebastian put into each other his strange gestures; it was sort of devious and cunning, but at the time, it was too endearing for either of those words to properly apply.

"Why did you let him punch you?" asked David, eventually, looking at Sebastian with narrowed eyes. "You're faster and stronger than him, and you know he'd feel awful after he did, so why did you let him hit you, _twice_?" They all looked up at Sebastian, including Thad, as the taller boy ran a hand through his hair and shrugged.

"Well, he's all weak and puny in the- _Ow_!" Blaine snorted as Thad punched Sebastian's upper arm. Sebastian scowled, rubbing the spot and glaring at Thad. David rolled his eyes heavily as Nick and Jeff giggled and Trent rubbed his forehead in a long suffering manner. "As I was saying, Thad isn't the strongest, especially not in the upper body, so I let him punch me once because it couldn't do a lot of damage – I thought he might feel better for it, after all, Blaine didn't die from guilt after he punched me." Blaine rolled his eyes slightly at the reminder, and Thad shuffled his feet. "Anyway, after he hit me in the cheek, I pointed out that he'd completely missed my nose and that his hand-eye coordination had to be worse than I thought it was, and then he punched me again."

"Are you _serious_?" demanded David as Blaine face-palmed, running his hand down his face exasperatedly, and the other three boys snorted at Sebastian's rather affronted tone of voice. "He punched you, and then you decided to _goad_ him? What is _wrong_ with you?" Sebastian shot David a glare that said there was nothing wrong with him that made Blaine snort loudly. "And why did you punch him back?" Sebastian shrugged.

"Well, he punched me twice, and he broke my nose, so I decided to stop him from punching me again."

"I'm going to kill you," groaned David, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. "Are you _seriously_ telling me that you couldn't have thought of another way to get him to stop punching you?"

"Well," said Sebastian, shrugging once more. "no, not really, and he punched me twice so it was only fair."

"How _old_ are you?" demanded David. "That's the excuse _Johnny _uses when Katy or Richie do something that annoys him!" Sebastian shrugged once more that said he didn't really care, and Blaine knew that they weren't going to get anywhere with that conversation so he decided to change topic.

"So, can I ask what the little, black notebook is?" Sebastian looked at Thad, who nodded with a small smile, and to Blaine's surprise, Sebastian reached into his inside breast pocket and withdrew the small, leather bound book. Everyone stared at him with wide eyes.

"You keep that in your _pocket_?" asked Thad in mild disbelief. Sebastian looked around, perhaps flushing, and shrugged slowly, clearly unsure why everyone was gaping at him.

"Yes..." he said, slowly. "Is there something wrong with that?" Thad shook his head, instantly.

"No, it's just-" he broke off, and Blaine was amused to see that he was blushing again. "Never mind," he said, turning back to his other five friends. "it's what I gave Sebastian for Christmas; it took me a while to finish, though, that's why I didn't give it at yours, David." David nodded in understanding, and Sebastian opened up the book. The rest of them crowded round to see what was in it, and Blaine grinned a little bit when he saw that a picture of Thad and Sebastian, smiling and sort of hugging, from David's had been taped to the inside cover and on the first page was written, in Thad's neatest handwriting; '_I promise to make you smile every day_'. On the next two pages were several text messages sent between them, but it was what was on the next double page spread that made them all laugh; there were lyrics to _Under the Sea_ and pictures from that song in the film covering them, and the largest picture (Ariel sitting on the rock with Sebastian sitting on her tail) had been annotated with an arrow pointing to Sebastian saying '_Sebastian impersonates a singing lobster!_' and one to Ariel that said '_Thad?!_' in Thad's handwriting, but there was another arrow pointing to the word '_lobster_' and in small capitals Sebastian had written; '_SEBASTIAN IS A CRAB!_', and underlined the last word several times for emphasis.

"Um," said Blaine, snorting once more in amusement about the clear indignation that Sebastian managed to convey with one sentence and two exclamation marks, not to mention the fact that Sebastian was indignant over Thad not knowing that a Disney character was a crab and not a lobster. "what is that about?"

"Well," said Thad, looking up at Sebastian with a growing smile. "remember on my first day back at Dalton after..." he swallowed, heavily, and shook his head. "anyway, you found us laughing in the gym?"

"Well, you were giggling, but yes," commented David as Blaine nodded. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"I had just performed that," he said, calmly. Everyone looked at him with wide eyes and arched eyebrows. Sebastian rolled his eyes once more. "I went to the gym after our lessons ended to cool off..."

* * *

Sebastian hurled the lacrosse ball at the white, painted outline of a goal on the wall of the gym. The yellow ball flew across the empty space and smacked against the wall, well inside the lines, and bounced back, eventually rolling to his feet. He scooped it up with his stick and, shifting his position so that he was standing fully side on, threw the ball once more.

Thad walked into the gym accompanied by the repeated sound of balls smacking against hard surfaces and saw that Sebastian had launched a slightly more viscous assault on the wall by scooping up another ball the moment he'd thrown one and hurling it after the previous one, meaning that there was a constant stream of balls being picked up, flying through the air, colliding with the wall, rebounding and then rolling back to him.

"What did the wall do to you?" he asked, casually. Sebastian jumped a little and spun around, leaning against his lacrosse stick.

"Nothing," he shot back, smirking briefly. There was a moment of silence in which the two best friends stared at each other with blank expressions until Sebastian sighed, standing upright and lifting up his stick. "I've been told I need to vent...preferably at inanimate objects whose feelings I can't hurt." Thad looked down at his shoes.

"Sorry," he muttered. Sebastian rolled his eyes faintly, huffing.

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah it is," countered Thad, looking him in the eyes with a glint in his eyes.

"No, it's not. You need to vent too." Sebastian threw the stick at Thad, and Thad leapt forward to catch it before Sebastian's beloved stick clattered to the ground. They shared a small laugh after Thad had regained his balance. Sebastian picked up one of the balls, and Thad sidled over to his side, biting on the inside of his mouth.

"What do I do?" he asked, looking nervously between the wall and Sebastian. Sebastian smiled wider, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"Firstly, you stop looking terrified because it's just you and me; I'm not going to hurt you, and I don't bite, I promise...well, I _do_ bite, but that's inappropriate to say the least..." he trailed off as Thad arched his eyebrows and pressed his mouth together into a line to try and stop himself from smiling and instead appear disapproving. However, he failed magnificently, and so the two friends broke out into laughter; Sebastian shaking his head, Thad looking at the floor. "and secondly," continued Sebastian as if that little aside had never happened and drawing Thad's eyes back to his face. "you need a ball." Sebastian dropped the ball into the mesh pocket of the stick. Thad smiled a little, looking between the stick and the wall in confusion.

"Do I just throw it?" he asked, and Sebastian rolled his eyes, smiling, and then shook his head.

"No, hang on," he expertly adjusted Thad's grip on the stick so that his right arm was nearer the middle and his left was at the bottom. Then he turned Thad almost side on, hands on his waist. "now throw over your head, and keep your eyes on the goal – it's easy." Thad twisted his head round on his neck to smile at Sebastian as the taller boy took a couple of steps backwards. Then he focused his gaze on the wall and threw. The stick arched through the air and sent the ball splatting straight down onto the floor a couple of feet from them. Sebastian snorted, and Thad rolled his eyes, breaking out into a sheepish smile. "Okay...you have to actually _throw_ the ball, Thad, you know? Aim the scoop at the wall." Sebastian picked up another ball and placed it in the pocket. "Try again." Thad took a second to compose himself and threw. The ball flew wildly off to the left. "And again," he said, picking up another ball and placing it in the pocket. Thad threw the ball, and it somehow went to the right, hit the wall and bounced away to the other end of the hall. Sebastian put his hands on his hips, arching his eyebrow, whilst Thad turned to him, sheepish grin in place. "You really lack hand-eye coordination, don't you?"

"Shut up," muttered Thad, shuffling his feet and resting the stick against the floor. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"Come here," said Sebastian, taking a step towards him and putting the stick in Thad's hand again and dropping a ball in the pocket. Then he spun Thad around and wrapped his arms around him so that his hands were just above his on the stick. Then he directed Thad's arms in a throw so that the ball hit the wall in the goal.

"Okay," said Thad, twisting round. "that was you." Sebastian smirked as they broke apart.

"I know. We'll need to find a different method for you," he said, taking the stick from Thad and putting it to one side. There was a heavy pause between them.

"I'm sorry," said Thad, examining his feet for a moment before glancing back into Sebastian's eyes. "I'm so sorry." Sebastian shook his head, fiercely, glaring at Thad intensely.

"I don't _care_ if you're sorry, Thad, that's not what's important; it's not what I care about." Thad frowned at his words as Sebastian stepped into his personal space. "I care that you're alive, and I care that you _trust me_ to look after you." Thad met his intense gaze hesitantly and swallowed.

"I do trust you, Bastian, I swear I do. I just-" he broke off, looking down, and Sebastian grabbed hold of his hands, clinging onto his friend, and Thad looked back at him.

"As one famous possessor of my name said; Thad, listen to me the human world; it's a mess." Thad let out a laugh at Sebastian, who had said the latter half of the sentence in a very good Jamaican accent.

"That is _excellent_!" he exclaimed in surprised delight, still laughing as Sebastian smirked. "I suppose you're going to tell me that life in the sea is better than anything on land." Sebastian gave him a condescending glare.

"Don't be ridiculous, Thad, humans can't breathe underwater." Thad rolled his eyes.

_The seaweed is always greener_

_In somebody else's lake..._

Sebastian began to sing in that same – _very good_ – Jamaican accent that made him sound scarily like Sebastian in the film, and Thad fought his laughter, grinning madly, as Sebastian began to sway them gently on the spot.

_Just look at the world around you_

_Right here on the ocean floor_

_Such wonderful things around you_

_What more is you lookin' for?_

Sebastian repeatedly span Thad around as he sang those lines, and Thad couldn't help laughing out loud as the gym blurred around him, and Sebastian caught him easily when he stopped, and he staggered a little, disorientated, and Sebastian smiled widely at him.

_Under the sea_

_Under the sea_

_Darling it's better_

_Down where it's wetter_

_Take it from me_

The two of them locked eye contact, Sebastian leading them in a dance that simply went round and round on the spot as Sebastian smiled at him and Thad grinned back, bonded by the knowledge of Sebastian's promise.

_Up on the shore they work all day_

_Out in the sun they slave away_

_While we devotin'_

_Full time to floatin'_

_Under the sea..._

Then Sebastian dipped him and spun on the spot 180 degrees very quickly. Thad let out a rather undignified scream in surprise, and when Sebastian, laughing through his singing, pulled him upright, Thad sank his head onto Sebastian's shoulder, giggling.

_The fish in the bowl is lucky_

_They in for a worser fate_

_One day when the boss get hungry_

_Guess who's gon' be on the plate_

Sebastian's voice dropped to an incredibly low bass like the other fish sang in, and Thad let out a surprised shout of laughter, doubling over in laughter once more as Sebastian continued to sing;

_Under the sea_

_Under the sea_

_Nobody beat us_

_Fry us and eat us_

_In fricassee..._

Sebastian tickled Thad as he began to sing about beating and frying and eating Thad in fricassee, and Thad squirmed uncontrollably whilst Sebastian smirked evilly, almost laughing as he sang, and Thad ended up slumped over his friend, who was still attempting to move them around in some form of a slow dance that was definitely undermined by the way Thad tried to avoid Sebastian's tickling hands.

_The newt play the flute..._

Sebastian began to plough through the rhyming section where the talents of the musical fish were named, not faltering once, clearly knowing the lyrics off by heart, and Thad kept laughing hysterically at him for that whilst Sebastian continued to dance him around in some manner.

_The fluke is the duke of soul_

_(Yeah)..._

Thad responded to Sebastian's rather enthusiastic singing with a quiet echo that caused Sebastian to kick his shin lightly and Thad to yelp and then duck his head and laugh some more.

_The black-fish she sings_

_(Ahhh!)..._

The next time, Thad let out a strange noise that was somewhere between a scream and a roar that caused Sebastian to snort in amusement, even though he managed to continue singing and dancing like it was nothing.

_An' oh that blowfish blow..._

Thad blew an uncouth raspberry to imitate the blowfish that earned a very disapproving glare from Sebastian.

_What do they got? A lot of sand_

_We got a hot crustacean band..._

Sebastian let go of Thad's hand as he sang the question and proceeded to pelt, via kicking and throwing, the other boy with the yellow balls, leading him to duck and yell in surprise, as well as sending him a suggestive wink at the word '_hot_' causing Thad to blush slightly and roll his eyes.

_Each little slug here_

_Cuttin' a rug here..._

At those lines, Sebastian imitated the dance that the animated, spotty purple slugs did by the spinning the two of them around when they were close together and then pulling away until they were at arm's length.

_Ya we in luck here_

_Down in the muck here_

_Under the sea_

Sebastian led them once more in there swaying-side-to-side, going-round-in-circles-on-the-spot dance as he sang the last few lines in Thad's face, his accent still intact despite the laughter and smiles on both their faces before spinning him one last time at the final line. There was a moment of silence at the end before the collapsed against each other, giggling, a few seconds before Blaine and David walked into the gym.


	35. Chapter 35

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Hello again! I meant to update yesterday, but the heat makes me both lazy and migraine-y so I didn't get round to doing it. Anyway, as I have sort of only just really clocked, I go away to a two week camp next Sunday so, obviously, I won't be able to update until I get back. That being so, I have decided that I will post up to chapter 38, which means that when I come back we will start the Valentine's Day arc as chapters 37 and 38 set things up for that storyline. Also, in other news that won't make much sense to you, I have finally managed to think up an independent storyline for Kurt post-Regionals, which took me a long time, so hopefully that will speed up the writing process. _**

**_T_****_his chapter features a little more of Adam's backstory after I realised I left out a very important in chapter 29, and on that matter, I want to clear up some things. This IS a Klaine story, but it's the story of how they get back together as opposed to the story of them being together. As of right now, Kurt isn't really ready, or in the right position, to help Blaine deal with what's happened, nor is Blaine ready to tell him, so in a sense it's the story of them acquiring that readiness. That's one of the reasons Blaine's storyline focuses a lot on Sebastian and Thad, and why Adam is a large part of Kurt's; other than the fact that I love writing the former and their plot bunnies are rabid and control my brain, and I find the latter very fun to write, because Sebastian and Thad's relationship has parallels, to a degree, of Kurt and Blaine's, and Adam, especially in the future, is going to be very useful for Kurt as he is in some ways like Blaine, having been abused and damaged, and in other ways like Kurt. So, yeah, it's a slow-burning story; sorry about that, I don't really know how else to write!_**

**_To Chrisch: well, Blaine sort of told everyone about the fight between him and Sebastian, but he didn't really go into too much detail because one look at Sebastian showed that he'd been punched in the face, and it's Sebastian so after Blaine said he'd punched him they all sort of shrugged and went "meh, he probably had that coming." Good to hear from you as always!_**

**_Okay, this note is really long, I'm sorry about that too, so enjoy!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it."_ ― Dale Carnegie, _How to Win Friends and Influence People_

* * *

"Okay, make your choice." Kurt tried to keep his breathing steady at Brody's words as he looked down into Rachel's eyes from where he stood on one side of the white line. He personally thought that his performance had been far better than Rachel's because – a – he was himself so it was kind of natural that he thought he'd done better and – b – his performance had had more depth and soul then Rachel's, which was really what NYADA was all about, and how he'd gotten in had had nothing to do with Rachel and all to do with the fact that he had managed to convince Carmen Tibbideaux that he had those things in abundance.

He smiled at the sight of Rachel's sycophants joining his side because – _see_ – they were shallow people that only cared about popularity and grinned down at Adam, who was still sitting on the floor next to him, not even bothering to get up. Adam beamed back up at him, winking and telling Kurt through the gesture that he had performed spectacularly, and that Adam thought he had won.

In reality, though, looking around at the crowd of students, he knew that neither him nor Rachel knew who had won because it looked like they had an even number of people on both sides. He desperately tried to count how many on Rachel's side, but his brain was whirring away too fast for him to grasp the numbers, or analyse the look on Brody's face as he carefully counted the number of people on both sides.

"Okay," said Brody, and Kurt _really_ didn't like the way he was looking at Rachel as the spoke. "the winner by the closest margin in Midnight Madness history-" and was he trying to _console_ Rachel as he looked at her? No, Kurt couldn't be sure. "-is Mr Kurt Hummel."

Kurt stared at Brody for a moment, words processing with his brain that was coming down from the trip that was adrenaline, and then let out a short laugh of disbelief and relief because he had _won_! He'd actually _won_! It was one thing to _feel_ that he would and _should_, but a complete other to actually have that. He'd _beaten Rachel_, the girl who he'd used to think got _everything_, and that felt _really_ good.

He looked around at the people that had sided with him, eyes locking with Adam, who had finally gotten to his feet, and in that moment, he really wanted to throw his arms around the tall Brit and hug him in thanks and joy and just _because_, but all the silent applause made him feel like that would be a very inappropriate thing to do. So he chose grinning widely and being buoyed internally by his success instead.

He sat by Adam for the rest of the Midnight Madness, the smile remaining on his face, and he and Adam always picked the winner of the well fought contests. However, what really caught his attention was Rachel's expression. She looked crestfallen and devastated, and Kurt couldn't believe it, but he actually felt a bit bad for her. He didn't know why – he'd won the competition fair and square – and if she couldn't handle failure than she was in real trouble because they were trying to get into _show business_, but that didn't stop him from biting down on the inside of his lip in a manner that seemed to be a little too much like regret for his liking.

He didn't know what was wrong with him because he had challenged her to the Midnight Madness for the exact reason of doing what he had just done so why did he feel bad the moment that he'd done?

He wasn't sure, but after the silent journey back to the apartment in which Brody had tried to break the awkward silence once but failed spectacularly, he would hazard a guess that seeing Rachel so downcast, defeated and distraught had come as a very painful reminder that people weren't clear-cut – there weren't different makes of people and so there wasn't one version of Rachel that was nice and tolerable and another that was a total nightmare and a bitch.

In fact, he should have known that a lot better than most because that was the entire mess with Blaine had shown him. The Blaine that was kind, courageous, caring, compassionate and loving was exactly the same Blaine that was lying, cheating, heart-breaking, infuriating and spineless, and _that_ was precisely why it hurt and tortured him so much, and _why_ was he voluntarily bringing up Blaine and using him as an analogy like he was over him when he wasn't and instead was just doing a very good job – aided by Adam – of keeping his mind _off_ him?

Either way, the point was that he had forgotten something very important that he really ought not to have: that his best friend was still in there, and that he had almost certainly hurt her feelings and wounded her on a very deep level. Still, he had been pushed to _breaking point_ by her outrageous behaviour towards him. He had needed to do what he'd done – it had been the only way for him to make the point and for her to actually _accept it_ – but that didn't mean he had to like seeing her so depressed…Alright, he was not going to lie, he had thought that it would feel good to see her like that. However, the point was that he didn't feel great. In all honesty, he felt terrible. He felt like an awful person even though he had won fair and square; proved that he was a top singer; accomplished exactly what he had wanted; deflated Rachel's ego…

Kurt was amazed that he had managed to sleep at all that night. He'd spent a lot of time tossing and turning, thinking over his victory and realising that he was less and less pleased with it. He felt stupid for that, but he supposed he hadn't realised exactly how fragile Rachel was. Kurt knew so many things better than most people, but he seemed to be failing at applying them to others. Kurt was all well too aware of how fleeting confidence was and how when people seemed to be at their strongest that they were likely at their weakest. He knew exactly how it felt to have rapidly growing confidence swell inside of you and for it to feel like nothing could stop you, and then for it to be punctured as easily as a pin bursting a balloon. Then it was just a devastating fall down.

So that morning he woke up with his alarm clock, and not because of Rachel's singing, but he didn't feel any more well rested. Instead, he felt tired and guilty as he trailed out of his room and caught sight of Brody standing in the kitchen, fully dressed which was shocking, and taking cookies out of a shopping bag and putting them on a tray with a large mug of tea. The older boy shot him a tight-lipped smile that said Kurt had won the competition fairly so it wasn't really his fault, but at the same time, he'd devastated his girlfriend so Brody had to be at least a little pissed off with him on principle before he picked up the tray and walked over to Rachel's room whilst an awkward silence hung between them that perfectly summed up the situation.

Kurt left for NYADA not long after Rachel came out of her room, hair puffy and messy, huge bags under her eyes and Brody hovering by her shoulder in a manner that suggested he was unsure what he was exactly meant to do because there was no way to challenge the decision made, and so it was hard to give comfort because what could he say? Sure, there had been a tiny margin that had been in favour of Kurt, but it was an all-or-nothing competition – losing was still losing; nothing could change that.

Kurt tried to make conversation with her as he wrapped one of his scarves around his neck, offering to wait for her and attempting to make peace with the offer of coffee, but he was shot down on both counts, and the flat tone to her voice just stabbed him somewhere in his conscience with far more force than he could ever have guessed something so blunt could possess. The complete deadness in her tone of voice struck him badly because Rachel was always so vivacious and full of life and individuality that it was truly horrible to see her in that manner. She didn't seem able to look him in the eye, no doubt feeling resentful for him doing that to her because it was always so much easier to blame other people for your pain than accept that you were experiencing it through a fault of your own. Kurt had to admit that he should have seen it coming, and Adam had warned him that this '_destroyed self-confidence and ruined friendships_', but of course, he hadn't taken that too seriously because, well, he had been in the right – still _was_ as a matter of fact, it just didn't _feel_ like it.

He spent the entire journey going over his win inside his head, trying to look at it from a relatively impartial point of view, and properly assess his victory. He, personally, was now of the opinion that their raw, vocal performance had probably been of a similar calibre, and, yes, Kurt reckoned that his had been filled with more real, deep emotion, but Rachel's voice was stronger and more powerful, and so probably came across better. Also, Kurt reckoned that he knew _Les Mis_ better than Rachel. They both loved musical theatre, but _Les Mis_ was one of Kurt's personal favourites, and Kurt undoubtedly knew it better than Rachel. Besides, Jean Valjean was a _guy's_ song; had it been a girl's song, the contest would have been much closer fought, or so Kurt reckoned.

He arrived at NYADA bang on time and was unsurprised to see that stares followed him around as he traversed the corridors, accepting the congratulations that he got from lots of the students that walked past him, but they all meant very little to him: he just wanted to be with Rachel, or, failing that, Adam. Kurt had only seen the Senior once; running down the corridor in the opposite direction, clearly late for his lesson and shouting '_morning Kurt_!' as he passed. However, Kurt knew that from the couple of seconds that they had made eye contact that Adam had sensed there was something wrong with him, and Kurt knew Adam would confront him with it later because that was Adam's style.

* * *

"_Kurt_!" Kurt turned around in the corridor, managing a faint smile as the blonde Senior pelted towards him, drawing up short just before him and shooting him a wide beam. "You really know how to give a guy a workout, don't you?" he commented, arching his eyebrows. Kurt managed a snort and a proper smile.

"I didn't _make_ you run down the hallways – that was your choice." Adam rolled his eyes, the two of them beginning to walk again on instinct, Kurt trying to become less tense and more relaxed in the presence of one of his closest friends and Adam eyeing him with a calculating expression.

"Right, well, what's wrong? Dr Crawford promises answers to all your problems!" Kurt snorted, shaking his head a little at Adam's antics. Then he sighed and shrugged.

"It's just the Midnight Madness," he admitted with another weary shrug. "I thought I'd feel a lot better after winning it than I do." Adam shot him a confused look. Kurt shook his head. "I don't know. It's just- I know I won fair and square and all, but I feel…I don't know…I've been singing the _Les Mis_ score since I was in second grade," he explained. "_literally_ the entire score." He came to a stop at the end of the corridor, turning to face his friend. "It's just dumb luck that that song got chosen." He sighed again because any other song from any other musical and the outcome could have been very different, and he didn't know why he sort of wanted to have lost, but he supposed that it was just the decent person inside of him that wanted to spare other people pain.

"Look, I know you feel conflicted about winning," said Adam in that tone of voice that he had that was reassuring and confident and instantly made Kurt feel better. "but you won because you're an incredible singer." Kurt smiled a little at that, but their conversation was cut short by the sound of an obnoxious voice exclaiming;

"Oh my god, Kurt!" very loudly, and Rachel's two most annoying sycophants – and that was really saying something – came striding over. Kurt suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at their presence because they were bitchy, spineless, back-stabbing, mean jerks with no sense of morals, loyalty or soul, and Kurt _hated_ them. "everyone's buzzing about your triumphant at Midnight Madness!" Kurt stared at them, having a feeling that he knew where this would be going and trying not to lash out and slap them. "Not since Judy played the palace, they're saying."

"A bunch of us are signing up for the _Funny Girl_ open call, and then getting rush tickets to see _Mamma Mia_; you have to come with." And did they _really_ think that they could just come over to Kurt and expect _him_ to fall over himself to become their friends when they were nothing but shallow idiots, or for him to forget all the condescending looks and cold-shouldering they'd directed at him, or their complete and utter disdain towards them Adam's Apples – even now they were shooting Adam looks that said he was the lowest of the low – when that group was made up of _real_, _talented_ _people_?! They were both _very_ stupid and _very_ self-important.

"I don't think so," he said, stepping towards them and ready to unleash his inner-bitch because, right now, putting people down into their rightful place seemed to be his job; he'd happily do it to them. "I think you both are shallow and obnoxious, and I think the only reason that you run around kissing everyone's ass is because you know you'll never make it on your own-" and _this_ feeling of satisfaction was what he'd been expecting to feel when he'd taken down Rachel, and he supposed not caring about these people was what enabled him to feel it. "and another thing, if you say one more nasty thing about Adam's Apples-" because Adam seemed to have taken on the job of being Kurt's knight in shining armour and running around in his defence, but Kurt wasn't _just_ a damsel in distress, and he was more than capable of standing up for his friends – the people he _liked_ – too. "-I will challenge _you_ to the next Midnight Madness...and we all know how that ends." He sent their annoying look back at them, noting that Adam was smirking out of the corner of his eye, and watched them walk away feeling much better than he had for the rest of the day.

"That's very impressive," said Adam when Kurt turned to him, and Kurt rolled his eyes a little, feeling flattered, but his good mood died the moment he saw Rachel walk up to a notice board with that same defeated presence.

"Give me a second," he muttered to Adam, knowing full well that the older boy would naturally excuse him, and his mind whirred into action as he dashed towards her because Rachel _loved_ _Funny Girl_, and the open auditions were just what she might need to get some confidence again. "Hey Rachel, I don't know if you heard-" and it was painful to see her not look him in the eye and immediately begin to walk away, but he persevered. "-but apparently the revival _Funny Girl_ is having open auditions. Do you want to go with me?"

"You should try out, Kurt," she said, finally looking him in the eye but with resolute sadness as opposed to excitement or anything else. "you'd be an amazing Fanny Brice." Kurt barely had time to take in the compliment before she walked away, and so there was no time for him to point out that she'd probably make an even _better_ one, or try and persuade her otherwise.

"I have no idea what to do!" admitted Kurt when he'd trailed back over to Adam's side. Adam gave him a sympathetic smile that said it was going to be okay even though Kurt definitely didn't feel like that.

"It's not as bad as it seems," assured Adam, putting an arm around his shoulders and beginning to lead him down the corridor. "She just needs some time to come to terms with it all." Kurt sighed.

"If I'd just listened to you, though, I might not have done it – I can't believe I didn't think about how badly a defeat would hurt her! You were right; no one challenges their _best friend _to a Midnight Madness!"

"_Kurt_," interrupted Adam, forcefully. "there is _no point_ beating yourself up over what happened. At the end of the day, you _both_ knew what you were in for with the Midnight Madness, and you _both_ went through with it willingly knowing that one of you was going to come out on top and the other way down off the bottom...You can't change that, and besides, you were _very hurt_ by Rachel's actions, and hurt people do stupid things that tend to involve lashing out and dragging people down to the equal depths of their despair and then realising that you don't want that. Your angst over the situation proves you are a _good person_. Trust me on this, I know what I'm talking about." Kurt, who had been smiling a little at the compliments, arched an eyebrow at Adam.

"_You_ know?" he demanded as Adam led him into the auditorium that was becoming a haunt of theirs. "You're pretty much the nicest man in the world. How can you _possibly_ know how it feels to do someone that much harm?" Adam laughed as he sat down on the edge of the stage, Kurt joining him a moment later.

"Firstly, I'm not the nicest man in the world, that title is Michael Palin's-" Kurt snorted a little in response. "-and secondly, I really do." Kurt frowned at the older boy, intrigued, and Adam shot him a small, tight smile. "As I normally do, I plan to tell this story in a roundabout fashion." Kurt snorted slightly at that and watched as Adam took out his iPhone, sliding his finger across the screen until he'd found what he was looking for. "Here," he said, holding out the phone between them. Kurt blinked before looking down at the picture on the screen.

The picture showed three boys, arms around each other's shoulders, smiling and standing before the sea under a bright blue sky. Adam was in the middle, blonde hair a little longer and shirtless, to Kurt's mortification, and wearing the same pendant that now hung around his neck. The boy on his left was about a head shorter than him with rectangular, wire-framed glasses around grey eyes, a fine layer of white-blonde hair and very white skin that was beginning to redden and burn under the sun. The other boy on Adam's right was about the same height with olive coloured skin excepting the lighter brown-white patches on his cheeks and around his nose that hinted at vitiligo, long, light brown hair that shone auburn in the sunlight and fell in waves and curls. Both of those two boys had short-sleeved, cotton t-shirts on.

"That's Felix," said Adam, pointing at the bespectacled boy. "and Warren," he pointed to the other. "they're the only friends from England that I'm still properly friends with and in contact with." Kurt frowned at him.

"What happened to your other friends?" he asked. "Was it Michael or...?" he trailed off, not sure how to phrase his question, unsure as to what exactly Michael had done after he'd attacked Adam. Adam shook his head.

"No, I mean, as far as I'm aware, no one has spoken to him since," Kurt arched an eyebrow in surprise. "Why is that weird? He's in jail and everything." Kurt blinked in shock.

"He's in _jail_?" he demanded. Adam stared at him with a bemused expression on his face.

"Yes...he _did_ assault me, and everything...actually, it was technically GBH 'cause of the broken ribs, and all the internal bleeding – and external, too, now that I think about it, though I was never sure where that came from – not to mention the psychological trauma." Kurt stared at him, words ringing inside his head and feeling sick.

"So when you said he hurt you '_pretty badly_' you actually meant that he had inflicted _grievous_ _bodily_ _harm_ on you?" Adam stared at him for a moment before nodding, slowly. Kurt glared at him, feeling indignant anger bubbling up inside of him. "_Grievous bodily harm_ means you've been _seriously wounded_ which means you were hurt _badly_ – there's no '_pretty_' about it!" he exclaimed, and Adam held up his hands in surrender.

"Sorry," he said, apologetically. "I just- I'm blasé and casual about this, Kurt, and I can't help it." He shrugged. "It just helps me..._deal_ with it." Kurt regarded him with a softer expression, putting a hand sympathetically on his arm and smiling slightly to let him know that Kurt wasn't actually _angry_ with him.

"How long was he sentenced for?" Adam sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Nine years," he said in a quiet voice, and Kurt nodded, glad that he was going to be away for a long time. "He ended up getting sentenced for multiple offences because he resisted arrest and assaulted two police officers in the process, he lashed out in court both verbally and physically, _and_ he punched his lawyer, which really _didn't_ help his case. Also, he pled innocent to all the charges so there was no bargain to lower his sentence." Adam shook his head. "Anyway, we're _way_ off topic. The point is that these are the only two friends that I still have from England, and they're two of my best friends." Kurt nodded, accepting the change off topic.

"Do you see them often?" he asked, and Adam shrugged a little.

"Yeah, sort of. I mean, we talk on skype and stuff, and I go back at least once a year, normally twice, so I saw Felix at Christmas up in Durham – he did Chemistry, and now is doing his PhD – but I haven't seen Warren since last summer when this photo was taken because he's in Africa. He did this wacky language course at SOAS – School of Oriental and African Studies – and then he realised he had no clue what he wanted to do with himself so he took a gap year and is now teaching English, and some other languages too, in Central Africa, and he now wants to be a language teacher." Kurt frowned.

"Wait, if they're _your_ age then-"

"How come they've graduated from Uni?" guessed Adam. Kurt nodded. "In England most undergraduate courses are three years not four." Kurt nodded again in understanding. "Anyway me, those two and _Michael_ were, like, best friends in High School. Felix is a massive geek, and ninety per cent of the time his brain is _not_ on planet earth, but he's really sweet, and _so_ modest given he's insanely good at science, and Warren..." he trailed off, snoring. "Warren can speak an _insane_ number of languages! I mean, he was brought up, like, _quadlingual_!" Kurt arched his eyebrows, and Adam shrugged. "I don't know if that's actually a thing, but he grew up speaking English, Italian, French and Punjabi so it's a fair statement." Kurt nodded, eyebrows still raised. "And when I met him he was also practically fluent in Spanish and German whilst everybody else is struggling to get through GCSEs with their mediocre vocabularies!" Adam shook his head, smiling in a fond manner, and Kurt watched him curiously. "Well, Warren was the first person I came out to, and of course, he took it really well." Adam snorted to himself, shaking his head again. "He basically listened to me and goes in his serious tone of voice: '_I'm really honoured that you came out to me first, and I think you're so brave, and I'm really happy for you_', and then he hugged me, and after that he said: '_But I've known all along because you two have been making out in the locker rooms for the past two weeks! You're not subtle!_'" Kurt laughed, loudly, and Adam joined in, shaking his head and blushing at the memory.

"How did Felix take it?" asked Kurt once their laughter had subsided. Adam grinned.

"Oh, Felix was..." he broke off, smile getting even wider. "Felix looked between me and Michael when I told him, and then shouted '_covalent bonding!_' at the top of his voice and ran off!" Kurt began to laugh again, shaking his head at the antics of Adam's friends. "Then about two and a half weeks later, he calls me at two am and says: '_you know, I'm really okay with you being homosexual_', and hangs back up before I can get a word in edgeways!" Kurt chuckled as Adam shook his head, tucking away his phone and rubbing a hand over his eyes. "So, basically, after Michael, Warren was the first friend I saw. He apologised profusely, and I told him it wasn't his fault, but Felix... Felix had known Michael since they were _four_, and they've been friends the entire time. After he found out, he barricaded himself in his room, and after six and a half days, they broke down the door and got in. He was passed out on the bed; dehydrated..." Kurt felt his eyebrows arch as his hand covered his mouth in shock. "And when he was conscious again, I got to visit him, and I looked at him – all tiny and wrapped in blankets and hooked up to some drip thing – and I just lost it. I started screaming about how selfish he was for doing that; for not being there for me; that _I_ was the victim in all this; that how he felt was irrelevant; that he was probably in cahoots with Michael; that I _hated_ him..." he shrugged. "I spent about two months feeling _awful _but unable to do anything 'cause I was ashamed, and he avoided me. He didn't speak to me again until results day when Warren pushed him towards me, and Felix told me how when they were in year eight they'd both applied for St Pauls, and Michael didn't get a place, but Felix got wait-listed, and he was really happy about that..." Kurt groaned, knowing where the story was going. Adam nodded. "Yeah, Michael beat him up, and he lied to his parents and said it was some bullies at school..."

"So he went through with the blackmail?" questioned Kurt, feeling pity for the boy he didn't know rise up inside of him. Adam shook his head, sighing, and Kurt frowned, tilting his head to the side.

"No, he didn't get a place in the end which he, to this day, considers a good thing." Kurt nodded, sadly, and Adam turned to him with a serious expression. "The point, though, Kurt is that we can hurt our friends terribly, but we have to move on from that and get over it. Felix doesn't hold a grudge against me for what I did, and what _I_ did was inexcusable, far more so than what happened between you and Rachel, but you know what else? I learnt your friendship gets stronger after you fight because the friends that matter; the ones that last, are the ones you fight to _get back_." Adam looked at him with a smile, and Kurt nodded, feeling strengthened as he always did after talking to Adam, even though this time his story was less relevant.

* * *

It took Kurt a little while to work out how he was meant to fight to get Rachel back, but the answer, it turned out, had been with him all along – the _Funny Girl_ auditions. Rachel had been raring to go for them before the Midnight Madness, and now she was acting like they weren't happening, but _Funny Girl_ revivals with _open auditions_ happening in _their city_ were once in a lifetime things so Kurt knew Rachel would regret it later so the way to win her back was to get her a slot and show her that – a – Kurt cared about her and – b – that maybe losing had been a good thing for had she auditioned having won the Midnight Madness, she would show up with too much self-confidence, but if everything laid on the line; if this was her one chance at salvation, then Kurt knew she would be _incredible_ because Rachel would give that _everything_, and she had so much to give.

So, Kurt went down to the open call and managed to book them last slots – he had been fully prepared to give up his own for Rachel if the need arose because Adam was right: this was a friendship he'd fight to get back, and if that meant giving up a _Funny Girl_ audition than so be it – and then made his way back to their apartment with a confidence in his step that had been missing since before the Midnight Madness, absolutely sure that he would be able to talk her into going. They'd danced around the issue for too long; now was the time to get it all out in the open and for them to move on and _enjoy_ their friendship and their lives.

It was after that that he arrived in Rachel's room, without knocking, to see her standing at the window, wrapped in a woollen blanket, and looking rather pathetic – perhaps because she was so small – and announced that she had an audition for _Funny Girl_ in three weeks as well as explaining that he'd signed her up. As Kurt had expected, her reaction was not one of gratitude, but the way she went and sat on her bed with an expression of utter misery as he pointed out the absurdness of her apathy meant the conversation would not end until she agreed to do the audition, and they were friends once more.

"Rachel, that doesn't mean anything; it just means that we're even." He looked down at her from the end of her bed, trying to show that, as far as they were concerned, it was diva-off part two, and nothing more than that: Kurt didn't hold a grudge for her beating him the first time even though he'd thrown it – she may well have beaten him anyway. "You won with an Elphaba song, I won with a Jean Valjean song, none of which changes the fact that _Funny Girl_ is your _favourite musical_, and that you were _born_ to play Fanny Brice." Because Kurt could handle her depression over the situation, but the moment Rachel let it spread into her life and affect her decisions was the moment she _really_ lost. There was no point lingering on the past; she had to move on and look at the new opportunities that were opening up before her. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

"But let's say by some crazy, extraordinary chance that I get it, then what?" Kurt frowned a little, listening intently because he would have thought that getting it would restore Rachel's old confidence. "I become even more of a diva and a nightmare than I already am now." And oh, of course, he should have seen that coming – fear of something worse was crippling to say the least. "I can't handle the pressures of stardom; not without losing my best friend and making every single person hate me." Kurt wanted to smile at her words, glad that he really was still her best friend and she'd seen the bad in her behaviour, but she was so down and afraid that he couldn't do that; not yet. "So, I'm not going to try out." Kurt knelt forward onto her bed, shooting her a comforting smile because he got that – he _really did_ – because it was only natural after getting knocked down to want to hide away inside your shell, but it didn't do any good; Rachel wouldn't feel better until she got back out and saw that not everything the world in pain and failure – that was just a little, unavoidable part.

"You _are_ a diva, and you have been a nightmare," he began gently. "but you're not a diva _because_ you are a nightmare," he expounded, knowing that that fear of stepping out into the limelight whilst knowing it had the potential to make her turn from Jekyll to Hyde was holding her back. "You are a diva because you're talented and ambitious, and_ no one else_ in the _world_ can do what _you_ – Rachel Berry – can do." And he was so glad to see the tears in her eyes, and her overwhelmed, emotional state because he was getting through to her, and she had to go through the delicate, fragile, crying phase before she – _they_ – could be okay again. "That's what being a diva is all about; being original; one of a kind...So hold the nightmare, bring the diva...you don't need any of that; your work speaks for itself." He watched her with a smile, waiting for her response.

"I love you," she said, tearfully, and Kurt had to smile at that as she apologised and reached towards him for a hug that he readily accepted because Kurt really needed to hear that because he could brush off her comment about hating fighting with him with a flippant one of his own, but he had needed the reassurance that she still cared about him desperately. He had that now, though; he firmly believed, once more and like he would always want to, that Rachel cared about him as much as he cared about her – they were best friends; siblings – and that wasn't going to change any time soon because they needed each other, and they may be frustratingly stubborn and drive each other crazy, but that really just meant that they weren't ones for giving up.

* * *

Kurt delighted in having the old Rachel back. For one, she made Brody wear clothes when he was in the shared part of the house so Kurt no longer had to feel uncomfortable in his own home, but more importantly, he got his best friend again. They hung out at NYADA; chatted in the corridors they were almost for lessons; sang duets together in Free Sing; helped each other with their dance after hours in the studio, and they hung out at home; cooked together; watched their favourite shows whilst wrapped up under duvets; gossiped and giggled accompanied with steaming mugs of tea, as well as going out shopping and such; just the two of them, together.

More than that, though, Rachel began to show more interest in the personal side of his life that she'd previously neglected, namely Adam. She was actually, properly _nice_ to him, and they easily became friends as a result of common interest, and Adam's natural charm. She even befriended several other members of the Adam's Apples, though Adam was the only one she knew _well_ as the four of them – Kurt, Rachel, Adam and Brody – often hung out together; the two other boys knew each other a little and quickly found a form of friendship, almost like they were on the double dates (Kurt couldn't say that they actually _were_ because the status between him and Adam was ambiguous to all parties) that Rachel had been so excited for. In short, life was very good again.

* * *

Kurt walked over to the door at the sound of someone banging on it loudly, as now that Rachel's iPod had been turned off they could hear something other than the _Funny Girl_ soundtrack, and drew it open, freezing in shock at the sight of the person that stood, smiling, in their door way.

"Santana," he said, stunned. "what are you doing here?" Santana gave no response, instead breezing past him into the living area, and Kurt became aware that she was dragging a suitcase behind her. She stopped when she was in the middle of an empty space, looking between him and Rachel with a smile he did not trust.

"I'm moving in."


	36. Chapter 36

**_Dear readers, _**

**_Nothing much to say this time but a thank you for all your support and such, and that there's another Disney song in here so I hope you enjoy that as much as you did 'Under the Sea'! Oh, and I should be updating again sometime midweek next week, and then again on Saturday._**

**_Enjoy!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort."_ ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

* * *

Blaine knew that everyone wasn't really over the whole incident. Looking back, Blaine had acknowledged that the whole situation could have been a lot worse: it could have had terrible impacts on Thad that were worse than complete and utter apathy, but he also knew David, especially, was not happy with the outcome. It was good, obviously; they were friends again, they were sleeping together (and that sounded really wrong, but it wasn't) and Thad was smiling and happy and full life, but at the same time, it had pointed out numerous flaws in their relationship. Firstly, they couldn't really survive and function without each other. Blaine understood that because without Kurt he had felt completely empty and broken, and they'd all known how co-dependent they were, but at the same time, they _hadn't_. Blaine hadn't thought it was so bad that they were incapable of being happy without each other, and that was not good, especially when you considered the flaws like Thad's temper and Sebastian's emotional stupidity and the way he stopped thinking rationally when they argued. If he'd been thinking straight, he never would have brought up Thad's attempted suicide, or let him punch him, but he had and said repercussions of that could be really bad. Also, Sebastian had shown that he wasn't very good at _fixing_ things. His way of making up with Thad had been keeping his promise and expecting Thad to put it together and think rationally when they all knew that Thad lost his head completely very easily and got sucked into downward spirals quickly. The other problem with his plan was that he waited for Thad; Sebastian never made the first move, and Blaine understood that – he didn't want to pressure Thad, or upset him anymore etc. – but it wasn't a good plan because if it hadn't have been for David and their uncontrollable emotions then they would still be fighting and falling to pieces... That was why Blaine knew that none of them were over the incident yet because it had shown them all how double edged the friendship between Sebastian and Thad was: it was something both of them desperately needed, and it gave Thad stability and brought out the best in Sebastian, but it was tenuously fragile, and it did not take a lot for it self-destruct in their faces and leave them both ruined, and that knowledge was really scary... Honestly, Blaine preferred to think of the entire situation in the way David had phrased it after hearing the _Under the Sea_ story:

'_You are the most ridiculous people in the __**world**__, and you do __**even **__**more**__ ridiculous shit – and I'm saying that completely sincerely standing next to **Nick** and **Jeff**!'_

Still there _were_ upsides; namely, the discovery of the leather bound, black notebook – the '_Smile_' book; copyrighted by the man who coined it: Nicholas Duval – and all the things inside it that Sebastian had done for Thad to make him smile. A lot of it was jokes and texts that they traded between themselves, song lyrics, pictures and such, but there was a lot in it that made all the Dalton boys that were privy to it – the seven Senior Warblers – '_aww_' at the adorable nature of it. For one, there was the way Sebastian and Thad wrote in it. Thad had annotated most of the pictures himself when he'd made it, and then Sebastian had gone through and added his own comments, and they clearly went through it together at times because squabbles frequently appeared on the pages, and there was just something really sweet about all of that. The way they were with each other was just really cute, but not as much as the way that Sebastian had continued the book in the same vain as Thad had started it, making annotations and jokes as well as carefully writing out song lyrics in his neatest handwriting. Then there was the fact that Sebastian seemed to sing Disney songs for him like the numerous photographs of the two of them singing _I See the Light_ at New Year.

All in all, Blaine knew that they just had to accept that the fight had happened and that they'd come to blows. Blaine hadn't seen any obvious signs that Thad was afraid of Sebastian or that the action had left him floundering and any worse off. In fact, David had said that both he and Wes had spoken to Thad about it, and, apart from the fact that he was ashamed of himself and sickened by the fact that he'd hit Sebastian, he was really okay with what Sebastian had done to him, mostly because he thought he deserved the punch, and for once, Blaine didn't think that was too dangerous a belief as Thad had punched him twice first. He also got the impression that Wes had threatened Sebastian once more, and probably lectured him on the importance of not bringing up the suicide attempt and trivialising things that meant a lot to Thad. Nothing else could be done about the situation.

* * *

"What film should we watch?" demanded Nick, flopping down onto Blaine's bed, sprawling on top of his boyfriend, who had sat down a moment before him, and sitting in his lap. Blaine yawned widely, sitting down by their side and propping his feet up, legs aching after a long, joint rehearsal. Things were coming along really well for their performances, though Blaine still hadn't found time to properly hang out with the New Directions, but he was always exhausted after them. Sebastian and Thad also dropped down on the other side of Nick and Jeff, Thad curling up by Sebastian's side and resting his head on his shoulder.

"I don't know, babe," muttered Jeff, running a hand absent-mindedly through Nick's hair. "whose turn is it to pick?"

"We don't take turns," pointed out Trent, flopping down into one of the desk chairs. "we're not that logical."

"Fair enough," conceded Jeff as the rest snorted and laughed. "Alright, who can shout their choice the loudest?"

"No need!" exclaimed David, bursting into the room with a devilish grin on his face and seemingly knowing exactly what they had been talking about. "I have found the perfect video!" Blaine sat up, narrowing his eyes and wondering what David had discovered that was making him smirk in such a self-satisfied manner. He could tell that the others had noticed it too as they had all stiffened slightly and were watching him through eyes that were narrowed to slits.

"What have you got?" asked Sebastian, the suspicion riddling his voice. David's wicked smile grew wider, and Blaine knew, instantly, that it was something to do with Sebastian, and probably Thad too because Sebastian tended to do all of his most embarrassing things around Thad. David winked.

"Something that I think we've all been wanting to see," he replied, and Blaine watched as Sebastian and Thad shared a worried, nervous look. David turned on the TV and slipped the disc into the DVD player. Then he sat down into the other desk chair, grinning uncontrollably. He pressed play, and there was a moment before the scene came into focus.

_"Thad, Sebastian, why don't you sing something?"_

"Oh no!" cried Thad, throwing his hands over his face, as Sebastian groaned. David chuckled as the camera switched focus from Thad's mum, who had spoken, onto Thad and Sebastian, who were standing side by side and shared awkward looks. It was dark outside, but the lights in all the houses were on, showing how Thad flushed scarlet.

_"Um, sure, mum," said Thad, ruffling up his hair. "Any ideas what we should perform?" he asked, looking between Sebastian and his parents with an awkward look on his face._

_"How about something from 'Tangled'? We heard you singing one of the songs earlier, together. How about the duet?"_

"How did you get this?" demanded Thad, blushing scarlet as the others laughed, delighted that they were going to get to see that performance because neither Thad or Sebastian had been inclined to tell the story like they had with _Under the Sea_, mainly because Thad went scarlet and mumbled incoherently and Sebastian didn't want to say if Thad didn't.

"I told your parents that I wanted to make a video tribute to you," he said, shrugging. Thad glowered at him, blushing heavily whilst Sebastian ran a hand down his face. "It was kind of easy." Thad groaned, planting his face into Sebastian's shoulder. Blaine grinned a little at them whilst Nick shhed the other boys.

_"Are you sure that you want to hear us sing?" asked Thad, holding a microphone and looking slightly nervous. Thad's mum shot him an amused grin and then passed the camera to Thad's dad so that she could walk over to Thad, giving him a brief hug._

_"Of course we want to hear you sing. You don't have to sing if you __**really**__ don't want to." Thad shook his head, grinning at his mum and walking over to stand near the wooden table. He swallowed and pressed play on the CD player. Sebastian arched his eyebrow at Thad, smiling and sitting down on the edge of the patio, feet planted in the grass, as the intro played, and Thad rolled his eyes as Thad's mum took the video recorder and focused it once on Thad's dad, who was frowning intently, before focusing it back on Thad._

_All those days watching from the window_

_All those years outside looking in_

_All that time never even knowing_

_Just how blind I've been._

Blaine pulled his knees up to his chin, watching with a smile as Thad began to sing into the microphone. His voice was delicate and frail, and Blaine was reminded, vividly, of when they'd all – himself, Thad, David, Nick, Jeff, Wes and _Kurt_ – had gone to see _Tangled_ in the cinema. He remembered Thad commenting after how jealous he was of Kurt's voice and being able to sing it properly, but he did the song more than justice as he performed it.

_Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight_

_Now I'm here, suddenly I see_

_Standing here, it's oh so clear_

_I'm where I'm meant to be_

_Thad tilted his head upwards, looking up at the stars that twinkled in the jet black sky, peeking out from behind the clouds, and tears shone readily in his eyes even though his lips were curled upwards into a definite, happy smile. His pale cheeks were flushed a pink that did not just come from being nipped by the cold but said, instead, that he was a little embarrassed by what he was doing, especially when his eyes slid sideways at the last line to look at his parents._

_And at last I see the light_

_And it's like the fog has lifted_

Blaine felt his smile widen uncontrollably as Thad sang to his parents, telling them how he had finally seen the light and the fog of his depression had been lift so that he realised that they loved him unconditionally for who he was and that they would never be ashamed of him.

_And at last I see the light_

_And it's like the sky is new_

Blaine could feel his emotions threatening to overwhelm him as the tears built up in his eyes because what would he give to have that security? To be able to look at his parents and know, definitively, that they loved him no matter what, and to have that with Kurt, too, and just feel safe and secure, and he was so happy that Thad had that because he deserved it so much, but Blaine wanted it for himself more.

_And it's warm and real and bright_

_And the world has somehow shifted_

Blaine watched the position of the camera shift as Thad's mum walked down onto the grass and round so that she was facing her son, but Thad kept his eyes fixed firmly to the side, head twisted towards his dad, who was smiling strongly at him in a delighted manner.

_All at once everything looks different_

_Now that I see you_

_Thad's voice grew quieter as he broke eye contact with his dad, blushing even more, as his gaze wandered down to Sebastian, whose face was upturned and smiling, and their gazes met, both their smiles widening._

_Whistles and cheers interrupted the musical interlude, and looking around, the Harwoods and Sebastian saw that, in the three gardens that bordered theirs, the neighbours were peering over the fence and watching the scene with intrigued expressions and smiles. Thad went a little red at the attention, waving nervously at the people staring at him, whilst Sebastian looked around with a calculating expression. Then, as the violins came in and signalled that it was almost time for the singing to recommence, he leapt to his feet, running up the patio steps and snatching up the other microphone and coming to a stop in front of Thad in time to begin singing;_

_All those days chasing down a daydream_

_All those years living in a blur_

_All that time never truly seeing_

_Things, the way they were_

Blaine let out a small laugh as Sebastian began to sing, sincerity evident in his voice, staring only at Thad, telling him in the most bizarre manner for Sebastian to do so that after all his years of living a fast, impermanent life simply in the pursuit of fleeting pleasure, Thad had changed his entire outlook on the world and shown him, really, who he was as a person and who he could be.

_Now you're here shining in the starlight_

_Now you're here, suddenly I know_

Blaine choked a little, mouth dropping open at the way Sebastian had changed the lyrics, and then breaking out into a laugh at the way the Thad both in the film and in real life blushed scarlet; the former version tipping his head back towards the sky and the latter pressing his face into Sebastian's shoulder and throwing his hands over his head.

_If you're here it's crystal clear_

_I'm where I'm meant to go_

_Sebastian shot Thad the widest smile that had been exchanged during the entire exchange, staring straight into his eyes with an intense expression that said he meant every word; he was just talking. Then, as he reached the end of the last line, he extended his right hand to Thad. Thad looked at it for half a second before he took it, smiling even wider._

_And at last I see the light..._

Blaine felt the smile on his face grow even more as he watched the two of them duet. The way they stared at each other and sang together was further proof of everything that all the people in the room knew: the two of them had found a completely new way to look at life in each other – Sebastian gave Thad someone to hold onto and proof that he was worth something because Sebastian had changed because of him and was the focus of his new life; and Thad gave Sebastian purpose, perspective and again something to hold onto as well as making him very responsible and just more _human_. Also, it sounded like the two of them were really _accepting_ that; accepting and understanding how much they meant to each other and relied on each other, and actually taking that as a good thing, which was something that Sebastian wouldn't normally do and would probably make Thad feel weak.

_All at once, everything is different_

_Now that I see you_

_Now that I see you…_

_Thad and Sebastian stared at each other as the song ended, their voices dying, and there was a moment of silence in which they simply stared at each other, silently communicating something, before bangs began to sound, and fireworks exploded in the sky, signalling New Year. The two best friends hugged each other under the shining sky._

It was very quiet in the room after David hit pause. Slowly, the five friends looked at the two other friends that had been in the film. Sebastian had a hand over his face, the other one resting on Thad's shoulder as his arm was wrapped around them, holding the smaller boy close as he hid away in embarrassment. Blaine scratched the top of his head, struggling to find anything to say because that performance had been so _good_ and incredible and just insanely _beautiful_ and _perfect_. There was nothing he could say because his brain short-circuited at it, really.

"You know, I really thought you might kiss at the end," commented Nick in a thoughtful tone of voice, and Blaine choked on his breath, spluttering in laughter. Sebastian snorted whilst Trent shot him a disturbed look, and Jeff said;

"Don't be ridiculous, Nick, it's _Sebastian_ and _Thad_-" Blaine nodded in agreement, but Jeff continued. "-they're not going to kiss in front of Thad's _parents_; they'd both be dead...Sebastian from Thad's parents, and Thad from embarrassment." Blaine snorted loudly at that, and the others, including Sebastian but excepting Thad, all chuckled, chortled or laughed too, as Thad groaned loudly, trying to disappear as he curled up even more against Sebastian.

"_Fine_!" said Nick, pouting and crossing his arms. "But the pronoun changing was _so cute_!" And with that, Nick launched himself onto Sebastian, grabbing his cheeks and pinching them. Blaine raised his eyebrows, wondering whether he had lost his mind. "You are so cute! Yes, you are! Yes, you are! You are the cutest thing!" Blaine dissolved into hysterical laughter at the sight of Nick smushing Sebastian's cheeks and the sound of him talking to Sebastian in that mock-baby voice that people used to speak with small, adorable children. Jeff was curled into a ball, clutching his middle as he laughed silently, Trent had face-palmed but his shoulders were shaking in amusement, David was crying in laughter and even Thad had withdrawn from Sebastian's side and was laughing. "You are adorable! Aren't you? Yes, you are! You are the most- _OWW_!"

Unsurprisingly, Sebastian did not enjoy being told that he was cute and adorable repeatedly, and so when Thad was safely away from him so that he wouldn't hurt him again, he launched himself at Nick. Nick toppled off the bed with Sebastian holding onto his blazer, the two of them slamming into the floor, and Sebastian proceeded to tickle him mercilessly until Nick was screaming and begging for him to stop so loudly that several other boys, highly alarmed by all the noise the sort-of-fighting boys were generating (the cackles of the other five boys didn't help) burst in, armed with saucepans and textbooks, and apparently ready to leap into battle.

* * *

"Blaine," said Trent, knocking on the door and sticking his head round. Blaine, who was rooting through his desk in search of his French homework, looked up at his friend with a frown on his face.

"Yeah?" he responded, standing up straight, running a hand through his hair and looking around at the mess on his desk, mind still fixed on the way that his French homework had defied the laws of physics and vanished into nothing.

"Mail," expounded Trent, stepping into the room and waving the letter in the air. Blaine frowned even more, looking at the letter suspiciously because he never got mail; in fact, _no one_ got mail _ever _because everything was emailed or texted or whatever.

"Who's it from?" he asked, walking towards him. Trent's smile grew a little, and he extended the letter to Blaine. Blaine came to a stop, looking between the letter and Trent nervously.

"I think you're going to want to find that out for yourself." Blaine frowned even more in worry before reaching out and taking the letter from Trent. Trent slipped his hands into his pockets as Blaine held the letter in both hands and brought it closer to him. His eyes went wide when he saw the NYADA stamp. He put a hand over his mouth exhaling.

"Oh god..." he muttered, looking back up at Trent with a worried frown. "Oh no..." Trent reached forward, putting a hand firmly on his shoulder, squeezing comfortingly. Blaine could hear his heart pounding and fought the urge to be sick because he'd done an incredible of not thinking about NYADA since he sent his application in because thinking about NYADA meant thinking about _Kurt_ and how any progress with his dad would be undone, but at the same time, it was his _dream_ and he wanted it badly.

"It's going to say you're a finalist!" said Trent, confidently. Blaine looked at him nervously, not so sure because Blaine wasn't really that good. Trent sighed at his silence. "Do you want me to get David?" he asked, and Blaine, biting down on the inside of his lip, shook his head.

"No, I- I'd prefer to do this alone, thanks." Trent nodded instantly. "Can you- don't tell-"

"I won't," he promised before Blaine could even finish his sentence. He patted Blaine's upper arm and gave him a wide smile. "Just don't be late for lessons." Blaine rolled his eyes slightly as Trent gave him one last smile and walked from the room. The moment he was alone, Blaine dropped down onto the bed, legs trembling in trepidation, and took a deep breath, trying to compose himself.

Blaine had seen first-hand that getting into NYADA was a much less certain business than he would have liked to believe. After all, if anyone were dead certs to get in, it was Rachel and Kurt, but neither of them had been successful on the first audition, and they got in on luck, really, because they'd been able to convince Madame Tibbideaux that they deserved another chance. Blaine wasn't as good as either of them, and he doubted that he had it in him to make her believe that he deserved any special consideration. He didn't even know if he really wanted NYADA because Kurt would probably pretend he didn't exist, and that would be so painful, and his relationship with his dad might end up like the one that Cooper had with him, and he didn't want that; he didn't want that at all.

Blaine bit down on his bottom lip, staring at the letter and knowing that he needed open it. He just didn't think he could take another hit, though. Blaine had been keeping a close eye on his self-esteem, when he was rational and able to look at himself like that, largely because of Thad as that had really shown him the dangers of low to no self-esteem, and he knew that it was actually pretty okay at the moment: getting through to his dad and knowing that he _did_ want him and missed him had helped considerably, not to mention all the solos he sung and his friends, but he also knew that if NYADA rejected him it was simply nosedive right to the bottom and into the levels of crap that he was really tired of dealing with.

Blaine took a huge breath, flipping the envelope over, and opened it up. He quickly pulled out the letter and unfolded it, eyes scanning down the text. Then he froze. His eyes jumped back to the top of the page, and he reread it, quickly. Then he flopped back onto his bed, eyes closed and limbs hanging loose.

* * *

"Order!" exclaimed David, banging his gavel loudly. The Warblers, who had all been chattering amongst themselves, fell silent, and Thad removed his hands form his ears, glaring reproachfully at David, whilst Sebastian arched an eyebrow and gave him an intense look.

"You know, the gavel works fine without you whacking it into a hard surface with all your puny strength," he commented, and David turned to him with a glare, raising the gavel to whack Sebastian, but he was denied his counter-attack by Thad snatching the gavel from him. Thad gave them both a very parent-ish stare that told them to behave whilst the other Warblers all laughed. Blaine shuffled his feet and looked at the open doorway, desperate for the New Directions to come walking through because he was pretty sure that he was going to burst if he didn't get to tell them his news soon. He knew that Trent was staring at him, for once deciding not to intervene in the petty squabble happening at the council table, and he gave him a smile that told him to have patience.

"Where are they?" demanded Sebastian, effortlessly holding David down in his chair so that he couldn't snatch the gavel back from Thad. "They're almost half an hour late! In fact, David, why did you even call for order?"

"Because we were wasting time! We could be doing things!" explained the head councillor in frustration.

"You were bored, weren't you?" said Sebastian, eyebrows arching in a condescending manner. David crossed his arms and pouted, and the rest of the Warblers laughed, Blaine putting a hand over his eyes and shaking his head.

"Well, you were talking to Thad! Over my head! How do you even _do_ that?! He's _shorter_ than me!" Sebastian winked at David and sprang to his feet, vaulting over the table and looking around the room with a smirk.

_I can see you stalking like a predator_

_I've been here before_

_Temptation calls like Adam to the apple_

_But I will not be caught_

Sebastian began to sing, voice and expression seductive, and his body moving gracefully along to the beat of the music that had been taken up by the Warblers, eyes fixed on David, undulating his shoulders in order to send a ripple of movement down his body, and Blaine really had to hand it to him because he made himself the focus of attention with the way he moved; smooth and slick but not over the top.

'_Cause I can read those velvet eyes_

_And all I see is lies_

Sebastian leant forward on the council table, extending his upper body over it so that his face was very close to David's, eyes narrowed, and it was absolutely hilarious to see the startled, wide eyed look on David's face because it really looked like Sebastian was coming onto him.

_No more poison_

_Killing my emotion_

_I will not be frozen_

_Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh_

Jeff sprung to his feet, suddenly, cutting in. Sebastian spun around, eyebrow arched at the boy that dared to interrupt him, and all the Warblers watched with interest, still harmonising, as the blonde boy danced effortlessly before them, feet moving impossibly quickly, and was unhindered by Sebastian.

_Stop stop preying_

_'Cause I'm not not playing_

_I'm not frozen_

_Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh_

Nick copied his boyfriend's lead, leaping to his feet and beginning to dance too. His moves were less impressive and assured compared to the previous two dancers, but his vocals were strong, and Blaine could see that Sebastian actually looked vaguely interested by what was happing.

_Move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

Blaine got up, joining Sebastian in the chorus, as the New Directions began to file in, looking sheepish, and the two boys, followed by Nick and Jeff, danced into the ranks of the rival show choir, slipping and sliding their way through the gaps between the members as they continued to sing.

_I've got a remedy_

_Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh_

_Move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

_Here is my remedy_

_Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh_

The rest of the Warblers, barring the other two council members who were watching the performance carefully, joined in, easily sorting out an order between themselves and then dancing between the rather startled looking New Directions in their neatly formed rows, following their leads.

_Spin me faster like a kaleidoscope_

_All I've got's the floor_

Blaine span himself around several times, closing his eyes and just trusting that he wouldn't collide with anything, as he took over the solo line. He knew that he couldn't dance in the same way that Sebastian could, but he knew, as his eyes snapped open, that he could still contribute as much to this performance.

_Yeah, you can try but I've found the antidote_

_Music is the cure_

_So you can try to paralyse_

_But I know best this time_

He advanced on the other lead, forcing Sebastian to back up, the two of them playing a very slow game of cat and mouse, staring intensely at each and moving their bodies along to the beat in mirrored synchronisation, both of them smirking imperiously at the other, believing they had the upper hand in whatever game it was that they were playing.

_No more poison..._

And Blaine was reminded, properly, of why he loved performing so much as he formed a front line with Sebastian, Nick and Jeff, leading the Warblers and encouraging the New Directions into their ranks, because even though he was still scared and broken and unsure on the inside, he could still get up and lead and not be that person for a little while. He got to be something _more_ as he danced amongst the others, smirking at whichever person appeared by his shoulder, and it made him feel really special. This was why he'd wanted NYADA; not because he was good at, or he liked it, but because it gave him hope and belief and courage, and it freed him from everything, and he wanted four more years of that that led into, perhaps, a _life time_ of that.

_And when the music fades away_

_I know I'll be okay_

Blaine grinned at Thad, who had been encouraged to his feet by David and Finn, the former was still sitting at the council table and the latter was standing just before it, and he was suddenly struck by the idea of maybe Thad being an actual lead. It helped Blaine feel better, and Thad was much better than he let himself believe.

_Contagious rhythm in my brain_

_Let it play..._

However, as he looked between Sebastian and David, who were both encouraging Thad to sing loud and join the others, he reckoned that they'd probably beaten him to the idea. Still that wasn't what really mattered in the situation at all; what mattered was that they felt good about themselves and enjoyed life and found things out there that they excelled out and so could hold onto in case of any more disasters, not that they were really free from the present disaster at the moment because Blaine knew that, really, things had just quietened down for the time being; they weren't out of the woods, not by a long shot.

_Stop stop preying_

'_Cause I'm not not playing_

_I'm not frozen_

Blaine focused himself back in on Sebastian, who had danced out into the middle of the room on his own, and who was facing the Finn, David and Thad, but only looking at Thad. Then, singing the penultimate line, he began to turn back to face the rest of the singers, but when he was halfway through, he spun back in the opposite direction and pointed at Thad, who had been paying enough attention to sing;

_Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh_

_Move while you're watching me_

_Dance with the enemy_

_I've got a remedy_

_Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh..._

They all, excepting David and Finn but including Thad who positioned himself on Sebastian's other side so he was between him and Jeff, began to dance as one as they sang the chorus. They glided between the rows, slipping into the readymade gaps so that their neighbours – their '_enemies_' – were constantly changing. It had taken a lot of work, but Blaine could see that they could perform together really well now; they could understand and interpret each other meaning that there was no miscommunication and missteps that caused collisions and squashed toes. Blaine found that, even though he was worried what Mr Schue might say to him when he found out Blaine had transferred, he was looking forward to the concert they were putting on – it was going to be epic!

"Nice one!" said David, getting to his feet when they finally came to a stop and the whistling and cheering had died down enough for him to be heard. Blaine let go of Marley, shooting the grinning girl a wide smile, and looked at their council leader, waiting for more. "Seriously, we are working _really_ well together! This is going to be great! Finn, any thoughts?" Everyone watched as Finn opened his mouth, thought for a moment and then shook his head.

"David!" Blaine called out, suddenly, sensing a good time to speak. All eyes flew to him. "I have an announcement to make." There was a pause in which everyone just stared at him, confused or worried/concerned depending on how well they knew him, or, if you were Trent, interested. David nodded, gesturing to him with his arm to say that the floor was his to deliver his news. Blaine took a huge breath and looked around the group of singers with a smile. "Today I got a letter from NYADA," he said, and as one the entire room drew in a short, sharp breath and froze, staring at him. Blaine couldn't help but grin more at the sight of their concern. "and I did it!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms up into the air with a grin on his face. "I'm a NYADA finalist!"

There was a moment's pause after his announcement in which everyone just stared at him, taking in the news, and Blaine beamed round at every single individual, feeling some genuine _hope_ begin to bubble up inside him because saying it out loud to all of them made it so much more real; he was one step closer to NYADA; one step further away from high school and so one step closer to a better future. Then, in the split second that he processed that thought, the singers in the room exploded in a roar of cheers, and everyone leapt on him. He let out a shocked laugh as his knees buckled under the weight of the Warblers and New Directions, and he couldn't stop giddy hysteria taking over so as he hugged everyone he was laughing in relief. He couldn't believe that he'd actually _achieved_ something this year as he hugged Thad, holding very tightly onto the person that he'd formed and inextricable bond with because of what they'd been through, and was then crushed Sam, who had stayed at his shoulder in those first terrible days and helped him. Even Sebastian gave him a big hug, muttering something about not being so stupid after all that made Blaine laugh, and David and Finn looked so friggin' proud of him that he felt like crying because he was basically still an emotional wreck, and he really hoped his dad would look at him like that when he told him.

* * *

"Blaine, can I talk to you for a moment?" Blaine looked up at Finn in surprise as his hand fell onto his shoulder. Blaine looked round for his Dalton friends, spotting them milling around and talking amongst themselves, and shrugged.

"Sure? Is everything okay?" Finn nodded but beckoned him round the corner, and Blaine arched his eyebrows, wondering what required him to be away from the others. Finn bit down on his bottom lips, looking torn.

"Look, Blaine, I'm really glad that you've got this, but have you thought about Kurt?" Blaine bowed his head, feeling all of his happiness evaporate because he was sure that he didn't like where this conversation was going. "I mean, you guys will be at the same school, and you still like him..." Blaine sighed, rubbing his forehead and not bothering to disagree with Finn and disliking the implication of the sentence.

"I know," he muttered, looking up at Finn. "I know, but I'm not going to do anything, I promise." Finn shook his head.

"No, I just meant...Look, I probably shouldn't be doing this, but Kurt's...he's not exactly got a boyfriend, but he likes this guy, and this guy likes him..." Blaine pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. "I mean, he makes Kurt happy, and this might be your last chance to come clean and fix this...I mean, if Kurt moves on you might lose him forever."

"Finn," said Blaine in a firm tone of voice, looking up into his friend's eyes. "I'm glad that Kurt has someone – I _want_ him to move on." Finn stared at him in a shockingly condescending manner given it was Finn, saying he didn't believe him. Blaine threw his hands up in the air, telling him to leave it because this wasn't about Blaine: Kurt had found someone that made him happy, and Blaine was glad because that was entire point of what he'd done. "But can you tell him...for me?" Finn stared at him for a moment, looking like he wanted to argue with Blaine, but then nodded.

"Sure, but you might want to tell Rachel. She'll go mental if you don't." Blaine laughed a little at that, nodding in agreement. Then he held up his fist, asking Finn to bump it. Finn looked at it for a moment before he shook his head and pulled Blaine into a hug. Blaine snorted a little and patted Finn's shoulder. Finn gave him a small smile as they broke apart. "Look, I respect your decision...I just hope it makes you happy too – you deserve to be happy."

"Thanks," said Blaine, smiling slightly. Finn raised his hand in farewell, and Blaine waved him off, pulling out his phone as he watched the leader of the New Directions walk off with his show choir. He sent of a quick text to Rachel telling her that he was a finalist and received one back congratulating him and saying that if he needed any advice he could come to her. He smiled a little, tucking the phone away and closing his eyes. He really hoped he had done the right thing; he couldn't tell Kurt, not now, because that would be worse. It would hurt Kurt; it would be selfish.

"Blaine!" exclaimed Nick, bounding round the corner, followed by his boyfriend a second later. "Come on! Celebration party for our finalist!" And with that, the two boys had grabbed onto his hands and were dragging him down the hallways before he could let out his first surprised laugh, and he quickly broke down into real laughter as the other two boys galloped down the corridors, shouting that Blaine was king of the warbling world.


	37. Chapter 37

**_Dear readers, _**

**_So this is the penultimate chapter before my two-week break, and it involves my imagining of the conversation between Kurt, Rachel and Santana that led to the latter staying as neither of the former looked thrilled at the idea, and leaves off just before Valentine's Day and ready to run into my re-working of that episode. There's just one thing I want to mention: somewhere near the end, I refer to a guy called "Luke" - he's Adam's best friend and roommate, and he's a member of the Adam's Apples - and in my head, he's the Apple played by Joey Richter because...well, he was in Glee so I decided to give him a character, who you'll meet, and see more of, later on in the story. Okay, other than that, I just want to say thank you for all the support you've given this story (it has over 200 reviews - that makes me so happy!) and, of course:_**

**_Enjoy!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Friendship – my definition – is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will crumble."_ ― Stieg Larsson, _The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo_

* * *

"You're moving in?" echoed Rachel as Kurt stared at her in shock, wondering what on earth had made her think that she could just turn up at their apartment and announce that she was now going to be living with them because, _yes_, they were friends, and she was actually a very good, fiercely protective one, but Kurt wasn't entirely sure he wanted to _live_ with Santana given that she was something best served in small doses.

"_Yes_," said Santana, eyebrows arching and silently demanding whether or not they were idiots and so whether they would need that repeated any more times. Kurt rolled his eyes, sliding the door shut before facing Santana with his hands on his hips, stern expression on his face that said that they were about to have a serious conversation about this, and there was no foregone conclusion. He saw Santana roll her eyes and notched up the look into a glare.

"Okay, _firstly_, why are you here? I thought you were at college in Louisville so what are you doing here? Is this a short-term move, or do you have plans to stay here for a long time?" Rachel gave him annoyed glare that told him to stop talking about the situation like she was allowed to stay. Kurt held up a hand, though, to stop her, arching an eyebrow at Santana instead and insisting that he have an answer. Santana rolled her eyes, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

"I dropped out of college," she stated bluntly, and Kurt frowned, shooting a sideways look at Rachel that showed him that she was also confused about why Santana had stopped doing something she was so good at. "I hated it; everyone there was stupid and mean – it was like a bitchier version of McKinley, if that's possible, and graduating meant getting _away_ from a place like that; not getting into a worse one." Kurt arched his eyebrows a little at the prospect of that, silently admitting that if he was in a place like that then he would get out if he could.

"Okay," said Rachel, seemingly accepting that reason for leaving college. "why are you _here_ in _New York_?" Santana rolled her eyes, flicking her hair once more and straightening up so she looked down on Rachel.

"'Cause you and Porcelain over there aren't the only two with dreams and aspirations." Kurt bit down on the inside of his lip, again having to admit that he completely understood what Santana was saying and why she had come because that was precisely why _he'd_ left Lima and come to stay with Rachel in New York.

"Alright," he said, taking over the interrogation once more. "why did you come _here_?" Santana arched her eyebrows in a way that demanded if he _really_ needed to ask that. Then she rolled her eyes again.

"Well, as annoying as you both are, we _are_ friends; bonded together by song and dance and all that jazz." Kurt rolled his eyes, meeting Rachel's gaze and wondering whether they really _could_ turn away a friend when she was all alone in New York with nowhere else to go to because Santana was smart and self-confident and all the rest, but it was a big, bustling, mostly indifferent world out there, and there was no telling whether she could find a safe, secure place to stay at night because she was _Santana_, and she was _beautiful_ to say the least, and well, men could be self-indulgent bastards.

"The thing is," began Rachel as Kurt remained silent, weighing it all up in his mind, and Santana wore a self-satisfied smirk that said she thought she had won. "well..." she sighed, and Santana sent her a condescending look that said she knew Rachel had no reason for turning her away. Rachel scowled. "Remember, it's not just us; Brody is here now, and-"

"Oh, _please_," said Santana scathingly. "we're talking about your _plastic_ boyfriend here; he's got no opinions, and the last time I was here I saw you still had plenty of room, _and_ you both owe me a favour for talking the Dwarf out of discovering that no one in the world is interested in her minuscule breasts." Kurt rolled her eyes as Rachel spluttered in indignation, crossing her arms and sending a furious glare at Santana, and then decided it would probably be a good idea for him to intervene.

"Okay," he said, firmly, putting out his hands to indicate that said he would prevent any sort of cat-fight from developing. "let's just say, _theoretically_, that we said yes, and you stayed with us – because we _can_ say yes _or_ no – would you be able to a pay share of all the bills and such?" Santana sighed in an exasperated manner but then nodded.

"_Yes_, I am capable of paying my way. I have no intention of sitting on the sofa and turning into a lardarse with whale blubber." Kurt blinked, eyebrows arching once more as he attempted to imagine an obese Santana and was disturbed by the image that his mind conjured up. Rachel shuddered a little. Before they could move on from that thought, the door slid open, and Brody walked in, carrying two shopping bags and kicking the door shut in a manner Kurt _hated_ because it banged loudly and rebounded so it needed to be closed _again_.

"Hey, I got the eggs and milk and bread, but I couldn't find any-" Brody broke off, noting Santana's presence as he straightened up and looked properly into the room. There was a moment of awkward silence in which Santana stared down the older boy with her famous glare, Rachel pursed her lips and Kurt arched in eyebrow, amazed by how long it had taken Brody to notice that Santana was there. The Junior shuffled his feet a little. "Um, hey!" he exclaimed. "Are you visiting again? Oh, please tell me there's not another intervention going on," he said, turning to Rachel and Kurt with a look that said he was astounded by their ability to bicker seriously so soon after they made up. Kurt rolled his eyes as Rachel sighed and shook her head.

"_No_," she denied, firmly. "Santana wants to move in." Kurt watched as Brody took in the rather frosty tone to her voice that said she was not overly happy with that prospect and then looked around at the other two friends.

"Okay..." he said, eventually. "Well, I'm going to put the shopping away before the perishables spoil, then I will go and do something else..." he muttered, trailing off and darting towards the fridge in a manner that said he wanted to escape the intensity of Santana's glare, and Kurt couldn't blame him for that. There was a moment of silence before Rachel opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by her own phone.

"Bare with," she said, grabbing her phone from where it rested, and Kurt and Santana rolled their eyes as one. "Oh," she whispered, eyes going wide as she scanned the message before her. Kurt arched his eyebrows.

"Rachel, everything okay?" he asked. Rachel held up a hand as her other fingers flew across the screen, presumably tapping out a message in response. Then Rachel looked up, and there was something slightly panicked about her expression that made Kurt frown. She tucked her hair behind her ears, and Kurt could see the indecision radiating off her.

"Yeah..." she said, slowly. Kurt frowned some more, silently demanding to know what the message had said, and what she'd said back in response too. Rachel bit down on her bottom lip. "Well, um, you see..." Before Kurt could garner an adequate response, his own phone buzzed. Kurt pulled it out of his pocket and looked at Finn's message:

_Hey, Kurt, hope everything's going alright! I thought that I'd give you the heads up that Blaine's a finalist for NYADA. I know nothing's certain at all, but I thought you might want to know. He seemed pretty happy about it too. Sorry if this was, you know, not a good thing to do.-Finn_

Kurt looked back up at Rachel, biting down on the inside of his lip and trying to keep his emotions locked tightly beneath his mask. He narrowed at his eyes slightly and guessed that she had received the news just a little bit before Kurt himself had and had been attempting to work out how to break it to him.

"Finn or Blaine?" he asked, head tilting to the side. Rachel frowned for a moment before sighing.

"Blaine," she admitted. "he just said that he was a NYADA finalist, and I congratulated him for that and offered him advice if he ever needed it..." she said the last part in a tentative manner that said she was unsure what his reaction would be to that. Kurt sighed a little, not entirely sure what his reaction was either. The rational part of his mind was telling him that there was no reason to have any reaction to the situation other than admiration for Blaine's talent and all, but he also knew that that was bullshit. He had to admit that he was anxious and worried to whatever that might lead to, _and _that he was angry at Blaine for potentially ruining everything that he had built at NYADA, not to mention feeling slightly betrayed by Rachel's offer of help even though that was idiotic because Rachel _was_ Blaine's friend. Still, he felt aggression and annoyance building up inside of him, rearing its snappish, undesirable head.

"Do you really want to help him come here?" he asked before he could stop himself. Kurt knew that it wasn't his place to say that Blaine didn't deserve to be at NYADA, and it proved that he wasn't over it at all, but the idea of Blaine coming to New York inspired more fear in him than he would ever have imagined when he'd thought about it before because he had finally found something that seemed so stable and _good_; a close group of friends that he could rely on; steady happiness, and the idea of Blaine coming in and rocking the boat worried him as the idea of another capsize terrified him because what if he drowned this time?

"_Yes_," said Rachel seriously, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him. "there are things that we know now about NYADA that would have been really useful for us to know when _we_ were auditioning, namely what they're _looking _for." She gave him a very pointed stare, and Kurt suppressed an eye roll because he knew she was right, but he didn't want to dwell on that right now because he was angry and trying to cover up his paranoid fear.

"So, what? When Blaine comes here you'll just invite him in too, and we'll all be happy again?" he demanded, scathingly. Rachel rolled her eyes, glaring back at him.

"You've been talking about getting over him and putting it all behind you, but can you really say that you're doing that when _this_ is your reaction to it all? If you were over it then you'd never had said it! So why are you lashing out at me?" There was a moment of intense silence between them. Kurt bristled and straightened up, glaring at her, but Rachel softened and relaxed. "Kurt, you need to stop lying to yourself – it won't make you feel better." Kurt felt that her gentle tone of her voice was condescending and patronising, and it aggravated him.

"Look, _Rachel_, I know you think you know what you're talking about, but you _really_ don't. I'm not lying to myself, and I _know_ that I'm over Blaine. However, though, I'm understandably wary about letting him back in my life and _trusting_ him again, which is something you seem _very_ open to do even though he has _proved_ that he doesn't deserve it!" Rachel's eyebrows leapt up her forehead.

"I'm not saying _that_, Kurt! I'm not saying everything is going to be like it was in Senior year, or whatever! I'm just saying that I _will_ help him if he needs it in his application for NYADA: _that's_ _it_!" There was another long silence in which Kurt breathed deeply, trying to retain control, and wondered why this was spiralling out of control.

"Hey, Mannequin Man, where's the popcorn?" Rachel and Kurt looked away from each other, quickly, to see Santana looking at Brody, who had appeared back in the main area at the sound of the argument. "This household just got interesting, and after you fetch me that be a good Ken Doll and use those muscles to put my suitcase away in my room – I can't start unpacking whilst this melodrama is unfolding!" Kurt and Rachel's eyes met across the room, the anger between them evaporating as alarm spread across their features.

"_What_?!"

* * *

"So, she's staying then?" asked Adam, slinging his bag onto his shoulder. Kurt nodded, running a hand through his hair as the other Adam's Apples left from the auditorium, laughing and talking together and bandying about ideas of another epic mash-up, this time of Simon and Garfunkel, and leaving their two current soloists to talk alone.

"Yes, there's absolutely no prospect of getting her out of the house at the present moment so me and Rachel have decided not to waste our energy on that task as it will, undoubtedly, be extraneous." Adam snorted a little.

"I don't doubt that at all. If I learnt anything from you and Rachel is that you Ohio- Ohioions...Ohiens..." he frowned, tilting his head to the side trying to work out what the correct term for people that came from Ohio.

"Ohioans," supplied Kurt. Adam smiled at him in thanks, and the two of them began to walk out of the hall.

"Thanks! Anyway, the point is that I learnt from you and Rachel that you're all insane and stubborn as hell so I'm not at all surprised. I mean, when I was getting to know Rachel I had to try and keep an open mind and not focus on how..._weird_ I thought she was from everything you said!" Kurt snorted, walking through the door ahead of Adam as the older boy held it open for him. "So, are you actually _okay_ with her being there? I mean, there isn't going to be another dramatic diva-off, is there?" Kurt laughed at the disturbed look on his face.

"No, there will be no epic diva-off, I think..." Adam laughed a little at his response, nodding in relief.

"Good, because I don't want you going through what you did with Rachel _again_; it really cut you up, and you don't need any of that crap." Kurt smiled at him in gratitude, but he also knew what Adam was thinking: _Blaine_. He sighed, shaking his head a little, and then gestured for Adam to keep talking. The blonde studied him for a moment, carefully analysing him, before he smiled and began to talk again. "So what about Blaine? Because I agree that it's not your place to stop him from doing what he wants, but you shouldn't have to be in situations that make you feel..._uncomfortable_, especially not if they're avoidable." Kurt shrugged, sighing.

"I don't know. I mean, I think I may just have overreacted to the situation. After all, it's not like we're going to know any time soon whether or not he's coming here – he's not had his audition, and they give you the results _so late_. Not to mention I'm not sure how his dad'll take it." Adam nodded, sage expression on his face but said nothing and so encouraged Kurt to keep talking. "I just sort of freaked out, I guess, because everything seems to be going really well for me at the moment, and I've not had Blaine on my mind too much, and the idea of him being here seems to put my well-earned happiness in jeopardy...I don't like that feeling, or idea." Adam arched his eyebrows and rolled his eyes.

"Well _of course_ you don't!" he exclaimed. "I don't think _anyone_ would. The point is, are you going to let it get to you?" Kurt shot him a glare that said it wasn't that simple but then relented into a more resigned expression.

"As there's nothing I can do, I'm going to try, but..." he shrugged, pursing his lips. Adam put a hand on his shoulder as they came to a stop in the hallway. He gave him an easy smile that said he was about to give some advice.

"You know, NYADA is a big school, and you _are_ a year above him. I know that the idea of having him around seems to rock the boat, but there isn't actually that much reason to see him." Kurt frowned a little, and Adam smiled a little wider at the fact that Kurt was listening to him. "Take me and Brody for example," he continued. "he's a year below me, and even though we've been involved in the same productions and everything, we've never been anything more than polite acquaintances before I started hanging out with you _and_ Rachel. It can be the same with you and Blaine; you have the same focus in music and dance, just like me and Brody, but that doesn't mean you have to overlap." Kurt frowned, not sure it was the same because Kurt _knew_ Blaine – too well – whereas Adam and Brody had never met. "I know what you're thinking," added Adam, grinning. "but _he_ threw _you_ out so that means he doesn't have the right to hang around with you if you don't want him too; I'm sure Rachel would understand that." Kurt sighed.

"I suppose..." he said in a tone of voice that was unconvinced, not entirely sure that Blaine would consent to that as Kurt had no idea what the Warbler had in mind to do next. Adam patted his shoulder, squeezing tightly a moment later and causing Kurt to smile at him widely just _because_.

"Don't worry, regardless of that, I am going to do my best to distract you from all of that," he said, turning around so that he was standing in front Kurt. He shot him a charming smile that just made Kurt's inside melt.

"What do you have in mind?" he asked, not entirely sure whether he actually wanted to know because the idea of a surprise from Adam was enticing and made his insides squirm pleasantly. Adam grinned just a little brighter.

"Oh, you'll have to wait and see..." and with that, and a quick check of his watch, he dashed off, waving goodbye.

* * *

Kurt rubbed his eyes as he walked into the kitchen, glaring over at Santana where she lay on the sofa, clearly intending to continue her lounging into another day, probably because she had stayed up late _every single night_ and watched whatever crap was on TV, slowly depriving Kurt, and Rachel and Brody, of sleep.

"You know, I thought that you _didn't_ have plans on acquiring excess fat?" he commented, walking over to the door and picking up the letters that had been stuffed through. Santana twisted around, arching an eyebrow at him.

"Do I _look_ like I am acquiring blubber?" she demanded in an icy voice that questioned whether he wanted to potentially imply that she was overweight again. Kurt said nothing in response, not daring to enter _that_ conversation. Instead, he leant against the counter and flicked through the letters that had arrived. Most of them were flyers and adverts, but he came across three identical envelopes addressed to him, Rachel and Santana – it seemed someone, probably Brittany, had told people that she was living there. Kurt opened the envelope addressed to him and smiled at the sight of an invitation from Mr Schue and Ms Pillsbury to their wedding on Valentine's Day.

"Hey, Satan, heads up," Kurt tossed the invitation onto Santana as Rachel stumbled out of her room, wrapped in a dressing gown and looking like she wanted to fall back asleep. Kurt offered her the envelope from Mr Schue, and Rachel managed a grin whilst Santana groaned, dropping her head over the arm of the sofa.

"I was just _there_!" she exclaimed in annoyance, rolling her eyes. "They couldn't even give us a heads up! I could have saved _a_ _lot_ of money on plane tickets!" Kurt shook his head, yawning whilst Rachel rubbed her eyes once more and mumbled something about gaining sleep in NYADA and wedding presents.

Kurt himself got changed and left as quickly as possible, before Rachel and Brody, so that he could get some shut eye before class, not to mention actually thinking about the things that he had repressed in his mind when he had first seen the invitation…well, the one thing that it had instantly forced into his mind: _Blaine_.

The obvious problem was that Blaine would be at the wedding. There would be no getting around meeting Blaine at this event because, unless he was fully prepared to turn his back on the New Directions, there would be no excusable reason for him not to be there. Not only would Kurt be forced to be in Blaine's _presence_ and undoubtedly be forced to see that he was further from attaining his goal of being over Blaine than he would have liked, but it was on _Valentine's Day_, and the invitation said plus one, and so that meant they were meant to bring an actual _date_. That meant _Sebastian_ would be there. Kurt would have to see them being _coupl-y_ together! Kurt didn't think he could handle that, especially when he was on his own...that was an utterly depressing and pathetic thought.

Still there was no way for him to get around it; he couldn't not _not_ go either, and he couldn't really bring someone because bringing a friend would seem lame and pathetic. He would be all alone on a day that had meant so much to both Blaine _and_ Kurt – the day, two years back, Kurt admitted his feelings to Blaine for the first time and opened up the doors of possibility to other boy – whilst Blaine spent the day with the boy whose wicked devices had enabled Blaine to surprise Kurt in such a delightful manner a year ago.

The problem with his problem was that all of the solutions – the pitiful few he could think of – were out of his control. He couldn't make them change the date to one of less meaning, nor could he stop Blaine from bringing Sebastian with him to the event, or even create the illusion that he wasn't as alone as he was because that would rely on someone else consenting to pretending that, not to mention having to count on Santana and Rachel to _not_ spill the beans, or for Santana not to hold it over his head in one of her evil ways. Once more he was seemingly helpless against the combined, conspiratorial forces of the world. Was it too much for ask for him to have a trip to Lima that would not be excruciatingly, agonisingly, heart-breakingly, soul-crushingly painful?

He rubbed a hand over his tired eyes as he walked into the warm halls of NYADA, shaking a head at the idiocy of the voice inside of his head that had the task of the internal monologue, because – _of course_ – it was far too much to ask for Lima to be anything less than its painful self. For one, it was a _city_, and so it would be unfair to point the finger at _it_ for causing him pain when in reality it was the people that abided within it that hurt him so, and secondly, it was only painful to Kurt because he dwelled on the matter so and allowed it to affect him.

Besides, this trip back wasn't ever about him; it was about Mr Schue, who had looked after all the New Directions as best as he could and had always been filled with hope and enthusiasm and had never given up on any of them and had believed that they were special and could achieve greatness and their dreams, and the fact that he was _finally_ about to marry Miss Pillsbury and be happy. It was the very least he deserved, especially after the painful twists and turns his personal life had taken whilst he had coached them towards victory. Kurt, therefore, couldn't linger on his own feelings and allow himself to sour such an occasion and ruin it.

"Hey Kurt!" Kurt blinked, rubbing his eyes and focusing in on Adam, who was walking towards him with a concerned expression on his face. Kurt yawned widely and gave him a smile. Adam hurried over to his side, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?" Kurt nodded, yawning again.

"Yes," he said, giving him a small smile. "just very tired…Santana stays up all night watching TV because she has no place to be the next day, unlike the rest of us." He ran a hand down his face, and Adam adopted his disapproving expression that was very much like that of a parent who had discovered that their child had just done something naughty. That thought made him snort a little, imagining Santana's reaction to someone treating her like she was a child. Adam frowned at him, head tilting to the side in confusion. "Nothing," he said, shaking his head. "just thinking about…something…" Adam burst into one of his wide grins at that.

"Excellent!" he exclaimed, clapping a hand around Kurt's shoulders and beginning to walk, dragging him along by his side and thankfully not requiring him to do much. "So, I've been thinking about you…_a lot_!" Kurt flushed a little at that even though he should be used to it by now given that Adam said that kind of thing frequently. "And I have come up with an idea; do you have any plans for Valentine's Day?" Kurt swallowed, trying to stop his face from spontaneously combusting in a blush because his head was beginning to spin from the implications of that statement.

"Um," he began, swallowing. "yes…" he said, hesitantly. Adam came to an immediate halt, staring at Kurt with a wide eyed expression.

"_What_?" he yelped, loudly, causing a lot of eyes to turn to them. Kurt scowled at him, crossing his eyes and giving him a glare that said he was not pleased with Adam's reaction to the fact he had plans on Valentine's Day.

"Thanks for that, Adam," he commented, icily, glaring at the older boy with such an intensity that Adam's eyes grew even wider in fear and alarm and he held his hands up in an immediate surrender.

"Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to offend you, I just- I just- we're _friends_, and I would have thought that if you had…_found_ someone like that, I would know…or at the very least heard gossip from Rachel about it." Kurt snorted a little.

"Good save," he said, grinning. Adam nodded in thanks. "and don't worry-"

"I _wasn't_-" began Adam in denial, and Kurt arched an eyebrow that dared him to question that fact. Adam conceded the point with a meek dip of his head.

"-I would tell you," continued Kurt. "if that was the case, but it's not that: our coach in Glee club – Mr Schue – is getting married on Valentine's Day, and he's invited all back so I'm going, of course." Adam nodded in understanding, pursing his lips but still smiling at him.

"Okay, well…that's nice. I take it then all of your old friends will be there too?" Kurt nodded. "And Blaine too?" he asked, tentatively. Kurt nodded once more, pulling a rather taut expression and grimacing. Adam nodded, accepting the news and clearly turning it over in his mind. "How are you feeling about that?" he asked, eventually, tilting his head to the side and looking at Kurt with an inquisitive expression. Kurt shrugged.

"Not great, I suppose," he admitted, shrugging once more. "I mean, there's nothing I can do about the matter, and it's basically irrelevant how I feel, but I'm looking forward to the prospect less than I would have liked." He tried to pull a nonchalant expression and missed, but Adam's expression of gentle listening and understanding meant that that didn't matter. "We were all really close, you know? When Mr Schue started up the New Directions only _five_ people signed up, and I was one of them, which means I was one of the _original_ five and all…" he shrugged. "It just means that it feels wrong that I should feel any reluctance about going back for an event like this." Adam smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. Kurt looked between him and the hand. "Are you about to deliver me a speech about how you understand because of something to do with your horrible ex-boyfriend?" Adam screwed up his face.

"Would that be a bad idea 'cause I have several stories that I feel are applicable right now." Kurt rolled his eyes a little, smiling in amusement at the way Adam looked at him in mild apprehension.

"Why don't you hit me with your best shot?" he suggested, crossing his arms and staring at him with an arched eyebrow.

"Well," said Adam, straightening up and adjusting his bag strap. "the obvious one that springs to mind is our leavers dance – basically like a prom. It was the evening of leavers day, surprisingly enough, so mid-July. It was just after the end of the trial." Adam's face closed up, and he rubbed a hand across his forehead looking pained. Kurt stepped forward, putting a hand on his upper arm and giving him a sympathetic look.

"You don't have to tell me this story if you don't want to." Adam shook his head, shooting him a smile.

"No, it's fine. I don't really remember it that well – it was an utter whirlwind…" he shook his head again. "Anyway, it was the first school event, and I was scared out of my wits, and it was…obviously, me and Michael were going to go together so it was- it was hard, but I went." He shrugged, shooting him a smile. "I didn't go because I wanted to go; I'd have to be an idiot to want to go, but Warren asked me to go as his date…" he snorted. "My straight best friend asked me to the dance, that's how desperate we both were, and I went because he asked me to; because he was my best friend, and I enjoyed it – it was worth all the pain, Kurt, 'cause I had a really fun time, even though Felix was avoiding me like the plague." He grinned at Kurt, and Kurt blinked at him, once more finding that even though Adam's story didn't quite seem relevant to him that it comforted him nonetheless. He guessed that the message that Adam was trying to deliver was that actually the pain wouldn't sully it as much as Kurt might have thought – there would be plenty of good memories and feelings, enough to make it obsolete perhaps.

"That was a good shot," he commented, smiling at the Senior. Then the bell went, and Kurt jumped. He shot Adam one last grateful grin as he began to hurry down the corridor. "Thanks! I'll see you later!" Adam waved him off, and Kurt ran to his lesson, what Adam had said about Warren sitting in his mind.

* * *

"Rachel," said Kurt, appearing behind his friend where she sat with Brody. The two of them jumped as one, and Kurt smiled down at them in a pleasant manner. "can I have a word?" he asked in that same sweet voice, like he was completely unaware that he had interrupted a romantic conversation between the two. Rachel sighed in a huffy manner that was mostly fake.

"Of course, sweetie!" she said with a smile, getting up. She shot him a confused frown that asked what he wanted, but Kurt simply beckoned her away from Brody. "Is everything okay, Kurt?" she asked. "Is this something to do with Blaine and the wedding?" she guessed with a worried look upon her face. "Is it going to be a problem; you know, Sebastian being there and all? I mean, you _have to_ be there, _but_ I get that it's Valentine's Day and all so it'll be hard. I don't know, do you think we could talk to Mr Schue or something because, let's face it, there are sort of legitimate reasons and all?" Kurt held up his hands, arching his eyebrows and giving her a condescending look that told her to shut up and let him talk. She shot him an apologetic smile and demanded answers instead. Kurt sighed.

"I wanted to know," he said, slowly and calmly. "whether you were bringing Brody to the wedding." Rachel stared at him intensely for a moment, clearly trying to divine where that line of questioning was going before shaking her head.

"No, I talked to him about it on the way here, and he said that he felt weird going to the wedding of people he didn't know." Kurt arched an eyebrow in disbelief, and Rachel shrugged a little, looking over his shoulder and back at Brody. Kurt cleared his throat to draw her attention back to him and cocked his head. "Well, I kind of see where he's coming from. I mean, we're all going to know each other and all, and I can understand why he wouldn't want to spend our first Valentine's Day together making awkward small talk with people that he's never met before…well, he's met _two_ of them before, but one of them is _Finn_ and the other is _Blaine_…that's, like, super, _super_, _**super**_ awkward!" Kurt considered what she'd said and then nodded, agreeing that only knowing your girlfriend's ex and her best friend's ex at an event would be unbearably awkward for someone.

"Okay, yeah, your boyfriend is talking sense for once." Rachel glared at him for the jab, and Kurt simply shrugged.

"So, why did you want to know?" she asked, effectively diverting the conversation onto another path before Kurt could get into the business of insulting Brody again. Kurt smiled pleasantly once before responding.

"I was considering bringing Adam to the wedding." Rachel's eyes bugged wide open at his idea, and she jumped up and down on the spot with an excited expression on her face, and Kurt knew she was about to start squealing.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "Are you guys dating? Is it official! Oh my god! This is so exciting!" She threw her arms around him, hugging tightly. Kurt blinked in alarm, patting her on the back in an attempt to try and get her to let go of him.

"Okay, okay, that's starting to hurt a little now!" he wheezed, and Rachel stepped back, eyes alight with excitement. "_And_ I am _not_ dating Adam!" Rachel's expression fell, and she stared at him with a confused expression that demanded to know why Kurt wanted to bring Adam to wedding if they weren't dating. Kurt sighed and threw his hands up in the air in exasperation, correct posture slumping in mild defeat. "I don't know, I was going to ask him if Brody was coming too, but I can't do it if Brody's not coming…" he trailed off, shaking his head and looking at Rachel tiredly. Rachel frowned at him in a concerned manner, and Kurt sighed. "I don't know. I just wanted to bring someone, but I can't if Brody's not coming because that will just raise lots of confusing, awkward question which I don't want to deal with around Blaine, and especially not anywhere near _Sebastian_." Rachel nodded, sympathetically.

"Well, I can ask Brody again if you want." Kurt shook his head, waving it away.

"No, don't be ridiculous! If he doesn't want to come he doesn't want come, we can't _make_ him, and we shouldn't. No, it was just something that I thought after I had this conversation with Adam…I don't know, he told me this story, and I had this idea, which I grant was a stupid one so never mind."

"He told you a story?" asked Rachel in a confused manner, brows scrunching up in bafflement. Kurt stared at her blankly for a moment, questioning why she was looking at him like that, before something really big snapped together in his mind: no one else knew what he knew about Adam…well, no one at NYADA at any rate, of course everyone in England knew about it in probably greater detail than him. Kurt knew that Luke, his best friend and roommate, knew the skeleton of the story that Adam had told Kurt in the café, plus the part about Michael's sentence, but Kurt knew more than that. Kurt had known Adam for less than _two months_, but he somehow knew him better than people who had known him for going on _four years_! What did _that_ mean? Adam trusted Kurt on a level that Kurt hadn't really acknowledged before because he had thought that their relationship was even because Kurt had basically told Adam everything, and Adam gave him advice and support in return, as well as telling him about what had happened to him. Kurt had never really noticed that every time Adam gave him advice he didn't just _help_ Kurt; he opened up more and more with implicit and unquestioning trust. Adam had this faith in Kurt that seemed to increase every time that Adam gave something to _him_, not the other way round… Oh, this was _not_ good for his brain.

"_Kurt_!" exclaimed Rachel, snapping her fingers in front of his face. Kurt jolted, shaking his head and trying to clear his mind. "Everything okay?" she asked. Kurt shook his head once more, trying to gather his mind.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine," he assured her, giving her a strong smile. Rachel looked unconvinced, but Kurt gave her another smile to try and deter her from questioning him anymore about it. "I just had a thought." Rachel stared at him in a manner that said she was questioning his sanity more and more in this conversation.

"Okay…" she said, slowly, still eyeing him. Kurt gave her a smile that he knew failed at reassuring her. "so…are you sure that you're okay about not going with anyone?" Kurt shrugged because, no, he wasn't sure that he was okay with going with no one – scrap that; he _knew_ that he wasn't okay with it – but there was nothing he could do to change that so he just had to accept it and move on.

"Yeah," he said, shooting her another smile and wondering why he was bothering lying through his teeth to his best friend. "of course I'm fine!" Rachel narrowed her eyes and then sighed, shrugging. A silence fell between them, and Kurt knew that she wanted to leave him to his musings, but that she didn't feel like she _could_ leave him. Kurt, on the other hand, was still caught up in everything that Adam had said to him because something was very slowly clicking into place, and he didn't want to rush the revelation that was coming to him at a painfully languid pace that was very annoying because he got the impression that this was meant to be something very obvious.

…"_My straight best friend asked me to the dance, that's how desperate we both were, and I went because he asked me to; because he was my best friend, and I enjoyed it – it was worth all the pain, Kurt, 'cause I had a really fun time…"…_

"Rachel," he began, eyes lighting up as he finally came upon the conclusion that he was searching for. "I have just had a brilliant idea!" Rachel blinked, looking at him in confusion, clearly asking whether he thought it was normal to just zone out for long periods of time and then restart a conversation again like nothing had happened. Kurt dismissed it with a roll of his eyes. "We can't bring anyone for varying reasons, so we should go _together_!" Rachel blinked.

"What as best friends?" she asked in confusion, and Kurt rolled his eyes in annoyance, glaring at her.

"_No_, as _secret_ _lovers_!" Several disturbed eyes turned to them at his scathing outburst. "Of course, as best friends!" Rachel snorted a little, rolling her eyes back at him before breaking out into a grin and hugging Kurt once more.

"That's great!" she enthused. "This is going to be so much fun!" Kurt laughed and swung an arm around her shoulders, turning her around and noticing that Adam had walked over to Brody at some point and the two of them were now talking amiably, and nodded along in response to Rachel's babbling about colour co-ordinated outfits.


	38. Chapter 38

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Okay, so this is the last update for at least two weeks because I'm going away, but hopefully it will bide you over until I update next, which will be the first part of the Valentine's Day arc (though Kurt's starts a little before Valentine's Day) and that arc is probably going to last about eight chapters as I've roughly divided it into four sections in my head, but there are still some grey areas so it might take me a while to update. Anyways, thanks for all the support of this story; it's wonderful!_**

**_Enjoy the chapter!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"__Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," "Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway."_ ― John Green, _The Fault in Our Stars_

* * *

"Are you alright, Bas?" Blaine looked between David, whose head was tilted to the side and had a look of concern gracing his features, and Sebastian, who was slumped over his meal, and sat up in confused alarm, noting the lack of poise and togetherness from the boy that seemed to hold himself upright with perfect posture naturally and tended to never look anything less than immaculate. Trent, Nick and Jeff, who had been involved in an argument about privacy and Trent's right to not tell them that he was dating the Senior Class President of Crawford, all looked round too and noted the way that Sebastian had failed to acknowledge David because he was too busy yawning.

"Seb!" snapped Trent, poking him with his fork. Sebastian jerked, sitting upright and looking around, seemingly finally taking in his surroundings. Everyone watched him worriedly as a frown fell across his face.

"Where's Thad?" he demanded, and there was a moment of silence in which the other five boys made eye contact and silently questioned what the hell was going on before turning back to Sebastian with perturbed expressions.

"He's talking to Mrs Henderson, remember?" said David, slowly, looking even more concerned than before. Sebastian frowned a little more, rubbing his eyes and looking round the canteen for a moment before nodding.

"Right, yeah..." There was a moment of silence in which he stared at them in confusion, clearly asking why they were all looking at him, and they all arched their eyebrows in response. David heaved a sigh and set down his cutlery.

"What's going on? You look like you haven't slept in days. What's wrong?" Sebastian blinked once and then looked down at his plate. He reached for his fork, but David got there first, knocking the utensil to the floor. Blaine watched the interaction curiously as Sebastian glared at him, and David stared back impassively. "It's got something to do with Thad, I'm not stupid, and that's _our_ business." There was a moment of silence before Sebastian's eyes flickered to Nick, Jeff and Trent. There was an awkward moment before Trent sighed and got up.

"Come on you two, did you actually _do_ that Maths homework, or not?" With loud protests against Trent's mistrust, the couple got to their feet and trailed him to another table. Blaine, heart beating faster because this was about Eli and he already felt sick with fear, turned to Sebastian. Sebastian sighed, shaking his head.

"It's just a conversation I had with Thad...I can't get it out of my head; I don't know what to do..."

* * *

"Thad, what's wrong?" Sebastian sat up in bed, blankets pooled around his waist as he supported himself on his hands, looking at his friend who was sitting up and reading avidly from his book of Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales. Thad looked up from his page, frown creasing his brow for a second before he returned to the story. A heavy silence hung between them, both fully aware that there was something important being left unsaid, but it was Thad's, and he wasn't sharing. "Thad, I'm fucking serious, okay?" he snapped, breaking easily and pulling the book from Thad's hands, shutting it with a sharp crack and putting it on the bedside table before Thad could fully comprehend that it was gone.

"_Bastian_!" hissed Thad, eyes flashing dangerously in a manner that said he would deliver death unto Sebastian for stealing his book once more. Sebastian arched his eyebrows to silence him. Thad deflated a little bit and shook his head in a tired manner. "I don't wanna talk about it," he said, finitely. He shook his head again, but Sebastian shot him a flat look that said there would be no getting around this.

"Look, you're reading fairy tales," he said, bluntly. "instead of ploughing through your self-created, mile long reading list for uni… There's something on your mind, and it's eating you up, so we are having a friggin' heart to heart conversation until I have found out what the hell is up with you; you will not sleep or have a moment of peace until you do." Sebastian arched an eyebrow, and Thad stared back at him defiantly for a moment before turning away so that his back faced Sebastian.

"I really don't want to talk about it; you'll just think, _and say_, it's stupid...that _I'm_ stupid." Sebastian took in a deep breath through his nose and shuffled closer to him, hands hovering in the air above Thad's shoulders, clearly unsure as to what his next move should be.

"Look, let's just throw that thought to hell, alright? I learnt my lessons about trivialising things that matter to you, and I care too much about you to do that again; we both know _that's_ true." There was a silence before Thad let out a long sigh.

"It just hurts," he whispered, looking down at his hands with glistening eyes. "It just _really hurts_."

"What hurts?" pressed Sebastian, hands falling instinctively onto Thad's shoulders, squeezing and holding onto his friend as tightly as he could so that he didn't risk losing him again.

"Valentine's Day," he muttered. "I know what'll happen: Nick and Jeff'll be even more lovey-dovey, Trent'll be with this new girlfriend, David, you and Blaine will get loads of cards and gifts and shit, but me…" he trailed off, nostrils flaring and tears stinging in his eyes as he bit down on the inside of his lip to stop himself from crying. He shook his head. "No one has ever wanted me. Blaine didn't want me, _you_ would have fucked anything that moved in that moment so _you_ didn't want _me_…It _really fucking hurts_ that the only person who will ever want me is _Eli_..." He choked up and broke off, tears beginning to slide down his face. Sebastian's hands dug into Thad's shoulders.

"Thad, look, Valentine's Day doesn't mean _anything_. It's just a stupid holiday, and it means nothing about anything, and as for Eli…well that son-of-a-bitch-" he broke off when Thad tugged himself from his grasp. He was crying more readily now, hunching over to shield himself from Sebastian, and when Sebastian reached forward to reaffirm his grip on his friend he jerked away once more.

"That's why I didn't want to tell you! You don't get it! You don't understand! It might mean nothing to you, but _nothing_ means _anything_ to you!" There was a heavy silence after that, Thad bending double so that he could press his forehead into his knees, shoulders shaking, and Sebastian tensed his jaw and balled his hands into tight fists.

The silence hung over them for much longer, Thad still crying and completely unwilling to turn back to face Sebastian. Sebastian unclenched his fists and let out a long breath, closing his eyes in an obvious effort to unwind and calm down so that he could deal with the situation effectively. Thad simply kept his forehead pressed into knees, hands fisting into his hair.

"Thad, look at me," said Sebastian, eventually, calm tone of voice slightly undermined by the choked quality to it that said that he was severely worried about the sudden, unexpected situation that had never occurred before when he'd stolen Thad's book. Thad's head shook from side to side.

"No, I don't want you to see me cry." Sebastian choked on his laughter at that. Thad tensed up even more.

"Thad, I have seen you cry so many times before; one more time isn't going to change my opinion on you, that was formed a _long_ time ago." Thad shook his head once more.

"No, _please_. I can't have you judge me anymore." Sebastian would have snorted at that had it not been for the fact that his voice was tiny and choked and terrified.

"Thad, I think about you pretty much all of the time, but I don't _judge_ you…I worry about you most of all, but I don't really care about that anymore because David was right – for once – as fear will keep me sharp, and if I'm sharp than I stand the best chance of keeping you alive. That's all I care about: _nothing else matters_." With that, he reached forward, winding an arm around Thad's middle, and pulled them down onto the bed so that they were lying on their sides, facing the room. He curled up around Thad, nestling the smaller boy safely inside of his arms, gently resting his chin against Thad's shoulder.

"Bastian…I- am- what if I end up on my own? Eli's the only person that's ever wanted me, and he- he barely…it- it still wasn't _me_."

"Thad," said Sebastian gently, pulling Thad even closer against him and curling up even more so that there was no gap between them anywhere. "look you need to stop thinking about Eli like that. He didn't want you, either, okay? And that might not seem like a good thing right now, but it really is. Now, he was just a selfish, son-of-a-bitch, and if you get it out of your head that he wanted you, then you are going to make life a good deal easier for yourself." He pulled the blankets up so that it was covering most of them. "And in the end, if you are still single at the end of the day, which I highly doubt you will be, then you've always got me." Thad snorted a little at that, and Sebastian managed one of his own, smile flickering across his face. "I just want _you_, alive and well, and, if needs be, right here in my arms next to me."

"Thanks," muttered Thad, once the statement had sunk in properly and Sebastian was beginning to wonder whether saying that was the right thing to say. "I'm sorry I-"

"Forget it," said Sebastian, sharply. "I don't care." He squeezed his arms around Thad's middle. "Feel that?"

"Mm-hmm."

"That means I've got you, alright? _No matter what_."

* * *

"Shit!" exclaimed David, running a hand over his head as Blaine stared at the table, feeling sick at the proof to what he'd thought – this whole situation affected Thad worse because he had never had a boyfriend; someone who loved him like that, and the thought that Eli might be the only person that had ever _liked_ him was so sickening. He took a deep breath, and David's hand grasped his shoulder, squeezing tightly to try and comfort him. Sebastian nodded, grimly.

"We need to get him a boyfriend," said Blaine, swallowing to try and keep down his lunch. Sebastian shot him a dark look that said there was no way in hell that anyone was going to be dating Thad _ever_. David snorted a little at Sebastian's overprotective side but shook his head at Blaine. Blaine frowned between the two of them. "_What_? _Why_?"

"Well, firstly, they would probably go running for the hills at Sebastian, and secondly, I don't think we should set him up with anyone; it would make him feel awkward and uncomfortable. This has to be something that he does for himself." Blaine huffed, slumping against the table but agreeing that David was probably right. "I think, instead, we should do something a little..._smaller_. Something that we can actually _do_." There was a moment of silence before Blaine rolled his eyes, staring at Sebastian incredulously as a smile broke out across his face, confusing the other two.

"It's obvious!" he exclaimed. "We need to sing him a song on Valentine's day. I mean, it's not like we-" he looked directly at Sebastian. "-have plans, or anything, so we can sing to him and then just..." he shrugged. "just show him that there's nothing really too special about the day; that it's just another day that doesn't determine anything." There was a moment of silence before Sebastian face-palmed and David laughed.

"You should be ashamed, Sebastian!" Sebastian groaned and slammed his face into the table as Thad walked over, tired eyes lighting up in amusement at the sight of Sebastian banging his head into a table and muttering about the end of the world because Blaine was thinking logically.

* * *

"Where's Nick?" demanded Sebastian, looking around the hall with his hands on his hips, disapproving expression on his face. Blaine rolled his eyes, personally thinking that Sebastian was getting a little too stressed over the song for Thad, and Jeff held up his hands whilst David and Trent shared exasperated looks.

"I told him we were meeting up later," he said. "I needed to talk to you guys first." Blaine frowned, a concerned expression falling onto his face like it did with the others. Jeff sighed a little, rolling his eyes at their worries, and shook his head as they formed a tight circle on the stage. "It's nothing bad," he assured them. "It's just-" he broke off, shaking his head and reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a small ring box, and Blaine felt his eyes widen, heart skipping a beat and pushing away Kurt and the promise ring and everything and focusing, instead, on Trent and David's shocked faces and the way Sebastian pursed his lips, expression tightening. "What do you think?" he asked.

"Don't do it." Everyone looked at Sebastian in surprise. Blaine felt his eyebrows arch slightly, and he could tell that Sebastian had surprised himself by voicing his thoughts. "I mean," he said, straightening his spine and pulling out a blank expression. "that my parents got married when they were eighteen..." Blaine blinked, guessing that he couldn't fault Sebastian's advice because his parents were forever breaking up, divorcing, remarrying, cheating on each other and fighting. He saw Jeff look around at him and David for support.

"Wait..." he said slowly, the meaning of Sebastian's words finally clocking with him. "are you trying _prolong_ my relationship with Nick?" Sebastian looked pointedly away. "Naww!" exclaimed Jeff, jumping at him and grabbing his cheeks. "You're so _cute_! You care about us!"

"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Sebastian, throwing Jeff off as the others laughed. "I just don't want to become responsible for two more depressed people." Blaine felt his smile die a little at his words, but then David cut in.

"I think Sebastian's right," said David. "You could propose, or tell him that you _want_ to marry him, but – _for god's sake_ – don't _actually_ get married!" Blaine nodded in agreement when Jeff's eyes swept to him.

"Seriously, Finn and Rachel nearly got married last year, and that didn't end well..." Jeff nodded, face falling a little, and Trent stepped forward to put a comforting hand on his roommate's shoulder.

"You guys have been together for a while, and your relationship is incredibly stable, but don't rush this, alright? Just wait until after college." Jeff nodded, looking down at the box in his hand. "Trust me, it'll all be fine."

"What's going to be fine?" They all jumped, and Jeff's hand flew into the pocket as they all spun around, only Sebastian looking casual and normal, to see Nick, frowning between them with a curious glint in his eyes.

"Nothing!" exclaimed Jeff, his voice going all high and squeaky. Nick arched an eyebrow, walking up to his boyfriend and noting the way that his hand was tucked into his trouser pocket with a blink, and pulled a face.

"Right..." he looked at them, and Blaine tried very hard to keep a straight face and not look like he was constipated at the same time. "you guys need lessons on lying...well, not you, Sebastian, but the rest..." Blaine laughed awkwardly, feeling the words hit him a little too close to home because he was already thinking of Kurt, and now he was reminded how he'd lied, so easily and so much, to him.

"We'll bare that in mind," commented Trent in a dry voice, letting go of Jeff's shoulder and taking a couple of steps away from him, all of them trying to look normal. "Now should we get down to business? It's not like we have-"

"So you're _here_!" Six pairs of eyes flew wide in shock, five people deciding that today was clearly not their day, and everybody spun round, unless you were Nick and David because they were facing the right way, to stare at Thad, who had just walked onto the stage and was looking very confused. It was in the second that everyone struggled to think of an excuse that Nick and David's eyes locked onto what had fallen onto the floor, the former's bugging open and the latter choking in shock, and Jeff processed that he was missing something in his pocket. "Wait, is that a-"

"_Shit_!" yelped Jeff, spinning round, and Blaine, confused, twisted back to see Nick picking up the ring box with very wide eyes, taking shallow breaths. Blaine swallowed, face screwing up in a wince as Nick slowly opened the box. Jeff had screwed his eyes shut, hands covering his face. Sebastian was filling Thad, who had just walked over to his side, in, and Trent was looking away. David, however, was staring intensely at Nick whilst Nick stared at the little diamond that poked out on the top of a white gold band, seemingly not breathing or blinking.

"Jeff..." he breathed, eventually. "it's _beautiful_!" he gasped, looking up at his terrified boyfriend with eyes that were still wide but were now also shining with tears. "It must be so expensive! Where did you get the money?" Jeff shifted.

"You know my dad gave me the money to buy a flashy, expensive, sports car? 'Cause, you know, sports cars make you straight." Nick nodded, slowly. "Well," Jeff swallowed, nodding at the ring. "I bought that instead." Nick looked at the ring, and Blaine bit down on his bottom lip, knowing he had to hold back a smile until Nick exploded in joy.

"We're so dead," muttered the dark haired boy. "How do you plan for us to make it to the altar?" Jeff grinned.

"Well, I'm gonna take these guys' advice and say we postpone it until after college. What say we graduate, get a place of our own and then tie the knot?" Nick's face burst into a grin, and he let out a squeal, throwing himself onto Jeff and kissing him full on. Trent stabilised the pair as they continued to kiss each other enthusiastically, running their hands through each other's hair and Nick knocking Jeff's head several times with the box. Blaine cheered, clapping and trying to keep his mind off Kurt, as David and Trent wolf-whistled, Sebastian rolled his eyes and Thad clapped.

"Ookaay," said Trent, pulling them apart when Jeff began to try and undo Nick's tie, deciding to stop either boy before they got a little too overexcited and did something very embarrassing. "I think that's enough...Please, don't come back to our room tonight, Jeff," he added, pulling a face, and everyone laughed, the two boys in question sharing knowing smirks.

"You know what this calls for?" said Jeff, looking around at the group of friends. They all rolled their eyes and nodded.

_While everybody else is getting out of bed_

_I'm usually getting in it_

_I'm not in it to win it_

_And there's a thousand ways you can skin it..._

Jeff began to sing, swaying from side to side on the spot with his widest, cheesiest, _truest_ grin plastered across his face, taking the ring box from Nick and tucking it into his pocket before taking hold of his boyfriend's – fiancé's? – hands, who was grinning at him in an adoring manner that said there was no one else in the world that he ever wanted to look at but him, and Blaine felt torn because he was _so happy_ for them whilst also feeling so sad and so alone.

_I confess you are the best thing in my life_

_But I'm afraid when I hear stories about husband and wife_

_There's no happy endings, no Henry Lee_

_But you are the greatest thing about me_

Jeff pulled Nick as close to him as he could, winding an arm around his waist and holding him to his body tightly, Nick's freed hand falling onto Jeff's chest, and sung straight into his face, their noses almost brushing but prevented from doing so by the height difference, with the utmost sincerity in his voice, eyes boring into Nick's and leaving no doubt in anybody's' mind that he meant every word that he was singing.

_If it's love_

_And we decide that it's forever_

_No one else could do it better_

Nick joined in with the song, voice fitting perfectly with his boyfriends – Blaine's mind really needed clarification on whether or not they were really fiancés because it was confusing his brain – and the two of them began to move, gently, around in a circle on the spot, smiling in a manner that said they believed the lyrics, and that they could last, fully.

_If it's love_

_And we're two birds of a feather_

_Then the rest is just whenever_

Blaine felt the grin on his face become realer and less soured by bitter thoughts of Kurt because if there were two people that he would describe as '_birds of a feather_' it would probably be Nick and Jeff because they were just weirdly connected and on the same wavelength, not to mention their shared insanity, and that made them perfect for each other.

_And if I'm addicted to loving you_

_And you're addicted to my love too_

_We can be them two birds of a feather_

_That flock together_

They began to dance more exuberantly, spinning around faster and as far apart as their arms would let them, and then ducking under them and twirling as they sung with even more jubilation, and Blaine finally joined in with the harmony that had been started by the other boys a while before.

_Love, love_

_Got to have something to keep us together_

_Love, love_

_That's enough for me..._

Jeff hooked his arms around Nick's waist, the two of them coming to an almost stop, and Nick tenderly resting his hands against Jeff's cheeks, caressing them with soft touches, and Blaine could feel that stupid longing rearing its head inside of him because he wished so much that he could be certain that someone would love him like that after what had happened to him with Eli. He looked over at Thad, who was standing by Sebastian's side as per usual, and saw that exactly the same emotion was mapped across his own face. Blaine felt his understanding of what Thad had said to Sebastian deepen because at least Blaine could sink back into the rose-tinted, comforting memories of Kurt and remember that there had been something in him worth loving and that he had been _wanted_ and _needed_, but the closest thing Thad had to that was Sebastian, and Sebastian was good to him – there was no questioning that – and the story further showed Sebastian's gentle, caring nature both verbally and, more importantly, _physically_, but it wasn't the same. Sebastian held onto Thad because he didn't want to lose him; because he wanted to keep him grounded; because he understood that Thad needed someone _there_; because he could; because he was bad with words, but he didn't do it because he _wanted_ to. It was fundamentally, and very importantly, _different_.

_Hold our cell phones up in the air_

_And just be glad that we made it here alive_

_On a spinning ball in the middle of space_

The couple broke apart for the first time, and they threw themselves onto Thad. The boy blinked in shock, stumbling slightly though was supported by Sebastian, who was smiling a little more as he harmonised, and Blaine smiled at the way Nick and Jeff beamed at their friend, spinning him between them, telling him silently and just through those three gestures that this moment would not have been the same, or maybe even have existed, if he wasn't there.

_I love you from your toes to your face..._

The happy couple darted away, grinning all the way and making everyone else just smile more because they were _ecstatic_, bending at the knees and then jumping up, kissing each other in the lips in the split second they found between the verse and chorus.

_If it's love..._

Nick and Jeff began to dance again, and they shot the other five boys looks that said it was about time they joined in the dancing. There was an awkward moment in which David and Trent looked over at Sebastian, and then at each other, seemingly deciding simultaneously that it was probably a good idea to let Sebastian dance with the two boys he _couldn't_ kill, and as the only two straight boys, they might as well dance together. David extended his hand to Trent, and Trent accepted it, putting his hand on David's shoulder as David put it on his waist. Blaine shuffled his feet, feeling a little bit like a third wheel for a moment because Thad and Sebastian had danced together before. However, Thad grabbed Sebastian's hand, dragging him over to Blaine with a grin that quickly spread onto Blaine's face as he snatched Sebastian's other hand, and the taller boy got one second to look alarmed before they turned in opposite directions and caused Sebastian to yelp as they pulled his arms as far apart as they'd stretch. The two boys delighted in tying Sebastian in knots, and just when he thought he knew which way they were going to move, they went the other way, laughing.

_You can move in_

_I won't ask where you been_

_'Cause everybody has a past_

Nick and Jeff broke apart again, and this time grabbed both Blaine and Thad, wrapping their arms around their shoulders, and Blaine was filled with the warmth that came from the reminder that they didn't care about the secret; they accepted it, even if they didn't like it, and they supported them regardless.

_When we're older_

_We'll do it all over again_

Then they beckoned for the others to join them, and they did, Sebastian even holding hands with David who was on one side, Thad being on the other naturally, and Blaine was sure that his smile simply got wider because he was with two people that firmly believe in _friends forever_ and said they were never letting Blaine go again and _meant it_.

_When everybody else is getting out of bed_

_I'm usually getting in it_

_I'm not in it to win it_

_I'm in it for you_

Jeff took both Nick's hands and pulled him away from the others, smiling at him with that wonderfully, doting, adoring smile, left hand cupping Nick's cheek and stroking his jaw bone softly, and Blaine didn't think he'd ever seen that much of a flush tinge Nick's cheeks before as he was normally so unflappable and shameless.

_If it's love_

_And we're two birds of a feather_

_Then the rest is just whenever..._

Jeff had let go of Nick's hands, and at the end of the chorus, he got down on one knee, pulling out the ring and proposing, silently but properly. Blaine raised his hands to his face, covering his mouth that had curved up into a huge grin and suppressing the urge to squeal because he knew what Nick's answer would be, but that didn't mean he didn't feel like exploding in happiness of the sight of Nick nodding and Jeff putting the ring on his finger, and he really felt like he was going to burst in joy and jubilation because it was like true love and everything actually worked out for once, and why had he been so stupid and screwed it all up with Kurt? Why hadn't he just dealt with the loneliness? Then he was pulled back into the dancing by Sebastian and Thad – he was guessing that at least Sebastian knew where his thoughts were going – and he got to forget in the mess of dancing and laughing and singing.

_Love, love_

_That's enough for me_

The boys broke down into more laughter at the end, and Blaine found himself hugging all of his close friends, holding onto them and feeling loved and safe, and it took a couple of minutes before the sound of clapping that wasn't coming from them registered with their ears, and they looked out to the rest of the hall. There, standing by the front row of seats, clapping politely and smiling up at them, was someone that made Blaine's face light up in delight.

"Mr Schue!" he exclaimed in joy, bounding towards the edge of the stage, hopping off it and running over to him.

"Blaine!" said the music teacher, opening up his arms, and Blaine allowed himself to be hugged by the teacher. There was the sound of shuffling feet and mutters, and Blaine guessed that the others were leaving. "It's good to see you!"

"Good to see you too!" he said, stepping back and beaming at him. "What are you doing here?" he asked. Mr Schue smiled at him, patting him on the upper arm.

"I'm just here to see you! Well, and give you this!" he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. Blaine took it with a curious frown on his face. He opened it up, shooting a look on his face, and quickly scanned the text, grinning.

"Awesome!" he enthused, looking up at his teacher again. "I'd sort of forgotten about this!" he apologised.

"It's fine," said Mr Schue, smiling at him. "you've had a lot on your mind." He fixed him with a serious expression on his face, and Blaine knew that look meant they were about to have a serious conversation. "So how are you? I know from Finn that you've been through some rough times; bad things have happened to you, and you got hit pretty hard and all. Are you alright? Are the boys here looking after you? Finn says there hasn't been any trouble – quite the opposite from what I've seen – but, really, how are you?" Blaine frowned once, looking at his feet, and then shrugged.

"Okay, I guess..." he sighed, shrugging again. "I mean, it's been hard and everything, but these guys have really looked after me, and, well, it's all a bit complicated, but I'm better for being here...I've needed them, and just sometimes, they've needed me." Mr Schue looked at him, carefully, and nodded eventually.

"Yes, your friend...How's he doing?" Blaine looked around, on instinct, at the empty stage and shrugged a little again.

"Better, a lot better. Still has bad down moments, but he's on the up on the whole." Mr Schue nodded with an approving smile on his face, and Blaine shifted a little bit, flipping the envelope and invite over in his hands nervously.

"Good...well, you all looked happy on the stage. I have to say Sebastian was almost unrecognisable." Blaine snorted a little, nodding in agreement. He clapped Blaine on the shoulder. "Oh, also, congratulations for becoming a NYADA a finalist," Blaine flushed a little, smiling up at him nervously. "you really deserve that, and if you need references or anything don't hesitate to ask."

"Thanks, but, um, I used the music teacher here 'cause I didn't want to bother you when you were away and everything." Mr Schue nodded in understanding.

"Okay, good...You really seem okay at the moment, Blaine, and that's excellent." Blaine smiled at him some more. "Well, I probably have to be going; lots to do and all, but don't hesitate to call if you need anything from us – we'll always be here to help you, Blaine." Blaine nodded, touched, and swallowing slightly. "So it's a plus one invite, Blaine, so, you know, bring your...well, you know, a date, and you'll be sharing a room at the hotel together, you know?" Blaine nodded. "Oh, and win Nationals, for us, won't you?" Blaine broke out into a smile. "It's still a win for us because you'll always be one of us." Blaine bit down on the inside of his cheek, nodding and feeling even more touched, and pursed his lips together tightly to stop himself from getting overwhelmed. "Bye Blaine!"

"Bye!" he said, raising a hand in farewell and waving his old teacher off, feeling torn somewhere between better and worse because Mr Schue seemed to hold nothing against him for moving, or what he did to Kurt, but Kurt would be at the wedding, and they were meant to invite _dates_, and Kurt had a boyfriend, and even if that was what Blaine wanted for him, he didn't want to sit there and watch Kurt with someone else whilst he was all on his own, feeling horrible and out of place and nothing short of worthless...still, there was nothing he could, or was there...?

Blaine darted from the hall, running through the corridors and heart hammering because it was actually a pretty decent plan, but the idea of seeing Kurt and trying to maintain the façade that said he was okay, and over him, filled him with dread. He knew that he had to do it because he couldn't avoid Mr Schue's wedding because, for one, he would be murdered by the rest of the New Directions, and it was_ Mr Schue's wedding_! He had to do it, and he _wanted_ to do it, and he didn't really have a choice, but he was still frightened and scared at the prospect, and his instinct was screaming at him to run away from the situation.

* * *

"Guys!" he exclaimed, bursting into his and David's room, glad that he had crashed into the right room. He was mildly surprised to see that Nick and Jeff were in there; Nick's head on Jeff's lap whilst Jeff ran a hand through his hair on Blaine's bed, but the actual people – _person_ – that he was looking for were there.

"Hey," said David, raising a hand in greeting and looking up from his textbook. Trent, who had been working at David's desk, glanced up too, and Thad put down his book and raised himself up from Sebastian's shoulder. "everything alright? Is everything okay with your teacher and all?" Blaine nodded, flopping down onto the foot of his bed.

"Yeah. He just- just gave me the invite to his wedding..." he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. "It's on Valentine's Day, and the invite says plus one..." he sighed, looking over at Thad. "I wondered if you would like to come with me," he said, shrugging a little. "I mean, it would be something to do, and it'll be fun and all. I mean, we'd probably have to share a bed, but I reckon that's probably going to be okay with you?" Thad looked a little taken aback for a moment, shrugging a little.

"Um, that's really nice of you, Blaine, but I kind of have plans." Every eye in the room widened as they all gaped at him, demanding to know when the hell that had happened. Thad smiled sheepishly round at them all, avoiding Sebastian's gaze in particular. "It's not anything like that," he muttered. "I'm just babysitting David's siblings."

"You're _what_?" demanded David, eyebrows leaping up his forehead as everyone turned to him, having been under the impression that _he_ was going to be taking care of his siblings on Valentine's Day whilst his parents were out.

"Well," said Thad, shrugging. "your mum only contacted me this lunch time, actually, which was why I was looking for all of you...well, apart from the fact that you'd all vanished. Anyway, she said you had had to change your plans, and they said they knew that I didn't have any, which apparently concerned you all, and so she suggested I do it because I love your siblings, and they love me," he shrugged, turning towards Blaine and pulling an apologetic face. "I'm sorry, but I kind of want to do it." Blaine held up his hands, saying that was fine before frowning over at David.

"Anything you want to tell us?" asked Nick, innocently, turning judging eyes towards David. David shifted a little on his bed, looking between all the other boys in the room with an expression that said he would rather not be having this conversation. Blaine smirked a little, like the others were.

"Look, Evie called me, and she wanted to see if we could work things out so I decided that it couldn't hurt because, well, I still like her and everything." He shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. "I didn't want to tell you because I'm not sure we can actually sort out our relationship; I'm just looking for one last hurrah." There was a moment of silence before Blaine nodded in understanding agreement and flopped down onto the bed, throwing his arms over his head and groaning. Now what was he going to do about the wedding?

"Why do you have to bring a date?" asked Sebastian, probably arching an eyebrow at him in a confused, condescending manner. "Why is this such a big deal?" Blaine sighed, sitting up and dragging a hand down his face.

"Because Kurt has a _boyfriend_, and he'll be there, and I don't think that I can deal with that, and I just want to not feel like crap all the way through the event because I just _can't_ be on my own, and you just wouldn't understand because this is something that you wouldn't get because it's a whole _romantic_ thing, and you don't understand-" Blaine broke off, eyes widening as a very stupid thought struck him. Sebastian's eyes narrowed at him. "Sebastian, would you go to the wedding with me?" he asked before the others could work out what he was thinking and say anything. Nick, Jeff and David all snorted as one, Trent did a double take and Thad choked, looking at Blaine in a manner that questioned his sanity for suggesting that. Sebastian looked at him, eyebrow arching and looking a little alarmed.

"Um, _no_, why would I do that? I _do not_ want to spend an _entire_ _day_ with the New Directions. I can handle them in small doses, but in such a large quantity I think I might-" Blaine narrowed his eyes to a glare, and Thad whacked him very hard on the arm. Sebastian broke off, shooting Thad an annoyed look before looking back at Blaine.

"But you're not doing anything," protested Blaine, pulling out his most hangdog expression and silently pleading with him. "_please_ would you come? I'm not asking you to be nice or social or anything, I'm just asking you to _be there_ for _me_, _please_?" There was a moment in which Blaine stared at him as pleadingly as he could and sort of knew that he had won as he could see Sebastian's resolve crumbling in his prolonged silence.

"This is a big mistake, but yes," he said, rolling his eyes. Blaine's face lit up with a grin and flung himself onto him.

"Thank you!" he exclaimed, being allowed to hug him once before being thrown off onto the floor. Blaine continued to smile at him despite that, even though he was pretty sure that he had just made a huge mistake that he would likely live to regret and would almost certainly result in Sebastian being involved in murder in some way.


	39. Chapter 39

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Hello! I'm back, earlier than expected because I was ill - typically me - and had to come home after only a week; still had fun though, which meant I began to think about, and write, this much sooner than I was previously going to so you get this now! Yay for you; semi-yay for me! I should be updating again on the weekend, as well, because I wrote chapter 40 and half of chapter 42 before I left so with any luck I won't take me too long to crack chapter 41 and really get going through this._**

**_So this first part of the Valentine's Day arc; the pre-wedding part, but it actually is mainly set before Valentine's Day because Kurt is inconveniently in another city and needs to get on a plane to get to the wedding, and so the main event has to take place the day before otherwise it wouldn't work...well, technically, he could get on a plane a moment later probably be there fine, but the wedding has to be on the weekend, and it has to happen at NYADA so that needs to be in the week, so, yeah, it really wouldn't work to be on Valentine's Day. Either way, you'll have to wait a little longer to get into the real Kurt-Blaine drama, but there's still plenty going on here._**

**_Also, here's a piece of flagrant self-advertising because I'm very proud of it: I wrote a completely stand-alone, non-angsty Glee one-shot! And if you want to know why I'm so pleased with that, it's because THIS started out as a one-shot! Yes, THIS! Originally, this was just: Wes comes to Kurt, Kurt goes to McKinley, Kurt sees Blaine and Warblers singing, Kurt gets pissed off because Blaine is friends with Warblers, Kurt shouts at Blaine, Kurt learns truth (of unspecified event because I hadn't put that much thought into it yet), The End! And you see where that ended up...Also, it's not angsty which is unusual for me at the moment. So, yes, if you would like to, please check it out; it's called 'Be Prepared' because I'd be interested to hear your thoughts._**

**_Anyway, thank you for all your support, and, as always, enjoy!  
Sopphires. _**

* * *

_"I am the earthquake of love. How you feel is my fault."_ ― Jarod Kintz_, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81_

* * *

Kurt shifted his bag strap on his shoulder and looked back at Adam. The blonde was chatting amicably with Luke, leaning against the body of the piano whilst the dark brown-haired boy gesticulated with the sheet music in his hands. For some reason, Adam had become a lot more distant since Kurt had told him that he was going to be spending Valentine's Day in Lima. Adam wasn't doing anything overtly obvious, but Kurt was sure that he was deliberately trying to avoid spending any unnecessary time with him, like what he was doing right now: Adam and Luke were talking about something completely casual and weren't letting Kurt into the conversation. Normally, at the end of an Adam's Apples session, Kurt would stay and chat with Adam and, more often than not nowadays, Luke. The two tended to have several conversations on the go, and if, for whatever reason, Kurt would be unable to participate sufficiently, they'd always change tack. However, now as it had been for the past week, they weren't doing that. They were talking about a topic that completely shut Kurt out, and Adam had made no attempt to let him in; Luke had paused briefly and looked hesitantly between Adam and Kurt, and Kurt got the impression that he would have moved on had Adam not continued with the previous topic. So, now, Kurt was left standing in the auditorium, completely unsure whether or not he should even bother to attempt to engage one of his closest friends in a conversation.

Shaking his head, Kurt tried to put the matter from his mind because he was leaving to return to Ohio on Friday, and that meant he would have to come face to face with Blaine, and Sebastian, again for the first time since he had walked out of the hospital on the day after Thad's attempted suicide. He had to face Blaine on _Valentine's Day_; an occasion that would be wholly appropriate for Blaine and Sebastian to be couple-y as opposed to the aftermath of Thad's suicide attempt. He knew that he wasn't ready for that sight, and he didn't think anything _could_ make him ready. It almost _physically hurt_ to think about what he was about to see, and how pathetic he had to seem to Blaine and Sebastian coming with Rachel. He could _hear_ their scornful laughter echoing in his ears, and it made him want to cry because he had lost so very much.

Kurt clenched his jaw, scrunching up his face and balling his hands into fists, and tried to suppress his overwhelming emotions. They were so out of control inside of him, and he had no idea how to get a grip of himself. It was frankly alarming how easily disturbed his feelings had been by this all, and he hated himself so much for being weak enough to succumb to all of it, but now that he'd fallen into his feelings of depression, loneliness, despair and self-pity he seemed incapable of getting out of them. He reckoned it would be easier if he had Adam there to provide his usual, wonderful combination of comfort, advice and support, but Adam wasn't there, and so it was awful and horrible and _unbearable_. He supposed that it was his heart punishing his head for being stupid enough to rely on, and trust in, someone else.

"_Kurt_!" Kurt came to a stop, wishing that he could turn off the snide voice in his head that said that he should have seen this coming – nobody ever stuck around for Kurt; why would he think that Adam was any different – and it was all his own fault, and turned around. There was Luke, jogging down the corridor with an arm in the hair, hailing him. Kurt shot him a wan smile.

"Hello, Luke," he said, tiredly. Luke grinned at him, running a hand once through his hair and shifting on the spot, transferring his papers from his right hand to left and sighing.

"Hey, look, I'm sorry about Adam," he began, bluntly, and Kurt arched his eyebrows in surprise. Luke pulled a face that asked how stupid Kurt thought he was. Kurt snorted slightly and rolled his eyes lightly. "I don't think I have to tell you that he's being an absolutely jerk."

"You'd be right about that," he commented, dryly. Luke held up his hands, pulling an apologetic expression.

"So, I totally thought he'd get over it after a couple of days, but instead, he's just gotten more stubborn and apparently oblivious to the fact that he's hurting your feelings because he's quite asinine at times." Kurt snorted at that, quirking his eyebrow and nodding slightly. "Look, basically, I know that he's hurt you, but between you and me-" he leant in towards Kurt, and Kurt copied his action, intrigued. "-he's not really as good with feelings, and understanding them, as he likes it to seem. In fact, right now, he's kind of struggling with them as far as _you_ go…You see, when everything is going to his plan, it's all very easy for him because he's in control…or so he thinks, he's not really at all, but the illusion is good for his mental state so we're going to let that slide for the moment, but now things aren't going according to his plan of the two of you spending a lovely Valentine's Day together and probably having some sort of epiphany, or something-" Kurt tried to control the expression on his face neutral at those words, even though his heart was hammering very fast at that because did that mean Adam had plans on _asking him out_? "-except now you're going to Lima, and his plan has basically gone to pot, and now he has no clue what he's doing because, as previously stated he can be quite asinine for such a charming guy, and so he's avoiding you until he knows what his next move is…" he trailed off, inhaling sharply, and Kurt chuckled despite himself, covering his mouth with his hand.

"I take it you've been taking lessons from Adam in how to talk without breathing?" he asked, charming smile on his face. Luke laughed, nodding his head with a faux-sheepish expression on his face.

"Basically, in short, it's a Michael thing, and as I think you now know more about it than I do, could I possibly ask you to take the moral high ground and go and confront him because I think if you wait for him then the two of you are going to get real hurt pretty quickly." Kurt swallowed, stepping back, and Luke smiled at him once more, checking his watch and rolling his eyes. "Well, it's up to you…I'm going to be late for work. If you want him, he's in practise room 8 repeating the same passage of Bach over and over until he has outfoxed the bowing and destroyed the D and G strings on his cello." Kurt snorted slightly and nodded as Luke walked away.

The moment he was out of earshot, Kurt let out a loud groan and collapsed against the wall, banging his head into the notices that were pinned to the wall. Great, just what he'd needed: more confusions and doubts. It wasn't exactly the fact that Adam _liked_ him that was surprising – he'd always sort of known that, and it was part of what made their relationship so special; they had this open understanding that they liked each other more than friends, but they didn't have to act on that until they were ready – but the fact that he liked Kurt enough to… Kurt didn't quite have the words, but he supposed something about Adam liking Kurt enough to lose his composure and do what he was doing because his actions now; running away and freaking out over his lack of control, was not the Adam that Kurt knew so well…

…or, perhaps, Kurt didn't know Adam as well as he thought he did. In fact, that would make the most sense: Kurt knew that Adam had barriers and walls – Kurt did, and he hadn't been through anything anywhere near as painful as what Adam had – and so it was highly likely that not quite as many of those were down as Kurt might think there were, which was probably why Kurt would never have pegged Adam as someone that needed to feel complete control over a situation given that he was so laid back and easy-going; he had hidden that deep inside his castle walls, probably right next to his bloodied heart. Kurt even got that because life was really, _really_ scary, and when one of the people that you loved the most turned around, stabbed you in the back and left you for dead with the result of their cruelty and pain, one's ability to trust people just vanished so the need for control; to not have to rely on other people because you were in charge of what was happening, was paramount.

Still, that didn't change the fact that Adam had really hurt Kurt, and Kurt was pissed off with him for that, and he didn't want to have to chase _him_ around when it ought to be Adam doggedly pursuing him with a lot of grovelling apologies and explanations. However, Kurt was even sicker of losing his friends because they were stubborn idiots that refused to talk to him about their problems!

With that thought, he pushed himself away from the wall and began to stride back towards the music practise rooms with the intention of forcing Adam to talk to him until they could sort their problems out…well, _Adam's_ problem; Kurt's problems had nothing to do with Adam, or at the very least they hadn't until he'd started being ignored by the older boy.

He quickly made his way through the thinning crowds and into the corridor that was filled with small, supposedly sound-proof, practise rooms, each one equipped with a piano, stool, music stands and chairs. He peered in the glass window of number eight and saw Adam sitting on the piano stool and playing his cello with the most intense glare Kurt had ever seen on his face directed upon the music on the stand. Kurt could hear that he was, indeed, repeating the same passage over and over because he'd never get far before he stopped, rolled his eyes, swore and then started over. Eventually, when Kurt had realised that there was no way Adam was going to stop and look up and thus see him, Adam gave up on what he was doing and slammed his bow onto his lowest string, accompanied by an emphatic nod and first finger, and rolled his left forearm side to side in such a fast vibrato that it almost became a blur before proceeding to perform a very fast, D-major scale up to the instrument into such a high register that his fingers were almost off the end of the fingerboard.

"Anger management?" he asked, opening the door, as Adam finally lowered his arms away from his instrument but did not stop glowering at the music. Adam jolted, clearly being torn away from his thoughts by Kurt's appearance, and then looked at him with wide, startled eyes for a moment or two before he broke out into obliging chuckles, grinning and setting down his bow onto the music stand.

"I wouldn't need it if the bowing made sense," he replied, scowling at the book. Kurt moved in, closing the door, and sat down on the chair next to the piano that faced Adam, leaning on the shut lid and frowning.

"Can't you just change it?" he questioned, and Adam pulled a scandalised expression that made Kurt laugh.

"_No_, not only is that sacrilege, but it would mean that I have spent numerous hours of my life attempting to perfect things that are irrelevant." He leant forward over his cello, narrowing his eyes. "Are excusing me of being an idiot?" Kurt pressed his lips together very hard, trying hard not to laugh, and not just because he was trying to be angry with Adam for his previous behaviour. "I thought not," said Adam, sitting back in his chair with a smug look on his face. There was a moment of silence in which Kurt swallowed and set his bag down on the ground and Adam watched him. "I'm sorry," he sighed, wincing. Kurt arched an eyebrow. "I know, I know, I should have chased you around NYADA shouting that, and I should be on bended knee, but…" he shrugged.

"Just tell me why," said Kurt, shaking his head and sighing. "Honestly, I just want to know _why_. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am _very_ cross with you, but I'd prefer it if I got some answers." Adam nodded and rubbed his right hand over his mouth, and it was at that moment that Kurt noticed Adam's left hand, which was resting on his thigh, was trembling violently. Kurt noticed that, as he watched it, Adam curled it into a fist and clenched it tight enough to turn his knuckles white but not tight enough to suppress the tremor. Kurt looked back at him with the smallest of frowns, seeing that his right, which was also a fist, was also shaking.

"You know, it helps if you don't stare at them," commented Adam as he flexed his hands and spread his fingers as far apart as he could. Kurt shot him an apologetic look and focused back onto his pale face, trying to stop his gaze from wandering back to the hands. Adam smiled gratefully. "Thank you…I, um, I'm sure Luke has told you everything he knows, and so I just wanted you to know that I'm not some sort of control-freak; I don't need to dictate everything other people do…or at least, not _normally_…The problem is though, Kurt, _we're_ not normal, not for me." He broke off, wincing in pain. Kurt watched with a concerned frown as Adam's left hand drifted towards his ribs before it stopped in the air, shaking violently, and was purposefully directed to the body of the cello whilst the right curled back into a fist. "So," continued Adam in a voice that almost broke and wavered. "I- I didn't- there wasn't a _plan_ if that's what you're thinking, not really…I- I- obviously, I sought you out, and I was determined to get you to join the Adam's Apples, but…after that everything between us just- it just…_happened_, and because I liked what was happening, I didn't question it…I just went along with everything because it felt good, and then I came up with this idea for Valentine's Day, and I was going to- I don't even know what I was going to do, but…I just- then you said you weren't going to be here, and that's fine; it's _completely_ _normal_, but…I didn't like it…for some reason that _hurt_, and then I realised that I'd- I'd…" he trailed off, breathing shallow and brow scrunching up into a frown, and Kurt tilted his head to the side, watching him curiously and wondering whether he was in a lot of pain. "I freaked out, Kurt…I've never let anybody this close to me since Michael, and I didn't _think_ about it, I just let you in. Suddenly, I- I don't even know…It was just like my filters didn't work around you – I just stopped _thinking_! And that's great; that's _really good_, because I overthink, a lot, up here-" he tapped his right temple, wry smile on his face that didn't mask his expression of discomfort. "-and I realised I didn't know where this was going, and I had no aims, which is weird 'cause I normally have an aim; direction; purpose, and I didn't seem to care, and I am_ so sorry_, but it was more than that because I also started freaking out about what was going to happen to you at this wedding, when you were back with all your friends and your ex, and _crazy shit_ happens at weddings, believe me I know, and I couldn't get the idea of you hooking up with somebody out of my head, and it's _none of my business_ – or, at least, not right now – but I _hated_ the idea, and that freaked me out some more, so I basically decided that the best thing to do was just avoid you until I worked out what was going on, and I _know_ – _knew_ – that that was a dumb thing to do because I _know_ how much this kind of thing hurts – has hurt – you, and I am _so sorry_, but what I'm _really_ trying to say, and what I care about the most, is _please_ don't hook up with anyone at that wedding!"

"Um…" began Kurt, swallowing and crossing his right leg over left, arching his eyebrow and sitting back in his seat whilst staring at Adam because _what the hell_? Adam had _really_ round eyes, and there was a sheen of sweat glistening across his forehead and, though he was doing his best to hide it, both his hands were trembling and he looked like he was really, _really _in _physical pain_. "Adam," he began, again, scrunching up his face, still not sure what to say in response. "um…" he looked around the room, biting down on his tongue, before Adam's last statement cycled back through his mind, and he snorted derisively, looking back over at Adam with an arched eyebrow and a cynical smile. "I don't think you have _anything_ to worry about at the wedding – there is _no way_ that anybody would ever consider hooking up with _me_." Adam stared at him.

"What?" he exclaimed, finally, in disbelief, looking scandalised. "Why would you say that Kurt you're-"

"_What_?" challenged Kurt, sitting forward in his seat and glaring at Adam, his anger and frustration back because it wasn't fair for Adam to pour all that onto Kurt and make it _his_ move again. "I'm _what_? Such a good friend that you can't talk to me about this? So attractive that you can't ask me out? If I'm so _special_, and so _amazing_, and so great, and all of those things that you keep telling me then why does _nobody_ _trust me_ to help them?" He could feel tears stinging his eyes, but he was too angry to care because Adam didn't seem to give a crap about the fact that he'd built up Kurt's hope only to tear it all down just like Blaine had done.

"Kurt, I-" Kurt leapt to his feet, grabbing his bag and glaring venomously at Adam.

"You know what? Just _save it_!" he spat. "You can save it for the next poor _bastard_ that wanders across your path with a _better_ voice and a broken heart because this is the _last time_ that anyone cons _me_! I bought _every word_ that you have said to me, and I've allowed myself to _rely_ on you even though I _knew_ that it was a bad idea because I _trusted you_, and now I've just discovered that you _don't trust me_, and that you've haven't told me _anything_…or at least not anything that _matters_!" With that, Kurt stormed the short distance to the door and wrenched it open and flounced out into the hallway, trying his best to hold back the tears.

"_Kurt_!" cried Adam, and Kurt took advantage of the couple of seconds it took Adam to put his cello down safely to sprint down the corridor and round the corner, out of sight, and didn't stop running until he'd found a props room filled with miscellaneous objects from numerous past performances and thrown himself down onto one of the sofas, hand over his eyes, and broken down into tears.

* * *

By Friday, Kurt was utterly depressed and miserable once more and had fully considered skipping the wedding altogether on numerous occasions. He had missed the two remaining Adam's Apples sessions, which meant the other members weren't really talking to him because even if you didn't feel like singing everyone still went and sat out and just had fun, but Kurt _hadn't_, and so they were angry with him, so he was down his most upbeat friends. Also, Rachel was trying to maximise her time with Brody because they wouldn't be together on Valentine's Day, which meant that she wasn't really around to cheer him up and so had delegated the task to – and Kurt reckoned that she must have been tipsy-going-on-loud-mouthed-drunk when she decided this – _Santana_.

Oh what fresh hell could possibly be left after that torture? Santana's ideas of cheering him up included trying to get him to sleep with the cashier at Subways – "_come on, Hummel, he's totally hot, and I have it on __**very**__ good information he swings both ways._" "_I'm not hooking up with a random stranger. He's got to be __**twice**__ our age; he could be some form of paedophile._" "_That's completely irrelevant._" "_How could him potentially being a paedophile be '__**irrelevant**__'?_" "_Because you're not a child._" "_I'm not sleeping with him…and I'm not eating here either!_" – and forcing him to watch crap reality TV – "_for those who are weak enough to need their egos' pumping up, the orange imbeciles' stupidity does the trick._".

However, none of her numerous tactics worked; surprise surprise, and Kurt's mind was still wholly occupied, most of the time, with Adam and what he'd said. He wasn't really sure how he felt about the older boy now because, when he turned the speech over in his mind when he was rational, it seemed that, all in all, it had really just been a confession about _how much_ Adam _liked_ Kurt. Adam didn't like the idea of him hooking up with someone, he _clearly_ had had serious plans about Valentine's Day and Kurt seemed to free him from his restraints, but that didn't change the fact that Adam had chosen not to confide in Kurt and had made the decision to avoid him even when he'd _known_ how much it would hurt him, blatantly disregarding Kurt's feelings, and so Kurt was left wondering whether being with Adam was even a good idea at the moment. After all, there was still so much, Kurt had suddenly seen, that Adam wasn't telling him – he'd not offered a single explanation for the tremors, or the genuine _pain_ that he'd been experiencing – and Kurt was just _so fucking __**tired**_ of secrets. Besides, Adam had torn down all of his self-esteem, and even though Adam clearly _did_ want him, he didn't feel wanted at all, just worthless and unlovable. He didn't think the person that made him feel like that was a good person to be with. Adam had suddenly made him feel flawed and like it was all his fault that this was falling apart in a similar style to Blaine because he was the common denominator, and he had to be doing _something wrong again_! But what?

Kurt shook his head, turning away from his classroom, and sniffed as subtly as he can, hoping that he was managing to keep the tears out of his eyes because they were stinging painfully. He just had to find Rachel before he could go home, but unfortunately, there would be no opportunity to bury himself in his blankets for the weekend because, barring him acquiring/faking a serious illness, he had to get on a plane to Lima in under two hours and then go to Mr Schue's wedding and, as he had previously forgotten and stupidly promised Finn when he'd been distracted by thoughts of Adam, the New Directions-Warbler benefit concert. Why had he agreed to that? That, at least, ought to be avoidable, but now he'd promised Finn, he didn't feel like he could back out without really hurting Finn, and Kurt didn't need anymore guilt.

"Kurt," Kurt heaved a huge sigh when he realised that the people blocking his path were not loiterers but the Adam's Apples, and looked up at the leader with a weary expression, demanding to know why Adam was standing right in front of him with his hands on his hips. There was a moment of silence before;

_I think we have an emergency_

_I think we have an emergency_

Kurt's eyes were frozen in the middle of a roll as Adam began to sing with an incredibly serious expression on his face that said he really thought that there was a serious emergency – _Kurt_ – going on that was so serious that he had dragged all the Adam's Apples out to disturb the calm of the hallways, and the enormity of that action; for the Apples to leave the safety of their hall, made his breath hitch.

'_Cause if you thought I'd leave then you were wrong_

_'Cause I won't stop holding on_

Kurt swallowed at those lyrics, mind grinding to a halt under the intensity of Adam's gaze, but not to the extent that the meaning of the lyrics was lost on him: Adam wasn't giving him up like Blaine had; he wasn't going to just let him walk away, and it almost made everything else irrelevant because at – _bloody_ – last someone was _fighting_ for him…and it was _incredible_; his head was spinning; cheeks flushing; grinning.

_Are you listening?_

_Are you watching me?…_

Kurt almost nodded at that, the harmonies of the singers fading away along with the disgruntled and curious mutters of the other people that were filling the hallway, clearly unused to this kind of event and not at all sure what was going and no doubt frustrated they couldn't get through, because it really, even though it was _incredibly_ public, felt like Adam was just talking directly to him: '_are you listening to what I'm saying? Are you watching me closely? Are you ready to see me fight for you and win?_'

'_Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this_

_It's really not your fault_

And how was Adam talking to him so clearly just through the combination of an intense stare and song lyrics because Kurt could just _hear_ the way he was saying: '_I refuse to let you tear yourself to pieces through guilt and wondering what your gigantic flaw is, and what happened between us really wasn't your fault_' and he could feel something unwinding inside of him because he _needed_ to be told that with that much force to believe it.

_No one cares to talk about it_

_So can we talk about it?_

Adam held out his arms, palms facing upwards and eyebrow quirking questioningly, pointed look fixed firmly upon Kurt, who smiled just a little bit because, _yes_, he wanted to talk about this, as long as Adam admitted that he'd royally fucked up in his behaviour, but he reckoned that the older boy already knew that, and that was why he was prepared to do this – because he didn't want Kurt to suffer from his mistakes.

'_Cause I've seen love die way too many times_

_When it deserved to be alive_

Adam raised his voice when he reached the chorus, staring at Kurt with earnest eyes that told Kurt that he knew _exactly_ what he was talking about, and, _of course_, Adam _did_ get that – he understood what it felt like for the love that was meant to last forever to seemingly shrivel up and die; for it to fade into meaningless nothing, because that was what Michael had done to him.

_And I've seen you cry way too many times_

_When you deserve to be alive, alive_

Kurt felt his head tilt to the side, expression softening completely, as Adam continued to sing, taking heart from his words, because it felt so good to have Adam there telling Kurt that it wasn't his fault, and that he didn't deserve to have his heart broken repeatedly, or keep being reduced to tears over what had happened with Blaine and the remnants he'd been left with, but more than that, he seemed to be saying that he was going to change that.

_So you give up every chance you get_

_Just to feel new again…_

And it felt so good to have the old Adam back that was always there to support him and offer him advice and understanding, and who just _got_, instinctively, that Kurt was attempting so very hard to make something new that didn't have the capacity to break apart like what he had had with Blaine had done. That person was _his_ Adam, and it seemed that he just might have to accept that there were lots of different Adams, and they were there to protect the ones like the one he'd met in the practise room. After all, if Adam had let down all of his barriers so soon then Kurt would have deemed that as nothing less than _insane_ so it was highly hypocritical, and unfair, for him to be angry at him for _not_ having done so, or not always being honest and fully truthful.

_And you do your best to show me love_

_But you don't know what love is…_

It was also pretty amazing how Adam could shift perspective, or something of the sort, during the song without any obvious indicators. Kurt didn't know how, but he just knew that Adam was now talking – _singing_, whatever – as Kurt in regards to Blaine, and how Blaine claimed to be doing it all because he loved Kurt even though they all knew that if he _really_ loved Kurt he would tell him the truth and let Kurt help in the ways that he was letting _Sebastian_, an arsehole of unparalleled proportions who didn't know the first thing about love, help. And it _wasn't fair_ because the only way Kurt could _vaguely_ accept what had happened was if he accepted that, in a twisted way, Blaine was right in the belief that keeping the truth from Kurt was the best expression of his love, but how could he do that when Blaine had moved on and was with Sebastian? That was like Blaine saying that their love was over so he'd moved onto the person that had gone out of his way to destroy that!

_These scars, they will not fade away…_

Kurt smiled gently as Adam winced ever so slightly, serious expression returning as his left hand flew to the area around his lower ribs and both trembled, and silently told Adam that it was okay because Kurt knew that; he knew that Blaine had left deep, gaping wounds in him that sealed themselves into livid scars across his heart that served as fault lines; pre-designated markers, as to how to tear him apart, and Kurt knew that they weren't going anywhere because he knew they were normal – love and loss always left their mark; it had been the same with his mum – and by comparison, Kurt's were mere scratches as opposed to the gouges Michael had made.

_'Cause I've seen love die _

Adam shot Kurt a wink and then cupped his ear with his right hand, which had steadied, holding out his left, also still, invitingly. Kurt frowned at him for a second before the crowd he hadn't noticed had gathered, shouted;

_Way too many times_

back in response, causing Kurt to let out a chuckling laugh, shooting Adam a look that questioned whether he was deliberately making this a bit like his audition with the unusual crowd participation.

_When it deserved to be alive_

_And I've seen you cry_

_Way too many times_

They repeated the routine again, and Kurt was actually blushing a little because all eyes were on him because he had an inkling of what they were all wondering whether they were a couple – Adam was famously single, and he also knew that there were bets going on about who Kurt might go out with first – and what they were _really_ singing about.

_When you deserve to be alive, alive_

Still, he didn't really care about that because Adam was smiling his most charming smile at him as he finished the song, and as applause, sort-of-genuine sort-of-will-you-get-out-of-the-way-now?, began to sound through the hallway, Kurt reached up and pulled Adam down into a tight hug, whispering thanks and forgiveness in his ear whilst Adam whispered apologies and I-told-you-you-were-worth-somethings back. Kurt knew, reassuringly, just from that, that they were back to their old, awesome friendship.

However, before they could get into a conversation, Rachel had grabbed him, she'd probably been lurking behind him all along, watching and making sure it happened, and began to march him down the corridor whilst he shouted goodbye to Adam and tried to ignore Rachel's smirk that said she must have had a hand in that somewhere. He knew he should probably thank her, but she was smug enough as it was, not to mention that bickering was more mind-consuming.

It turned out, he had plenty to snipe about given that Rachel had actually _filmed_ the song, and she lost no time in the check-in queue to show it to Santana, and throughout the rest of the queues and waits, they shared it with the rest of the New Directions because it was '_cute_' and '_sweet_' and '_he was too hot to only swing one way_'. Kurt simply scowled at the two snickering girls – _bitches_, he corrected himself – until they had to turn their phones off at which point he plugged his head phones in and tried to pretend that they weren't his friends.

* * *

They got in quite late after a delay had left them circling the airport for a good half an hour, but Finn was there to pick Kurt up with a nervous expression on his face that said he was freaking out about being the best man even though he'd done an awesome job at their parents' wedding. He said a faint hello to Rachel and Santana, but nothing else so Kurt said a quick goodbye to the two girls and then hurried into the car. Thankfully, though, Finn didn't get any more communicative in the car so Kurt got to close his eyes and let the car soothe him to almost sleep that he was quick to resume for real when he got to the house, aided by the fact that his dad was in bed and so not around to engage him in conversation.

The same was true the next morning because Kurt woke up two hours later than intended and found notes on the kitchen table saying that Finn had gone to the church to help set up, and Burt and Carole had also gone out but for lunch, and once he'd realised that the others were fine to put up the decorations and everything without him, he showered and had lunch at a leisurely pace before setting off to the church, completely tense and nervous at the prospect of seeing Blaine. In the end, it was rather an anti-climax because Blaine's car was nowhere to be seen in the car park, but, as he climbed out of his car, he acknowledged that Sebastian's love of his car, which Blaine had mentioned once or twice, was so great that he had probably insisted on driving Blaine in whatever flashy, sports car he owned. So, shaking his head, taking a couple of deep breaths and pushing down the feelings of panic and nausea, Kurt strode over to the door of the church and pushed it open, hoping that he could survive whatever was waiting for him inside.


	40. Chapter 40

**_Dear readers,_**

**_Welcome to Valentine's Day! In the middle of August...Again, no real Kurt/Blaine drama in here, instead more Thad and Sebastian. Also, being in a rather unusual position for me in this story, I haven't even STARTED the next chapter so hopefully I'll be updating soon; midweek, but it might take longer, but hopefully it'll be up by this time week, and thanks for all your continued support - it's so very much appreciated, and I love hearing your thoughts, or just seeing that you've favourite or alerted: it's such a boost!_**

**_To Chrisch: lovely to hear from you again, and I just wanted to say that, yes, when I'm done writing this story you'll get to see Sebastian's point of view on the matter, and that you won't be finding out what the suicide note says for a long time, but I can give you hint (though I don't think it's a good one) if you want, and you'll know what's with Adam's tremors relatively soon. Also, I'm so glad that you like Wes, but I'm afraid you won't be seeing that much of him: he'll pop up occasionally, throughout the mid part of the story (ie what we're in now) but that's when things are bad and they need him so it's not that much of good thing! However, he'll have a bigger role towards the end. Thanks for reviewing, as always!_**

**_Enjoy the chapter!  
Sopphires._**

* * *

_"Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."_ ― Alfred Tennyson, _In Memoriam_

* * *

"Shh!" hissed David, glaring at the Warblers that were hidden behind the almost-shut-but-not-quite doors to Warbler hall. The boys, who had been muttering excitedly between themselves, all snapped their mouths shut and stared with wide eyes at their leader, who looked ready to murder them. Blaine, smirking, turned his gaze back to the open crack in the door and squinted through it, desperate for Thad to arrive so that they could surprise him. Blaine couldn't _wait_ to see the look on his face, especially now that all the Warblers were there.

Originally, their plan to sing to Thad on Valentine's Day had just involved himself, Sebastian, David, Nick and Jeff because – a – it would be much harder to hide it from Thad if all the Warblers were involved and – b – it _was_ Valentine's Day, and so a lot of them had plans. However, when they discovered what was going on, they all insisted on being a part of it, and, well, what would have been the point of saying no?…except, maybe, sparing some of the boys emotional trauma of Sebastian threatening them painful, slow and torturous death if they ruined their plan because it had taken them a little while to work out how to practise all together, though the boys had put in a lot of individual work. Thankfully, no suspicions had been aroused in their friend, or not that they knew of, because Thad was the darling of the English department, and Mrs Henderson had been more than willing to spearhead an elaborate deception that involved numerous Freshmen suddenly beginning to terribly fail English out of the blue, and so his tutor skills were urgently required, and his duty to them outweighed his duty as Warbler councillor, not to mention the constant rescheduling of book club and the like.

All in all, the plan had been an unprecedented success, so far, and coupled with the duty of making sure that Nick and Jeff didn't get expelled for breaking numerous rules about PDA and such – on _what level_ had they thought it was a good idea to try and have _sex_ in a _Maths classroom_ _in the __**day**_?! – and the surprise concert for Mr Schue they were putting on tomorrow as a (late) coming home gift and wedding present, Blaine had found that his mind didn't linger too long on Kurt and his _boyfriend_ and what would happen at the wedding, especially as he was going through with his idiotic, it-could-only-end-badly decision of bringing Sebastian.

"Sebastian…" Blaine started at the sound of Thad's voice and redirected his gaze onto the hallway in time to see Thad come round the corner, frown on his face. "Bastian, where are you? If you've left then I swear to _God_ that I will torch your _Simpsons_ collection." Blaine pressed both hands over his mouth to suppress the snort that wanted to break free and knew the other boys were doing the same. "_Bastian_," said Thad in a voice of final warning that said he was close to losing his temper, and instead of a reply, someone – Sebastian, hidden wherever he was in the hallway – began to beat out a pattern on their thighs and then whistle, cheerfully.

_If you love somebody_

_Better tell them why they're here 'cause_

_They may just run away from you_

Sebastian appeared, seemingly out of nowhere from behind an armchair, hands in pockets, singing at Thad like it was the most normal thing to do in the world, a rather pointed expression on his face that Blaine got the impression meant something, but he couldn't discern what. Looking at Thad, he saw that the other boy didn't seem to know either because, after relaxing and beginning to blush as was customary when Sebastian did something that he liked, he had proceeded to stare at his best friend with a quizzical expression on his face.

_You'll never know quite when, well_

_Then again it just depends on_

_How long of time is left for you_

Sebastian's expression transitioned, at the end of the verse, into the look that Blaine knew as the "I'm-thinking-about-your-attempted-suicide" look that actually made the whole song seem even more endearing and, as always, made Thad look, bashfully, down at the ground.

_I've had the highest mountains_

_I've had the deepest rivers_

_You can have it all but life keeps moving_

Sebastian sauntered towards Thad, hands still in his pockets, a more pleasant smile appearing on his face that said Sebastian had experienced so many things in his life, and the best and the worst of those had come from Thad and, as he circled round behind Thad, who had a confused smile on his face that said he was enjoying the song but didn't get why it was happening, Sebastian seemed to say that he was okay with it.

_Take it in but don't look down_

Blaine grinned, putting one hand on the handle whilst David grabbed the other, as Sebastian walked Thad towards the door, hands over his eyes with a giant smirk on his face.

'_Cause I'm on top of the world, ay_

_I'm on top of the world, ay…_

All the Warblers burst into loud song and energetic dance as David and Blaine threw the doors open and Sebastian removed his hands from Thad's eyes to reveal all the Warblers and the banner that wished him a happy Valentine's Day and all the confetti that a couple of other boys had exploded from canons, and Thad let out an incredulous laugh as he comprehended the sight as Sebastian dashed round him to front the Warblers.

_I've been waiting to smile, ay_

_Been holding it in for a while, ay…_

And Blaine knew that there was nothing else that Thad could do but grin ridiculously because that was what they were all doing. Thad had been moping a little; better since Nick and Jeff's engagement and the fact that he was looking after David's younger siblings, but Blaine knew that they'd just made his day because if Blaine felt so good and buoyed and giddy than how must Thad feel to have that _directed_ on him?

_I'm on top of the world_

_I've tried to cut these corners_

_Try to take the easy way out_

_I kept on falling short of something_

Sebastian stepped forward from the Warblers, who had fallen still, towards Thad, who was still blushing intensely, and Blaine, even though he was looking at Sebastian's back, knew exactly what expression he was pulling because it was this weird blend of the "I'm-thinking-about-your-suicide" look and his fond one.

_I could of gave up then but_

_Then again I couldn't have 'cause_

_I've travelled all this way for something…_

And the expression sort of made sense because the lyrics did really bring that to mind very powerfully, especially when coupled with the conversation he'd had with Sebastian, Thad's suicide and self-esteem issues, but Blaine also knew that Sebastian, as he pulled a rose from nowhere – probably up his sleeve – and handed it to the scarlet Thad, was saying that he had not gone through all of his changes for Thad to give in; Sebastian wasn't going to let him, and Thad could like it or lump it because Sebastian wasn't going to change, but, from his nervous smile, Blaine knew Thad liked it… Gosh, those two were so cute!

However, there wasn't really time for Blaine to be dwelling on how sweet they were because Sebastian had finally dragged Thad into the melee of Warblers, and so their '_assistants_' – the boys who had pretended to flunk English – were distributing roses and flowers between the Warblers and then dashing out before they got trampled on underneath their dancing feet as the Warblers began to slide around Thad in their neat rows, handing him their flowers. Blaine found it hard to keep singing through his wide smile at the way Thad blushed at all their gestures – Blaine had forgotten about how much Thad could blush – and Blaine got a moment to squeeze his hand in reassurance and support; to tell him that he was doing really well; to say again that they were all behind him, before he was swept away. Thad grinned back at him in response, but up close Blaine could see that there were tears shining in his eyes that said he was incredibly touched by their gesture – they'd done a good job.

_And I know it's hard when you're falling down_

_And it's a long way up when you hit the ground_

_But get up now, get up, get up now…_

The Warblers filtered out into circles; Blaine and the other Senior Warblers in the inner one closest to Thad, and they all began to dance around him in a dizzying manner because the alternating rings were going in the same direction, and most of the individuals, like Blaine, were skipping around in circles too. Blaine made eye contact with Thad every so often as he made gestures with his hands to indicate getting up, and they seemed to share a laugh as they did so, even though Thad was just flat out crying now and wiping his eyes in embarrassment.

'_Cause I'm on top of the world, ay - And I know it's hard when you're falling down…_

And it struck Blaine, as he sung the counter-melody against Sebastian, how odd they must look because instead of being dressed in their uniforms like normal they were all – with the exception of Blaine and Sebastian – in their own clothes. The Warblers _never_ performed in anything less than their pristine uniforms, but now they were all in jeans, jerseys, waistcoats, ruffles and flared trousers…He was _really_ glad that this was being filmed.

_I'm on top of the world_

They came to a stop before Thad, hands behind their backs as the confetti canons went off again, showering them in pink and red paper, and took deep breaths, grinning widely. Thad let out an incredulous laugh, running a hand over his face and shaking his head before throwing himself onto Sebastian, arms around his neck, and burying his face into Sebastian's shoulder. Sebastian wrapped his arms around his waist, lifting him up from the ground, closing his eyes and holding him tightly. A couple of the boys wolf-whistled and whooped at them, and Blaine grinned at the pair. Thad retracted a moment later, and Blaine and David bounded forward at the same time and got tangled in some form of three-way hug in which Thad whispered thank you over and over again.

"It's fine!" they both exclaimed, shooting him looks that said he didn't need to thank him for making him feel better. Thad grinned at them both, tucking a rose into Blaine's button hole, winking, and then went around and hugged all the Warblers, who hastily began to disperse after they'd wished him a good day. Blaine wandered over to Thad's side again and saw that he had tucked a rose into Sebastian's button hole too. Nick and Jeff were wearing them in their hair, and Trent and David had one each for their dates.

"Thank you so much," he said, looking around at them with a grin. "I appreciate it so much, but we _really_ need to go! I told your parents, David, that I'd be at your house in _fifteen minutes_!" Blaine checked the time and was relieved to see that there was plenty of time before the wedding started.

"Come on then," said Sebastian, wrapping an arm around Thad's shoulders and beginning to lead him down the hallway. Nick and Jeff went dashing ahead in high spirits, shouting goodbye as they galloped ahead, overexcited about their first date together engaged. Trent was nervously rubbing his hands together in anticipation, and David had clasped his shoulder with one hand and was, to Blaine's great amusement, attempting to spook him on the prospect of his first date. However, Trent had come a long way from the insecure, bullied boy that had arrived at Dalton and had quickly fitted himself into the Warblers and their lives but had taken much longer to even consider entertaining ideas about anything romantic; so low was his self-esteem on those matters, and so he blew David off, teasing him back about Evie and his prospects after her.

Blaine was laughing his head off as a result of that as he climbed into the backseat of Sebastian's car, the two boys in the front bickering about Thad's health and how bad it was for him to believe that so many boys were going to fail English. Blaine settled in his seat, grinning at the way this devolved into a little spat about something else. However, it did cause Blaine's mind to wander towards Kurt. Blaine had to admit that he was anxious to see who Kurt was bringing; who this new boyfriend was, but he was more scared. He was so scared to see how much better this new guy was, and how much happier Kurt was. He didn't need to see how worthless he had been to Kurt even though he needed to see it because that would make his decision justified. He wanted to see Kurt happy, but he really didn't want to see it with someone else, except he did because that was the whole point of breaking up with him in the first place…oh, it was giving him a headache thinking about it all!

* * *

"_Sebazzian_!" screamed Johnny, flying down the front drive and throwing his arms around the boy that had just clambered out of his car. Blaine climbed out of the back, doubled over in hysterics at the confused look on Sebastian's face as he looked down at the little boy that was clinging onto his leg and grinning up at him.

"_Thad_!" Thad ran over and scooped up at Katy and Richie into his arms, hugging them tightly. Blaine hurried over to David's parents, saying hello and accepting a hug from David's mum before kissing Cassie on the head. She giggled in delight and extended out her arms, demanding Blaine to hold her. Blaine gently took her into his arms and looked back over at Sebastian, who was arguing with Johnny about the pronunciation of his name. Instead of getting upset, though, Johnny kept giggling and repeating "_Sebazzian_" over and over, to Sebastian's increasing annoyance. Blaine snorted, allowing Thad to take Cassie so Blaine could go and greet the other two Thompson children, and he could see that David's parents were watching the exchange with varying degrees of bafflement and curiosity whilst Richie and Katy hid their laughter behind their hands.

"Look," said Thad, eventually. "why don't you just call him '_Seb_' and have done with it?" Johnny squinted at Thad, looking between the two older boys in consideration before nodding.

"Okay," he agreed, nodding before turning back to Sebastian and sticking out his arms. "_hug_!" he demanded. Sebastian stared down at Johnny for a moment, clearly weighing up all of his options, before he rolled his eyes, crouched down and obligingly hugged the little boy. Blaine smiled a little, looking over at Thad and seeing that he was watching Sebastian with a fond expression on his face.

"This hug is getting obscenely long," commented Sebastian, eventually, drawing back and then whipping a coin out from behind Johnny's ear. Johnny took the coin and turned to his mum and dad with triumphant eyes.

"See!" he cried. "I _told you_ he's magical!" Blaine saw David's dad roll his eyes whilst Thad began to laugh, Richie shook his head and David's mum nodded in a manner that said she had absolutely nothing to say to that.

"Hey!" exclaimed Katy. "It's not fair that Johnny gets money! I want some too!" she stamped her foot, pouting.

"Woah!" said Sebastian, looking alarmed and clearly sensing a temper tantrum coming on. "Easy girl!" Blaine snorted, pinching the bridge of his nose and wondering why Sebastian thought talking to her like she was a _horse_ was a good idea, and watched as Sebastian pulled out another coin, tossed it into the air, caught it, opened his hand to an empty palm and then pulled it out from behind Katy's ear with a wink.

"Mummy, can they sing?" demanded Johnny as everyone applauded Sebastian's skill, and Thad rolled his eyes a little and conceded whatever point was between the two of them. Emilia shook her head, shooting him a smile.

"No, sweetheart, Blaine and Sebastian have to go now." Johnny pulled a pleading expression, and Richie and Katy also turned wide, begging eyes to their parents whilst Cassie pointed to the flowers poking out of Thad's pocket and began to grab at them, talking and giggling as Thad handed one of them to her.

"_Please_," begged Katy. "_pretty please_, mummy, just one song!" Blaine looked at the time and grinned.

"We do have time for one song," he said, and three of the children jumped and let out exclamations of joy whilst Cassie waved the rose around in the air violently, delighting in being able to dislodge the petals and watch them fall.

"Okay then; Katy and Johnny, you can pick one person in the duet, and Richie, you can pick the song." At the same moment after that, Johnny and Katy shouted Sebastian and Thad respectively. Sebastian smirked, and Thad smiled a little, rubbing Cassie's back as she stared at the last petal on the rose. Richie pulled a face.

"Sing a Colbie Callait song," he said, eventually. "but not a sad one." Sebastian frowned.

"She writes sad songs?" he asked, tilting his head. There was a moment of silence before Thad rolled his eyes.

_I'm stuck on you and your laughing eyes_

_I can't pretend though I try to hide_

_I like you, I like you…_

Thad began to sing softly, stopping any further conversation as all eyes were diverted to the teenager who stood, wearing faded light blue jeans and a navy, Dalton hoodie with the red, fancy '_D_' over his breast and his name on the back in white letters, holding an almost-one-year-old baby in his arms, swaying side to side and looking rather bashful and nervous, peering over at Sebastian who was walking towards Thad.

_The way you take my hand is just so sweet_

_And that crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet_

Blaine looked between Thad and Sebastian and examined the way Thad smiled shyly at Sebastian and Sebastian faint smirked faintly, hands in pockets, back. He wished he knew what was passing between them as Sebastian took Thad's free hand but guessed it probably had something to do with the hand holding and '_Smile_' book.

_Oh, I just can't get enough_

_How much do I need to fill me up?_

_It feels so good it must be love_

_It's everything that I've been dreaming of_

Apparently, it was entirely possible for two guys to slow dance whilst one of them was holding a baby as that's what Thad and Sebastian proceeded to do, and Blaine watched them with a smile, half tempted to just tell Sebastian to stay with Thad for the day because – _God_ – they were so cute, and it would be a good idea in case Thad's mood slipped, but he was with _four children_, and the idea of being alone made Blaine want to be sick.

_I give up, I give in, I let go, let's begin_

_'Cause no matter what I do_

_My heart is filled with you_

Blaine was distracted from the sensation of nausea crawling up his windpipe by Johnny grabbing his hand, and Blaine noticed that Sebastian was spinning Thad, and so Cassie, and Richie had grabbed his little sister and was dancing her around. Blaine grinned at Johnny and lifted him up, setting Johnny's feet on his shoes and began to dance him around slowly whilst David's parents began to film the scene.

_I can't imagine what it'd be like_

_Living each day in this life_

_Without you, without you_

Blaine smiled slightly as he caught Sebastian throwing Thad his typical look of "I'm-thinking-about-your-suicide" because, even though it was a sore topic, the way he sang to Thad about it was just so full of honesty that it could only be endearing: Sebastian couldn't imagine his life without Thad.

_One look with you I know you understand_

_This mess we're in you know is just so out of hand_

Sebastian looked around, suddenly, and locked his gaze with Blaine. Blaine blinked once, but as he continued to sing, Blaine rolled his eyes: but _of course_, Sebastian thought that it was a good idea, and appropriate, to bring up him and Kurt, and how he thought they were being stupid, and that it was out of hand, and he should just tell.

_Oh, I just can't get enough…_

And as Blaine danced Johnny around again, he considered the idea very briefly. He could understand where Sebastian was coming from; Blaine was unhappy, and he was so torn and conflicted about meeting this boyfriend, and so telling Kurt would likely seem like the _logical_ thing to do, but Blaine just _couldn't_ do it. He just _couldn't_ tell Kurt now because it would probably ruin the wedding, and everyone would hate him, and he'd lose all the New Directions, which would make Kurt's wrath for screwing up his first Valentine's Day with his boyfriend and being selfish _worse_, and Blaine _couldn't handle_ the ideas because they made him feel sick and want to cry so it was all he could to just keep dancing with Johnny and smiling and keeping back the tears. However, the sight of the dancing family – David's dad was dancing his mum around, filming forgotten – just made him want to cry some more because this was the kind of thing that he felt so unworthy of being a part of even though Thad had been through the same thing and _he_ fitted, but Thad had only done _good _and tried his best and come to pieces whereas Blaine had _utterly hurt and tortured the person he loved __**most **__**in the world**_!

_I hope we always feel this way_

_I know we will…_

Blaine's mood was torn down further by the sound of Thad singing a line and Sebastian echoing it, and it just made him think of duets and Kurt and everything that he couldn't have anymore because of himself and his selfishness, and he couldn't believe that he was allowing himself to be so selfish and wallow in his despairs on such a _happy day_ for Mr Schue – he needed to get a grip.

_Oh, you got me…_

The lyrics of the song were still ringing in Blaine's head after it ended, and they all broke apart, and the Thompson children mobbed Sebastian and Thad, and Sebastian procured an escape route back to the car through several magic tricks, and David's parents hurried away when they realised they were running late, and it was as Blaine got in the car and watched the image of Thad holding one child and being surrounded by three others, that they really struck him – he had _Sebastian_; unquestionably and unequivocally, regardless, and that felt good. More than that, he was struck by the things that Sebastian had done, and he grinned at him.

"You're not magic," he commented, staring at him with a smile. Sebastian turned to him, arching an eyebrow.

"Really? Wow, that's some shocking news, Blaine!" Blaine glared at him, rolling his eyes.

"That's not what I meant." Sebastian arched his eyebrow further, and Blaine rolled his eyes. "I _meant_ that you had to prepare all that…so you prepared in advance to please three children…" he left the sentence hanging, look at Sebastian pointedly, waiting for him to speak. Sebastian sighed, shrugging.

"Yes, fine, I prepared it in advance…What can I say? Thad's having an effect on me." There was silence in which Blaine continued to stare at him, wondering if Sebastian could _hear_ the question running around inside his head. Sebastian sighed once more. "_Fine_," he said in a grumbly tone of voice. "my grandfather on my father's side taught me the tricks." Blaine sat up straighter, mildly surprised that Sebastian was partial to telling him the story, and listened intently. Sebastian shifted his grip on the wheel. "You know my parents' relationship was – _is_ – totally screwed up, and they'd already broken up numerous times before I was born, but after that happened, I believe they tried to keep it together for my sake." Sebastian snorted. "Needless to say, they completely failed in that, and it was an utter waste of time, but anyway…when I was about six they decided to '_break up_' for real after several years of just sleeping with other people and then with each other and whatever the fuck else and get divorced. Naturally, that didn't work out at all, and two months into the process they decided they couldn't live without each other." Sebastian rolled his eyes witheringly, and Blaine sat there patiently, having heard Sebastian's cynical talk of his parents before, waiting for the part to do with his grandfather. "Anyways, whilst all that shit was going down, my grandfather was my guardian, and he was a _shit_ one."

"_What_?" exclaimed Blaine, unable to help himself. Given Sebastian's memory of the tricks and the fact he had _learnt_ them, Blaine had been expecting for him to cherish his grandfather…then again, this _was_ Sebastian, and sentimentality, especially towards family, wasn't something he did. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"I didn't love my grandfather if that's what you were thinking. I mean, I did when I was six years old, and he was the only constant thing in my _life_; only person there in the morning when I woke up, was there when I got off the school bus and was there when I fell asleep, so it took me a little longer to work out he was just as shit as the rest of them. No, my grandfather was a chronic alcoholic; he had _ at least __three_ glasses of _scotch_ with his _breakfast_, and it took me a while to work out that he only stayed with us and looked after me was because it meant he got to live with my dad and drink to his heart's content." Sebastian shook his head, and Blaine nodded a little, agreeing that that fitted the parameters of a shit guardian perfectly. "Either way, he taught me the magic tricks that he remembered, and I practised them around him, especially as music disturbed his hangover. He liked it when I did magic tricks, when he was sober enough to comprehend what I was doing that is, and it was…" he trailed off, shrugging, seemingly unable to find words. Blaine examined his taut posture and wondered whether it would be a good idea to say that it was okay for him to stop talking; that Blaine didn't need anything more from him when it clearly made him so uncomfortable, but another part of him didn't want to ask him to because it was nice to have Sebastian trust him in return; to treat him like an equal instead of someone to be protected. "Either way," continued Sebastian after the pause had gone on for a long time. "he died when I was eleven."

"I'm sorry," muttered Blaine, immediately, in consolation. Sebastian snorted and shook his head.

"Don't be it was entirely his own fault." Blaine arched an eyebrow, silently saying that that was a rather harsh judgement and questioning why he wasn't even a little upset. Sebastian gave him a condescending look. "If he'd just stopped drinking then he would have been fine so there's absolutely no reason to be upset; no I didn't cry because, for one, crying is pointless-" Blaine arched an eyebrow, having thought that Sebastian might have changed his opinion on that given he'd cried, but he supposed Thad was the exception. "-and, secondly, I knew that he was going to die; we all die. His doctor told him on numerous occasions that he could save his liver and the rest of his internal organs, but he couldn't stop himself…" and Blaine could hear the unspoken part of the sentence: his grandfather was weak; a slave to his own desire; trapped in his addictions… Blaine knew that he could probably construe something of great psychological meaning towards Sebastian's nature as to how Sebastian had transcended that by being completely and utterly in control of his desires and pleasures. However, he was wise enough not to say anything of the sort to him; he'd only reject it, scorn him and blow Blaine off.

"So," he said, eventually. "did you just keep practising the tricks?" Sebastian looked at him, seemingly breaking from his reverie, and stared at him blankly once before shaking his head as he looked back at the road.

"No, don't be ridiculous; I went to Paris after his funeral." Blaine blinked once, waiting for him to say more, but there was nothing. Blaine stared at him for a second longer until he realised that that was that – Sebastian had gone to Paris and shut the books on his grandfather forever. Blaine knew that Sebastian had stayed in Paris for a year before hopping back and forth between America and there whilst his parents fought and broke up and divorced and remarried for three years until settling down in Paris for two years before coming to Dalton. Sebastian never looked back – it wasn't his style…well, not until recently.

"So, you first did the tricks again at David's?" he asked, eventually. "I thought you didn't listen to anything that Thad had said." Sebastian shot him a mildly quizzical look before he shrugged.

"I didn't listen to him, but I knew there would be small children – it seemed like a good idea to have some tricks up my sleeve, pun intended." Blaine snorted, grinning and nodding, not that surprised by Sebastian had decided to do something very un-him by using his very him logic.

"And Thad knows this all, right?" he asked, pretty sure that Sebastian would not be telling him something about himself that he hadn't told Thad first, but he still wanted clarification: Sebastian was unpredictable.

"Yes, of course, I told him on the way back from David's," he sighed a little, and Blaine shot him a smile.

"Thanks for telling me," he said, and Sebastian shot him a confused look that asked why Blaine was thanking him for telling him a very blunt story about his childhood, and Blaine simply rolled his eyes in exasperation and turned on the radio. Sebastian glared at him for touching his beloved car's appliances, but a Wanted song was playing so Sebastian turned the sound up until it was almost unbearably loud. Blaine found, though, that it didn't take long for him to start banging his head along to the beat and singing, Sebastian eventually joining in.

The journey that passed in song and bickering; Sebastian's objections to drive-through food made him sound like he was Blaine's mother, left Blaine feeling stronger and happy, and he remembered why he had thought that it was a good idea to bring Sebastian with him to start with, but all of that seemed to drain from him at the sight of Kurt's car in the car park and what had to be waiting for him inside. Sebastian put a hand on his shoulder in reassurance as he turned off the radio, and Blaine closed his eyes, steeling himself.


End file.
